AK47-FART: Strangely enough, this sounds and feels like someone shoved an AK-47 Russian automatic rifle up your ass and laid on the trigger. Sit back and let it rip, because it goes on for a while.
ALARM FART: This is a good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It starts with a loud unnatural high note and ends with a quick downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is wrong and will usually get you alarmed. If it happens to you, you will know right away because of the nervous feeling you will have.
ALCOHOL FUNNY FART: Right after you have a bunch of alcohol or beer, you let one loose. Usually wet and musty.
AMPLIFIED FART: This is any fart that gets is power more from being amplified than from the fart itself. A metal porch swing will amplify a fart every time, as will metal fold-up chair, boat seat, bed door of a pickup truck, cardboard box, etc. These are the funniest of farts under the right conditions.
ANTICIPATED FART: This one warns that it is inside there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted an Anticipated Fart.
ATOM BOMB FART: The atom bomb fart is loud as heck, and it smells the worst, too, and everyone around you falls to the ground screaming. Your ass may feel a little sore afterwards.
BACK SEAT FART: This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by traffic noise, as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its odor is foul and will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. And then someone will say, who farted in the back there?
BALLS TICKLER FART: This is when you let the gas escape very slowly while sitting in the bathtub. The tiny bubbles come up round your testicles with a tickling sensation, and often attach themselves to the hairs on your scrotum, but finally come to the surface as a nasty stink. (Applies to males only).
BALLSY FART/GUTSY FART: You are in a predicament where you would have to be gutsy in order to let it go…and you let ’em rip. Usually in a familiar situation.
BANANA FART: A roughly silent fart that squeaks out an oderous gas that smells like a rotten smelly old banana.
BANANANA FART: As above, but longer…..
BARRED OWL FART: A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It’s a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barred Owl Fart.
BARREL OF LAUGHS FART: The kind of fart when you feel it coming a mile away, so you go and sit on your friends lap and let her rip. Sounds like some one’s rolling a barrel down your asshole.
BEAR FART (aka NITEMARE ON SMELL STREET): The kind of fart that will wake you up at night because it smells so bad. They can be either silent or noisy: But they are the stinkiest farts imaginable! Only a bear (on a bear’s diet) could produce a smell that rotten.
BEEFY ONE: Sounds loud and butch, eg. ‘BRAAAAMMPPPH!’. Will smell a bit like the rotting offspring of a B.S.E infected cow and a dog turd.
BIGGEST FART IN THE WORLD: Like the Atom Bomb fart, this fart is pretty well described by its name. This can either be a group of farts combined, or just one or two really big ones. This fart is totally awe-inspiring.
BLIND DATE FART (a.k.a On the Spot Fart): Happens while you are on a blind date or meeting new people. While getting to know each other, looking your best, and putting your best face forward, then “BRRAAMPH.” You pray that it wasn’t heard, and try to play it off while others look uncomfortable.
BUBBLE BOBBLE FART: This type of fart occurs while one is sitting. As one sits down, a gaseous bubble fart pokes out just a little bit under ones butt to cause a rocking sensation, as if one is sitting on a beach ball.
BUBBLE FART: You feel at the edge of your ass and you think that it is gone, but then it pops and is one of the most smelliest farts possible.
BUBBLE GUM FART: A bubbly but wet fart that smells so horribly bad you don’t even enjoy it.
BUDDAH: This fart is the mother of all farts. It starts out like a car’s engine “vroom, vroom” and then it back fires (“BOOM”) and it knocks the family cat a couple of miles
BULLET FART: Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.
BUNBUSTER FART: ‘BRAAA!’ Sounds like a Beefy one, except much more sudden and much more powerful. Generally smells eggy or beefy. Leaves your asshole smarting. You really feel these babies.
BURP ‘N’ FART: This is when you burp and fart at the same time, but unfortunately it doesn’t happen often.
BUTT ROCKET FART: Eating large quantities of fast food at one sitting provokes this scary, but predictable fart. It doesn’t make any appreciable noise until it is just about through. It is similar to the worrying fart inasmuch as the necessity to check your shorts for a stain is imminent.
BUTTRIPPER FART: The kind that comes out so fast and hard that it rips your cheeks apart and makes you cry for all hell.
COMMAND FART: This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed.
COMMON FART: This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this far any further.
COMPUTER FART: The kind where you are playing on the computer, and it just slips out.
