Bennett’s Performance touts being the performance test bed for all-things big twin performance and handling in Long Beach, California. The team is also very involved in Bonneville Land Speed Record efforts. Unless the California Air Resources Board decides to shut down every California custom or performance shop, they will be burning rods, turning lathes, and twisting wrenches until they die.

I say, “They,” and I’m referring to Eric Bennett, the boss, and his longtime mechanic and Dad, Bob. Other technicians come and go. Plus, next-door are the men, including Jerry Branch, and John O’Keefe, who are the masters of the flow bench and headwork at the Branch O’Keefe machine shop.

All shops big and small in California live in fear of being shut down. But let’s not go there. For a few minutes let’s pretend that freedom rings in this country and our political structure loves folks who build anything from hot rods to custom motorcycles. They even support the notion that loud pipes saves lives, because it’s true. They love it that guys don’t beat their wives or do drugs, that they learn how to work with their hands and create something one-off, which they can ride to work or to Sturgis with pride. Am I dreaming or what?

Eric recently came across this 2004 Dyna and decided to research every performance resource and build himself the best hot rod Dyna on the planet, as a test project for anything performance, for Twin-Cams. He did, and we followed the process on Bikernet.com, and this is the third and last stellar episode. But wait, their could be more, according to Eric’s assessment at this point.

“I need to change the shocks,” Eric said. “They are too low and shifting the weight to the rear. I need to tighten the handling.”

Eric was pushing is Dyna onto his shop dyno as we strolled into Bennett’s Performance, a very clean and well-organized shop, a couple of weeks ago. “I wanted to dyno it one final time without a rev limiter,” he said and discovered a dyno malady. The battery was low. At about 5500 rpms the dyno results didn’t indicate a smooth transition through the gears, but jumpy results. He was dying to try again, but we were forced to take a break.

 

 

Eric now has 1978 miles on the bike since he rebuilt and upgraded the engine from 88 inches to 106. Shortly after the bike was completed and running, his dyno pulls indicated 112 hp and 119 pounds of torque, then 116 hp and 118 pounds of torque with a carb change, more miles and tuning. 

 Our discussion shifted back to handling. “At 100 it starts to wiggle,” Eric said, “There’s too much weight on the back.” He plans to install 14-inch Ohlins. Today, the lower badder look is slipping away for the jacked, terrific suspension, badass, dirt bike, café racer, SOA, go fast appearance.

We discussed the new CCE stiffer rubbermounts for Dynas, which might do the trick. “I still won’t be able to dial-in the handling as well as FXRS, like the Unknown Industry guys,” Eric said. “With my handling issues, they pulled away at just over 100 mph. The front feels fine, but I haven’t decided what to do with my number plate. Newer Dynas have additional gussets, but nothing like the FXR, period!”

He plans to black out the wheels and add Michelin tires, but he loves this engine configuration. “It’s perfect,” Eric said. “I didn’t need to machine the cases or crank up the compression. The cam isn’t radical, and I could run stock cylinders.” Jerry Branch told Eric that engines are like a combination lock. One number off and the system doesn’t work.

He’s currently looking for an ’06 or ’07 Dyna 17-inch rear wheel, and he will run a 160 tire. “It still gets 42 mpg. Reaching more than one horsepower per cubic inch with a naturally aspirated engine. It’s impressive.”

The S&S lower end contains a 4.5-inch stroke with 3 7/8-inch S&S pistons. Eric blocked the Mikuni carb out one inch to allow the air and fuel to atomize more before it reached the intake valves. “It’s a smoother delivery to the chambers,” Eric said. “We were lucky to score a set of Dave Thew heads designed for monster JIMS 116-inch motors by the Branch/O’Keefe team. This combination with 2.02 intake and 1.610 exhaust valves, and some slight porting, coupled with a Redshift .647 lift cam, and 11.5:1 compression gave Dave Thew 132 ass-kicking horsepower and 132 pounds of torque.

Dave’s bike with fat tanks and beach bars could not be beat at the drags.

I spoke to Eric’s dad who talked of his Bonneville bikes and going after a 167 mph record. Eric was the rider. “We couldn’t get over 161, but then I learned about aerodynamics. I gained 9 mph by moving the pipes inboard. We gained another 5 mph when Eric shifted his riding position and tucked one foot behind the primary.” They grabbed a record.

So, you can tell by the smell of go-fast, the posters of Burt Munro on the wall, and the Bennett record next to the counter, that this group is all about motorcycles and folks who ride hard and fast. Hang on for the next report.

Address: 1940 Freeman Ave,Signal Hill Ca, 90755

Size: 16-inchBrake calipers: Stock
Brake rotor: Lyndall
Pulley: H-D

 

VHT FLAMEPROOF COATING

VHT FlameProof Coating will renew and extend the life of any surface exposed to extremely high temperatures. This unique coating is a matte finish, silicone ceramic base widely used by the automotive industry on exhaust systems and the aerospace industry for jet engines, re-entry vehicles and other high temperature applications. VHT FlameProof Coating will withstand temperatures up to 2000°F (1093°C) and is ideal for use on headers, exhaust systems, or wherever an extreme temperature coating is needed.

Applications: Headers, Exhaust Manifolds, Piston Domes, Inside Heads

VHT FLAMEPROOF COATING does require curing and VHT includes some specific instructions on how to do this.

Curing FlameProof

VHT FlameProof Coating only attains its unique properties after correct curing (refer to instructions on the can).

Paint must be completely dry before curing
Heat to 250°F (121°C) for 30 minutes
Cool for 30 minutes
Heat to 400°F (204°C) for 30 minutes
Cool for 30 minutes

Caution: Do not exceed the temperature of the least heat tolerant component or the base metal

Paint must be completely dry before curing
Run at idle for 10 minutes
Cool for 20 minutes
Run at idle for 20 minutes
Cool for 20 minutes

Once I finished painting and curing(?) the exhaust pipe, it was time to get wrapping. J&P Cycles has a large selection of exhaust wrap to choose from in their online catalog and after looking at all the different options I decided to order the Design Engineering Inc, Titanium Exhaust Wrap Part #308-159. I also had them throw in a package of DEI’s 8-inch Stainless Steel tie wraps to secure the ends.

