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Read More March 2, 2002 Part 3
By Bandit |
Continued From Page 2
What Was I Suppose To Do?—In 2001, five times more money was spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s research. That means that in 30 years there will be people walking around with huge breasts and erections–but they won’t remember what to do with them.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From an Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who had moved to Texas from the East Coast: recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1 MIKE’S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy. __________________________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be take seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LINDA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
CHILI # 6 VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: the best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
CHILI # 7 SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 TOM’S HOTTER THAN A TEXAS SUMMER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare it’s existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chili?
Cyril HuzeVee Switch Housing
New from Cyril Huze is this very simple & clean looking part to install an ignition switch between the cylinders. Can be bolted on Huze Dreamliner motor mount or on most after-market motor mounts. If you keep your original equipment 2-piece Evo motor mount, you must use a top motor mount adaptor also available from the company. Ignition round key switch in 2 or 3 positions must be ordered separately. Chrome.
Cyril Huze
Tel: 561-392-5557
Fax: 561-392-9923
Website: http://www.cyrilhuze.com
Hey Digital!
Well it’s 39 outside,but clear and sunny. So i got out the shit and took pic’s
I left gaps in the G pad for ventilation purposes. The helmet still sits a little high so the trimming will lower the helmet and also clean up the rough surfaces of the G pad. Well there it is,,,I will let you word it however you choose to do so. Sorry it took so long,,,My ol’lady is handicapped and has more illnesses than Bandit has pieces of junk in the storage container out back of the hideout.So thats why I am so busy around here.You and the crew are doing a great job on the site and i think Keith does some work on the site,but spends more time out in the field (playing)abroad or back home.I think he relies alot on you guys to keepthe site going.I cant wait to hear how that new scoot of yours rides ,,
See Ya,
SCOOT
Mensa test—
Here’s a riddle for theintellectually minded. The answer is at the bottomfor those who can’t think thisone through.
At the exact same time, there aretwo young men on opposite sides of theearth: One is walking a tightrope between two skyscrapers, the other isgetting a blow job from a 75 yearold woman and they’re each thinking theexact same thing.
What are they both thinking?
.
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.
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.
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Don’t look down.
Another Don?t Try This At Home
G.C.E.’S
The following questions and answers were collated from British GCSE papers (16 yr olds)
Name the four seasons?
Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
How is dew formed?
The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
In a democratic society, how important are elections ?
Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
What are steroids?
Things for keeping carpets on the stairs.
What happens to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
Premature Death.
What is artificial insemination ?
When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
How can you delay milk turning sour?
Keep it in the cow.
What is a fibula?
A small lie
What does varicose mean?
Nearby
What is the most common form of contraception?
Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”?
The caesarean section is a district of Rome.
What is a terminal illness?
When you are sick at the airport
Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning ?
Hands that judicious can be as soft as your face.
What is a turbine ?
Something an arab wears on his head.
Continued On Page 4
March 2, 2002 Part 2
By Bandit |
Continued From Page 1
BUELL PRO RACING SUPPORT PROGRAMS REVEALED
AMA Buell Pro Thunder and Formula USA Buell Lightning Series to Return in 2002
MILWAUKEE, Wis. (March 1, 2002) – Buell Motorcycle Company recently revealed its professional racing programs for the 2002 season, announcing support for the five-round national AMA Buell Pro Thunder series and the eight-round national Formula USA Buell Lightning Series, presented by Buell Pro Series Accessories.
?Both Buell customers and dealers are actively involved in amateur level racing around the world. And we?re excited to add to that involvement by once again sponsoring programs that give our customers and our dealers an opportunity to compete at the national level in professional roadracing,? said Erik Buell, chairman and chief technical officer of Buell Motorcycle Company.
The AMA Buell Pro Thunder series, which pits Buell racers against twin-cylinder, triple- cylinder and single-cylinder motorcycles from many other manufacturers, will be a featured event at select AMA Superbike rounds. The events will be held in Daytona, Fla. on March 10; Fountain, Colo. on June 2; Elkhart Lake, Wis. on June 9; Brainerd, Minn. on June 30 and Monterey, Calif. on July 14. The championship runner-up Hal?s Buell team and the Tilley?s Buell and Kosco?s Buell team will be among the top dealer-sponsored teams competing in the Buell Pro Thunder class.
The Formula USA Buell Lightning Series, presented by Buell Pro Series Accessories, is a horsepower and weight restricted Buell-only spec-class. The F-USA events will be held in Daytona, Fla. on March 3; Summit Point, W.Va. on May 26; Loudon, N.H. on June 16; Toronto, Ontario on July 21; Elkhart Lake, Wis. on August 4; Long Pond, Pa. on August 25; Portland, Ore. on September 8; and Daytona again on October 20. Defending class champion Kosco?s Buell will return along with many other Buell dealer teams to compete in the series.
To learn more about Buell motorcycles, visit your local Buell dealer today and experience the pure streetfighter attitude, style and performance only found onboard a Buell. Call 1-800-490-9635 for the Buell dealer nearest you. Or pull into www.buell.com.
Bikernet Readers Can Help—
Dear kindhearted friends
Now that the holiday season has passed, please look into your heart to help those in need. Enron executives in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level.
And, as if that weren’t bad enough, they will be deprived of it as a result of the bankruptcy and current SEC investigation.
Now, you can help! For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that’s less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an Enron executive remain economically viable during his or her time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, but it’s a start!
Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to an Enron exec it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than rent, a car note or mortgage payments. But to an Enron exec $700 will almost replace his per diem.
Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable an Enron exec to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
HOW WILL I KNOW I’M HELPING?
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the exec you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, off-shore accounts, pyramid schemes, dummy accounts, tax shelters, and other investment holdingswill be mailed to your home. You’ll also get information on how he plans to invest his golden parachute. Imagine the joy as you watch your executive’s portfolio double or triple!
Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the exec (unsigned fora signed photo, please include an additional $50.00). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples’ suffering.
HOW WILL HE KNOW I’M HELPING?
Your Enron exec will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the exec won’t know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.
YES, I WANT TO HELP!
I would like to sponsor an Enron executive. My preference is checked below:
[ ] Midlevel Manager
[ ] Director
[ ] Vice President (Higher cost; please specify which department)
[ ] President (Even higher cost; please specify which department)
[ ] CEO (Contribution: Average Enron janitor monthly salary x 700)
[ ] Entire Company
[ ] I’ll sponsor an Exec most in need. Please select one for me.
It’s just that easy so do it now!
* Please charge the account listed below ___________ per day and send me a picture of the Enron executive I have sponsored, along with my very own Enron “Keep America Strong; Sponsor an Enron Exec: Ask Me How!” T-shirt to wear proudly.
Your Name: _______________________
Telephone Number: _______________________
Account Number: _______________________
Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] Cayman Island Express [ ] Discover
Signature: _______________________
Mail completed form to “The Invisible Hand” or call 1-900-2MUCH now to enroll by phone.
Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the executive they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, Congressional subpoenas, grand jury summons, or third parties.Keep in mind that the executive you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations
Contributions are NOT tax-deductible
Introducing…
The 2002 FastDates.com Corona Extra Suzuki team
February 29th? That’s us on the cover of the new 2002 Suzuki Genuine Accessories catalog featuring AMA 750cc National SuperSport Champion Jimmy Moore and the USA themed FastDates.com sponsored Corona Extra Suzuki racebike!
And this is the first formal announcement that the SBK World Superbike sponsored 2003 Fast Dates calendar and FastDates.com website is again a reciprocal sponsor of 750cc National SuperSport Champions Team EBSCO Corona Extra Suzuki for the 2002 AMA National Roadracing Championship
As we prepare for the opening AMA round at Daytona this week our 3 rider team is finalized with our returning National Champion Jimmy Moore and crew chief Michael Tjon in 600cc and 750cc SuperSport, together with new teammates Steve Rapp with crew chief Jeremy Daniel in 600cc SuperSport and Extreme, and Jordan Szoke with crew chief Lance Bale in 750cc SuperSport and Extreme. Team co-ordinator is again Kerry Andrews with the team’s Suzuki GSXR bikes being prepared at his shop HyperCycle in Van Nuys, CA. Team principals are Landers Sevier and Tim Saunders.
FastDates.com is the world’s leading publisher of motorcycle racing and pinup calendars, and produces the popular FastDates.com motorcycle website. The 2003 SBK World Superbike Championship endorsed Fast Dates racebike pinup calendar is sponsored by Team EBSCO Corona Extra Suzuki and Performance Machine. FastDates.com’s director is Jim Gianatsis, former Cycle News editor, now director of Gianatsis Design Associates a Los Angeles based motorsport ad agency, and producer of the Los Angles Calendar Motorcycle Show, the biggest custom and high performance streetbike show in America.
Details at http://www.FastDates.com
and http://www.corona-suzuki.com
Katja Poensgen to join us?
Other news sources are recklessly stating that European roadracing beauty Katja Poensgen will be joining our team at Daytona. Which is not correct. What is correct is that FastDates.com director Jim Gianatsis, together with Landers Sevier, have been in contact with Katja to join our team since her departure from the Alstare Corona Suzuki as the star of the European 750cc SuperStock Championship back in 2000. At that time Katja decided to stay based in Europe and accepted a 250cc Grand Prix ride on a factory supported Aprilia, which unfortunately fell through for lack of sponsorship just as the 2001 season started, leaving Katja to contest just some of the GP races on another team’s less than competitive spare bike.
Coming into the 2002 season Katja was again hoping to put together a European based Grand Prix ride but couldn’t. Meanwhile at EBSCO Corona Suzuki we had to go ahead and finalize our 2002 race program which was for three riders which have been signed. We are now in discussions with Katja to join the team as our 4th rider, but nothing can happen in time for Daytona. If Katja does join the team, as we hop, her first race could be round 2 at California Speedway, Fontana, April 6-7th.
For additional information contact
Jim Gianatsis, FastDates.com
PH: 818.223.8550
Continued On Page 3
March 2, 2002 Part 1
By Bandit |
Take for example the women who are bouncing around the Bikernet headquarters. They’re a bunch of tight-assed bitches. It’s that Dragon Lady, Sin Wu and her gang of lesbo-lust nymphet?s. They wouldn’t recognize prime stud talent if it bit ’em on the ass. Just yesterday, I get wind of something new happening at Bikernet. I hear that the site is going naked. So I figure to get in on some of the action. I mean what horny harlot could pass up a chance to do the ‘slow dance’ with the Snake? Maybe it’ll be a steaming hot tub with a bevy of beauties all hot to have me join ’em.
So, I pop for a six-pack of high-powered “Still Reserve” and one of them glow-in-the-dark condoms. I figure to state my case loud and clear, so I drop trousers just before I knock on the door. It was a cold night and they took their time getting to the door. By the time they opened it, the cold had given me a case of “shrinkage”, if you know what I mean. Anyway, when they opened the door, there I stood, proud as can be?a six pack of beer in one hand, a condom in the other, and a less than rigid salute.
Did ya’ ever have a day where no matter what you did, it always turned out to be the crappy end of the stick. Some days are like thin Kleenex, ya’ blow yer nose too hard and end up with a handful of snot.
Bikernet Caribbean Report—Just got in from the shop, trying to finish the Sportster chopper beforeleaving for Daytona, so this photo of the “Let’s save the underratedSporty” is not even an hour old. We still need to finish some details but ,don’t we always?
The winner of the Trivia is Aaron Pritchard from House of Thunder in GuymanOklahoma, as soon as we know the size and address the shirt will be on theway.
Work is getting kind of brutal, sort of looking forward to our Daytona”vacation” and getting to see all those new bikes and ideas, seems like isnot gonna be too (too,too) crowded, like always we waited until the lastminute to reserve hotel rooms and this year we found with no problem, wedid not even had to bribe the reservations agent this time, cool ! If anyof our readers see us around come say hi and shoot the shit for awhile, oneof the coolest things about this events is meeting people face to face.Just in case here’s a shot of what I look like, you might know already Yolyfrom the mag article.
Another thing, the orange West Coast Chopper will be in Daytona and it’sfor sale if interested shoot an e-mail and let us knowJose@ ChopperFreak.com
Next week we will not report since we will be in Florida, but we promise alot of stuff by the time we come back……..See ya soon !
Jose…….Bikernet Caribbean
We?ve Always Done It That Way—Does the statement, “We’ve always done it that way” ring any bells… ? The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8. 5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.
Why did “they” use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse’s ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.
Now the twist to the story…
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass.
… and you thought being a HORSE’S ASS wasn’t important!
Continued On Page 2
February 21, 2002 Part 3
By Bandit |
ByLayla
Continued From Page 2
Ready Camps
We are a new companyhere in Grand Junction, Colo., and I’m sure your readers would enjoy hearingabout us. We are trying to be at the popular scooter events across thecountry and can have a campsite ready and waiting when your subscribersshow up. We’ll also take it back down and clean the site afterwards. Takesall of the work out of camping out and leaves more time to do what bikersare known for, party!
If you are looking for a great outdoor vacation but don’t want to haul allof your gear with you, the folks at ReadyCamps might be able to help youout. They rent affordable luxury camps in the western United States. Youcan pick your own spot or they can recommend a scenic spot. For bikers,hunters, fishermen, boaters, mountain bikers, four wheelers andoutdoorsmen alike. If they can get a four-wheel drive vehicle there, theywill get a camp there for you. Imagine driving into your favorite spot andhaving a camp there waiting for you, including a 16-by-32 foot tent,generator, microwave, coffee maker, TV/VCR, fluorescent interior lighting,quartz exterior lighting, wood stove, cook stove, eating and cookingutensils, ice chests, beds, table, chairs, water, firewood, and fuel.Virtually a 500 square foot cabin in your favorite motorcycle eventlocation. You can reach us at (970) 257-0800; or visit us on the Web atwww.readycamps.com.
