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Read More Janurary 3, 2002 Part 3
By Bandit |
Continued From Page 2
A Word From Beautiful Brenda—
As I was putting this news together, I received a phone call from our resident model/spokeswoman/mistress of ceremonies/ray of sunshine – Brenda Fox.
She told me a story about Richard, the dude who bought the Blue Flame. She ran in to him at the Rock Store about a week ago and just happen to have some of the post cards of her on the Blue Flame.
She gave him some, they chatted for a bit then he rode off on that beautiful bike. A few blocks away, Richard was pulled over, (he really did make a complete stop), and was about to get a ticket when he gave the cop the postcard. The cop looked at it, then told him to get outta there! No ticket! The power of a beautiful woman.
TIME OUT–back at the ship we neared another holiday. I tell ya something had got to change about these godforsaken harbors. Every harbor is an industrial wasteland full of sharp-edged iron chunks rusting while waiting for a ship to be loaded on for a voyage to China. We live in a joyful society while our world of goods gets from place to place by being packed on rusting hulks that pull into one dour desert of junkyard steel after another. All we can see from each port we sail into are burning release valves and smoking, rotten warehouses and refineries for as far as the eye can see. In each case we need to beg someone to come to this area of the destitute to rescue us from a ghetto of cranes and fork lifts and stevedores surrounding 50-gallon drums full of cardboard and burning pallet wood to keep warm. Most of the crew, including the captain, never leaves the ship.
They never see the frozen lakes of people ice skating, or the theaters or grand museums packed with the artifacts and the legends that brought these burgs to the prominence they now enjoy. They never see the colorful night life. They never see the brightly printed magazines after they have carried the paper to port. They don?t go to shore to see the beautiful women after they hauled the machinery that made the dresses. It?s a shame. On top of their steel cells and industrial surroundings, crime strikes and violence reigns.
A couple of days before New Year’s Eve, a religious group from the seaman?s mission came on board to entertain the Filipino crew. Either during or after their couple of hours on the board, two cabins were broken into or a woman?s purse was stolen. Another babe lost her watch and assorted items off her desk while she slept. The next morning the thievery came to light and the captain was alerted. Some assumed that a member of the crew was at fault, another thought it was someone from the religious groups.
At first the captain simply shrugged as the loss wasn?t great, but I didn?t like the idea that someone had entered a woman?s cabin without the correct prompting. I pushed for action that would indicate to the wrong doer that we were going to kick some ass if it happened again. I began my own sideline Chinatown investigation, although I wished I had Jean Harlow at my side during the cavernous hunt into the seaport underworld. I discovered that this harbor, as most harbors aside from Hamburg, had very poor security and people wander on and off ships without so much as a sign-in list. There is no security at the gang planks and kids sneak onto ships and usually hit whatever is close to an exit. The Antwerp police admitted that there are gangs that roam the dark port streets busting into anything they can carry away and attack ships and predominately captains? cabins. That?s where the electronic equipment and cash is. The investigation continues with constant and unrelenting questioning of any young woman I can find.
Two nights later I slipped off the rotting hulk of a tuna can that carries cargo around the world and slid into the ornate world of the Hilton in downtown Antwerp.
Into the ballroom we strolled enjoying the high fashion of women in slinky dresses that slid on their silky skin and old farts in tuxedos. As we sat through one course after another in the lavish presence of the town?s high society, two things struck me: One was the ship and its imprisoned crew cooking another whole pig and drinking whiskey surrounded by cold steel walls and snow capped darkness.
I was suddenly enveloped in lurid visions of my fugitive past. I don?t know what befell me, if it was the tall beautiful blonde two tables away who sought my attention with each sip of wine as her husband spoke to her intently. She wore a loose fitting gown that was held on by two miniscule straps that danced on her otherwise naked shoulders. The silver gown flowed over her unencumbered Rubenisque breasts. Her golden hair was pulled to the back of her head and held with a silver tie that revealed the soft curve of her neck, like Layla wears her hair at home. Something came over me like a silver bullet from my past, a revelation of my sins with women. I thought of the pain I inflicted on my last wife. It wasn?t a mere consideration, but a flashback of painful moments, relationship torpedoes launched in a sea of tears. I reached for my glass of wine, but knew full well that it wouldn?t hide the missile that was all too clear and irreversible. Another bomb came as the image of my first wife crying appeared in my heart. I couldn?t shake them, as if I was forced to relive my tainted past as the New Year approached.
In the Sunday post I mentioned that as a New Year?s resolution we should make a woman smile, something I love to do. In my mind I fight the rules and my spirit fights for freedom while my heart cries for the pain I?ve inflicted. I?m not sure there is an answer, but there is loyalty and truthfulness. I wish all relationships would be filled with joyous days and never end. I wish pirates had a source of maidens who understood their spirit and let them wander unhampered. I suppose if you?re a pirate, you must admit it and ride or sail away to another port as we will in two days. Ah, me laddy, it?s to Genoa, Italy, and another adventure.
We left the bright lights and slinky skirts and returned to the tarnished ship before midnight to spend the last moments of 2001 with the crew. But due to my efforts to enhance security, the gangplank had been raised while the officers and crew partied on the bridge and tried to look past the dark and dour conditions of the harbor to see the fireworks in the distance through the fog. We stood on the snow-covered concrete dock in the dark as the ship?s horn announced the beginning of a new year and a crew member hustled to our assistance. Have a wonderful 2002, and make every day count for something.–Bandit
Janurary 3, 2002 Part 2
By Bandit |
Continued From Page 1
INSIDER HORSE TRADING–Recently, our Web master and bad guy sleuth, the Digital Gangster, began to sneak links into bike mag e-mail portals so we can scoop up insider information on several magazines. Here?s a report on the outlandish chopper mag HORSE:Although I write from this address (military), it’s not the address I want bookmarked for obvious reasons. The recon account is being cancelled, so it will be no more! Just wanted to pass that on.
I’m working on issue 23 right now. I’d like submissions by the 15th, or at least let me know what you’re planning on submitting, so I know how much space to allow. I already have something from Englishman, some great stuff by the way. I also have something from Indiana Bill. Rod, let me know if you’re going to do a short write up on Tony’s Knuck.
Shows are right around the corner: Cincinnati, Indy and Daytona. I will try to make Cincinnati, but am in doubt about Indy and Daytona for reasons related to commitments on Feb. 28, which may take the wind out of my sail. Otherwise, I’ll make them all.
WI was thinking about having the twins attend Daytona and Cincinnati. That may be more than we can afford, so any recommendations would be appreciated. I want to start putting them out and see if it’s worth having a recognizable model every year. I think it is, and will draw people to them and our magazine.
I need someone to work with Ed Martin to do a write up on a bike we’re using on the next cover. Any takers?
Matt…I like your humor; use it and do some spoofs or takes on current trends, etc. The posts on Backtalk regarding the issue with the reverse photo was good.Jon Towle, you’re a genius, regardless of what Geno says behind your back.Anyway, that’s all I have for now. -Hammer.
RUN FOR BREATH UPDATE–As often as we can, we will publish information on the 4th annual Run For Breath, sponsored by Charlotte Harley-Davidson. I was invited to be the master of ceremonies last year and rumor has it that I may have the honor of attending again this year.
This event is designed to collect contributions for a kids? asthma facility. Mike Pullin, the parts manager at Charlotte H-D, lost his son to an asthma attack five years ago and he kicked off this event in his son?s name. Last year I invited Lee Clemens from Departure Bike Works in Richmond, Va., to attend as he had recently lost his son, Travis. When Lee and Mike met, a new and lasting friendship bond was formed, and Mike has attended a Departure Bike Works event in Richmond.
The event takes place in July and we?ll give you reports from time to time including news such as: HORSE magazine will be involved through staff member and one helluva writer, Edge. He?s working with Mike and a woman called the ?Meanest? from the dealership. I don?t dare touch on this woman. If I say one nasty word about that lady, she?ll kick my ass into the middle of tomorrow.
