I’m in a daze. As I fix one twisted item on the Touring Chopper, another prospective problem jumps out at me. The ride to Laughlin is hours away. Yesterday I rode out to Rivera in Whittier. Buck Lovell has asked me to come out twice to check over the belt drive and clutch assembly. Mel’s crew tore off my primary, checked the belt alignment, and immediately began to find problems. The belt on the engine pulley will always track to the outside. If the guard doesn’t hold it back, the ring gear on the clutch hub will interfere with the belt. That was happening to mine. The clutch spring should also be slightly convex, mine was not. Then when they pulled off the hub they discovered the wrong bearing, which was vibrating badly. The Rivera crew worked quickly and efficiently to repair the primary drive and I hit the road with a much smoother operating clutch. If you have any problems with your Primo primary drive, don’t hesitate to call Buck. If you can bring it by their shop, they’ll check it out. If not, you can do it at home with their coaching. I need to check the spacing on the Works Performance shocks; I changed the plugs and with any luck I’m golden for the trip. Yeah right!

Giggie at Compu-Fire checked the Pan cylinders and pistons, and we determined that the scuffing on the pistons was extreme and they had to be re-bored. They are currently on their way to Departure Bike Works in Richmond, Virginia, for re-boring. If you’re in the neighborhood, you’re lucky. Lee Clemens and Brenda, his wife, have run this shop for decades. If you need anything, Lee will know the answer. If he doesn’t, he’ll ask Brenda.

In the meantime, the desert awaits the thunder of thousands of bikers heading out. Trouble is, I can’t find anyone who is actually riding out. All the tough motherfuckers I call, already have their bikes tied to trailers.

Let’s get to the news.

NHRA WEEK OF THUNDER PRESENTED BY SCREAMIN’ EAGLE PERFORMANCE– Screamin’ Eagle performance parts by Harley-Davidson and the National Hot Rod Association (NHRA) have formed a partnership designed to promote Screamin’ Eagle high-performance products at select NHRA Winston Drag Racing Series events in 2000.

Each “Week of Thunder presented by Screamin’ Eagle” promotion (Pomona, Calif., Feb. 3-6; Gainesville, Fla., March 16-19; Atlanta, Ga., May 4-7; Columbus, Ohio, June 15-18; Indianapolis, Ind., Aug. 30-Sept. 4) features a Thursday kick-off Fan Fest, featuring a live radio remote, live band, and autograph sessions with many of NHRA’s top drivers. On Friday, several World Wrestling Federation (WWF) stars will host a fan appreciation autograph session. Saturday’s highlight is the presentation of a 2000 Harley-Davidson Screamin’ Eagle Road Glide motorcycle to one lucky winner.

The Harley-Davidson Screamin’ Eagle Road Glide has a limited production of 1,550 units, each with a suggested retail price of $22,495.

For additional information on the Harley-Davidson Screamin’ Eagle Road Glide and Harley-Davidson Genuine Motor Parts and Genuine Motor Accessories, visit the Harley-Davidson Web site at www.harley-davidson.com. To find a dealer near you, call toll free 800-443-2153 in the USA and Canada.

GEMS OF WISDOM Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkey and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

QUEBEC’S BIKER-GANG WARS ERUPT– The fatal shooting this week of an elite member of the Hells Angels appears to have triggered a new wave of violence in Quebec’s biker-gang wars. With a total of three bikers killed in recent days, expert investigators say there’s no way of knowing how far the attacks, and the ensuing retaliation, will extend in the gangs’ six-year battle for control of the drug trade.

The bloodshed started Monday when Norman Hamel was chased through a parking lot in suburban Laval and killed by two gunshots. Hamel, 44, was a member of the Hells Angels’ elite Nomad chapter in Quebec and was said to be close to the gang’s reputed head, Maurice (Mom) Boucher. On Wednesday, another biker believed to be associated with the Hells Angels was found dead near a ski center in Piedmont, north of the city. Provincial police said Francis Carriere, 31, appeared to have been shot.

The latest incident was the death Thursday of a 32-year-old man reported to have connections with a biker gang at odds with the Hells Angels. Police found the body of Salvatore Gervasi in the trunk of his Porsche on a residential street in St. Leonard, just east of Montreal, after he had been reported missing by his father. The all news channel of the TVA television network reported that Gervasi had once been associated with the Rock Machine, a rival gang to the Hells Angels, and had been approached about switching sides. Experts on biker gangs say retaliation should come as no surprise in the wake of such killings, especially when an elite member such as Hamel is targeted.

“This might accelerate things again and there will be another wave of settling scores,” said RCMP Staff Sgt. Jean-Pierre Levesque, an expert on biker gangs with Criminal Intelligence Service Canada in Ottawa.

More than 135 people have been killed in Quebec’s biker-gang wars since the rivalry between the Hells Angels and Rock Machine first heated up in 1994. One victim was an 11-year-old bystander killed by flying metal following a car explosion in 1995.

Adding to speculation that further violence is likely this year is news that as many as 70 members of the Rock Machine and its affiliates are expected to be released from jail in the coming months after serving various sentences, said Levesque.

“There will obviously be many more soldiers.”

“I’m not saying they will all be ready to fight again, but while they were inside I’m sure not too many of them became born again.”

BLONDE BOMBSHELL– A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!” she cries. The 911 dispatcher says, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes.” Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher’s telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again. “Never mind,” giggles the blonde, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”

STURGIS 2000 REPORT Garbage, I can hardly wait to fly past your sputtering bitch bike in the Black Hills this summer. If your new scoot runs anything like that wire-smoking, ignition-farting, shock-rips-out-of-the-fender Red Ball Crapper you walk alongside all the time, it’s not going to be much of a contest.

There’s a rumor in the Bikernet garage that you’re going to salvage some parts from that Red Ball Crapper. The S&S engine, sure, the leather on the seat, maybe, but for Pete’s sake, bury the rest of that no-fly-zone hunk of ill-built crap. It’s not a motorcycle, it’s a fuckin’ living room scoot. It’s a yuppie pipe dream made to be bumped across town to the bar with your mechanic riding sidesaddle and a truck full of tools and a lift. Screw that no-running motherfucker.

Should you be dumb enough not to take this wise advice, I suggest you weld a hitch onto those new (and very classy) Weerd Brothers forks and toss about 30 feet of tow rope into your pink back pack, so I can at least drag your ass to Sturgis and watch as every single ballot cast goes into the chromed skull sitting in front of the Bull, because that S&S can’t do its thing wrapped up in that mess of half-assed tinfoil. Tell me you aren’t using anything off of that geometry-mocking Goof Ball scoot that I’ve spent the last year pushing from here to hell and back in SoCal. Soak the fucker in gasoline and cook up some burgers on it and invite the bros for some free grub and beer. Then push whatever doesn’t burn (I’m sure everything that hasn’t already burned has fallen off by now) into the drink and let the Coast Guard put a downed ship marker over the site.

I bet if you asked the boys at Cannetti’s they could find a ship captain who needs an anchor. Weld that fucker to a 30-ton chain and put it to some good use. God knows it’s always been capable of keeping us from going anywhere. I guess I shouldn’t complain, though, it’s helped me put my squat back over 450 to jog all over the mountains of SoCal trying to get the dirty sonuvabitch running every time you shut it down. I believe I’ll use parts built by folks who know how to use a computer, so I can focus on covering highways and writing stories about how many pairs of shoes you go through a week. I’m going to strap that brand-new, ass-puckering 88 RevTech that the generous horsepower Gods at RevTech built into a Paughco frame, hook it to that pussy-smooth Baker 6-speed, and that way we’ll have enough horsepower to get me and your piece of junk over the Rockies. You’ll even be able to bring along one of your old-fashioned wheel guns you’re so fond of to plink at beer cans while I pull you to Sturgis. That is, if you’re not too busy screaming and crying and begging me to slow down when I cut that RevTech loose and wind her up to about 130 miles an hour.

May the best outlaw win. Yours in singing air impact wrenches, Zebra

UNDERSTANDING YOUR PAYCHECK– Gross pay: $1,222.02

Income Tax -244.40

Outgo Tax -45.21

State Tax -5.89

Interstate -61.10

County Tax -6.11

City Tax -12.22

Rural Tax -4.44

Back Tax -1.11

Front Tax -1.16

Side Tax -1.61

Up Tax -2.22

Down Tax -1.11

Tic-Tacs -1.98

Thumbtacks -3.93

Carpet Tacks -0.98

Stadium Tax -0.69

Flat Tax -8.32

Surtax-3.46

Ma’am Tax -5.00

Parking Fee -2.60

No Pkg Fee -5.85

F.I.C.A. -10.00

T.G.I.F. -81.88

Life Ins. -9.95

Health Ins. -3.41

Disability -16.23

Ability -2.50

Liability Ins. -0.25

Dental Ins. – 4.50

Mental Ins. -4.33

Reassurance -0.11

Coffee -6.85

Coffee Cups Calendar -66.51

Floor Rental -3.06

Chair Rental -16.85

Desk Rental -4.32

Union Dues -5.85

Union Don’ts -3.77

Cash Advances -0.69

Cash Retreats -121.35

Overtime -1.26

Undertime -54.83

Eastern Time -9.00

Central Time -8.00

Mntn Time – -7.00

Pacific Time -6.00

GMT -24.00

Bath Time -4.44

Time Out -12.21

Oxygen -10.02

Water -16.54

Electricity -38.23

Heat -51.42

Air -46.83

Misc -144.38

Take Home Pay: $0000.02

(This is where the expression “just my 2 cents worth” came from…)

TITAN SPUTTERING, FUTURE IN DOUBT– (Tracy Hayes/The Arizona Republic) A new machine gets a test ride after rolling off the assembly line at Titan Motorcycle. The company reported an $8.1 million loss for 1999. Its CEO and his wife also recently sold 340,000 shares of stock.

By Max Jarman The Arizona Republic April 20, 2000

Mounting cash flow problems, exacerbated by a just-reported $8.1 million loss for 1999, has prompted auditors of Titan Motorcycle Co. of America to raise questions about the 6-year-old company’s ability to survive.

Also troubling is the recent sale of 340,000 shares of the Phoenix company’s stock by Chief Executive Officer Frank Keery and his wife, Barbara, a director. The Keerys each sold 170,000 shares on March 31 at $2.31 per share. After the 1999 loss was reported April 17, the stock was trading at $1.25. The Keerys each now hold 6,592,878 shares.

“I’d be concerned,” said Craig Columbus, president of Insiderscores.com, a Scottsdale company that tracks insider trading.

Frank Keery said some of the proceeds from the sale were used to secure additional financing for the company.

Titan said it is working on possible solutions that include negotiating a larger line of credit, a private equity placement of $3 million to $5 million, and increased operating efficiencies. In January, the company laid off 40 employees, or about 17 percent of its work force.

But the introduction of a lower-priced line, produced on an assembly line, left the company vulnerable to production problems. Based on a strong initial demand for its cheaper, $25,000 motorcycles, Titan projected it would sell as many as 1,500 units in 1999. That would have generated revenue in the $40 million range.

But production delays, related in part to the company’s liquidity problems, resulted in the sale of only 1,001 units, nine fewer than the year before.

The delays, combined with the expense of gearing up for higher production, eroded the company’s gross profit margin from 15 percent in 1998 to a negative 1 percent in 1999. Adding to a $338,931 production loss were operating expenses that soared to $6.88 million from $3.48 million the year before.

The company attributed the higher costs to an increase in wages and salaries, and higher advertising and promotional expenses.

CEO Keery characterized 1999 as a year of substantial investment aimed at positioning Titan for growth and profitability.

“While we are clearly disappointed with our 1999 results, we are confident that the company is currently back on track after an extraordinarily difficult year,” he said.

Bob Lobban, Titan’s chief financial officer, said the company is making progress in its negotiations with new lenders and is optimistic its production problems have been solved. Pending the resolution of the cash flow issue, Lobban estimated the company should show an operating profit in the second quarter of this year.