CROWD FART: The crowd fart is distinguished by its very potent odor, strong enough to make quite a few people turn look around. The trick here is not to identify the fart but the farter. This is almost impossible unless the farter panics and makes a coughing noise, or looks up to the ceiling as if something up there fascinates him. Very common in the supermarket.
CUSHIONED FART: A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people.
DID AN ANGEL SPEAK FART: Very simply any fart in church, temple, or any place of worship. For fart watchers who go to this is a must to watch for as this is the only place it can occur.
DOG PATSY FART: You let a fart so bad, that you have to blame it on the dog. Called a Silent But Deadly when dog is not present.
DUD FART: The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It’s a fart that fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else expected to fart but didn’t. It is the most private of all farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.
ECHO FART: This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone — like an echo.
EGGY FART: Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulfide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch.
ENGLISH FART: A very classy fart. The sound alone distinguishes it from all other farts. There are some who will say that this is a put-on accent, but that is silly. When it comes to farting goes around sounding like an Englishman. It happens or it doesn’t. The sound it makes is a “THIP”. Sometimes it will go “THIP — THIP.” It is unmistakable. It is probably as proper and upper class as a fart can get.
ESCAPE POD FART: You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs through your nose, as discreetly as possible. You smell nothing, but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everyone starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.
EXCLAMATION FART: This is a punctuation fart. Timing is the whole thing. The farter, or someone, must be speaking. For instance the speaker will say “Ah shut up!” and then someone will fart a loud sharp fart. This is a true exclamation fart. If the speaker is also the farter he may delay it until just the right moment them force it for all he’s worth (sometimes causing an unwanted load in his pants). Rare.
EXECUTIVE FART: A very loud fart by a very important person is an executive fart. It is either sharp or flat, somewhat off key, but otherwise a very business like fart. No nonsense about it! But no one is supposed to notice, particularly the farter. If you do not laugh at the executive fart its either your afraid of the person who farted or the fart was just too gross. Common with very important people
FLORAL FLATULANTS: These olfactic confections are typically generated when on vacation in tropical destinations. They are formed from the vacationer’s new diet of wild fruit drinks, coconut oils, and various local foods. They are very unique, and to the expulsion expert they are among the most pleasant scented. Some have often tried to bottle this scent, but it cannot be captured!
FLUTTERBUSTER FART: Farting whilst seated on a vinyl covered surface.
FOGGY WINDOW FART: You’re sitting in the car at night or early in the morning, and after some time of getting the windows defogged, someone has to fart and fog the windows back up.
FRENCH FART: Said to be the most beautiful of farts, usually in a minor key, soft and musical with many half tones. Any long drawn out fart that seems beautiful to you is most likely a French Fart. Very Rare.
GHOST FART: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a fart.
GIFT FART: The type of fart which seems harmless at first, but then brings a small poopie as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet, and thank God you weren’t in a business meeting when it happened. If you were in a business meeting, you’re screwed.
GLAD IT WASN’T MINE FART: So nasty in smell, odor, and sound, that you have to thank God it didn’t come from your behind!
GNL FART: Gambled ‘n’ lost. You take a gamble that it’s going to be a minor, non-smelly, fart and stay where you are, but realize tragically that this is much, much worse than your typical fart…
GOBBLE FART: Sounds like a turkey gobbling.
GREETINGS FART: You let one rip as a greeting or a way to say, “Hello, how do you do!”
GROWLING FART: Happens deep within the bowls (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vets.
GUNSHOT FART: Gunshot farts sound just like a gunshot. They are exceedingly rare. In fact they are so rare that most people don’t know they even exist. One report continues: “I have only witnessed one gunshot fart myself, my own, and almost scared the poop out of my girlfriend who was lying asleep beside me at the time. She thought it was a gunshot, and it was so named.”
HAD TO SHIT BUT ONLY FARTED FART: You run to the bathroom with the urge to purge and you let her rip, only to find that you had a huge fart. If this takes place in a public restroom with others present, you are really embarrassed.
HAYFEVER FART: Basically, you fart at the same time you sneeze.
HERSHEY SQUIRT: Feels like a silent burst of air but surprisingly you have a scrumptiously, gooey, squirty surprise. Usually requires cleanup and change of underwear.
HIC-HACHOO-FART FART: This is strictly an old lady’s fart. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually pat her chest and exclaim, “My, my!” or “Well, well.” There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old person’s fart as there is.