Thank you,
Dennis Thomas
Owner
ReadyCamps
P.O. Box 3172
Grand Junction, Colo. 81503
Dear Liberal:
Thank you for your recent whiney-assed letter criticizing the treatment ofthe Taliban and Al Queda detainees being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
As part of the Administration’s Liberal Re-training Program, you’ll bepleased to learn that the Administration has decided to place one detaineeunder your exclusive care. Your detainee is scheduled to be delivered toyour personal residence on Monday. The detainee is to be cared for pursuantto the standards you strongly recommended in your letter of admonishment. Itwill be necessary that you hire your own caretakers. We will also conductweekly inspections, of course, to assure that your detainee is actuallybeing cared for in the manner you personally prescribed.
His meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest using menus thatdo not require utensils. While he does bite, the rabies test was negative,although he does have a bad case of body lice that we haven’t completelyremedied.
Although he is sociopathic and very psychotic, we do welcome your promisedefforts to overcome that “attitudinal problem” with your promised counselingand home schooling. He’s extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and canextinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or light bulb. We donot suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these proficiencies at your nextbridge party.
He also has the ability to make a variety of lethal bombs from commonhousehold products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up,notwithstanding that it may conflict with your moral values or disrupt yourmaid’s daily routine.Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee’s cage. “Doesnot play well with others.”
Your detainee generally bathes quarterly, with the change of seasons,assuming that it rains, and washes his clothes simultaneously. That shouldhelp with your water bill.
Be assured, your detainee absolutely loves pets of all kinds, but isespecially fond of cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted. You take goodcare of our detainee now.
BUSINESS-101 Marketing Concepts:
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say,
“I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Direct Marketing.
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says,
“He’s fantastic in bed.”
That’s Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say,
“Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Telemarketing.
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say,
“By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Public Relations.
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says,
“I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”
That’s Brand Recognition.
The City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam
NAME: ____________________________
GANG NAME: ______________________
1. Little Johnny has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has toreload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value ofthe restof his hold?
3. Rufus pimps 3 hoes. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricksperday must each ho turn to support Rufus’s $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 tomake20% profit. How many ounces will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and$100 for a 4×4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4×4’s, how manymore corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?
6. Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If hiscommon-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left whenhe gets out?Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for killing the hoethat spent his money?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and theaverageletter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eightounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?
8. Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in hisgang.What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?
9. Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa Constrictor thateats 3small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a weekas a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on one week’s income?
10. Billy steals Joe’s skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joeloads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his Magnum,howfar away will Billy be when he gets whacked?
Continued On Page 4
February 21, 2002 Part 2
By Bandit |
ByLayla
Continued From Page 1
THIS SEPARATES THE MEN FROM THE WOMEN
A little test to sort the men from the women.
Every day, millions of images go to your brain, but you know, only some of these are focused. To prove it, take this test: Stare at the picture and see how fast you can find the car.
time for the man: 12.46 minutes
time for the woman: 1.23 seconds
Historic Moment
At 8:02 p.m. on Feb. 20 this year, it will be an historic moment in time.
It will not be marked by the chiming of any clocks or the ringing of bells, but at that precise time, on that specific date, something will happen which has not occurred for 1,001 years and will never happen again.
As the clock ticks over from 8:01 p.m. on Feb. 20, time will, for 60 seconds only, read in perfect symmetry 2002, 2002, 2002, or to be more precise – 20:02, 20/02, 2002.
This historic event will never have the same poignancy as the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month which marks Armistice Day, but it is an event that has only ever happened once before, and is something that will never be repeated.
The last occasion that time read in such a symmetrical pattern was long before the days of the digital watch and the 24-hour clock at 10:01 a.m. on Jan. 10, 1001.
And because the clock only goes up to 23:59, it is something that will never happen again.
Do We Really Need More Security?
Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a privateinvestigator, Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was actually the beginning of theSecret Service. Since that time, federal police authority has grown to alarge number of agencies – FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, etc. NowCongress is considering a proposal for another agency: the “Federal AirTransportation Airport Security Service.” Now you tell me, does the image ofa security officer at an airport eating a donut, wearing a jacket that says
F.A.T.A.S.S amuse you as well?
Rogue
Digital Fuel Optimizer For Electronic Fuel Injection Systems
?Stand alone? technology (no factory ?re-maps? or Website-downloads required.)
Increased Horsepower everywhere!
Crisper Throttle Response
Full 3-range Adjustable Fuel Delivery Curve
Easy installation and Set Up
Simple Screwdriver ?Dial-in?
DFO- all you need to know, for maximum GO!
Our testing has found that the Screamin’ Eagle upgrade ?Module? is a download of optional EFI ?maps? through their diagnostic tool into the OEM black box. Both of these maps are still emission based and therefore are very limited in their function and cannot address the huge possible number of combinations that consumers are going to produce.The Dynojet product although adjustable to each bike, it requires a laptop computer or internet downloads to effect changes to each bike.
DFO is much broader in its range of adjustment(equally effective on stock bikes, all the way up to 100hp-plus, big displacement motors) and that adjustment is very easy to achieve by the end user. Peak horsepower is only one issue that needs to be addressed; the true beauty of our product is the improve- ment in roll-on and throttle response that creates a seat-of -the-pants improvement that will truly impress anyone whotries it!
This one product will address all issues of fuel injection with equal and effective ease and at a price consumers have come to expect… in other words comparable to jetkits.
Bikernet Caribbean Report
Just got back from Indy, and I have a bunch of news. We got the new AmericanIron Magazine (April issue) with my girlfriend’s bike featured, cool. Forthose of you who don’t know about the Indy dealer show, it’s a showcase ofeverything that has to do with motorcycles. Thousands of exhibitors bringtheir stuff and show what’s new for 2002. Of course, what interests us isthe American Big Twin market, so that’s where we spent most of the time.This year a new all-ABT section was added so we did not have to walkmiles and miles of static-charged carpets to find the good stuff. Also, wenoticed the effects of the sucky economy.
Several companies were no shows, and this usually means there’s financialproblems. Others attended the new Cinci show and skipped this one.There wasn’t as much new stuff as past years, but we managed to capturesome photos of the new products like the S&S 124 cubic inch motor.
Most of the “famous” bike builders were present, although Jesse James was ano show. A bunch of new bike companies were showing their motorcycles. Sadly, most of these won’t last through the year. American Iron Horseunveiled its new chopper. It’s pretty cool and at a good price — about $26,000. Orange County Choppers was there with a bunch of bikes, as wellas Bourget’s and its new models. By the way, it was pretty cool to berecognized as the guy that does the Caribbean Report in Bikernet, so Iguess we are doing something right.
After seeing many, and I mean many, bikes, we liked these two the most. Oneof them is a Jap chopper from Cobra with a Honda engine and a cool orangepaint job, but the other was a super slick old school bobber that CustomChrome had at their booth. This blue bike was only 350 pounds and mostlyhandmade. It was so clean!