BIKERNET CORRECTION– Certain species of apes have sex for pleasure as well as dolphins and humans. Like the funkin’ site; it’s comfortable, kinda like the hole-in-the-wall bar down the street and across the country. Reading your stuff I find an anal retentive Hunter S. Thompson and a grammatical Jack Kerouac…take two Quaaludes and get back to the funkin’ typewriter. So long and thanks for all the fish.

THINGS I WISH I HAD SAID– The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute!

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Earth first…we’ll mine the other planets later.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

QUOTES TO REMEMBER– In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? –Warren Hutcherson

Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That’s why you should never date a baseball player. –Marsha Warfield

I had a linguistics professor who said that it’s man’s ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there’s one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners. –Jeff Stilson

DALLAS EASYRIDERS NEEDS MECHANICS–The hottest shop in the Dallas Fort Worth region is in need of a couple of top-notch Harley mechanics. If you like a shop with a life, lots of action, and custom motorcycles, call Rick Fairless, better yet call his wife Tina. No wait, now that I think about it call the future owner Lena. She’s the cutest of them all. (214) 357-0707.

AH, WEDDING BLISS– At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”

Young Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?” Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Jay Leno Will Rock Love Ride 17–Jay has admitted to taking on the reigns of Love Ride 17 as the Grand Marshall. The Love Ride is the annual November motorcycle rally in Los Angeles. It was founded by Oliver, the owner of Glendale Harley-Davidson. It’s a charity ride benefiting the L.A. Times’ literacy program, the MDA, and Bikernet’s Group Homes for Boys. This year it’s expected to draw 20,000 riders and raise over a million in donations. Thanks, Oliver and Jay.

THANKS FOR CLEARING THIS SHIT UP– If it’s not a Harley, it sucks. If you ask why, you’re a fag. Love it or leave it. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Fuck you.

Helmets are for fags.

If you had a brain, you’d protect it. Since you don’t, I’ll pass a law, you dick.

Rare bikes should be bought for collectors’ value and never ridden so that they’ll be around for years to come.

Every bike should be ridden. If it isn’t, you shouldn’t own it, you poser yuppie-born insecure motherfucker.

People who ride rare bikes have no respect for the importance of the history they are destroying, you lowlife redneck

JOIN A MOTORCYCLE RIGHTS ORGANIZATION– I don’t care which one, and I don’t care if you go to meetings or not, just join, pay your dues, and be proud that you did.

TITAN LAUNCHES ON-LINE STORE– Titan announced the launch of their e-commerce site where Titan enthusiasts may purchase clothing and accessories. In the coming months, Titan intends to expand the store’s offerings beyond existing products to include exclusive motorcycle accessories, specialty hardware, and components.

DID YOU KNOW–A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. Oh, to be a pig. And don’t tell me those lions who mate 50 times a day aren’t enjoying it.

EXCELSIOR-HENDERSON NEW BOARD– First, Excelsior-Henderson will be in Laughlin this weekend. They will have their new models available for demo rides and new accessories for enthusiasts to check out. Get this from the American Motorcycle Network: “A Florida investor group, E-H. Partners, comprises the attempted reorganization and acquisition of E-H, according to a report by the Star Tribune. The reog. plan proposes a new board that will include the president of an accounting firm and two attorneys, all of Florida. Dave and Dan Hanlon will complete the board.” For a minute there, I was getting the impression that “all of Florida will be on the board.” That’s a lot of blue-haired old ladies.

IN CLOSING THE GARAGE DOOR– I’m headed to the garage for some final tweaking of the touring chopper for the midnight Laughlin River Run. I just finished another saga for Horse Magazine. It’s a grizzly tale of woe for two riders who live in San Pedro, California. Nothing they do seems to go right, but they have a helluva good time being constant fuck-ups.

Listen, there’s a lot of talk around about stock prices and shit from various companies. We got drunk last night and made a board resolution not to announce stock-related news. Hell, who cares, we don’t have enough money to buy stock, anyway. This lifestyle is all about building and riding motorcycles, the rest is for the businessmen to fret over. Let me know your vote–pro-business news, or against it.

Next week we’ll take photos of the Sturgis 2000 projects and begin to keep you up to date on the progress. Sure, I drink Jack Daniel’s and chase women, but we’ll get those bikes on the road before you know it. Also, I’ll let you know what’s happening with the book outlines that have flown to New York for evaluation. I’m itchin’ to start another book.

We’re planning to write a couple of books on the site in the near future, and publish Prize Possession, which is out of print. Watch for ’em. Now, I’ve got to get out to the garage, load that bastard to the gills, pray it hangs together, and get out of town before she realizes I’m gone. See ya at the Rainbow Bar.

–Bandit

Hey, I’m just a guy doing a job in a San Pedro ghetto. It’s a lonely vocation most of the time, hammering away at the keyboard 14 hours a day, and usually not accomplishing much. Sure I knock off to stumble into the garage for a long talk with the Touring Chopper. I pull up a milk crate and ask that low slung sonuvabitch, “What the fuck is wrong with you this week?”

Last week was somewhat the same, trying to off a sled to get Orwell published. I truly wanted to have copies in Laughlin–sorry. I plugged away at breathing life back into the Panhead. I’ve written three book outlines that I’m submitting to a faceless name in New York City. Then it was workin’ with Nuutboy on my next segment to HORSE magazine. Plus, there was that Ed Roth, the king of car customizers, interview for Hot Rod Bikes, and plans for Laughlin and the Sturgis 2000 run. It’s nonstop, until the weekend.

I wish I could remember Friday night, but it all became a blur as Saturday rolled around. I need to take better notes. But finding a pen and paper in a strange bed, at four in the morning, can be awkward. I’ll try to do better, though. Then Saturday hit like hurricane season. The flamed T-bird was out of fuel, and I had an Agent Zebra airport run scheduled in the early afternoon. After a bout with the weight room, I showered and buzzed onto the freeway. That Bird is similar to driving an electric go-cart, but the mat black paint and classic flames help–sorta. I swung off the freeway at Century Blvd. and drove through another L.A. ghetto to the airport. Why are airports always built in the center of ghettos? Zebra returned unscathed from another of his communist party meetings in Korea. Sure, he tells me he’s storming through an ad campaign with the largest manufacturer of automobile tires mounted to the Pacific Rim, but I’m not buying his line for a second. Hell, he doesn’t know a word of Korean. As I picked up the year 2000 conspiracy freak and his four gallons of water, I noticed the temp gauge in that fucking cage peaking. Fuck!

We had a meeting planned to promote his 1%er screenplay with some young riderless executives from Miramax Pictures. Zebra’s manager and his lovely arm-in-arm, Bella, would attend along with a couple of Hamsters, and Chris Chrome, the builder of the infamous Hill Bar. We returned to the shed, shoveled out last night’s party, and began to refuel. Zebra called Buono’s Pizza and ordered six gigantic pizzas with everything on ’em but jalape?os, and one with the peppers for me. We ordered enough beer to sink a small destroyer, and pulled out all the bikes.

Before the evening was over we broke a throttle cable, blew the ignition system on the touring chopper, burnt the rookie-rider’s boot beyond recognition on a set of 2-inch drags, and tested the Excelsior-Henderson’s ability to fly off a bridge. After entertaining, we went back to the bar for a night cap, only to start a brawl that lasted into the early morn. Hey, I’m innocent.

The next day it was odd. As I woke up, I couldn’t reach the phone, then discovering I was lying in an alley in a pool of 60-weight oil, it dawned on me that the Korean Communist Agent had to make a flight to Miami. Then the dower realization that the Bird was melting the engine block from overheating consumed my battered limbs. A thermostat was needed in the worst way. Auto parts stores are bizarre. Some 17,000 square feet of batteries, fan belts, and air freshners, and one Hispanic clerk who speaks broken English. I got the impression as she adeptly took me through an extensive computer software auto-parts program to ensure I had picked the absolutely dead-nuts-on thermostat, that it didn’t matter what car I had, how many cylinders, or what year–she was going to reach in the same drawer and pull out whatever thermostat was in there and throw it at me. She did, we blindly paid for the product and a new gasket, and drove back to the shed. We had less than an hour to take the old one off, replace it, and hit the road.

Without a variety of tools, we couldn’t reach the blistering bolts for this piece of shit with a torch and a hand grenade. With two minutes to spare the Agent lifted off to the other coast. I took the reliable 2000 Road King out for a final putt with a local bombshell in tow and enjoyed an afternoon putt to Walker’s Cafe to listen to the band, then it was off to a seafood joint on the Long Beach Harbor, then a club for a Cadillac Margarita, then… Well, the mayhem just started all over again. Goddamnit, let’s get to the news.

VICTORY PACE MOTORCYCLE FOR 2000– The Victory V92SC will be the first bike to cross the finish line at all 12 AMA U.S. Superbike Championship races this season as the official sighting bike for the 2000 Superbike Series. The Victory sighting bike made its debut during Daytona Bike Week at Daytona International Speedway.

AUTHOR COMES FORWARD TO PROMOTE FICTION– If you are interested (and have the literary guts and the beatific balls) to read (tracing the acidic purple-prose with your bony, arthritic finger; staring in disbelief through your red-rimmed, rheumy eyes; mouthing the iconoclastic words with your tremorous, thick lips) my latest mad-capped, illiterate and illiterated, mumbling musings, (in your heart-of-hearts, you really want it) try: go to the Fiction Section, then select “Gut Wrenching Gold” by Nuut Boy.

J&P CYCLES LAUNCHES NEW SITE– I just wanted to let you know that the site www.jpcycles.com has been completely redesigned. Thanks, Andrew Miller, J&P Cycles Internet Assistant, Amiller@j-pcycles.com, (319)462-4817 ext.8114

GINKO VIAGRA–There is a new drug called “Gingko Viagra.” Its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.

HARLEY-DAVIDSON KICKS OFF BASIC RIDER TRAINING COURSE– Fascinated by the excitement and allure of motorcycling, but not sure where to begin? Introducing “Rider’s Edge – The Harley-Davidson Academy of Motorcycling,” where learning to ride is a fun, challenging, and rewarding experience. Designed specifically to meet the needs of novice riders, the Rider’s Edge New Rider Course is rolling out at local Harley-Davidson/Buell dealerships around the country. Harley-Davidson has been working with the National Association of State Motorcycle Safety Administrators (SMSA) and with individual administrators to ensure the Rider’s Edge New Rider Course will complement existing state motorcycle safety programs.

Select Harley-Davidson/Buell dealers in Alabama, Georgia, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, New York, Wisconsin, and several other states are preparing to begin offering the Rider’s Edge New Rider Course over the coming months. Courses have already begun in Las Vegas and Albuquerque. By the end of the year, up to 40 Harley-Davidson/Buell dealerships could be set up to offer the Rider’s Edge New Rider Course, with more locations to follow in 2001 and beyond.

The New Rider Course uses the proven curriculum of the Motorcycle Safety Foundation’s (MSF) Motorcycle Rider Course*, and all Rider’s Edge New Rider Course instructors are MSF certified. However, each New Rider Course is conducted with the involvement of the entire staff from the participating Harley-Davidson/Buell dealership.

Lasting a total of approximately 25 hours, the course includes interactive classroom exercises, plenty of riding practice, time to become familiar with different types of motorcycles, accessories and riding gear, and a behind-the-scenes look at dealership operations. Students who complete the course will be issued MSF completion cards, and in some states may be waived from taking the skills or knowledge portion of the state motorcycle licensing test. The training motorcycle used in the Rider’s Edge New Rider Course is the new Buell Blast — an all-new single-cylinder motorcycle designed for casual fun, excitement and adventure. The Blast model’s course-friendly features include a low center of gravity, flexible turn signals, hidden muffler, and two seat heights that can be adjusted on the spot.

For more information on Rider’s Edge courses throughout the country, please call: (800)588-2743 or log onto our Web site at www.ridersedge.com.

