BIKERNET NEWS

Hey,

I’m innocent, I tell ya. I’m working every night on the sleek Daytec Blue Flame. I try to squeeze in a workout every other day. The joints to hit along the way to the wayward badlands are lined up and Markus came out to memorialize the bike with his photographic talents. Sometime, during the next week, you’ll be able to see the Joker Machine Blue Flame perched alongside the bristling L.A. Harbor in all its glory. It’s got 300 miles on it and it’s running fine. That’s two bikes built in three months, but do I get any slack? Not a fuckin’ bit.

Even though the pressure’s up on all fronts I just had to drop everything as the dark haired beauty strolled into the shed last night. She was seeking solace from the trials of her two job, 3-kid life, and I had the answer. I fixed her a drink as she flowed onto the couch like butter over steaming pancakes, her dark hair glistening as it cascaded over her slender shoulders. She moves around my pad like a dense fog engulfs the harbor at night, but there’s a hidden agenda. She hates men, and will not commit. Which is alright with me. Her husband of 15 years abused her and destroyed her life. She’s like making love to a female serial killer, I’m never sure when she might pull a knife and take my wind. Yet, there’s a warmth in her gaze, a soft-spoken caring nature and a nasty appetite for lust. I noticed for the first time last night as I listened to her hectic day’s activities, that everything I suggested, she disagreed with. Finally, my patience shredded, I said, “Are you going to disagree with every goddamn thing I say?” I was aching to tell her that Sin Wu never disagrees with anything, but I’m sure that would have cooked my goose forever. The mistress of darkness got to her feet slowly, took my hand and said, “I’m sorry, baby. Bad day.”I shrugged, took a slug of Jack and set the glass back on the table.”I know something we always agree on,” she said and tugged on my arm, and I got to my feet. We better get to the news. I’ve got less than 24 hours left.

SONNY’S BOOK REPORT–Just got done with Sonny Barger’s new book and it was great. When are you going to do your own story? It would sell. I have never met Sonny, but I know a few Angels. In your travels I’m sure you have met him, if so, what’s he like? –Coach

Depends on the mood he’s in at the time. As far as a book about me, forget it. The statute of limitations isn’t up just yet.

STURGIS REPORT FROM BOB ILLINGWORTH–Expect a crowd of 600,000-800,000 bikers this year. The following information might be helpful in planning your trip.

ROADS:1- Vanocker Canyon, 1 mile of gravel, (Sturgis End) very passable then acomplete new pave job all the way to Nemo Road A great ride!!

2- Boulder Canyon, heavy construction for the first four miles (Sturgis End)loose gravel, very sharp detours, 25 MPH through this area will be enforcedby radar 24 hours a day.

3- Highway 24 between Alladdin and Alva Wyoming (2 miles) heavyconstruction, single lane traffic controlled by pilot car. Very passable,check at Aladdin or Alva before crossing pass for updated road conditions.NOT RECOMMENDED IF IT HAS RAINED OR IF YOU ARE AFRAID OF GETTING DUST ONYOUR POLISHED BIKE.

4- I-90 West bound lanes closed for ten miles starting at Sturgis. Twolane traffic only.

5- I-90 East and West around Rapid City two lane traffic only, heavyconstruction. Expect massive delays around Rapid and Sturgis.

POLICE:The police have made it very clear that they intend to strictly enforce alltraffic laws with 24-hour radar. With the largest crowd ever attendingSturgis they must slow the traffic down in order to make the roads safer forall.

PS: Harley Davidson will not be marketing Beer with the Harley logo this year or as we were told. Has something to do with image. So hang on to your 99 Harley beer, it might just be worth something in the future.

BOB’S NOT DONE YET–Deadwood has announced that it will allow bikers to park on Main Street for two of the rally days. Parking will be allowed on the west side of the street on August 11 (Friday) and August 12 (Saturday) from 1pm to 2am. My guess is that if there are no problems this year, the future years could bring back full parking for bikers on Main Street in Deadwood.

Asphalt Cowboy Update– I mentioned that an option deal has been signed to produce the biker flick Asphalt Cowboy written by ex-pro football player Conrad Goodie. The story is based on one my book outlines about a bunch of freaks who ride cross-country annually. They live for the ride, the adventure and not much of anything else. The story is based on a handful of guys I knew in the early ’70s in Long Beach. Many of ’em are dead now. Some didn’t make it to the end of the run.If you wander into the movie projects section of Bikernet, you’ll see that we’re recruiting players for the movie. Below are a couple who think that they should get their shot on the silver screen. What do you think?

PICK ON WOMEN DAY ** (Every man’s struggle in vain…)I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first namewas Always.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, weddingring, and suffering.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s onthe TV?” I said, “Dust!”

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then Godcreated man and rested. Then God created woman. Sincethen, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to!

STURGIS BILLBOARDS AND SHIT– Sure, I’ve shared this masterful Jon Towle originality with you before, but there’s more. I will be packin’ Bikernet stickers from the evil mind of Jon Towle. In addition we’ll have patches for sale, so we can afford enough gas to keep riding once we get there. Also, the agent and I will be carrying ballots and collecting votes on our bikes. This is a life and death situation. If he wins, I’ll feel like shit, since I built his bike with Nuutboy, who couldn’t handle the extreme Bikernet deadlines and escaped with 30 college co-eds to Ireland, Wrench, and the assistance of Custom Chrome, Baker and Eddie Trotta at Thunder Designs in Fort Lauderdale. If I win, all will be well with the world of biking forever more. I will feel vindicated and proud to climb to the craggy pinnacle of the Devil’s Tower and shout for all the world to listen, “Let’s Ride, We’re Burnin’ Daylight.”

MO’ ON STURGIS– Excelsior-Henderson wants to invite all of you to visit with them at the upcoming Sturgis Rally. The Road Crew and Demo team will be set up at their customary spot at the Days Inn, off I-90 at exit 30, the second Sturgis exit coming from Rapid City.

Included in the events is a factory group ride from Belle Plaine to Sturgis, leaving on Friday, August 4th and arriving at the rally on Saturday afternoon.

Demo rides will start on Monday, August 7th and run through Saturday, August 12th, during the hours of 9am-4pm. The fleet will be complete with Super X’s and Deadwood’s, along with some of the factory accessories and special paint that is offered on many models.

Also on display will be their newest model, code-named the American X. Don’t miss the action

BONNEVILLE SALT REPORT–We just got back from the salt. As I mentioned earlier, Rick Vescowanted to go out to Wendover to see about picking out a course forWorld Finals.

At the far end, you may have seen an old log (telephone pole) down11 miles or so. In the vicinity of the old weathered log, there is anold rusted out barrel, barely visible in the salt. This barrel useto mark the END of the international course. When we dragged thecourse years ago, there was an old dead sheep here. We always said to”turn around when you get to the dead sheep”.

This vicinity was our starting point. From here we drove back towardsWendover and found most all the salt was quite smooth & white. Therebeing only one or two short rough spots. As we got to the end of theaccess road, the area where all the traffic drives, it is definitelyrougher, but Rick felt this could be smoothed out with the drag. Wedrove back and forth from the freeway to floating mountain trying tosee if any one area would be better than another. The overcast skyallowed us to see and the mirage was kept at a minimum.Last year, when you approached the end of the dike, the salt felt likeyou were driving over cobblestones. Well, it is all healed, andsmooth. As smooth as the salt is, you wouldn’t know you were drivingover thesame area.–Cris

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDRENHAVE LEARNED–

1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

3) Never ask your 3 year old brother to hold a tomato.

4) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

DRAG RACING UPDATE–Jim McClure qualified # 1 at the Atlanta Nitro Classic ADBA Nationals. But severe weather took away his chance to get even with the track that put him in the hospital for 23 days three years ago when his nitromethane powered engine exploded.

McClure ran in the 6’s each pass at the Atlanta Dragway, Commerce, Ga. qualifyng #1 with a 6.863 and taking top qualifying speed with a 207.40 mph. McClure cut his ET to 6.75 in round one defeating Sam White, Columbia, SC.

McClure maintained tremendous consistency running within a 1/10 of a second and over 203 on each pass with a top speed of 210.31 mph. In round 2, a 6.765 ET defeated Stan Verheijen of Holland.

But when it was time for the finals against Canadian Warren Hill, ol’ Mother Nature had other ideas. Several tornadoes touched down near the track and the event was called prior to the finals.

July 28 Apehangers Bar & Grill 5:30-8:30 Budds Creek, Md.

July 29-30 AHDRA Budds Creek, Md.

McClure is supported on his national tour by Rivera Engineering, Primo Products, Red Line Synthetic Oil, ACCEL, Hampton Roads HD, Southside HD, F & S HD, S & S Cycle, Inc, Performance Machine, Axtell, Autolite & Vanson Leathers. –www.jimmcclureracing.com

BROTHERS REPORT–Presently in Wis. loading up the camper to take the kids out to Colorado for a couple weeks. Then it will be a return trip to drop them off at home before I head back to South Dakota for the rally.

Looking forward to Sturgis. It has been 7 years since I last went. Time kinda gets away from a guy when he is busy with working and kids. I’m 47 years old at this point. The master plan is to pull a Bandit at age 50 and take early retirement. Find a farmhouse here in Wis. watch the grass and the kids grow and spend more timeriding and pursuing self-interests.

Will be keeping an eye out for you and Agent Z. If younotice a red DYNA pull alongside ya with LA plates it’syours truly. Enjoy your ride out.–Anson

RUMOR HAS IT–THIS IS THE TRUTH–When Neil Armstrong set foot on the Moon, he made the “One Small Step”comment that has gone down in the annals of famous quotes. He also followedthat comment with a much lesser known quote “Good Luck Mr. Gorsky.” Thiscomment confused everyone at the space center in Houston, after checkingboth the Russian and American space programs, no Mr. Gorsky could be found.

Upon Neil’s return he was questioned about Mr. Gorsky, Neil only smiled andsaid nothing. For years, every time he was questioned Neil only smiled.Finally, in 1995 at a news conference somewhere in Florida, he was againasked about the mysterious Mr. Gorsky. Neil smiled and explained that Mr.Gorsky had died and proceeded to give his explanation.

It seems that as a child Neil’s family lived next door to the Gorsky family,one day when Neil was playing outside, Neil overheard an angry Mrs. Gorskybellow, “Yea, you’ll get a blow-job when that kid next door walks on theMoon.”–E.J.

WANT ADS FROM HELL– Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

ZEBRA’S DRUNK AGAIN–Keep it up? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, ha, ha, ha! You’re the sissy who needs three days just to get to Sturgis! I have exactly 2,431.8 miles to cover. I will be there in 34.7 hours traveling at an average speed of 90 miles an hour. I’ll be sure and have a Jack on ice waiting for you, motherfucker.__Zebra

RADIOWOODSTOCK.COM CHOP SHOP-Bikers, Babes, Tattoos-Wednesdays– HEY BABY, WANNA RIDE? STRAP YOURSELF ON TO RADIOWOODSTOCK.COM CHOP SHOP.CHOP SHOP, WEDNESDAYS 8PM ET US.LIVE WWW.RADIOWOODSTOCK.COM, WOODSTOCK TV CHANNEL.

So you’re surfing the net and seeing all kinds of stuff and whamRadioWoodstock.com’s got a screen full of biker babes and a roomful ofscreaming custom bikes. Oouuch. Too hot. It’s English Don’s “Chop Shop.”Smoke your tires, and head on over. Its www.radiowoodstock.com

TRAVEL HINTS–Okay this is hopefully the last email I send to you before Sturgis. (lol) If anyone is interested in checking their routes on the way to South Dakota, check out this website and enter the states your interested in for construction alerts along the way. This is a great site for this. Gives all the roads and what they’re doing, so you can ride through them or around them.

Thanks Clayton for sending this our way. Rand McNally – Plan a Trip –Patty

READER COMMENT–Homie made early Evo, with Santee frame, and the dog probably eats better than you! He was panting from the heat. He lives in the desert of Arizona. But if it makes you feel better I’ll throw him an extra dog bone today!Ride free, don’t sweat the petty stuff, pet the sweaty stuff!–Mobile 2000

CORAL’S WATCHING– Saw you at the Bike Show on Sunday, who were your friends???Sin and I went to Harold’s last night for the 9-Ball tourney and she had alittle too much to drink, so I took a chance. We were playing on the back table and I keptbrushing my tits against her. I was so frisky that a couple of the guysstarted making comments and thanking us for the show. I like testing the water with her–she is responding nicely. She was wearing these little shorts and every time she leaned over to shoot,you could see that part where leg turns to, well, she was really cute.

She’s so shy, so breaking her in might take some time. How long have you known her anyway? Tonight we’re having a slumberparty and watching old romantic movies. I suggested she invite you, but shesaid something about breaking in your bike. Do you guys really just dolunch?

Do you have different girls for lunch and dinner? I could bebreakfast! Another thing to think about, oh, I never did get my answerfrom last week, handcuffs could be fun.–Coral

WHY MEN CAN’T WIN–If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don’t work enough, you’re agood-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with lowpay, it’s exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with lowpay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her,it’s favoritism. If she gets a raise ahead of you, it’sequal opportunity (or she’s blowing the boss).

BIKERNET BABE CORRESPONDENT STURGIS REPORT– Working on getting a sponsored Confederate Hellcat for my ridewestward. Matt and I are trying to figure out how I can carry gear. I’mthinking Chase & Harper bags which are totally removable. I won’t have achase van with me. I was going to be riding with an NYC bunch but theybailed so I’m going it alone ’til Indiana when I’ll meet up with the SteelDreams TV guys who will film me. Cool.

Woman Rider does not want to do astory on my ride. I said to the editor, now what woman would jump on one ofthe hottest bikes on the marketplace and ride from New York City to Sturgisto show off the iron? Not too many ladies would lather up the chance. Ifind it hard to believe that a woman’s motorcycle magazine would not beinterested in such a unique story. Maybe I’m being too full of my idea?That’s okay, I guess. I’ll calm down, then again maybe I won’t.

Penthouse is 20 million eyeballs per month on that site. I’m in charge ofthe links and all things related to that Sturgis piece. It’s not about thenudity, it’s the allure of a hot bike and pretty ladies who ride their own.

American Iron and American Rider have other ideas for the Confederate. Ipitched Frank at Hot Rod Bikes and Mitch at Motorcyclist–haven’t heard. Iwould like some kind of motorcycle coverage besides the Steel Dreams TV.-Sasha, Bikernet correspondent from the Big Apple.

CH-SHSHSH, CH-SHSHSH… DO YOU HEAR THAT?– Listen, real close………..there. There it is again.

Hear that? Know what that is? That’s the road calling you, dude. Yes, you. Remember? You and the road. You and your scoot, thundering down the highway. Mountains on one side, open desert on the other. Small towns here and there, barely hanging on to existance. One pump gas stations, with only 87 octane. Ancient little greasy spoon diners that serve up chicken fried steak and berry pies, at counters with those round seats that spin, covered with cracked yellow vinyl.

Mini-marts that never heard of Sierra-Nevada Pale Ale. Little local bars, with beer soaked wooden floors and carved up tables, nicotine an inch thick on the walls, French tickler condom machines in the bathroom, and a 50-cent pool tables. And all the house sticks are crooked as hell, of course.

Rest stops with old Pontiac sedans, filled to the gills with Mexican kids. Teenagers in front of 7-11s that come up and talk to you about your scoot. The red and orange glow of the sunset on the desert sky, stars starting to peek out, clouds glowing like fire. Two-mile long freight trains that you see in the distance, and make you think of the song “Orange Blossom Special”. That clickety-clack freight train beat echoing in your head, making you slowly and unconsiously open the throttle more, til you’re going 90mph.

NOW do you hear it?

Yeah, that’s that highway song a-callin’, and it’s a-callin’ YOU. It wants you to jump on that bad motorscooter and pedal your sorry ass out of California and see what the rest of this country is about before you get too old to enjoy it!–TigerButt ’98 Softail

BLONDE STORY OF ALL TIME– Here’s a blonde story to end all blonde stories! A True Story…if she had killed herself-God forbid-she’d be a shoo-in for the Darwin Award.

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, a blonde (of course!!), new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t get her brand new 22-ft. Bayliner to perform. It wouldn’t plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath only to come up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

REMEMBER, this is TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer. –LWATTERS

LEARN MIKUNI CARBS– check out www.siue.edu/~rsutton/SR/mikuni.htm This guy has done the job right for one of the Mikuni carbs. –Rick Bates

AND NOW FROM OUR FREAKY CORRESPONDENT IN IRELAND–Last weekend I stumbled around Galway, the biggest little party town in Ireland. Every pub was aroar with jabbering tourists and fiddling and piping musicians. All the main streets (there are three) were packed with young tourists form all over Europe aching to party and puke. The rutting smell of musk & testosterone was rank in the air. Zeke the Splooty would be right at home here.

In my stumbling around I ran into Barry Ryan, an ‘older’ Irish H-D biker who has been riding since he was a kid. Ryan looked like the hard-bitten, straight talking kind of ‘old-time’ biker who wouldn’t take any shit off of anybody. He was ridding an ’86 FLH “chopped down” H-D. He said he had broken with Harley Riders Ireland in ’93 and now ran with the Tramps out of Limmerick. His view of the hog scene in Ireland was that there were plenty of riders with traditional heart who were not part of the “fuckin’ up-scale market bullshit.” Like I said Ryan is a straight talking biker.Unfortunately, I didn’t have more time to shoot the shit with him, but he said he could be contacted at HRI.COM or harleyriderireland.com Any of these guys would appreciate information about Harely-Davidson… parts, products, general information, etc.

That’s it. I’ve got to find me a green eyed, red haired, full breasted colleen to help me get a grin out of Guiness.

WAREHOUSE BLOW-OUT SALE– Check this out…. We’ve moved and when packingup everything we found some overstock and leftoveritems. Do you know what this means? Awesome itemswith gigantic savings! Just click on the link belowto view. http://DestinationURL.com/link?lk=00636007968086049116691564

Here is just a sampling of what you will find onthis sale page.

Surge Guard Protector for Automobile Electronics Protection.Protect your valuable and delicate automotive electronics with Surge Guard.

#25067 SURGE GUARD PROTECTOR…. Was $11.99 …. Sale $9.99 You won’t want to pass up our Aluminum Sockets….

#43003 SOCKET ALUMINUM 17mm …. Was $29.99 …. Sale $19.99

#43004 SOCKET ALUMINUM 19mm …. Was $29.99 …. Sale $19.99

#43005 SOCKET ALUMINUM 21mm …. Was $29.99 …. Sale $19.99

#43010 SOCKET ALUMINUM 13/16 in Was $29.99 …. Sale $19.99

#43024 SOCKET ALUMINUM 7/8 in .. Was $29.99 …. Sale $19.99

Mini Vac Set Mini Vacuum SystemGet into the tightest spots with this super detailing system! “Mini” cleaning tools work with full-size vacuum cleaners for suction power in previously out of reach places.

#52086 MINI VAC …. Was $9.99 …. Sale $6.99

1957 Chevrolet Bel Air, Fire Chief Fire command car features realistic paint with color coordinating interior and pad-printed graphics.

#606163 FIRE CHIEF …. Was $19.99 …. Sale $12.50

Plus many more HOT items at BLOW-OUT prices! Simply follow thelink below to purchase or view any of these products – only forour email customers.http://DestinationURL.com/link?lk=00636007968086049116691564–Your friends at The Eastwood Company

NO COMPLAINTS, BUT–no complaints about your site, it’s awesome. You remember that Towle illustration in the “news” section last week of the biker holding the two screaming rugrats(god love ’em)? Well bro, that’s gonna be me very soon. That is why my scoot, ’98 Springer Softail, is in your classifieds. Surely somebody out there has a need for a lowered Springer with 15″ Apes. If I sell it soon, I hope I can get started on my own version of a homebuilt rigid chop, the only way to go I now realize. I can’t offer much, but a bottle of Jack will be on its way to Bikernet headquarters if it sells. Can’t wait to see you stomp all over that bastard Zebra’s ass on the way to Sturgis, the “Wild Blue Yonder” is fucking sweet!!!–Aric

HOWDY–I see you got a contest goin’ for a walk-on movie gig? Don’town a camera but pics have been taken of me and my bike. There someplace Ican email them instead of snailmail ?

Send ’em to bandit@bikernet.com.

NAME GAME CONTINUES– here is a name for the scoot I’m going to build:PRIME DIRECTIVE.

You are welcome to name your bike this, I will find anothername.Ride Free and Rasin Pie to Ya–Scooter

As the blue beast goes for a name,howz’ about “BLUES 4 ALLAH”. An old Dead song. Time to ride–doodah

Since this is a speed contestie: who will get there first, you’ve got to have a winning attitude.In order to convince yourself and gloat in Sturgis, how about this,BLEW BY U…. (of course there is a double entendre)–Mike, Iron Butt Dresser, Ontario,Canada

On the naming of the bomb,,,,,”Maximus Blue Sledius”. (vagina targeting homing vehicle).Oh, I got laughed at with my stock pipes, so I’m going to go with them HardKrome Double D’s. I like the sound already!!!haha. Have you ever mounted any of these bad mothers? (dgperf.com)714/630-5471 maybe you should test ’em on Maximus Blue Sledious.

HAWGSKINS–Hey, there’s a new product out there, Hawgskins. The idea is chaps for your scoot. Brendt Baker makes a line of thick black leather covers for the lower legs of your scoot, “I already had all the leather I could wear on my body, so decided to throw some on my Hawg.” That’s his reasoning, but for me I thought I’d see if they didn’t keep the nicks and dings out of my billet sliders.If you’re interested in chrome road grime protection call (505) 627-5888.

DON’T FORGET BEAU’S RIDE FROM NASHVILLE–That’s right. This will be a country star-studded ride from Nashville to Biketoberfest with stops and parties every night along the way. I’ve been invited and hope to rumble with the rest right down to the beach in Daytona. I’ll be signing my new book Sam “Chopper” Orwell. For more informations call Beau, formally the editor of Big Twin magazine, (949) 645-8036.

MAXIM MAGAZINE TIPs OF THE MONTH– Here’s an old army trick to keep you from getting blisters when you’re hiking or walking through downtown Sturgis all day long wearing boots. Take a pair of women’s nylons and put ’em on under your socks. Make sure you put on the knee-highs and not the trouser-size ones, you sissy. Blisters will be a thing of the past–Chris VanSant, Blackwood, NJ.

So the bees are killing your campsite party. Put a few cups full of beer about 30 yards away in strategic locations. Bees are attracted to the sugar. If you’re lucky, they’ll drown themselves in it before you do–Tom Carrey, Morris Plains, NJ.

Caught in a Wyoming thunderstorm? To keep the inside of your tent dry, dig a channel six inches deep and wide all around it. Use the excess dirt to build a channel running downhill, away from your tent. Then jump inside, go to sleep, and dream or hell, don’t dream, drag her inside with you–Jennifer Scott, Broomfield, CO.

THAT’S IT–With less that 24 hours to go and lunch time fast approaching there’s a soft sorta hushed knock on the door. It’s Sin wearing a painted-on bikini and a beach towel wrapped around those heavenly hips. She’s tanned to a rich golden coffee color which makes her look as healthy and fit as a marathon runner, although her sizeable overflowing chest would hinder her ability to compete. Sin hasn’t a competitive bone in her body. She’s tall but seems to walk on air. She comes bearing lunch and cold beers and talk of this girl she met at the beach again, Coral. I listen intently as I reach under the table and stroke her soft thighs gently. Then it hits me that I have a speedometer to install, and the cable I have has the wrong fuckin’ fittings. I yanked her to her feet, “No time to lose, baby. I’ve got to get to the shop down the street for a part.””No problem, honey,” She purrs. “I’ll come back tomorrow.””Tomorrow I’ll be on the road, babe. The shop will be open for few more hours. We’ve got time.”Her suddenly sad eyes brightened like the flood lights on the cranes over the harbor when the sun dips behind the Palos Verdes Pennisula. She pressed her chest against mine. I took a step backwards…To Sturgis or to hell, let’s ride–Bandit.

BIKERNET NEWS FLASH–BANDIT CANCELS ZEBRA’S ROOM IN STURGIS–CONSPIRACY FOILED AS PROBE DISCOVERS FOUL PLAY

Hey,I’m innocent, I tell you. Fortunately a reasonable officer let me off that night and I’m back at the keyboard. Two days ago the Blue Flame was loaded into Japanese Jay’s hammered ’78 Ranchero, and we hauled out to smog-ridden, bleak, Azusa, the home of the Monks Motorcycle Club, to the Headquarters of Joker Machine. The toy grounds for the talented Joker crew is just that. A sprawling, pristine machine shop where a talented group of guys, headed by one woman, Diane, cranks out some of the finest controls and accessories on the market. This is top notch stuff, constructed in a “state of the art” facility in one dreary goddamn town. Rick, the designer, helped me install the forward controls and then we peeled down to Grease Lightening, a shop in Azusa, where the owner, Mike, installed the coated, braided steel brake lines. I was itchin’ as he performed the final bleeding operation and I felt the brakes come to life.

We returned to the coast as fast as possible and unloaded the bike in the alley behind Henry’s paint shop. The hot rod enthusiasts who hang around Henry’s came out aghast at the blue beast. The moment it hit the pavement I fired it to life, warmed it slightly and made a couple of trips around the block. On the second trip I rumbled past the Bikernet Shed/World Headquarters and there she was standing on the deck, her small hands/turned to iron fists against her waist. Her green eyes were transformed to hardened Jade stones as she peered at me and my mighty steed. “Whatta ya want to do?” she said with a quiet directness. “I just got out of the bath and I shaved.”I hit the brakes. We better get to the news:

BIKERNET STURGIS 2000 CHOP OFF–10 DAYS AND COUNTING–Agent Zebra’s bike is now in Ft. Lauderdale’s Thunder Cycles for final tweaks. Japanese Jay is out of the running due to an eviction notice. Jesse James sells everything he can build, so he’s stuck with his acid etched rat Ultra, if he plans to ride. Billy Lane from Choppers Inc. will be trucking to the Badlands and I put my first 10 miles on the Blue Flame, Joker Machine, Daytec Rigid yesterday. I discovered a shifting problem which was quickly remedied, but Breeze has me thinking about the BDL set up and I along with Wrench will be looking hard at the primary belt tension and we noticed that the starter gear is hitting the final drive belt at rest. According to Oz, I need to tighten my rear belt adjustment.

If you’re going to Sturgis, watch for representatives of Bikernet, our billboards and grab a ballot to vote on your favorite survivor. It’s a chance to ask us why the fuck we’re doing this or any questions about the bikes. Where will we be? Who the fuck knows? We’ll be lucky if we make it. If you run into one of us ask for a free sticker and we’ll be selling patches of the same masterful Jon Towle design.

DID YOU KNOW– That the average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night. Hell, I have a couple for breakfast everyday just to stay in form.

Rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair. How the hell does that work?

The Shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

WEST COAST CHOPPERS UPDATE– Miscommunication is a bitch, which often leads to misunderstandings and bad feelings. We here at Bikernet are in the communication business, yet we stumble from time to time. The bottom line is that we’ve resolved any difference we had with Jesse James and his gang of maniacs at West Coast Choppers.

Jesse picks up some heat around the industry from time to time, but he’s the progressive young gun in this wild business and he’s bound to make a mistake from time to time. Any man would, who it working as hard as Jesse to create and manufacturer new shit constantly.

Watch for the Discovery Channel feature on the Chopper Industry and the young guns pumping there lives into it, such as Jesse.