We managed to attend some of the parties, but missed others. It’s not easyto walk the show all day and then party all night. I guess I might begetting old, or maybe just need a vacation to charge the batteries….whoknows…
All in all, it’s cool to see old friends and be able to talk to them withoutbeing crowded. It’s also good to be able to see the new parts and bikes before theyare showcased in Daytona.We hope that next year the show will be better and with lots of new stuffand companies, once this fucked up economy gets sorted out.
Well, we are waiting for the Trivia answers, and we will only wait for thisweek. If not, the shirt is going out.We have to get ready for Bike Week and it’s insanity. But that’s a storyfor next week.
See ya guys later
Jose- Bikernet Caribbean report
Continued On Page 3
February 21, 2002 Part 1
By Bandit |
My days are filled with kids, feeding pets, answering endless e-mails and phone calls, and trying to get Sin away from women and closer to work. Boring shit.
There are a few new and exciting things happening with Bikernet that I?d like to tell you about. One in particular is nudity in the Cantina. That?s right folks, we have naked women in the Cantina Girls lineup, compliments of www.cyberfoxes.biz.
If you?re not already a Cantina member, you may want to join now because soon we?re going to increase the price of subscriptions. The Cantina just hit its one-year anniversary and we underestimated the work it would take to keep it changing and exciting. Normally the Cantina is advertisement-free since it is subscription driven, but soon you?re going to see some banners from Xandria, one of the world?s largest sex toy companies. We?ve become an affiliate so that Sin and Coral can get their sex toys cheaper and, let’s face it, sex sells.
As you can see on the home page, Von Dutch has come on board and we?re glad to be associated with these guys. They?re working hard to keep the Von Dutch legacy alive and their product line is not too shabby either. You should check them out when you have a sec.
Pretty soon we?re gonna have something going with Bad Pig, so keep your eyes peeled for their banner. Speaking of Bad Pig, here?s a shot of our very own Brenda Fox, an ex- Bad Pig hottie in yet another of her stunning photos.
For those of you who follow the site, you may have seen our latest contest with Nick The Dick. Well, we have a winner. T-Bear answered the correct number of times Nick died so he?s the winner of the 2?-inch Eight Ball Risers donated by Aeromach.Congrats T-Bear! Send your address to layla@earthlink.net so I can get these in the mail to you and don?t ask for a Dragonfly shirt either. All you get are risers.
Another thing I?d like to mention is Jose, our Bikernet Caribbean reporter. He pours his heart in to each weekly update he sends us and I for one would like to publicly thank him. It sure makes my job easier when I have to pull all this crap together for the news. THANKS JOSE! You?re the best and I don?t care what JJ said about you.
I know Yoli has a lot to do with keeping you going so I would like to give a big thanks her as well. Hola Yoli!
All-righty then, with all the crap out of the way, let?s get to the news?..
Now in FastDates.com Pit Lane News…
Ducati’s New 2003 MotoGP “Motobambinodici” Grand Prix Roadracer!
Exclusive spy shots of Ducati’s upcoming MotoGP roadracer now revealed in the Pit Lane News section at FastDates.com
http://www.FastDates.com/PitLaneNews.HTM
Plus….
Sports Illustrated Supermodel Rebecca Romijn turns killer biker!
Rebecca becomes Killer Biker Chick on her Ducati Monster! All the gruesome details.
http://www.FastDates.com/PitLaneNews2002.02.2.HTM
A World-Wide Sportbike Calendar Review
Pirelli, Yamaha, Ducati and more! The sexy nude factory sportbike calendars you can’t buy in America. And you thought bikinis were too revealing?
http://www.FastDates.com/PitLaneNews2002.01.2.HTM
The Los Angeles Calendar Motorcycle Show – July 2002
Hot Bike, White Brothers, Performance Machine, and The Recycler present A two day decadent display of chrome, horsepower, live music, big boats, parties, beautiful calendar girls. What more could you want? Full details and Exhibitor Registration information online at…
http://www.FastDates.com/BIKESHOW.HTM
FastDates.com -All the really important motorcycle stuff you want to read and see. Not the fluff the other guys try to feed you. Because life is too short to take anything too seriously.
Continued On Page 2
February 21, 2002 Part 4
By Bandit |
ByLayla
Continued From Page 3
Visually Compelling
This was made by a lady in Timmins, Ontario, Canada, I believe. Apparently she wins the ice sculpture contest every year.
Chris—
THE HORSE, Backstreet Choppers is pleased to announce the 3rd Annual Smoke Out to be held July 26-28 at the Rowan County Fairgroundsin Salisbury, N.C., about an hour north of Charlotte, N.C. This is exit 74 offI-85.
By popular demand, the debauchery has been extended to three days. See foryourself the amazing Horse Maidens, from the cover of issue No. 22…theultimate Chopper Eliminations (what are these?)…Mad Dog burning the rubberoff his tires…The first ever appearance by Geno, a mystery guest andCharlie Horse, in person, to fill you in on Horse gossip.
There will be no slow races, no mustard-covered hotdogs being bit off. Noindeed. We plan to have a host of our own unique, equally-stupid contests. Stay tuned. More importantly, we will have beer. We will have food. Lots offood and beer. And music. And beer.
Bands are currently in the contracting process but should includeSkirtlifters (rockabilly), Bounty Hunter (classic and southern rock), HayseedDixie (bluegrass, but they only do AC/DC tunes- too bizarre to miss), and theMill City Rockers (one of the most popular biker bands New England has tooffer) and more.
The same simple-minded staff plans to have an oversized motorcycle trailer onthe premises, which will be burned as a tribute to the legions of those whoroad to this prestigious event. This event will someday be known as thegreatest chopper event in the world. The “burning of the trailer” willsomeday be symbolic to all in chopperdom. YOU can be there. YOU will beable to tell the story in bars for the rest of your life about how you werethere for the first trailer burn.
A chopper will be fabricated during the event before your very eyes. Some ofthe best in the industry will be wrenching, cutting, grinding and painting asyou watch on in horrified amazement. Ask questions as they do an enginerebuild or install an S&S carb. Some of our favorite after-market parts willbe used and the chopper extraordinaire will be auctioned to raise money toallow kids with asthma to attend a special summer camp.
Primitive camping is available on the premises for those who want thatEuropean SuperRally type of experience. For those wimps who want a motel room, THE HORSEstaff will be staying at the Comfort Suites (on exit 76B) and at the BestWestern (on exit 75). Both hotels have agreed to knock $20 off the normalrate if you tell them you are attending the Smoke Out! The Comfort Suitesrate is $53 (704) 630-0065 and the Best Western rate is $50 (704) 633-5777.
Admission will cost $25 for the three days, which includes theprimitive camping, the tons of events and the many excellent bands. By thetime you read this, more details will be available on the Web site atwww.thehorsemag.com, maps, announcements of even more events and details onthe bike shows. Venders should call Edge at (803) 269-9699 for a venderinformation packet. Hope you can make it.