LET’S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT, SHIT–The brand X riders just don’t get it. They blow huge amounts of money on the latest, new advanced technological innovation just to be the first guy on the block to have one. Well, I’m fuckin’ impressed, let me tell you. How fuckin’ shallow. The really great thing about Harley is that you can be the first guy on the block to blow huge amounts of money on something without risking that it might be advanced or innovative. That’s fuckin’ tradition, you imitation Ricky Racer fudge packer!

Bikers aren’t the lowlifes that they used to be; now “real” people ride Harleys, you lice-infested worthless loser.

Riding a Harley used to mean something, now any butt-reaming wannabe can get one. I don’t care if people think I’m an indigent scumbag but I don’t want them to think I may be a lawyer or a stockbroker. That would be yucky.

My dad can beat up your dad.

TIME MAGAZINE REPORT– From the April 17th edition comes this bit of trivia: We’re pressed for time and money, but Americans still have their secret passions. What would you like to do?

Travel to exotic regions of the world 52%

Own a business 25%

Learn a new language 23%

Go back to school 21%

Learn to play a musical instrument 18%

Buy a motorcycle or sports car 15%.

DID YOU KNOW?–Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

OUR FIRST COMPLIMENT– Hey, great site guys. But when are ya gonna get around to givin’ us the rest of the scoop on those Daytec frames? I’d really like some more info on their rubbermount units. Raisin pie to all. Mike

Hold on, it’s comin’.

EXCELSIOR-HENDERSON ARRIVES IN LAUGHLIN–The Road Crew and Demo team will be set up at the Crystal Palace located on Casino Drive across from the Flamingo Hilton.

Planned events for the rally include public demo rides on the 2000 model Super X and Deadwood. Demos will start on Thursday, April 27, 2000 and run through Saturday the 29th. A brand-new accessory front fender for the production Super X will also be available for riders.

Co-founders Jennie and Dave Hanlon will be available for riders to hang with. In addition, their newest model will be at the demo site for your viewing. This model has a completely new and different front end. Stop in and check ’em out.

OFFBEAT QUOTES– Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography. –Paul Rodriguez

Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic? –Lily Tomlin

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end. –Jerry Seinfeld

STURGIS 2000 COMPETITION– Is alive and puking in the alley behind the world headquarters of Bikernet. The two choppers representing Bikernet East and Bikernet West will come to life under the esteemed tutelage of Wrench and his band of sick fuckers in the Bikernet garage. In other words, we’re building these bikes ourselves in the true tradition of the American Chopper builder who never trusted a shop in his life.

So now the fight begins. Who actually will get the garage, ’cause the other low-life flat-black sonuvabitch will be built on a milk crate in the kitchen of the San Pedro shed. Zebra and his chest pounding wrench turning team has a Paughco Softail frame to begin with, an 88-inch RevTech engine, a Baker 6-speed transmission, Harley-Davidson custom wheels, the Bandit II tank stretched by Russ Tom at Downtown Harley-Davidson in Seattle, and a Harley narrow glide front end. Bandit, well he’s way behind with a 98-inch S&S motor, a Daytec chopper frame, Weerd Brothers loooong front end, Road Wings wheels, Avon Tires, Performance Machine brakes and controls, and a Terry down draft Weber carb to pull it along.

Watch for photographic coverage of the disaster to come, in the Bikernet garage. Comin’ soon

AT LAST THE TRUE STORY OF SONNY BARGER–Sonny’s autobiography will be rolling off the presses at Harper Collins within the next week for shipping to book stores nationwide, official on sale date May 17. Check the Web site page called Tours & Events at for complete info on NYC kickoff, Route 66 tour, Hollister, and Sturgis appearances, and our trip to England for Bulldog Biker Bash.

ZEBRA REPORT Attempting log on to Bikernet.com world headquarters…Zebra calling from South Korea. It’s 1600 hours and I am awaiting takeoff. Very sick, some form of beef poisoning. Confirming rendezvous in Bradley International Terminal, LAX, at exterior arrivals zone. Cell phone will be operational upon landing. You are to be sober and on time, you accursed swine. We have a big meeting with the film pimps of Miramax, Fine Line, and Green Moon and it’s high time to sell this script and get on about the business of making a decent biker movie. Contact Marko if you have not already and make him aware of his required presence. Thomas is bringing down the troops from the north. I will be staying at your house Saturday night with a planned departure to Miami Sunday.

Say again, will be staying at Fort Horsepower Saturday. You are hereby commanded to have a cleaned and oiled .45, preferably an H&K or Glock, loaded with Federal hydroshocks, +P+ rated rounds, two spare mags, also loaded, with you upon arrival at LAX to turn over to myself. I am coming in unarmed, due to the rather conservative commie South Korean government. In fact, I would guess they are monitoring this transmission, as I took the liberty of soft-wiring myself into a local phone jack at Kimpo International, Seoul. Crafty firewalls these little devils had, but not quite crafty enough. I only hope this isn’t a digital line, as it will fry the modem in this monster’s new G4 laptop.

Also, you are to have one scoot, gassed, greased, and fully operational ready for me to ride, at Fort Horsepower. And get the fuckin’ grizzly bears out of the guest bedroom. If you forget to do so, I don’t want to hear any tree-hugger Greenpeace bullshit when I blow the crap out of the vicious bastards, like last time. Further, you are to have one bottle, seal unbroken, of Jack Daniel’s awaiting me, on ice, at Fort Horsepower. A hooker wouldn’t be bad either, as the women here are exceptionally prude and very fearful of “the big Viking.” Of course, knowing your crude luck with women, you’d actually have to pay a hooker to get her to perform. I will have with me roughly 20,000 Korean won, that is all I can spend. See what you can do. And no “nieces.” I’m not going to the can for prodding some 17-year-old chippie you spirited away from the local arcade with tales of meeting a famous international writer.

I will, in turn, provide you with a full briefing of the state of affairs of Bikernet.com Far East, upon my arrival. Much has happened since I first started our Far East office. They are eating lambs wool and dried weeds and serve frozen ice as dessert to lucky visitors, but things are sure to turn soon and the local staff is in good spirits. They have acquired two Dae Lim motorcycles. Dae Lim also makes urinals, which gives you an idea of just how much emphasis is currently placed on motorcycles in this backwards culture. That will all change soon, of course, with the introduction of Bikernet.com Far East when it goes on-line. These temporary food shortages should not and will not be allowed to alter our course of solidifying a Far East office. Speaking of food, this rotted beef delicacy seems to have gotten the best of me. Am breaking into cold sweats and enjoying massive stomach cramps. Be sure to have loads of medicinal Jack Daniel’s available to kill these dastardly bugs in my gut. It would seem some form of airport security has become aware of my presence on the airport phone system, as a great uproar has just occurred and seems to be spreading in my general direction, with a goodly amount of scrutiny taking place at each and every computer terminal. I think now would be a good time to log off and go deep undercover. I will see you in 13 hours, 45 minutes, Asiania airlines. You are to circle madly in the fiery bird until I land on the hood. Zebra, out. Special Agent Zebra, Bikernet.com Far East Seoul, South Korea

CAJUN CAT FISHING AND SUCH– Oh what a spring! Been awhile, Bandit, thought I would drop a line your way. Been enjoying your column since you are “retired.” Seems more full of life these days. It has an edge it did not have before. Probably due to the possibilities of daily chaos you have now exposed yourself to.

Glad to see someone is remembering Rip in their writings. I met him in Lafayette, LA, a couple years ago when he was chumming with his pard Bob Prejean.

It has been a wild ride these past few months. I got a call back in Dec. from an ex-lady friend. Seems she was wondering what I was up to. I promptly flew her down to New Orleans for a weekend of sex and voodoo. We caught up on old times beautifully and before you knew it, I was shopping for diamonds. I passed on Daytona (never again!) in exchange for her flying with my kids down to Key West at Easter for a week of thongs and fishing. Of course after all tickets and reservations are made she decides she is out of here!

SO!!! Do I give up! Throw the bait out of the boat. My son says, “Let’s do it!” Anyway, $1,500 later, after I buy two more last-minute tickets to go get my kids and rent a car for a week (wonder why they call it HERTZ? because the price HURTS!) the kids and I are still headed to the land of fried grouper and black beans! I will be looking for a boatload of Cuban women refugees to sponsor!

In a flash the news of what’s her names departure screams across mail lines and Monique that sexy intelligent coon ass in Denver exile is headed this way for what she terms “a bayou trash weekend.” I guess that means more sex and voodoo along with some boiled crawdads and 80mph rides along the levee on the Dyna looking for a roadhouse playing some Zydeco music at midnight.

Ride Safe, the Cajun Connection

Wedding Bliss– How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

IN CLOSING– I’ve learned something about friendship this week. I’ve learned something about love. It’s not like me to cloud up and create a mist here, but I’ve dedicated my next book to my 5th wife Rebecca, because she’s a tower of unwavering class, and although I put her undeserving soul through hell, she never lowered herself. We finalized our matters the other night, and I will take my hat off to her forever for her style and grace.

Now, take your hands and place them firmly on the arms of your chair and rocket your ass to your feet (if you can’t, get back to the gym). Grab your wallet, knife, pistol, jacket, vest, boots, and gloves and head to the garage. It’s time to ride.

–Bandit

Hey, it’s almost Friday. Friday, the devil’s day of escape from the mundane to a night of sin and the deepest debauchery. I can’t wait. The last couple of weeks have been high pressure, and I left the corporate world to be free. After the cat left me, I still can’t get over it. What the hell did I do wrong this time? Not even a note, or the incessant hang-ups on the phone. Nothin’ … she just split without a word.

After the cat hit the road, the bill collectors started to bug me. I didn’t realize that without a job I was still responsible for paying the bills. How does that make any sense? I needed some mental therapy, so I wandered into the garage with a fifth of Jack and a shot glass, took the phone off the hook and began to tear down a perfectly good running ’48 Panhead. It’s a 61-inch unit that starts first kick every time. I have a swapmeet set of beautiful dual carb heads that Baisley’s Performance rebuilt a couple of years ago. The Indian neon clock in the corner said to me in an erratic ticking voice, “It’s time to see what that Pan will do.” I nodded and tore the sonuvabitch to pieces.

Natch, about the time the shop was covered from end to end with Pan parts, the lift was taken out of commission, then every other bike in the garage crapped out. The touring chopper was first, but it’s been crapping out on a regular basis since it was built. Then the chrome I sent out for the Excelsior-Henderson… Well you know chromers. Sending chrome out carries similar risk to playing the slots at Whiskey Pete’s just inside the Nevada border. They know you’re just on your way to Vegas. They need to get all they can while you’re passing through. You’ll never be back.

Enough whining, we’ll have a tech in the Custom Chrome page on alternator installation and wiring that’ll last. Giggie from Compu-Fire came out and instructed me as I did the work. Compu-fire makes a line of starter motors, alternator kits, and ignition systems, all carried by Custom Chrome.

Our Sturgis 2000 projects have taken major turns for the better. A lot of talk goes around about building bikes at home vs. $40,000 shop bikes. As a busy executive, working for a multi-million buck corporation, there was little time to spend in the garage. That’s the problem with many executives. Sure, they’re making the bucks, but everyone hates ’em and they don’t have time to spend doing what they love. As soon as the Pan is thumping again and off the lift, the rigid will begin to fly together. I can’t go into detail on either bike now, but both Bikernet East and West bikes will be built right under wrenching hands of the Bikernet staff. We’ll give you the full report on that next week.

The guys from the movie project, “Asphalt Cowboy” are thinking about a booth in Laughlin. If that happens, you’ll be able to shoot the shit with out-of-work actors in person. I’ll let you know next week.

On a final note, Human Services Network, the non-profit that houses abandoned kids in the San Fernando Valley is proud to announce that three of the oldest in the group have graduated from high school and are successfully undergoing the emancipation program. It’s tough on these kids. If you would like to volunteer or donate, call Juaquin Shelton, he’ll explain (818) 769-5686. Kids get the toughest road of all, and need the most support. Help kids in your area, if you can’t help these kids.