MIKUNI SHOW COMES TO THE QUEEN MARY– This is a tough one. The Mikuni Show is actually not the Mikuni Show this year, but the White Bros show produced by Jim Gianatis. Jim, the photographer behind the Mikuni Show, produced the show to promote his calendars and Mikuni’s American operation for 10 years. It was highly successful outdoor bike show at the Santa Monica Airport for 8 years. Times change though, and people move on. Jim is trying to find a new sponsor for his Calendars and it might be the White Bros since the show this year at the Queen Mary in Long Beach will be sponsored by White Bros. But Mikuni will be there and my bike will be in their booth for part of the day and the rest of the glistening day on the harbor in the Joker machine booth.

FRIENDLY FIRES COMES TO BIKERNET– Sure, that doesn’t mean a damn thing to you, but it does to the staff of Bikernet. Over the last year we’ve had our ups and downs, our agreements and disagreements, our arguments and disruptions. Well, for the first time in history we’re going to afford the public the inner workings of a company. Yes, we will post the awful, boastful, treacherous, threatening inner memos for you to review. You’ll see what an obnoxious bastard Agent Zebra is and how nasty Jon Towle can really be. When the shit flies you’ll read it. Just don’t blame me.

OUR NEMESIS LIFTS IT’S UGLY HEAD–When folks wonder about the future of choppers, thinking of it as a passing fad, I scoff. It will live as long as the internal combustion engine. Ah, but how long will that last?

Here’s a excerpt from a recent issue of Time Magazine, “Auto and oil companies are gearing up for a battle to squelch California’s electric-vehicles mandate just as new York and Massachusetts prepare to enact equally stringent zero-emission rules. But a dirty little secret may emerge this week when scores of EV drivers converge on a public hearing at the California Air Resources Board–namely, that GM, Ford, Honda, Toyota and other companies have worked to undermine the mandate to build tens of thousands of Battery-run vehicles by 2003.”–Marget Hornblower/Los Angeles.It’s coming, brothers. Hold onto your drag pipes.

STURGIS COLLECTOR TRUCK BANKS– We’ve got it all at Bikernet. All the official Sturgis and Daytona Truck Banks are for sale right here in the gift shop.

MIKE LICHTER MOTORCYCLING PHOTOGRAPHY– Mike is one of the most renowned photographers in our industry. Based in Boulder, Colorado, Mike has shot features for thousands of magazine distribute world wide. Soon you will be able to buy prints of his work on Bikernet, but in the meantime enjoy the best motorcycle photography on the web at www.lichterphoto.com.

WE HARDLY CONDONE THE USE OF VULGAR LANGUAGE HERE AT BIKERNET, BUT ONCE IN A WHILE– “What the fuck was that?”–Mayor of Hiroshima

“Where did all these fucking Indians come from?”–General Custer

“Any fucking idiot could understand that.”–Albert Einstein

“It does so fucking look like her!”–Pablo Picasso

“How the fuck did you work that out?”–Pythagoras

“You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?”–Michaelangelo

“I don’t suppose its gonna fucking rain?”–Joan of Arc

“Scattered fucking showers…my ass.”–Noah

“I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.”–John F. Kennedy

“Who the fuck is going to know? “–Bill Clinton

EXCELSIOR-HENDERSON’S FLAWLESS HOMECOMING 2000 RALLY– The license plates told the story. California, Virginia, Texas, New Mexico, Georgia, Pennsylvania, 22 states in all. Some 135 Super X riders rode their bikes from all over this great land to be a part of the first annual X-Ride and homecoming 2000. Dozens more rode whatever brand they could just to be a part of the historic event. All told, more than 200 Super X fans participated in the grassroots rally, developed entirely by the Pioneer Chapter of the Excelsior-Henderson Riders Club, held in Belle Plaine, MN July 5-9, 2000.

The five-day event began Wednesday evening, July 5 with a welcome party at North Star Power Sports in Albert Lea, MN. Friday held a series of events that included group rides to various scenic and historic locales, factory tours and presentations on the history of the Excelsior-Henderson brand. Saturday was packed with action. Excelsior-Henderson owners could participate in a variety of activities including the national riders club organizational meeting, the Super X tech-talk, bike show and rodeo, factory tours and history presentations. Also they had the opportunity to ride five miles to the childhood farm of co-founders Dave and Dan Hanlon. There the event took on the true grass-roots feeling as X-riders gathered in a large meadow next to the farm’s old machine shed. Fenced in by enormous old oaks and pines, and many miles of dense green corn, the riders enjoyed the barrel-grilled chicken with all the fixin’s and the live band staged on the old hay wagon.

According to American Motorcycle Dealer Magazine Excelsior-Henderson have agreed to a re-structuring plan that should enable the Minnesota based heavyweight cruiser manufacturer to re-enter production later this year. I will be interviewing Dave Hanlon about the future goals of E-H in Sturgis in a couple of weeks for Hot Rod Bikes.

BATTISTINIS ARE BACK– According to American Motorcycle Dealer Magazine, following the closure last year of their Bournemouth, England based distribution business, Battistinis Custom Cycles are back in business, this time with focus on custom design, bike building and their own brand product lines. Escaping to Glasgow, Scotland, Rikki Battistini has re-started the custom bike building business that helped make his name.

Rikki and his gang of renegades are building 20 ground-up hallmark Battistinis customs, but most activity is revolving around a custom conversion service, including a workshop that will take a stock bike and make in into something that will terrify all your neighbors and cause you to lose your job. It’s so damn cold in Glasgow that all these maniacs do is work on bikes. If fact, they don’t care if they ever get outta debt, they just want to wrench to stay warm. Check their new line of products on battistini.com.

SHIT, MAY BE THE MOST POWERFUL WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE–You can be shit faced,

shit out of luck,

or have shit for brains.

With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a placefor your shit or decide to shit or get off
the pot.

You can smoke shit,

buy shit,

sell shit,

lose shit,

find shit,

forget shit,

and tell others to eat shit and die.

Some people know their shit while others

can’t tell the difference between shit and shineola.Thereare lucky shits,

dumb shits,

crazy shits,

and sweet shits.

There is bullshit,

horse shit and

chicken shit. You canthrow shit,

sling shit,

catch shit,

or duck when shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig inshit.

Some days are colder than shit,

some days are hotter than shit,

and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit,

things can look like shit,

and there are times when you feel like shit.

You can have too much shit,

not enough shit,

the right shit,

the wrong shit or

a lot of weird shit. You cancarry shit, have a mountain of shit,

or

find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit

and other times you swim in a lake of shit and

come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts,

it’s the basic building block of creation.

And remember, once you know your shit,

you don’t need to know anything else!

You could pass this along if you give a shit.

SAM ORWELL AVAILABLE IN AUGUST–That’s right. My third book Sam “CHOPPER” Orwell will be available in August if I have to rob a bank to do it. It was recently proof read by the dark haired beauty and Train a rider/English expert from Salt Lake who lifts weights like a madman and will meet up with us in Sturgis. With the details polished, the book is off to the printer. If you want one of the first copies send $14 plus $3.00 postage and handling to P.O. Box 1168 San Pedro, CA 90733–1168 or order through Bandit’s Gift Shop. This is the best book of the series, at least she said that just before we made love the other night.

STURGIS NEWS–Hi! Glad to hear the bike is getting closer to being finished. Don’t think I’d stay at the Spearfish, though. From all the stories I hear about price gouging at Sturgis, ANY hotel will be way beyond my budget, which at best can be described as shoestring. If it’s in town that would be good, I could walk to most of the events since as I told you I don’t have a bike or an endorsement for one. I figured I’d try to get a little campsite at Hog Heaven Campground. The price seems reasonable and a mile is better to walk than three like the Buffalo Chip. Think if I tried to hitch a ride back and forth everyday, that anybody would pick up a poser?

I read the article in Easyriders about that asshole Allen from Champion Sports and why they want to charge a 15% licensing fee at the Sturgis Rally. That guy is so full of shit! “A burden on the community”!? Right! For one week a year, for all the money the rally brings in, they can put up with the burden! And they want to trademark Sturgis, the Black Hills and other shit! Come on! If it weren’t for the bikers who started it all, Sturgis would be just another small town in the midwest nobody goes to! Some folks greed has gotten way out of hand, especially the corporate jerks like Allen who probably can’t tell the difference between a Panhead and an Evo! Shut the rally down? Yeah, right. Watch as the bikers go somewhere else next year with all their money and shut down the local economy! Plenty of other towns benefit from the rally and they wouldn’t be too happy if folks went else where, unless of course the rally moved to their town! Mr. Allen, and others, should be tied to a pole and bitch slapped by everyone as they ride home after the rally. –Sun Hi! It’s official. I’M GOING! Sturgis! Sturgis! Though one thing upsets. me. I took a look at the Hog Heaven website today and the damn price went up! It was about 78.50 plus tax last week when I looked which seemed pretty good. Didn’t make a reservation because I wasn’t sure yet I could go. And today I looked and it was 94.50 plus tax! What the hell happened? Can anyone say GREED!? Keep trying to make a reservation by e-mail but the damn thing won’t go through. Must be jammed by who knows how many other people so I can’t get in. Hope I don’t have to look when I get there. What ever, I’ll see you at the Full Throttle, and the beers are on me! –Sun

KING RULES OKLAHOMA CITY HALF MILE– The professional sport of motorcycle dirt-trackracing had been on cruise control for a number of years. Sure, the racingvenues would change every now and then, but, like life in a small town,things pretty much remained the same. Until this year.

The year 2000 seems to have had more of an affect on dirt-track racing thenit did on the computer world. Scott Parker, the sport’s greatest champion,fan favorite, and all-around nice guy, has retired. The AMA Grand NationalChampionship Series is now known as the AMA Progressive Insurance U.S. FlatTack Championships. And a new racing series-the Formula USA/Wrenchead.comNational Dirt Track Series-is underway.

So far Team Harley’s Rich King has found the new series to his liking. Kinghas won two of the three races run in the Formula USA series. His latestvictory came Saturday night on the half mile at Oklahoma State Fair Speedwayin Oklahoma City. King led all 25 laps, but the race was anything but easy. Chris Carrchallenged King early but King held him off-for the time being. Carr, a pitbull of a racer who is relentless in his pursuit of victory, came after Kingonce again in the middle of the race. But in his attempt to pass, Carrcrashed off the track and King remained out front. With King closing in on the victory, Jay Springsteen made a seriouslate-race charge, but King prevailed at the finish line. Springsteen wassecond, and Joe Kopp was third. Springsteen, by the way, has the early leadin the points standings in the 10-race series.

The success King has had in the Formula USA series has not transferred tothe AMA’s U.S. Flat Track series, however. After 8 of 19 scheduled events,King is in ninth place with 54 points. Chris Carr leads the series with 103points. Nonetheless, Carr should watch his back because King is poised for amidseason charge.The next scheduled dirt-track race, an AMA event, is July 22 at Lowe’s MotorSpeedway in Charlotte, N.C.

THE NAME GAME–A contest was contrived to come up with a name for the Bikernet West Sturgis 2000 contestant. Here’s another batch of entrants:

Hey Bandit, How about this for a name for your blue bomb.Blue Bayou. Get it, Blew – By – You. Or, Bad News travels fast.Hideous freak of nature. Good Boy Gone Bad. Mean Spirited. Wayward Son.Bad Attitude. Once I Rose Above The Noise And Confusion. Night Moves.These are also ideas I’m considering for T-shirts. Anyway, I’ll see youin Denver in a couple of weeks. I’ll have my new chopper ready.C-YA, Rick (Dallas Easyriders).

If Jack, weapons and contrabandare your forte, then name it Smuggler’s Blues. I’m sureGlenn Frey would approve.–Don Curran

Hey Bandit, How’s about ” Badlands Blue” or ”Malibu Blue” or ” Blue Threat”or the ” Blue Bandit” or the ever popular ” Big Bad agent Zebra AssKicking Blue Flamed Bitch From Hell”. How about ” West Coast Flame” or”Rigid Blue”. That’s all I could think of.– A loyal reader from South Dakota, Jeff Torevell.

I suggested the name Dream Wave. Ride ’em if you got ’em. –Parts

Hmmm?Your millenium chopper – Nice paint work. Very tasty.As for a name for the scoot “BLUE BALLS” ought to do.What do ya think?See ya in the Black Hills–Anson

Ciuatl, Zapata, the greatest of all bandit’s horses might be an appropriate name for your new bike. Freddie Fug is a third generation motorcycle rider. Enthusiasm for riding runs strong and deep in the Fug family. Freddie’s grandpa was buried on his 1934 Indian Chief, it seemed a shameful waste of a great machine and significantly complicated the funeral arrangements, but that’s what grandpa wanted and the family respected his final request. Freddie’s dad is in his mid seventies and still rides whenever he can get someone to kick start his 1950 Panhead and ride bitch acting as sort of a seeing eye dog, Freddie’s dad’s eyesight ain’t what it used to be. Freddie tried many bikes before he finally settled on his 1988 FXRS, far as he’s concerned there ain’t been and never will be a bike as fine.

The other Fug family tradition was being medical doctors, grandpa, who was known as Doc, had his training paid for in part by the US Army after WorldWar I and started this tradition as well. Doc set up his practice in the little Southern Maryland town of St. Mary’s and other than the time he served his country during WWII pretty much spent his entire life there. Primarily a farming community, Doc didn’t have a lucrative practice and often times was paid in produce or fodder. He made house calls on his Indian and unlike many in his field much preferred treating his patients at their homes, partly just an excuse to ride but also a way of adding a more human element to his work. Doc was loved and respected by all who knew him and even though many of the farm folks thought a motorcycle riding Doctor was a little strange they also realized they were very fortunate that he had settled in their community.

Doc couldn’t afford to send his son Carl to college, so it was the U.S. AirForce that provided his education. After serving in and being trained by the Air Force Carl started his practice in the town of Salisbury,on the eastern shore of Maryland. Carl followed in his father’s footsteps, practicing medicine in a small rural community, making house calls on his motorcycle. By the time Freddie came along the roads in the area had been much improved and visits to grandpa and visa versa were made on a motorcycle with a sidecar. As time went on, most family vacations and outings were motorcycle trips, it was a wonderful life. Freddie’s lot was a bit tougher. As an Air Calvary medic in the war in Southeast Asia he experienced horrors beyond imagination. Returning home his service to his country earned him little but resentment from his peers. Freddie did complete his education and became a doctor like his father and grand father had, but it was a hollow accomplishment, he was haunted by the memories of war and confused by others anger over the war.

He choose to work In ER at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore, patching up the causalities of urban warfare kept him distracted, he wasn’t ready to settle down into a small rural practice. He rode and felt alive, but either end of the ride brought him back to numbness. Freddie would ride down Richie Highway, over the Chesapeake bay bridge and across the flat eastern shore farmland leading to Salisbury. The ride was freedom, when he arrived at his parents house he didn’t know what to say, wasn’t interested in what they had to say and could only think of getting back to Baltimore. The return to his apartment and job was the same, he felt nothing but was anxious about something he could not define. His other favorite ride was south, through Annapolis and into the wooded country roads of southern Maryland. He would ride through Calvert and St. Mary’s counties ending up at Look Out Point where his grandfather often took him as a child. Sitting in that pristine setting he would try to feel something, anything but could not and so rode back to the life that was missing something essential.

Freddie’s life was changed radically and forever one Spring afternoon. He had ridden the three hours from Baltimore to Salisbury and upon walking in the front door of his parents house, his father greeted him, in a serious tone, with “let’s ride”. Carl, with his medical bag strapped onto the fender of his Panhead, roared off down the road with Freddie in desperate pursuit. They rode through town, past the college and off into the farmland. Leaving the main road they took side road after side road until finally they reached a small river. A small barge on the other side of this river moved slowly across to them. Carl pulled onto the barge and gave the old man, who captained this vessel, a dollar, which he reluctantly accepted. Freddie followed, the two were ferried across the water and proceeded as before on the other side. The journey ended at a small cluster of shacks located in the center of corn fields and small vegetable gardens. Carl parked his bike, grabbed his bag and walked into one of the smaller dwellings, Freddie followed. Inside Freddie was immediately overwhelmed with flashbacks from things he had seen in hooches in Southeast Asia. Once the horror subsided he saw his father kneeling next to an emaciated old woman who had the most beautiful smile and sparkling eyes Freddie had ever seen. He watched his father talk in soft tones to this frail lady and could see a bond he never imagined. After some time Carl softly held the old woman’s hand smiled and they said their good byes. Outside, as they were getting back on their bikes Freddie asked his father about what had just transpired. Carl explained that the lady they had just visited was not long for this world and he wanted to see her again before she “crossed the bar”. “Her name is Lily and she worked as a cook in the White House for five American presidents. She could have used her references to run the kitchens of any restaurant in the world, she choose to return to the life and the people who meant most to her, I respect her for that choice above most people I know of.” As Carl applied his weight to the kick starter on the Panhead he looked Freddie straight in the eye and said, “you must make your choice and I pray that it is to ride and help the people who choose life over headlines.”

Freddie has a small practice in Huntingtown, Maryland, he has found himself in his patients that can’t afford medical bills and on the road that leads to happiness rather than glory. –Carlos

Can’t find my dictionary anywhere in this hovel.But isn’t “AZURE” another word for blue?Sound very feminine and sexy.–Anson

I did have one other sinceyou had so much trouble with it. BlueNightmare!!!!!!!!!–Traceman

What in Blue Blazes is the matter with you? Too much JackDaniels, can’t get your head out of her thighs orboth?!?!

That bike screams Blue Blaze. But, if you want to call it a Bomb, then you deserve to let Zebra smoke your sorryass to Sturgis. Now, what’s my prize for picking thewinning name? I don’t want one of those pleather fanny packs,and I don’t need a briefcase, that would mean I would have tocarry stuff like work around in it. How about one hour withyou, in your shack-o-shame. You handcuffed to BlueBlaze. Me witha leather whip? I promise I’ll begentle. Sin Wu has to be there too. We could both kissyour boo boos and rub ointment on you when I’m finished. Thinkabout it, could be fun.–Coral

Hey Bandit, I was thinkin’ (yeah I know) if this things goin’ to be ridden hard and fast as I expect it will, how ’bout callin’ it The Blue Mule. OK so I liberated the name from an old trucker movie from ’70’s, cut me some slack. Ride free. –Chris.

RADIOWOODSTOCK.COM CHOP SHOP-Bikers, Babes, Tattoos-Wednesdays– HEY BABY, WANNA RIDE? STRAP YOURSELF ON TO RADIOWOODSTOCK.COM CHOP SHOPCHOP SHOP, WEDNESDAYS 8PM ET USLIVE WWW.RADIOWOODSTOCK.COM, WOODSTOCK TV CHANNEL

So you’re surfing the net and seeing all kinds of stuff and whamRadioWoodstock.com’s got a screenful of biker babes and a roomful ofscreaming custom bikes. Oouuch. Too hot. It’s English Don’s “Chop Shop.”Smoke your tires, and head on over. Its www.radiowoodstock.com

SIN WU–Mr. Five Ball,Bearings are all sealed! I did put a light coat of greaseon the starter jackshaft (which they also don’t sayanything about). That’s easy though, just two sockethead bolts on the jackshaft cover. I pop it off andthrow a little more grease at it every now and then.

Blue Blaze is a good name. Even though I picked BlewButte as my entry, Azure Fadin? just sticks with me. Sounds like a race horse or something. Azure is ashade of blue about like your new steed by the way.

Man, that first ride is the coolest fucking thing isn’t it!Let me know how she feels!

NO, not Sin Wu, the bike you dumb ass! Of course you can tell me about Sin Wu too! One of my girlfriends calls her pussy “WU”. Sin Pussy…… oh my god!!!! Do you share!–FTW,Stroker

HARLEY-DAVIDSON VR PILOT PICOTTE PLACES TOP TEN AGAIN–Picotte Races to Two Top-Ten Finishes at Mid-Ohio; Russell 11th in SecondRace

Harley-Davidson VR 1000 racer PascalPicotte, continued his consistent performance in the AMA Superbike Serieswith two top-ten finishes at Mid-Ohio in Lexington, Ohio. Picotte finishedwith two ninth-place finishes during the doubleheader weekend. He sits ineighth position overall in the AMA Superbike Championship series, just onepoint out of seventh, with five points separating the seventh through 10thplace riders.”Of course we’re happy with two top tens,” said Picotte, “but we hadmuch higher expectations heading into the weekend.”

During Friday’s provisional qualifying round, both Picotte and teammateScott Russell put their VR 1000s on the front row, posting the third- andfourth-fastest qualifying times respectively in wet-to-drying trackconditions. However, after dry conditions returned during Saturday’s finalqualifying session, both riders lost their provisional starting positions. “The wet conditions actually hurt us, despite our strong qualifyingperformance on Friday, especially since we didn’t get the wet race we werehoping for,” said Steve Scheibe, Harley-Davidson VR 1000 team manager.”Mid-Ohio has a rough surface, and with the rain, we didn’t have enough timeto get things sorted out. We also recognize we’re still short on power. Butwe’re happy we’ve been more consistent.”

Picotte and his VR 1000 have indeed been very consistent, finishingevery race this year on the AMA Superbike circuit. “My crew has done agreat job of getting the VR 1000 ready to perform week in and week out,”said Picotte. “The VR has proven durable, and it’s just a matter of timebefore we’re back up on the podium.”

HEY OZ–The florida helmet thing was resolved because of me, not you or your law-fighting team. It was me and all me. I drew some nasty pictures of the Gov.. some time back and he almost sued ER over it. I had him running with fear that I would draw him again…That, is why the helmet law is gone, not from you and your boys. By the way, I invented air! –Jon Towle

HOLLISTER FOREVER–Have you checked out the new HOLLISTER FOREVER ? We got the first flixs on line by 1a.m. Sat. July 2nd. Over 50,000 bikes. Burnouts in a class restaurants; even the non-smokers had to go outside to drink. The powers-that-be shutdown our only big campsite, but it still didn’t stop the real party. The Boozefighters held their campout in the backyard of the house that was owned by the Hollister Chief of Police in 1947. Your pals can read/add comments on the “Clubhouse” wall. Y’all keep the rubberside down–Ride On! Wino Joe,USA

DA PLEDGE–When you are sad…..I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the scum sucking bastard who made you sad. When you are scared ………..I will laugh at you and tease you about it, every chance I get. When you are worried ………..I will tell you how much worse it could be and to quit yer whining . When you are confused I will use little tiny words to explain it to yer dumb ass. When you are sick ………..I will hold your hair so you don’t drown while you pay homage to the porcelain god. When you fall…….I will point and laugh at your clumsy dumb ass. This is my oath…….. I pledge till the end. Why you ask ……….Because your my brother. –Mobile 2000

A LITTLE INSIGHT ON US, GUYS–Behind every great man is a great woman …and behind every great woman is some guy staring at her ass!

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without a boner, make him a sandwich.

Did you hear that Viagra now comes in a nasal spray? It’s for dickheads!

Why do men always pay more for car insurance? Women don’t get blow jobs while they’re behind the wheel.

MC CLURE RUNS PERSONAL BEST, 6.492, QUALIFIES #1– Jim McClure, Williamsburg, Va. is getting it together. “The bike is running great.” McClure ran his personal best at the Car Quest Empire Nationals IHRA Screamin’ Eagle Nitro Harley competition in Leicester, NY.

McClure’s first pass was nothing to write home about, but round 2McClure ran a 6.588 and his last qualifying pass was good enough to take the #1 Qualifier money from Red Line Synthetic Oil with a personal best at 6.492 ET.

In round one of elimination’s, McClure took out Jack Romine riding the Windy City Nitro entry from Chicago, Il.Despite running very consistently, McClure fell in the semi’s to reigning point’s leader, Jay Turner, Team Bulldog, Richmond, Va. in one of the closest passes of the day. Turner edged McClure on the lights with a .425 over McClure’s .469. Great race, just not Jim’s win today.

July 22-23 ADBA Atlanta, Ga.

July 28 Apehangers Bar & Grill 5:30-8:30 Budds Creek, Md.

July 29-30 AHDRA Budds Creek, Md.

McClure is supported on his national tour by Rivera Engineering, Primo Products, Red Line Synthetic Oil, ACCEL, Hampton Roads H-D, Southside HD, F & S H-D, S & S Cycle, Inc, Performance Machine, Axtell, Autolite & Vanson Leathers– www.jimmcclureracing.com

A FIRST! SMART BLONDE JOKE– A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

An employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, “We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would bother to borrow $5,000?”

The Blonde replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?” –Modest Mike

NEW FIRE PROTECTION SUITS FOR RIDERS AND DRIVERS– Had a most interesting presentation at the USFRA meeting last nightfrom Bill Hanyon of Chapman Thermal Products on the latest fireprotection fiber for driving suits.

I have an extensive background in textiles and clothing so I feel Iam qualified to give the review. CarbonX from Chapman Thermal Products has properties that seemimpossible but it really works. A direct two thousand six hundred degree flamecharred Nomex after twelve seconds but didn’t even affect the hand under theCarbonX until after a minute. Heat transfers through the first layer offabric after that minute … that would give a very long protection time for aracer wearing a best rated, multi layer, quilted construction suit. Thedamage to a persons lungs from the flames and heat could potentially be fargreater than portions of the body exposed to the direct flames but protectedby the CarbonX suit. The fabric is made in black only. It retains all ofit’s heat protection characteristics after washing or dry-cleaning. Itis available in twill, plain weave and knit fabric construction. Thatmeans it could be used for underwear (with excellent moisture wickingproperties) for a balaclava and gloves, for a full ( breathable) driving suitincluding cuffs and neck closure, and even for areas that usually get highabrasion. They even use it in helmets and shoes. > Check CarbonX out at the Chapman web sitewww.chapmanthermalproducts.com … information that could save you lots of grief.– Wes Potter Secretary, USFRA

READER ASKED WHETHER HE SHOULD REPLACE HIS BATTERY YEARLY–They are much improved. I have a three or four-year-old gel battery in my touring chopper. The regulator shorted out, the alternator quit. I had to charge it from dead several times, it sets for months at a time without action and starts right up.I’ve heard good things about the batteries that H-D sells. I think you can be confident that it will last at least two years. Once in a while make sure it’s getting a charge from the regulator and make sure the leads are clean and you should be fine. Do that every six months and you shouldn’t have any problem.Plus Battery Tenders are wonderful way to keep you battery in top shape.–Wrench

ER READER UPSET–What has happened to you guys? You used to be a good magazine but lately it seems to me you all have become one slick, large magazine with lots of ads. Bandit you used to sign your column as Bandit now lately you’ve been closing it as K. Randall Ball. Hell I named my dog after you but now am thinking I made a mistake in doing that. What gives with changing the title to Spider’s column. Hell it was bad enough that you got rid of Mutha but at least your mag was good. Now I feel that you all have become a bunch of RUB’s, well at least there’s still your magazine Biker and Outlaw Biker for my reading pleasure as I’m going to quit reading Easyriders which is too bad because that is the first magazine I started reading. –David (Snake)Ross

David, I’m innocent. I don’t work there anymore–Bandit

VANCIL MAKES RUNNER UP–Doug Vancil, Albuquerque, NM is back on track at Car Quest Empire National’s IHRA Screamin’ Eagle Nitro Harley Series. After “nothing went right” at Cordova, Il. Vancil qualified #7 at Leicester, NY with a 6.746 ET at 203.29 mph.

Vancil took the win in round one over Steve Stordeur, hired gun for Mancuso Harley-Davidson, Houston, Tx. with a 0.495, 6.722 ET at 207.27 mph winning for the Vance & Hines/Drag Specialties bike.