 

•Promotes increased flow for improved performance
•Reduces temperature & vibration breakdown
•Extremely pliable for a tight and secure wrap
•DEI HT Silicone Coating not required
•Pre-wetting roll not necessary for wrapping
•Hi-tech carbon fiber look

As usual my order from J&P Cycles showed up almost as fast as I hit the enter key on the order form. Once the wrap arrived I looked over DEI’s directions and proceeded to start wrapping the pipe.

 

I got on the horn with Atomic Bob to ask him to donate some art for the upcoming Flying Piston Benefit online auction in Daytona on March 4, 2024.
Instead of answering the question, Bob growled about those thieving sonsabitches hacking his Instagram account and were digitally squatting on his property.

He can’t DM, he can’t post directly, and he can’t get it back through Instagram. And the thieves want 250 hostage money!

I said, “250K?”

No, $250 and I won’t pay it. If I find them, they won’t do it again! After he got that off his chest, we discussed his new store. He’s now offering his original masterpieces at the Atomic Bob Shop on Facebook. And here’s a kicker—he’s drawing inspiration from the vibrant 2000s era!

2000s? During this time, Atomic Bob lived his best life with zero worries. Picture this: motorcycles, cars, cash—anything he fancied, he had it.
With a grin, the Atomic One shared, “Those were the days!”

Apparently, he use to embrace a perpetual cloud of smoke because, hey, who cared? “I was in my 20s, living the dream. But then I thought I should be a responsible adult and stick to legal stuff—like being an alcoholic,” he chuckled…

Ah, the Atomic Bob wisdom!

Atomic has since put the whiskey down and picked up the pipe. Since Ohio is now a cannabis state, he likes to kick back, relax and paint high.

If you haven’t seen Atomic Bob’s artistic style, then you are in for a treat. He seamlessly blends pinstriping, custom paint and illustration with a distinctive touch. Renowned for his imaginative creations, Atomic Bob’s art frequently features themes revolving around monsters and eyeballs, adding a unique and captivating flair to his work.
Bob then took me through a couple of his works in his Atomic Bob Store.

The first piece of art originated in 2014, was completed in Atomic Bob’s grandma and grandpa’s basement. His girlfriend Kelly had kicked him out for the last time and got him locked up as well.

“I was feeling down as I paged through a magazine and saw this T-Bird,” explained Atomic. “I had this building down by the railroad tracks. I decided I was going to call it Atomic Dice Custom Paint. This T-Bird was going to be my new logo. I remember I was mad because I had to start my life over yet again, get sober and blah, blah, blah.”

The T-Bird was drawn in-between fights and arguments and all kinds of chaos, including yelling and smoking cigarettes late into the night.

“The lucky boy or girl out there who gets this can honestly light it on fire and dance naked in the dark,” said Bob.

Another interesting piece is an original autobiographical art piece of Atomic Bob’s ‘51 DeSoto. His lead sled was slammed with exhaust coming out of the rear quarter panel.

This framed piece fell on his head when the cops came to arrest him, while slamming him against the wall. He reframed it, of course, but you can still see little slices in the parchment where the cops stepped on the art.

“When you’re an alcoholic for so long as I was, there’s a lot of moments I missed. I actually stare at things in order for shit to start to come back to me,” explained Atomic.

And that’s where the story gets cool. So, when somebody buys this, it will be like, “Oh man, the artists got arrested, the damn thing fell on him, and it was stomped by a cop. What’s not to like?”

“So, I’m living in the 2000s with my music. Feeling the good vibes. Smoking pot and taking care of myself,” Bob said. “I am grateful for what I have. I’m not abusing my body.”

“The medical industry might be able to fix me, but I can tell you right now, I’m not going to make it worse because I ultimately have to make money with my hands and my arms and everything.”

 

BIG FRIG – https://bigfrig.com/
FLYING PISTON BENEFIT – https://flyingpistonbenefit.com/
ATOMIC BOB SHOP – https://www.facebook.com/groups/1324617964909190

Even as X440 takes on the local behemoth Royal Enfield, the global two-wheeled giant Hero MotoCorp’s Mavrick 440 was unveiled in India at Hero World 2024.

Based on the Harley-Davidson X440, it features a power-roadster design philosophy and will be available for bookings in February 2024.

The Mavrick was co-developed in association with Harley-Davidson and is based on the X440. Available in five colour options, across variants, dealerships will accept bookings from February 2024 with deliveries beginning April 2024.

Harley-Davidson X440 and Mavrick 440 share the same engine and trellis frame. Yet it looks drastically different and may not appeal to those who loved the X440 design derived from Harley-Davidson XR1200.

Mavrick 440 will likely compete well against those left behind by the X440, including the big four Japanese brands. In all of this, the other retro-cruisers such as recently announced Honda CB350 and Jawa Forty-two and the Roadsters from Yezdi and TVS seem lost in the noise, with less brand appeal and even less after-sales expectations.

Find out the detailed specs, features and updates at
https://www.heromotocorp.com/en-in/motorcycles/Mavrick.html

With the launch of Mavrick 440, the buyers of Harley-Davidson X440 might also breathe a sigh of relief as the doubt for after-sales-service and parts might get resolved. Hopefully, H-D’s franchising strategy with Hero and Chinese QJ Motors (for China market) is a long-term strategy. I doubt if Harley-Davidson will again disappear overnight —since Hero has engaged so much resources, it is likely a tight, well-planned partnership.

* * * *

33rd Annual Vintage and Antique Motorcycle Auction by Mecum Auction at Las Vegas

January 24-27, 2024

ADDRESS
South Point Hotel & Casino
9777 Las Vegas Blvd S
Las Vegas, NV 89183

VIEW LOTS: https://www.mecum.com/auctions/las-vegas-motorcycles-2024/lots/

FOOD & BEVERAGE
The South Point Hotel & Casino offers a variety of favorites and local cuisine. Food and beverage stands are located throughout the facility.