Life had been calming down, like from hurricane season to the day-to-day turbulence in the Bermuda Triangle. The Bikernet crew has been scrambling with Jon Towle panhandling for gas money on street corners, and Agent Zebra flying to Korea for a writing gig. Since they can’t read his shit, they think he’s cool. Oz, well, he’s defected to the establishment, working to help biker-friendly politicians get elected. He’ll be out of work in a week, once the elections have dried up. Then he’ll come crawling back. As for my hard-working self, since all my bikes were in pieces, I had to borrow one to take a girl up the coast, or was it down the coast? I stumbled onto a fuel-injected 2000 Road King. Damn Twin Cam was so smooth, all the buttons and switches worked, the bags were big enough to strip her completely down and put all her clothes in one of the bags. I get nervous on quiet bikes, though. Especially, in L.A. You need to make some noise and ride fast to prevent getting run over.

Riding stock bikes makes ya wonder why any of us deal with building custom, one-off bikes. Ya just get on these puppies and ride. My Street Stalker is the same. Pure reliable riding enjoyment without the bullshit, and constant breakdowns. I must need help. I’m trying to sell the Street Stalker to publish my next book and build another strange, life-threatening chopper.

Let’s get to the news:

SONNY BARGER’S BOOK– Sonny’s autobiography will be rolling off the presses at HarperCollins within the next week for shipping to book stores nationwide, official on sale date May 17. Check the website page called Tours & Events at sonnybarger.com for complete info on NYC kickoff, Route 66 tour, Hollister and Sturgis appearances, and our trip to England for Bulldog Biker Bash.

HARLEY-DAVIDSON CONTINUES RECORD PERFORMANCE–The Factory announced record sales and earnings for its first quarter ended (March 26, 2000) The Company’s first quarter sales were $681.1 million, an increase of 21.9 percent over the first quarter last year. Net income of $80.2 million includes a one-time net gain of $6.9 million from the sale of the Company’s Chrome Visa(R) credit card program. The Company’s earnings per share grew at 25.7 percent before the positive effect of the sale of the credit card program. Earnings per share for the first quarter were 26 cents, an increase of 37.5 percent, reflecting the Company’s 2-for-1 common stock split on April 7th.

“During the first quarter, we achieved double digit growth in each of our product lines and business segments,” said Jeffrey L. Bleustein, chairman and CEO of Harley-Davidson, Inc. “This performance reflects the continued growth in worldwide demand for Harley-Davidson(R) products and our ability to consistently deliver customer and shareholder value.”

Motorcycles and Related Products Segment

First quarter sales of Harley-Davidson motorcycles were $535.3 million, an increase of 22.6 percent over the first quarter last year. Shipments of Harley-Davidson motorcycles totaled 49,057 units, up 7,876 units or 19.1 percent over last year. The Company’s production target for the year 2000 for Harley-Davidson motorcycles has been increased to 198,500 units, up from our previous target of 196,000. The second quarter production target is 52,000 units.

Buell

Motorcycle sales for the first quarter totaled $16.8 million on shipments of 2,338 units, compared to $16 million on shipments of 2,013 units last year. This includes initial shipments of the Blast(R), which retails for $4,395, or about half the price of the next lowest priced Buell. The Blast is a single cylinder, 492 cc motorcycle that is targeted towards new riders. Buell’s motorcycle production target, including the Blast, has been increased to 10,000 units for the year.

Parts and Accessories (P&A)

P&A, which consist of Genuine Motor Parts(TM) and Genuine Motor Accessories(TM), totaled $94.9 million, a 26.4 percent increase over the year-ago quarter. General merchandise first quarter sales, which consist of MotorClothes(R) apparel and collectibles, totaled $33.5 million, up 13.7 percent over the same period last year.

For the long term, the Company expects P&A revenues to increase slightly faster than Harley-Davidson’s motorcycle unit growth rate, while general merchandise will grow slightly slower than the motorcycle unit growth rate.

First quarter gross margin was 34.0 percent of revenue, up slightly from 33.9 percent of revenue last year, while operating margin for the motorcycles and related products segment was 16.5 percent of revenue, compared to 16.4 percent of revenue for the same period last year.

Financial Services Segment

Harley-Davidson Financial Services, Inc. (HDFS), a subsidiary of Harley-Davidson, Inc., reported first quarter operating income of $3.3 million, up 26.1 percent compared to the year-ago quarter. HDFS’s first quarter operating income grew in line with its expectations to grow faster than the motorcycle business for 2000.

TOP SEX JOKE FINALISTS–A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says, “7-foot tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch dick, 3-pound left ball, 3-pound right ball, Turner Brown.”

The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him. He asks the small white guy, “What’s wrong?”

The small white guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you say?”

The big black dude looks down and says, “7-foot tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch dick, 3-pound left ball, 3-pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”

The small white guy says, “Thank god, I thought you said, ‘Turn around.'”

———————————

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”

“Yeah,” she replied, “just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said, “we were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered, “what do you say … should we get naked?” Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. “You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps, “one’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

TITAN HITS 10 MILLION MARK–Titan Motorcycle Co. of America (Nasdaq: TMOT) announced today that total dealer shipments for the company’s new Phoenix(TM) line of motorcycles have passed the $10 million mark. Priced in the $20,000 range, the Phoenix line is the company’s entry-level V-twin bike, designed specifically to broaden market appeal for Titan’s unique, custom-configured motorcycles.

“The Phoenix line is off to a great start, and we expect it to do very well for us,” said Patrick Keery, president. “Our order backlog for Phoenix model dealer shipments is surprisingly high for so early in the riding season, and the bike’s field reliability is excellent. We seem to have struck a chord with the marketplace,” Keery said. He indicated that Titan continues to ramp up its production volume capacities to respond to strong consumer demand for what the company believes is the best big-engine V-twin value available anywhere.

VETERAN ALERT– The Rolling Wall will be on display in Tombstone, Arizona starting this Sunday 4/16 at the VFW. It’s scheduled to be there until the 23rd. A ride leaves the TTT truck stop at 10am on Sunday 4/16. All are welcome to ride out and pay tribute to Vietnam Veterans, and enjoy a taste of the old west.

AMERICA’S DRUG WAR STRIPS LIBERTY–The asinine drug “war” and struggle to strip Americans of their liberty enforcement clause, the 2nd Amendment, has begun. By BOB POOL, Times Staff Writer

A clash of lifestyles in Topanga Canyon ended Thursday when an aging hippie woodcutter agreed to move out of the fast-growing mountain community to avoid the possibility of going to prison on a drug charge. James W. Hancock, 65, pleaded no contest to charges of narcotics and firearms violations in exchange for a promise of probation–provided he abandons the shack near the center of the canyon where he has lived for more than 20 years. But after agreeing to the plea bargain in a Malibu courtroom, Hancock continued to maintain his innocence. He asserted that a third of an ounce of methamphetamines, an antique black-powder musket, and several miscellaneous-caliber bullets that were found last fall by sheriff’s deputies who raided the lot where he also sells firewood had been left there by acquaintances whom he allowed to come and go freely. Like Hancock, his friends were often bearded and scruffy, which mothers delivering their children from newly built canyon homes to the nearby Topanga Elementary School found frightening. There were dark rumors of drug use at the wood yard and reports that Hancock was a squatter who was resisting efforts by the owner of the junk-laden site on Old Topanga Canyon Road to evict him.

That nervousness triggered the Sept. 30 raid. A Hollywood political consultant who heard stories about Hancock and his friends while attending a Topanga party in early September said he called high-ranking sheriff’s officials. After the raid, he choreographed a campaign aimed at convicting Hancock on a variety of charges–including selling drugs within 1,000 feet of a school. Disclosure of the role of political consultant David Carlat prompted a debate on Internet Web sites and in letters to newspaper editors that for a time seemed to pit Topanga old-timers who drive dilapidated cars and live in modest cabins and cottages against newcomers with sport utility vehicles and $700,000 homes. Some in the canyon said they were looking forward to the trial in hopes that testimony would reveal who else might be behind the raid and the campaign against Hancock.

After the raid, Carlat sought to prod prosecutors to charge Hancock with the more serious charge of selling drugs near a school. He told the media that a trail led from the school yard to Hancock’s shack. Carlat coordinated a petition drive at the school urging full prosecution of Hancock. He also tried to rally support from the county Board of Supervisors and the state Assembly and sought to pressure authorities to deny probation for the woodcutter.

Later, it was determined that the pathway from the school was actually a coyote trail that petered out in the brush a few yards from the campus.

Some of those signing the school petition acknowledged that they had never heard of any alleged drug sales near the school until they read the paperwork. And it was learned that Hancock had a legal right to be on the property.

Hancock was ordered Thursday to return to court June 15 for formal sentencing. But Superior Court Judge James A. Albracht made it clear that Hancock’s sentence of probation will be contingent on his leaving Topanga Canyon by then and staying away for three years.

REDWOOD RUN A-COMIN’–The Redwood Run has been scheduled for June 9, 10 & 11th. Click on this link for more information. Redwood Run 2000 These are the details as we know them so far. Thanks to Skip for submitting the information!

QUOTES OF THE WEEK– The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you. -Rita Mae Brown

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God … I could be eating a slow learner. -Lynda Montgomery

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. -Johnny Carson

TITAN RECEIVES FINANCIAL EXTENSION– Titan Motorcycle Co. of America (Nasdaq: TMOT) announced today reaching an agreement with its lender, Wells Fargo Credit, Inc., for a 90-day extension of its existing credit line.

“This extension will facilitate Titan’s timing for bringing in a new lender with anticipated high borrowing capability,” said Bob Lobban, Titan’s chief financial officer. “We are currently negotiating with several possible new lenders whom we believe could put us on a better financial footing going forward, should we be successful in finalizing a deal at the terms presently under discussion.”

NEW SITE FOR WOMEN RIDERS–For the shapely ones out there, there’s this dynamic, top-notch writer from New York who is developing a site devoted to women who love to ride. Her name is Sasha and she sent me the following:

I dreamed I had an interview with God. “Come in,” God said. “So, you would like to interview Me?” “If you have the time,” I said. God smiled and said, “My time is eternity and is enough to do everything; what questions do you have in mind to ask me?” “What surprises you most about mankind?” God answered, “That they get bored of being children, are in a rush to grow up, and then long to be children again.

That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health.

That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor the future.

That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if they had never lived.”

THE RELIGIOUS BENT CONTINUES– A curious guy died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into heaven. The others were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile. After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow’s curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. “Excuse me, Prince of Darkness,” he said, “I’m waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn’t help wondering why you are tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?”

“Ah, those…” Satan said with a groan. “They’re all from Seattle. They’re too wet to burn.”

PRODUCT PLUGS– In the very near future we’ll cover the complete line of Daytec frames, the most complete precise frames in the industry. Custom Cycle Engineering has developed a starter switch that bolts directly to the starter solenoid. No wiring, no missed starts, but beware your exhaust. If you can’t reach the starter without touching your pipes, don’t bother. Compu-fire in making starter motors that draw fewer and fewer amps, which allows us crazed bikers to run smaller and smaller batteries. Custom Chrome distributes special tin gaskets with a thin metal insert to prevent cracking. They work.

DID YOU KNOW– The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

NAIL ON THE HEAD, SHIT–If you have a job and can afford a Harley, you’re a yuppie RUB. By the way, an Evo motor is a dead give-away. Oh yeah, and you’re gay, too.

If you don’t put several thousands dollars in performance mods on your bike, you’re a spineless wimp with no real soul, you insecure poser, loser.

If you do put several thousand dollars worth of mods on your bike, you’re a poser scumbag out to impress sixteen-year-old girls, you insecure poser loser.

I don’t get it. I bought the bike. I wear the clothes. I buy them rounds of the cheap fuckin’ piss-like domestic swill-beer they seem to like. I call my wife “the old lady,” the police “the man” and cars “cages.” Still, I suspect that I’m not given the consideration I should be given for not flaunting that I’m too good for them. If they could see me at the firm during the week, they’d understand the effort I’m making to blend. You lower class, reverse snob, blue-collar underachiever!