Speakin of Mike Pullin—-
Check out his latest creation??Skeletor
Hey Bandit,Here are some pics of my 91 Springer, aka Skeletor. I changed the bars,exhaust and seat. I think it came out pretty cool! A little info on thebike. I bought the bike new in 1991. The engine has an Andrews EV46 cam,Screamin’ Eagle ignition module, S&S E carb and Samson rip saw exhaust. The rear fender is all steel — twoFat Boy fenders made into one!
Later!
Mike
ANOTHER INSIDER MAG REPORT–Here?s a snatched e-mail from the editor of Cruising Rider, Josh Placa, who hides in a cave in Sedona, Ariz. ?To twist your melon further, over, I have included the new names for thespring, summer, etc. issues, which we think make more sense. I mean, afterall, what da fuck is “Peak Season?” Readers, advertisers and even fatheadfreelancers can now know what de fuck they’re working on, over.
Spring (new name for ’02 will be March/April) — done
Summer (new name for ’02 will be May/June) — deadline 1/15 (on sale4/3/02)
Peak Season (new name is July/August — 3/15 (on sale 5/29)
Fall (new name is Sept./Oct. — 5/1 (on sale 7/24)
BIKERNET INSIDER REPORT–Since I?m halfway around the world, the only way I can maintain my heavy-handed control over every goddamn aspect of the site is to have the Digital Gangster check outgoing Bikernet e-mails. This e-mail is to some new broad Sin?s chasin?.
?YOU ARE SO NASTY…….UMMM! I do want to know more about you. Is this goingto be just a cyber thing or are you seriously wanting to know me? If so,then tell me about you and I will most likely let you wash my hair, latherme and rub lotion anywhere you desire. Sin.?
Help me out. What the hell does she mean?
ALTERNATE BIKER WEB SITE– I haven?t checked it out because I?m creeping into the middle of the ocean and it costs me mint to go online. What the hell, check it out and let me know what you think: Beauty of Speed – A state of the art power quest http://www.beautyofspeed.com/.”Dedicated to 1940s Harley-Davidson, Indian and Crocker Motorcycles speedand racing.”
Among sections noted…Updated Oct. 26, 2001Now up: a complete index ofwhere to get 45 performanceparts. Get more power!
-John
FORBES MAGAZINE NAMES HARLEY-DAVIDSON AS COMPANY OF THE YEAR
Performance, passion and outlook cited in story
MILWAUKEE — (Dec. 20, 2001) Harley-Davidson Inc. has been named Company of the Year by FORBES Magazine, one the world’s leading business publications. The honor and accompanying article entitled “Love Into Money” appears in the Jan. 7, 2002, edition of FORBES and on the magazine’s Web site at www.forbes.com.
Key factors cited for the FORBES Company of the Year award include Harley-Davidson’s record sales growth and earnings, along with strong overall financial performance. In addition, the article notes the company’s long and storied history as well as the devotion of its enthusiasts as deciding factors. “Harley-Davidson stirs passion in its riders, its dealers and its employees and translates that passion into profit,” the article states.
The article also focuses on Harley-Davidson’s new V-Rod motorcycle and its development, the Buell line of motorcycles, the Rider’s Edge New Rider Course, and the Company’s history and technological advancement.
Harley-Davidson Inc. is the parent company for Harley-Davidson Motor Company, Buell Motorcycle Company and Harley-Davidson Financial Services, Inc. Harley-Davidson Motor Company, the only major U.S.-based motorcycle manufacturer, produces heavyweight motorcycles and offers a complete line of motorcycle parts, accessories, apparel, and general merchandise. Buell Motorcycle Company produces sport and sport-touring motorcycles. Harley-Davidson Financial Services, Inc. provides wholesale and retail financing, insurance and credit card programs to Harley-Davidson dealers and customers.
DEGREES OF BLONDNESS
ONE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blond), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here,” and hung up.
The husband said, “Who was that?”The wife said, “I don’t know; some woman wanting to know ‘if the coast is clear.”
TWO
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, “Hmm, this person looks familiar.”
The second blonde says, “Here, let me see!” So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it’s me!”
THREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it.”
The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next!”
FOUR
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, “Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.”
A friend says, “OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?”
The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy W.”
FIVE
Q: What the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant.
A “Is it mine?”
Surrogate Father
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and elected to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. Good morning madam. I’ve come to…”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Smith cut in.
“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”
“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.” After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”
“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot of. . . ” gasped Mrs. Smith.
“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”
“Don’t I know it,” Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London.”
“Oh my God!!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
“Yes”, the photographer said. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, um…equipment?”
“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”
“Tripod?”
“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?…Good Lord, she’s fainted!”
A Slab Of Rocks
A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found slabof rock with five figures carved on it. In order the figures were:
1. A Woman 2. A Donkey 3. A Shovel 4. A Fish and5. A Star of David.
After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader tookthe rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were severalthousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the peopleof that time.
1. The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated thatwomen were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a familyoriented culture.
2. The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probablyused the donkey to till the fields.
3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how tomake tools.
4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised byalso reaping from the sea.
5. The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religiousgroup of people.
A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of thespeaker. When acknowledged he said………….I’m sorry to blow yourconclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we readfrom right to left. That way it reads……… “Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that woman!!
Rogue-
Continued On Page 3
January 3, 2002, Part 1
By Bandit |
First, some background. Belgium kicked off its history in the 13th century with cargo ships rolling across the English Channel to England. It rapidly became the heart of cargo shipping between Europe and England and vice versa. Between Brugge, Gent and Antwerp, all cities on the coast of Belgium, they had it made. But, between religious wars, the French Revolution and any other numerous catastrophes, they survived to have one helluva friendly country. If you open a map on any cobblestone street corner, a resident will step up and offer guidance.
The basis of the name of this city is wrapped around a biker of sorts. Seems there was a giant who stopped every ship that entered Antwerp along the Schelde River and demanded a toll before they could enter the port. If he wasn?t paid post haste, he hacked off one of the captain?s hands and threw it out to sea. OK, so one day this little Belgian tyke named Barbo comes along, lops off the giant?s hand and throws it to sea, putting an end to his carnage. Hence, Antwerp was named after hand throwing, which is called handwerpen.
So we arrived through another river leading in from the North Sea in blistering cold weather. Every day we have a cab take us to the train station where the Russian mafia runs diamond and jewelry shops behind a roll-up tin front. Antwerp is known for its diamond trade, with stones shipped in from South Africa. The section of town dedicated to the diamond trade is in no way connected with the mob?s hangout next to the train depot.
There are also a couple of other distinctions that need mentioning. One is the cathedrals, which are unbelievable. The ornate workmanship in churches dating back to the 1300s is beyond belief. I spent some time in a humble church as a kid before I joined the union of outlaws and never returned. But you can see why people escaped England and Europe to find religious freedom and deeper understanding. Religions controlled all that went on, all the jewels and wealth, and wielded tremendous power over the population. You can see it in every gold ornament in these churches. It?s almost frightening. The other aspect of Antwerp that?s wild is the shopping. This is a town full of narrow, winding streets with buildings that were built yesterday or nearly 1,000 years ago, side by side.
This is a woman?s paradise. There are shops everywhere, high-class joints, flea markets in parks, fish markets alongside the river, department stores, franchise Levi’s joints, and fashion, fashion and more fashion. There?s even a bird market on Theater Square on the weekends. So you would have thought that there would be thousands of knockout broads walking the streets in the latest slinky item. Hell, you couldn?t tell, they were all covered from their slinky ankles to their kissable chins with furry shit to keep them warm.
We better get to the news before I launch into the New Year’s party and the criminal element attacking the ship:
JESSE CROSSES THE LINE
Here?s a quote and news about the once- outlaw custom bike builder: ?HAPPY NEW YEAR, GOD DAMNIT!….I WENT BY YOUR PLACE YESTERDAY ON MY COPROADKING AND HIT THE SIREN! YOU HEAR IT?….JESSE JAMES.