What To Do In Case Of An Emergency
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up the young couple wholived there. They had been sleeping so he just tied them to the bed.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous youngwife, bound up on the bed in her skimpy nightgown, and whispered,”Honey, this guy hasn’t been with a woman in years. Just cooperate withanything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along withit and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.”
She hissed and spit out her gag and said “I’m so relieved you feelthat way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!”
Pickle Slicer
There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came home and told his wife that he had been fired from his job.
She began to scream and yell, “You have given them twenty years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?”
“For twenty years I’ve wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer,” he explained, “and today I finally did it!”
The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done. “You look okay,” she said with a sigh of relief. “So what happened to the pickle slicer?”
“Well,” he said with hesitation, “they fired her, too.”
Kind Lawyer
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. “Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.
“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, come along with me then,” instructed the lawyer.
“But, sir, I have a wife and two children!”
“Bring them along!” replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, “Come with us.”
“But sir, I have a wife and six children!” the second man answered.
“Bring them as well!” answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”
The lawyer replied, “No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall.”
Alligator Trick
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try”. A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle”.
Show Us Some SkinColored or black and gray. We don?t care, we just want to show off your tattoos. Submit photos to sinwu@bikernet.com. If there?s an interesting story behind your artwork, include it.Also, if you give us your address, we?ll send you some Bikernet stickers.
Thanks for sharing, Joseph from Wisconsin!
Victory Motorcycles Expands Partnership WithMaster Custom Bike Builders Arlen and Cory Ness
The partnership between Victory Motorcycles and master custom bike builders Arlen and Cory Ness continues to expand with the company?s announcement that the Nesses will play an increased role in the styling and design of future Victory models. The Nesses will also continue to develop the Arlen Ness Signature Series of Victory accessories, will build concept Victorys for display at shows, and they will make public appearances on behalf of the brand.
?We?re very excited to announce we?ve strengthened our relationship with Arlen and Cory. We?ve been working with them for a few years, and they?ve done a lot of great things for us,? said Victory General Manager Mark Blackwell. ?We?ve worked real hard over the last year to identify how we could help each other even more. We have identified specific objectives and specific targets, and put a plan together that is very focused.?
Arlen Ness said the partnership has been a goal of his and Cory?s.?We have wanted to work with Victory since its introduction a few years ago. We believe in the product and the people that make it happen. We expect big things to happen in the very near future,? said Arlen.Cory added: ?Designing motorcycles is what we love to do. This gives us an opportunity to use our talents on a whole new level.?
The Nesses are in the process of moving their custom bike and accessory business into a large new facility in Dublin, California, just east of Oakland. Their new operation includes a Victory dealership, where, Blackwell said, ?Arlen and Cory will test some new merchandising and sales approaches for Victory in their premiere new showroom, which will open later this spring.?
The Nesses will be involved with Victory in several ways, including:
? They will continue to design and supply accessories to Victory.
? They will serve as design consultants on future Victory models and future accessories and apparel.
? They will continue to make personal appearances on behalf of Victory at events such as dealer meetings, press launches, and major consumer events.
?They will significantly upgrade their commitment and presence as Victory dealers in their new showroom, and they will continue to build special show machines and project bikes that will be featured in motorcycle magazines and at events,? said Blackwell. ?I believe they will also help us identify strong candidates for Victory dealerships as we carefully work to strengthen our Victory dealer network.?
Arlen Ness is a legend among custom motorcycle builders and stylists. He has built numerous innovative and trend-setting customs, has successfully marketed his own lines of accessories, and has been the focus of countless magazine articles and numerous books on motorcycle customization.
His son Cory was raised in an environment that immersed him in art, styling, and, specifically, design of custom motorcycles. He plays a lead role in the daily operation of the Ness businesses, and has created several well-known custom bikes that have been featured at events and in magazines.
?You could argue that Arlen Ness is the best-known and most-respected custom motorcycle builder in the world,? Blackwell said. ?He?s extremely well-known in the United States?and internationally. And I believe that over the coming years, Cory will become equally well known and respected. Arlen and Cory complement each other with their individual styles and approaches, and we think that mix will benefit us in the styling they contribute to Victory.?
Along with the Victory dealership and custom bike building operation, the Nesses? 70,000-sq. ft. facility in Dublin includes a museum featuring Arlen Ness?s personal collection of more than 100 rare and custom-made motorcycles.For more information on Victory Motorcycles, including a dealer locator, visit the Victory Web site at: www.victory-usa.com. A dealer locator service is also offered toll-free at 1-800-POLARIS.
Victory Motorcycles is a division of Polaris Industries Inc. Information about the complete line of Polaris products is available from authorized Polaris dealers or from the Polaris home page at www.polarisindustries.com.
Polaris designs, engineers, manufactures, and markets snowmobiles, all-terrain vehicles (ATVs), Victory motorcycles, watercraft, and the Polaris RANGER for recreational and utility use. Polaris is the largest snowmobile manufacturer in the world, and one of the largest U.S. manufacturers of ATVs and watercraft. Polaris enhances the riding experience with a complete line of Pure Polaris apparel, accessories, and parts available at Polaris dealerships. Consumers can also purchase apparel and vehicle accessories around the clock online at www.polarisindustries.com.
The Polaris Professional Series, a line of heavy duty Workmobiles? designed for use by lawn and landscape companies, equipment rental companies, and construction operations, marks Polaris’ expansion into the commercial equipment marketplace.Polaris Industries Inc. trades on the New York Stock Exchange and Pacific Stock Exchange under the symbol “PII,” and the company is included in the S&P SmallCap 600 stock price index.
Hey Bandit, Check Out This Site, This is the Norton site I found finally for the Weekly News: www.nortonamerica.com.com Also this is a cool Norton site, lots of info (Norton Owners Club) www.noc.co.uk
Paul
Well that?s it—- I know you all can?t wait for Bandit to return. Believe me, no one wants him home more than me. The sun is shining outside, warm air surrounds me and I?m sitting inside stuck on this fucking computer. Snake and Bandit may create the intros and endings you read but I?m the one who has to put all the other shit in place. I?d rather be shopping or something. Plus I?m getting pretty damn lonely. Someone tried to tell me that five months wasn?t that long to go without?.. Hah! That dude must have been a eunuch. All these women Sin has running around are starting to look good. Bandit better hurry or we?ll all be lesbians by the time he gets home. I wonder if he would consider being with a woman cheating? I?ll have to ask.
So, in the proper Bikernet fashion, I?ll end with – Have a helluva weekend, and if the sun is shining, get out and go for a ride!
Layla
February 14, 2002 Part 4
By Bandit |
BySnake
Continued From Page 3
Here’s a recent photo of Enron’s employees leaving work with all their possessions.
Funeral and the pitbull
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffeewhen she noticed a most unusual funeral processionapproaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second longblack hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary womanwalking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind her were200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity.Sherespectfully approached thewoman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry foryour loss, and I know that now is a bad time todisturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral likethis. Whose funeral is it?”