Ex-Jap bike riders are like ex-alcoholics. “Hi, my name’s Bob, and I once owned a Suzuki. I’ve been clean for ten years now…”

HOT ROD BIKES–The editor, Frank Kaisler, is developing a special with 50 techs in it. He called me demanding 10 techs. Now that’s an indication of the tremendous pressure I’m under.

ESCAPE PLAN–Laughlin is around the bend. The road king still graces my garage, and another girl wants a ride along the coast. Doesn’t matter which direction, as long as the ride is long and hard. The touring chopper should be rattling windows by the end of the day, and the dual carbed Pan, well what began as replacing the heads is now honing the barrels, installing new rings, and perhaps replacing the pistons, which will mean boring once more. To top it off, the tins don’t fit over the valve collars, so I’m in search of an OEM set of tins. Ah, but tomorrow is Friday, the sun is out big-time, something in the garage runs, and she’s waiting. The adventure continues. Let’s ride.

-Bandit

The fog laid over the harbor like a blanket of doom as I returned to the shed. All seemed calm except for the cowboy-boot sized box on the leaning deck, and I could swear it was ticking. Just about to pick it up, I was interrupted by a motorcycle speeding up the bluff. It went directly passed my shed like thousands of bikes do every week heading to Walkers Cafe on the point. I checked it out like I check out all the others, stock Sportster. A guy in all black packing a girl in all black, except she sported a mass of flaming red hair. My attention went back to the box. Smoke wafted out of the corner of the amateurishly wrapped carton. I leaned over again to heft it and again a motorcycle distracted me, this time going in the opposite direction. It was the same bike.

I stood and watched it sweep along the rotting precipice that holds up the teetering houses along the bluff and watched it disappear around the curve. “That was quick,” I muttered and turned toward the box. Just then I heard a fire truck. Fire trucks and cops are a regular occurrence in my ghetto, between the gang violence and the domestic violence, the biker violence and the television violence, the area is rife with violence. Just the way I like it, calm like the ocean. Yeah right. I wanted to get inside and change my tattered clothes for the first time in a couple of weeks. I smelled so bad, my cat took one whiff of me and split.

Just as I was going to put a swift kick to the box and head for the showers, the screech of brakes squealed in my hung-over brain, and the shrill of the siren came home to rest in my front yard. It was that fuckin’ Sportster again, except this time he brought the fire department scrambling out of a Brinks truck-looking vehicle. I stepped back and studied the shingles blowing off my roof. I didn’t see smoke, and there was no young lass standing on the corner cussing me and threatening to jump. The heavily padded firemen stormed the deck, shoved me off the edge surrounded the smoldering box with scanners and such.

“Hey,” a voice called.

I didn’t pay much attention as the men in red shoved me off the deck as they whisked the thumping box into some sort of bomb detention trailer that looked like a dive bell from the ’40s ‘cept it had no windows.

“Hey, let’s ride,” The voice came again, “We’ve got to get to Rip’s memorial party.”

Suddenly the Earth shook like the initial jar of a 7-point earthquake and smoke crept out of the joints around the dive bell. The firemen huddled behind their Brinks wagon shaking hands and high-fiving one another. I was lying in the weeds at the foot of the deck wondering how I pissed her off this time when it dawned on me. The Sportster rider who couldn’t find his way was Wino Joe, the famous biker photographer of old who had flown down from Monterey, rented a bike at Bartels’ Harley-Davidson, and was planning to pick me up on the way to San Berdoo for Rip’s final gathering. We rode.

About 100 miles down the road we pulled over in a gas station. We were already feeling the inland summer temperatures rise. We met with representatives of several California clubs, magazine staff members, family, and friends for the gathering at the Crossroads biker bar in Yucipa. The Uglys brought the Fryed Brother band, and Weasels, Mongols, Vagos, and several other clubs came to pay their last respects. Hell, there were even a couple of Hamsters. It was an honorable tribute for a hard riding man.

I rode the Street Stalker out. I got a call from Joel at California Harley-Davidson in Harbor City. “I’ve got a guy who loves Street Stalkers.” I took it there. The guy showed up, puked all over the dealership floor when he spied the blacked-out beast, and ran out the door. So it’s still there, (310) 539-3366. Call Joel, or ask for Suzie, the cutest motorclothes girl on the planet.

A couple of quick notes before we launch into the news: If you like the fiction, and especially Earl’s, drop him a line. He’s been moved to Texarkana, and was put in the hole for some minor infraction like smuggling an automatic weapon into a federal prison. He could use some cheering up. Earl McNeeley, #04510-010, E-unit, F.C.I., Texarkana, Texas 75505. Sorry no e-mail.

About Bikernet, we’re about to launch a tech on the woes of custom painting from Al Martinez in Orange, California. He explains several paint jobs, what goes into each, what it costs and why.

We’re also working on an art gallery section and several more tales of terror will be spilling into the fiction arena shortly. Lot’s happening including a series of techs from Samson’s pipe company on installing exhaust systems on all makes and models of Harleys. Now I’ll quit making promises I can’t keep, and splash the news all over the World Wide Web, let’s rock:

TO: SMOOTHHD@EARTHLINK.NET– Occasionally we receive pertinent e-mails, but when we try to respond something goes haywire. This was one of those e-mails. So SmoothH-D, drop us another line. Your address failed. We’ll send the drugs to another address if the cops are watching this one.

Just kidding, I’ll send the body in a 50-gallon drum. When I got the pine box back, a leg was sticking out of the corner.

Just a joke. I promise to never again send automatic weapons loaded and cocked. I should have known that when the UPS man drops the box, the guns would start firing.

Sorry about that.

HERM ROSENMAN RESIGNS–April 4, 2000, Bikers Dream Inc. (Nasdaq:BIKR), which operates under the name Ultra Motorcycle Co., Tuesday announced that Herm Rosenman has resigned from his positions as president and chief executive officer of the company effective immediately.

Rosenman also resigned from his position as a member of the company’s Board of Directors. The remaining members of the Board of Directors have appointed Harold Collins, vice president and general counsel of the company, to serve as interim chief operating officer of the company until the Board identifies a new CEO. Collins will report to an executive committee of the Board of Directors.

The Board of Directors Tuesday appointed Kenneth Schwartz to fill the Board seat created by Rosenman’s resignation. Schwartz was formerly a director of Deloitte & Touche LLP.

The company also announced the following on Tuesday: In connection with a lawsuit brought against the company and two former members of its management by a former franchisee, a judgment was entered on March 20, 2000 against the company in the amount of $683,601. There is currently in effect a stay, which would prevent enforcement of this judgment against the company until 10 days after the last day on which the company may file an appeal. Currently, the stay will expire on May 29, 2000.

However, the company is in the process of filing certain post trial motions, which may have the effect of extending the time for appeal, and which in turn may extend the stay of the enforcement of the judgment beyond May 29, 2000.

The company currently is indebted under three promissory notes in the principal amounts of $300,000, $156,638 and $150,000, respectively, plus accrued interest thereon. The notes bear interest at the rate of 18%, 12%, and 12% respectively and became due on March 31, 2000. The company is in the process of negotiating a possible conversion of these notes into an equity interest in the company. It is uncertain at this time whether the company will be able to repay the notes if these negotiations are not successful.

DEAR DRUNKEN BASTARD– Sure, you’re sad to see the Street Stalker go. Whatever. If people want to see what it looks like, they can tune in to my lovely story and see what it looks like under a truck! You miserable swine. You had the Chinaman curse that fucker with some of that Far East voodoo and then saddled me up for the big death ride. Now you’re afraid that since I was too tough to kill, that a little of that chicken blood poison hex shit might still be lingering in the handlebars and you’re too fearful to ride it.

So you’re pawing it off on some novice tryke geek who won’t know how to spot a jinxed sled until it’s sticking out of his chest. And we all know why you really need money and it has nothing to do with publishing another of your yellow rags. It’s to pay off the local fuzz who are so pissed because you’ve been dipping into their local fuzz, that chippie waitress down at the mob’s hangout. Jesus, you’ll end up with a ship anchor tied to your leg and talking to bottom feeders yet.

And where the FUCK is Marko, the Director/Destroyer???? Aren’t we supposed to be finishing up a movie? What’s going on out there? I leave for a few months to make some loot and everything goes straight to shit. Have you made a lamp out of my punching bag yet? I can imagine it’s probably painted pink and holding up a potted plant in your john right about now. I’ll buy your Street Stalker. The offer is, I don’t tell that cop you’re still boning his old lady. How about that? Isn’t that a good offer? You scum sucking oil leaker. It’s the best one you’ll get. Oh, and that includes delivery. Send it to Miami. –Zebra

PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICER FOR ABATE OF OHIO, REPORTS From my experiences I can easily recognize two trends in this country: 1 – The government does not like bikers and they are going to do everything in their power to bust us. Maybe it’s our image, maybe it’s our lifestyle, or maybe it’s our philosophy — (I really think some of them are jealous!!) anyway, they’re comin’….

2 – We had better organize. We would have a hell of a lot more lobbying power with the bozos in the government if we would organize and put all our energy into pressuring the various federal, state, and local governments to give way to our biker rights.

We’ve got to unite, my friends. We’ve got to fight for what is rightfully ours. We’ve got to get active and involved in these important issues rather than standing around bitching about it and arguing with each other. That’s exactly what “they” want us to do. Together, if we Fight On then we’ll Ride On, FREE!! We are the “Freedom Fighters” in America. Let’s do our job and let’s do it RIGHT!! Rick Woodcock, Public Relations Officer ABATE of Ohio.

Oz now posts motorcycle rights issues, new laws, and political news on Bikernet weekly. We will take news from any organization or club. Write Oz@bikernet.com.

REASONS WHY A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN–

You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

You can trade a .44 for two .22s.

You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.

If you admire a friend’s handgun and tell him so, he will be impressed and let you try a few rounds with it.

Your primary handgun doesn’t mind if you have a backup.

Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.

A handgun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.

Handguns function normally every day of the month.

A handgun won’t ask, “Do these grips make me look fat?”

A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you’re done using it.

You can have more than one handgun living in the same house without having problems.

HIGH-TECH SECURITY COMES TO H-D– Elite Logistics, Inc., developer of the PageTrack(TM) family of Intelligent Vehicle Systems (IVS), today announced an agreement with Immobiliser, Inc. to expand Elite Logistics’ wireless tracking technology into the motorcycle market.

Through the agreement, Immobiliser, Inc. will become Elite Logistics’ original equipment manufacturer (OEM) in the motorcycle industry. Elite Logistics’ PageTrack(TM) technology will be incorporated into the Immobiliser(TM), a patented security device exclusively designed for Harley- Davidson(R) (NYSE: HDI) motorcycles. Immobiliser, Inc. also produces an Immobiliser(TM) device suitable for use on all types of motorcycles. With seven million riders in the United States, the motorcycle industry is enjoying its biggest sales boom in more than 20 years. The number of riders has increased 30 percent in only 10 years. The Motorcycle Industry Council reports that the value of the motorcycle retail marketplace was $12.7 billion in 1998 and that retail sales grew 24 percent in 1999, implying an industry value of $15.7 billion.

Elite Logistics’ technology will be available to Harley-Davidson(R) owners through a growing network of more than 400 Harley-Davidson(R) dealers in which the Immobiliser(TM) is sold. The Immobiliser(TM) is the only patented alarm that fits original factory wiring of Harley-Davidson(R) motorcycles without solder or crimping, permitting non-destructive installation and eliminating factory warranty concerns. The alarm features a personal pager that beeps and vibrates when someone tampers with the motorcycle, as well as a 16-stage adjustable shock sensor and remote-controlled siren and flashing lights. The Immobiliser(TM) automatically immobilizes the bike’s ignition system if the bike is assaulted. The alarm is protected against heat and vibration, and its factory-style connectors and main module are waterproof to withstand the elements, including jet-washing. Through the OEM agreement, the Immobiliser(TM) will use Elite Logistics’ PageTrack(TM) technology to give bike owners the ability to track a bike’s location, control bike features and communicate via the Internet or other web- based wireless devices (such as cellular phones and pagers with e-mail capabilities). Bike owners will also be able to track a motorcycle through their own PC at home or by phone through Elite Logistics’ 24-hour control center.