As it turned out, there were three women in the headquarters that night trying to get high and have an orgy. Jesse?s siren scared them into thinking cops were about to invade the headquarters and ruined their night of play. Now here?s more news on West Coast Choppers:
While in Hamburg, Germany, I stumbled on a Harley boutique and two doors down was a West Coast Chopper with Jesse?s signature painted on the window. Could it be the real deal?
Jesse has become a regular on the Discovery Channel. Here?s the latest–Don’t make da Vanilla Gorilla put da Chrome to your dome! CHECK THEDISCOVERY CHANNEL JAN. 13 FOR “MOTORCYCLE MANIA 2″ & COMING SOON”MONSTER GARAGE!” SERIES ON DISCOVERY, SPRING 2002
DOWNED HAMSTER LIVES–There are special brothers in our lives and one in my life went down recently. He?s an attorney, but he?s a helluva hard riding sonuvabitch and a man who is full of wit and love for his brothers. He will always help others if given the chance. He?s one of my favorite Hamsters and a special man in every aspect of his life. Here?s a note from Hamster headquarters:
DOMINICK JUST CALLED ME. HE IS HOME FROM THEHOSPITAL AS OF TODAY AND GETTING ADJUSTED. HE JUSTWANTED ME TO TELL EVERYONE THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHINGAND GIVE HIM A FEW DAYS AT HOME TO FIGURE EVERYTHINGOUT AS FAR AS REHAB AND NURSES COMING IN AND OUT INCASE ANY ONE WANTS TO GIVE HIM A CALL.
THANKS EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!
Continued On Page 2
December 27, 2001
By Bandit |
We women here at the Bikernet headquarters are still recuperating from Christmas, birthdays and all that other shit. You get a short News this week cause we don?t feel like working. We ran out of the mixings for White Russians so we’ve been drinking all the Jack and bad wine Bandit had lying around. We all have headaches and feel like shit. Now, if some of our readers like Old Hound Dog or that Forrest Pervert-something would be good enough to send us some Absolut vodka and Kaluha, maybe next week we?ll feel like putting together a better news for you.
Sin
And Now Some Dribble From Bandit!
Ah Christmas, a time of families and tenderness. Ah bullshit, it’s a time of lean budgets, kids with non-stop dreams of presents to the moon, Christmas lists that are too long and bank accounts too short. I escaped the treachery of Christmas, almost. I hope the rest of you survived.
You have stumbled into the Bikernet Twilight Zone. Just when you think you’ve come across one of the hottest bike sites on the Web, you discover that one of the bastards behind this mess is on a tramp freighter out of Houston ultimately bound for Houston some months later, and you’re forced to hear about it a couple of times a week. Merry Christmas.
So let me tell you about my Christmas Eve and Christmas on the MS Leon, a 20-some year old rusting hulk being stormed with cranes, stevedores, fork lifts and agents while it’s snowing or raining on the rusting decks in below-freezing weather. The design was that we would be in port for two and a half days, load this bastard with 8,000 tons of crap (22,000 ton capacity) and be on our way out the Elbe River by Christmas Eve. Not so, Kimosabe. We discovered rapidly that management and the union contracts are from different planets. What management plans rarely happens. On the other hand, while management and supercargo agents sit on the ship, sip espresso and eat cookies while expressing their dismay at the efficiency of the teams on the dock, there are 50 men standing in the freezing cold as the wind is blowing snow at 30 knots across the main deck of the ship. If they had ice skates, they could be practicing loops on the frozen concrete dock.
On Christmas Eve it was explained to us that since many of the longshoremen extend their days off with vacation time, the teams were dwindling. Instead of being able to work around the clock, the units could only work until 10 p.m. and started at 6 a.m. The tapering crew would knock off at 2 p.m. on Christmas Eve and wouldn’t be back until the day after Christmas. We were shut down. What was designed to be a 2.5-day in a costly port became six days. The supercargo agent also informed me that every time cargo is shifted it costs $250. It costs $150 to load a piece of cargo, but once it’s loaded, if it needs to be unloaded, moved and loaded again, that’s another quarter of a C-note. He said that much of the cargo would be removed again in Antwerp, Belgium, then replaced, and the process would be repeated in Genoa, Italy, and perhaps once more in Jakarta. I asked him how the damn company makes a profit and he threw his hands up in the air in mockery. He had no idea.
As he explained the business side of shipping, Clement, our hardworking steward, set the table for a Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve. The captain, officers and crew were requested to come into the officers’ mess and have dinner, which was an assortment of many things, including whole fish and turkey. The captain explained that the real feast would start at noon on Christmas and would continue until midnight with drink and food available all day. I noticed that many of the Filipino crew were uncomfortable eating with the officers and escaped as quickly as possible to the crews’ lounge and a wild karaoke festival.
We better get to the news:
Happy Freakin’ Birthday Digital!—
The paint for the rigid showed up today, just in time for the old man to check one more year off on the hitchin’ post on the 29th. Here’s a sneak peek at Jon’s artwork on tank. Suppose now I’m going to have to get off my ass and actually finish this beast.
-Digital
Bikernet Caribbean Report—
Christmas is over, the New Year is lurking around the corner and we arestill here, week after week. Santa behaved and got me a Playstation 2 formy truck. Now those long trips to Sturgis will be more entertaining, with gamesand DVDs on a small screen. Technology, go figure. Maybenow our road trip partners will manage to stay awake during the trek.The WCC No. 2 started yesterday (yep, we worked Christmas day) and willbe on the road before 2002. A full shoot will be coming up in followingweeks as well as an article in The Horse. By the way, it stopped raining,at last! Although seems there?s some more weather on the way. As you allmight know, Bandit is on terra firma at last, somewhere in Europe. Good forthe USS Rustbucket, which made it all the way. I’m guessing he is heading forthe Southern Seas. That’s like being on the moon, and the Atlantic tripwill seem like a cruise in the bay compared to the 40s and 50s. Maybe hewill not suffer the Southern after all. If he?s cruising the Med, he willhave a ball (no pun intended) when he crosses the equator, if the Rust boatfollows tradition, that is.
There’s no news this week, just this short note, and a well-meantwish for the new year.This year has been a tough one for many people all over the planet, andstuff has happened that we only see in movies.Retail has been at its worst in 10 years and young people arekilling and dying in various parts of the world.We will miss the two huge buildings in Manhattan and mourn the people whodied in them. Our world (and I mean our everyday living) has changedforever, although we will learn to accommodate those changes. All we can dois look and await this new year with hope, and know things will alwaysget better. We at Caribbean Custom Cycles and me personally wish everyoneat Bikernet and our readers the best NEW YEAR 2002, and that yourresolutions last longer than a week this time.
Take care and again happy New Year!
Jose. Caribbean Bikernet Report
Jose@ChopperFreak.com.
Woodpeckers
A Mississippi woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Mississippi arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck.
The Mississippi woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mississippi woodpecker was in awe.
The Texas woodpecker then challenged the Mississippi woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker had been able to peck successfully. The Mississippi woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
After flying to Texas, the Mississippi woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Mississippi tree and the Mississippi woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion:
Your pecker is always harder when you’re away from home.