Payment Options
Cash and credit or debit cards are accepted.

RV/CAMPINGRV/CAMPING
Camping on-site at the South Point Casino is not allowed. Campgrounds are available in the area and individuals are encouraged to check local listings for more information.

MOTORCYCLE SHIPPING
Whether you’re consigning your motorcycle or purchasing a new one, HaulBikes Motorcycle Transportation will deliver your bike safely to its new home! Contact HaulBikes at 888-HAULBIKES today. View rate information.

ROAD ART SHIPPING
Navis Pack & Ship
6185 S Valley View Blvd, Suite L
Las Vegas, NV 89118
lasvegas@gonavis.com or (702)494-9616

*All Road Art must be retrieved by 12:00 PM on Sunday, January 28. Any remaining items will be shipped via our preferred shipping company at the winning bidders expense.

ACCESSIBILITY
Scooter & Wheelchair Rental Information
Personal wheelchairs and mobility scooters are allowed. No on-site rental options are available.

Golf Carts
Personal golf carts are prohibited.

PETS
For the safety and comfort of both pets and people, the admittance of any and all animals is prohibited at every Mecum event, unless the pet is a service animal under the federal guidelines of the Americans with Disabilities Act or similar state or local laws.

LOST & FOUND
To report a lost item, please contact us at (262) 275-5050 or email info@mecum.com.

TV Schedule: Friday, Jan. 26 from noon to 5 p.m. (Live on MotorTrend+) and Saturday, Jan. 27 from noon to 5 p.m. (Live on MotorTrend+) (All times Pacific)

* * * *
Tell ’em Bikernet.com sent ya !

COLORADO MOTORCYCLE EXPO 2024

JANUARY 27, 2024 – 9:00am – 7:00pm
JANUARY 28, 2024 – 9:00am – 4:00pm

AT THE NATIONAL WESTERN COMPLEX IN DENVER

GET TICKETS https://www.coloradomotorcycleexpo.com/

Saturday Ticket = $25
Sunday Ticket = $20

Due to parking restrictions, we are unable to offer VIP tickets this year.

$2 discount for Military and 65+ (with proper ID at the door only)
Children 12 and under are free

A MOTORCYCLE EVENT YOU DON’T WANT TO MISS…

LARGEST INDOOR MOTORCYCLE SWAP MEET IN AMERICA!

The expansive venue, spanning 300,000 square feet, accommodates up to 800 vendor booths and swap meet tables. We welcome vendors of diverse varieties, ensuring you’ll find exactly what you’re looking for.

LARGEST MOTORCYCLE SHOW IN THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN REGION
Showcasing approximately 100 bikes vying for top honors in up to 20 categories, the Colorado Motorcycle Expo stands as the largest and premier motorcycle show in the Rocky Mountain region.

USED MOTORCYCLES FOR SALE IN THE CORRAL
Explore our selection of available used bikes for sale, or bring your own to sell. Join us for an incredible opportunity to present your bike to a vibrant audience of thousands!

LIVE MUSIC, ENTERTAINMENT, AND SO MUCH MORE
Experience the energy of live bands, captivating solo acts, engaging adult activities, a dedicated kid’s zone, and much more. There’s something for everyone!

* * * *

Tell ’em Bikernet.com sent ya !

Editor’s Note: We’ve stared at wonderful boobs with longing and allure all our lives. We’ve become aroused by the sight of tender nipples showing through a shear blouse. We could be in the worst imaginable conditions, on a sinking ship, in a blizzard or a war zone, and the sight and notion of touching the golden orbs transforms us. Suddenly we’re in a warm and tender place away from all the chaos life throws at us.

Sam Burns inspired me the other day, when he sent me a magnificent assemblage of beautiful women images. We couldn’t let them linger in a file without showing respect and love. Enjoy.

The Boob Transformation

Jimmy worked in a Junkyard. Scruffy and filthy, his boots covered in grease, he mounted his Sportster and rode home, where he cleaned up the best he could. Partially balding, with a slight beard and the same flannel and vest he wore for 20 years he mounted his scooter. With a pocket fulla ones he road to Ship Wreck Joey’s the only titty bar in the industrial port town.

With one beer he sipped all night he sat in front of a curtain-wrapped stage and waited patiently for Rosa, the Hispanic goddess to move with old R&B tunes around her polished brass pole. Jimmy was her biggest fan and not only for her magnificent round, soft as silk boobs, but she smiled with those big dark eyes at him like she was his long lost love and he had just returned from war.

From time to time on slow nights with limited action they would find themselves in a booth under dim pink lights. She leaned back against the faux leather interior and let him touched her softness. He could cuddle against her warmth, smell her Chanel perfume and know all was well in a world where milk and honey seemed so distant. Always enough to keep him going until the next time, he rode home with a smile on his face.

The Cure for Violence

Snake, rode a fast FXR. Every day of his life was on edge. He dealt drugs for a cartel he never saw, but if they didn’t like how he did something he paid a heavy price.

As paranoid as a black lab crossing a wide, unlit, asphalt highway, Snake went about his business running drugs to various bike clubs along the coast. Everything about his trapped existence smelled of treachery. No one trusted him and he trusted no one.

Daily he rode to the ghetto for his stash and to turn in the profits. Every day, his life was threatened by the cartel. Menaced while splitting lanes in bumper to bumper traffic, he watched closely for the Man and then his club guys customers. With narrow shades, a black leather vest, black long-sleeve shirt with pearl buttons, he packed constantly, rode fast and tried to keep his club connections to one man per MC.

Everything about his life was hard, fast and packed with deceitfulness, except for her. No one knew and he didn’t dare mention her to anyone, but when times were tough and he was forced to pull his stiletto, there was one room filled with solace, comfort, warmth and love.

Only with her could he nuzzle against her mounds of joy and forget his life completely. Her softness, those golden nipples, her warmth and her lips so precious each kiss took him to a world of peace, warmth and trust. Her baby blues locked with his dark eyes and he was transformed. They spoke little, he held her close and hope returned.