For more information, visit www.immobiliser.com or call (800) 966-3456.

TOP SEX JOKES– A man was visiting his wife in the hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn’t want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: “She choked.”

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try”. A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle”.

EXCELSIOR-HENDERSON MOVES TOWARD REORGANIZATION– (By Sheryl Jean) Excelsior-Henderson Motorcycle Manufacturing Co. has taken its first step toward emerging as a new company by filing preliminary bankruptcy reorganization plans, which call for repaying $5.1 million left on a loan from the state of Minnesota in seven years — at no interest, according to documents filed with the U.S. Bankruptcy Court in Minneapolis.

The proposal includes a $12.5 million cash investment by E.H. Partners Inc., referred to as “the acquisition company,” to buy 8 million shares of common stock and 2 million shares of preferred stock in Excelsior-Henderson, according to bankruptcy documents. E.H. Partners also will lend the company $5 million.

Under the proposal, Excelsior-Henderson’s existing common and preferred shareholders will not hold any stock in the future company. In addition to the state of Minnesota, other secured creditors will receive restructured notes. Unsecured creditors will receive . . . a “pro-rata distribution of cash and the right to receive certain royalties.”

WHITEHOUSE HUMOR KEEPS COMIN’– It seems the big new game to play at the White House is “Swallow the Leader!”

Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton. All these women coming forward and not one of them is his sister!

Hillary Clinton goes to a fortune teller who says, “Prepare to be a widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death.” Hillary takes a deep breath and asks, “Will I be acquitted?”

FORD/HARLEY TRUCK PLUS JAY LENO FOR KIDS’ CHARITY When Ford Motor Company (NYSE: F) and Harley-Davidson Motor Company announced that they would roll out a special pickup truck this year, guess who was the first to raise his hand for some special kids? Jay

Ford will donate a new 2000 Harley-Davidson F-150 to be auctioned off on the Yahoo! internet web site with proceeds going to one of Leno’s favorite fund-raisers, the Love Ride Foundation, and to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation, one of Ford’s top corporate causes. The online auction will run from June 20 through June 30.

“The lucky winner will get a rare truck while, at the same time, helping fund research into muscular dystrophy and breast cancer,” added O’Connor.

Leno is the Grand Marshal of the “Love Ride,” which has become a major annual event in southern California, attracting 20,000 motorcycle riders, with proceeds going to the Muscular Dystrophy Association, Harley-Davidson’s top corporate charity, and to the “Reading By 9” literacy initiative sponsored by the Los Angeles Times.

“I’m just a big kid myself when it comes to things that look great and go fast, like this Harley-Davidson F-150 — and what’s more important than kids?” said Leno. “Thanks to Ford, Harley-Davidson and Yahoo! for helping dreams come true for our ‘Love Ride’ kids,” he added.

While in Dearborn, Leno became Customer #1 as O’Connor handed him the keys to the first Harley-Davidson F-150. A self-proclaimed gearhead, Leno loves fast Fords and hot Harley-Davidson motorcycles. His personal collection includes more than 60 cars and trucks, including a number of Fords, and approximately 50 motorcycles. Leno even has a souped-up Ford Festiva packing a SHO V-6 that he uses to humble more exotic fare on the roads around L.A.

The Harley-Davidson F-150 is the first product of a historic alliance between Ford and Harley-Davidson, with both companies jointly celebrating their centennials in 2003. The Ford and Harley-Davidson alliance provides the opportunity for the two companies to jointly develop and market exciting products, like the Harley-Davidson F-150, and a line of unique automotive accessories and apparel, available only through Ford dealerships and www.icollection.com .

“AH, QUOTES FROM THOSE IN THE KNOW–Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. -Bob Ettinger

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim…’ -Paula Poundstone

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. -Conan O’Brien

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives. -Sue Murphy

MASTER ARTISTE, JON TOWLE REPORTS–Hey, Got me a car again. Thanks to many out there for the help, like the cool cat in Texas that offered me a sound Camero… for fucking free! gotta love Texas. Also to Concrete Pete for being his usual cool self and to Big Joe in Ohio for his offer. There were many others and I deeply appreciate it…..now, all of you go fuck yourselves (just kidding). Funny how I discovered a slashed tire on my newly acquired truck during the week that Agent Zebra Asshole was in town from Cuba, er, I mean Miami. You know what they say about payback,…well, it’s my turn, Special agent boy! Thanks again to the bikernet dogs out there! –Jon

OUR LESSON IN UNDERSTANDING WOMEN– There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!

The very angry looking Genie said, “Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and ‘cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!”

The surprised man said, ” OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii.”

The genie replied with a smirk, ” Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I’m sorry, it just can’t happen.”

The man said with a smile, “Fine then, I want to understand women.”

The genie said, ” Would you like two lanes or four?”

NORTON CEO CHARGED WITH FRAUD– According to a report by the Minneapolis Star Tribune, Robert Kilpatrick, Jr., CEO of Norton Motorcycles, has been charged with multiple counts of theft by swindle, forgery and credit fraud. Kilpatrick allegedly filed false personal financial information to obtain more than $800,000 in home mortgages. He was also charged with two counts of forged checks totaling more than $20,000.

Aren’t you glad we stick to American bikes?–Bandit

TITAN TO MAKE MOTORCYCLE FOR X-MEN MOVIE– Titan announced that it has reached an agreement with Marvel Enterprises to produce a one-of-a-kind X-Men motorcycle. The bike will be featured in the much-anticipated July 14, 2000 release by 20th Century Fox of “The X-Men,” based on Marvel Comics’ best-selling series for more than 20 years.

BREAK TIME– What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

HIGH TECH SECURITY/COMMUNICATIONS PRODUCT TO BE SOLD IN US– Skynet Telematics.Com, of the UK, announced the sale of the exclusive rights in the US market for the unique SKAMP Motorbike Telematics product. The Skamp product provides motorcycle users with vehicle security, driver and passenger security, telecommunications, pro-active tracking, pro-active routing, full concierge service and Internet access.

IRONWORKS RETRO FURTURAMA–According to John Siebenthaler of Siebenthaler Creative Services Media Scene Bulletin, “Editor Dennis Stemp hit one out of the park with his twin-carb special build project Knucklehead Bobster, the “flyin’ Fossil”. From our view in the cheap seats, it’s still going.”

Pick up an IRONWORKS and see if you can’t catch a glimpse.

DID YOU KNOW–An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

HORSE MAGAZINE–The bad to the bone chopper rag asked if I would write a column about my life, and some of my rides. I wrote one long paragraph. Hell, that about covered it. Should be coming out soon.

MORE NAIL-ON-THE-HEAD, SHIT– Panheads are real Harleys; Shovelheads are just like a Triumph. If you had any class, you’d own a Panhead you fuckin’ pussy. (Whew, I’ve got one)

Hardtail riders are insane; their values are not the same as mine so they’re wrong, you psychotic stuck-in-the-past indigent scumbags.

On the other hand, hardtail riders are more manly and virile than people who ride bikes that have suspensions, you spineless wimp.

TC88’s are just lie Evos, but more so. Jap-like, soulless, and aimed at wussies who can’t handle a bike that needs maintenance. You gullible, overly-impulsive, slave-to-marketing, zombies.

PLUGS– Hey, while I was barely standing in front of Mad Myron’s Billet Bar in Scottsdale finishing my 13th Jack on the rocks, I admired a custom paint job, Softail in the parking lot. The artist/builder of the sleek Daytec framed street sweeper is Miguel of psycle Paint in Mesa, Arizona. He’s young energetic and talented, if you need a painter, (480) 835-7990.

If you own a Victory, Samson Exhaust is tooling up to make custom exhaust for the Polaris built bikes, (714) 518-2480.

Received a press release from a company making a wide strip of rubber that goes over your left boot to protect it from shifter damage. It’s the Shu-Band-it at www.shubandit.com. Hmm, not sure about that name. It’s a small but useful product that’ll protect ‘dem high-dollar cowboy boots.

ESCAPE MODE–That’s it, I’ve got to boogie. The touring chop will be on the road by the end of the weekend. The Pan will be a week away from completion by the end of the weekend, and I’ll be somewhere on my Sturgis 2000 project by the end of next week. Had the Avons mounted on a couple of beautiful Road Wing wheels yesterday. Next week it’ll be on wheels. Can you tell, I’ll be hiding in a vat of 60-weight oil in the corner of my garage all weekend. But when I emerge, the pad will be calm once more, I’ll be looking for another cat, and I can crawl back in the bedroom window without getting shot at.

I know it’s a twisted life, but it’s non-stop. Goddamnit, let’s ride.

–Bandit.

There I was in Tucson, Arizona, alone in a Mexican restaurant eating dry beef and beans, and she walked in. Suddenly I forgot that I had left L.A. without a jacket, the temps had dropped to 40 degrees and it had begun to hail. I looked at my margarita then at the bike with its solo seat and wondered. She didn’t hesitate and we rode into the night like banshees screaming into the wind.

The week has been high stress. Not enough minutes to make all the dreams come true. The projector room is finally up. The touring chopper took an electrical shit, the Pan is in pieces waiting for my ass to finish the heads and start returning it to running form. The Street Stalker is for sale so I can publish Orwell. Orwell is almost finished; I’ll see a book cover next week. Three outlines will also fly out of here for New York next week, and Arizona Bike Week starts tomorrow. If anyone’s interested in the tight, reliable Street Stalker, drop me a line; the price is $18,000.

What else can I tell you, oh the next Jesse James chopper tech will be flying onto the Web sometime next week. Damn, I know there’s more, but she’s waiting, the road beacons and it’s time to wind ’em up for the weekend. Let’s hit the news:

Big Twin This in from Siebenthaler Creative Services: Just as we thought it was gone forever, we’ve discovered that Big Twin will now move to an annual schedule, to the disappointment, even dismay, of those who wallowed in the clean, contemporary design and wonderful reproduction values, not to mention the astute writing of editors Paul Dean and Beau Pacheco.

GAS PRICES UPDATE–Oil ministers from Venezuela, Mexico, and Saudi Arabia announced today that oil producing countries should boost crude oil production to bring the price down again, which are the highest prices in nine years! They have come to an agreement to boost output but the details of their meeting will be kept secret until March 27th… The three day “Gas-Out” dates have been changed to March 24th, 25th, and 26th! Please don’t buy any gasoline on these days! Please forward this message to everyone that has the old dates in April!!!!!

Willie C. Lebeau III Garnishment Specialist Ext 3842 Norrell Service Corporation

Do today what others won’t so you can live tomorrow how others can’t!

TAIWAN CORRESPONDENT REPORT– In Taiwan they have some weird laws concerning weapons. You can buy a double bladed knife like a boot knife or small dagger, but you can only sharpen one side of it! You can purchase a Samurai sword, but you can’t sharpen it at all! I was told that the Samurai sword is a two handed sword, and they’re powerful enough to take someone’s head off!

What if someone has a gun? Knives and swords by the way are sold in little stores that also sell plastic imitations of real guns. Walk in, and you see M-16s, AK-47s, SIG-SAUER, and the list goes on. They’re almost perfect replicas, with many of the same actions as the real thing. But personally I wouldn’t try firing a round from one, as they’re made to fire little plastic BBs. Some idiots buy them then convert them to fire real bullets!

–Sun, Reporting for Bikernet in the Far East

FROM THE QUOTE BANK– If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.

-Dave Barry

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?