Vancil advanced to the final by defeating Mike Romine, Chromatic Racing, Cleveland, Oh. Winning with a 0.552 6.626 ET at 203.34 mph, Vancil earned lane choice over Jay Turner for the final

But read ’em and weep, Turner 0.434, 6.637 ET at 209.01 mphVancil 0.497, 6.596 ET at 207.08, the final was the best side by side of the meet, Turner took the light and at the big end, Vancil was runner up this week.

**August 4-6 IHRA Stanton, MI

August 7-11 ADBA Sturgis, SD

August 22-26 IHRA Norwalk, OH

The Vancil’s are proudly supported by Vance & Hines, Drag Specialties, Performance Machine, K & N, PJ 1, B & J Transmission, & Axtell.

EDDIE TROTTA’S BREAK-IN RULE–With a bunch of us gathering parts for the ride to Sturgis, I thought Eddie’s Break-in Rule was appropriate. Eddie own Thunder Designs in Ft. Lauderdale Florida. Here goes: Of course reach a serious level of completeness before you venture onto the highway. Make sure you safety check the controls, clutch, brakes and throttles. Run the bike at a fast idle until warm several times. Then, and only after you’ve made the necessary tweaks, take it for a one-mile ride. Bring it back and tweak it somemore. Take it for a 8-mile putt and tweak it again. Now, you’re ready for 50 miles and back for more tweaking, then 200 and you’re golden.

Eddies philosophy is to catch problems before you get out on the road for the long hauls. He wants to correct a component before it’s beat on for 50 miles. Of course, change the oil after 50 and 500 miles. With each interval tighten fasteners. If you follow this rule, when you set out for Sturgis, the bike will be a solid runner for the entire trip.

MOTOR MAGAZINE EDITOR DIES– Dennis Stemp, founder and editor of IronWorks magazine,died early Friday morning, July 7, in Morganton, North Carolina. Stemp, 49,had undergone major surgery for esophageal cancer in January of 1999, butsuffered a relapse earlier this spring that proved fatal.

He is survived by his wife, Marilyn, and his two children, Vincent, 11, andsix-year-old Kenzi Marie.

Ms. Stemp will continue as managing editor of IronWorks, while sport editorDain Gingerelli has assumed the role of editor. Unfinished build projectsare scheduled for completion by various industry veterans.

Stemp began his publishing career by launching Iron Trader News inPittsburgh, PA, which in 1990 evolved into IronWorks and is currently ownedby Hatton-Brown Publishing.

The family requests that in lieu of flowers, donations be made to the GraceEpiscopal Church Endowment, an ongoing effort benefiting the preservationof the 153-year-old stone and wood structure. Donations may be sent to:Grace Church Endowment, 303 S. King St., Morganton, NC, 28655.

RAY PRICE MUSEUM UPDATE–With construction delays, general chaos and race season in full swing, Ray Price has set the date for the Grand Opening Ray Price Harley- Davidson.The entire week of Sept. 15-24th will include exhibitions, demonstrations, and activitiesDedication of Ray Price’s Legends of Harley Drag Racing will be Sept. 24,2 pm (rain date-Sept. 25th)1126 S Saunders St. Raleigh, NC.

We still could use some black and white photo’s from late sixties and 70’s, if you want to mail them, please send them to

Mary Lou Brewton

Rt. 2, Box 80

Hardeeville, SC 29927

TRUTH–SOMETIMES STRANGER THAT FICTION–A man comes into the ER and yells “My wife’s going to have her baby inthe cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” remorsed the patient.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more that five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a “massive internal fart.”

HARLEY-DAVIDSON VR TEAMLEAVES LAGUNA WITH FOCUS ON MID-OHIO–In a short weekend at Laguna Seca, the Harley-DavidsonVR 1000 Superbike Race Team faced an uphill climb, while the entire paddockmourned theloss of a fellow competitor. Jamie Bowman, of the Hooters Suzuki Team, wasmortally injured when he crashed in AMA Superbike practice on Friday. TheVR 1000 team tried to sort out suspension problems during a shorter thannormal practice and qualifying schedule due to the combined AMA and WorldSuperbike races.”We had some new suspension components that took us off track; and becauseof the short weekend, we weren’t able to take advantage of thoseopportunities before qualifying or race time,” said team manager SteveScheibe. “On a normal weekend, those concerns would have been taken care ofin time.”

Scott Russell, who qualified 14th and finished 11th, ran his best lap timesof the weekend during a race-long battle with competition accessories Ducatirider Larry Pegram for 10th. Pascal Picotte also ran his fastest timesduring the race. Picotte, who qualified 15th, ran as high as 9th before thebolt thatheld his toe shifter in place sheared off. Picotte reached down and shiftedthe bike into 2nd by hand, then soldiered on to a 12th place finish.Picotte sits 9th in AMA Superbike points and has finished every race thisseason.

The VR team heads to a double-header race at Mid-Ohio this weekend, a trackwhere both Picotte and the VR have posted strong results in the past.”I’m really looking forward to two chances at Mid-Ohio,” said Picotte.

GUN RIGHTS ALERT– Sorry to flock shoot this way but…. Senate Bill (SB) 2099 isthreatening additional gun rights and ownership. This bill will allowthe IRS to require all gun owners to pay a $50 per gun owned on your IRS1040 form beginning tax year 2000. Please contact your states U.S.Senator to voice your concerns about this bill. To it today! Count yourfire arms and multiply times $50! Scary isn’t it? Each and every year.

Do not presume that I have sent this to everyone you and I know. Presumethat your the only other one who knows and send it to all your friends.–Thanks, Roger’

GOOD SPORTSMANSHIP PART II–A couple of weeks ago I ran a piece on all the bad shit sports figures get into to and the impact on society. This articulate article was written by Land Speed Louise, who is very involved in Bonneville racing. Here is the conclusion to that feature: Things had just about got to the point where I thought allprofessional sports was a load of hooey. Then I met a few land speedracers. Attended time trials at El Mirage and Muroc and met a fewmore. Watched some fine driving, enjoyed some outstanding hospitalityand reveled in the inter-team congeniality. By the time the BonnevilleSpeedweek rolled around, I had hardly noticed that I had become a fanand had found a whole new set of heroes and heroines.

It is marvelous how husbands and wives, sons and daughters, mothersand fathers, uncles and aunts, grandmothers and grandfathers, allcombine to wage war against a timepiece. The whole affair unfolds onone of planet earth’s most majestic natural wonder, a fragile,crystalline surface that has astounding resilient tenacity when itcomes to supporting high-speed time trials.

Land speed racers call themselves amateurs. Ha! Sure. Tell me anotherone. These people are as good as it gets when it comes to exhibitingprofessional competitive deportment. By nothing more than theiractions and genuine humility for a homespun sport, they embody thebest of what the American Spirit ought to represent. Aaron Copeland’s”Fanfare for the Common Man” plays in my head when I think of them. Ifthis is amateur, America needs more of this and the “professional”would do well to be more like the land speed racer.

Nothing made this clearer to me than at the 200MPH banquet, an annualparty where members who have exceeded the namesake speed, gather torecongratulate themselves, induct new members and pay tribute to thegreatest among in the sport.

Started in 1952, with a half-dozen inductees, the membership has grownto over 350, including five women. Once you are in, you are in forlife. To qualify you must set, or establish a new land speed recordabove 200mph. Many people think land speed racing is easy, that notmuch effort is required to nail 200 in a straight line. These peopleare usually the first to lick the hind quarters of defeat.

To celebrate the present and past achievement, the annual banquettakes place during Speedweek in August. Once held in a small room, theparty has expanded to include the entire ballroom where the fastestfolks on earth gather to visit with each other. During the formalportion of the evening, rounds of polite applause sound as the rosteris read.

This where I discovered a new hero. When Al Teague’s name (He is theworld record holder at 409mph, the fastest time for a wheel-drivenautomobile) was mentioned the room was electrified. At that moment,everyone began clapping, beers were abandoned and the entire room ofsome 300 people rose to their feet.

As for the man at whom the honor was directed, geez, he was in anawful state. It was obvious he appreciated the recognition, but he wasobviously uncomfortable being in the limelight. Here was guy who theentire room admired and I resolved to learn why. What I discoveredafter talking to umpteen people was he was the hero of the salt, justa regular who had a dream that he built in his mother’s one-car garageand tinkered with until he got just right. In two years, I have yet tofind anyone who had anything bad to say about the guy.Here, at long last, after a long, weary search, was a true-blueAmerican Hero. People admired him, racers tried to emulate him andfans were in awe of him every time he fired up his midnight bluestreamliner and roared off down the nine-mile course in search ofanother piece of history. As humble as he is fast, this country coulduse a few dozen more like Teague. Oh, and by the way, he doesn’t beathis cheery wife Jane, smoke dope or speed on the street. Maybe that’swhy he isn’t a household name. You think?

PRICELESS CLASSIFIEDS– 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB — $850/offer

AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE… ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED… ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

BACK TO THE GARAGE–I’ve got to get back in the shed and continue my Eddie Trotta Tweaking Process. As the sun beats through the smoldering tar paper garage roof steam rises off the lift and tension is boiling in the drawers of the tool box. Two months have passed and two motorcycles have been constructed and sent forth to pass the ultimate test to find their homes in the Badlands.

Sin Wu, I call her Sin because of her unsatiatable nature. Her name is actually Cindy, and her legs… Well, she wanders past the shed daily for the beach at the Cabrillo Cove. Last week when she knew I was too busy to spend lunch with her, she showed up with a friend, Coral. Coral sniffed around this place like a lioness checkin’ her territory. Coral has blue eyes like the sea, with golden blond hair that bounces against her shoulders. She’s is voluptuous, like a volcano is hot, yet only slightly over 5 feet tall. Where Sin is quiet and reserved, Coral is bubbly, almost giddy and I could hear her giggling in the headquarters while we wrenched. Wrench and Nuutboy said in unison that hot steamy day, “Don’t you think you better check on them?”I looked at the clock then at the project I was wrenching and said, “They’re just warming up.” I was kidding, but they weren’t. Only 10 days to go, till we ride. –Bandit

BIKERNET NEWS FLASH–BANDIT ARRESTED ON THE BACK STREETS OF SAN PEDRO

Hey, I’m telling you I was innocent. Phil Ross of Supermax belt drives was with me, he can tell you, and the dark haired beauty, well she was there, too. I’ve been working like a mad dog on the Blue Bomb for Sturgis everyday, anxiously waiting for the UPS man to arrive with more parts. With the assistance of Giggie from Compu-fire the bike is tuned and ready for a carburetor. In fact the bike was delivered today to Mikuni for the installation of a polished 42 mm Mikuni carb with a custom K&N filter. I had planned to run a ‘lil John Buttera velocity stack, but the men at Mikuni snarled at the suggestion, consequently I reversed my decision.

It was nearly midnight in the city, sure the gangsters in my lowered vehicle looked a little rough and the girls under age. I realized that my lights weren’t on, as a cabby screamed at me, honking and flashing his high beams. There was also a strange looking oriental in the back smoking an odd cigarette that filled the dark, primered car with pungent smoke that crept out of a crack in a rear window where a bullet from Agent Zebra had… well that’s another story. The tags were out of date and I wasn’t carrying any I.D. just deep pockets full of contraband and weapons. We’d guzzled a fifth of Jack between the two of us and she, well she enjoys the sweet-tooth buzz of a White Russian. I couldn’t judge her intake, only that I had to run to the market for milk a couple of times. Sure I was weaving. I fully admit it, but I could swear the asphalt was covered with snakes that appeared to be slithering into my path, trying to bite the bird’s tires. For the first time since I had the car flamed, the flames seemed to come to life in the night. But did the officers have to pull guns on us? So what if the windows are tinted and at night I can hardly see the lines in the streets. I don’t know what everybody was so upset about. We better get to the news while they’re searching the Bikernet Intergalactic headquarters. Trying to type while handcuffed to the Panhead desk is a bitch…

BEACH RIDE 2000 REPORT– I was there and responsible for the bike show, ‘cept I didn’t know how responsible I was until I arrived. Kia, a bouncy blonde in ponytails, a gray official t-shirt and wearing a set of head phones, handed me a cash box and registration forms and said the trophies were in the motorhome and the award ceremony would take place at 2:30. I looked at Sin Wu’s tits, then into those deep green eyes, she quietly took my arm, and in broken English whispered, “We help.” The woman then went to work signing people up while Beau Pacheco and his soon-to-be-wife, Vicky, and I ran 100 yards back and forth placing the bikes.

We place a half dozen near the stage in the San Buena Ventura Park and suddenly found ourselves surrounded by gray shirts and headsets all complaining about the placement of the bike–too close to the stage. We regrouped after the fight and moved the bikes.

If you’re into bike shows and showing your bike, pay close attention to the class you enter. In the future I will try to help the owners make the decision. We had guys with custom frames in the street custom category and guys with nearly stock bikes in the radical class.

Great day, perfect weather, and Brenda Fox from Bartels’ acted as the trophy girl. Sin has a full back tattoo of a beautiful woman in a kimono on her back and she spent all day sharing the vision with others while trying to keep the sun off the delicate Bob Roberts colors. I keep trying to take the kimono off when we make love, but that’s another story.

SASHA–Have you ever seen such a wonderful smile? There’s only one other woman I’ve ever met who glows like that to ride her own bike. This other woman is currently without a bike and calls me daily in her quest to find a new machine to straddle. At least I think that’s why she calls me.

Sasha here is a brilliant writer who I’ve corresponded with for some time. She has wit, description that paints powerful, tender pictures in your mind’s eye. She’s straight-forward and hard working, and will someday be a woman rider/writer who is quoted far and wide. I hope to share some of her literary genius with the readers of Bikernet soon.

BARTELS’ TECHS–Speaking of Bartels’ Dan Norman, the big guy in the service department with the tool box the size of an 18-wheeler mentioned that Twin Cam owners should be aware that their engines tend to run warmer. With hot weather all over us, owners need to run oil coolers. If you’re a Bartels’ customer Dan produces tech-related seminars. If interested call (310) 823-1112 and ask for Debi Black at extension 662.

While on the subject of tech–Joe Minton from Mikuni reminded me that heavy grease is no longer needed on wheel bearings. Light grease is just fine. Seems there’s not a lot of heat going on in the hubs, so the grease won’t melt and coat the bearing as well as a lighter grease. He also mentioned that Timken bearing end play should be between 4 and 14 thousandths. I’m in the process of making adjustments to wheel end play right now.

Phil Ross from Supermax points out that transmission alignment is crucial for belt drives. Bolt your primary to the engine and transmission while they’re loose as a goose to insure that all parties are in alignment. He pointed out that Jammer built a goofy tranny adjustment component twenty years ago that has valuable uses today in the fight for proper engine alignment.

WHERE’S BEAU PACHECO?– Good question. Well, since Big Twin bit the dust Beau’s been feeling down. Yet he’s still working at the parent company, which I can’t spell and won’t even attempt to. Sure they publish Cycle or something and Car and Driver or Road and Track. Hell, I don’t know, but he’s still there and working on a touring special which is similar to writing about one’s vacation. Whatta dream, cheer up Beau.

Beau is also involved in a major ride, Thunder over Dixie, from Nashville to Biketoberfest. He has kindly invited my sorry ass to attend this star-studded, putt from dealership to dealership across the south and into Florida. They’ll meet in Nashville Sunday, October 15th for a giant get-together at the local Harley shop. Monday they ride the crest of the Appalachians down into Chattanooga, and stop at various civil war battlefields around the legendary city, then gather at Steele Harley-Davidson for a huge party and bar-b-que. Tuesday, the itinerary calls for a putt from Chattanooga for Rosewell, Georgia, a comfortable and picturesque suburb of Atlanta, through the green undulating roads of the great Smoky Mountains. Then there’s another wild night at Killer Creek Harley-Davidson in Rosewell.

Hammered from enough Whiskey to sink a small mine sweeper and wasted from a night of mad passionate love making, we’ll crawl to our bikes for the next leg of the trip. I’ll tell you about it next week, but if you’re intrigued and would like to ride with Country Western stars call Beau and he’ll hook you up for one of the rides of your life. Hopefully you’ll have many, (949) 645-8036.

BANDIT–Last week you posted someone’s remarks about guncontrol and they made a statement something like”England has gun control and 85% fewer murders thanthe USA”.

In 1998 the population of the entire UnitedKingdom was 58,649,000 and for the United States ofAmerica 274,028,000. Could it be that their 85% fewermurders is because they have 80% fewer people? Youknow what they say “figures don’t lie”, but liars dofigure. A friend of mine from Australia describes theconditions there as total gun control. He says they havejust as many murders as we do (per capita), it is justdone with illegal guns. Another quote “when theyoutlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns”.FTW,StrokerP.S. Your running Mac? California…. you wouldn’t let goof Betamax until it was in the ground. Now your doingthe same thing with Macintosh. No, wonder you didn’tsay if you liked the Jack Daniel’s screen saver I sent ya.

Well ….. they have a Mac version too, if you want ityour just gona have to go download it yourself. I likethe “Scenes and Sayings” one the best!http://www.jackdaniels.com/just4fun/screen.asp

HORSE MAGAZINE ROCKS– Well, you be the judge, but there’s not a harder hitting rag in the industry. ‘Course, in the past they hit on everything and everybody, until there were only five readers left and they couldn’t agree on who was actually a hardcore biker and who wasn’t. I’ve been hammering out an editorial and a fiction series for the last half dozen issues and now they only have a couple of readers left. Recently the Editor gave me permission to reprint the published stories on Bikernet. There should be a couple up now and more to come, and when you get anxious to keep up with the reeling, tire tearing, chain stretched times of Vince and Chance, check out the recent issue of HORSE magazine.

THE BIG TIME COMES TO THOSE WHO WAIT– Yes, the staff of Bikernet has been patient, we’ve ate tuna from a can and shared our Corona without the lime. We’ve graciously, shared bike parts, welded our own shit to make it by, and saved our pennies to keep the Bikernet lights on. Hell, we’d rather straighten a nail to keep the walls vertical in the Bikernet headquarters, than to use up a new one.Then the other day, the call came in. The call we’d been waiting for, for so long. Harley-Davidson is now a sponsor of Bikernet. We’d like to thank Paul James and Steve Phiel for believing that a couple of veteran bikers could make a high tech web be worth more that porno and promo. ‘Cept now we need to get real jobs to pay ’em off, but we’re real proud to have the big guys on board.

SIXTH WIFE COLLIDES WITH ARMADILLO– That’s right, in a drunken stupor, after reading one of these insane ramblings about Sin Wu and the girls of San Pedro, the insanely jealous 13-year-old Lena Fairless of Dallas Easyriders caught 35 stitches in her shoulder after running head-long into a hard-as-nails armadillo. The pink Cadillac, careening at a high rate of speed toward California, was totaled. I’m lucky she didn’t make it. I would be the one getting stitches. If you’re in the neighborhood and want to meet the future Mrs. Bandit, and have a beer with Lena, at the Ice House Cafe, go to easyridersdallas.com and check out the digs. Ask Lena to show you her scar, but don’t touch it. I can be a jealous sonuvabitch, too.

STREET CHOPPER LIVES– It’s true, HOT BIKE Magazine and McMullen Argus Publishing is publishing two brand new issues of Street Chopper in the year 2000. STREET CHOPPER was one of the original custom motorcycle titles back when our minds were as twisted and twisted spokes. Watch for it.

ASPHALT COWBOY UPDATE–Conrad Goody, the star of the soon-to-be-made movie and the man who wrote the screenplay called yesterday to tell me that the screenplay has been optioned for six months. This could mean the movie could be into production in the next couple of months. We’re all excited around here and Conrad is crawling the walls. “Get down, goddamnit,” I told him. “The ink hasn’t even dried yet.”

HOT ROD BIKES MAGAZINE– Studies paints and polishes. Yep, Hot Rod Bikes magazine has a team of writers and editors polishing everything that moves in a indepth endeavor to produce the final, consummate guide to waxes, washes, polishes, brushes, sponges chamois, spray guns, spray paints and well, let’s get to the point. If you want to advertise your product or be featured in all your shinning glory on the pages of Hot Rod Bikes call Penny Osiecki at (323) 782-2790. Shit, they didn’t tell me what issue it would be featured in.

SIN WU’S WORDS OF WISDOM– Take into account that great love and great achievements involvegreat risk.

STURGIS BILLBOARD– It’s true that the landscape of the badlands is peppered with billboards promoting everything from ambulance chasers to the famous Black Hills Gold Jewelry. Ah, but a couple of new billboards will ruin the landscape. Two mighty placards will stand tall with famous Jon Towle art and the message, “Can’t Ride? Go to Bikernet.com.” Look for ’em. You’ll see ’em wherever you witness hoards of riders pulled off to the side of the road puking in unison.

AND DON’T FORGET– Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

20 YEARS OF HARLEY-DAVIDSON PHOTOGRAPHY– For the first time in 20 years, photographer Michael Lichter will be exhibiting his motorcycle lifestyle images in Colorado. From July 5-31, the Temple Buell Theatre gallery will be displaying 36 open and limited edition prints of Mike’s work taken since 1979. The prints, as large as 20 by 30 inches, are from the more than 600 stories Michael has photographed for motorcycle magazines. In addition to the theatre’s normal hours, the show will be open to the public Tuesday to Thursday, July 25-27th, from noon until 6:30 p.m. to coincide with the Harley-Davidson dealers gathering at the nearby convention center. He will also have a photographic display in Sturgis this year. For more information check www.lichterphoto.com or call (303) 449-3906

AND NOW WE PAUSE FOR STATION IDENTIFICATION– Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.

HARLEY-DAVIDSON, INC. ANNOUNCE RECORD SALES– and earnings forits second quarter ended June 25, 2000. The Company’s second quarter saleswere $755.0 million, an increase of 24.0 percent over the second quarterlast year. Diluted earnings per share for the second quarter were 29 cents,a 33.4 percent increase compared to last year.To read the full press release, click on the link below. http://investor.harley-davidson.com/news/20000711-17696.cfm

LENA’S GAG FOR THE WEEK–Redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: “I’ve got a hot date for tonight,an’I needs me some pertection. How much is a pack a’ dem thar rubbers gonnacost me?”

To which the pharmacist responds: “A three-pack of condoms is $4.99with tax.”

To which the redneck replies: “TACKS! Gawd a’mighty, don’t they stay on bythemselves?”

IRISH MOTORCYCLING CHAMPION KILLED– Ireland’s Joey Dunlop, five times the TT Formula One world champion, died instantly on Sunday when he crashed in an international race in Estonia. The 48-year-old was leading the 125cc race at the 3.7 mile public roads circuit on the outskirts of the capital Tallin when the accident happened on the second lap. He had already won the 600cc race on Saturday and the Superbike race earlier on Sunday. Racing at the event was canceled following the crash.

Dunlop, from Ballymoney, north of Belfast, was hailed in Northern Ireland as an outstanding ambassador for the sport. He had a record 26 TT wins on the Isle of Man — the last just over three weeks ago — spanning a 25-year racing career on the island. He began racing in 1969 and had been a factory Honda rider for the past 18 years. Dunlop, married with five children, was awarded the MBE for his motorcycling achievements and the OBE for charity work. An unfortunate end of an era.

OUR SEX LESSON FOR THE DAY–A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to themarket looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get aspecial rooster – one that could service all of his many hensand when he told this to the market vendor, the vendorreplied: “I have just the rooster for you. Randy here is thehorniest rooster you will ever see!”

So the farmer took Randy back to thefarm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Randy alittle pep talk. “Randy”, he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.”

Without a word, Randy strutted into the hen house. Hewas as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like athunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying,till Randy had finished having his way with each hen.

But Randy didn’t stop there; he went in to the barn and mountedall the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.Then he went to the pigpen, where he did the same.The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out”Stop, Randy, you’ll kill yourself!” But Randy continued, seekingout each farm animal in the same manner.

Well, the next morning, the farmerlooked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in theair, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard wasalready circling above Randy. The farmer walked up to Randy saying, “Ohyou poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. Iwarned you, little buddy.”

“Shhhhh,” Randy whispered,”The buzzard’s gettingcloser”

NUUTBOY’S REPORT FROM IRELAND– It’s cold, wet and green. Or maybe that’s because I’ve had too much Guiness Dark Ale. Too much and you tend to get a little green around the gills. The capital city, Dublin, is a major party town. And there are H-Ds cruising the streets. Not many but they are here.

I searched far and wide to find the core of hard-core H-D enthusiasm. I found it in a tougher part of the north inner-city of Dublin. There I met Michael Doherty, owner of the H-D dealership of Ireland (2425 Blessington St. Dublin 7)

Doherty is a no-nonsense kind of guy who has been working hard to develop a market for H-D in the Republic of Ireland. He indicated that there are 4,000 motorcycles (in a country of 3.5 million) sold each year, in Ireland; few of them are H-D, mostly Japanese bikes. He said the miserable weather is the biggest limitation.

Doherty says his target customer is the “upscale” , “leisure biking” market which is the fastest growing segment. Johnny Heraty, a mechanic at H-D Ireland described the character of Irelands bikers as mainly ‘good fellas’. Though there are small bands of bikers who are eager to get drunk and crack heads; groups like the Freewheelers and Viking Nomads.

Doherty told me that what H-D riders they have in Dublin meet every Sunday morning at Thunder Road Pub and Restaurant in the main rockin’ section of Dublin called Temple Bar.

At Thunder Road I met Michael Woods, Pat King, Declan Weafer, Eamon Ross and his young son Sean. Woods explained that they all are members of Ireland Chapter One, the biggest H-D club in Ireland and affiliated with the Aire Valley H-D Club in England. They had just got back from a 2,400 mile European Hog Rally which started (or ended ?) in Barcelona, Spain. One of their biggest limitations is acquiring custom parts. There are only 2 or 3 dealers of custom parts so most of the bikes remain fairly stock. All in all it was a friendly group of guys. I’m still standing.

That’s all from Ireland, now back to you, Bandit. This is Nuutboy drinking out, er, I mean signing out.

NAME THE STURGIS BLUE MACHINE CONTEST You remember the song with the phrase, “DEVIL WITH A RED DRESS ON” well, along that line of thought, how does this grab ya for yer Bike’s name?

SINISTER BLUE BITCH

Emphasis on the sin of it all. –Larry McDermott (MAC)

There is a Louisiana snake that moves like lightning around these parts. It is blue with a pale-ish yellow stripe along its side. Goes by the name “BLUE RUNNER”. Any resemblance to your Sturgis 2000 steed is merely coincidental.–Anson

Lets see……… a name… Hummmmm!

Sapphire Slayer

Blue Ball

Blew Ball

Blue Balls

4 Ball

4 Balling

For Balling

Cobalt Killer

Cobalt Killer

Blue Bullet

Azure Fadin? (away in my mirror)

Azure Ass Getter

Prussian Pussy Getter

Prussian Pulchritude

Your buildin’ this thing for the Bad Lands rightHow bout Blue Butte….No, I got it.

Blew Butte…. Great play on words, sounds like shortfor Blue Beauty. Put a blower on that bitch and theBlew part will fit too. Let’s see Zebra’s chopperspecialist out do a blown rigid. Now you don’t seethat everyday! Not a turbo, but a blower. A friend ofmine made one for his bike. He built his own primarybelt drive with a take off on it for the blower. Bad ASHELL! Knuckle Head at that. Fuckin’ thing willsmoke the tire for a full block!