The woman replied, “Well that first hearse is formy husband.”She asked, “What happened to him?”The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.”She inquired further, “Well, who is in the secondhearse?”The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She wastrying to help my husband when the the dog turned onher.”
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passesbetween the two women.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
“Get in line.”
IRS
The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective January 1st, 1999, the penis will be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:10 – 12″ Luxury Tax $30.00
Which one would be your tax bracket?
8 – 10″ Pole Tax $25.00
5 – 8″ Privilege Tax $15.00
4 – 5″ Nuisance Tax $3.00
Males exceeding 12″ must file under capital gains.Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!
A FEW INTERESTING THINGS:
After the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, which killed six andinjured 1,000; President Clinton promised thatthose responsiblewould be hunted down and punished.
After the 1995 bombing in Saudi Arabia, which killed five U.S.military personnel; Clinton promised that those responsiblewould be hunted down and punished.
After the 1996 Khobar Towers bombing in SaudiArabia, whichkilled 19 and injured 200 U.S. military personnel; Clintonpromised that those responsible would be hunted down andpunished.
After the 1998 bombing of U.S. embassies in Africa, which killed224 and injured 5,000; Clinton promised that those responsiblewould be hunted down and punished.
After the 2000 bombing of the USS Cole, whichkilled 17 andinjured 39 U.S. sailors; Clinton promised that those responsiblewould be hunted down and punished.
Maybe if Clinton had kept his promise, an estimated 7,000 peoplein New York and Washington, D.C. that are now dead would bealive today.
AN INTERESTING QUESTION:
This question was raised on a Philly radio call-in show. Withoutcasting stones, it is a legitimate question.There are two men,both extremely wealthy. One develops relatively cheap softwareand gives billions of dollars to charity. Theother sponsorsterrorism. That being the case, why is it thatthe ClintonAdministration spent more money chasing downBill Gates overthe past eight years than Osama bin Laden?
THINK ABOUT IT!
It is a strange turn of events. Hillary gets$8 Million for herforthcoming memoir. Bill gets about $12 Million for his memoiryet to be written.This from two people who have spent the past 8 years beingunable to recall anything about past events while under oath!INCREDIBLE
GOLD STAR MOTHERS
Gold Star Mothers is an organization made up of women whose sonswere killed in military combat during servicein the UnitedStates armed forces.
Recently a delegation of New York State GoldStar Mothers made atrip to Washington, DC to discuss various concerns with theirelected representatives. According to NewsMax.com there was only onepolitician in DC who refused to meet withthese ladies. Can youguess which politician that might be? Was itNew York SenatorCharles Schumer?Nope, he met with them. Try again. Do you know anyone serving inthe Senate who has ever had anything but contempt for ourmilitary?Do you happen to know the name of any politician in WashingtonWhose husband once wrote of his loathing of the military?Now you’re getting warm! You got it! None other than the Queenherself, Hilary Clinton. She refused repeated requests to meetwith the Gold Star Mothers.
Now — please don’t tell me you’re surprised. This woman wants tobe president of the United States —and there is a huge percentageof the voters who are anxious to help herachieve that.
I?M BACK
After all that talk of beer drinkin?, it reminds me of my thirst. I gotta? find a beer some where around here. That?s the news for today. I?m on a mission to snag some beer. I guess since no one?s around, I can make a draw on the petty cash drawer. Wow, there?s a ten-spot left. I?m outta? here.
Snake?
February 14, 2002 Part 3
By Bandit |
BySnake
Continued From Page 2
Merlin Roadster by Corbin on the horizon
by Teddy Bear
Feb. 13, 10 a.m. Eastern time
What do you get when you take a three-wheeled Harley-Davidson chopper and drive it in reverse?
You get a Merlin Roadster made by a tiny, Hollister, Calif., company called Corbin Motors.The Merlin, which its maker says will hit the streets this summer, is powered by a walloping 1,400-cc fuel-injected V-twin Harley-Davidson motor. But the trick here is that the single wheel is in back, the engine is up front and the driver steers with a wheel, not sissy bars. There’s a gas pedal and brake and clutch, all on the floor, and you shift through a 4-speed manual tranny. And yes, there is a reverse gear, too.
In other words, it’s a front-wheel-drive motorbike that drives like a car.
Yes, it’s still a bike, not a car, so you need a motorcycle license (in most states) to drive one.
The advantage–according to its maker–is that anybody who knows how to drive a car can drive the Merlin. Taxes, as well as insurance, are much lower, and most states will allow it in their high-occupancy vehicle lanes (because it’s a bike–really, officer, really!). It gets better mileage than a typical car. And it will get a lot more double takes.
With 75 horsepower and only 1,100 pounds of weight to haul around, the one-seater is a lot more powerful than other micro cars like…well, like the MCC Smart, which parent company DaimlerChrysler may eventually import to America. The Smart Passion tilts the scales at 1,600 pounds and only puts out a piddling 53 hp–and takes 17 seconds to get to 60 miles per hour as a result. To put things in perspective, the Merlin has roughly the same power-to-weight ratio as a $43,365 Porsche Boxster–but costs $20,000 less.
It also has wider, lower tires than the Porsche and, with that Harley motor, sounds a lot meaner, too.
Then again, wearing a helmet is required; there aren’t any airbags; and, if it rains, the driver is just as wet as he would be on a motorcycle. And with a helmet, plus all the wind and engine noise, what’s the point of the CD player? (Yes, it has one.)
But there are advantages over a hog. There’s a trunk big enough for groceries, a full steel frame under all of that fiberglass, and a seatbelt for safety. Plus the Merlin is available in candy-apple red, tangerine, black or silver. And just think, for the price of a Honda Accord, you can commute with a lot more style!
Specifications:
Harley Davidson 88-cubic inch, twin cam balanced, fuel- injected engine including the Harley ignition and wiring harness
4-speed manual transmission with reverse
Front wheel direct drive and steering
3-wheel disc brakes
Tubular steel chassis
Composite body
Scissor door: (click to view)
Tilt steering wheel
Fully integrated dashboard
Stereo AM/FM radio + CD player
4.5 cubic foot trunk space
52 inches wide from outside of tire to outside of tire
117 inches total length
78 inches axle to axle length
Performance:
100+ mph
35 mpg
Registers, insures and parks like a motorcycle
Colors:
Production models will be available in candy apple red, tangerine, black or silver.
Options:
Chrome Package ($1,700) Chrome wheels and Chrome/Black motor.
More Roadster Information and Online Deposit Form
Order with Corbin Motors Sales Department: mda@corbinmotors.com
Payment:
$1,000 deposit due when reservation is placed, $10,000 second deposit due when production of your Roadster begins, and the balance due upon delivery. Destination charges, tax and license fee are extra.