HORROR MOVIE SCARE FART: You’re watching your favorite horror movie, or a new one, and by either suspense or fright, you let one rip.
HYDRATED FLATULATION (a.k.a WET FART): The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants, and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. You might not like this little bugger, but you feel right at home with it.
I-LOVE-YOU FART: The kind of fart that sounds like “I luv u” in Arabic!
IMPLOSSION FART: You feel the strong urge to fart, but people are around you, so you squeeze your asshole to stop an explosion, preferring to slowly open and squeeze the hole in quick succession, to let the gas escape silently.
INTERROGATIVE FART: Starts out low, and rises in pitch towards its conclusion. Sounds like your ass is asking a question.
IT’S STUCK!! FART: Usually a timid fart (not much air) and while your sitting down, but when you let it out, it sticks between the cheeks as a tiny air bubble. And no matter how hard you try, you just can’t pop the sucker out, no matter how hard you squeeze.
JERK FART: The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.
JOHN FART: The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the wound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person’s trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.
LAUGHING FART: When you are laughing so hard at something you fart, and you can’t deny it cause everyone heard it and you might as well admit your guilt!
LEAD FART: The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a fart. What was that, you might think? And never guess.
LIQUID FART: It happens when the fart comes out in such a form that it feels like some sort of diarrhea, even if it isn’t. Feels like the Hershey Squirt, but no major cleanup required. However, likely will leave a skid mark by the end of the day.
LONELY FART: This is the type you do when you’re on your own, so you don’t care about the smell or the noise. Usually provoked.
LOUD AND DEADLY FART: In the same family of farts as the silent, but deadly fart (S.B.D), except it is heard by everyone and it can cause people to faint.
MALTED MILK BALL FART: Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare.
MEXICAN FART: The one that reminds you of the taco you had the night before and it makes you hungry.
MIGRATING FART: This fart sneaks out of your butt and remains there feeling about the size of a walnut or small tomato. It is when you sit up in a more erect posture that you feel it inch its way upward between the crack of your ass until the crack stops. The fart then apparently dissipates somewhere behind your back or perhaps inside your shirt.
MORNING FART: The first thing out of bed fart. Long, loud, and not too smelly. Usually emerges after you empty your bladder, or during.
MOTHBALL FART: Noted for coming from elderly folks, usually in a casual manner with little to no noise. But when the scent is out- it reeks of musty mothballs.
MOTORCYCLE FART: This is similar to the Tandem Bike fart. When someone is riding on the back of your motorcycle and you fart, but the vibration of the engine covers your crime. You immediately rev the engine to mask the sound and accelerate to increase wind flow.
MOUTH FART: Comes out the other end but you couldn’t tell by the smell.
MOVIE THEATER FART: You are sitting in a movie theater and you have to let one go, so you wait for an opening, such as a big explosion, to let it go. (i.e., StarWars during the Death Star explosion 🙂
NEVER ENDING FART: This is the fart that doesn’t end; It just goes on and on and on….It gives you and your companions a mystical sense of eternity. You will feel like lying down and taking a nap afterward.
NO HOLES BARRED FART: This is a rare, once-in-a-life time fart-combo, when a huge, resounding fart is combined with a sneeze, and simultaneously you pee in your pants, your ears pop, snot runs down your nose, and tears stream down your face. It is sometimes finished off with a belch and a uncontrollable grin. This is usually made possible after feasting on a large, double-cheese pizza and a half-dozen Heinekens, and during the spring or fall when there is a high pollen count.
NONCHALENT FART: This fart is normally associated with the elderly. The fart is very audible yet the farter just continues with whatever activity or conversation he or she happened to be engaged in, as if it had never happened. It makes you wonder if they actually realized they did it.
NOT NOW! FART (a.k.a ANAL CONTROL FART): You feel the presence of a mighty fart, and are unable to release it due to your situation. Happens on first dates, at important meetings, and on other such inexcusable occasions. You clench your buttocks together so hard that you nearly give yourself a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends on a number of factors, but Murphy’s Law tends to win out in the end.
OH MY GOD FART: This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts – a fart that smells like a month-old bowl of rotten eggs sitting in the sun. If you should ever encounter it, you may first want to say, “Oh, shit!” which would be understandable.
OMEN FART: This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.