A Woman’s Understanding

Laurie moved around her apartment in a daze. Her life wasn’t packed with security or even a modicum of joy. She worked a minimum wage job and struggled with her faltering health. Her little VW bug coughed and sputtered on her way to work. She attended her evangelistic church twice a week, once on Sunday for the half day of barking sermons and Wednesday nights for bible classes. Even though she strained financially, she tithed and prayed constantly.

But once a week, she caught the rumble of a motorcycle entering her street. Loud and powerful the Shovelhead chopper sounded like a locomotive and her life suddenly changed. Here religion made her question her involvement with this biker as she listened for his engineer boots against the wooden steps. But she couldn’t deny the sensation, the tingle or her hardening nipples.

She freshened her make-up, tossed her hair and unbuttoned her blouse. Her boobs were large magnificent orbs of heavenly softness and as soon as he touched them her world changed for the better. Her large amber nipples called out to him erect and tingling.

The dichotomy was amazing as his rough exterior stood before her, long shaggy hair, full beard, rough black leathers and filth. His hands calloused from oil field work, his boots grimy, but his eyes were clear and warm. He looked at her angelic softness, her dreamy gaze, her rosy cheeks and kissed her deeply. It was as if he had no business being in her glowing heavenly presence, but as he removed her blouse and ran his hands alongside her magnificent softness and touched her nipples, she nearly climaxed.

For long moments they were both transformed from the struggles of life and the violence of the streets to the most natural Nirvana on the planet.

For days after he left, she could shower, close her eyes, run her hands down her mounds of joy, touch her stimulated nipples and remember that there really is heaven on earth.

The First Touch

A small baby boy was born on a mattress in the basement of a tenement house in East Prussia, Poland in September of 1939 as Germany invaded.

From September 1 to October 5 Germans shelled Pomerania. Polish soldiers were out gunned and held no chance of fending off the attack from the Nazi reign of terror. Natalia stood 5’6” tall and slim, she cleaned herself, grabbed her new baby and fled to the streets barefoot wearing a silk slip and a tarnished cotton dress.

Several local women helped her and insisted that she stay, but Natalia refused, made a satchel of torn garments and scarves to hang the baby around her neck in a sling nestling between her boobs. She made her way into the streets, not knowing where to go or where she would find their next meal.

Tanks rumbled over cobblestone lanes leveling homes and buildings at their whim. Rubble stacked as buildings crumbled and burst into flames. Screams and explosions filled the air, but the baby remained silent wrapped securely and tucked between her breasts. She moved quickly away from the action into alleys and side streets hoping to escape the melee.

At one point as the sun set, she untucked the child, kissed his forehead and looked into the smoke filled sky as the fleeting sun glimmered through the plumes of black soot. “I’m naming you Alek from Aleksander the defender of mankind,” she muttered, covered his face and pressed him to her ample breasts.

Less than three weeks passed and a 150-pound bomb collided with the building where Natalia attempted to sleep with her newborn. Leaving everything behind she scrambled out of the rubble surrounded by flying debris and clouds of concrete dust, her baby nestled carefully between her bouncing boobs. Covered in dirt, scratched and torn by the shrapnel she finally discovered a clearing in the rainy muck where she unleashed one of her massive boobs and allowed Alek to suckle his breakfast.

His meals, constant and unwavering came right on time, then he closed his delicate eyes to the turmoil and fell asleep in the torn satchel between the unchanging warmth of her boobs. Another month passed as she attempted to avoid capture by the Nazis.

Natalia finally found herself hidden by a family in their barn. For a few days she experienced meager comfort and regular food. A warm new-to-her sweater hung on her shoulders. Hand-me-down shoes secured her feet and she was afforded a place to bathe along with Alek.

He didn’t understand the wetness, the warmth or the smell of smoke, but for the first time his mother smelled different, delicate and even softer as he touched her bare skin. Two days later, in the barn, gun-fire exploded. Screams filled the air with angry barks from men. Suddenly he was torn from his mother’s grasp and flung onto a pile of hay.

He heard her scream, then plead, but then more gunfire, groans and quiet. He wondered, barely two months old what had happened. Wrapped, unable to see, for the first time the warmth, the touch of her soft flesh and the beating of her heart was gone.

His mind whirled with emotion but he dare not scream. He attempted to reach, and then he heard her sobbing as she picked him up, pushed the hay particles away and hugged him close. She uncovered his face and he could see her tears. Saved from potential rape, she placed the satchel strap over her head once more and cupped him in her secure cleavage.

He reached out and touched the soft flesh of her boob and felt the warmth. Her beating heart slowed and once again he was at peace.

Prison Blues

Prison officers pushed big, buffed Samson in shackles into his new home in cell block number 9 at Folsom Prison. It was all a mistake but he knew it was the unrelenting condition of his outlaw life.

Samson 6’4” and 240 pounds of solid muscle took Knock-Out, his babe for life to an upscale restaurant in Downtown San Francisco. The town switched from romance and seaside views to a mini-3rd World country overlooking the San Francisco Bay.

Why anyone voted for destruction of one of the most picturesque cities in the world was beyond the big guy as he led his petite girl behind the guiding matri’d to their table.

Knock-out also trained and looked as hot as a smoking pistol in a form fitting, black, silk gown that hugged every elegant curve as if spray painted with a pearlescent touch enhanced every delicious shape. Every guy in the joint noticed. Her soft as satin boobs spilled over the split neckline cut to the edge of her tender areolas.

Their perfect evening interrupted by homeless and drug addicts in the streets calmed in the soft, candle-enhance dining room as she slipped into the booth. Samson sat down across from her, when a tall slippery sort stepped up and opened his white sport coat to reveal a .45 Ivory-handled, semi-auto in a hand tooled waist band holster.

“Man, she looks fine enough to eat,” Ricky the 6-foot mafia sort, with slick black hair and polished pointed shoes said.

Samson began to get to his feet.

“Not a good move,” Ricky said and pressed on Samson’s massive shoulder with his right ringed hand and started to reach for the Colt in his waistband with his left.

“You failed your homework assignment,” Samson said, grabbed a polished silver fork and drove it into Ricky’s thigh.