Well, it’s a tuff choice, I really like Azure Fading…no…Blew Butte….. that’s my entry

Just get the fuckin’ thing done in time for Sturgis.FTW,–Mr. Breeze

Hey man, I see two choices for namin’ that machine yer building: Hal, after the computer in 2001 a Space Odessy. Ya know, that machine seems to be controlling your life of late just like Hal did with Dave. The other possibility is Sea Biscuit, ya know, like the race horse…Sea gets the color blue inta the deal by inference and the horse name covers the ride part. I have no fucking idea what the biscuit adds except maybe a maybe some vague sexual reference to buttered buns. If I win one of your damned contests, I need to have some wheels rechromed. Thanks for the great place to visit and see that there are still some sane folks inhabiting this sorry planet. –Carlos

THE CONTEST CONTINUES. GIMME A NAME AND YOU GET A PRIZE. SEND YOUR ENTRIES TO bandit@bikernet.com. WE’LL MAKE A DECISION AS SOON AS THE BLUE BOMB FIRES TO LIFE.

LOVELY LOUISE’S SALT FLATS REPORT–On Monday July 1, 2000 Gary Allen had the opportunity to visit theSaltFlats. He gave this condition report at the U.S.F.R.A. meeting on July6.

The Salt is drying nicely. There is no water at the end of thepavement.The Salt at the end of the pavement is hard enough that someone haslefttire rubber marks on it from fooling around.

The salt on the “old international course” is sticky, it sticks totires and collects in wheel wells. Starting about 1 1/2 miles East ofthe weather station, pressure ridges are beginning to form, indicatinggood dryingprogress. The Salt appears smoother than last year with no evidence ofthepotholes we saw last year.

The Salt appears very white, probably due to the Save the Salt pumpingoperations. On Monday July 10 representatives from the S.C.T.A. andU.S.F.R.A. will meet out on the Salt to layout the racecourse for this year.

I expect to hear more firsthand Salt reports as soon as the Courselayoutand dragging operations begin. I will keep the Salt Condition Reportonthe front page of www.saltflats.com as current as possible. Check intherefor the latest Salt info.

OBSCURE FACTS–THERE WILL BE A TEST LATER– A Russian woman gave birth to 69 children from 1725 to 1765 (there were16 pairs of twins, 7 sets of triplets, and 4 sets of quadruplets).

Prince William once flushed his dad’s shoes down the toilet.

Coca-cola can be used as car oil.

Mexico City sinks about 10 inches a year.

Anne Boleyn, Queen Elizabeth’s 1st mother, had 6 fingers on her lefthand.

I AM HERE WITH INFORMATION ON A NEW ZEALAND RALLY–

The Mainland Motorcycle Club ofChristchurch, New Zealand has organized the Global Bikers Wish Rally 2000 which will replace the OldWorld RecordRally. The World Record Rally since 1992 raised over $18,000NZdollarsfor charity. In 1998 it raised $3,500NZ dollars for the Make-A-WishFoundation of N Z Trust. Make-A-WishFoundation International as well as the Make-A-WishFoundation New Zealand have approved thisrally.

This rally is a not for profit project. Our new event is the same BUTdifferent! DAVID BAILEY,Phone: 64-3-332-5235 (Home),FAX: 64-3-379-0806 (on 24 hours),E-mail: “mailto:mainland.motorcycle.club@paradise.net.nz”smainland.motorcycle.club@paradise.net.or mail to: davejohb@hotmail.com

SEX AND THE ART OF LOSING WEIGHT– Look how many calories you can burn:

* TAKING OFF THE CLOTHES

With her agreement – 12 cal

Without her agreement – 187 cal

* TAKING OFF THE BRA

With both hands – 8 cal

With one hand – 12 cal

With one hand being slapped – 37 cal

With the mouth – 85 cal

* PUTTING ON THE CONDOM

With erection – 6 cal

Without erection – 315 cal

* PRELIMINARIES

Trying to find the clitoris – 8 cal

Trying to find G spot – 92 cal

Without caring at all – 0 cal

* WHEN DOING IT Holding her up – 12 cal

Just on the floor – 8 cal

* POSITIONS

Daddy-mummy – 12 cal

69 laying – 8 cal

69 standing up – 112 cal

Trolley – 216 cal

Italian chandelier – 912 cal

* HAVING AN ORGASM

Real – 112 cal

Fake – 315 cal

* PUTTING ON THE CLOTHES

Quietly – 32 cal

Being in a hurry – 98 cal

With her husband opening the door – 218 cal

DA TUNES COLUMN–Check out Merle Haggard’s “Motorcycle Cowboy” the song and the video get right to the heart of the matter. Oz should get a tape and play it in his sleep, it might just cure him of his problem. –Carlos

A MAN FLYING KITE–A man was in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite went up into the air, it came crashing down. This went on for a while until his wife stuck her head out of the front door and yelled, “You need more tail!”

The father yelled back, “Fuck You, I told you yesterday that I needed more tail,… and you told me to go fly a kite!”

ESCAPE FROM SAN PEDRO–The hearing won’t take place until after I’ve escaped for the Badlands. If I hide in a pack of 50 Hamsters rolling out of Cortez for Denver, they may not see me. In fact, I’m sure if I’m cool in the Badlands that I’ll be missed as just another two-wheeled fugitive until the rally is almost over. At least that’s the delicate plan. Just at the most fortuitous moment I will make my whereabouts known only to be arrested and extradited back to California. Hell, I’ll save $300 on airfare. But then what. Who cares, let’s ride. –Bandit

BIKERNET NEWS FLASH–BIKERNET HEADQUARTERS ATTACKED BY DEVIL DOLLS MC

Hey,

Short week, short time to Sturgis, life’s bananas. I’d tell you about the 4th of July weekend, but you wouldn’t believe it. I’d tell you about the plans for this weekend, but they’re too hectic, I’d tell you about my bike build for Sturgis, but I’m frustrated, and I’d mention Sin Wu and the dark haired beauty, but then I can’t concentrate. All right I’ll touch each on a couple, er, I mean mention, then we need to get to the news.

The Sturgis project is so fuckin’ close I can taste it, but as the 4th of July rolled around shipments of parts began to dwindle and progress slowed. Giggie from Compu-fire (check the single-fire ignition tech under Custom Chrome) got sick after a quick blast to Dallas and couldn’t make it to the Bikernet Barn to assist with ignition install, wiring and electric starter components. I was dead in the water without the components. That, and a couple of parts from Custom Chrome and the bike would be one carburetor and a paint job from being ridden to the Beach Ride this weekend for its debut. Everything is that close. I’m even hanging on a couple of Joker Machine components. Gimme the parts, a few hours and we’ll hear this puppy scream to life.

There’s nothing in the world like creating a new motorcycle from the ground up. There’s nothing in the world like the touch of a woman or two, and for me the thought of seeing my first copy of Sam “Chopper” Orwell printed will make my day. Damn, let’s get to the news, I’m losing concentration:

DEVIL DOLLS MC ATTACK–Damn, just when the fireworks display diminished in the skies over the L.A. Harbor and the fireworks plans for the bedroom began to unfold there was a large banging going on inside my i-Mac. I checked the fuse, the circuit breaker, the surge protector but nothing would stop the monitor from coming to life. Wicked women flashed across the screen. The corner of the plastic casing drooped and smoked as it melted. The screen sparked as if a cherry bomb was dropped behind the monitor. Suddenly the words, “BANDIT,” flashed across the screen in jagged electric lettering, “WE WANT YOU!” Then the screen went blank. A pile of molten plastic and ashes were all that was left of my perfectly good computer. Could it have been another psycho attack. Had I forgot her birthday? Hell, I don’t know, but you’ve got to check devildolls.com. Just don’t mention my name to GothGirl, the president.

JIMS LAS VEGAS NATIONALS–AHDRA 2000– JIMS is proud to be the title sponsor of the AHDRA 2000 JIMS Las Vegas Nationals, October 19-22. The fun starts on the 19th, with a Rally and Races Kick-Off Party. The jam will be held at Las Vegas Harley-Davidson and includes entertainment, race bike demonstrations, live radio remote, manufacturers and much much more. The Rally and Races Kick Off party starts at 4 p.m. and runs through the night until 10 p.m.

Friday night is the famous JIMS Rolling Bones Party. The bash is held on the strip at the Harley-Davidson Cafe. Saturday the gates open and the motors get rolling. The smell of gas and nitro fill the air and at 10:30 a.m. qualifying starts. Sunday’s the day for the Elimination rounds. The morning starts with the “Hot Rod Bikes Magazine” Drag racing school. Any spectator can attend, and learn the ins and outs of racing. Eliminations begin at 12:30 and won’t quit until the smoke clears. For more information check out the JIMS website at www.jimsusa.com

BIKERNET WEST PAINT–Here ’tis without striping or clear coat. The Harold Pontarelli creation from Vacaville, California. (Check out the tech). And check out Agent Zebra’s competition in the Bikernet Garage.

We’ve run into a dilemma trying to figure out a name for the Blue Bomb, and that just might be it. If you have a notion drop a note to me at bandit@bikernet.com. You might be the winner of some grand prize. Here’s one suggestion:

You could call it..the MASK…as in Zebra emasculator..”to deprive of strength and vigor”.–Train in SLC.

SO, WHAT’S UP WITH MY FICTION?–So what’s up with the fiction I sent you? Was it so bad you decided to use it for toilet paper, or you just haven’t read it yet? Or maybe your just too busy having “lunch” with miss Sin Wu. And that name by the way doesn’t sound Japanese, but Chinese. You should know from your tours of duty in Nam not to fool around with Asian women, it takes all the energy right out of you! I know, my wife was Chinese! But aaahh, they are beautiful indeed, are they not? Chinese, Japanese, Thais, Koreans, Philippines, etc. Give them all to me! That’s it! Keep riding and writing,–Sun

What fiction?

VICTORY MOTORCYCLES HELPS KYLE PETTY CHARITY RIDE RAISE MORE THAN $450,000 FOR CHILDREN’S CHARITIES NASCAR driver Kyle Petty ditched his Harleyand led his sixth cross-country charity ride for children’s hospitals on aVictory Motorcycle, the Cruiser of the Year for two years running. “The Kyle Petty Charity Ride is the corporate charity of record for VictoryMotorcycles,” said Darcy Betlach, marketing manager for Victory. “We werethrilled that Kyle decided to ride the Victory V92C Cruiser this year.Victory is The New American Motorcycle – the perfect choice for the KylePetty Charity Ride Across America.”This is Victory’s second year supporting the Kyle Petty Charity Ride, andthe cause has become an annual event for many members of the new Americanmotorcycle company. Victory auctioned two customized motorcycles this yearto benefit the ride at the end of the cross-country trip. The more than$450,000 raised this year will be distributed to five major children’scharities designated by the Kyle Petty Charity Ride.

For more information on Victory Motorcycles, call 1-800-765-2747 for adealer locator or visit the Victory Web site at www.victory-usa.com.

AN ACCIDENT REPORT WHICH WAS PRINTED IN THE NEWSLETTER OF THE BRITISH EQUIVALENT OF THE WORKERS’ COMPENSATION BOARD– I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I wasworking alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When Icompleted my work, I found I had some bricks left over which, whenweighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Ratherthan carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in abarrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of thebuilding at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung thebarrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untiedthe rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.You will note in block #11 of the accident report form that my weightis 135 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground sosuddenly; I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.

Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of thebuilding. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel whichwas now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. Thisexplains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the brokencollarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping untilthe fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and wasable to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of theexcruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit theground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of theweight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. Irefer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapiddescent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the thirdfloor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fracturedankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrelseemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into thepile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I amsorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence ofmind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrelbegin its journey back onto me. This explains the two broken legs. –Clive R Gould

Thanks Louise–Bandit

JIM MCCLURE RUNNER UP AT COLUMBUS WITH TOP MPH–Jim McClure, Williamsburg, Va. didn’t want the ADBA Columbus, Oh. race to end the way it did, but he did go home with the Top MPH award at 211 and runner up.This was a great way to prepare for next weekend’s, IHRA Screamin’ Eagle Nitro Harley competition in Liecester, NY.

Unfortunately, McClure had problem in staging and could not make the call for the final round against Bill Furr, Orangeburg, SC. However, the runner up position was good enough to move McClure substantially up in ADBA Top Fuel points challenge.

July 14-16 IHRA Liecester, NY

July 22-23 ADBA Atlanta, Ga.

July 28 Personal Appearance Apehangers Bar & Grill 5:30-8:30 Budds Creek, Md.

July 29-30 AHDRA Budds Creek, Md.

McClure is supported on his national tour by Rivera Engineering, Primo Products, Red Line Synthetic Oil, ACCEL, Hampton Roads H-D, Southside H-D, F & S H-D, S & S Cycle, Inc., Performance Machine, Axtell, Autolite & Vanson Leathers www.jimmcclureracing.com

BEACH RIDE THIS WEEKEND, BE THERE– Hey, if you live in SoCal and want to party out of the blazing sun on Sunday, come to the Beach Ride, a charity ride to benefit Children. See top notch bands, bikini contests and custom bikes judged by myself. Check with any local dealership for the ride to Ventura. Don’t miss it. Be there, Be there.

PARENTING LESSONS– One day a mother was cleaning her son’s room, and in the closet she found a S & M magazine. Unsure of how to confront her son, she hid the magazine until his father got home. She showed her husband what she had found while she was cleaning. He looked at the S & M magazine and handed it back to her without a word. She finally asked him, “Well, what should we do about this?”

He looked back at her hesitantly and said, “Well, I don’t think you should spank him.”

BEER ALERT–Yesterday, a scientist for Health Canada suggested that,considering the results of a recent analysis that revealedthe presence of female hormones in beer, men shouldtake a look at their beer consumption. The theory is thatdrinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test thetheory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within aone hour period. It was then observed that 100% of themen gained weight, talked excessively without makingsense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failedto think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused toapologize when wrong. No further testing is planned!–Mr. Breeze

ABATE OF VIRGINIA FREEDOM FIGHT UPDATE–ABATE of Virginia is now in the midst of a full on fight to repeal themandatory helmetlaw with the introduction and passage of a bill in the 2001 Virginia GeneralAssemblybeginning January of 2001. Sponsors are in place and Governor Jim Gilmorehas stated hewill sign the bill if it reaches his desk.

Getting the bill out ofcommittee has been thebiggest obstacle in the past and will be the most difficult task this comingsession. It isbelieved from past attempts that there is adequate support for passage fromthe memberson the floor of both houses of the General Assembly.

In February a helmet law reform committee was established to mobilize thetroops in theABATE chapters. A petition drive was launched just over a month later andsignaturesare pouring in from around the State. The Virginia Coalition ofMotorcyclists and NCOMhave both pledged to support the bill. The membership is fully mobilized,preparing towork with legislators in each district to make sure they have the true factsconcerninghelmet use, not just the medical and insurance lobby facts. Support existsfrom the leadingorganization of law enforcement bikers, the Blue KnightsWE NEED YOUR SUPPORT! If you live in Virginia, want to see the repeal ofthemandatory helmet law as happened June 18 in Florida, then join ABATE ofVIRGINIA.See the official website at www.abateofva.org or write Annie Mundyanniem@erols.com

If you live elsewhere and wish to help in this fight, PLEASE LEND YOURFINANCIALSUPPORT by sending a check to:ABATE of VIRGINIA Please note “helmet reform committee” in the memosection of your check.

C/O Dave Sutton

794 Sunnymeade Rd.

Rustburg, VA 24588

CONTEST WINNERS AND MO’ CONTESTS– Yep, here’s another couple of winners. I asked for shots of bikes a couple of weeks ago, then when I ask for something outrageous, I get bikes. What the hell, check Carlos’s putt. Some scooter, but it’ll take him a month to get to Sturgis from Wyoming. And then there’s Glen’s bike. I’m running it, cause this guy is sending me shots of his dog, his ol’ lady on the hood of his short, shots of him working out–it’s gettin’ strange, so I thought I better act fast and run his bike. Each winner will receiver a gift from Custom Chrome and an autographed copy of Outlaw Justice.

This week the contest is to name my metallic blue rigid built for Sturgis 2000. It’s a 98-inch blue metalflake chopper to the bone. Maybe Boney Blue. Hell, I don’t know, but the winner of this contest will receive a valuable prize from JIMS machine. Send your creations bandit@bikernet.com.

IN OTHER NEWS–CHOP-OFF 2000 IN FULL SWING– Thunder Cycle Design dives into the Bikernet Sturgis 2000 Chop–Off. Eddie Trotta, grand wrench wiz, who has a shop overflowing with you-gotta-be-shittin’-me masterpiece choppers has taken on the final tweaks and perfections. Bikernet West is officially fucked with this monster of metal on board. Eddie took one look at the machine and said, “Oh yeah, I can see a few things I’ll change already.” Then the entire shop burst out laughing and the motorcycle disappeared in a storm of sparking metal and blowtorch flames as the crew dove on the hapless scoot.

God only knows what it will look like when Eddie is done, but one thing is for sure, it will look, oh so good. Can’t wait to see the tweaks and pokes. Break-in is underway as well, with one mile runs between spot checks with the tape measures and wrenches. When Eddie asked what the overall goal with the chopper was, I told him, “To kick Bandit’s ass.” Eddie grinned and fondly caressed his slide ruler. Burn, baby, burn.–Special Agent Zebra

ACTUAL CLASSIFIEDS–

________________

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.

8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG.

———————————-

FREE PUPPIES:

1/2 COCKER SPANIEL –

1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR’S DOG

——————————

FREE PUPPIES…PART GERMAN SHEPHERD

– PART STUPID DOG

——————————

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.

NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

————————————-

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.

LOOKS LIKE A RAT…

BEEN OUT AWHILE..

BETTER BE REWARD.

———————————–

IT NEVER DAWNED ON ME THAT THIS IS YOUR SITE– I hope everything is going great for you and that your getting a well deserved rest. My cousin and I are riding to Sturgis from Chicago this year, my first time.

You autographed a copy of “Outlaw Justice” for me some time ago, it does not get lent out. Did you ever finish “Sam Chopper Orwell?” If so, I need it. –Pete

Orwell will be in print in August. I’m as anxious as you are.

WENT FOR A RIDE THIS MORNING– at 7:00 A.M. and I was not wearing a Helmet.There were groups scheduled to go for helmetless rides all over the state at 12:01 last night.There have been no reports of any problems so far.

Florida has repealed the Mandatory Helmet Law for motorcyclist over 21 years of age if they have $10,000 of medical insurance. In most cases that covers any one who has insurance from their job or a H.M.O.There has been releases from the government, state police, city police etc. Every one got a statement.

We will wait to see what happens. I saw Highway Patrol, Palm Bay and Melbourne Police and they saw me. They did not stop or harass me. I did not come into contact with Brevard County Sheriff’s Dept.

Abate of Brevard County sent out a e-mail this morning saying the Sheriffs Dept. was going to find reasons to stop bikers without helmets. It also said it was going to stop people wearing non -D.O.T. helmets. Supposedly there was also some kind of law passed about that .

It is going to be interesting and I will keep you informed as best I can.–Rogue on watch in Florida.

WHEN WILL I FUCKIN’ GROW UP– Niles Orgille thought as he woke up and looked at the sleeping young nubile woman beside him in bed. She said her name was Amber and his eyes followed the contour of her firm young body, her auburn hair covered the pillow as a frame for her Hellenic face. Her long neck led to a sensuous collar bone and the two glorious breasts exhibiting the firmness of youth. The slow undulation of her rib cage and flat tummy led to the a tuft of pubic hair partially hidden by a glorious thigh spread at a 45 degree angle to it’s twin. “For Christ’s sake,” Niles thought, “this could be my freaking grand daughter, what the hell am I doing here?” Niles slipped out of the bed, threw on his clothes, walked out the door of the apartment and after an extended search, located his bike and headed on down the road.

Considering he was just outside of Taos and had to be in Albuquerque by 2:00 for his granddaughter’s graduation he needed to employee the full throttle approach that he enjoyed so much and here was the perfect excuse. The Confederate Hellcat that he had recently bought was up to the task at hand, with it’s merc power plant delivering some 120 HP to the rear wheel. Highway 68 from Taos to Santa Fe was Aspen and pine, cool and refreshing, Highway 25 from Santa Fe to Albuquerque was the New Magico desert landscape that Niles loved. As the man, the machine, the road and the landscape blended into one another Niles came to terms with his life. Five wives, three children, four grandchildren and he was still looking for more. Most people his age had settled into quiet lives enjoying a surrogate lifestyle dependent on their children and grand children. Niles could not be satisfied with this, he needed the blood, sweat and tears of an active life, a life of actualization not recollection.

He was the stallion in a heard of wild horses and it was command or death for him. Niles slammed on the brakes at Bernalillo, pulled into a bar, had a shot of JD, a Miller draft and headed back to Taos and Amber, that was his life, his destiny, anything less would be denying the will of whatever gods oversaw the world. Niles had finally grown up and recognized who he was and what his life was intended to be. -Carlos

NEWS BULLETIN–In Pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, i.e.: Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled onMycoxafailin.

Also considered were: Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin, and Mydixarizin.

MY FATBOY CAME IN EARLY–my Fatboy came in early and once the sun goes down, I’m on it. Breaking it in is a bitch, I’m dying to open it up. I also want to say thanks again, cause of you and that conversation we had a year ago, I’m a proud owner of a H-D. I’m no rich urban dude but have managed to scrape, save and beg my way into it. I’m not sure if I could throw my self down on the floor, the wife wouldn’t put up with that shit. So as promised, I’ll be sending a pic soon of the wifey after buying some shit for her so she can ride….damn I was hoping to buy other shit. hmmmm maybe the floor routine has some possibilities, eh. ha hah.

On another note: Saw your pic in the Thunder Press, you look like you should star in the movie. Put that Sin girl in too. Well when I get the chance I’ll send in my donation and buy a bed roll. Thats bad, you know still need some fucking leather riding boots. This bike was supposed to be in August/Sept.

Man I felt like a virgin again but twice around the parking lot and bamm, I was gone. Fucking grin from ear to ear.

LMRA IS HAVING ITS FIRST ANNUAL FREEDOM RALLY TO CELEBRATE LIBERATION FROM THE MANDATORY HELMET LAW. WE ARE HOPING THAT THIS EVENT IS A SUCCESS SO THAT WE CAN MAKE A STATEMENT IN SUPPORT OF KEEPING OUR FREEDOM. OUR OPPOSITION HAS ALREADY SURFACED ONLY 10 MONTHS AFTER REPEAL. IT HAPPENS TO BE OUR OWN STATE AGENCY, THE LA. HIGHWAY SAFETY COMMISSION. NATURALLY WE HAVE OUR WORK CUT OUT SINCE THE DEATH RATE IN LA. HAS DOUBLED AND OUR OPPONENTS ARE QUICK TO DISTORT THE FACTS. PLEASE VISIT OUR SITE AT WWW.LMRA.NET AND COME TO THE RALLY. FREEDOM IS NOT ALWAYS FREE AND WE MUST CONTINUE TO PROTECT IT. –THANKS, ANGELO, PRES., LMRA.

FREEDOM– It’s the first of July 3 days to independance? Do we celebrate as free People or do we let big brother rule our world? As for me and mine We would rather DIE free than Live in a world that is ruled by the rich and where brothers and sisters have no rights or freedom of choice may be about time for us to have some fun and live free! F.S.F.F.F.S May The Choice Of How We Live And How We Die We Don’t Have A Lot Of Choices Left Let’s Hope We can Keep Some RIDE HARD RIDE FREE LIVE FOREVER IF NOT IN LIFE IN THE MIND’S OF THOSE THAT LIVE ON Paul W. Davis Don’t Forget The W. It’s 1 Third Of My Whole Name LET’S Ride

HIS FIRST SCAN– This is Oz’s first scan with his new Epson scanner. It’s the helmet painted to match the Dicey Knucklehead featured in our feature department. Our first feature covers a bunch of my rides over the years. Check it out and if you want your bike featured let me know. It’s not completely impossible. We’ll be looking for something different in the bikes we highlight. A wild story, some treacherous history or mechanical maladies that make your machine a standout. Send samples to Oz@bikernet.com.

AH, STRANGE BUT TRUE– In Chinese, the KFC slogan “finger lickin’ good” comes out as “eat your fingers off.”

A cockroach can live for 10 days without a head.

European women didn’t wear underwear until the 1900’s.

More than 50% of the world have never made or received a phone call.

We shed 40 pounds of skin in a life time.

We drool more than 3 pints a day.

Yo-yos were once used as weapons in the Philippines.

YOUR SITE– keeps getting better and better. I find myself eager every week to read your news. Agent Zebra lives in my section of the planet. Should he ever need a break from the concrete jungle of Miami, he’s welcome to give me a jingle and ride up. We are in the woods, not far from the beaches and even closer to the highway. There’s always good food, great people and interesting motorcycle blurbs. I know it’s not the glamour and burning white hot lights of the big city, but it’s all I got for now. Remember me when that new book gets done, you promised me a signed copy. Can you see my lower lip waaaay out there? You are still a big thick inspiration, pretty man. So glad you came into my life….

STURGIS PROJECT–Recently declassified NASA documents reveal that in the early 70’s a project was initiated to try and recapture America’s interest in the space program. After Neil Armstrong had made his historic walk on the surface of the moon subsequent NASA missions became more and more rote in the eyes of the American public. This loss of interest in the American public was seriously affecting NASA’s ability to secure funding for future missions and projects. A series of top secret meetings involving four of NASA’s senior leadership team were held. A variety of projects to recapture the interest of the American public were reviewed and three were initiated. The most far reaching and interesting of these projects was code named Sturgis.

One of the leadership team’s perceptions was that the clean cut image of the astronaut corps was not in line with the current mood of America and that the fascination with space technology had been replaced with more earthy interests. NASA would need to reshape the imagine of the astronaut and somehow bridge space technology to something the American public found exciting and could relate to. Several options were considered but one stood head and shoulders above the rest, the American fascination with the motorcycle and biker lifestyle.

The motorcycle had become a symbol for freedom, independence and the spirit of exploration through books, movies and a fierce advertising campaign initiated by AMF to save Harley-Davidson from extinction. The wild and violent perception of the biker had been tempered by AMF’s campaign and the motorcycle rider had become an acceptable and even revered part of the American tradition. The NASA leadership team decided that tapping the image of the motorcycle and biker could be the key to re-igniting interest in the space program.

Benny Profane, a lackluster astronaut with a history of raising hell was assigned as project leader, he was given four engineers and a NASA PR guy named Pirate Prentice to set Project Sturgis in motion. Benny was not initially too pleased with the assignment, he wanted to walk on the fucking moon, not ride around on a scooter impersonating Peter Fonda. A few FBI films of biker ‘love ins’ and some interviews with some horny biker babes convinced Benny that this might not be such a bad assignment after all. Too maintain secrecy the project was headquartered in a small beach community in San Pedro, close to the Rockwell plant in Norwalk. This would keep the team out of the Houston area and eyes of the press but also provide them access to Rockwell’s significant technological resources. The engineers were given a new Harley-Davidson FLT and a library of custom bike pictures to use as a basis for there design. The objective was to create a bike using NASA’s latest technology and integrate this technology into a form consistent with the current notion of a “fine fuckin’ ride.” Pirate’s task of gaining and understanding the biker lifestyle and somehow melding that into the astronaut Benny Profane would prove to be a much more difficult task. To be continued -Carlos

AND NOW FOR OUR GRUELING QUESTION AND ANSWER PERIOD– Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist? A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde? A. A golden retriever.

Q. Why does the bride always wear white? A. Because it’s good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs? A. Because their testicles fall over their asshole and they vapor-lock.

STATEMENT OF THE WEEK–33 days till Sturgis..”The one week out of the year that makes the other 51 worth living..”–TRAIN

SALT FLAT NEWS UPDATE–A recent AP news wire report out of Carson City, Nevada stated FormerWorld Land Speed Record Holder Craig Breedlove was “seeking BLMapproval” for a special recreation permit at Nevada’s Black RockDesert in 2001.

