Badlands Project
I’ll start with this one. It’s a coffee table book project with 30 stories 20-year members of clubs. I’ve been working on this project for five years. It’s a tough one, but recently it looks as though we will get the necessary funding through Motorbooks, Int. to complete this historic project.
We even have a producer behind us who might follow us around the country as Mike Lichter takes the shots and I interview the members. We’ll keep you posted.
Agent Zebra Lives
The madman is doing well and writing 24-7. “I’ve got my first TV offer which my agent is negotiating. Fingers crossed. Working on a new movie script which I pitched this summer to the studios. Got a first draft, looking over notes from the producers.”
Now for the bad news, “Getting married in October,” Zebra mumble under his voice as I looked at the memorable bullet holes in the headquarters from too much whiskey, “on my ranch in Kansas to Sonia, the gal I met in Paris a year and a half ago. Top flight, couldn’t do better.”
Yeah right. I know a French girl. She escaped my grasp and returned to France, bought an old villa and built a restaurant out of it. Zebra has never introduce Sonia to the bikernet crew. I wonder why?
Ozark Ed Reports
I started reading the daily journal from Ed a few months back. I got a kick out of his attitude and non-stop biker lifestyle, so I started to publish his paragraphs. We all go through the shit he explain thoroughly. It’s a kick to read his straightforward, no holds, barred ramblings. Let’s hit it:
Well call me stupid or just a glutton for punishment, but juvee girl called and wanted to go on my road trip yesterday. Who can say no? Ride in a car alone for 200 miles out in the middle of no-radio land or ride with a beautiful girl. No thought there for me. I just hope that there’s no bad shit happening because of it. I really hope that nothing bad comes from her going riding with me this afternoon, although I’m sorta cutting the time very very close to when my girl is wanting me to do some shit for her. oops. we’ll see what happens
Jim Bortles-built Ness bike I painted for Sturgis plus an oldie, but goodie that showed up at the Smoke Out III, the Stevie Ray mural.
Bikernet Insider Report On Custom Paint
The following is a brief description of the above paint jobs by our Reader’s Showcase editor, JoAnn Bortles, or CrazyHorse. The orange marblized paint was the result of an experimental technique and mucho stress. My assignment with this bike was very clear. The bike had to be ROAD-ready for Sturgis. It HAD to get photographed by a magazine. It HAD to turn heads everywhere it went. It had to perfectly compliment the fabrication of the bike, not overwhelm it. The owner just couldn’t be happy–he had to be ecstatically happy. The fabricator and the motor guys had done their jobs, now it was up to me. If I blew it, I would blow it for everyone.
I’d had this paint job design planned out months ago. I had worked out the color and design on paper and on a sample fender. Then the week before I was to do the artwork ( 3 weeks before the bike was due to arrive in Sturgis), the owner decides to change the paint scheme. I said, “No way.” So now I had really put my ass and my design on the line.
Then, of course, I had all the time in the world to get the color sprayed, design applied, filler, clearcoats, built-up, and flawless finish clear applied.
I had one week, that’s 5 days in bike builder time. I applied the marblizing the way they tell you not to in order to get the rich glow. The day after I sprayed the color, the builder, Jim Bortles, my husband, took the frame to work with him and started assembling. I laid a few coats of spray mask on the rest of the parts, cut out the liquid graphics, and started airbrushing. Three days later, I dropped the rest of the parts off after they were covered with 19,000 coats of clear.
The bike hit the road after two days of final assembly. Morrie Irwin, the owner, rode it all over the Badlands, got inducted into the Hamsters, and reported no problems with the bike whatsoever. Hot Bike photographed it. Arlen Ness said it was one of the best customs he’s seen that was built with his new Y2K frame and accessories. Mission Accomplished!!!!!!!!!!