Bandit, May you, Layla and staff, and all the bikers around the world have a blessed Mele Kalikimaka and a prosperous and healthy Haouli Makahiki Hou. May 2002 be your best riding year yet. Happy Harley Days, Dick Bondano P.S. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice, “Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away.” Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know.” The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, “Oh Santa, don’t run a mile; just stay for a while…” Santa begins to sweat butreplies, “HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.” The girl takes off her bra and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay.” Santa wipes his brow but replies, “HO HO HO, gotta go, gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.” She loses the panties and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay….” Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, “HEY HEY HEY, gotta stay, gotta stay, can’t get up the chimney with my pecker this way!” If you didn?t get what you wanted for Christmas, it?s because of a woman. That’s it; now back to the German front. Christmas morning we awoke and had a small breakfast as the chef and his crew were working on preparations for the noon Christmas feast. At noon the captain was successful in getting the entire crew around one long table. All the food was displayed buffet style with two turkeys a full pig, vegetables, lots of buttery rice, pasta salad, two types of gravy and two brands of whiskey. The pig was a biker’s run-feast cooked to perfection and the drinking got under way with whiskey, gin, wine and beer and some of the crew had all four. At dinner I returned for some chow and to take score of the survivors and party animals. Since we were requested to mix the seating in a brotherly fashion, I was the only Anglo to sit with the Filipino crew at one end of the table. I spent a great deal of my Vietnam military service in the Philippines and learned to love and respect the people on those paradise islands for their kindness and pleasantness, but as I sat at the end of the table the mood changed. It reminded me of so many experiences in the past from losing a crew member on the heavy cruiser I was stationed on to the meeting of men after a gang battle or to the meeting of a family after a member has been in a motorcycle accident. Suddenly the end of the table became quiet. Two members of the crew got up in unison and disappeared up the inside stairwell. None of the crew would look at me, not out of disrespect, but out of concern for what had occurred. I was not a part of the serious nature of what took place. The concern was deep and fearful and only shared amongst the family of men who were involved. It seems that one of the men partied too hard and drank too much. He was the one who smiled the most and sang with the best until the torment of the whiskey bottle took over and he became mad and tried to take his fury out on another member of the crew. The man inside his cabin was dismantling his bicycle for the next leg of the journey and was holding a leg of pipe as the madman stormed his quarters. He lashed out and split the angry man’s hand. I had no idea of what happened as I sat amongst the serious crew, but I had been in the midst of life and death battles and recognized the concern in men’s features, the fear in bowed faces and edgy gestures like nail biting andr nervous twitches. They spoke to one another in only Filipino except to use a term that wasn’t in their dictionary from time to time, such as: Self defense and star witness. A crewmember called to the captain finally and the captain did his duty and had the man hospitalized. His hand required surgery. He was paid and his bags were packed and delivered to the hospital. He would return to the Philippines once operated on. On the day after Christmas it was too miserable to go outside yet the ship was in full loading swing with two cranes working furiously to load crane motors, containers and crates the size of motor homes. Hatches were clanging, containers slapped against one another as the snow blew over the bow. The rumor was that the ship would depart by 8 p.m., but at 5:30 we were told that loading would take one more hour, then an hour of lashing and one more hour to get a harbor pilot on board and have the crew ready the ship to depart. That schedule was pushed an additional hour until it was nearly midnight before we pulled away from the docks and began the 100-kilometer trip out the Elbe river to the coast of Germany, where we would turn port and head west along the coast to Antwerp, Belgium, which might be a degree or two warmer but swamped in the same drizzling rain and snow as Hamburg. In studying a Hamburg weather chart, I found that the city faces 10 to 13 days of rain during every month of the year. Of course our visit took place during the 13-day season with an estimated one hour of sun daily during December. The temps average between zip and 4 degrees celsius. Not exactly a tropical paradise but a helluva beautiful city. Euro Dollars are going into effect the first of the year an it’s difficult to exchange money because they’re into the transition. The people of each country will have up to a year to use up their existing cash. A few countries like England, which is in financial hard times, isn’t changing just yet, but I would think it would benefit them to change as soon as possible. I’m sure opinions on that matter vary substantially. There you have it, Christmas on the battle-worn, rusting Leon heading for a New Year’s celebration in Belgium. My next report will be in the Sunday Post in the Cantina the day before New Year’s Eve. We plan to be in Antwerp until the 4th of January. Let’s see what kind of trouble I can get in there. Finally, I’ll report that tonight while in the NorthSea I will finish my 16th chapter of my second Chance Hogan book. It’s called “Tides” and is based on this worldwide adventure. If I can get the staff to go for it, we will post all of the chapters in the Cantina for new members and members who rejoin for the new year. May your holidays be safe, secure and packed full of warm sex. Ride Forever, Bandit.
A beautiful innocent young lady wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on arobe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down thechimney and begins filling the socks. 
December 20, 2001 Part 3
By Bandit |
Continued From Page 2
Like I said bikers dig an adventure, like Dave Barr, the ex-mercenary/double amputee who has ridden all over the goddamn world on various Harleys and written a couple of books. Since he’s already done that with a lot of class, I had to do something different. It’s a week from Christmas and I’ve been on board for three weeks.
We are now a few hours from the English Channel and will be most happy to see it. It’s been a rough crossing on several accounts. For a few days no one could take showers because it would have been tantamount to jumping in a blender and turning it on high. We were riding the edge of a storm.
It’s calm now, but there’s one aspect of this adventure that’s really interesting. It’s a learning experience daily. I’ve now been through a jammed course on the Gulf Stream and how it affects the weather in Europe. If it weren’t for this super highway of warm water slicing from the tropics into the Atlantic, most of Europe would be as frozen as Canada. It also causes tremendous storms in this region because the warm water brings the lows and the cold above it sends down the high-pressure, clockwise storms stirring up nasty winds.
After we survived the storms we were running almost due east. Generally the wind runs at a high force east and northeast, crashing into the highs. But for two days we’ve been running smack dab into a westerly wind driving directly at us. OK, you say, what’s the big deal? On the positive side, we haven’t rolled for two days, but we’re like a bike going up a hill over speed bumps. We’re pitching like crazy, which is livable, but it causes the single screw to jump out of the water, or since the ship is not carrying cargo, the screw is bouncing to the surface and spins free. When it happens, this motherfucker shakes like a rigid on a washboard dirt road. When the screw hits the water ahead, the sonuvabitch jumps and jerks like a tire finally grabbing the pavement. The result of the jump and grind in the middle of the ocean is that the captain must make a decision. He can pour the coals to this baby and tear it from stem to stern or back off until the bulkheads don’t shake. No problem, right? When you’re talking about a ship that does 20 knots max (about 23 mph), if you knock that back to 13 knots, you’re adding hours, maybe days to the crossing. When you’re a horny sonuvabitch like me, that’s fuckin’ devastating news.
One final note and one additional aspect to the adventure is that we don’t know where the fuck the ship’s gonna go until we load the sucker in Hamburg, the home port, and even then the schedule changes constantly. We were originally told that we would be docked at home base for seven days and many of the officers alerted their families in Poland to meet them on the coast for Christmas. Then the itinerary was changed to four to five days, but yesterday we were told that we would only have a couple of days in port. Then it’s on to Antwerp for a few more. Then we’re wailing to who knows where.
Ah, but rest assured that all is well. We had a fire drill the other day and from the bridge deck the Filipino crew pulled out the hose and ran it across the deck with the nozzle in hand. It took a good 10 minutes for the forward pump to spring forth with the much- needed salt aqua, and as soon as the hose filled to capacity it split down the middle. Finally the hose was changed. We waited another 10 minutes for the water to reach the nozzle and it sprung forth with so little pressure it would have had a problem extinguishing a match at 15 feet.
Hey, no problem. My challenge is to find Harleys and women in Hamburg. We’re now nine hours time difference from L.A. so calls are a treat. That’s my excuse and report for this week. I’m also running another one in the Cantina Sunday Post. I’ll be reporting from Hamburg on Sunday. This is making for an interesting Christmas. Reports from the front are that the Bikernet crew put up a Christmas tree in the headquarters last night and the Bikernet mad feline, Lucky, attacked it this morning.
OK, goddamnit, go for a ride and have a cold one on me.
Merry, merry Bandit.
December 20, 2001 Part 2
By Bandit |
Continued From Page 1
Big Bore Report –
Part 1 –
Put about 550 miles on the new Dyna and it was slow. So… This week wetook it all apart, attached is a picture. We are in the process ofinstalling: 6200 RPM ignition box and new coil, 44 millimeter SE CV carb,211 cams, 1550 big bore cylinders, 10.5:1 compression ratio dome top bigborepistons, High Torque Compression Chamber (HTCC) high performance heads, SEroller rockers and a few other little do dads to make her just a tiny bitfaster. The little 88 inch is now a mere 95 inch motor so it should have a couplemore horses. 🙂 She should be back together by this weekend and aftertheshort break in I will let you know what the Dyno specs end up being. I ampushing for 100HP and 110 foot pounds of torque.