Officials confirmed that 63 year-old Breedlove has not yet filed anapplication for the permit, nor has the BLM received any e-mail, phonecall, or fax from Mr. Breedlove indicating his intentions. “We do notrespond to or consider newspaper articles as an application.”As far as special recreation permits are concerned, the BLM will needto get Breedlove’s application first, which initiates the permitprocess.That process includes a variety of permit requirements that must bereviewed and settled, and the physical site must be investigatedbefore any approval might be given for land speed trials on the BlackRock Desert.

The official also noted in closing, “Before going to media, he issupposed to apply for the permit!.”

Breedlove also continues to insist that he was the first to 400mph onland, but it is well-documented, historical fact that Englishman JohnCobb was the first person to travel in excess of 400 mph on land backin 1947, when he tripped the clocks at 403mph during one of his WorldRecord runs. World Records are determined by the average of two runsmade back-to-back within a one-hour period of time.

Further, American hot rodder Mickey Thompson also beat Breedlove to400mph in 1960 with a 406 mph run. Both Cobb and Thompson’s vehicleswere powered by conventional internal combustion engines. Breedlovecan, however, claim that he was the first to set a World Land SpeedRecord in excess of 400mph, but he was the third man to travel at thatspeed.

“It is unfortunate that Mr. Breedlove continues to make this claim,”said “LandSpeed Louise Ann Noeth, author of the recently publishedBonneville Salt Flats, a 102-year history book on land speed racing,”I have repeatedly appealed to him and his public relations people toset the record straight. To continue to make such false claims is adishonor to both John Cobb and Mickey Thompson, who reached thosespeeds in the face of great personal peril. It might make snazzy PRcopy to say he was first, but it is not the truth.”

FUCKIN’ A, MAN, THIS IS THE PLACE– Just stumbled in a few weeks ago and already look forward to that damned news of yours. Finest fucking biker place on the computer I have seen yet. Your shit cracks me up man, that T and A intro, some real news, little stories that rip my ass or say right on brother and those little you’ve got your head up your ass battles. Keep throwin’ the shit at the fan brother that’s what makes the fucking world go round. Ride on brother, RC

KENTUCKY FLASH–As of July 15th the sticker & insurance requirements of the law will be gone thanks “exclusively” to the efforts, hard work, & unity of the Kentucky Motorcycle Assoc. {SMRO}, & the riders in Ky who cared enough to stand up together for their rights. The AMA had no part in it, and has only tried to kill our efforts since ’98. They made one unsolicited jester in the 2000 session that we spent a 1/2 day fixing, because they never contacted the KMA/KBA to see what course of action we were taking. For further info, feel free to contact the state office @ 1-800-68 CYCLE. Also you may want to read the article in the motorcycle trade mag. called “Thunder Press” July 2000 issue pp. 33. Thanks, RIDE FREE, Ken ” Kenbo ” Moore. ”

I’M OUTTA HERE– Next week we’ll display our billboard which will shine on two locations in Rapid City this year. But the key to any successful Badlands romp will be completing and riding the Blue Bomb into South Dakota in one piece with my brothers as my side and not pushing me, either. It’s a rigid and my partners think I’m nuts, but what the hell. I love choppers and this one should be tight and with my bony ass strapped to a sprung seat I’ll haul ass for a 100 miles a day, then rest by a pub, stretch out and have a margarita in the sun.

I’ll ponder the sun drifting off the molten asphalt, the miles ahead and the dark haired beauty I left behind. Will her and the oriental chick meet while I’m away? Will there be trouble in paradise? Will my Wyoming gal be waiting for me, will the tease from Texas chase me down? Will I have enough coin for another Margarita and a tank of gas? Ah, the questions of the road. Just got to get out there to find the answers. Ride forever, Bandit.

BIKERNET NEWS FLASH–WIN SHITHERE QUICK, THE REST OF THE STAFF HAS BEEN ARRESTED

It’s 2:45 a.m. and I’m just stumbling in the door. The week’s beenhectic, and every afternoon I’ve hit a dealership for parts. Agent Zebra’sbike is almost ready for wire and a test ride. While I order parts and waitfor shipments for my Daytec rigid, I’m all over the Zebra-stretched Paughcowith the new 88-inch RevTech motor and Baker 6-speed transmission, butevery stumbling, bumbling step of the way has been a learning experience.For instance: Don’t ever bolt the engine and tranny down until the innerprimary is aligned. Of course this is wise info, but I still can’t figureout how to get to the tranny nuts on the bottom to tighten them. Don’t setup your exhaust brackets without the mesh gaskets in place. They change theposition of the pipes by a 1/4-inch. Before you bolt in that brand-new,chromed oil bag flush it with something, and make sure it’s clean.

Zebra flew in from Miami today for another meeting with Miramax andKoppleson on the 1%er movie project. He’s working round the clock on the23rd revision. Standing hopelessly next to the bike, his eyes crossing andblinking as he nodded out against the lift, he was of little use. Wrenchworked around him feverishly, bleeding the rear brakes. Renegade cussed theAgent, slapped him, and gave him another beer, then while Zebra mumbled andstumbled away from the bike, Renegade attached the final oil lines. My dayshave been non-stop with writing assignments, working out, and trying toassist the brothers with the wrenching. I delivered the fenders and theBandit II tank to Phil Stadden, a Hamster custom painter, to have thebobbed fenders painted to match the tank.

Screw it, the Jack Daniel’s, the lights on the harbor, the glistenof chrome under smudged fingerprints, the tools scattered around thegarage, the lists of parts, the desire to go find her at this time of nightare reeling through my mind. We’ve all been there, can smell the firstblasts of exhaust as the new motor fires to life, the tingle in ourfingertips waiting for our first ride, the image as we stand back and takein the long lines of your bike complete for the first time, and the listsof things that still need to be done. It’s a rush, that first ride, asensation of wonder, achievement, glee, terror (that we forgot something),and the risk that we will, in short order, be on the freeway at 80 mph(remember the break-in period) splitting lanes on something we cobbledtogether in our garage.

I’m going to crash, get my ass up early, and get to the news:

RAFFLE SORTA CONTEST MAYBE–WHO KNOWS–BUT IF YOU ARE ONE OF THEFIRST SIX TO REGISTER ON THE SITE AND SEND ME YOUR ADDRESS TO bandit@bikernet.com YOU WILL RECEIVE THE LATEST ISSUE OF HORSE MAGAZINE,A COPY OF EASYRIDERS’ BEST BIKES, A CUSTOM CHROME FANNY PACK, A SERIES OFBANDIT BIKE POSTERS, OR A CUSTOM CHROME BRIEFCASE. EACH WEEK WE’LL BEGIVING SHIT AWAY FROM PARTS THAT DON’T FIT ON OUR STURGIS PROJECTS TOBIKERNET SHIT TO MY BOOKS. BE THERE, BE THERE, BE THERE!

EXCELSIOR-HENDERSON ANNOUNCES AGREEMENT REACHED WITH CREDITORS– The Bankruptcy Court had approved the disclosure statement to bedistributed to creditors in connection with its proposed plan ofreorganization. The plan of reorganization is the product of intensiveefforts by the Company to design a strategy that would enable the Companyto reorganize and obtain the required additional equity funding to preservethe future of the Company. As previously announced, the proposed plandescribes how the various secured and unsecured creditors will be paid, andalso describes that the Company’s current stockholders will neither retainnor obtain an equity interest in the Company going forward. The Company didnot receive a proposal from any buyer, which provided for continuedparticipation of the Company’s equity holders.

Under bankruptcy law, approval of the Company’s stockholders is notnecessary for confirmation of the reorganization plan. Accordingly, thedisclosure statement and plan will not be distributed to stockholders.Stockholders who wish to review the disclosure statement and plan mayaccess the documents on the U.S. Bankruptcy Court’s Web site at HYPERLINKhttp://www.mnb.uscourts.gov www.mnb.uscourts.gov. The disclosurestatement and related plan will be filed with the United States Securitiesand Exchange Commission on Form 8-K.

The approved disclosure statement also reflects the agreement reachedwith the State of Minnesota regarding a loan made by the MinnesotaAgricultural and Economic Development Authority. If the plan is confirmed,the Authority will receive full principal payments over a period not toexceed nine years. As previously announced, other secured creditors willreceive restructured notes. Unsecured creditors will receive, among otherthings, a pro rata distribution of cash and the right to receive an annuitystream of certain royalties based on the Company’s gross sales, subject toa maximum amount. These payments will only partially satisfy unsecuredclaims. Under the plan, E.H. Partners will contribute or cause to becontributed a substantial capital infusion in exchange for the issued andoutstanding equity of the Company upon the effective date.

The Company’s Co-Founders and Co-Chief Executive Officers, Dan and DaveHanlon said, “We believe the proposed plan of reorganization represents thebest available alternative for the Company and its creditors. It is also agood alternative for the surrounding community as we expect manufacturingoperations will resume in Belle Plaine. However, it is highly unfortunatethat all equity shareholders, common and preferred, including ourselves,lost our entire equity stake. There are a lot of shareholders andmotorcyclists who have believed in us and the Company, and it isunfortunate that we are all sacrificing. We regret that a plan could not bedeveloped by the Company and E.H. Partners, which provided for continuedparticipation by the Company’s equity holders. Regardless of theseshort-term setbacks, we remain steadfastly committed to the future ofExcelsior-Henderson, and we hope that others will also. “

FLASH–ONE MAGAZINE DOWN–Word is that Road & Track is to be no more.Seems too outrageous but our source is more credible than most. Anyoneheard anymore?I can’t believe it. We need confirmation.–Bandit

PAINTER NEEDED–Learned a lot from your “Custom Paint tech. Couldyou send me the addresses of more painters. I live in the Suffock,Virginia, area. There are no real custom painters in these parts. Remember,the party never ends.–EZ-J

THE GEORGE CARLIN THEORY– “The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch,you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating … you finish off as an orgasm.”

IDYLWILD NEWS–next trip to Idylwild go out the I-10….Turn offat “The Crossroads” bar (Yucaipa)..But instead of turning in, keep headingdown “Dunlap Blvd” (back towards L.A.) about 3/4 of a mile ..You will finda fairly new scoot shop (Sanity’s Edge)…It’s a nice place w/cool peopleand HOT scoots…Take a camera (please)..He could use some EXPOSURE and youare the bro who has the connections … If one isn’t really looking theymiss it from the freeway…I sure enjoy your site and stories…Keep up theGREAT work…SCOOTER

BIG DOG MOTORCYCLES UNLEASHES THE 2000 WOLF–Leading the pack once again in 2000, Big Dog Motorcycleshas electrified the industry with the addition of the Wolf, astandard-setting model that is sure to turn the heads of enthusiasts andcritics alike. New to the Big Dog pound, the Wolf arrives in style withclean, stretched lines and a radical air dam that takes aerodynamics to anew and exciting level. Slung low and ready to pounce, the Wolf’s stretchedchassis features a hidden shock, non-stop chrome and trick 18-inch billetwheels. This rocket is finished with Big Dog designed custom fendersfeaturing built-in, recessed tail light and tag. But don’t think the Wolfis all bark and no bite. No way. The Wolf won’t keep any rider hungry formore power with a bone-crunching, pavement-burning 107 cubic inch TotalPerformance Engineering Pro Series engine. This power plant delivers topperformance, no matter the driving situation.

“We believe the Total Performance engine has brought some strongtechnical advancement to our drivetrain,” said Nick “The Knife” Messer,president of Big Dog Motorcycles. Prepare yourself, the new standard forexotic customs is here and it’s called the Wolf.

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT–Dreams:Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird thatcannot fly.–Langston Hughes

Self-imageWe either make ourselves miserable or we make ourselves strong.The amount of work is the same.–Carlos Castaneda

LAUGHLIN UPDATE–Remember the desert heat of Laughlin, theglittering casinos, the wind across the highway as you leaned your bikeinto town? Neither do I, but it happened, believe me, and another event isin the planning stages.

Event dates for the 2001 Laughlin River Run will be announcedMonday, October 2nd. Discount room packages, event entry and concerttickets go on sale Wednesday, November 1st by calling Dal-Con Promotions at(714) 694-2800 or visit us online at Laughlinriverrun.com.

Hey, here’s some of the winners of the annual bike show next to theColorado River: This is wild, the winner of the Event drawing was a woman,Debbie Cacciacarne (wow, whatta name), of Rosemond, California, and thePoker Run top dog was also a woman, Jennifer Murray of Dana Point,California. The Best of Show award went to a restored 1947 Indian Chief,Richard Bunch of San Jose, California. The Best Radical Rubbermount wasJeff Wolf of Kolone, Canada. The Best Solid mount went to Hatt Hotch orFullerton, California. Best Radical Chopper went to a 1968 FL belonging toYasuyoshi Chikazawa of Huntington Beach, California. Best Mild Custom for a2000 custom to Justin Banks of Palm Springs, California. Best Street Customfor a 1996 Softail Custom by Gary Hopper, of Allen, Texas. Sportster awardwent to Verlie Sanchez, Gilbert, Arizona. Antique Best went to a goodfriend Don Whalen of Monrovia, California for his 1941 Indian Chief.Sidecar award went to William Coddington or Las Vegas and his 1946 EL, andfinally the Open Class award was handed to a 1966 BSA owned by Paul Ponkowof Henderson, Nevada.

WIRING HASSLES– Bandit, got the 1960 FL running. Something about a 40-year-old millcoming back to life that’s a great thing. Wiring was done like you sentme– works great. you are the MAN. Saw you in the Horse. Haven’t got achance to read it yet. Got miles to put on my motor but when it rains Iwill. Sorry to hear about RIP. Ride Free, Brother– Phil Hoffman

BIKERNET EAST MEETS REVTECH–Custom Chrome introduces world’s first rocket-powered Zebra. The powerplant of the Great Zebra Northern Steamer for Bikernet Chop-Off 2000. TheGreat Zebra Northern Steamer is to be a biker’s bike. No fantasylandHollywood bullshit in the way of $80,000 paint jobs or diamond encrustedspokes, no chop-shop hoopla, the Zebra Steamer is going to the root ofAmerican bike building, tight, right, fast and reliable. It’s being builtby the rider, with help from Bandit, Wrench, the Chinaman and the torquekings at Casa El Horsepower, in an anonymous San Pedro, California garage.The scoot is being designed to take a lead wrist and heavy beatings withoutsnapping, leaking, dying or crying.

Our bros at Custom Chrome, legendary for their fine products andexcellent customer service, answered our call for horsepower, durability,fit, form and function, by shipping to the Bikernet garage one 88-inchRevTech monster. The Zebra Steamer’s heart and soul arrived crated andmounted on a temporary engine stand, for simple storage prior toinstallation. And talk about ready to ride. When you get an engine fromCustom Chrome, you get an engine, one that’s ready to plug in, gas up andride, tuned and pruned. These suckers come complete with carb and ignitionsystem. It is literally bolt-in ready when it comes off the truck with anyOEM or custom frame which will hold an Evolution (see engine tech in theCustom Chrome department in the near future).

The entire system is designed on a CAD (computer assisted design)system, just like the ones used at the big automotive plants. This meansyou get the latest in engine technology available. Every component iscreated from new tooling techniques in a state-of-the-art ISO manufacturingplant. But high-tech engineering manufacturing equipment and techniquesaren’t any good without great concepts to use them on. Again, CustomChrome has put its money where its product is and created somerevolutionary new thinking in big-twins.

STURGIS 2000 CHOP-OFF EXPOSE–Hey Bandit, the site just keeps getting better. It was interesting to readthe softer side of Agent Zebra as he explained your Chop-Off dilemma. Iapplaud you for setting the story straight. So many shops forget about thecustomer. We need to support the shops that know who pays the bills.

By the way, I just got back from a fly and ride down to New Mexico. Imade a point of heading to Tombstone to check out Pat Kennedy’s shop. I’m afan of his front ends. I’d like to think a stretch front end with a 21 onmy Road King is the poor boy answer to your Cruising Chopper.–Jet CityLongrider

RADIOWOODSTOCK.COM AIRS MOTORCYCLE PROGRAM–We are a radio station on the Internet that plays 4 channels of the bestRock N Roll on the WWW.We will be airing “The Motorcycle Show” on Saturdays 8-9pm. It is hostedby English Don the Associate Editor of The Horse Magazine. He will beplaying his selections of cool, deep cut classic motor head rock & rollmusic as he talks shop.

Hoggers can get all the latest on the motorcycleworld, including current events, shows, conventions, news about races,swap meets and stories of interest. Don also goes on the road withRadioWoodstock.com and covers events like the Daytona Bike Week andWeb casts “live” from the event.If you have any questions, please call me at 212 580-0190 or e-mail meat scottm@radiowoodstock.com

DOWNED HAMSTER–I am sending a “group” update on Mike Robins’ condition. For all who don’tknow, Mike had triple bypass surgery on Wed. May the 10th. This was aresult of, and I quote, “all that good clean livin’.” I guess you know wherethat quote came from! Regardless, he came through the surgery with flyingcolors,and was released on Sunday. The surgeon was amazed, but, said he had nodamage to his heart, and should be good as new after his recovery. He isdoing excellent & would be doing a lot better if he had not gone to the shoponMonday!

After a few choice words, lots of persuasion, and a reprimand fromthe cardiologist, he decided to take a few days to rest, and heal. As youcansee, I am sending this e-mail from the shop, so….we are working a littletoday,but, under strict supervision by his private nurse! We missed Myrtle Beach,butplan on going to the R.O.T. rally in Austin, Tx. June 9th, 10th, and 11th.Thank you all for your concern, and inquiries, Sincerely, Nancy Robins

RESPONSE TO DR. DEWEY RETORT LAST WEEK–Hey Dr. Dufus, that was some response to our ownZebra. I must say, the typing y’all did was themost work you have done for the site in the lastsix months. I have some more work for you, see ifyou can even hold a firearm in your hand withoutpissin’ your pants and running home to mother.nighty-night, darling, love Jon-P.S. By the way, when Zebra reads your humor, prayto your god (you) that zebra has any humor in hisbones!

AGENT ZEBRA’S RESPONSE–Dear Dr. Dewey, do you shave yourpussy?”–Zebra

NEW CONTRIBUTOR–Hey Bandit! Sorry to hear about the cluster fuck involving WEST COAST.Guess it ain’t like the old days when a man’s word was THE word … no needfor lawyers/contracts/courts. A handshake was the final determination.

Anyway…been riding since around 1969..started reading ER when I wasstationed in the ‘Crotchback in the early-mid 70’s. (I was an Air Wingeron board the U.S.S. MIDWAY during Operation Frequent Wind/S. Vietnam Evac)Never made it to land, lost a few friends over there and more after theygot back here.

Written stuff for “HOT BIKE”, “IRON HORSE”, “Harley Women”, “HOOSIERMOTORCYCLIST”, “HOOSIER RIDER”, “THE HORSE-BackStreet Choppers” over theyears, teach the MSF Riders Course for ABATE of Indiana, certified/factorytrained Harley wrench, certified machinist, etc. Just wondered if youmight be interested in some tech stuff, input from the streets…hell,maybe a column on riding safe on the street based on my training/experienceand observations. In any case….GREAT SITE!! Wish you all the best in thefuture. Respectfully Racer

I’m proud to announce that Race will be working with us in thefuture. Initially we would like to put up a series of articles on theadvance riders’ course. For those of us that can’t eeeeeek out the timefrom the pub to take it, Race will endeavor to bring the curriculum aliveon the streets of Bikernet. We gotta keep you guys safe from the carpeople.–Bandit

SICK OF EASYRIDERS–Hey Bandit, I’m sure you’re sick of hearing about Easyriders, but Iwanted to tell ya I’ve read the rag since it started way back when. Stillhave almost every issue since number 1 except for the ones I loaned out orforgot to renew the subscription in time. Anyway, I miss your input andcreativity at ER. It’s just not the same, but I’m happy for ya doin yourown thing!!! I’ll be checkin’ in on this Web site regular. Ride Hard, DieFast–Humphrey

Never sick of Easyriders!

42 ARRESTED IN MOTORCYCLE GANG RAIDS–42 Hundreds of officers scoop up guns, cash and bikes in sweep againstthe Mongols. Three are charged with murder.

Hundreds of federal agents and Los Angeles County sheriff’s deputiesfanned out over three states Friday to drop an investigative net over theMongols motorcycle club, arresting at least 42 people in Southern Californiaand seizing dozens of illegal guns, cocaine and stolen motorcycles, theysaid.

The crackdown was the culmination of a perilous, 2 1/2-yearinvestigation in which an undercover federal agent joined the club and roseinto its executive ranks, officials of the U.S. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobaccoand Firearms said.

Authorities described the Mongols as among the most violent of theoutlaw motorcycle gangs, and said its members were suspected in a widevariety of crimes that include murder, extortion, arson, weapons violationsand illegal drug dealing.

At least three of those arrested Friday were charged with murder, ATFspokesman John D’Angelo said. The three are Adrian Gutierrez, 36, of MontereyPark, and two men identified only as David Herrera and David Rivera. Most ofthose arrested were charged with narcotics or firearms violations, D’Angeloadded.

The undercover ATF agent, who was not identified, joined theMongols’San Fernando Valley branch and rose through the ranks to become clubtreasurer, according to John Torres, the assistant agent in charge of theATF’s Los Angeles bureau. Before joining, Torres said, the agent wassubjected to a background check by a private investigator working for theMongols. How a veteran federal agent managed to pass that check and remainundetected for two years in a reputedly ruthless motorcycle gang was amongthe tantalizing questions left unanswered by the federal officials, whodeclined to discuss the operation in any detail.

ODD CLASSIFIEDS–2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 weeks old, Perfectmarkings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00. For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

QUICKIES–A man came up with a new invention, a vibrating tampon. That way a woman can be at her best when she is at her worst.

What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like? Depends…

What’s “68”? You do me and I owe you one.

What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gagged!

FYI NEWS ITEM–For anyone interested in land speed racing, you might want to logonto: www.elmirage.org The new site gives you background on the ElMirage dry lakes used for, among other things, land speed racing sincethe 1930’s. The site seems to have fairly good content, but thecalendar need a bit of filling in. The site also seems to be “a workin progress” but is worth a peek.

LAUGHLIN CRITIQUE–re: bikernews (last section Golden Nugget piece) Yer a regular fuckin’Billy Shakespeare when it comes to describin’ hardbellies. –Virus

STAND BY: FLASH TRAFFIC AGENT ZEBRA-EYES ONLY–This is Suntransmitting fromTaiwan. Urgently need information from the German Feminine that only YOUcan obtain. Have bike paint job design in mind but need certain words inGerman to complete it. Ask the German Feminine how you say “Steel Horse”or “Iron Horse” in German. Once asked this of Bandit, but he must havebeen recovering from some Black Jack and drug induced bacchanal with somesweet innocent thing from the local high school playground and forgot.(No offense Bandit!) That’s it! Keep riding and writing–Sun, Bikernetforeign correspondent

NICK THE DICK MEETS ZEBRA, WORLDS COLLIDE–Dear Mr. Toole, It was so nice to see you lurking around the garageSaturday scrounging for food in the trash bins, when I was busy wrenchingmy champion steed for Sturgis. That is, after I got Bandit’s chrome-platedmess off the fuckin’ rack. And might I say you’re looking especially fatand ugly. You may want to make an appearance before the hose in the nearfuture, judging from the perfume of human offal and vomit which lingered inthe garage four hours after your much celebrated departure. And was thatsome sort of disease on your face, or are you trying to grow a beard? Atfirst I thought the Chinaman had bent over to pick up a wrench and the rearseam on his trousers had blown, then I figured it must be the plague, butBandit informs me you’re growing a beard in celebration of Sturgis. Ishall take him at his word, though I think we both know how foolish thatcan be. Have a happy divorce and may you have many more. Yours in infiniteadmiration, Don Zebra

POLITICALLY STRAIGHTFORWARD–Glad to see that some elements of what used to make ER a staple in myliterary cupboard can still be found. Good stuff. But one thing that reallychaps my hide is the apparent squeamishness I find in all of the bikermedia outlets when it comes to taking the Democratic party, particularlythat in CA, to task over “freedom of choice”. Those fucking hypocrites!Sure there are good Dem’s like Ed Vincent and a few others but it’s thedamn party that needs a good slap upside the face.

All of the blue collar union members who pay their dues to support aparty that has, and does, promote a socialist agenda (read helmet laws)needa real sharp slap in the face. As a former member of NFFE I can now sleepwith a clear conscience because I know that I am not standing on the plankthat I’m trying to lift. I suggest the rest of freedom loving union membersdo likewise. The union members have the power to change this if they willsimply tell their leadership that they’ve had enough and promise they willvote Republican ACROSS THE BOARD until the Dem’s burn that plank in theirplatform; then live up to that promise.

TOTO, I HAVE A FEELING WE’RE NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE–A blindingflash of light, then nothing. Slowly a dim blurred gray light brightenedand forms began to emerge. The forms became objects, a night stand, alamp, an alarm clock and beyond, a wall, a window filled with the morningsblue sky and the crown of an un-manicured palm tree. With the images clearother senses began to awaken in the same fashion, a familiar smell, an achein a neck muscle, the sound of the ticking clock. Next thoughts at firstunclear and disjointed began to form.

Suddenly a primordial thought, a survival instinct evolved over millionsyears explodes “WHERE THE HELL AM I?” Frozen in a panic of selfpreservation the senses retreat and the thoughts take the full focus ofbeing. A frantic search through recent memories attempts to answer thequestion. A bar, of course, every evening ends in a bar and is the portalthat leads to the next morning. This was a new bar, a business meeting?The meeting ended but the JD kept flowing. There was a woman of course,there always is. There was something unusual about this woman, what wasit? I must be in her bed, is she still here? Slowly rolling over to seewhat last night’s indiscretions involved.

OPPOSE UNCONSTITUTIONAL GUN CONTROL–Addressed to: The President and Congress of the US

Sponsored by: Second Amendment Sisters

Web site: http://www.i-charity.net/sw.cgi/ptn/4/tfref/5046

Not only can you sign this petition online, but alsoyou may leave a comment and a link to your web site.You can also read the comments of other people whosigned this petition. So far there are 45615 signatures.

Here is a brief description of this petition:

We are at important crossroad in protecting ourConstitutional Rights. With media support and exploitationof tragedy, the Million Mom March and HCI will succeed indiminishing our absolute right to bear arms, unless amillion of US say something! You deserve safety in your ownhome and person! Let lawmakers know that our 2nd AmendmentRights are NON-NEGOTIABLE, and put to rest the notion that75% of “the American people” support gun control. Lettingsomeone else do it is no longer an option.

EAST COAST REPORT–Well, darling man:The mention of your name and good wishes brought wide grins to the angelfaces and appreciation from Mr. Barger.

It was great to meet the man. I rode with him and the chapter through thestreets of New York City tonight. I was the only biker lady. I waspositioned just after the colors and before the independents. We hauledass, with Mr. Barger and Mr. Zito in the lead. A great experience.

The line was two hours worth of signing. The boys kept things real tight.I left my bike unlocked and helmet on the seat right on the streets of NYC.Nobody touched a thing.

There was paparazzi, video cameras and more. Usually, it’ssort of sacrilege to photograph. But they had to allow it for the bookpublicity. All the sergeant of arms were totally photographed.

The publicist was so completely out of her element. She was a nice girlthough. The signing went well, but the after party was not at allrespectful towards Sonny. Not a scrap of food and these men stood forthere boss from 5p – 9p with nothing to eat. Not even an open bar. Whatkind of party is that? Not one angel is under 250lbs, I can’t imagine themgetting by without dinner.

