Road rumors are a part of being massive celebrities and the tall tales abound. In an effort to better inform our loyal bros and sisters from Italy to L.A., we?re taking on a few of the more regularly asked questions, to give you, our reader, (you really should be doing something else) the real lowdown on the swine of Bikernet.
Smokin? Joe from Texas asks:
Dear Zebra,
Does Bandit really wear women?s underwear? Because if he does, I?m taking his poster down from my bathroom.
Signed,
Confused in Texas
RE:
Dear Confucius,
“Underwear” is a very loose term and can apply to a variety of household items and food products. Does Bandit wear a Scrotal Support Mechanism? The answer is yes. It is a customized rig built in part from the basic infrastructure of a pair of Victoria?s Secret Supercharger Get Some lace panties with a Custom Chrome drive train and Rev Tech 100 inch big twin. But don?t think for a minute Bandit is a pansy. He rode a rigid to Sturgis at the withering old age of 59 (61 in reality) for Sturgis 2000 and I can tell you, he?s a salty dog. I don?t want to reveal any personal information on Bandit, but I can tell you this, his genitalia has sagged to the dirty desert floor, due to a horrendous diet of lies and whiskey, a total lack of exercise, zero sleep, incredible stress and a long-time relationship with a woman named “Ton” who had a personal quirk which involved tugging at certain regions that will go unmentioned. The result is that Bandit has “caught himself” several times in the spokes of his rear tire as well as his drive belt. This was when the engineers in the Bikernet garage decided to build Bandit a custom soft tissue support system which would allow him to ride with the freedom of his younger years. I hope this answers your question and remember, uh, well shit, I forgot what I was going to say.
Special Agent Zebra
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Big Pig from Denver asks:
Dear Zebra,
I understand the Chinaman can eat his bodyweight in roadkill. Is this a road rumor?
Signed,
Puking in Denver
RE:
Dear Puke King,
This rumor started several years ago on a Bikernet run to New York. The whole gang was running hard through Ohio, when Digital Gangster hit a deer. The Chinaman, both an avid conservationist and renowned nature lover felt it was wrong to allow the animal to go to waste. So he ate it. But I can assure you, the animal was no where near the body weight of the Chinaman, who tips the scales at well over 500 pounds. I know, I was there. I?m virtually sure of it.
Special Agent Zebra
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Sue the Tramp from Ireland asks:
Dear Zebra,
I heard that Digital Gangster has balls so big he has to run two sidecars and that he carries a nut in each car.
Signed,
Interested in the Old Country
RE:
Dear Interested,
Let?s get one thing straight, Bikernet does not, I repeat, does not, release personal information regarding our employees. Digital Gangster does suffer from genital gigantotesticula, a very embarrassing condition that results in a massive swelling of the balls. The sidecars were put on just a year ago, but they both are fitted with very dark windscreens to prevent the viewing of Digital Gangster?s unsightly and unwashed balls by the public at large, nuns and girls under the age of 16.
-Special Agent Zebra