-Marilyn Pittman

When you look at Prince Charles, don’t you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

-Robin Williams

TREV DEELEY MOTORCYCLES IS HAPPY– to appoint Dave Wallace as the new assistant manager. Dave will start officially in his new position May, 1st, 2000. Many of you know Dave as the assistant director of the Vancouver, BC, CANADA Chapter of HOG, a position he has held for many years. HOG will miss ya Dave but I’m sure you’ll still be riding with us after the job starts.

Congrats, Dave. Your pal, Dan

REMEMBERING RIP I just learned that Rip died and I’d like to send my sympathy to those of you who knew him personally. I’ve read his column for many years. He seemed like a real down-to-earth guy and I’ll miss him.

Tom Giesen

JOHN SIEBENTHALER GOES TO DAYTONA– John is a marketing genius who has launched successful marketing campaigns for TP Engineering, Confederate Cycles and more. He stumbled through Daytona for bike week and this is his bits and pieces report.

Looks like I might be putting something together for Battery Tender.

Battery Tender builds those compact bike battery chargers that know when to turn themselves on and off. Best thing that ever happened to bike batteries, Bandit

Then down to Melbourne to talk with your Chopper East guy Billy at Choppers Inc. A six-speed suicide shift?? What tha’? You’ll be busier than a one-armed paper hanger. Has an engineering degree!! from Florida State. Says he uses his calculus and geometry all the time. Would explain his wild head work.

Daytona Bike Week 2000: leave out one somber fact, that 12 riders were killed. Immediately the reports were that they were all inexperienced yuppies … make that thirteen. Four deaths due to two separate HEAD-ONS! Go figure. One was somebody going UP the I-95 OFF ramp to 92. Ouch! Most of rest due to cages pulling out in front. Seen it before, see it again.

We were guests of Cycle World in their corp. tent at Sunday’s 200. That was really a lot of fun, Sue and I thoroughly enjoyed the day. Race is 20 feet away, most watch on TV. Damn those guys are fast. Part of me says wouldn’t that be cool if, the other part says not even if you held a gun to my head.

-John

Court Rules Against Search A violation of rights was the catalyst for a recent precedent-setting decision by an Ontario court judge. The decision came following the arrest of Paradice Riders Motorcycle Club member Wayne Hayes, who refused to remove his helmet during a safety inspection earlier this year at the club’s summer vacation property in the hamlet of Cessarea. A provincial court judge found that Hayes’ rights had been violated by being subjected to an illegal search. The ruling has set a precedent in Canada against unreasonable searches without a warrant. The police must now have a warrant to search a motocyclist’s person on the roadside or requesting riders to remove their helmets.

CORPORATE LESSON NUMBER ONE

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”

The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

WANTED, OPTIC TIMING LIGHT– Hey, ever hear of an optic timing light for sale? Found it once on the Internet. It’s an optic tube stuck on a clear timing plug, don’t know if it’s flexible. Then the tube goes in a rubber funnel of some kind and sticks over your timing light. It’s supposed to direct the light inside the hole instead of flashing all over the place. Let me know if someone knows.

–Doug, Ohio

WHITE HOUSE HUMOR– The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia, announced today the president has proven that you CAN get sex from aides!

Jennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Bill Clinton was anything like the Monica Lewinski affair. She supposedly replied, “Close-but no cigar.”

The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica’s dress: “Presidue”

President Clinton now only recruits interns from four colleges: Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State, and Brigham Young.

BURNIN’ DAYLIGHT UPDATE–Through the mud the blood and the beer, two high-profile bikers, Bandit and Zebra come into big money from a nude photo shoot involving their bikes. They decide to blow the entire wad on a bash for their bros. They only have 24 hours to get to the shoot, get the cash, arrange the party and of course nail the models. They put word into the biker grapevine of the party and ride. But when things start to go wrong, they find their money dwindling fast, as well as their supply of motorcycles, whiskey, women, blood and time.

Burnin Daylight, L.A. is the initial foray into the world of motion pictures by the folks at Bikernet.com and if the opening week of filming is any indication of things to come, then the end result should be something to be remembered and censored.

Check the new projector room for more reports from our film correspondent

Site Compliment (You’re kidding!) I’m not one to lay on big sloppy compliments, but up here in Michigan the winters are long, dark and cold and the rides are few and far between until the ice melts away and the sun returns. I’m telling you, I don’t know how I made it before this Web site. It really is the next best thing to getting in the wind. Well it might get up to 40 today and the sun is out. Riding weather is back so I got to go, but keep up the good work.

Kevin Effa

HARLEY-DAVIDSON DAYTONA 200 RESULTS–Picotte Takes 9th at Daytona 200 for H-D Superbike Team. Harley-Davidson VR 1000 Crew Looks Forward to Sears Point

With the satisfaction of seeing its newly developed swingarm improve handling – plus a top-10 finish by Pascal Picotte – the Harley-Davidson VR 1000 Superbike Race Team left the Daytona 200 on Sunday with results that bode well for the rest of the season.

Picotte finished in ninth place, while teammate Scott Russell ran hard until stopping due to a vibration problem. On tracks such as Daytona, Picotte said it’s clear where the team will need to improve. “I know our team will be working hard to increase horsepower,” he said. “At the same time, not every track is like Daytona.” Indeed, the Harley-Davidson Superbike Race Team will soon be heading into a schedule more favorable to the sharp-handling VR 1000. The next stop on the AMA Superbike circuit will be held May 5-7 at Sears Point Raceway in Sonoma, Calif., where Picotte took third in 1999. “We had a great setup at Sears Point last year, and that should help us be well-prepared this season,” Picotte said. “It’s always exciting to go back to a track where you’ve had success.”

THE AIM/NCOM E-NEWS SERVICE —is brought to you by Aid to Injured Motorcyclists (A.I.M.) and the National Coalition of Motorcyclists (NCOM), and is sponsored by the Law Offices of Richard M. Lester.

Don’t miss this year’s NCOM (National Coalition of Motorcyclists) and AIM Conference at the Airport Clarion Hotel, in SAN FRANCISCO! May 11-13. The host hotel is already booked up. Call BILL BISH at NCOM, at 1-800-ON-A-BIKE, for information on the spillover hotel.

We’re expecting well over 1,000 bikers from ABATE’s and confederations all over the world! THIS FEBRUARY, Sam Hochberg, our Oregon Aid to Injured Motorcyclists (AIM) attorney and I attended the Eugene Free Souls MC anniversary party, I think their 31st. The police “protection” was awesome. Here is a sound club that does good in the community and the Eugene authorities jump all over the chance to harass and intimidate club members and their guests the whole evening. Now, Eugene is supposed to be a liberal town! Not to bikers.

I personally saw a visitor from another club stopped and surrounded by FOUR cruisers not 50 feet from the club property. Cops of every description surrounded this guy because he didn’t signal a right turn. He was riding a restored old Panhead that didn’t have signals from The Factory and it was a dark, moonless night. The only other traffic was bikes coming in and police cars from at least FOUR different jurisdictions. The guy I saw had his little girl with him.

Sam had his adventures too, riding with ABATE member Dave Morgan, along with a cameraman from a local “Cop Watch,” who was videotaping the abomination that was taking place. They watched two bikes in front of them get stopped. Sam was in a car that was between the bikes and the police when the stop was made because one of the bikes supposedly didn’t signal the turn. The camera in the car shot video showing the signals were indeed made. Sam said he was the attorney for the bikers, but the cops made him stay 12 feet away, in the “SAFETY” zone, whatever that was.

The stop was videotaped, while police photographed Sam, the cameraman, and the bikers. After careful thought, I suppose, the cops let it go without a ticket. After that, the next time Sam and friends went out in the car, they were tailed by unmarked cars. Sam says he’s never seen so many police outside of a riot.

How much longer do we have to put up with this kind of treatment? We ride motorcycles and don’t harass anybody. I don’t know about you, but I think it’s time we stopped turning the other cheek.

ZEBRA FAN (THE ONE AND ONLY)– Special Agent Zebra, Excellent story. Glad you’re not dead.

–Pablo

MORE DAYTONA BUZZ FROM JOHN SIENBENTHALER– A lot of buzz was generated by L.A.’s newest cutting edge builder, Mike Berg. New to the ranks of fabricators, Mike’s no beginner when it comes to matching performance to beauty.

His background began in karting, was honed as a TransAm driver, and seems to have consolidated around one of the most radical riding concepts seen – his Minx and Onyx bike lines.

Dual halogen mini-headlights mount beneath the front engine mount. Single front disc but no brake lever means a proportioning valve actuated with the brake pedal. Clutch? Twist backwards on the grip, and slip it in gear. Yes it runs. (Oh baby!) No it’s not subtle.

Whisper is Mike’s headed to Europe for a little show and tell after hitting the mark at the Rat’s Hole show.

EXCELSIOR-HENDERSON COMMON STOCK MAY BE TRADING AGAIN– Excelsior-Henderson Motorcycle Manufacturing Company (the “Company”) was notified on March 13, 2000 that the Nasdaq Listing Qualifications Panel (the “Panel”) determined to delist the company’s securities from the Nasdaq Stock Market effective with the open of business on March 14, 2000. At this time, the Company does not intend to appeal the Panel’s decision.

The Company has been informed that since the Panel’s decision, trading in the company’s stock may occur in the “pink sheets” published by National Quotation Bureau LLC. The Company strongly encourages anyone contemplating investing in its securities to proceed cautiously and only after a careful review of publicly available information. The Company has filed an 8-K with the United States Securities and Exchange Commission, dated March 10, 2000, which includes certain financial information filed with the Bankruptcy Court. At this time, the Company expects it will not file its Form 10-K for the year ended December 31, 1999, because of its limited court approved operating budget and the unduly burdensome time and expense involved given its limited operations.

KENYAN WOMEN PROTEST AT DRINKING DENS, DEMAND SEX– A group of women stormed a Kenyan police station to demand officers either make love to them or close illegal drinking dens they said made their husbands impotent, a local newspaper reported on Wednesday.

The People newspaper said the women, from Kandara, north of Nairobi, brought business in the town to a halt with their day-long protest against excessive drinking by their men folk.

“Our men have turned to vegetables. They leave home early and come back intoxicated. There is nobody to meet the sexual needs of wives,” the newspaper quoted one woman as saying.

The women, drawn from 24 Catholic church groups, demanded that the officer in charge of the police station either order his men to make love to them or find them new husbands because they were sexually frustrated. The paper did not say how police reacted to their demands.

The women said the population of the district was falling as a result of the poor sexual performance of the men.

CALIFORNIA VOTERS REJECT ANTI-MOTORCYCLIST CANDIDATE– California Assemblyman Richard “Dick” Floyd, who hoped to earn a state Senate seat by portraying motorcyclists as thugs, was soundly defeated in the primary election, the American Motorcyclist Association (AMA) reports.

As part of his Senate campaign, Floyd distributed fliers that pictured motorcyclists and read: “We need someone who will stand up to their threats.” Floyd called California motorcyclists who lobbied their legislators on helmet laws “Hell’s Angels types” who threatened and intimidated lawmakers. Floyd, the father of California’s mandatory helmet use law, claimed he was the only one who “stood up” to the motorcyclists. His campaign flier, mailed to voters, also made unsubstantiated claims that Floyd is saving taxpayers millions of dollars every year in health care and hospital costs because of his support of a state mandatory helmet use law. “Floyd obviously had no record of achievement to present to the voters so he tried to create a fear of motorcyclists to win votes,” said Robert Rasor, AMA vice president for government relations. “The ploy didn’t work. The voters are much smarter than Floyd gives them credit for.”

Assemblyman Edward Vincent, who was supported by ABATE of California and other motorcyclists, easily defeated Floyd in the Democratic primary election in the 25th Senate District (Compton-Inglewood). Vincent will face Republican Cliff McClain for the seat in November’s general election.

STRANGE AND UNUSUAL CUSTOMS In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.” (Is this a great country or what?) (Not as great as Guam!)

OUT THE BACK DOOR–I sneak, before she awakes. I’m gone again. The desk is piled high, the phone’s ringing, life is on the edge, just where I want it.