Rick the scumbag from Chicago, who thought he could move to Frisco and take advantage of the open drug scene didn’t know the history he faced. Samson, an ex-1%er for over two decades held Knock-out’s hand in High School. They were meant for each other.

As they grew, trained, fought, built and moved forward in life, they became like a team for good and against evil. Samson stood abruptly. Rick stumbled back, grabbing for the semi-auto, he looked down at Knock-out’s succulent cleavage. Big mistake.

Samson blocked the weapon with his right hand, rolled his palm until the pistol turned into a Judo move breaking Ricky’s thumb. Samson dropped the weapon and hit Ricky in the neck with an open palm.

Usually, that was it. Ricky would fall to the floor and crawl back to his table, but he was dead before he hit the carpet.

Samson recognized his wide eyes and motioned for Knock-out to follow, but before they reached the bottom stairs for the exit, cops surrounded the building and Samson was ultimately convicted of 2nd degree murder.

Unshackled, and given a manilla envelope he sat on his cell bunk and opened it. It contained his sentencing materials signed by the judge. A few personal affects, like his watch, a pen, a pad of lined legal paper and an 8-by-10 shot of Knock-out. He smiled and set the photograph above his stainless steel mirror.

The black-and-white photo of her smiling face and those magnificent boobs were all he needed to survive five years in Folsom, fighting punks, drug addicts, slippery sons-a-bitches, anything and anyone. He’d survive and her nipples would wait for him on the outside. It didn’t matter what they threw at him, her image would remind him of the soft warmth in her arms.

The Bad Boob

As a teenager, mentally badgered in youth, Vickie acclimated to more tomboy characteristics and dodged the female code of softness. An angry countenance enveloped her being. Constantly on guard, she grew up tall and angular, but then recognized the power of her fine feminine side and her own unrelenting sexual desire. She couldn’t get enough.

She trained and worked waiting tables for enough cash to buy a set of bolt-ons. From that day forward her life changed. She used those torpedo boobs to her advantage, although the rest of her wasn’t much to shout about. She tried Botox lips, but then couldn’t kiss passionately.

She enjoyed sex, often but mostly for personal gain. She worked men into a boob frenzy then took from them and moved on.

She banged her way through several relationships, fucked her bosses then extorted from them, destroyed their families and got them fired.

She missed the mammary memo at a young age. As she matured her looks waned, her wanton slipped and her emotional well-being was left without the cherished love her boobs were capable of enhancing in her life.

Bada-bing!

Science, Technology and the American Advertising Industry Saving the Earth, the Forest and your Butthole, one Sheet of Shit-Paper at a time.

Charmin toilet paper has boldly altered the perforations that separate one “sheet” from the next, changing them from straight-line perforations, an example of which would graphically look like this, into CURVED perforations, resulting in a torn edge that looks like…

Ok, there’s no way I can show that on the keyboard apparently. You know what the letter S looks like? Rotate that 90 degrees. And then kinda stretch it out. Kinda like to where it looks like a gentle undulation from one end of the torn sheet to the other. A sort of kind of like the visual depiction of a soft tone of a gentle bell, or ripples in a quiet pond or a rolling kind of hilly road on a country byway on a spring day.

Researching this matter I have learned that this is “smooth-tear technology.” Smooth-tear technology is the result of thousands, or maybe just one, letter of incredible angst and suffering regarding something called the “errant remnant” that occurs (I am guessing one in ten trillion times) enough to where apparently, unlike the eradication of American Culture, people won’t tolerate it any longer.

Apparently when people take the time to write to toilet paper manufacturers, the number one (haha I would call it the number two. But that’s just me)…apparently the number one complaint is the, “useless remnant experience.”

The “useless remnant experience” is apparently so fucking heinous that Charmin, in a gesture of almost saintly selflessness, has created the, “scalloped separation advancement.”

A Google search will reveal that every journalist with a byline at a, “major news entity” has, “reported” on this technological extermination of the “useless remnant experience,” using as validation of the revolutionary aspects of this achievement the official statements from the border-collie-like bright and eager official-statement-makers from Charmin: the corporate chieftains via their ad agency. It’s almost as though these stock-watching high-achievers and everyone in the press, are convinced this renovation of the tear-aspect of their toilet paper is just a shade less earth-shaking than the discovery of an anti-gravity propulsion system. Jesus coming down from the clouds to usher-in the Millennium will not be getting this much journalistic coverage as the Charmin Shitpaper Severance Simplifier is generating.

You see, according to the many many Pulitzer Prize seeking journalists quoting Charmin executives and not claiming to have done any personal research themselves into the matter, the PROBLEM with old fashioned, prehistoric Pleistocene toilet paper like what YOU’RE probably using…the problem is NOT having the shit-sheet come apart in a waveform manner: or in other words in a scollopine undulationary vibrational motif; rather than just a shearing, don’t-give-a-fuck manner….the PROBLEM is that it wastes paper. A small piece falls off. A piece that never gets to touch your dung– And therefor becomes sad.

But this new revolutionary dotted-line technology eliminates that episode of sadness and SAVES PAPER!

You WANT to save paper when you shit. I am sure you know this. When you shit the conservation of the roll is where your attention is when you spin that motherfucker around the center-dowel and those snakelike unravellings come a-speeding off the roll…when you finally decide that the pile of ass-swathing in your mitts is big enough to absorb all the ass-slather that is adhering like a cooling mudflow around your anal canal. You want that tear of the last sheet off the roll to be right on the perforation. And not in some halfway, who knows where, who gives a fuck location on the sheet resulting in the next shitting occupant dropping his drawers, squatting on the bowl, spraying a brown gunnite-like holocaust into the toilet, and then him reaching for the toilet paper in joy and happiness only to find that the FIRST sheet has half of itself missing. You talk about rage and fury and frustration.