I’ll follow this little tale with another sweet paint story. This is about a Panhead known as the Stevie Ray bike. It was Jan 1998 and Paul Garson, a writer for the now defunct VQ magazine, told me if I could show up at the Easyrider Show Finals with something intense, he might just do an article about my painting. Bikes I had recently painted had just taken home five trophies at the Charlotte Show, including two First Places and a Best of Show. What the hell did he want? I needed an ace in the hole to get the attention of his boss, a certain bike magazine editor (whoever would that be?????) Monte King of King’s Customs called me up and wanted me to do two murals of Stevie Ray Vaughan on this wild Panhead of his. Being a Stevie Ray fan, I had a few pictures in mind, I wanted to use. I’d been saving them for years. Now I knew the reason why. I had one month before the Easyriders Bike Show Finals. That meant three weeks to perform the wildest, most photo-perfect artwork, I’d ever dreamed of doing. For three weeks I worked from 11am to 2-4am everyday. Not one day off until it was done.
The bike made it to the show and took home a 2nd Place and Best of Show. Mike Litchter performed a three-day photoshoot at the Show. It was hard as hell to light and show all the detail in the murals. The paint was so deep and glassy that it was very difficult not to catch reflections. The bike made the mag. Jimmie Vaughan saw the bike recently and said it was a fitting tribute to his brother.
There are tons of painters out there. It’s getting harder and harder to stand out from the masses. I can’t give away my secrets, but I try to lay down paint that’s different, that won’t just draw the eye, but grab it.
Sometimes “less is more.” The two examples above show two very different ends of the spectrum, from “simple”, yet high impact design, that uses color and form, to bring out the best features of a bike to high precision airbrush work.
I design each paint job for the bike it goes on, making the most of the ideas my customers give me. Many times I test out color combos and designs on paper and on actual bike parts. It’s helpful to see how a color treatment reacts on a curved surface, instead of a flat test panel.
I’ll try to keep Bikernet updated on any wild paintwork I do over the fall and winter. Check out my website- www.crazyhorsepainting.com . There are over 100 examples of graphics, flames, and murals, along with customer comments, magazine articles, and awards won. E-mail me at joann@crazyhorsepainting to ask questions, get a price quote, bitch me out, ect.
—-Crazy Horse
A Married Couple
A married couple both lost their jobs at the broom factory, and were having a hard time finding new jobs. Unfortunately, their mounting credit card debt required some immediate income.
The wife suggested that she could whore herself out, but her husband was a little less than thrilled about the prospect.?
But financial necessities got the best of her, and she went behind her husband’s back to go whoring.
She came back one night with a huge wad of cash, and fessed up to her hubby.
He was upset, but asked how much she made.
“$398.10,” she said.
Asphalt Cowboy Update
The financing did not come through within the time limit we set up for I RIDE ALONE, so now we are not obligated to use that script. One way we were thinking of going was to to go back to ASPHALT COWBOYS. We really love the name and it is more of a buddy movie with a lot of cast members that we could use. We spoke to Conrad this week and he told us that he would option the script to us exclusively for 90 days, if we wanted to go this route. We just sent a draft contract to his manager/agent yesterday. If we go this route, we won’t lose too much time. We are talking to Universal and Gold Circle now and have plans to meet with others next week.
Also, we are proceeding with the venture capital group that has expressed interest, but the documentation for that option takes more time (tax qualifying, PPM, SEC, etc.) We just have to stay on it.
–Linda Nelson
NELSON MADISON FILMS
Soccer Enthusiasm Wanning In United States
Bikernet was challenged to study this phenomin. Here’s what we found…
Run For Breath Report
??? The final amount raised for the Run For Breath was $7400.00. Not bad! Mike Pullin the man behind the success of Charlotte Harley-Davidson created this July run for kids who have asthma, since his son died of the deadly decease in a freak incident.
Mike wanted to step forward for the education of people and kids afflicted with this decease. If you and your kids know what the do when a child is attacked with asthma, his life can be easily saved.
Telemarketing Tips
Steve Rubenstein, a writer for the San Francisco ?Chronicle, has proposed “Three Little Words” based on his brief ?experience in a telemarketing operation that would stop the ?nuisance for all time.