Prez said to the gal, hey get some pizza. Hunger pangs were loud for all. Ioffered the girl a few suggestions and she only had a corporate credit card.No pizza place takes credit cards. I said, talk to the bar owner, tell himto put the pizza on a tab and you pay him. That didn’t work, I say shedidn’t work him. She was desperate, so I took her credit card and foundfood for the party. I don’t really even know the publicist. The boys werethankful. She was thankful.

Then I had a delightful moonlit ride home all alone.–Sasha, live in NewYork City.

JOB ADS YOU CAN’T MISS– “Competitive Salary” We remain competitive by paying you less than our competition.

“Join our fast-paced company” We have no time to train you.

“Casual work atmosphere” We don’t pay enough to expect that you will dress up; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

EMPLOYEE EVALUATIONS–

I would not allow this employee to breed.

This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won’t be.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.

THE GOOD AGENT–Good of Agent Zebra to set the story straight.West Coast Choppers indeed! As I have read the saga of the touring chopperand the latest alternator swap under the Custom Chrome banner I have cometo realize that while Jesse is a master craftsman with metal his buildingskills possibly do not meet his rep. When read as a whole it appears thetouring chopper lacked in motor, chassis, handling, saddlebags, wiring.Where does the list end? Now the latest scoop with the demise of the BugatiBandito to be strewn in pieces and discarded. What the fucko? I wish youwell in your projects and must confess I am glad you have come to yoursenses and taken control yourself of the building phase. Your bikes werealways “out there” now take the credit yourself. I look forward to your andZebra’s bikes on Bikernet. Ride safe old stud! Anson Alexander

What’s that “old” shit?

MARVEL ENTERPRISES AND CRYSTAL SKY ENTERTAINMENT JOIN FORCES TOPRODUCE THE GHOST RIDER–Marvel Enterprises, Inc. (NYSE:MVL) andCrystal Sky Entertainment have entered into an agreement to jointly producea feature film based on Ghost Rider, one of Marvel’s most successful andedgy comic book characters. The announcement was made today by Avi Arad,President and CEO, Marvel Studios, and Steven Paul, President and CEO,Crystal Sky Entertainment.

Scheduled for production early next year, Ghost Rider is expected tobe budgeted at $75 million. Johnny Depp is being targeted to play the GhostRider. Arad, Paul and Academy-Award winning actor Jon Voight, who may alsoplay a role in the film, will produce. The Ghost Rider screenplay wasscripted by David Goyer, the writer of the acclaimed and successful Bladefilm.

Ghost Rider, who made his debut in August 1972 in Marvel SpotlightNo. 5, is one of Marvel’s premiere properties. The Ghost Rider storylinefocuses on a motorcycle stuntman, who, seeking revenge for harm done to hisone true love, makes a pact with dark forces to avenge the wrongdoing. Byday, the Ghost Rider is a motorcycle stuntman able to perform superhumantricks; by night he is transformed into a burning demon on wheels as hehunts down those who bring pain to the innocent.

START YOUR OWN BIKER RAG– Here’s information on publishing aFull Throttle Magazine in your area. Wecurrently produce editions in Florida, Georgia, North Carolina and our neweststate New Jersey! We have magazine owners who know very little aboutcomputers, know nothing about the printing business, can’t type worth a damnand yet they run successful editions. All you need todo is sell ads, write local stories, take a few pictures, have a faxmachine, install a 800 telephone number and use Federal Express – we’ll dothe rest!

We support each edition by supplying editorial copy, complete layout andfuture income via national ad sales. Hopefully during the next 6-12 months,Full Throttle will add additional national ads for all editions (examples:Custom Chrome, Arlen Ness, Corbin, Pro 1, motorcycle manufacturers,Budweiser, Jack Daniel’s, Marlboro, etc.).

We will typeset, layout and print your edition here in Tampa Bay. Via thelarge number of magazines we print monthly, we have secured the lowestpossible printing and freight costs. We are able to ship 10,000 magazinesfor about $225.00 per month.

This system has been working for us for the past 6 1/2 years and itis easier than it sounds! Our Web page will show you the approximatecost of doing a Full Throttle magazine. You’ll see the costs of each itemand the costs that it takes to put an edition out. YOU make the decision ofhow many pages your book will be (40 page minimum). YOU make the decision ofhow many color pages your book will have. YOU make the decision of how manybooks you want to print. We have a few guidelines, but YOU own your ownbusiness, YOU are the boss ….

Check Out our Web page for more info at www.fullthrottleusa.com or sende-mail to fullthrottle@ij.net or call us at 1-800-889-8180

PENNSYLVAINA MOTORCYCLISTS RALLY IN HARRISBURG MAY 22– “Tell thetruth about motorcycle safety.” That’s the message motorcyclists fromacross the state will send to legislators and opponents of helmet lawreform when they gather here for the state’s annual motorcyclists’ rightsrally May 22.”We’re sick and tired of being victimized by distorted statistics, biasedstudies and big-money, high-pressure lobbying tactics used by ouropponents, who believe that the answer to motorcycle safety is to put ahelmet on somebody’s head,” said Joe Dickey, state president of A.B.A.T.E.of Pennsylvania, the commonwealth’s oldest and largest motorcyclists’rights organization.”Just two weeks ago,” Dickey continued, “The Washington Times reported thatJoan Claybrook, the head of the National Highway Traffic SafetyAdministration under President Carter, has publicly apologized for usingcontrived statistics and outright lies to encourage mandatory air bags inautomobiles. The guilt finally caught up with her after 20 years andnearly 200 deaths caused by air bags. NHTSA has used the same scandalouslies to distort the record of helmets in saving lives.”The simple truth is that real-world experience in state after state hasproven that the only way to reduce the number of motorcycle injuries andfatalities is to prevent motorcycle accidents,” he said. “Common senseshould tell everyone that mandating helmet use will never accomplish thatgoal.”Dickey cited statistics from all 50 states, which show that states whichrequire the mandatory use of helmets by motorcyclists account for adisproportionate share of accidents, injuries and fatalities.In 1997, for example, mandatory helmet states, which had 62 percent of allmotorcycle registrations, accounted for 64 percent of motorcycle fatalitiesand 66 percent of all motorcycle accidents. States which have recentlymodified their helmet laws to allow adults the right to make their owndecision on helmet use have not experienced the increase in fatality ratespredicted by the opponents of personal responsibility. Governor Bush ofFlorida is currently expected to sign a bill passed by both the House andSenate that will make Florida the thirtieth state in which experiencedadult motorcyclists will have the option to choose helmet use.

For more information contact the A.B.A.T.E. of Pennsylvania state officeat 717-234-3777.

WISH I HAD SAID–

A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

IRON HORSE OF NEW MEXICO CORRECTION– Not Exactly a correction.Well, all right I omitted Don Center’s stats. He’s building these monstertrikes for guys who prefer or are forced to ride trikes in lieu of twowheels. They’re bad and available in a turn key fashion or kit form, so youcan put your own monster together. Don’s building an new one with a brandnew 500 horsepower power plant, which will allow any grinning customer toleap small buildings in a single snap of the throttle. His shop is actuallylocated in Roswell, New Mexico, at 1408 S. Main, (505) 627-7858. Watch,I’ll get the phone number wrong this time.

MO’ CHOP-OFF COMPETITION BAD NEWS–Dear Mr. Bandito, I’m writing to inform you that the Great NorthernSteamer, my spangled entry into Chop-Off 2000, will be operational in oneweek. This notice is to allow you time to weep and grieve properly. SoonSouth Beach will thunder with the Steamer’s new RevTech 88 as I begintesting, preparing for our friendly little race to Sturgis 2000. My Baker6-speed tranny is running smoothly, as all Baker trannys do. My Avons holdthe road like a nipple holds onto a breast.

Thanks to the Chinaman and his unusual speed on a rack, I will befinishing ahead of schedule. I will use the extra time to do fly-bys onyour rotting castle in San Pedro. As I understand it, you are still tryingto sweep together the mess made of your former motorcycle. Chortle,chortle, chuck, chuck. I pity you. Time will tell and shit will smell. Ihear Amtrak runs a train north and it comes within 20 miles of Strugis.Perhaps you should book passage before it fills up. Yours in streakingRevTech glory, Zebra

SHUT THE LID– The fog is still hovering over the harbor as Istrain to keep my eyes open. The Agent is correct, I’m running a long forthin the race to Sturgis. Jesse with all his money, mechanics and equipmentis cranking out choppers faster than Reddenbalker makes popcorn. Billy Laneis carving another frame on the pages of Horse Magazine. Zebra’sbike is nearly ready to be wired.

Yet, with little cash, no professional mechanics, milling machines andlathes, I will somehow catch the pack. Just you wait. My Samson exhaustsystem arrived today, the Roadwings wheels are laced and ready, and I stillhave a couple of nuts and bolts. I never said chrome. We’re bolting andpulling the plug for the ride. Who needs a taillight. We’ve got toride.–Bandit

My dad has a 107 Merch motor and was dying to stuff it into a chopper, so we ordered a West Coast Choppers frame.

As soon as we got it out of the box, my dad didn’t like it; he wanted something with more stretch and rake. It just so happened that I had an H-D Evo motor and tranny at the shop, and I decided to build the chopper for the showroom. Parts were ordered little by little over the next couple months. Andy at Custom Chrome and Elizabeth at Chrome Specialties were great about getting the orders out quickly. If you follow the Bikernet news section, you might have an idea of the whole build. It’s taken 2½ months.

One thing that makes a project easy is knowing beforehand what the bike will (sort of) look like and what components will be used. With that in mind,let’s get to the build.

The salty Caribbean air and chromed aluminum parts don’t gotogether. We had some parts that were new but already showed chipped chrome, including the forward controls, triple trees and grips. They were going to be powder-coated anyway, so it didn’t matter. Besides, it was dead stock that we were moving. I’m not going to mention names but anyone with a keeneye will know the manufacturer.

The first mockup was so-so. The rear fender was back ordered and thefork legs were too long. The plan was a narrow glide front end and 19-inchwheel, to make it look longer. When we received the tank (WCC CFL,which is built and sold by Custom Chrome), it was wider than expected and theskinny front end looked out of place. It was ditched and a wide glidetook its place, as well as a 21 wheel-tire combo.

The rear fender was in, a Two-eight by WCC, made for the frame. Well,the radius of the fender was too much and we could spin the 200-by-18 Avon tyrearound with the fender stuck to it. Some heavy cutting and grinding tookplace in order to free them both. I was expecting a better fit from theWCC fender. With all the “custom” work we did, we ended up with about 8inches less steel.

Spacing the rear wheels and Exile sprocket/brake proved to be ahandful. WCC has a hidden axle that looks very cool, but you have to be pretty accurate to make the right spacers, since the axle will not be able tobring the ends closer for a tighter fit. The Exile sprocket runs prettyclose to the brake bracket so a minimal spacer had to be made. Hours wereburned measuring and re-measuring the fender and bungs position before tackwelding. We guessed that the chain would have clearance problems with thefender and we were right.

Full mockup: The motor and tranny aligned pretty well with a stock H-Dprimary, but were hell to align with a BDL open primary. The motor sat veryfirmly and no shims had to be used, but there was a small gap between theplate and the cases. We left everything loose and forced the plate in. I think the tranny plate is to blame. A front regulator/oil filter plate was canned after grinding a half moon notch to fit into the frame down tubes. That’s when I came up with the idea to hide the regulator on the open belt plate. The filter stayed in factory position.

Here enters the new owner. He saw the Jesse James video (like millions of people on this planet) and went to check out the mocked-up bike. He likedit and a deal was made. Before this, the bike was for the showroom and was being built at our pace. Now a deadline was set and all hell broke loose. By theway, I want to thank my girlfriend, Yoly, for understanding my overnightersand lending a hand.

We worked all night, every day to put this bike together beforeSturgis. When all was welded in place and molded, the frame and rear fender went to the paint booth. The tank had to be worked on, moving the bung to a lower location in order to get more gas. Panic struck when I arrived at the shopand saw the color. Our guys have the good sense to always spray a samplebefore actually doing the parts. I had hoped to have the bike ready for the Jack Daniel’s BBQ. Boy was I cocky.

The new owner pretty much left me alone (which was great), only coming bythe shop to see photos of the bike being put together and asking for some parts that he would like.

The paint was my idea — tangerine with metal flake flames. As luck had it, we found a quart of paint in stock and got the project going once more. What you might see in the latest photos was done in five hours. Fitting all the parts two and three times makes life much simpler. Some stuff was still giving us a hard time, however. Yes, the chain rubs the fender a bit, the primary was still a pain in the ass to align and the spacers are not totally right, but that’s easy stuff.

One thing that’s great is the WCC oil tank, which fitted right in and saved us a lot of welding and measuring time. I expected more from WCC, fitting wise. A fender made for a frame should go “like butta,” as well as other littledetails. On the other hand, it’s a bike that needs “thought” and experienceto put together, which is anti-Bozo builders. In short, it makes you becreative.

By the time you read this, the electrics and front end (I hope!) willbe in place, the front brake and perches from PM are on the way (we know theyfit) and that’s about it. Maybe I’ll have it in time for Sturgis…I have no choice.

A really important part of every build; Nothing can get accomplished byone person. There’s a team of people always helping, even the guy who fetchesthe Cokes is worth his weight in gold. Thanks once more to all of you (inour shop and anyone’s), you know who you are.

Frame – WCC Dragon Choppers For Life rigid
Motor – H-D 80 cubic inch Evo, triple 80, 80 cubes, 80 horse, 80 torque
Tranny – H-D 5-speed
Wheels – CCI chrome, stainless spokes, 21 front, 18 by 5.75 rear
Tires – Avon 21 front; Avon 200-18 rear
Primary/ clutch – BDL open
Rear fender – WCC Two-eight (heavily modified)
Gas Tank – WCC CFL (CCI King Sporty tank)
Paint – Tangerine House of Kolor Kandy, with metalflake flames
Forward controls – Pro One chrome chipped
Triple Trees – Arlen Ness wide glide chrome chipped
Grips – Pro One chrome chipped
Electrical – Caribbean (by Guti the Guru)
Sprocket/ brake – Exile Cycles
Front brake – PM 4 piston
Perches – PM “old style”
Pipes – WCC Hellbent (2 months back order)
Carb – S&S
Ignition/Cam – Caribbean secret

Back to the Garage….
 

BIKERNET NEWS–STURGIS 2000CHOP-OFF COMPETITORS INVESTIGATED BY THE DEA

Hey,

Where to start? The heat in the garage has been severe lately. AsZebra’s bike takes shape under Wrench’s tutelage and expertise it’s readyfor lines and wiring, although we’re still digging in the garage for aprimary drive system. Shortly there will be a tech on the site about thenew line of engines from Custom Chrome. An 88-inch model is in place in thePaughco Chassis, along with a Baker 6-speed transmission. As for my sleekDaytec chopper, the frame is being built as we speak, the Weerd Bros frontend is on it’s way to me and the frustration is growing.

Drivinghard to stay on schedule didn’t prevent the heat from descending on the SanPedro shed. However, between burnouts in the street and the noise coming,at all times of the night, from the bedroom sparks and the grinders singingin the garage, I did manage to notice a greater police presence in theneighborhood. By Mother’s day eve it was time for a hasty retreat to thehills. Unfortunately the Agent flew in from Miami to check on the progressof his Sturgis Softail project and for some odd reason the calm dark-hairedwoman of San Pedro can’t stand his guts anywhere near the CaliforniaBorder. Zebra and I were called into last minute action by an agent ofMiramax films. We rode into Hollywood for a Jack Daniel?s injection at theMartini lounge on Melrose, then again at the dark and mysterious Cadillaclounge, before all hell broke loose. Usually calm and serene, I went off.Maybe is was the whiskey, maybe the women, maybe the pressure of the week,maybe that bastard Zebra who can’t turn a wrench with both hands and hisfeet, or maybe it was the young film executive who turned his back on me atthe wrong moment, but ice flew, glass shattered and the next thing I knewknives were drawn.

We could hear the sirens wail in the crescent moonand neon lit night as we made our way out of the seedy city for the hills.Zebra jammed to the airport without giving me the cash to complete hisbike, and I rolled out of the L.A. basin for the San Jacinto mountains, andIdlywild where I camped constantly as a kid. Fortunately Nuutboy whoendured Laughlin with us and is feverishly writing his account of themayhem in the desert, has a small tilting cabin in the granite and Pinetree strewn hills outside of town. I made it, just in time to scarf asandwich and a beer, and crash on the couch. But just as I was about tofall asleep a young woman touched my shoulder and in my haze I immediatelyrecognized the soft folds of dark hair touching my unshaven cheek. I was120 miles from L.A. through a half-dozen freeways and 30 miles of windingmountainous road leading 6000 feet into the sky. Where did she comefrom?

We better get to the news.

HARLEY-DAVIDSON OPENSROADSTORE PILOT ON VIRTUAL HIGHWAY–Now Riders Can Shop Online forGenuine Harley-Davidson ProductsHarley-Davidson enthusiasts rumblingalongthe information superhighway can now ride into The GenuineHarley-DavidsonRoadStore, a new e-commerce section of thewww.harley-davidson.com website, which opened its e-doors on April 3.Across the continental U.S., riders can purchase from awideselection of Harley-Davidson MotorClothes and Genuine MotorAccessoriesproducts shown on the RoadStore. More than 2,600 products areavailable forbrowsing, and more than 1,000 products are available forpurchase online.Products and expertise are provided by participatingHarley-Davidson e-commerce pilot dealers.

“Our RoadStore pilot combinesthe road-tested expertise and convenience ofour dealer network with thelatest Internet technology,” said John Crowell,director of distributiondevelopment for Harley-Davidson. “The RoadStoreoffers just another placewhere customers can get personalized, expertassistance from aHarley-Davidson dealer.”

Unlike traditional e-commerce sites, whichservice customers with acentralized warehouse system, the RoadStorecustomers are serviced by anetwork of actual Harley-Davidson dealers. Thisoffers RoadStore customersthe option of purchasing products to be shippeddirectly or held for pick-upfrom their selected Harley-Davidson dealer. Aconvenient Sign In/Sign Onregistration process helps enhance the buyingexperience for repeatcustomers; and registered visitors are able to saveproducts to a specialWish List for viewing or purchasing at a laterdate.The RoadStore is integrated with Harley-Davidson’s convenientdealerlocator, where riders can search for their closest dealer, learnabout theproducts and services they offer, and get a map with drivingdirections.

For more information, visitwww.harley-davidson.com.

DEAR FUCKO– I’ve got a nifty idea. Whynot put all the shit I wrote for Bikernet, on Bikernet? What do you think?To me it makes sense, as it was originally crafted for the Web site. It’sbeen some time since I wrote it, but the language should still becontemporary and I think it makes good sense. What do you think? If youagree, and I know how agreeable you are, I think you should give it a shot,you know, see what you can do, pull a few strings.

YOU DUMBMOTHERFUCKER, PUT DOWN THE JACK AND THE AIR WRENCH AND GET YOUR FAT FUCKIN’ASS IN THAT DUMP YOU CALL A HOUSE AND DOWNLOAD MY VIKINGS STORY OR I TELLTHE WORLD ABOUT YOUR LITTLE BEDWETTING PROBLEM, SWAMPSUCKER!Zebra

Whatta ya think, guys and girls? Should I give him abreak?

Dr. Dewey, our webmaster, responds:

Zebra, thefact of the matter is simple: people don’t care to read your overblown,self-indulgent and mind-numbingly long pieces of shit. After all, thereare only so many ways of working your wretched H&K 45 into a storyline.These stories tend to be nothing more than caffeine-soakedstream-of-(un)conscious strings of spurious drivel, not unlike the writingsleft behind by folks who shoot themselves in the head on an LA freewayoverpass during the live evening newscast. The length of your scribblingsalone is enough to send astrophysicists back to their labs to research newnumerical systems with which to measure the length of these so-calledstories. And in other corners of academia (outside of psychology, whichapparently gave up on you long ago), students and professors of literaturehave yet to gather up their collective jaws from the floor after trying tocomprehend the sheer volume of your meandering tomes. So get a clue. Writesomething interesting. And short. And leave out your H&K for once. Ourvisitors and our webserver will thank you, as will I.
Dr.D.

TECH FORUM–Do you offer a technical forum for riders toshare wrenching techniques. –Tom

Hey Tom, most of the mail wereceive contains tech questions. If I can’t answer it, I will send it toour resident master mechanic, Oz. We’ll find the answer one way oranother.–Bandit

LIFE’S REFLECTIONS–A lady came up to me onthe street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, “Don’t you know a cow wasmurdered for that jacket?” I said, “I didn’t know there were any witnesses.Now I’ll have to kill you too”.

Future historians will be able to studyat the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the RonaldReaganLibrary, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

HOLLISTERHARLEY-DAVIDSON NOW OPEN–Yes, my new dealership is rolling. It is mysatellite store while we build the Morgan Hill building. Nace is a player,he needed something to do, and I needed some intelligent help. I will beopen in a week and a half. Start to finish in 90 days, blew people away. Goahead and put out a news release. address is: Hollister Harley-Davidson,203 E. Hawkins St. Hollister, CA 95023 phone 831-638-9400 hours are Wed-Sun10-7. Will go to 6 days a week in a couple of months. Full dealership,bikes, parts, service etc. –Dan Stern.

Dan and Nace were the leadersof Custom Chrome for years. Since leaving the corporate world they’ve beenfighting the immense desire to become drug addicts. Harley-Davidson savedtheir lives by affording them the opportunity to open a dealership. The twomasters of the custom world now own a dealership. It should be interestingto see the bikes they build.–Bandit

TITAN SHIPS FIRST INDY 500BIKE– Titan has shipped their first motorcyclecommemorating theIndianapolis 500 race event. The Indy 500 Titan has acustom, racing orangepaint scheme featuring the official Indy 500logo. This first productionversion of the one-of-a-kind bike wasshipped to Titan ofIndianapolis.

JON TOWLE RULES–Your site sucks. It sits in thesame spot for months. The only part I, er, we enjoy is the Jon Towle part.The rest of you should put a gun to y’alls head and pull!

DO YOU THINKLOUD EXHAUST PIPES ARE… Visit our website and ADD YOUR VOTE or just check out what yourfellow riders have tosay:http://www.americanmotor.com/headlines/news/news.cfm?id=1298

LoudPipes Save Lives–Bandit

US SENATE CANDIDATE CAMPAIGNS BYMOTORCYCLE– The Miami Herald reports that Willie Logan, a FloridaUSSenate candidate, has hit the road for a 60 day campaign trail fromextremenorthwestern Florida to Key West via motorcycle. Logan isaccompanied byapproximately 16 other motorcyclists, many ridingHarleys.

INSTRUCTIONSFOR LIFE–Take into account that great love and great achievementsinvolve greatrisk.

When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

Follow thethree R’s: Respect for self. Respect for others andResponsibilityfor allyour actions.

Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes awonderful strokeof luck.

FLORIDA’S HELMET LAW REPEAL HEADS TOGOVERNOR FOR SIGNING According to a report by ABATE ofFlorida,Transportation Bill HB1911 has passed the legislature and is on thewayto Governor Jeb Bush for signing. HB1911 states that persons of 21 yrsofage may ride without a helmet providing they carry $10,000 inmedicalinsurance benefits for injuries incurred as a result of a crash whileoperating or riding on a motorcycle.

AMERICAN IRON MAGAZINE TAKES ON ANEW LOOK– Tastes great, more filling! American Iron’s cool new look islong overdue and very welcome. Creative Director Charles Queener’s revampis easy on the eyes, making full use of desktop tricks without OD’ing ondigital excess–John Siebenthaler of Siebenthaler Creative Services (727)397-5087.

AMA SEEKS BAN ON NAMING HWYS AFTER TRAFFIC OFFENDERSThe AMA is calling for legislation that wouldban the naming of highwaysafter serious traffic offenders. Theinitiative is in response to thetraffic death of AMA member TerryBarnard and subsequent naming of a roadwayafter the man who caused hisdeath, the late Tennessee state Sen. CarlKoella.

CHINESE PROVERBS– Virginity like bubble, one prick allgone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car getexhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

UPCOMINGEVENTS–The following listing was stolen from a reputable source, butif you have events coming up, big or small send them tobandit@bikernet.com. I’ll either show up and make a mess of a perfectlygood event, or list it for you.

1. Hell’s Angel Kickoff – Wed. May. 17New York, NY

2. Thunder in the Forge – Fri. May. 19 Old Forge, NY

3.Biker Days in the Osage – Fri. May. 19 Pawhuska, OK

4. Silver AuctionsPresents the Myrtle Beach Motorcycle Auction – Fri.May. 19 Myrtle Beach,SC

5. Freedom Weekend – Fri. May. 19 Shellsville, PA

6. Harleys & HotRods – Sat. May. 20 Pataskala, OH

7. Park Lawn’s 3rd Annual CharityMotorcycle Run – Sun. May. 21 OakLawn, IL

8. Multiple SclerosisMotorcycle Ride – Sun. May. 21 Camarillo, CA

9. 7th Annual Spring ThingMotorcycle Trivia & Road Run – Sun. May. 21Southfields, NY

10. MotorcycleRights Rally – Mon. May. 22 Harrisburg, PA

NEW CHOPPERBAR FROM HILL PRODUCTS–It’s the newCHOPPERBAR from Hill products. A mild apehanger in a completely differentform. Hell, Mr. Hill even designed them to be 31-inches wide to fit in yourgirlfriend’s apartment. They come with slots for wiring, and they’re thestrongest bar on the market. Sure, they’re bizarre, but you can order thesepuppies in three different configurations. In fact, we used Mr. Hill’s barsto do a tech on handlebar installation so to be posted on Bikernet. That’senough hype, here’s his Web site address:www.hillproducts.com.

STRANGE BUT TRUE– Winston Churchill wasborn in a ladies’ room during a dance.

Maine is the only state that isonly one syllable.

Los Angeles’ full name is “El Pueblo de NuestraSenora la Reina de Los

Angeles de Porciuncula” -and can be abbreviatedto 3.63% of its size: “L.A”

A cat has 32 muscles in eachear.

STURGIS 2000 BIKERNET CHOP-OFF COMPETITION EXPOSED–By Zebra.As with any builder project, there are always hurdles to overcome.Although generally those hurdles present themselves in the form of fit andfunction, rather than the actual builders themselves. Such is the casewith the Bikernet Chop-off 2000. First Jesse James at West Coast Choppersasked to tear down the Bandit II and build a rigid “West Coast Choppers”bike out of it to promote his new chopper chassis. Bandit agreed and Jesseimmediately tore apart his motorcycle. Based on this, we went to BillyLane at Choppers Inc., and asked if he’d be interested in taking on theopposing bike, mine, and build a chopper to compete with Bandit’s. Billyenthusiastically agreed and we began shipping engines, trannys, etc. Thebig motivation for the two small custom shops was of course, the publicitythey would receive as Bandit and I wrote from and about their creations androde them all over the country. They were interested in the massivereadership of Bikernet, now running around thirty and a half million visitsannually and growing. Bandit and I were willing to give the young buildersthis promotional value (as a professional advertising creative directorwith clients like Coke and Mercedes, I can tell you the cost to buyequivalent advertising space would run into the low millions due to theshelf life of the articles and extensive page length and exposures).

We did this to help promote some young builders. The project was in fullswing, I’d spent a day at Choppers Inc. crafting the first tech article andshooting pictures and interviewing the people there. Then, after tearingBandit’s bike apart, Jesse James walked off the project, citing a need towork on other bikes, leaving Bandit hanging with a basket case that wasmissing a good amount of its parts, and destroyed sheet metal. Inresponse, Billy Lane decided that without competition from West CoastChoppers and the residual publicity that he couldn?t rightfully carry onwith my bike either.