Cheers, – Kyle
Part 2 –
The project is nearly done. Motor is all built and I ran it on the Dynotoday and came up with some pretty impressive figures. Attached is a copyofthe Dyno run. There is a serious dip in the torque and horse power in the2,500 to 3,500 range but I hope to fix that by changing my exhaust to aThunderHeader. 🙂
Cheers, – Kyle
DISCRIMINATION OR BIKERS RIGHTS?
I recently came across an article writtenby Dale McFeatters of Scripps-HowardNews Service. In a column he wrote, he blasts bikers in general and doesn’tsee why we or anyone else would want anti-discrimination laws to protecteveryone regardless of religion, lifestyle or mode of transport, or anyotherthing such as race, creed or national origin. The Sack has spacelimitations or I would reprint his entire article so I could give him FULLcredit for being a biased fool who thinks his own rights are the only ones.
He’s upset, for some reason, because bikers in many states have fought inthelegislature for biker anti-discrimination laws. Some in fact did so viatheir state Confederation of Clubs. So this guy says all we want is to beestablished as a separate class of people. He dislikes the wealthy ridersbecause he thinks they want people to think they’re in “BIKER GANGS” whenthey ride their Harleys, but that they don’t want to be treated like “gang”members. HOGWASH! I’d bet my last dollar this fool has never been on abike, let alone been anywhere near a “BIKER GANG.” And guess what? NOBODYwants to be treated badly, biker or not. It’s all ridiculous to me, havingonly something over 50 years riding, and still to come across someonesupposedly intelligent even using the term “BIKER GANG.” Maybe I’ve missedsomething or he knows a hell of a lot more about scooter people than I do.
He also complains about one particular 300-pound biker called “Vermin.” Wellfolks, I weigh something near 240, they call me “Gunny,” and I’m not toopretty either. I still don’t like it when I ride up to a restaurant on mybike, especially when my wife is with me, and we don’t get service because”The Hells Angels” just arrived. Hollywood and some magazines have done anumber on us (AND on the Hells Angels), and we aren’t supposed to be upset?Sarcastically, he says next we’ll need laws to protect SUV owners. I’ll bethe doesn’t drive one or I guarantee he’d be bellyaching about that.
There have been several attempts in different states to modify existingdiscrimination laws. Minnesota so far is the only one that has beensuccessful. The law there protects all people, not just bikers, and itmakesit illegal to discriminate in public accommodations based on motorcycle modeof travel or attire.
What we all want is equal treatment according to the laws of the land.Don’tprofile us because we ride motorcycles and wear leather for protection fromstupid drivers such as Mr. McFeatters may be. There fool, I profiled YOUbecause of your audacity in writing such drivel.
Here’s another small example of this man’s intelligence when it comes toclubhouses. This TURKEY really did his homework: “They have their ownplaces, windowless, concrete-block establishments on the outskirts of townwhere the bar stools are bolted to the floor and the beer is served inplastic cups because of repeated unfortunate incidents with glass bottles.”If he didn’t have such an attitude, I’d bring him to one of those clubhousesfor an education. He also is angry because a Vespa rider is suing becausehewasn’t served somewhere.
By the way, Vespa riders are welcome in my house anytime. Their knees areinthe wind too. I don’t care what you ride as long as you ride. If you arediscriminated against I want to know about it. I don’t care if you ride aDOODLE-BUG. Uh-oh. I guess that remark dates me. Any doodlebug riders outthere, e-mail me, would ya? E-mail me at AIMGunny@aol.com – tell me yourdoodlebug story. I’ll print some of them!
But back to this clown McFeatters: Most all bikers I know are educated, owntheir homes, have raised LAW-abiding children, have kids in college, andlikely earn as much or more than Mr. McFeatters. That includes those folkshe calls “GANGS.” Some of us even have more than one place to live. DON’Tprofile us unless you know what you’re talking about.
And by the way, Mr. McFeatters, the cost of our rides has nothing to dowithnot being served or not being able to get lodging after riding all day andhalf the night because of DISCRIMINATION. We want ALL people protected fromred-neck idiots who think this world is made for them alone. If YOU thinkYOU were discriminated against because YOU ride, you should contact yourlocal AIM (Aid to Injured Motorcyclists) Attorney by calling our nationalnumber, (800) ON-A-BIKE, or look it up at www.ON-A-BIKE.com. AIM Attorneyshandle more than just accidents. ??Nuff said.
Bikernet Caribbean Report
I just got in from the shop. It’s 3 a.m. and we are still on amad rush to finish WCC No. 2 before Christmas and some other bikes we have atthe shop with minor mods. The two EXP’s are done and in the showroom, aswell as an FXR. The Sportster is in the paint booth and time is runningout. Man, I can’t even find time to go buy presents for my family, but whatthe hell, I can’t complain.
I can’t remember what I promised last week but here’s a photo of WCC No. 2 with the sheet metal (almost) in place.
We were trying to make a card for our readers at Bikernet, but again, timewasn’t in our favor. Maybe we will manage a belated one. I’m guessing Bandit should be in Europe by now, if USS Rust Bucket is stillfloating. It’s an incredible feeling when you see land after a couple weeksat sea. I know, been there done that. At least he was doing 15 knots. We cruised at 8 tops. The only down side is that you get used to being at seaand civilization seems weird after a while, more so in a sail boat whereeverything is quiet.
Last but not least, we at Caribbean Custom Cycles want towish all our readers, the crew at Bikernet headquarters and everyone else avery Merry Christmas, peace, health and a new chopper under the tree.Now we go to the news.
Yep, it’s still raining. Most bike activities have been dampened by it, atleast it’s cooler (75-80 degrees) and everything is very green.
Today we received a call from our connection in the Dominican Republic. It seemslike the 240-250 tire fever has hit the shores of this island. More so, thefirst V-Rod was sold there at the ridiculous amount of $32,000.I’m guessing some people will buy anything at any price as long as the”factory” name is on it. Go figure!
The Toy Run took place Sunday. It had been raining since Saturdaymorning, and it seemed like people decided to stay home (smart thing todo). But still, there were about 200 people in attendance (big drop though,crowds have been in the thousands in past events).I can’t remember aToy Run where we did not get soaking wet.
We heard that our only competitor, Mansos Motorcycle, has opened a new shop.People tell me it’s around 7,000 square feet and very well stocked. I’mglad for them. What’s good for motorcycling is good for all.
We just received some cool shirts from The Horse, designed by Kozik. They havean iron cross with the U.S. flag and above says Infidel. The front has theHorse’s logo (I’m guessing that’s Kozik’s message to Osama yo’mama). CallThe Horse if interested.
Speaking of The Horse, the January issue is out and has some cool bikes, hot babesand Billy Lane’s hubless tire. Get it at your local chopper shop.
Time to go get that needed rest. The shopping rush will start prettysoon and longer days and nights will follow. I guess we won’t bereporting next week, or maybe yes, since it’s the day after Christmas. Weare also working on the Web site and we have a new e-mail address. It isJose@ChopperFreak.com, please feel free to use it. Once more, MerryChristmas to all and have a good night, I know I will. And like every week,to the Weasels…… We wish you twice what you might wish for us.
Jose Caribbean Bikernet chopped out agent.
THE ORIGIN OF MAN’S SEX LIFE
It seems that when the Lord was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified. “Only 20 years of normal sex life?” But the Lord was very adamant, that was all man could have.
Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years. “But I don’t need 20 years,” he protested, “10 is plenty for me.” Man spoke up eagerly, “Can I have the other 10?” The monkey graciously agreed.
Then the Lord called the lion and gave him 20 years, and the lion, like the monkey wanted only 10. Again, the man spoke up, “Can I have the other 10?” The lion said that of course he could.