ONE CHEEK SNEAK FART: This fart happens when you put your weight on one butt cheek and lift the other up in order to achieve maximum discursion of sound and smell, or to avoid stinking up your clothes. Usually the most satisfying of farts.
ORGANIC FART: Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and healthly his fart smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.
OW OW OW FART: This fart actually hurts. It occurs after you have been farting a lot and it has begun to irritate your hemorrhoids. You will receive little sympathy for this type of fart.
PANTY FLUFF: A euphemism for a female fart, i.e., “Women don’t fart, they ‘panty fluff’.”
PIGGYBACK FART: Only occurs in those situations where it would be a ‘personal disaster’ to fart (e.g. crowded room, business meeting). You are holding onto this bad boy for dear life when suddenly someone else drops a LOUD one. Before the noise of this one has finished you let rip a fast a possible so both farts sound as one. This is easy if you are near the other person, if not then start talking loudly about the amazing echo in the room.
POINT BLANK FART: A point blank fart is a prank done on an unsuspecting victim by pointing your anus toward the victim’s face and letting it fly. This is successfully accomplished when the victim is sleeping or watching television. Likely victims are siblings, spouses, close friends, and in-laws.
POLITE FART: You feel the urge and excuse yourself to the other room where you politely let her rip.
POO-POO FART: This is a fart by a very small kid. The kid farts and then says “go poo-poo now.” And somebody takes him and he does.
POST SHOWER FART: That unwanted fart that occurs right after you walk out of the shower feeling fresh and nice. Makes you want to get back in a rinse off again.
PREDATOR FART: This fart is a high-velocity number that smells like a bag of rotting duck guts. It seems to actually seek out a victim after leaving its maker. Usually attacks an innocent friend in the back seat of the car or a few seats away in a theatre. The predator fart will mysteriously skip over others and wrap itself around its victim with a vicious fury.
PRELUDE TO A POOPIE: Feels like you have a large, beefy one, but out comes a tiny squeaker fart, and the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.
PRORR-WOOORT FART: Noted for the nice, long, modulated sound it makes… Best achieved with pants down.
PULL MY FINGER FART: You ask some one to pull your finger when you feel a big gassy fart come on. After they pull your finger, you let it fly with a big grin and chuckle. A favorite of dads, uncles, and grandpas around the world.
PUMPKIN FART: A warm, dry, fart that smells like an old Jack-O-Lantern. An aroma pleasing to the creator, but one that can clear a large room.
QUIVER FART: A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers. But don’t be mistaken:, if it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. And if you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratch-ass Fart.
RAMBLING PHADUKA FART: You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds, maybe longer.
REALLY GOOD FAKE FART: Not really a fart. Someone makes a noise that sounds like a fart and blames it on you or someone else.
RELIEF FART: Sound or odor don’t matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will even remark out loud, “Wow, what a relief.” Very common.
RELUCTANT FART: This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances.
RUSTY GATE FART: The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. It is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.
S.B.D. FART: S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common of farts, but the most dreaded by others, since it doesn’t allow a chance to escape before olfactory detection. One would have no problem recognizing this type of fart, but it can be the most troubling in terms of identifying the farter in a small group or crowd. Old canines sleeping peacefully on the ground are famous for this type of fart. However, if there are no old dogs present, the human farter usually immerges as the last person remaining seated or present in the room, and often grinning uncontrollably.
SANDPAPER FART: This one itches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratch-ass Fart. Common.
S’CUSE ME FART: This rare fart excuses itself as it is farted. It is about as close to words as a fart can get. The sound it makes is like a little soft whisper that says “S’cuse me.” This is the most polite of all farts and very silly when you are alone.
SKILLSAW FART: A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common.
SLINGSHOT FART: You didn’t even know it was there, but suddenly it flies out your ass like a slingshot.
SMALL FART: It’s the kind of fart where you just hear a ‘beep’. Usually only accomplished by small children.
SONIC BOOM FART: The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.
SPHINCTAL NAPALM: Tends to occur a few hours after a hot curry Indian dinner. Never mind the smell, worry about the burning sensation and the nasty stain you know it must have left.
SPLATTER FART: Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all farts, sometime requiring a fast trip to the bathroom and, at worse, a change of underwear. It is often associated with a bout of diarrhea or flu. It probably should not be called a fart at all.