Price: $23,900
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK – She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER – She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not EASY – She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND – She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIRHEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She is not HORNY ! – She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
9. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS – She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
10. She does not NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
11. She is not a SLUT – She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
12. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS – She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
13. She is not a TWO BIT WHORE – She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT – He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER – He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME – He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING ! – He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER – He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK-He becomes ACCIDENTALLYHORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS – He develops a case ofRECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG – He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT – He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
Bikernet Caribbean Report
Hey guys, I’m back, although by the time you read this we will be in Indylooking at all the new products and hanging out with friends.We will surely try to have all the new stuff that’s coming out in thefollowing months for you to look at first, here at Bikernet.Also, as promised, the trivia is finally here. Here’s how it works: Ipost some questions, the first one to e-mail them back to us with all thecorrect answers will receive a Chopper Freak T-shirt for gratis. Since I’mfeeling much better, I’ll even send two T-shirts if you happen to be thefirst answer and have them all right. All you gotta do is send us an e-mailat Jose@ChopperFreak.com with your answers. In case no one gets them,the one with the most answers wins. In other words, the shirt is goingno matter what.
We have just found out that one of our Bourget’s bikes will be featured inAmerican Iron Magazine. They told us that it’s a six-page spread in the Aprilissue, so keep your eyes peeled. Also, this will be the issue that they giveaway in Daytona, so you might even get it for free.
As you might know, the Indy trade show takes place this weekend> It isthe mother of motorcycle trade shows and includes all kinds of bike stuff.This year they will feature a section for American big twins only, whichseems pretty cool, hence we don’t have to walk the whole damn place toget to the good stuf, although it’s always fun to check out the motocrossstuff.
Sad to report that WCC No. 4 and 5 won’t make it to Daytona. With lots ofwork and the unexpected events, we cannot finish them in time. This, to us,is like Bandit not having a ride done in time for Sturgis….Oh well, thatmeans we will have to go to Myrtle Beach.
Keep an eye on the new Horse magazine for one of our Old School chops, andsome upcoming articles on Puerto Rico.
I bet more than one of our readers has the Olympic bug. Man, one of thethings I wanted to do was compete in an Olympic event, not even to win medals,but just to be there. And trust me, I have been to hell and back but no Olympicsports. I guess when they do chopper riding I might try out.
Also have a great Valentine’s Day, give your loved ones a hug, remember thisis not about red and hearts, it’s about loving your partner and family,life and friends. We are very lucky to have people who care for us, and whowe care about, that’s the essence of life. And now that I got all smushy,here’s the trivia……Good Luck!
1) What’s the last year of the rigid frame for Harley ?
2) In what city did Billy Lane and Warren start their Choppers Inc. business?
3) What was the first year of the “cone” Shovelhead motor?
4) Did you have to wear a helmet in California in 1993?
5) When did Harley turn in 12-volt electrical systems?
6) Who did Jesse James work for before opening his own shop? (any of the3 answers will be correct)
7) What does “81” stand for?
8) What’s Indian Larry’s real last name?
OK, now send those answers ASAP to Jose at ChopperFreak.com and wait for ourreply.Well guys, see ya next week with more news and stuff…..Take care….
Jose,
Bikernet Caribbean report.
The Art of Taking A Pee
(Written to a woman who accidently walkedinto a men’s restroom…)
Please don’t feel bad, lady. It wasn’t you entering the men’s washroom thatcaused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time.
It’s rare for us guys to ever hit what we’re aiming for. Sometimes I go intothe washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I’llmake sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men’s peniseshave a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all theurinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis willstill manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pantleg, and onto his shoe. I’m telling ‘ya those little buggers can’t betrusted.
After being married 28 years, my wife has me trained. I’m no longer allowed topee like a man – standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has>convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise, if she had gone tothe toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee- soaked toilet seator fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she wasgoing to kill me in my sleep.
Now another thing us guys don’t usually like to talk about, but because youand I have become such good friends and you think I’m a classy guy, I mightas well be candid with you because it’s a real problem, and you ladies needto be understanding. It’s the dreaded “morning wood”.
Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee,and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hardyou try, you can’t get that thing to bend, and if it don’t bend you can’taim, well hell, if you can’t aim you have no choice but to piss all over thewallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on puttingon the toilet.
And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, thefriggin’ toilet seat won’t stay up by itself. So that means we have to useone hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to controlourselves for that perfect aim.
Now sometimes, when you’re newly married, (and I know the guys in here willback me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damnfuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing untilthe seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzystarts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flyingdown and tries to whack off your weenie.
So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it’s just not safe. Itried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her…look, it won’t bend. She said, “sit down like I told you to do all the restof the time.” OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with “morning wood”.
Well it’s is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before Icould manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wallacross the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forceddown under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee shoots out from thecrack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You pissall over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on tothat damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in frontof the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinarydilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over the toiletseat.This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split timeprecision but it’s the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl duringthe first morning pee.
So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We aresensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but thereare times when things just get beyond our control.
It’s not our fault, it’s just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature,… there wouldn’t have been a problem!
~Author Unknown~
Feel the heat, go HOG WILD!
Feb. 14, 2002?Biker Billy wants YOUR recipes for his next book, “Hogwild on a Harley,” to be published by Harvard Common Press, Boston, in spring 2003.
He?s the hottest cook on a Harley, his demonstrations are the hit of the rally circuit. No one knows peppers?from ancho to serrano?better than Bill Hufnagle. His two books, ?Biker Billy Cooks with Fire? and ?Biker Billy?s Freeway-a-Fire? have turned up the heat in kitchens across America.
Biker Billy?s third book will be dedicated to Harley-Davidsons and the people who ride them. After all, we live to ride, and we ride to eat! HOG WILD ON A HARLEY will be a celebration of Harley people, lifestyle, and community expressed through food.
Biker Billy wants to include YOUR recipes?for meals, snacks, parties, holidays, beverages; childhood or family favorites are welcome. Ingredients can come from any food group?animal or vegetable. The recipes don?t have to be hot and spicy, but they must be uniquely yours, not taken from another book, magazine, or Internet site.
Submit recipes on-line until March 25, 2002 at www.bikerbilly.com/home.tpl. Click the recipe submission icon. Please read the release form before you hit submit recipe, that indicates you accept these terms.
Just type, or copy and paste, your text in the form:Recipe title, subtitle if necessary.List ingredients with quantities. Be specific: 1/2 teaspoon, 2 cups, 6 ounces, 3/4 pound; fresh, frozen, dried, whole, chopped, diced, minced, shredded, ground.Step-by-step directions for preparation, and expected results for each stage. Describe consistency of mixtures before cooking, how to correct and test for done.Number of servings, suggested foods or beverages to accompany.A paragraph or two to about your experience with Harleys and food. (50-300 words)
Multiple submissions encouraged! Photographs of you, your motorcycle, and your food (keep them rated G, please) may also be sent through the web site. Biker Billy?s going HOGWILD ON A HARLEY?come along for the ride! Hog Wild on a Harley will be published by Harvard Common Press, Boston in spring, 2003.