Then came the donkey and he was given 20 years. But like the others, 10 was sufficient, and again man pleaded, “Can I have the other 10?” The donkey said that yes, he could.
This explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life, plus 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it, and 10 years of making an ass of himself.
Love,
Puss-in-Boots
Bikernet Joke
An elderly married couple scheduled their annualmedical examination on the same day so they could traveltogether. After the examination, the doctor then said to theelderly man: “You appear to be in good health. Do you haveany medical concerns you would like to ask me?” “In fact, I do,” saidtheold man. “After I have sex with my wife,the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after Ihave sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.” Afterexamining the elderly lady, the doctor said, “Everythingappears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that youwould like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had noquestions or concerns. The doctor then asked: “Your husband had anunusualconcern.
He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex thefirst time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time.Do you know why?” “Oh that crazy old son-of-a-bitch!” she replied.”That’s becausethe first time is usually around July and the second time is usuallyin December!”
On To Page 3
December 20, 2001 Part 1
By Bandit |
This vessel is capable of carrying four to six passengers and has a crew of about 25. We’re not sure. We lost one yesterday. There’s a half dozen Polish officers and the rest are Filipino crew who are cool, sing karaoke every evening in their lounge and party like crazy.The name of the ship is Leon. In the past it was a Mexican cargo ship, which accounts for its condition, perhaps. It was once the Nacional Vitoria, Sonora and the Gina Luisa. Rickmers Shipping in Hamburg bought four ships from the Hispanic shipping company and changed the names of three. Our sister ship is still the BiBi from south of the border times. We better get to the news before I get chewed out, then I’ll report from the coast of France:
FORBES MAGAZINE NAMES HARLEY-DAVIDSON AS COMPANY OF THE YEAR
Performance, passion and outlook cited in story?? ????
?? MILWAUKEE — (December 20, 2001) Harley-Davidson Motor Company has been named Company of the Year by FORBES Magazine, one the world?s leading business publications. The honor and accompanying article entitled ?Love Into Money? appears in the January 7, 2002 edition of FORBES and on the magazine?s Web site at www.forbes.com. ??????
Key factors cited for the FORBES Company of the Year award include Harley-Davidson?s record sales growth and earnings, along with strong overall financial performance. In addition, the article notes the Company?s long and storied history as well as the devotion of its enthusiasts as deciding factors. ?Harley-Davidson stirs passion in its riders, its dealers and its employees and translates that passion into profit,? the article states. ??????
The article also focuses on Harley-Davidson?s new V-Rod motorcycle and its development, the Buell line of motorcycles, the Rider?s Edge New Rider Course, and the Company?s history and technological advancement. ?????
? Harley-Davidson, Inc. is the parent company for Harley-Davidson Motor Company, Buell Motorcycle Company and Harley-Davidson Financial Services, Inc. Harley-Davidson Motor Company, the only major U.S.-based motorcycle manufacturer, produces heavyweight motorcycles and offers a complete line of motorcycle parts, accessories, apparel, and general merchandise. Buell Motorcycle Company produces sport and sport-touring motorcycles. Harley-Davidson Financial Services, Inc. provides wholesale and retail financing, insurance and credit card programs to Harley-Davidson dealers and customers.
Big Dog Gets New LookAnd Enhanced Interactivity
Big Dog Motorcycles? award-winning interactive Web site has a new look. The updated site features the complete 2002 line of motorcycles, enhanced multimedia features, an exhaustive list of specifications and a new store front for online apparel and accessory ordering.
Offering more interactivity than ever, Big Dog Motorcycles developed the Flash 5.0-enabled ?Build a Bike? section. This unique feature allows customers to paint and accessorize the bike of their choice by clicking and dragging multiple options provided by the Web site. This feature allows surfers to fully customize a Big Dog with the touch of a mouse. Big Dog has also expanded the ever-popular Big Dog of the month with more pictures and a monthly calendar featuring upcoming events and rallies.
?The Web site continues to be a great resource for our company and people wanting to learn more about our company and our products. It is an excellent way to market Big Dog in a way that is informative and allows people to see what we have to offer,? said the president of Big Dog Motorcycles, Nick Messer.
The Web site offers customers available inventory through the site and allows users to locate their local dealer through a constantly updated dealer listing. As before, Big Dog has made available the 2002 owner?s manual available online. The Web site averages over 85,000 hits per day with an average visit of 8.3 minutes per visit. Big Dog Motorcycles L.L.C. manufactures a line of heavyweight cruisers centered around a 107-cubic-inch V-Twin engine. The company sells motorcycles across the United States through a growing number of authorized dealers. Big Dog’s entire line of motorcycles can be seen at www.bigdogmotorcycles.com.
A Bikernet Christmas Wish
I want to wish all at Bikernet a Merry Christmas.
My plans for Christmas are as follows:
1.When those reindeer land, let’s just say there should be enough venison to hold me for several weeks.
2. Hold Santa hostage for ransom.
3.If that don’t work and if I end up in jail I still get a warm bed and food.
Just kidding about Santa.
( however I am having venison for Christmas.)
Happy Holidays
Don
Salt Lake City
Potentially and Realistically
A young boy went up to his father and asked, “What is the difference between potentially and realistically?” The father answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Denzel Washington for a million dollars. Then go ask yoursister if she would sleep with Sean Puffy Combs for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned.”
So the boy went to his mother and said, “Would you sleep with Denzel Washington for a million dollars?” The mother replied, “Of course I would! I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity like that.” Then the boy went to his sister and said, “Would you sleep with Puffy for a million dollars?” His sister replied, “Oh my God! I’d be nuts to pass that up!” The boy then thought about it for two or three daysand went back to his dad. The father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?” The boy replied, “Yes, potentially we’re sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we’re living with two hoes.”
Louie DelReal
THE HORSE Backstreeet Choppers is pleased to announce The 2002 Smoke Outwill be at the Lowe’s Motor Speedway in Charlotte, N.C. The dates are July26-28.
The Smoke Out has been extended to three days and will include all kinds ofnew events. We, of course, will have bike shows, bands and beer but we alsoare also planning to build a chopper on-site during the event (more tofollow). We hope to have track rentals of Legends cars, a biker art show,many venders and some secret events we are not ready to disclose. Themagazine has rented a large portion of the infield of a NASCAR track for theevent this year. This includes a huge, 34-bay garage so a number of theevents can be indoors.
The AMA Grand National – AMA Progressive Flat Track Motorcycle Race (DirtTrack) will also be within walking distance on the property and will be heldSaturday afternoon.
Many suggested we should try to have the event where people could camp on the premises, similar to a European Super Rally type event. So we have also rented a large camping area.
We will have a lot more details in the months to follow but for now we justwant to get the location and dates out there. Hope you can make it.
New Government Emblem
The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a>condom>because it more clearly reflects the government’s political stance:>A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next>generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of>security while it’s actually screwing you.
Who Said That?
It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of aJapanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said”Give me liberty or give me death?”
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.”Patrick Henry, 1775,” he said.
“Very good! Who said “Government of the people, by the people, for thepeople, shall not perish from the earth.”?
Again, no response except from Suzuki: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863,” saidSuzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki,whois new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Japs.”
“Who said that?” she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982.”
At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”
The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”
Again, Suzuki says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,”Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.”
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit. If you sayanything else, I’ll kill you.”
Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to ChandraLevy 2001.”The teacher fainted.
THE STORY OF MAN… ANY MAN
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I wouldhave a girlfriend.When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but therewas no passion. So, I decided I needed apassionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but shewas too emotional. Everything was anemergency; she was a drama queen, criedall the time and threatened suicide. So, Idecided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 28, I found a very stable girl butshe was boring. She was totally predictableand never got excited about anything. Lifebecame so dull that I decided that I neededa girl with some excitement.
When I was 35, I found an exciting girl, but Icouldn’t keep up with her. She rushed fromone thing to another, never settling onanything. She did mad impetuous thingsand made me miserable as often as happy.She was great fun initially and very energetic,but directionless. So, I decided to find a girlwith some real ambition.