Well Charmin has basically obliterated this problem. Your rages and frustrations will have to go and find for themselves some other outlet because the CEO’s and Corporate Directors and Research and Development PhD’s at Charmin Pre-Suppository Prevention Laboratories have scalloped the tear-parameters of your next reach toward the shit-shunter paper on that wobbly bathroom fixture next to you. Yessir, you are looking at calm days ahead. If you think I am just writing fiction like a common journalist, let’s go to Fox News, a place where all its fans are convinced it’s not just another commie, collectivist stronghold.

https://www.fox9.com/news/charmin-revolutionizes-toilet-paper-design-a-game-changer-in-bathroom-comfort

There are dozens of really huge news entities reporting on this, all of them with respectful, dutiful litanies of identical sentences and not a trace of – what I would consider to be essential regarding this “news:” namely – mandatory snark. But there is none.The fact is, as long as the hack gets to see his name attached to a piece of paper or a piece of computer screen in a professional forum. He doesn’t care what he says or what some editor changes what he says into. Not that editors need to monitor their hacks: they all think exactly alike on all political or social or philosophical matters. So, yeah, this is big identical news in a lot of majorly places.

But you, I know, want to get back to the exciting reality of this new shit eraser and I know what you’re asking, “Does the new aspect of the earth-aware tear footprint separating one sheet from the rest affect the actual paper-against-shit accrual aspect at all?” In other words, does the new galloping scalloping cause the toilet paper to gather LESS shit or MORE shit onto itself than does – or did – the old, technology-barren, straightline-torn, now-outdated, toilet paper of long ago? That is, is it better as a shit-accruer? Or is it in fact worse. Or is there no difference? I MUST know!

Well, turns out, THIS is not a question of any particular interest to a “news-gathering” entity because I am GUESSING that gathering-news personnel – already being shit-deep in shit as they already are – why would they have any curiosity about something LESS shit-gathering than they are themselves, namely toilet paper?

Journalists likely – I am guessing – see toilet paper as some sort of inferior, junior varsity level of shit gatherer, not worthy of a lot of scrutiny over and above the official announcements made by the valiant creators of the sections that exist between the sheets that have less sheeting in them when torn.

Sheets for shits – to a professional journalist – is Amateur Hour to a REAL shit-sheet employee, say at The New York Times or Reuters-Rhymes-With-Goiters or Bloomberg or The Washington Post or The Huffington or David Muir Rhymes With Coiffeur. Toilet paper is small potatoes, petulance-wise, to A Major News Source compared to the foul fecal-fumed fundament-like essence of the Major News Source itself.

However I am a journalist of a more noble sort. I do not just accept toilet paper innovations and renovations and ass-salvations just on the words of a CEO most likely written by a copywriter at an ad agency. In fact for all I know the ad agency itself might have actually come up with the idea of perforating the sheets into waveforms rather than straight lines. For the CEO to take the credit is well within the traditional agreements between ad agencies and their clients. In fact ad agencies are EXPECTED to come up with bullshit proclamations, I mean innovative solutions to eternally vexing problems such as this one regarding how best to install separation protocol parameters between sheets of toilet paper.

APPARENTLY the fact that one sheet of toilet paper by itself is absolutely useless for ANYTHING, forget about shearing shit shards off an ass…is never isolated as a topic and set down in the center of a toilet paper manufacturer board meeting as a long-overdue candidate for discussion and debate. One sheet of toilet paper is about as useless as a Kamala Harris translation dictionary: no one on earth knows what she’s saying and no one on earth knows what one sheet of toilet paper could possibly be good for.

You couldn’t wipe the ass of a centipede with one sheet of toilet paper. I know what you’re saying: a centipede has five dozen back legs so it has five dozen crotches which means it has five dozen assholes. This changes nothing in my opinion. In fact, it would make things worse. And let me tell you something pal – you really need to think this shit out before you go on one of these little hoity-toity tears of yours, dragging centipedes into this. Speaking of tears.

Where the fuck was I? Thanks a lot sparky.

Since I am the only journalist in a handful who actually CARES about things, I decided to do some actual asses-on research via the Troll Ops, a Harley, Triumph chopped motorcycle fraternity in Panamint City, referenced here at this website in a previous article. To those of you who insist that Panamint City in Ca. is off limits to casual or serious human habitation as mandated and ordered by one or more Congressionally Approved entities, the Troll Ops are aware of that.

In sort of nearby Ballarat there is a sort of a saloon that is sort of off-limits to State law enforcement for reasons I won’t go into because, frankly, those reasons have nothing to do with toilet paper. Ballarat Ratty, the owner, wasn’t there but his daughter, Vulpina, she was there. Vulpina looks clearly reptilian. But She’s Ballarat Ratty’s daughter and he gets to name her whatever the fuck he wants, I guess.

I asked her if she used Charmin in the restroom. She said “Haha, the restroom? You mean the toilet over there where that guy’s sitting?”

I said “Yeah: there Charmin on that roll?”

She said “Hold on,” and bent into the bar and came back up with a ledger and opened it and flipped a page or two and leaned-in and read something and straightened back up again and looked at me and said “No. Scott-issue.”

I said “You fold a sheet of Scott-issue in fourths and hold it pinched at the corner you can cut glass with it.”

She said, “Are you going to have a fucking drink? Or are you just gonna stand there, drool through your missing teeth, interrogate the House’s inventory policies and tell me what toilet papers can and can’t do.”

I said, “How about I do all of them and you give me two shots of colorless tequila that are a couple of grades higher than Hornitos.”

She said, “We got that. But it’s gonna cost ya.”

I said “Do you know who I am?”

She said, “No. But I know who yer GONNA be: the next in line at the coronor’s you don’t stop fuckin’ with me.”

I said, “Well, look, here’s the deal: I need to have someone test some toilet paper for me cause I’m writing an article for Bikernet.com.”

She said “They still exist?”

I said, “Yeah, look, this is actually important..”

She manifested an eye-to-eye glare that had shortening-someone’s-lifespan written all over it and she said, “You’re writing something for Bikernet…..and it’s important.”

“Yes, that’s correct!” I said with actually a grin of enthusiasm.

She said “In what universe did you come from that you think the words ‘Bikernet’ and ‘important’ can exist in the same sentence.”