The three little words are “Hold On, ?Please.” Saying this while putting down your phone and walking off ?instead of hanging up immediately would make each ?telemarketing call so time-consuming ?that boiler rooms would grind ?to a halt. When you eventually hear the ?phone company’s ?beep-beep-beep tone, you know it’s time to go ?back and hang up your ?handset, which has efficiently completed its task. ? ? ?
GOOD IDEAS: ? ?
When you get ads in your phone or ?utility bill, include them with the ?payment let the companies throw ?them away. ? ?
When you get those pre approved letters in ?the mail for everything from ?credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk ?like that, most of ?them come with postage paid return envelopes, ?right? Well, why not get ?rid of some of your other junk mail ?and put it in these cool ?little envelopes! ? ?
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send the ?pizza coupon to Citibank. ? ?
If you didn’t ?get anything else that day then just send them their ?application ?back! If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure ?your ?name isn’t on anything you send them. You can send it back ??empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! ? ?
Ozark Ed Returns
Fuuuuck, the bitch is cursed. I was going to Rodneys yesterday to pick up to bad ass new grips for my Shovelhead. I had talked to the juvee girl and she was going to meet me there, and maybe sneak off for a little ride. Well I told her and Phillip’s girl that my girl was going on a girls’ night out with miss kitty. Next thing I knew Phillip’s girl called me at home and said that she, Phillip, and juvee girl were coming over and we were going to go out in the hoped-up convertable. Everything was ok at this point.
Mistake #1: I drove my girl out to Miss Kitty’s so she wouldn’t need a ride home. She was going to call me on Phillp’s girls phone if she needed a ride.
Mistake #2: When Phillip and his girl said they were going home at 10:00, I asked juvee girl if she wanted to go riding on the bike.
Mistake #3: not calling my girl to see how things were. End result: me and juvee girl went down to the river, drank beer and burned a little something. My girl got tired of the girls and started calling me at 10:30. I returned home sometime after midnight, with juvee girl on the back, her car in my driveway, and my girl in the house pissed beyond belief.
See what I mean about that bitch being cursed? Every time I see her something bad happens. Granted, I brought this one on myself but still, never in a million years would have this gone down like that with any other girl in the world. I’m seeing her Monday.
–Ozark Ed
WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE? CAKE OR BED????? A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, “HONEY, ?COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT’S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.”
HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, ?”FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ?GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON’T THINK SO. ?
“FINE,” ?THEN THE WIFE ASKS, “WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON’T CLOSE RIGHT.” TO WHICH HE REPLIED, ?”FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? ?DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON’T THINK SO.”
“FINE,” SHE SAYS, ?”THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? ??THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK.”
“I’M NOT A DAMM CARPENTER AND I DON’T WANT TO FIX STEPS,” HE SAYS, “DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? ?I DON’T THINK SO. I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I’M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!” SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME. AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES ?THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. “HONEY,” HE ASKS, “HOW’D ALL THIS GET FIXED?”
SHE SAID, “WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM ?OR BAKE A CAKE.”
HER MAN BLINKED HIS EYES AND ASKED, “SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?”
SHE REPLIED, ?”HELLOOOOO….? DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON’T THINK SO!”
Teaser To Latest Digital Discovery
We look for original or extremely rare material for the Digital Discovery. If you run across something that could be considered one of a kind or shit that no one else has seen in 25 years let us know. Bob T. from our desert transmitting station dug up a crumpled set of movie stills from 1970. The movie was titled, “Angels Die Hard”. Enjoy.
Let’s Ride–and get the hell away from women on the rag. I’ve often said that once a month a man is afforded sound reasoning to leave his woman. What usually would roll off their backs like water in a shower turns to fighting words. Imagine being forced to face three women entering PMS hell. Must be one of the reasons we ride.
Speaking of riding, I’m dying to get out of town, and ride to Arizona. Maybe October and a trip through the cactus, tumbleweed and creosote to Tombstone to visit the Kennedys. I like the open road, the sand-dusted desert and thought of a big titted senorita waiting for me in a small town less than five miles from the border. Doesn’t that make you itch for the road?
–Bandit