When I turned 42, I found a smart ambitiousgirl with her feet planted firmly on the groundand married her. She was so ambitious thatshe divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now 55 and am looking for a girl withreally big tits.
On To Page 2
December 15, 2001
By Bandit |
NCOM COAST TO COAST BIKER NEWSCompiled and Edited by BILL BISH,NATIONAL COALITION OF MOTORCYCLISTS
BIKERS WANT EQUAL RIGHTS
Bikers across the nation are revving up for a fight against discrimination after complaints that they’re being shut out of restaurants and hotels because of their image as hell-raising thugs. Motorcyclists say the image of leather-clad bikers who rumble into town on their Harley-Davidsons and raise a ruckus is sadly outdated. The Associated Press (AP)
Proponents say the law is aimed at thwarting a tired stereotype, that of the marauding outlaw biker. The truth, they say, is a plainer picture of regular folks who enjoy riding, belonging to motorcycle clubs and wearing the colors of their groups, generally stitched on some form of black leather garment. The New York Times
America’s next official victim group may be roaring your way on their Harley-Davidsons. Bikers are sick and tired of rampant anti biker bigotry, so they are seeking status as a legally protected class in Ohio, Georgia, South Carolina, and several other states. The idea is to end all the ridicule, the tattoo phobia, the tendency among apprehensive roadhouse owners to seat them at remote tables. To me, it’s kind of like the back of the bus,’ said a Harley-riding Georgia state senator.- U.S. News & World Report
What’s all the buzz about? Equal Access legislation has been introduced in at least 19 states over the past few years, with Minnesota passing such a law three years ago, but recent bills in Ohio, South Carolina and Georgia have captured the media’s interest as bikers seek to outlaw discrimination against motorcycle riders.
We are talking about people being excluded from apartment houses, motels, restaurants and nightclubs just because they are wearing biker attire, said Ralph Buss, Aid to Injured Motorcyclists (AIM) attorney for Ohio, who initiated the first biker anti-discrimination bill in the country in 1994 when a client was denied service at a restaurant.
Ohio State Representative Sylvester Patton introduced HB 238 to prohibit the denial of access to public accommodations to persons because they ride motorcycles or wear motorcycle attire.
For too long, citizens who enjoy riding motorcycles and who are participating in motorcycle clubs have been treated unfairly while trying to gain access or entry into establishments open to the general public, Patton testified at the bill’s hearing.
Last year, Texas bikers succeeded in getting an Equal Access bill through the state legislature nearly unanimously, only to have it vetoed at the last minute by their governor. Illinois passed a Bikers-Rights bill through their legislature earlier this year, but the governor amended the bill through special amendatory veto powers to include controversial gay rights provisions, effectively killing the bill.
OHIO GANG LAW STRUCK DOWN IN COURT
As originally feared by many bikers rights advocates, so-called Gang Laws aimed at youth street gangs have been targeting members of motorcycle clubs and using the new state laws to tack on years to prison sentences simply because an individual was a member of a club. For that reason, Confederations of Clubs in states with gang laws on the books have fought hard to get motorcyclists specifically exempted from the definition of a criminal gang.
Kentucky succeeded in doing just that two years ago, and while the legislative work continues in other states, a lower court in Ohio has found that state’s gang law unconstitutionally broad and has struck down the law, though concerned bikers still await a final determination by the state’s higher courts.
According to the Cincinnati Post, a Hamilton County judge declared Ohio’s new gang law unconstitutional, saying it is so poorly written it could result in gang members being penalized more severely for crimes even if they aren’t gang related.
A participant in a gang, as the statute is written, is conclusively held to be promoting gang interests even when he obviously is not doing so. The enhanced crime becomes one of status of the defendant, not of the wrongdoing, judge Thomas Crush wrote in declaring the gang law unconstitutional.
The decision came after five men were indicted for participating in a criminal gang a second-degree felony that carries a maximum sentence of eight years in prison in the first Hamilton County case under the new law.
The men were accused of being members of the Folk street gang and participating in criminal gang activity. Crush’s ruling dismissed the gang-related charges against one of the men.
The Ohio statute, as written, creates a crime and allows a penalty for activities that have not even occurred; i.e. creates a gang crime and an enhanced gang penalty for crimes which are unrelated to gang activity, Crush wrote. He noted that someone arrested under the statute as it now exists could also be charged with participating in a criminal gang even if the crime was committed out of town and didn’t involve the gang.
Ohio’s gang law applies when three or more persons operating in a pattern of criminal activity are linked to two or more felony offenses.
The state has appealed the lower court’s decision.
CITY OF ALBUQUERQUE ADOPTS NOISE ORDINANCE Evidently, the current administration for the city of Albuquerque, New Mexico, has enacted new regulations targeting motorcycle exhaust systems, as well as making it literally illegal to travel in groups.
Due to this legislation, Albuquerque can no longer be considered a biker friendly city, according to Barbara Alvar, Chairperson of the New Mexico Motorcyclists Legislative Impact Committee.
Council Bill #FS 0-34 states that; No person shall operate a motorcycle without (a) a permanent engravature or label entitled Motorcycle Noise Emission Control Information’, and (b) a permanent engravature or label on the muffler or exhaust pipe indicating the following information…, and it goes on to state that the label will indicate the year and model that the exhaust was designed for as well as the decibel rating.
Making matters even worse, it also states that this allowable dB (decibel level) applies to the total sound from a vehicle or a combination of vehicles and shall be construed as limited or precluding the enforcement of any other provision in this article relating to motor vehicle mufflers for noise control. In other words, no combination of motorcycles riding together can exceed the maximum allowable EPA decibel rating of one motorcycle!
With the enactment of this ordinance, Albuquerque has legalized harassment of the motorcycling community, said Alvar. This ordinance will treat law-abiding citizens like criminals. This ordinance gives the law enforcement officer probably cause to stop you, even if you are not exceeding legal noise limits, just to inspect required labeling’ of the exhaust system.
Mayor Jim Baca stated publicly that this noise ordinance targets motorcycles and barking dogs, which indicates the mayor’s negative attitude toward motorcyclists. You can e-mail Mayor Baca at bmoris@cabq.gov and kindly inform him of your opinion, or phone him at (505) 768-3000, or fax (505) 768-3019. Other responsible parties are the Council President Brad Winter, bwinter@cabq.gov; and City Counselors Alan Armijo, aarmijo@cabq.gov; Adele Baca-Hundley, ahundley@cabq.gov; Vincent Griego, vgriego@cabq.gov; Tim Kline, tkline@cabq.gov; Hess Yntema, hyntema@cabq.gov; and Greg Payne, gpayne@cabq.gov.
OREGON BIKERS GET POLITICAL
Another major stride for motorcycle awareness and inclusion was achieved at the Democratic Party of Oregon’s state central meeting on December 9, 2001. Due primarily to the efforts and planning of “Diesel” Dave Ganslein, the Oregon Democratic Motorcyclists Caucus was born.
At today’s State Central Committee meeting, the Democratic Party of Oregon officially recognized the Oregon Democratic Motorcyclists Caucus, reported Ganslein. This gives members of A.B.A.T.E. of Oregon Inc., Bike-PAC of Oregon, and The Concerned Motorcyclists Coalition a seat on the state central committee, thus ensuring motorcyclists a far greater voice in the future of motorcycling in Oregon.
He adds, We strongly urge all motorcyclists to become active in the political system, as our relative degree of success has been attributable to activism at a grass-roots level.
SCHWARZENEGGER HURT IN MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT Just
days after Universal Studios announced their intentions to make Terminator 3, Arnold Schwarzenegger was injured in a motorcycle accident in Santa Monica, California, on December 12, 3001. The former Mr. Universe and star of the first two Terminator movies was taken to the hospital with several broken ribs after the weekend crash. Further details about the accident were not immediately available.