We gazed at each other for a long time, her lookin’ at me with hatred and me lookin’ at her with curiosity at whether I could actually take her in a bar fight. It seemed to me even odds. But I said “You’ve broached an issue that has been being discussed and argued for 25 years. We’re not gonna settle this here. It’s too noisy for one thing.

“Listen: Charmin claims it is slicing its shitter sheets a new revolutionary way that is a marvel of American Exceptionalism and that is the rival of the invention of the airplane. I need to have some experiments conducted.”

She kind of leaned back. “Oh! Why didn’t you say so? How can I help?”

I said “You gut any patrons here who need to take a shit?”

She said, raising an index finger and already starting to walk off, ”You stay right there, Sweetie,” and she hustled down to the other end and bent into the bar and came up with a mike and turned to the drink-bottle array and turned off a switch and suddenly the extremely very old school Country music stopped that had a LOT of the men who had been sitting all by themselves, all hangdog and forlorn, suddenly sit upright and look around perplexed.

The barkeep, whose name it actually was, being My Pal Sal, she said into the mike and now facing the quiet patrons said, “Anyone here need to take a crap real bad?”

Couple of hands went up.

She went on: “I gut a guy here says he needs to test a hi-poth-a-noose. Says he claims Charmin has uttered in a new age of shitterosity by cuttin’ the papers off each other different. He needs to test it.”

Someone shouted, “Who cares how its fuckin’ cut off! Long as there’s a-fuckin’ NUFF of it! That’s a DUMB test!”

My Pal Sal said, “What would be a BETTER test of toilet paper, Einstein??”

There was a long silence while the fellow buried his fingers into his whiskers, thinking. Someone yelled out excited, “COLOR????”

A third man turned toward the man who yelled that and said, clearly annoyed and said, “Like, what: brown? Dark brown?”

The other guy thought a minute and then said with some assurance, “Yeah. Brown mebbe.”

The third guy, now clearly exasperated said, “ How would you even know if you GOT any shit on the peper if the paper was already dark brown: touch sections of it with your fingers? When you hit a slick part you’d go ‘Yeah, ok, that part’s shit.’ You really think that’s a good idea?…..’tactile-test toilet paper??”

A fourth guy shouted, “Shape? Maybe round sheets??”

The guy that suggested colored paper said “My shit is usually a kind of runny yellow. With red clumps mixed in. Usually. So I could actually use brown toilet paper. Probly wouldn’t be a problem.”

I had to admire the attitude of some of the patrons. They were clearly trying to cooperate and get into this.

Gesturing to My Pal Sal to hand me the mike I took it and began to amble away from the bar and start explaining the situation.

“I think most of you know who I am and know that I never intrude myself into everyone else’s drinking and relaxation and in some cases morose memories from a life of lost love and lost opportunities courtesy of the in-house melodies and lyrical iterations of depression courtesy of Tex Ritter, Spade Cooley, Doye Odell and Tennessee Ernie.”

“WHO EVEN ARE THESE PEOPLE???!!!”

I looked at the fellow that said that and said, “Legends. Legends, my friend. Legends of travail and hardship and endurance: pioneers in the painting of the American Spirit in song: the spirit of fair-play….kindness to women and children….the gentle balm of drunken oblivion…..and trust in the Lord.” You could have heard a pin drop.

“Oh,” he said finally from out of the silence. “Oh, ok.”

The room now mine to command, I said, “But the reason I’m here is not to amble down the musical road of bad-memories lane where fighting to keep the corn crop from rotting or singing about whether Pappa Clem will die of the rabies and how will we survive if he dies or tuneful inquiries about whether my wife will understand that I love her but ‘Joline At fifteen’ is wearin’ a real thin short dress and no underwear…

“I LOVE THAT SONG!!” someone screamed excitedly.

“But rather I am here to conduct a toilet paper test involving a few volunteers to take a shit over there on the toilet. Does the toilet flush?” I asked loudly, looking around.

“Sometimes,” someone said.

I said, “Sometimes meaning sometimes just today? Or sometimes every few months or so.”

Everyone kind of looked at me, a few people looked at each other and then someone said, “We have lives, you know. We’re not toilet inventorians.”

“This is the only toilet in 20 square miles,” I said annoyed: “You don’t know if it fucking flushes right or not?”

Someone yelled, “Do you see any fucking shit on the floor?”

I looked around and then said, “No, I don’t seem to see any.”

“Then what’s this fucking test and when is it going to fucking start?” The same guy said.

“Ok!” I said excitedly. “Here’s the deal!…Charmin is claiming to have improved their toilet paper.”

Everyone looked up from what they were doing and some left their present locations to quietly move closer and give me their full attention.

I went on, “They’ve altered the separation anomalies of their toilet paper that defines one sheet from another.”

There was an audible but unintelligible murmur among them all, all looking at each other and then silence and looking back at me. “The old tear-footprint was basically the same thing as ‘printing’ and the new one is basically ‘cursive.’ Cursive is like curvy writing like what your parents did.”

“I’VE SEEN THAT!!” someone shouted, standing up and then sitting down. I said, “The CLAIM is that when you tear it…it always tears right across the separation-enabler-perforations. Or, ya know, the tear-place.”

“Toilet paper ALWAYS does that!!” Someone hollered.

I had to admit to myself that this was in fact how it had always seemed to me as well. However this news item had made to the “this just in!” department of every news entity in America. It HAD to be meaningful, was my conclusion.

“I need some people, men, women, I don’t think it matters to use the toilet paper, to take a shit and then use some Charmin. Is there Charmin presently on the roll?”

“No, it’s Scott!” someone shouted.

“God help us,” I said.”Do you keep a rectal-scrapage expert physician on hand during operating hours in that case?” I inquired.

“Yes!!” everyone shouted.

“Divine intervention has brought me here this day,” I announced solemnly. “Our efforts have the approval of On High. This is a holy moment. I have brought some rolls of Charmin: both the old cut and the new cut.”

“WHEN’S THE GODDAMN SHITTING START??????” someone hollered.

“As soon as the rolls are changed,” I assured the fellow.

“Someone take the Scott off and take it outside and put it on a chair in the sand and use it to test the flattening aspects of various steel-jacketed hollow points which is its intended purpose anyway as far as I’m concerned.”