STALKER FART: Occurs when you leave the room to politely fart elsewhere, and save people the trouble of breathing your flatulent devils breath. You go back into the room, but LO! The foul nasal bombardment has followed you, and you are duly criticized for poor manners.
STAR SPANGLED BANNER FART: This is one of the few farts that can bring tears to people’s eyes and lumps to their throats and otherwise get them all stirred up.
STEALTH FART: A stealth fart is similar to the point blank fart but uses the silent-but-deadly fart. Very effective when your bored at a party. Just when your ready to release your SBD, you would walk toward a group of guests and then release your payload and slowly walk away. Then the guests won’t know what hit them when your payload reaches equilibrium.
STOLEN FART: Someone else lets it, but it’s so good that you claim it. Usually, especially if it was from a female, your claim goes uncontested.
STUTTER FART: If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It is a fart that can’t seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out far that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted after considerable effort.
SYNCRONIOUS FART: More than one person farts in sync. Sounds neat sometimes. Often follows Thanksgiving dinner.
TACO BELL FART: The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up — sometimes hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too, even on a windy day.
TANDEM FART: Tandem Farts are the worst smelling and longest lasting farts ever to be recorded. They are so named since they are the only fart that is still capable of being detected by the rear companion on a Tandem bicycle (bicycle built for two) as it is being pedaled. A tandem fart occurs when the captain of the bike farts and the rear stoker smells it. As you can imagine, the fart must be extremely strong to compete with the wind and to get to the stoker’s nose. Hence, extremely potent and disgusting farts emitted while not on a tandem are sometimes referred to as Tandem Farts.
TEFLON FART: Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. It is a very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right, your companion will never know.
TENSION BREAKER FART: Usually during a test or some stressful meeting where everyone is concentrating, and someone in the room lets a fart that, rather than making people gag, makes everyone laugh. Then of course, if it was in class at school, others will start imitating it.
THANK GOD I’M ALONE FART: Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have farted and say, “Thank God I’m alone.” Then you get out of there.
TICKLE FART: A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a quiet, but rapid, staccato, fart. Not smelly. If you like being tickled, this is the fart for you.
TIMEX FART: Very rare fart, where the odor lingers 20 minutes or longer.
TIMID FART: Short, sweet, petite, not much odor, and not much air.
TITY BOWL FART: While squatting on the toilet bowl, anticipating the arrival of a “brown trout,” your gut blazes a trail for it by blowing a massive blast. The deep dish and hollow bowl allow for a nice reverb effect.
TOOTERS ANONYMOUS: A 12-step program that helps people addicted to flatulence. Requires a strict diet free of beans, broccoli, crab cakes, dairy products and beer, and involves coming to terms with those victimize by your POINT BLANK FARTs and S.B.D.s. This program has a high attrition rate.
TOOT-UNCOMMON: This fart is one that happens when you are asleep and therefore not in control. Like the mummy of the famous Egyptian ruler, you lie still while it rips out. The sound may not awaken you, but the smell may, especially after a night at the pub. Egyptian theme can be carried further if you trap your partner under the covers and cause him/her to share in the experience, much like the burial of an Egyptian queen in the same tomb.
TRIPLE FLUTTER BLAST: This is the fart that occurs after a hefty Chinese meal. To properly ‘perform’ it one leg must be elevated and resting on a convenient chair or stool. Happens in three short but powerful bursts.
TROUSER RIPPING SPECIAL: Sends seismic ripples to the next city. Rips the back of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby at the time will suffer hearing loss.
TWIST-OF-FATE DOG FART: Your dog silently lets go a big stinker, but everyone blames it on you!
UNDERWATER FART: Often done in the bath, or while swimming. Sounds like the engine of a nuclear sub. Looks like you are in a Jacuzzi. Can be smelt on rising to the surface. Experienced windbreakers will catch the fart in an upturned jam jar in order to set fire to the gas.
VIBRATING FART: The person sitting next to you can feel it.
WALKING FART: The kind that makes a little sound every time you take a step.
WEDDING FART: Happens when the Pastor is pronouncing them husband and wife, edgy and beefy combo, loud and deadly. The bride and almost pass out from holding their breath and giggling while they kiss.
WINDY FART: The sort of fart which goes ‘Whoosh’, and is more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.
WORRYING FART: It seems to be a normal fart right up to the point at which you release it. But at this point matters become less sure, as it feels a little too solid for comfort. You anxiously want to go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the next possible opportunity.
