When Bandit contacted me about the Girls of Bikernet, I was appalled.
I am a devout Southern Baptist who truly despises porn and other flagrant displays of pornography.
He tried to explain how it would be very tasteful and clean, but I wouldn’t listen. I will never, ever compromise myself for a few bucks. He told me that wasn’t an option, since I don’t get paid anyways. Then he explained it would be showing just titties and bikes.
“Titties!? Who the fuck doesn’t like titties? Count me in!”
I was flown to the headquarters for my assignment. I would be driven to an exclusive studio built in a remote location near the Bikernet headquarters the next day. Layla, Sin Wu, and a cute redhead woke me with mimosas and cantaloupe for breakfast. Of course they were topless, which I didn’t mind at all. I finished my food and took a few moments to read my Bible and have some quiet time. (Read here: I took a shit.) After my morning reflection and daily bible verse, Phillipians 4:13. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens Me.” I went downstairs where the big guy and I slammed through a grueling two-hour workout. He may be old, but the big bastard still benches over 400 and curls close to 200 lbs. I was impressed.
After our workout, I cleaned up and got ready for the interview, as I was told the limo would be there to pick me up in an hour. I was a little excited to start this story with a beautiful girl posing next to a bike. Bandit handed me an index card with the following inscription when I left. Here’s what it said:
REAL name: Chelsea Good.
MySpace Webpage (put it in her article please) www.myspace.com/59205459
She's the Stepdaughter of my wiring tech here at Steeds. Her dad was a Vietnam Vet, and Harley enthusiast, who died of Agent Orange, and she's supported herself all the way through nursing school since she was 15. She's very witty, got her first tattoo at the club house when she was 14 and paid for her own set of fun-bags, which she's very proud of, as you can see. She'll be a full LPN in August and ready for a new boyfriend/or Girlfriend as you'll see in her MySpace profile. I'll bet you can help her find a few one Bikernet.
Check out her MySpace page for all the personal details. And spread the word for her.
I scoffed at the guile of such an offensive offer.
What the hell had I gotten myself into?
Here I am gallivanting across Satan’s playground while a Promise Keeper’s convention is singing hymms right in my hometown. I was so ashamed and embarrassed.
Just then Layla walked in the room naked and I forgot what I was thinking.
I drank a few beers and listened to her talk about some of her homo friends before the car showed up. I was beginning to understand how girls could go for girls, there are beautiful women all around.
The car took me to an underground photo studio, and they blindfolded me on the trip. I was trying to recognize the odor emanating from the front seat, but couldn’t recall what it was. I could tell the driver was smoking, but I had never smelled anything quite like it before. The aroma smelled herbal yet sweet. I don’t know. By the time we arrived at the studio, my ears were very warm and buzzed while I had a very innate sense of calm all about me. I was hungry as shit, too.
We entered the studio and I saw this knockout being photographed. Talk about gorgeous. She had long sandy blonde hair and legs up to her neck. I was extremely impressed by her enticing glares and flaunts. She wanted me in the worst way. But I could tell from the 300 pound bodybuilders surrounding the stage that she was unapproachable for now.
I watched as she slinked and writhed all over the studio while photographers constantly snapped shots of her. The sound of camera’s snapping combined with strippers doing lines of coke began to drive me insane. I could feel my heart racing as my body began yearn for her touch. I was out of my element and started to feel uneasy. What was that bible verse? I remembered, “I can do all things…I can do all.. I can..”” What was it? Suddenly, it hit me, “I can do all because Christ said so.”
With that, I made my way to the stage to take this vixen to places she had never been before.
She would be mine and there was nothing these steroid monkeys could do about it.
God was on my side, and I was taking this girl to church, so to speak. I don’t remember who hit me first, but I do remember looking up at the group of them laughing hysterically at me. My body was numb, but my senses were still aware of what went on around me. I watched as she got dressed and left the room looking seductively over her shoulder at me.
Just as she left the room, I felt a very large set of hands pick my body up and start carrying me to the door.
They didn’t give a shit. Next thing I remembered was being in that limo eating brownies with one of the ugliest chicks I’d ever met. She thanked me for the ride and even gave me $20 for my wonderful tongue. I don’t know, I guess I must have spoken sweet nothings to her.
Bandit greeted me at the door. He was smiling wildly and looked like a distorted circus clown wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sandals. He asked me about the bike and how the shoot went.
“Bike, I didn’t see any bike?”
“What the fuck do you mean? You went to get the story on a Steed Custom Bike.”
I don’t remember no fucking bike. All I remember is Chelsea Good and how I wanted her to be bad.
I did contact the girl through her my space and was forced to find the tech sheet for the bike. Of course it’s a Steeds custom and it belongs to John Covington at Steed Musclebikes. I was blocked from Chelsea’s myspace page. I think I’m blocked from Bikernet as well. The big guy hangs up every time I call. I don’t even get the machine ANYMORE.
Till next time, keep riding and remember what’s important…titties and God. Maybe not in that order, but what the fuck do I know.
Check the tech Sheet that follows:
Owner: John Covington
Fabrication: Steed Musclebike
Assembly: John Covington
Painter: WTF Chuck at Steeds
Illustration: Rick “The Wizard” Westcott
Engine: S&S
Displacement: 124 CI
Transmission: Steed Max™ RSD 6-Speed
Gas Tank: Covington Design/ Fab By Tony Watson
Frame: Steed Monoglide®
Rake: 38 Degrees
Front End: Steed Behemoth™ Inverted
Oil Tank: Under Transmission
Seat: Steed Danny Gray
Wheels:
Front Wheel: Steed Billet 18×3.5
Rear Wheel: Steed Billet 18×10.5
Front Tire: Avon Super Venom 130×18
Rear Tire: Avon Super Venom 300×18