The New And Vastly Improved Charmin having been installed, the first shitter was a fellow named…well maybe his name isn’t necessary. He took what he insisted was a hearty dump and he got up into kind of a bent over squat and we, some of us, took a looksee, and he had a pretty good collection of dung coilage in there and we had him sit back down and get busy with the Charmin.

He spun the roll and got a good ten or twenty feet of toilet paper collected in one hand and then I said, “Ok, tear it off.”

He gave it a good yank and sure enough it was a clear wavy progression of edge both on the section in his hand and the section on the roll.

“Ok, you’re done!” I said.

“What about wiping?” He said.

“Oh, I don’t care about the wiping. Just the tearing of the paper,” I said.

He said “Why is the fucking tearing of the goddamn sheet more important than if the part you actually removed from the roll does or doesn’t clean your fucking ass?”

I said “….What?…..” a bit confused.

He bellowed “WHO THE FUCKING CARES HOW IT MOTHERFUCKING TEARS!”

I went into a slight trance. Almost a reverie. Even though he was still sitting on the toilet, his pants down past his knees, I went forward towards him and bending down, I firmly gripped each shoulder as he looked up at me with an expression I interpreted as him deciding whether or not to extract the Bowie knife from his cascaded trousers and ram it into my abdomen.

I said, quietly and in awe, “You are a genius.”

“I am?” he said, in a sudden reversal of expression from feral to perplexed.

I proclaimed, “That is the entire makings of a rival product’s advertising campaign! ‘Who the fucking cares…. how it motherfucking tears” is how a rival toilet paper company, even Scott, could combat the campaign of Charmin’s ‘we’re saving the earth and your ass too’ toilet paper’ mantra. Even though, if you ask me, it’s actually thinner than the straight-line-cut paper. It’s almost transparent. Seems to me you would need twice as much to get the same amount of shitsmear on the wad once you pulled it around to take a look at it.

“Anyway what you have created sitting here on the hitter, over and above the shit itself, is the slogan ‘who the fucking cares how it motherfucking tears.’ In fact the only thing missing from ‘Who the fucking cares….how it motherfucking tears’ are the words Burma Shave.”

“You wanna take your hands off my shoulders?” the guy said, kind of like in an ultimatum tone.

“Oh! Sure!” I said, backing away. “Sorry! I went kind of into a trance.”

“You really think I’m a genius?“ the guy said, now actually wiping his ass.

“I do indeed, my friend. I do indeed.”

“You gonna steal my slogan?” He inquired blandly, flushing and then unravelling another handload of wavy-cut toilet paper and readministering about a balled-up pound of it down and around his cheek and up into his ass.

“Well I’m sure somebody is, sooner or later.” I said.

“Pisser,” the guy said, flushing and hauling another truckload of paper off the roll.

“Is it still tearing cleanly?” I asked, remembering why I was there in the first place.”

“Fuck if I know,” the guy said, going under and up once again. “And like I say: who the fuck cares.”

I said, “Well….the Charmin CEO apparently cares. And the World Press, apparently cares. Oh, and remember, ‘who the fucking cares how it motherfucking tears’ is a pretty good idea for a rival shitpaper-outfit commercial. You’re quite the Madison Avenue Grey Flannel Suit dude.”

The fellow said, “Well who the fuck DOES care how it tears.” I looked at him pathetically since I now realized the beauty of a properly torn Charmin shit-magnet. “The Earth cares, my friend. The Earth cares.”

The fellow blurted, “The earth cares how I wipe my ass! Is that what you’re saying?”

“Her name is Gaia,” I said benevolently, suddenly filled with CEO wisdom. He looked at the new large wad of about fifty sheets of toilet paper in his mitt, one of the sheets torn cleanly in a sine-wave undulation and said, ”At least I don’t have a leftover shard of paper as a result of an errant bisection of the roll,” saying this with some obvious sincerity. “And that alone is gonna save me a ton of money,” he added redirecting the giant wad to underneath his ass and starting the shit-removal process. “Gonna need another two or three yards o’ this paper ‘fore I’m done with THIS job,” he said. “Chili, sauerkraut, cabbage, plum pie and Bud Lite: gonna have a lotta surprises comin’ out my butthole THIS day,” he added.

“You drink enough Bud Lite you’re butthole’s gonna have a lotta surprises goin’ the OTHER direction too,” I said reassuringly, heading back toward the bar.

“Don’t need THAT HAHAHAHA!!” he yelled as I moved off.

Someone came up to me excitedly and practically stammered, “What if the roll of toilet paper had the curvy serrations going up the middle of the roll instead from side to side??”

I actually thought about this for a very long time. At last and finally I said, “Well, I’m thinkin’ it’s pretty obvious, and I could be wrong, but you would only have two sheets per roll in that case. Two real long ones. PLUS you take two dumps?…. in two days you’d need another roll.”

He said, “Wouldn’t the CEO of Charmin, though, see that as a good idea? Based on their sudden track record of what they see as good ideas? Which is: seeing really stupid ideas as good ideas. I mean, they’re going to outstrip Disney if they keep this up.”

I was on the phone to Proctor&Gamble in two seconds. The Use Just Twice roll was about to be born–J.J. Solari

Epilogue: Not since the revolutionary Charmin ad campaign of “Enjoy the Go” with a proud male bear showing his backside to the other family members, rendering them hysterical with happiness has an ass-maintenance innovation generated so much enthusiasm as the scalloping of the separation perforations of Charmin toilet paper.

Naturally the insistent question is “How is this accomplished?” That’s why next time we will go the remote section of the already-remote Mojave Desert where the machine that creates the cut is located on a one square mile array of industrial technological super-science. A machine left open and exposed to the elements and made out of “malleable titanium,” the Defeater Of The Errant Remnant, as it has been nicknamed, resides open and defiant of the elements, and impervious to spies, malware, and sabotage, it hums and glistens 24 hours a day creating the New Anus-Sourced Happiness For All, where “enjoying the go” is being grandly transformed into “Your Ass Is Now A God” status.

endo