Schwarzenegger, 54, who is negotiating to appear in the third Terminator film,was “in good spirits, feeling sore, but otherwise fine,” said publicist JillEisenstadt.
“Don’t worry,” said the actor. “This won’t affect my skiing with my family at Sun Valley this Christmas.”
WEIRD NEWS OF THE MONTH: FARMER SOUGHT AFTER COW PAT INJURES MOTORCYCLISTS German police are warning farmers that they could be charged with negligence after a cow pie on a road seriously injured two motorcyclists. Officers are looking for the farmer of the cows that left the pie on the carriageway in Kempten. They say he should have cleaned it up. The two motorcyclists skidded on the cow crap and fell off their bike. They are recovering from their injuries in the hospital. Police say the farmer responsible for the offending patty could be charged with physical injury resulting from negligence, reports the German newspaper Bild. The decision to pursue the farmer has been described as ridiculous by farming groups who said it was impossible for a farmer to always walk behind his cows with a shovel. Johannes Schmidt, chairman of the local farmer’s union, said: “It’s a real shame. What are we supposed to do? Do they expect us to run after our herds with a shovel?”
QUOTABLE QUOTES:
“It is the absolute right of the State to supervise the formation of public opinion.”
JOSEPH GOEBBELS
Minister of Propaganda for the Third Reich under Adolf Hitler
NOTE: If you would like to subscribe to the AIM/NCOM Motorcycle E-News Service, simply send a SUBSCRIBE message to aimncom@aimncom.com.
December 14, 2001 Part 3
By Bandit |
Continued From Page 2
Bikernet Joke
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.”
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, “Who is it?”
“Blind man!”
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, “He’s blind, he can’t see. What could it hurt.” They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, “Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”
Subject: New Drug
Police warn all male clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regularsto be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl.There is a date rape drug going around called “beer” and it is generallyin liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators atparties to convince their male victims to have sex with them. Theshocking statistic is that “beer”is available virtuallyanywhere!
All girls have to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of “beer”and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men areliterally rendered helpless against such attacks. After several”beers” men will often succumb to desires to perform sex acts onhorrific looking women who they would never normally be attracted to.
Men often awaken after being given “beer” with only hazy memories ofexactly what has happened to them the night before, just a vague feelingthat something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men might be stung for their life’sworth in a familiar scam know as “a relationship” – apparently men areeasier victims for this scam after the “beer” has been administered andhave already been sexually attacked.
OK, goddamnit, we’re about 40.14 North and 51.32 West heading into the center of the Atlantic. The Newfoundland Island is northwest of us by 150 miles if my cross-eyed guessing is close. It’s strange that the coast is dropping into the 40-degree range and we roll out to sea and face 75-degree temperatures in the Gulf Stream. It’s incredible the change in temperature. When we dipped out of the Gulf Stream last night, the thermometer dropped 10 degrees and another storm struck, driving us into swells the size of homes I wish I was huddled in with Layla. We are taking 6- and 8-degree rolls that scattered cups of coffee around the deck in the officers’ dining room. Everything not tied down was tossed like fruit in a blender. I could swear that at 4 in the morning I could hear dishes crashing four decks below. I was rolling around in my bunk like a hotdog on a barby, but couldn’t decide whether to risk getting out of the sack to lash down gear or pull the covers up to keep me from the bitter cold that was biting my ankles.
The captain tried to explain the Gulf Stream to me and I found it fascinating. If it weren’t for this body of water rushing north out of the tropics and the easterly wind that runs over it constantly, all of England, France and Germany would be a frozen blob like most of Canada. Europe better pray it never changes course.About the site. Last month, Bikernet?s hit counter struck an all-time high of 1.7 million hits. The girls have taken over and will for sure start some feminist/lesbian rally to yank the reigns from my salt water frozen hands. If you’ve been following Vince and Chance or the Chance Hogan series, I’m working on Chapter 15 of that saga, and I’ll finish Chapter 8 of the Chance book based on this trip, better known as “Tides.” I’m still working, I swear, as the Atlantic brine splashes around my ankles. I’m on E deck, five floors above the main deck. The chair I’m sitting in slides up to the desk then back across the room from time to time to gimme a break.
I’m having a helluva time. Hope you’re having a helluva holiday season. I can’t wait to swim into the officers’ lounge this morning to see what happened to the Christmas tree.
Ride forever, and stay warm, goddamnit
Bandit
December 14, 2001 Part 2
By Bandit |
Continued From Page 1
The WCC No. 2 is ready to be put together. We are waiting for the paint todry and some parts are still on back order. If things go as planned, we will have the whole build next week here onBikernet. But wait, there’s more. WCC No. 3 is already in the paint booth,so… stay tuned for next week’s saga.
Not too much news since it’s been raining (again) all over theisland and most of the stuff going on is mere gossip.We are waiting for some sun to do our electronic Christmas cards, and sometime to finish the WCC No. 2 bike, which is going to live in Boston. Oh well guys,till next week…….. Hey Weasels, you punks suck!
Jose—- Caribbean Bikernet Agent.
Bikernet Recipe
Just a little something to lift your ‘spirits’ for the holidays!
BIKERNET HOLIDAY FRUIT CAKE
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 gallon whiskey
Simple Directions
1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl.
2. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highestquality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
3. Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large,fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
4. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn offmixer.Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of driedfruit.Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers,pryitloose with a drewscriver.
5. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticaty. Next, sift 2cupsof salt. Or something. Who cares?
6. Whisk the checkey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain yournuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you canfind.
7. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’tforgetto beat off the turner.
8. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again.
9. Go to bed. Who in the hell likes fruitcake anyway?
Bikernet On Religion
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacherwentto the congregation and asked for a raise.After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule thatwhenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.After fiveor six children, this started to get expensive and the congregationdecided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s pay.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much theclergyman’sadditional children were costing the church. Finally, the preachergotup and spoke to the crowd, “Having children is an act of God!”A little old manand in his frail voice in the back of church shouted
“Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get toomuch, we wear rubbers!”
Perspective
A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at theclouds.He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God.
“God,” he said, “how long is a million years?”
God answered, “In my frame of reference, it’s about a minute.”
The man asked, “God, how much is a million dollars?”
God answered, “To me, it’s a penny.”
The man then asked, “God, can I have a penny?”
God answered, “In a minute.”
Midget
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he’s sending a friendoverto buy a horse.”How will I recognize him?” “That’s easy, he’s a midget with a speechimpediment.”
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a maleorfemale horse. “A female horth.” So he shows him a prized filly. “Nithlookinhorth. Can I thee her eyeth?” So the guy picks up the midget and hegivesthe horse’s eyes the once over and says “Nith eyeth. Can I thee herearzth?”So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.”Nithearzth. Can I thee her mouf?” The rancher is gettin pretty disgusted atthispoint, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth. “Nicemouf, now can I see her twat?” Totally upset at this point, the ranchergrabs the midget under his arm and rams the midget’s head as far as hecanup the horse’s twat,pulls him out, and drops him on the ground.
Themidgetgets up, sputtering and coughing. “Perhapth I should rephrathe that. CanIthee her wun awound a widdle bit?”
Bikernet Virus Warning
If you receive an e-mail titled “Death to the Infidels!” or”Badtimes”, delete it IMMEDIATELY.
Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will notonlyerase everything on your hard drive, but it will also deleteanythingon disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on yourVCRand uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs youattempttoplay. It will program your phone auto-dial to call only “900” numbers.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD’S SAKE, ARE YOULISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you areexpecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine,allthe while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your backandbilling their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a waythatis only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your activeverbstopassive voice and incorporate undetectable misspellings whichgrosslychange the interpretations of key sentences.
If the “Badtimes” message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment,itwill leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged indangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattressesandpillows, It will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******
And if you don’t send this to 5,000 people in 20 seconds you’ll fart so hardthat your right legwill spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks thatwillignite the person nearest you.
Send to everyone in your address book….
In case you are a blonde, this is a joke.
Continued On Page 3