On The Front Lines With Customer Assistance
(with hilarious thanks to Kimberly Klein, aka “K-Squared”)
I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true storyfrom the WordPerfect Help line which was transcribed from a recordingmonitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Deskemployee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfectorganization for “Termination without Cause.”
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now Iknow why they record theseconversations):
“Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”
“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”
“Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“It’s a blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have alittle light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cordgoes into it. Can you see that?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into thewall.”
“Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice if there were two cablesplugged into the back of it?”
“No.”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the othercable.”
“Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back ofyour computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“No.”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle — it’s because it’sdark.”
“Dark?”
“Yes — the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming infrom the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light, then.”
“I can’t.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power failure.”
“A power…………a power failure? Aha, okay, we’ve got it licked now.Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer camein?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it waswhen you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too fucking stupid to own a computer.”
Continued On Page 4
February 14, 2002 Part 2
By Bandit |
BySnake
Continued From Page 1
A doctor tells it like it is
This was written by a doctor in Texas and is very good, please read.
I was just reading Yahoo news and the San Antonio Express newspaper. Youknow what upsets me? People with absolutely nothing to do with theirlives,so they complain on how the United States is treating the prisoners or “detainees”from Afghanistan.
Do you know why they are complaining? They see a picture on the news orthe Internet and they see someone who is shackled and blindfolded andwalking with two armed guards behind razor wire. This picture tells themthey are treated unfairly.
Here is what I see….
I see a thin, sickly looking person who, under severe mental duress frombeing bombed, was cleaned up, given a haircut to prevent infestation ofparasites, and given new clothes and shoes to wear. I see a person whois given three nutritious meals per day and a bed to sleep in a tropicalclimate, not the cold desert floor of Afghanistan, eating worms, bugsand goat. I see a person who will be able to get relief from their painsandillnesses without paying a dime for medical expenses. They will get rest andeducation and their mental stress levels will have dropped tremendouslybecause they were taken out of a combat area and will not be shotat again.
I see these people blindfolded and shackled behind razor wire. I have theintellectual ability to understand why they are this way. For those whodo not have this ability, let me explain it to you. They are blindfoldedtoprotect our U.S. soldiers from further harm. These people cannot planto destroy something if they cannot see it. They are shackled becausethese same people have proven they will easily give up their lives to killjust ONE AMERICAN. We are protecting their life as well as our own. Therazor wire is a mental deterrent, just like the little alarm companywarningsigns most of you have on your home, but don’t have the actualalarm system. You would think many times over before actually tryingto cross that razor wire. For all of you people out there thinking how badthese poor detainees have it under such strict guard, you need to do alot more thinking about other things in your life.
I was born on Sept. 11, 1966, and every birthday I have from nowon will never be a happy one. Why? you ask. Because as I am outsomewhere trying to have a nice dinner, someone will have a candle or aribbon or something, crying about the anniversary of a national tragedy.And then I will think about how insignificant my one little birthdayactuallyis compared to everything else that happened on that one day.
It boggles my mind that there are actually people out there in this world,in leadership positions, heads of companies that actually think that we aredoing something wrong when it comes to protecting our nation and ourpeople. These same people will be the first ones to complain aboutsomething that happens to them when they are vacationing outside thiscountry. They will ask why the U.S. does not do anything about theirmisfortune. These are the same people that complain about taxes and howbad their lives actually are.
If you receive this e-mail, please pass it on to everyone in your addressbook. I am not afraid or ashamed to speak my peace. I am an American,my father fought for this country and was willing to die for it.
Dr. Steven Tomaselli
Gen. Schwartzkopf
In a recent interview, Gen. Norman Schwartzkopf wasasked if he thought there was room for forgivenesstoward the people who have harboured and abetted theterrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.His answer was classic Schwartzkopf. He said:”I believe that forgiving them is God’s function. Our job is simply to arrange the meeting.”
Do your part
From a retired government employee . . .When you get ads in your phone or utility bill,include them with thepayment. Let them throw it away. Think globally, actlocally.
When you get those pre-approved letters in the mailfor everything fromcredit cards to second mortgages and junk like that,most of them come withpostage paid return envelopes, right?
Well, why not get rid of some of your other junkmail and put it in thesecool little envelopes? Send an ad for your localchimney cleaner toAmerican Express. Or a pizza coupon to Citibank. Ifyou didn’t getanything else that day, then just send them theirapplication back! Justmake sure your name isn’t on anything you send them.You can send it back empty if you want to just tokeep ’em guessing!
Let’s turn this e-mail into a chain letter!Eventually, the banks andcredit card companies will begin getting all theirjunk back in the mail.
Let’s let them know what it’s like to get junk mail,and best ofall…THEY’RE paying for it! Twice!
Let’s help keep our Postal Service busy since theysay e-mail is cuttinginto their business, and that’s why they need toincrease postage again!
Sex in the dark:
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every timethey made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured shewould break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in themiddle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. Shelooked down … and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasuredevice… a vibrator … soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. Shegoes completely ballistic. “You impotent bastard,” she screamed at him, “how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explainyourself!” The husband looks her straight in the eyesand says calmly:……….I’ll explain the toy… if you explain the kids.”
THE “FORWARDER’S” 12 STEP PROGRAM – EVERYONE SAY IT WITH ME …
I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailinglists if I DON’T forward an e-mail!
I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward ane-mail.
Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria’s Secret doesn’tknow anything about a gift certificate they’re supposed to send me.
Ford will NOT give me a 50 percent discount even if I forward my e-mailto more than 50 people!
I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons or freebies fromCoca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy or anyone else if I send an e-mailto 10 people.
I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail …NEVER –NEVER!
There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I amnot STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 forforwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program inEngland collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. Heis now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN’T WANT ANYMORE POST CARDS or GET WELL CARDS.
The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (orwhatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enablethem to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorfulflowers, characters or program that I will receiveimmediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!
The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certainindividuals dying of some never-heard-of disease for everye-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVESdonations.
And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending thingsby telling me I am not their friend or that I don’t believe inJesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe thebushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and sendit along to at least five of your friends before the next full moonor you will surely be constipated for the next three months and allof your hair will fall out!
Just Kidding…
Bikernet Blonde Joke
A blonde and her husband were hunting in the woods when the husband falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The blonde whips out her cell phone and calls 911. She gasps to the operator, “I think my husband is dead, what can I do?”
The operator in a calm voice says, “Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The blonde comes back on the line, “OK, now what?”
Twin Towers
This picture was taken by a guy returning on a cruise this past summer (July 28, 2001). It is a sunrise over lower Manhattan.
HE Writes: As I watched the beautiful skyline of New York City float past me, I noticed the sun was about to line up just behind the Twin Towers. I was lucky enough to snap the picture at exactly the right moment. If you look at the sun rays it is almost prophetic – a little spooky.
When I show this picture to anyone they almost always asks for a copy. I just want to share it with all who want it. Please take this picture and share it with anyone and everyone who likes it. I’ve been printing them like crazy on my home computer.
B. Tronolone
Continued On Page 3