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Bon Ami King Charles





Charles Windsor, universally acclaimed to be the most boring listless uninteresting life form to ever come into existence in the history of earth’s animal kingdom, is being crowned king of England today. Charles Windsor makes Joe Biden look like Bill Burr for sheer effervescence.

If you put Charles Windsor into a compound filled with treed koalas….the koalas would suddenly by contrast appear to be a troop of the Cirque du Soleil acrobats in full contorting aerial-performance dynamic gymnastic overload. Charles Windsor could enter an arena of laid-out human corpses and by contrast the corpses would suddenly be transformed in your eyes into a riotous assembly of animated fun-loving-hysteria, and filled-with-enthusiasm dervishes of spinning frivolity, good-naturedly competing with each other for the most histrionic display of life and frolic.

Abandoned piles of bricks at a failed construction site in a desolate stretch of a Utah desert would suddenly appear to be dazzling electrified rectangles of light and bouncing wizardry of choreography should Charles Windsor have happened to listlessly and cadaverously slog onto the site.

If Charles Windsor was to be a spokesman for the ASPCA in one of their ads, walking with a microphone through the forlorn yards and compounds in the snow where the dogs sadly gaze with hopeless eyes and quivering in emaciated stupefied shell shock….in your eyes, in abrupt contrast to Charles The Listless, they would suddenly appear to be alert, enthusiastic border collies anxious to be whirlingly dashing through the freezing frost in anticipation of another day with the herds, sitting up smartly, tongues visible, grins on their faces and excited about life and delighted with their fate of good fortune. This would be an illusion of course, in reality all the caged unfortunate pets would drop immediately dead with despair at his approach at an entity more misery-laden than they are.

Prince Charles’ leaden personal animus of course is not even his worst feature. His conversation and things he chooses to actually say compete mightily with his brooding inconsequential dormant waking, non-talking hours. He has absolutely nothing interesting, on any topic, to say ever. And he does not know many topics.

He could enter a cage of starved lions, talking all the while about global warming or the plight of some forgotten tribe on an island off the dark side of the moon that he confesses he is relentlessly concerned about and the lions would not know he was meandering about and droning in their presence.

He can talk into a reporter’s microphone for three minutes and in that time the microphone will visibly turn to rust and start to decay. His fields of interest are basically: reprehensibly homely women and the magical effect they apparently have on his penis: global fucking goddamn motherfucking warming, which concern, that is, you having it, more or less spotlights you with a 5 million watt bulb that indicates to all that you have the analytical faculties and critical-thinking capacities of a bar of bath soap; that fairness be manifest throughout all humanity and which can be easily achieved through love and understanding; the catastrophic menace presented by not obeying the World Health Organization; and the sad and unfortunate plight of all mankind unless we all slow our lives down to a pace that he can personally not be confused and bewildered by. Which would be “more inert than the empty sarcophagus in the center of the Great Pyramid” and his appreciation of the majesty and benign nature of the wondrously fraternal Islamic religion and the wondrous contributions Islam has given to the world via art, tolerance of non-members, the placing of their women and children on pedestals of respect and honor and the insightful wisdom of their solitary volume of reading material. And the list of his similarly vivacious topics for discussion would fill a fifty gallon bin that no one would want to look in, because there would be nothing interesting in there.



This inert human pillar of salt is now the king of England. Not only is the sun setting on the British Empire, the new and present king, like Kanuk impeding the tides, is convinced he can halt this treasonous stellar entity’s proclaimed-by-King-Charles advancing ravages upon Earth’s sky, sea, and land masses. Which is also what Greta Thunberg thinks SHE can do. Why he’s with Lady Duncemore and not Greta Thunberg, no doubt already Dame Greta Thunberg, is a revelation that he will likely, in a mighty and regally appropriate flash of insight, rectify. Probably sometime soon. Given his present track record for insightful proclamations and decision-making.

–J.J. Solari
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5-Ball Racing Report from Bonneville

 
BIKERNET 5-Ball RACING WHEELER REPORT

****Mojave Mile****In The Books****April 12-13****12,000 foot runway, one mile shutdown….
****N H R A**** Leaders, T/F, Doug Kalitta, F/C, Robert Hight, M/C, Andrew Hines**** 
****E C T A Ohio Mile****5/3-4 (In The Books)****6/7-8 ****6/10 Valerie Thompson kicks ass, 208.71, BMW S 1000 RR) ****7/12-13****9/27-28****
****El Mirage****6-22****John Noonan, ****250.7**** (NEW RECORD) on a 250.69 record****, Next Up 7-13, 9-14, 10-19, 11/8-9****
RAINED Out****S C T A Speed Week****August 9-15, 2014****
****Bonneville Speed Trials****August 23-28****
****In the Books****
****World Finals****Sept. 30—-October 3, 2014****
****Will the course dry????****

Here’s a quick account of the Bonneville Speed Trials 2014 event. 