Like Bandit always says, “Time will tell and shitwill smell. “So, Bandit had what had previously been a working custommotorcycle lying in a pile, with a lot of stuff missing and I had an engineand tranny on the opposite side of the country from the Bikernet garage.Finally we decided to cut the bullshit. Bandit didn’t dothree volunteertours in Vietnam on a heavy cruiser and run 14 magazines for three decades,and I didn’t ride bulls for a living for thirteen years without learning athing or two about fighting until you get the damned job done.

Disgusted at the lack of commitment to finish what they started by ourtwo builders, Bandit the Bikernet crew decided to take matters into our ownhands (which is generally the best place for them) and build ourmotorcycles ourselves. It took five weeks to get the parts back fromChoppers Inc. Bandit is still trying to recover some of his parts fromWest Coast Choppers. Are we disgusted with these two small chopperbuilders? You bet. Bikernet works hard to bring to our readers onlytop-shelf companies and when one performs below what we consider to beBikernet standards, you’ll hear about it. It is my opinion that both ofthese companies have fallen way short.

We’re changing the direction ofChop-off 2000. The competition angle has been eliminated and replaced by abro-to-bro, shoulder-to-shoulder wrench fest. Bandit and I tease eachother a lot on the Web site, but there isn’t another man I’d rather ridewith or want backing me up in a jam. While we’re damned low on time andstill trying to recover property, we’ve decided to get together two runningchoppers and ride them proudly to Sturgis. With Wrench, Nuutboy andRenegade at our sides, we’ve called in all our heavy clients, folks likeRevTech, Weerd Bros. and Custom Chrome, Baker, Paughco Frames, Headwinds,Harley Davidson, and put them abreast of our situation and we’re receivingoutstanding support as always. Our new goal for the Chop-off 2000, to raceto Sturgis, with back tire fires and heads full of fresh Jack on ourcustom, hand built machines. Bandit and I are going back to our roots,building our own scoots, with our own hands, the way we like them, fast andsimple, no bullshit, no backing out. These will be independence choppers,American style, no bullshit politics, attitude, downtime and loss of parts.We just want to ride.

As for the vote to see which chopper the world ofbikers like best? I’ll still kick Bandit’s sorry ass from here to Lead andback, I’ll have his woman, his whiskey and he’ll have a view of my backtire all the way. For the first tech article on my Bandit crushing monster,see the new Chop-off 2000 link. May the best badass win. See you inSturgis. Saddle up and ride.

EASYRIDERS SUBSCRIBER SPEAKS–I’m asubscriber to Easyriders magazine and I don’t know what the fuck happened,but Bandit disappeared from the rag. I can’t find his name listedanywhere. At first I thought he took a little R&R down to some Mexicanbeach. But he never reappeared in the rag. Did he get pissed off and hitthe road or what? Bandit I relate to you ridin’ writin’ better thananyones. You tell it like it is without all the sugar coatin’. Seems likeI lost a brother since you disappeared from the rag. Let me know where youare and I’ll be sure to support you. I’ve been readin’ your words inEasyriders since I got my first pimple. That was a fuckin’ long time ago!Take care and ride free and safe. Oh yeah, as always this site is righteousand packed full of useful shit.

Hey, I’m right here, doin’ what Ilove best, ridin’, buildin’, writin’ and lovin’. Life is good, Bandit.

FIRST CANADIAN DRAGFEST–First Canadian Dragfest in Sanair,Quebec, Canada June 1-2-3-4, 2000 (www.dragfest.com) June 01…to bedetermined. June 02Drag motorcycle time trial AMA ProstarHot rod/ Musclecar day. Sound system competition Automobile elegance show. Liveentertainment June 03″Big Daddy Rat’s” Rat’s Hole custom choppercompetition. Drag motorcycle Qualification AMA ProstarGM/ Corvette day.Automobile elegance show and Miss Dragfest contest. Special Event Liveentertainment June 04, Drag race finals, Ratshole Custom choppercompetition finals. John Scottie’s Dealership Ferrari & Lamborghini ExoticCar Show.

DEEP THOUGHTS I think men who have a pierced ear arebetter prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.–Rita Rudner

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can’t. SoI grew hair under my arms instead. –Sue Kolinsky

I went into aMcDonald’s yesterday and said, “I’d like some fries.” The girl at thecounter said, “Would you like some fries with that?” –JayLeno

BANDIT’S BEDROLL TESTIMONIAL–I bought yer Day-Roll andBed-Roll. I have to say, these are both waaaaay-cool!! Last week I noticedsomething similar to the Day-Roll at my local H-D genuine dealership –twice the price and half the functionality — none of these other rollshave ever been road tested. I especially like the placement of the zipperson the sides–somebody really did think about what they were doinghere–unusual. “Anyhow, people have been asking me about the Day-Roll so Iwill be doing a product review for our newsletter. Two thumbs up! Gary”Blues” Hayes Iron Souls Motorcycle Club, Oakland, CA

BIKERCLARIFICATIONS–Ex-Sportster riders are like ex-alcoholics. “Hi, myname is Bob and I once owned a XLH. I’ve been clean for ten years now…OneOil change at a time.

Harley is in a league with the trilateralcommission and the United Nations to subjugate us all. They are usingmarketing and black helicopters to artificially inflate the prices of thebikes we have a God-given constitutional right to. It will leave us weakand economically defenseless from their blue helmeted coming oppression.WAKE UP! You head-up-your-ass credulous fools!

DON CENTER BUILDSTRIKES–A Texas builder with a penchant for building ’em big builtseveral Borget bikes over the last several years and is one of Roger’sbiggest dealers. But recently, he ran into several brothers who can nolonger ride two-wheelers. He went to work and created this monster and isnow taking orders.

“I’ve seen tears come to guys’ eyes when they think they canride again,” Don said to me recently. They’re light, and faster than holyhell. Watch for a tech on Don’s trike, coming shortly.

DID YOUKNOW?–It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

IRONWORKSRETRO FUTURAMA–I hate to admit it, but Editor Dennis Stemp hit one outof the park with his twin-carb project Knucklehead bobster, the “Flyin’Fossil”. During the construction of this magazine project bike, it wastouched by virtually everyone in the industry. The attention paid to fitand finish is perfection. Wait’ll they get a load of this one down at theold biker’s rest home and social hall. –John Siebenthaler CreativeServices.

GRANDMA SPEAKS–Dear Mr. Bandito, I am a grandmotherwith 24 grand children and I had your site forwarded to me recently by myrotarian club. I was shocked and appalled by the blatant references tosexual misconduct and immorality on your Web site, as well as obviousreferences to excessive alcohol consumption and illegal narcotics use. Youclearly are responsible for all those young gangbangers out there who goastray.

I hate to think of what it must be like for your neighbors, whoare forced, according to the goodly Zebra, to watch you “stand naked on thefront steps of Casa El Horsepower and scratch your erect prod in themorning sun.” I may be an old woman, but I know what a “prod” is and I cantell you, the front porch is no place for such an implement of secrecy.You are a winged angel of black morality and should be dipped in scaldingoil and flogged relentlessly until you turn from your deviant ways. Pleasetake down this revolting and socially disruptive Web site at once and headfor your nearest church for a thorough confession- an event, which I wouldimagine could take several days. I will collapse upon bended knee and prayfor your lost soul and light a candle each day for you as I slip aboutnaked on microwaved applesauce with old man Bigsby next door. Burn, baby,burn, Mrs. Emma Luginsland

HAMSTER ALERT, THERE’S A LEAK IN THEINFORMATION FAUCET–I have a frickin’ migraine headache. Still fromyesterday. Owwwwiiiieee! But at least I get an E for effort that I’msittin’ at this computer. The weekend was good, went riding on Fridaynight and then down to the Joint, place was packed, bikes everywhere for ablock and a half. Doesn’t get much better than that. So did Joy fromSpearfish call you back about your room for Sturgis 2000? Go figure. Tryagain, ask for Joy or her assistant that is handling bike week. If youhave a problem getting to her let me know and I’ll give it a whirl too.Did you have a nice weekend? Did ya ride? Looks like Cooney is stillhaving a problem getting the guys to commit to Del Mar. I told him theynever commit that far out (6 months)! They only plan in advance forSturgis. Well I gotta get back to work! Have a spectacular day!Sgt. Patty

SHIT I’M GLAD SOMEONE ELSE SAID–Change is inevitable, exceptfrom a vending machine.

I took an IQ test and the results werenegative.

It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

I know whatyou’re thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.

THEESCAPE HATCH–All right, so there’s a fist full of unrelenting bullshitfor one week. Now it’s time to get out in the sun, feel the wind whistlingthrough spokes and well, we’ll see what happens next. Agent Zebra’s bikewill be wired and ready for a test ride in the next 10 days. I came downfrom the mountain just in time to meet the UPS truck and get back into thegarage.

Some years ago I started a book on veteran club members withphotography by Mike Lichter. We’ve decided to pull out all the stops andfinish it this year. It will contain 30 profiles with top-notch black andwhite photography.

We are creating anextensive e-mail list and will be sending out notices whenever our esteemedwebmaster, Dr. Dewey, decides that it’s in his best interest to grace uswith posting more material. Don’t forget to go into the registration areaand sign up.

I don’t know, from busted bolts and parts that don’t fit,but trying to build a couple of bikes by Sturgis is keeping my ass out ofthe streets at least on Tuesday and Thursday nights. But tonight is still afull moon, and she’s whispering in my ear that it’s time to tempt the slickdew on the bridge leading to the other side of town. So my weakness calls,I must ride. Oh, Orwell will be published in the next month. Thank themaster of Chrome, the devil of screeching steel, and the mother of velocitystacks.

Let’s ride.–Bandit

BIKERNET NEWSFLASH–STURGIS 2000 CHALLENGE WAY BEHIND SCHEDULE–DEATH THREATS

I wish I knew what I was doing half the time. After Laughlin, Iwished I had my reliable Street Stalker at home, or still had the RoadKing, then I looked at my watch, then at the calendar, then at the girlbeside me in bed, then the phone rang. It was Myron Larrabee, the master ofdisaster in Phoenix, “You got the rooms lined up for Sturgis? It’s justaround the corner.”

I sat bolt upright in bed and barked, “What’s it to you?” That’swhat I’m supposed to say, right? He barked back at me, “Why I oughtta…”and slammed the phone down. The guy owns two gyms, the Billet Bar, and theScottsdale Arizona Easyriders store. He can curl more than I weigh. Itwould only take one angry bastard, one hour to fly to L.A. So I grabbed thegirl at my side, threw on some shorts and hightailed it to the harbor. Ihad almost jogged two blocks before I noticed that my girl had no clotheson. We returned, spent another hour in bed and went back to the docks for aquick get-away. “Two tickets to Catalina,” I told the express boat clerk.

Catalina has a bizarre drink called Buffalo Milk. It’s atreacherous aphrodisiac made with Kahlua, vodka, milk, rum, Baileys, andwho knows what and is blended like a margarita. It makes men tell talltales and girls want to stay in bed. We had a couple and staggered to thebeach where she began whispering in my ear. I remembered my lastconversation with Mark Lonsdale (the author of Body Guard in the booksection) about Sturgis and grabbed a calendar. The Buffalo Milk wasn’tworking its magic on me, but it sure was on my girl. Her deep green eyessparkled in the sun as I counted the days until departure to the Badlands.As I realized I had less than three months to build two bikes, one Daytecrigid, Weerd Brothers creation for myself, and one Paughco/CCI Softail forAgent Zebra, I became increasingly paranoid. I could see the mainland, andkept envisioning a small burst of flames on the horizon as Myron reachedthe San Pedro shed and with his mighty bare hands, causing it to burst intoflames and burn to the ground. “Where’s Patty’s number?” I muttered, whichset the girl at my side into a rapid transformation from a sultry sexuallyhungry wench into a jealous psycho. “Who is Patty?” she snapped like apiranha with the smell of human flesh filtering between its gills.

“She’s the girl who knows all there is to know about Hamsteraccommodations,” I tried to explain. Suddenly I was not only paranoid thatI couldn’t build the bikes in time, but that my house might be in shamblesby the time I swam back to the mainland 25 miles across the treacherous,shark-infested channel, but that this hungry, dark-eyed, silken-haired,narrow-waisted, milky-skinned, sexual maniac at my side would turn on me. Iducked, and we’d better get to the news, before it’s too late:

EASYRIDERS OF DALLAS NEEDS MECHANICS–That’s right. Rick Fairlessof Easyriders of Dallas needs a couple of top-of-the-line mechanics to helphim make his service dept. sing. If you want to work at a shop that buildsbikes, works on performance machines and has a bustling cantina full ofwomen next door, call Rick quick, but keep your hand off my sixth wife.She’s only about 100 pounds with big brown eyes and long, mid-back brownhair and a constant smile. Sure, she’s only 12 years old and the boss’sdaughter, but we’re already discussing arrangements. So stay away fromLena. Rick’s number is (214) 357-0707.

INTERESTING QUOTES–“I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.” –Lily Tomlin

“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’ On what? On fire? –Marsha Warfield

Have you ever noticed…. Anybody goingslower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? –George Carlin

HARLEY-DAVIDSON REMANUFACTURES ITS REMANUFACTURING PROGRAM–Remember last year when the factory instituted their Engine RemanufacturingProgram, where they breathed new life into Evo motors.

“The Remanufacturing program has been a huge success,” saidShulton Thomas, Parts and Accessories Marketing Manager forHarley-Davidson. “And we’re improving the program by increasing ourcapacity, reducing the turnaround times and providing shipment tracking.”

Remanufacturing is a perfect way to revive any Harley-DavidsonEvolution 1340 engine that’s seen its share of miles. It not only enhancesthe look of a used Harley–it restores the feel as well. Customers are ableto get back in touch with their bike’s initial power and performance. Wishthey would do the same for my ’48 Pan.

The process is a breeze. You take your bike to a dealer. He removesthe engine, puts it in a special crate and ships it via Federal-Express toMilwaukee. The factory disassembles your pride, inspects it, then thecrankcase, cylinders, and flywheels are remanufactured or replaced asnecessary. Old paint is also removed and fresh powdercoat is applied in thecustomer’s choice of silver or black. The engine is reassembled and hottested to make sure it meets factory specs, and shipped back to the dealerof your choice (hopefully it’s the same dealer who has your bike).

The cost: $1,995 for silver and $2,295 for black wrinkle. Shipping,removal, and installation are extra. For more info go down to your dealer,goddamnit, or call (800) 443-2153, or visit the H-D Web site atwww.harley-davidson.com.

HARDTAIL MAGAZINE LIVES– Buck Lovell who once was the editor ofHot Bike can’t keep his hands out of the magazine world, so hekicked over Hardtail Magazine. It’s a magazine devoted to rigidframe riders, in fact he’ll probably feature the Daytec rigid I’m buildingto fly to Sturgis on (I gotta git to the garage). Look for his magazine,he’s doing a fine job.

Ah, but wait. Every 3rd Sunday of the month he has a rigid ride-inshow with a bar-b-que, beer, live music, 1-6 p.m. in Corona, California.Take the 91 East exit on Green River, go right to the first light, turnright, 1/2 block turn left into the shopping center.Be there, be there, be there.

DID YOU KNOW? The name Wendy was made up for the book PeterPan.

ROYAL ENFIELD LIVES-SORTA– Last year I drove my truck to ArizonaBike Week with Jim Betlach with my Street Stalker loaded in the back. Iknow, that’s bad news, but one of the plans was to buy a Royal Enfield andhaul it back. I had the casholla burnin’ a hole in the bottom of my pocket.Ya see, I had seen one of these units and it reminded me of the years whenI was in my teens and in love with Triumphs, BSAs, and Royal Enfields.Couldn’t afford one then, and these were the spittin’ image of the oldones, except with turn signals.

Well, they didn’t have my unit and the one they had on display inthe dusty parking lot wasn’t running too well. Or was it the way Jim triedto handle the little 500 single? Well I ran into them again recently inLaughlin and here’s a couple of words from the factory: Not a replica or areproduction, this is the real thing–the original 1955 Royal EnfieldBullet, the oldest continuously produced motorcycle of British design,brand new and imported direct from the factory (in India).

For more information call (800) 201-7472 or check out their Website at www.enfieldmotorcycles.com. It’s kick only.

Over Two-Thirds Of Car-Motorcycle Crashes Are Caused By Drivers–NotMotorcyclists– According to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, morethan two-thirds of car/motorcycle crashes are caused by drivers, notmotorcyclists. These crashes most often occur when a car is making a leftturn in front of a motorcycle operator; if a driver fails to check a blindspot before changing lanes; or in the presence of a road hazard like apothole when a motorcyclist needs to take an evasive action a driver wouldnot.

May has been designated Motorcycle Safety Awareness Month. Listen tostreaming audio containing comments from actor Francesco Quinn, an avidmotorcyclist who commutes to the set of “The Young And The Restless” on hismotorcycle at http://www.medialink.com/medialink/r00-104.shtml

THE FAMILY COUNSELING DEPT.–Then there was a man who said, “I never knew whatreal happiness was until Igot married; and then it was too late.”

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “Youknow, I was a foolwhen I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes,dear, but I was in love anddidn’t notice.”

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wifewanted.” Next day hereceived a hundred letters. They all said the samething: “You can havemine.”

AS FOR THE SALT AS IN BONNEVILLE–There are a couple of thingsfrom a 2-wheelperspective

1. There will be a hell cat fight between the Harley team and theMotoguzzi dudes who cleaned their clocks last year (they even broughttheir own hot air balloon) so expect a flurry of new records swappingback and forth during Speedweek.

2. Bike legend Don Vesco is poised to take the world land speedrecord for wheel driven cars at over 400mph. As you might recall Donnailed the world bike record three times before Dave Campos.

3. Mike Cook has nailed a factory sponsorship from Pontiac–thisafter years of running Ford Thunderbirds.

4. The resalination project has been going great. The salt racers areexpecting a record year for course lengths. Theoperative word is hope, you never can really tell until the waterevaporates.

DEEP THOUGHTS– One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your bestfriends. If they areOK, then it must be you.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I thinkmy wife is beautiful, but I only have photographsof her on thewall.

BIKER TRIAL BEGINS IN FINLAND– A murder trial against threemotorcycle gang members opened Monday amid tight security in a bomb shelterin southern Finland because officials feared reprisal attacks by rivalbikers.

The three men, of the Canonballs gang, were charged with murder forkilling three rival gang members and wounding two others in a Januaryshootout during a break from a court hearing in Lahti, 60 miles north ofHelsinki.

A fourth man was charged with assisting in the pizzeria shootings inwhich two outsiders also were wounded.

All four men, who were not named under Finnish law, denied the chargesMonday.

Detective Chief Superintendent Martti Hirvonen of the Lahti police saidthe courthouse was not safe enough to try the bikers.

“We felt it was safer to hold the hearing in the air raid shelter,”Hirvonen said. “There’s no doubt, there have been threats. After all, weare dealing with bikers.”

He declined to give further details of the hearing or security arrangements.

Police fear the Jan. 18 shootings could re-ignite a feud between rivalbikers in the Nordic countries in which at least 15 people have been killedand 75 injured since 1994.

During the past few years, no attacks were reported until the Lahtiincident in which Bjorn Isaksson, 35, chairman of the Bandidos gang andmember Sakke Pirra, 31, were gunned down. Also, Juha Jalonen, 34, a memberof the Black Rhino biker gang was killed.

“They (bikers) have a sort of revenge mentality in their culture, sothat if someone strikes at them they will, sooner or later, strike back,”Detective Chief Inspector Rabbe von Hertzen of the National Bureau ofInvestigation said.

If the three accused bikers are found guilty, they face up to life inprison.The hearing is expected to last four days.

THINGS YOU WISHED YOU SAID–As long as there are tests, therewill be prayer in public schools.

I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ.

God must have loved stupid people ’cause he made so many of them.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

SEARS POINT POSTPONED, U.S. SUPERBIKE CHAMPIONSHIP ROUND CANCELED DUETO RAIN, TRACK LEAKS–AMA Pro Racing announced today the Sears PointAMA U.S. Superbike Championship National Road Race has been indefinitelypostponed. Two days of constant rain and underwater springs leaking ontoturns one and 11 of the track caused dangerous riding conditions that couldnot be rectified. Merrill Vanderslice, AMA Director of Competition, madethe decision after attempts to dry the track were unsuccessful.

AMA and Sears Point officials will announce any plans to reschedule theevent in the coming weeks.The Harley-Davidson VR 1000 Superbike Racing Team will now focus itsefforts on Road Atlanta, June 2-4, the next stop on the AMA U.S. SuperbikeChampionship tour – and home track for Harley-Davidson rider Scott Russell.

For more information about the 2000 AMA Superbike Racing schedule,visit www.ama-cycle.org.

WHERE’D HE GO?–I’ve been reading Easyriders mag for the last 20 years. I recentlynoticed that your name is no longer shown as exec. vp – editorial directorand I can’t find the Short Strokes column. What’s up with that? Rideforever, F. T. W.

I receive letters like this one weekly. So to set the record straightI’ll tell you a story. I worked for ER off and one for 31 years, since thethird issue in 1971. For all those years I busted my ass writing andreporting on a lifestyle I loved but didn’t get to live much, especiallyover the last 12 years. We worked too hard. Well, now I can live thelifestyle I wrote about all those years, write my books tinker with thissite, build bikes and ride. Plus I’m doing a little freelance for HotRod Bikes, Horse and the Enthusiast to keep beer in the ice box andJack Daniel’s in the cupboard. Simple as that.

OBSCURE FACTS– No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

“Dreamt” is the only word in the English language that ends in “mt.”

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of a $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

IN CLOSING FOR THIS WEEK– Believe it or not, I returned fromCatalina, the shed was still hanging on a San Pedro bluff, the dark-hairedbeauty was still on my arm, and I had more work to do. I buckled down onthe Sturgis 2000 project and Agent Zebra’s Paughco framed Softail was onwheels and waiting for the driveline before midnight. The Miami stationedbastard Zebra will be reporting next week. Wrench put in as many hoursdigging for nuts and bolts as possible before he collapsed. The challengeis written in blood. We’re riding to Sturgis, if we have to strap theSnap-on Bikernet tool box to the rear fender before we go. Who needslights, horns, and turn signals? We’re going for it. Now, I’ve got to getoff this damned computer and back to the garage.

Ride forever.–Bandit

BIKERNET NEWS FLASH–BIKERNET STAFF REVOLTS, HEADS TO LAUGHLIN IN DEAD HEAT

I’m in a daze. As I fix one twisted item on the Touring Chopper, another prospective problem jumps out at me. The ride to Laughlin is hours away. Yesterday I rode out to Rivera in Whittier. Buck Lovell has asked me to come out twice to check over the belt drive and clutch assembly. Mel’s crew tore off my primary, checked the belt alignment, and immediately began to find problems. The belt on the engine pulley will always track to the outside. If the guard doesn’t hold it back, the ring gear on the clutch hub will interfere with the belt. That was happening to mine. The clutch spring should also be slightly convex, mine was not. Then when they pulled off the hub they discovered the wrong bearing, which was vibrating badly. The Rivera crew worked quickly and efficiently to repair the primary drive and I hit the road with a much smoother operating clutch. If you have any problems with your Primo primary drive, don’t hesitate to call Buck. If you can bring it by their shop, they’ll check it out. If not, you can do it at home with their coaching. I need to check the spacing on the Works Performance shocks; I changed the plugs and with any luck I’m golden for the trip. Yeah right!

Giggie at Compu-Fire checked the Pan cylinders and pistons, and we determined that the scuffing on the pistons was extreme and they had to be re-bored. They are currently on their way to Departure Bike Works in Richmond, Virginia, for re-boring. If you’re in the neighborhood, you’re lucky. Lee Clemens and Brenda, his wife, have run this shop for decades. If you need anything, Lee will know the answer. If he doesn’t, he’ll ask Brenda.

In the meantime, the desert awaits the thunder of thousands of bikers heading out. Trouble is, I can’t find anyone who is actually riding out. All the tough motherfuckers I call, already have their bikes tied to trailers.

Let’s get to the news.

NHRA WEEK OF THUNDER PRESENTED BY SCREAMIN’ EAGLE PERFORMANCE– Screamin’ Eagle performance parts by Harley-Davidson and the National Hot Rod Association (NHRA) have formed a partnership designed to promote Screamin’ Eagle high-performance products at select NHRA Winston Drag Racing Series events in 2000.

Each “Week of Thunder presented by Screamin’ Eagle” promotion (Pomona, Calif., Feb. 3-6; Gainesville, Fla., March 16-19; Atlanta, Ga., May 4-7; Columbus, Ohio, June 15-18; Indianapolis, Ind., Aug. 30-Sept. 4) features a Thursday kick-off Fan Fest, featuring a live radio remote, live band, and autograph sessions with many of NHRA’s top drivers. On Friday, several World Wrestling Federation (WWF) stars will host a fan appreciation autograph session. Saturday’s highlight is the presentation of a 2000 Harley-Davidson Screamin’ Eagle Road Glide motorcycle to one lucky winner.

The Harley-Davidson Screamin’ Eagle Road Glide has a limited production of 1,550 units, each with a suggested retail price of $22,495.

For additional information on the Harley-Davidson Screamin’ Eagle Road Glide and Harley-Davidson Genuine Motor Parts and Genuine Motor Accessories, visit the Harley-Davidson Web site at www.harley-davidson.com. To find a dealer near you, call toll free 800-443-2153 in the USA and Canada.

GEMS OF WISDOM Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkey and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

QUEBEC’S BIKER-GANG WARS ERUPT– The fatal shooting this week of an elite member of the Hells Angels appears to have triggered a new wave of violence in Quebec’s biker-gang wars. With a total of three bikers killed in recent days, expert investigators say there’s no way of knowing how far the attacks, and the ensuing retaliation, will extend in the gangs’ six-year battle for control of the drug trade.

The bloodshed started Monday when Norman Hamel was chased through a parking lot in suburban Laval and killed by two gunshots. Hamel, 44, was a member of the Hells Angels’ elite Nomad chapter in Quebec and was said to be close to the gang’s reputed head, Maurice (Mom) Boucher. On Wednesday, another biker believed to be associated with the Hells Angels was found dead near a ski center in Piedmont, north of the city. Provincial police said Francis Carriere, 31, appeared to have been shot.

The latest incident was the death Thursday of a 32-year-old man reported to have connections with a biker gang at odds with the Hells Angels. Police found the body of Salvatore Gervasi in the trunk of his Porsche on a residential street in St. Leonard, just east of Montreal, after he had been reported missing by his father. The all news channel of the TVA television network reported that Gervasi had once been associated with the Rock Machine, a rival gang to the Hells Angels, and had been approached about switching sides. Experts on biker gangs say retaliation should come as no surprise in the wake of such killings, especially when an elite member such as Hamel is targeted.

“This might accelerate things again and there will be another wave of settling scores,” said RCMP Staff Sgt. Jean-Pierre Levesque, an expert on biker gangs with Criminal Intelligence Service Canada in Ottawa.

More than 135 people have been killed in Quebec’s biker-gang wars since the rivalry between the Hells Angels and Rock Machine first heated up in 1994. One victim was an 11-year-old bystander killed by flying metal following a car explosion in 1995.

Adding to speculation that further violence is likely this year is news that as many as 70 members of the Rock Machine and its affiliates are expected to be released from jail in the coming months after serving various sentences, said Levesque.

“There will obviously be many more soldiers.”

“I’m not saying they will all be ready to fight again, but while they were inside I’m sure not too many of them became born again.”

BLONDE BOMBSHELL– A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!” she cries. The 911 dispatcher says, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes.” Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher’s telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again. “Never mind,” giggles the blonde, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

STURGIS 2000 REPORT Garbage, I can hardly wait to fly past your sputtering bitch bike in the Black Hills this summer. If your new scoot runs anything like that wire-smoking, ignition-farting, shock-rips-out-of-the-fender Red Ball Crapper you walk alongside all the time, it’s not going to be much of a contest.

There’s a rumor in the Bikernet garage that you’re going to salvage some parts from that Red Ball Crapper. The S&S engine, sure, the leather on the seat, maybe, but for Pete’s sake, bury the rest of that no-fly-zone hunk of ill-built crap. It’s not a motorcycle, it’s a fuckin’ living room scoot. It’s a yuppie pipe dream made to be bumped across town to the bar with your mechanic riding sidesaddle and a truck full of tools and a lift. Screw that no-running motherfucker.

Should you be dumb enough not to take this wise advice, I suggest you weld a hitch onto those new (and very classy) Weerd Brothers forks and toss about 30 feet of tow rope into your pink back pack, so I can at least drag your ass to Sturgis and watch as every single ballot cast goes into the chromed skull sitting in front of the Bull, because that S&S can’t do its thing wrapped up in that mess of half-assed tinfoil. Tell me you aren’t using anything off of that geometry-mocking Goof Ball scoot that I’ve spent the last year pushing from here to hell and back in SoCal. Soak the fucker in gasoline and cook up some burgers on it and invite the bros for some free grub and beer. Then push whatever doesn’t burn (I’m sure everything that hasn’t already burned has fallen off by now) into the drink and let the Coast Guard put a downed ship marker over the site.

I bet if you asked the boys at Cannetti’s they could find a ship captain who needs an anchor. Weld that fucker to a 30-ton chain and put it to some good use. God knows it’s always been capable of keeping us from going anywhere. I guess I shouldn’t complain, though, it’s helped me put my squat back over 450 to jog all over the mountains of SoCal trying to get the dirty sonuvabitch running every time you shut it down. I believe I’ll use parts built by folks who know how to use a computer, so I can focus on covering highways and writing stories about how many pairs of shoes you go through a week. I’m going to strap that brand-new, ass-puckering 88 RevTech that the generous horsepower Gods at RevTech built into a Paughco frame, hook it to that pussy-smooth Baker 6-speed, and that way we’ll have enough horsepower to get me and your piece of junk over the Rockies. You’ll even be able to bring along one of your old-fashioned wheel guns you’re so fond of to plink at beer cans while I pull you to Sturgis. That is, if you’re not too busy screaming and crying and begging me to slow down when I cut that RevTech loose and wind her up to about 130 miles an hour.

May the best outlaw win. Yours in singing air impact wrenches, Zebra

UNDERSTANDING YOUR PAYCHECK– Gross pay: $1,222.02

Income Tax -244.40

Outgo Tax -45.21

State Tax -5.89

Interstate -61.10

County Tax -6.11

City Tax -12.22

Rural Tax -4.44

Back Tax -1.11

Front Tax -1.16

Side Tax -1.61

Up Tax -2.22

Down Tax -1.11

Tic-Tacs -1.98

Thumbtacks -3.93

Carpet Tacks -0.98

Stadium Tax -0.69

Flat Tax -8.32

Surtax-3.46

Ma’am Tax -5.00

Parking Fee -2.60

No Pkg Fee -5.85

F.I.C.A. -10.00

T.G.I.F. -81.88

Life Ins. -9.95

Health Ins. -3.41

Disability -16.23

Ability -2.50

Liability Ins. -0.25

Dental Ins. – 4.50

Mental Ins. -4.33

Reassurance -0.11

Coffee -6.85

Coffee Cups Calendar -66.51

Floor Rental -3.06

Chair Rental -16.85

Desk Rental -4.32

Union Dues -5.85

Union Don’ts -3.77

Cash Advances -0.69

Cash Retreats -121.35

Overtime -1.26

Undertime -54.83

Eastern Time -9.00

Central Time -8.00

Mntn Time – -7.00

Pacific Time -6.00

GMT -24.00

Bath Time -4.44

Time Out -12.21

Oxygen -10.02

Water -16.54

Electricity -38.23

Heat -51.42

Air -46.83

Misc -144.38

Take Home Pay: $0000.02

(This is where the expression “just my 2 cents worth” came from…)

TITAN SPUTTERING, FUTURE IN DOUBT– (Tracy Hayes/The Arizona Republic) A new machine gets a test ride after rolling off the assembly line at Titan Motorcycle. The company reported an $8.1 million loss for 1999. Its CEO and his wife also recently sold 340,000 shares of stock.

By Max Jarman The Arizona Republic April 20, 2000

Mounting cash flow problems, exacerbated by a just-reported $8.1 million loss for 1999, has prompted auditors of Titan Motorcycle Co. of America to raise questions about the 6-year-old company’s ability to survive.

Also troubling is the recent sale of 340,000 shares of the Phoenix company’s stock by Chief Executive Officer Frank Keery and his wife, Barbara, a director. The Keerys each sold 170,000 shares on March 31 at $2.31 per share. After the 1999 loss was reported April 17, the stock was trading at $1.25. The Keerys each now hold 6,592,878 shares.

“I’d be concerned,” said Craig Columbus, president of Insiderscores.com, a Scottsdale company that tracks insider trading.

Frank Keery said some of the proceeds from the sale were used to secure additional financing for the company.

Titan said it is working on possible solutions that include negotiating a larger line of credit, a private equity placement of $3 million to $5 million, and increased operating efficiencies. In January, the company laid off 40 employees, or about 17 percent of its work force.

But the introduction of a lower-priced line, produced on an assembly line, left the company vulnerable to production problems. Based on a strong initial demand for its cheaper, $25,000 motorcycles, Titan projected it would sell as many as 1,500 units in 1999. That would have generated revenue in the $40 million range.

But production delays, related in part to the company’s liquidity problems, resulted in the sale of only 1,001 units, nine fewer than the year before.

The delays, combined with the expense of gearing up for higher production, eroded the company’s gross profit margin from 15 percent in 1998 to a negative 1 percent in 1999. Adding to a $338,931 production loss were operating expenses that soared to $6.88 million from $3.48 million the year before.

The company attributed the higher costs to an increase in wages and salaries, and higher advertising and promotional expenses.

CEO Keery characterized 1999 as a year of substantial investment aimed at positioning Titan for growth and profitability.

“While we are clearly disappointed with our 1999 results, we are confident that the company is currently back on track after an extraordinarily difficult year,” he said.

Bob Lobban, Titan’s chief financial officer, said the company is making progress in its negotiations with new lenders and is optimistic its production problems have been solved. Pending the resolution of the cash flow issue, Lobban estimated the company should show an operating profit in the second quarter of this year.

BIKERNET CORRECTION– Certain species of apes have sex for pleasure as well as dolphins and humans. Like the funkin’ site; it’s comfortable, kinda like the hole-in-the-wall bar down the street and across the country. Reading your stuff I find an anal retentive Hunter S. Thompson and a grammatical Jack Kerouac…take two Quaaludes and get back to the funkin’ typewriter. So long and thanks for all the fish.

THINGS I WISH I HAD SAID– The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Earth first…we’ll mine the other planets later.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

QUOTES TO REMEMBER– In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? –Warren Hutcherson

Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That’s why you should never date a baseball player. –Marsha Warfield

I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners. –Jeff Stilson

DALLAS EASYRIDERS NEEDS MECHANICS–The hottest shop in the Dallas Fort Worth region is in need of a couple of top-notch Harley mechanics. If you like a shop with a life, lots of action, and custom motorcycles, call Rick Fairless, better yet call his wife Tina. No wait, now that I think about it call the future owner Lena. She’s the cutest of them all. (214) 357-0707.

AH, WEDDING BLISS– At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Young Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?” Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Jay Leno Will Rock Love Ride 17–Jay has admitted to taking on the reigns of Love Ride 17 as the Grand Marshall. The Love Ride is the annual November motorcycle rally in Los Angeles. It was founded by Oliver, the owner of Glendale Harley-Davidson. It’s a charity ride benefiting the L.A. Times’ literacy program, the MDA, and Bikernet’s Group Homes for Boys. This year it’s expected to draw 20,000 riders and raise over a million in donations. Thanks, Oliver and Jay.

THANKS FOR CLEARING THIS SHIT UP– If it’s not a Harley, it sucks. If you ask why, you’re a fag. Love it or leave it. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Fuck you.

Helmets are for fags.

If you had a brain, you’d protect it. Since you don’t, I’ll pass a law, you dick.

Rare bikes should be bought for collectors’ value and never ridden so that they’ll be around for years to come.

Every bike should be ridden. If it isn’t, you shouldn’t own it, you poser yuppie-born insecure motherfucker.

People who ride rare bikes have no respect for the importance of the history they are destroying, you lowlife redneck

JOIN A MOTORCYCLE RIGHTS ORGANIZATION– I don’t care which one, and I don’t care if you go to meetings or not, just join, pay your dues, and be proud that you did.

TITAN LAUNCHES ON-LINE STORE– Titan announced the launch of their e-commerce site where Titan enthusiasts may purchase clothing and accessories. In the coming months, Titan intends to expand the store’s offerings beyond existing products to include exclusive motorcycle accessories, specialty hardware, and components.

DID YOU KNOW–A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. Oh, to be a pig. And don’t tell me those lions who mate 50 times a day aren’t enjoying it.

EXCELSIOR-HENDERSON NEW BOARD– First, Excelsior-Henderson will be in Laughlin this weekend. They will have their new models available for demo rides and new accessories for enthusiasts to check out. Get this from the American Motorcycle Network: “A Florida investor group, E-H. Partners, comprises the attempted reorganization and acquisition of E-H, according to a report by the Star Tribune. The reog. plan proposes a new board that will include the president of an accounting firm and two attorneys, all of Florida. Dave and Dan Hanlon will complete the board.” For a minute there, I was getting the impression that “all of Florida will be on the board.” That’s a lot of blue-haired old ladies.

IN CLOSING THE GARAGE DOOR– I’m headed to the garage for some final tweaking of the touring chopper for the midnight Laughlin River Run. I just finished another saga for Horse Magazine. It’s a grizzly tale of woe for two riders who live in San Pedro, California. Nothing they do seems to go right, but they have a helluva good time being constant fuck-ups.

Listen, there’s a lot of talk around about stock prices and shit from various companies. We got drunk last night and made a board resolution not to announce stock-related news. Hell, who cares, we don’t have enough money to buy stock, anyway. This lifestyle is all about building and riding motorcycles, the rest is for the businessmen to fret over. Let me know your vote–pro-business news, or against it.

Next week we’ll take photos of the Sturgis 2000 projects and begin to keep you up to date on the progress. Sure, I drink Jack Daniel’s and chase women, but we’ll get those bikes on the road before you know it. Also, I’ll let you know what’s happening with the book outlines that have flown to New York for evaluation. I’m itchin’ to start another book.

We’re planning to write a couple of books on the site in the near future, and publish Prize Possession, which is out of print. Watch for ’em. Now, I’ve got to get out to the garage, load that bastard to the gills, pray it hangs together, and get out of town before she realizes I’m gone. See ya at the Rainbow Bar.

–Bandit

BIKERNET NEWS FLASH–BIKERNET HEADQUARTERS RAIDED BY HOLLYWOOD EXECUTIVES AND SAN PEDRO POLICE

Hey, I’m just a guy doing a job in a San Pedro ghetto. It’s a lonely vocation most of the time, hammering away at the keyboard 14 hours a day, and usually not accomplishing much. Sure I knock off to stumble into the garage for a long talk with the Touring Chopper. I pull up a milk crate and ask that low slung sonuvabitch, “What the fuck is wrong with you this week?”

Last week was somewhat the same, trying to off a sled to get Orwell published. I truly wanted to have copies in Laughlin–sorry. I plugged away at breathing life back into the Panhead. I’ve written three book outlines that I’m submitting to a faceless name in New York City. Then it was workin’ with Nuutboy on my next segment to HORSE magazine. Plus, there was that Ed Roth, the king of car customizers, interview for Hot Rod Bikes, and plans for Laughlin and the Sturgis 2000 run. It’s nonstop, until the weekend.

I wish I could remember Friday night, but it all became a blur as Saturday rolled around. I need to take better notes. But finding a pen and paper in a strange bed, at four in the morning, can be awkward. I’ll try to do better, though. Then Saturday hit like hurricane season. The flamed T-bird was out of fuel, and I had an Agent Zebra airport run scheduled in the early afternoon. After a bout with the weight room, I showered and buzzed onto the freeway. That Bird is similar to driving an electric go-cart, but the mat black paint and classic flames help–sorta. I swung off the freeway at Century Blvd. and drove through another L.A. ghetto to the airport. Why are airports always built in the center of ghettos? Zebra returned unscathed from another of his communist party meetings in Korea. Sure, he tells me he’s storming through an ad campaign with the largest manufacturer of automobile tires mounted to the Pacific Rim, but I’m not buying his line for a second. Hell, he doesn’t know a word of Korean. As I picked up the year 2000 conspiracy freak and his four gallons of water, I noticed the temp gauge in that fucking cage peaking. Fuck!

We had a meeting planned to promote his 1%er screenplay with some young riderless executives from Miramax Pictures. Zebra’s manager and his lovely arm-in-arm, Bella, would attend along with a couple of Hamsters, and Chris Chrome, the builder of the infamous Hill Bar. We returned to the shed, shoveled out last night’s party, and began to refuel. Zebra called Buono’s Pizza and ordered six gigantic pizzas with everything on ’em but jalape?os, and one with the peppers for me. We ordered enough beer to sink a small destroyer, and pulled out all the bikes.

Before the evening was over we broke a throttle cable, blew the ignition system on the touring chopper, burnt the rookie-rider’s boot beyond recognition on a set of 2-inch drags, and tested the Excelsior-Henderson’s ability to fly off a bridge. After entertaining, we went back to the bar for a night cap, only to start a brawl that lasted into the early morn. Hey, I’m innocent.

The next day it was odd. As I woke up, I couldn’t reach the phone, then discovering I was lying in an alley in a pool of 60-weight oil, it dawned on me that the Korean Communist Agent had to make a flight to Miami. Then the dower realization that the Bird was melting the engine block from overheating consumed my battered limbs. A thermostat was needed in the worst way. Auto parts stores are bizarre. Some 17,000 square feet of batteries, fan belts, and air freshners, and one Hispanic clerk who speaks broken English. I got the impression as she adeptly took me through an extensive computer software auto-parts program to ensure I had picked the absolutely dead-nuts-on thermostat, that it didn’t matter what car I had, how many cylinders, or what year–she was going to reach in the same drawer and pull out whatever thermostat was in there and throw it at me. She did, we blindly paid for the product and a new gasket, and drove back to the shed. We had less than an hour to take the old one off, replace it, and hit the road.

Without a variety of tools, we couldn’t reach the blistering bolts for this piece of shit with a torch and a hand grenade. With two minutes to spare the Agent lifted off to the other coast. I took the reliable 2000 Road King out for a final putt with a local bombshell in tow and enjoyed an afternoon putt to Walker’s Cafe to listen to the band, then it was off to a seafood joint on the Long Beach Harbor, then a club for a Cadillac Margarita, then… Well, the mayhem just started all over again. Goddamnit, let’s get to the news.

VICTORY PACE MOTORCYCLE FOR 2000– The Victory V92SC will be the first bike to cross the finish line at all 12 AMA U.S. Superbike Championship races this season as the official sighting bike for the 2000 Superbike Series. The Victory sighting bike made its debut during Daytona Bike Week at Daytona International Speedway.

AUTHOR COMES FORWARD TO PROMOTE FICTION– If you are interested (and have the literary guts and the beatific balls) to read (tracing the acidic purple-prose with your bony, arthritic finger; staring in disbelief through your red-rimmed, rheumy eyes; mouthing the iconoclastic words with your tremorous, thick lips) my latest mad-capped, illiterate and illiterated, mumbling musings, (in your heart-of-hearts, you really want it) try: go to the Fiction Section, then select “Gut Wrenching Gold” by Nuut Boy.

J&P CYCLES LAUNCHES NEW SITE– I just wanted to let you know that the site www.jpcycles.com has been completely redesigned. Thanks, Andrew Miller, J&P Cycles Internet Assistant, Amiller@j-pcycles.com, (319)462-4817 ext.8114

GINKO VIAGRA–There is a new drug called “Gingko Viagra.” Its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.

HARLEY-DAVIDSON KICKS OFF BASIC RIDER TRAINING COURSE– Fascinated by the excitement and allure of motorcycling, but not sure where to begin? Introducing “Rider’s Edge – The Harley-Davidson Academy of Motorcycling,” where learning to ride is a fun, challenging, and rewarding experience. Designed specifically to meet the needs of novice riders, the Rider’s Edge New Rider Course is rolling out at local Harley-Davidson/Buell dealerships around the country. Harley-Davidson has been working with the National Association of State Motorcycle Safety Administrators (SMSA) and with individual administrators to ensure the Rider’s Edge New Rider Course will complement existing state motorcycle safety programs.

Select Harley-Davidson/Buell dealers in Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, New York, Wisconsin, and several other states are preparing to begin offering the Rider’s Edge New Rider Course over the coming months. Courses have already begun in Las Vegas and Albuquerque. By the end of the year, up to 40 Harley-Davidson/Buell dealerships could be set up to offer the Rider’s Edge New Rider Course, with more locations to follow in 2001 and beyond.

The New Rider Course uses the proven curriculum of the Motorcycle Safety Foundation’s (MSF) Motorcycle Rider Course*, and all Rider’s Edge New Rider Course instructors are MSF certified. However, each New Rider Course is conducted with the involvement of the entire staff from the participating Harley-Davidson/Buell dealership.

Lasting a total of approximately 25 hours, the course includes interactive classroom exercises, plenty of riding practice, time to become familiar with different types of motorcycles, accessories and riding gear, and a behind-the-scenes look at dealership operations. Students who complete the course will be issued MSF completion cards, and in some states may be waived from taking the skills or knowledge portion of the state motorcycle licensing test. The training motorcycle used in the Rider’s Edge New Rider Course is the new Buell Blast — an all-new single-cylinder motorcycle designed for casual fun, excitement and adventure. The Blast model’s course-friendly features include a low center of gravity, flexible turn signals, hidden muffler, and two seat heights that can be adjusted on the spot.

For more information on Rider’s Edge courses throughout the country, please call: (800)588-2743 or log onto our Web site at www.ridersedge.com.

LET’S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT, SHIT–The brand X riders just don’t get it. They blow huge amounts of money on the latest, new advanced technological innovation just to be the first guy on the block to have one. Well, I’m fuckin’ impressed, let me tell you. How fuckin’ shallow. The really great thing about Harley is that you can be the first guy on the block to blow huge amounts of money on something without risking that it might be advanced or innovative. That’s fuckin’ tradition, you imitation Ricky Racer fudge packer!

Bikers aren’t the lowlifes that they used to be; now “real” people ride Harleys, you lice-infested worthless loser.

Riding a Harley used to mean something, now any butt-reaming wannabe can get one. I don’t care if people think I’m an indigent scumbag but I don’t want them to think I may be a lawyer or a stockbroker. That would be yucky.

My dad can beat up your dad.

TIME MAGAZINE REPORT– From the April 17th edition comes this bit of trivia: We’re pressed for time and money, but Americans still have their secret passions. What would you like to do?

Travel to exotic regions of the world 52%

Own a business 25%

Learn a new language 23%

Go back to school 21%

Learn to play a musical instrument 18%

Buy a motorcycle or sports car 15%.

DID YOU KNOW?–Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

OUR FIRST COMPLIMENT– Hey, great site guys. But when are ya gonna get around to givin’ us the rest of the scoop on those Daytec frames? I’d really like some more info on their rubbermount units. Raisin pie to all. Mike

Hold on, it’s comin’.

EXCELSIOR-HENDERSON ARRIVES IN LAUGHLIN–The Road Crew and Demo team will be set up at the Crystal Palace located on Casino Drive across from the Flamingo Hilton.

Planned events for the rally include public demo rides on the 2000 model Super X and Deadwood. Demos will start on Thursday, April 27, 2000 and run through Saturday the 29th. A brand-new accessory front fender for the production Super X will also be available for riders.

Co-founders Jennie and Dave Hanlon will be available for riders to hang with. In addition, their newest model will be at the demo site for your viewing. This model has a completely new and different front end. Stop in and check ’em out.

OFFBEAT QUOTES– Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography. –Paul Rodriguez

Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic? –Lily Tomlin

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end. –Jerry Seinfeld

STURGIS 2000 COMPETITION– Is alive and puking in the alley behind the world headquarters of Bikernet. The two choppers representing Bikernet East and Bikernet West will come to life under the esteemed tutelage of Wrench and his band of sick fuckers in the Bikernet garage. In other words, we’re building these bikes ourselves in the true tradition of the American Chopper builder who never trusted a shop in his life.

So now the fight begins. Who actually will get the garage, ’cause the other low-life flat-black sonuvabitch will be built on a milk crate in the kitchen of the San Pedro shed. Zebra and his chest pounding wrench turning team has a Paughco Softail frame to begin with, an 88-inch RevTech engine, a Baker 6-speed transmission, Harley-Davidson custom wheels, the Bandit II tank stretched by Russ Tom at Downtown Harley-Davidson in Seattle, and a Harley narrow glide front end. Bandit, well he’s way behind with a 98-inch S&S motor, a Daytec chopper frame, Weerd Brothers loooong front end, Road Wings wheels, Avon Tires, Performance Machine brakes and controls, and a Terry down draft Weber carb to pull it along.

Watch for photographic coverage of the disaster to come, in the Bikernet garage. Comin’ soon

AT LAST THE TRUE STORY OF SONNY BARGER–Sonny’s autobiography will be rolling off the presses at Harper Collins within the next week for shipping to book stores nationwide, official on sale date May 17. Check the Web site page called Tours & Events at for complete info on NYC kickoff, Route 66 tour, Hollister, and Sturgis appearances, and our trip to England for Bulldog Biker Bash.

ZEBRA REPORT Attempting log on to Bikernet.com world headquarters…Zebra calling from South Korea. It’s 1600 hours and I am awaiting takeoff. Very sick, some form of beef poisoning. Confirming rendezvous in Bradley International Terminal, LAX, at exterior arrivals zone. Cell phone will be operational upon landing. You are to be sober and on time, you accursed swine. We have a big meeting with the film pimps of Miramax, Fine Line, and Green Moon and it’s high time to sell this script and get on about the business of making a decent biker movie. Contact Marko if you have not already and make him aware of his required presence. Thomas is bringing down the troops from the north. I will be staying at your house Saturday night with a planned departure to Miami Sunday.

Say again, will be staying at Fort Horsepower Saturday. You are hereby commanded to have a cleaned and oiled .45, preferably an H&K or Glock, loaded with Federal hydroshocks, +P+ rated rounds, two spare mags, also loaded, with you upon arrival at LAX to turn over to myself. I am coming in unarmed, due to the rather conservative commie South Korean government. In fact, I would guess they are monitoring this transmission, as I took the liberty of soft-wiring myself into a local phone jack at Kimpo International, Seoul. Crafty firewalls these little devils had, but not quite crafty enough. I only hope this isn’t a digital line, as it will fry the modem in this monster’s new G4 laptop.

Also, you are to have one scoot, gassed, greased, and fully operational ready for me to ride, at Fort Horsepower. And get the fuckin’ grizzly bears out of the guest bedroom. If you forget to do so, I don’t want to hear any tree-hugger Greenpeace bullshit when I blow the crap out of the vicious bastards, like last time. Further, you are to have one bottle, seal unbroken, of Jack Daniel’s awaiting me, on ice, at Fort Horsepower. A hooker wouldn’t be bad either, as the women here are exceptionally prude and very fearful of “the big Viking.” Of course, knowing your crude luck with women, you’d actually have to pay a hooker to get her to perform. I will have with me roughly 20,000 Korean won, that is all I can spend. See what you can do. And no “nieces.” I’m not going to the can for prodding some 17-year-old chippie you spirited away from the local arcade with tales of meeting a famous international writer.

I will, in turn, provide you with a full briefing of the state of affairs of Bikernet.com Far East, upon my arrival. Much has happened since I first started our Far East office. They are eating lambs wool and dried weeds and serve frozen ice as dessert to lucky visitors, but things are sure to turn soon and the local staff is in good spirits. They have acquired two Dae Lim motorcycles. Dae Lim also makes urinals, which gives you an idea of just how much emphasis is currently placed on motorcycles in this backwards culture. That will all change soon, of course, with the introduction of Bikernet.com Far East when it goes on-line. These temporary food shortages should not and will not be allowed to alter our course of solidifying a Far East office. Speaking of food, this rotted beef delicacy seems to have gotten the best of me. Am breaking into cold sweats and enjoying massive stomach cramps. Be sure to have loads of medicinal Jack Daniel’s available to kill these dastardly bugs in my gut. It would seem some form of airport security has become aware of my presence on the airport phone system, as a great uproar has just occurred and seems to be spreading in my general direction, with a goodly amount of scrutiny taking place at each and every computer terminal. I think now would be a good time to log off and go deep undercover. I will see you in 13 hours, 45 minutes, Asiania airlines. You are to circle madly in the fiery bird until I land on the hood. Zebra, out. Special Agent Zebra, Bikernet.com Far East Seoul, South Korea

CAJUN CAT FISHING AND SUCH– Oh what a spring! Been awhile, Bandit, thought I would drop a line your way. Been enjoying your column since you are “retired.” Seems more full of life these days. It has an edge it did not have before. Probably due to the possibilities of daily chaos you have now exposed yourself to.

Glad to see someone is remembering Rip in their writings. I met him in Lafayette, LA, a couple years ago when he was chumming with his pard Bob Prejean.

It has been a wild ride these past few months. I got a call back in Dec. from an ex-lady friend. Seems she was wondering what I was up to. I promptly flew her down to New Orleans for a weekend of sex and voodoo. We caught up on old times beautifully and before you knew it, I was shopping for diamonds. I passed on Daytona (never again!) in exchange for her flying with my kids down to Key West at Easter for a week of thongs and fishing. Of course after all tickets and reservations are made she decides she is out of here!

SO!!! Do I give up! Throw the bait out of the boat. My son says, “Let’s do it!” Anyway, $1,500 later, after I buy two more last-minute tickets to go get my kids and rent a car for a week (wonder why they call it HERTZ? because the price HURTS!) the kids and I are still headed to the land of fried grouper and black beans! I will be looking for a boatload of Cuban women refugees to sponsor!

In a flash the news of what’s her names departure screams across mail lines and Monique that sexy intelligent coon ass in Denver exile is headed this way for what she terms “a bayou trash weekend.” I guess that means more sex and voodoo along with some boiled crawdads and 80mph rides along the levee on the Dyna looking for a roadhouse playing some Zydeco music at midnight.

Ride Safe, the Cajun Connection

Wedding Bliss– How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

IN CLOSING– I’ve learned something about friendship this week. I’ve learned something about love. It’s not like me to cloud up and create a mist here, but I’ve dedicated my next book to my 5th wife Rebecca, because she’s a tower of unwavering class, and although I put her undeserving soul through hell, she never lowered herself. We finalized our matters the other night, and I will take my hat off to her forever for her style and grace.

Now, take your hands and place them firmly on the arms of your chair and rocket your ass to your feet (if you can’t, get back to the gym). Grab your wallet, knife, pistol, jacket, vest, boots, and gloves and head to the garage. It’s time to ride.

–Bandit