Thank You Delvene Manning and your multitude of Dedicated VOLUNTEERS……

One more time and your Bikernet.com, 5-Ball Racing Team rolled home safe and sound. 


The Fastest in a field of 270 motorcycles entered was piloted by a lovely lady. The Bike is an electric side car/streamline,  241 MPH.  Blazin down the track, Congratulations…


Fastest normally aspirated was Andy Sills on his S1000 BMW, Modified partial streamliner at 224 MPH.  Thursday afternoon in the final hours with a 4 mph crosswind on an extremely deteriorating track. 

Four pilots were tied at 221 mph late in the day. Hiro on his blown JIMS machine V-Twin, Mike Garcia on a Hayabusa, Cary Alter on a Hayabusa and Andy Sills on his BMW, S1000. 


Friday….


Arrived early Friday morning to discover lots of water at Lands End, the entry point onto the salt. In spite of the wet view, Racers from around the globe were lined up since first light. 


We made our way onto the salt, destination the Pits. Spent the day with Doc (Washington Racer) and Gypsy from Gnarly Cut setting up our home away from home. 


Doc out of Washington was camped next to us on his hot rod Sportster. 

Saturday….


Tech lines were huge, so we dialed our mobile garage in for a week on the challenging week on the salt. 

[photo 4782]

Dale arrived from Salt Lake with his slippin’ and slidin’ Honda Hot Rod. On the track it was the Twist and Slide show on his 193 MPH Street Bike 


Late afternoon the S&S Cycle Team bikes lined up on a clean patch of salt for group photos. Thank You S&S Cycle. Thanks also to Scooter and Horst. 

Sunday….


Amazing start of the day, less than six bikes in the Tech Line. Kyle and Gypsy helped loaded our gear; helmet, gloves, boots and one fine Vanson Tuxedo. We rolled to Tech. Actually Kyle and Gypsy pushed while huffing and puffing along. 


After a very short list including, safety wire the primary oil plug, axel cotter key, fire cover for all fuel lines. We had a two-inch area exposed. Discovered after Tech, our fuel line without the wrap is rated at 3,000 degrees and NHRA approved. Better wrapped than not…

Monday….

[photo 4610]

Ran into Kiwi Mike and Carolyn. Mike was kind enough to share a sticker for the 5-Ball Racing Team Raycer. 


Although bikes were making passes, I made the decision to wait patiently for a dry, safe track with traction. 


Seems the horsepower bikes had limited traction at best. 

Tuesday…

[photo 4605]

The afternoon started looking better by the mile. Slid into my Tuxedo and headed for the staging lanes. The International course seemed to be holding the power and torque.


My first ride, THANKS to a major Team effort covering the last 2-½ years of hard work, over and over in many cases seeking the happy spots. 

After initial staging, groups of 10 Racers are sent to the second staging area where the Avons will meet the salt for a timed ride. 

The ride out was spectacular, the Raycer handled like a Busa, imagine that? The power at hand, all 263 HP coupled to 248 foot pounds of Torque, Dan Thayer tuned and ready, was the track?

I was 4th in line when the wind kicks into high gear, shut down until Thursday at the crack of dawn, the last day of a challenging meet. 

The ride in was also perfect, but it rained that night

Wednesday….

Track closed, prepped all night in hopes of a dry safe track on Thursday. ….last chance?

Thursday….

From our campsite the sound from the International Course indicated limited traction at best. With every pass the track and traction went away. 

My choice was to pass, not much sense in risking life and limb while spinning my wheels. Seems like I’ve been spinning my wheels forever. 

Next up we’ll install the Oregon plate for late night rides on the So Cal freeways until the Mile Events appear on the calendar. 

The Raycer was heat-cycled everyday on the salt for much needed information for the Twin Tech closed loop computer. Every time we fired the hot rod it sounded stronger and stronger.

Look out asphalt, here we come. 

Ride Safe, Ride Fast and Ride Forever!

Haul Ass!
Ride for Your Life!
Ray C Wheeler
Performance Editor
 
 
 

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