Before I go there’s a new fiction up, written by a brother in federal prison in Texas. He can’t see the piece, ’cause they don’t have access to a computer where he’s at. More fiction is being tweaked. Just around the corner we will start to feature bikes. The brother convinced me that you would like to see some of my old beaters so we’re kicking it off with a gallery of my old sleds. As that comes together another tech is on the horizon on painting and how to pick and what to pay for a paint job from Al Martinez. There’s more, but I’ve got one leg out the back window, and it’s time to roll.

If I survive the weekend, I’ll report back. Time to ride… -Bandit

Hey,

We’re coming out with the news a day early this week, because tomorrow will be bananas. Yes, tomorrow we’ll be spending the entire day at Jesse James, shooting the shit out of everything: There’s that bike he just built; we need another segment of the Great Chop-Off between Bikernet-East and Bikernet-West. There’s a promo shot with the actors from Asphalt Cowboys, a portrait of my lovely self with Jesse James. There’s more tech, and more tech shots. All for the readers of Bikernet. Not bad, eh? Oh, and one of the staff is having a birthday and that will fuck us all completely through the weekend.

Here’s the latest from the site. A new rowdy fiction is up, and an article on Daytec, the frame manufacturer should be flying onto the site momentarily. In addition, the projector room is finally ready to roll. You’ll be able to check out all of our film projects, get involved with one of the movies, enter a contest to be have a star-struck walk on part in one film, and check out the progress of the others.

On another front, we’ve completed three book outlines for the agent in New York. Now it’s his turn to go to work to feed the starving author behind them. Hell, a diet of old pushrod covers gets boring after a while.

There’s a ton of red-hot projects on the horizon. We’re actually looking into a collaboration design of products with JIMS Machine and Tim Condor; we’re working on a rolling chassis design that we hope to bring to the market and make it affordable for the guy on the street.

In the meantime, with a new set of shocks for the Touring Chopper, it handles better than ever, too bad the paint is smoked where the fender heated up against the tire. I’m tearing into my Panhead. Baisley Performance built a set of dual carb heads for that puppy and it’s time to see what they will do. I stripped it yesterday. The heads are magnificent and two polished 42mm Mikunis will give the almost stock ’48 a different look. Other tinkering is going on, but it’s time to get to the news, the girls, the whiskey, and another blast on one wheel over the Vincent Thomas Bridge in San Pedro.

Here’s the news:

DEAR CUSTOMER– It has been brought to our attention by several Internet watchdog groups that the content of your site is in questionable good taste and makes repeated references to flagrant violations of both law and order. As your network provider, we would like to remind you that one of the stipulations in our agreement to provide you with iIternet access is that you maintain a level of acceptable decency at all times and that you obey all local, state and federal laws.

Please review the contents of your site and remove any and all references to lewd behavior, illicit drug abuse, murder, sodomy, sex with animals, Japanese motorcycles, John Towle and/or the Chinaman, overpriced melons, prostitution, sex with minors, especially those related closely to you, and disparaging remarks made toward the great leaders of our hallowed nation, like Bill “The Liar” Clinton.

If you do not do this voluntarily, we will be forced to go through your site and replace each offensive or vulgar remark with a pretty flower icon. Remember, globalization requires us all to fall in lock step for the Ubber Furher, big business and issue neutrality.

Yours truly, Big Brother

DEAR BANDIT AND STAFF– I work for a non-profit organization in Michigan dedicated to protecting the individual legal rights of Americans. Primarily we help obtain legal representation for those who can not find it on their own, and we try to educate the public as to their legal rights.

I am working on a brochure (“Live Free…And Ride”), aimed at informing bike enthusiasts of their legal protections. I would like to include some of the information from your site. Please e-mail me if this is permissible. I would be happy to include information containing a link to your site.

This will be for distribution in Michigan only. We do not in any way charge for these brochures. Your information would be extremely helpful to bikers everywhere. Your site is fantastic!!!

Thank You, Kate Crane Attorney Referral Service, Inc. Advocate Legal Services katcrane@gte.net

No problem Kate, go for it. We will do anything we can to assist bikers with legal protection. In fact, I’m in jail right now, and could really use some help. Ya see, it’s a long story, but I’m innocent, really I am. Call any girl in San Pedro with an attorney’s name. She’ll know what to do–thanks, Bandit.

A TOP TEN FINISH FOR HARLEY-DAVIDSON IN DAYTONA–The Harley-Davidson VR 1000 Superbike Race Team left the Daytona 200 on Sunday with results that bode well for the rest of the season. Picotte finished in ninth place, while teammate Scott Russell ran hard until stopping due to a vibration problem.

On tracks such as Daytona, Picotte said, “It’s clear where the team will need to improve. I know our team will be working hard to increase horsepower,” he said. “At the same time, not every track is like Daytona.”

Indeed, the Harley-Davidson Superbike Race Team will soon be heading into a schedule more favorable to the sharp-handling VR 1000. The next stop on the AMA Superbike circuit will be held May 5-7 at Sears Point Raceway in Sonoma, Calif., where Picotte took third in 1999. “We had a great set-up at Sears Point last year, and that should help us be well-prepared this season,” Picotte said. “It’s always exciting to go back to a track where you’ve had success.”

NASCAR STARS HEADLINE VICTORY IN DAYTONA– Today NASCAR Winston Cup star Kyle Petty led nearly 200 Victory bikers on a ride through Daytona Beach. Petty joined Polaris Industries/Victory Motorcycles CEO Tom Tiller and Daytona radio personality Frank Scott of WHOG-FM for Victory’s second-annual Daytona customer ride.

As part of the morning festivities, one lucky biker, Kathy Grogan of Cocoa Beach, Fla., won a new Victory Motorcycle. Petty, Tiller and Scott announced the contest winner at the Victory truck and trailer prior to revving up for their ride.

After awarding the motorcycle, Petty, Tiller and Scott led the Victory caravan to Bethune Point Park for a barbecue lunch. Tiller rode a Victory motorcycle customized by master builder Arlen Ness.

“Now that’s what I call a Victory lap,” said Petty. “I’ve been talking with hardcore bikers here at Bike Week, and it’s easy to see Victory is really breaking out of the pack.”

THE BLONDE ATTACK–Yo, here’s the humdinger blonde joke to end all others–Zebra

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a small bar in a small town. He’s going through his usual run of stupid blond jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says: “I’ve heard just about enough of your degrading blond jokes, Asshole! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person … because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only other blondes but women at large … all in the name of humor!”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up, “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to the little bastard on your knee!”

TWO-THIRD OF NEW MOTORCYCLE ARE ON-LINE– According to a JD Power & Assoc. study, more than two out of every three new motorcycle owners report having access to the internet, with more than half of those indicating they used the internet to shop for the bike they eventually purchased. Consumers in the sport and dual-sport segments show a higher propensity to use the internet. They tend to be younger and more educated than new motorcycle owners in other segments and are more likely to have access to the internet.

According to recent market study performed by the drunks in the garage at Bikernet, most of those bastards on line, are sneaking into the internet while at work. The rest of the time, they complain about not being paid enough and what a prick their boss is.

HAWAIIAN JEWELRY CONNECTION” The whales are at their peak and putting on a grand performance, so we have decided to pull out the kayak and get in the middle of it on Saturday.

“My still unfinished Web site is cathleenbunt.com, and I’d love to sell some bikers jewelry, but I only use gold and they’ll have to be into a somewhat classical style.

“Hey, I don’t mind being the wild woman from Maui. — all the best, Cathleen

She was wild, but don’t tell anyone–Bandit.

MORE STRANGE LAWS– There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time… Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband’s lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England – but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

MAXIM STOCK QUOTES– Here’s another bit from Maxim magazine. They created there own guy-driven mutual fund called the Maxim 2000 which includes stock such as Home Depot, “They open three stores a week”. And soon the hardware store chain with have a major on-line shop.

Pfizer for their Viagra score especially if “given the reports that Viagra may be as effective for women as it is for men.” Bud, the king of beers, need I say more, and of course Harley-Davidson. Here’s what they had to report on our life’s blood:

“There’s no stopping the stock at cruising speed. In recent years Harley (symbol: HDI) has managed to expand outside the biker market. It sells leather, cheeseburgers, even insurance. The stock was up some 50% in ’99 and is still growing. Harley recently repurchased 2.4 million of its own shares, which means it’s investing in its future.”

Other stocks mentioned were: Qualcomm; Carter Wallace (they make Trojans); Cablevision and MGM Grand.

Dear Whiner (John Towle), I read your gripping account of black misfortune in the news this week and simply had to reply. In your woeful documentation of unspotted strife and high grief, you mentioned that you had your last worldly possession snatched away from you by the powers of legal evil, your 1947 Edsel automobile. Treachery! Now you’re on foot. I can imagine, being such a dumpy, sawed-off slob, what a dismal fate it must be to have to walk. Do your legs even work anymore?

From you incessant sniveling it’s obvious your giblets do not. Ruck up you crybaby maggot eater! You rat fuck whiner shit-for-brains! Why don’t you get off the pot and come clean. You married a WOMAN for Christ’s sake! What did you expect? Eternal bliss? Endless joy? Ceaseless fantasia?

Even the Chinaman is smart enough not to legally engage himself to a fuckin’ broad. Man, the next time I go to Korea, I’m taking you with me. You clearly need an education, you dumb motherfucker. You can buy a shot of ass with a glass of rice whiskey for a 1,000 won over there. You know what the exchange rate on a won is right now, you crybaby bitchkitty? A thousand to one. That means for one American buck, you can get a gut full of whiskey and a mouthful of fine Asian sushi that’ll “suck you wong time.”

You sound like Bandit. That empty-headed smallbore rider has had what, six wives? The guy would own Bel Air by now if he’d had the brains to just BUY the pussy on the open market. But no, he has to go and pay 100 times what the twat is worth on the open market by actually purchasing the vehicle.

Now quit your bellyaching and get busy drawing some fuckin’ cartoons, picture boy. You’re making everyone at the Titdome (Bikernet.com East) sick to our stomachs. With love, Zebra, Bikernet.com East, Miami Beach Eurotwat Division

DENNIS HOPPER ON EASY RIDER–I a recent Maxim interview Dennis Hopper said the following regarding an Easy Rider sequel, “Well, they can do a sequel without me. It might turn out great, but it seems like a pretty bad idea, if you ask me.”

HEY, HERE’S SOME JOKE’S FOR YOUR NEXT NEWS PAGE–As a blonde headed man, I’ve had many opportunities to be involved with women of the same color and I can honestly say, none of them ever knew I was a blonde. Wait, what was I saying? Zebra

Q: WHY CAN’T BLONDES WATER-SKI?
A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.

Q: Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
A: They have to pull their own pants down.

Q: What is the first thing a blonde learns when she takes driving lessons ?
A: You can also sit upright in a car.

Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BLONDES AND TRAFFIC SIGNS?
A: Some traffic signs say stop.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It’s difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick it doesn’t follow you around for two weeks whining.

Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They’ve both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: Why did god give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn’t want them shitting in the streets during parades.

Q: How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: WHAT ARE THE WORST SIX YEARS IN A BLONDE’S LIFE?
A: Third Grade.

Q: What’s the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-o?
A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.

MILLER BREWING & HARLEY-DAVIDSON PARTNER TO PROMOTE RESPONSIBLE RIDING– Miller Brewing and Harley-Davidson are joining together to promote responsible motorcycle riding in a program that will feature Miller Lite stock car driver Rusty Walleye. Miller Lite will make a contribution to the National Motorcycle Safety Fund based on Walleye’s performance on the racetrack in the three events in which he drives a Miller/H-D car.

Dear Mr. Bandit– I am trying to get my wife’s head unstuck from between the back tire and the back fender. I’ve tried extended burnouts, power jacking and high speed runs across town. Nothing works I simply cannot get her unstuck. I’m getting frustrated and the old lady won’t quit whining! People stare at us now at all the runs and it’s not the good kind of staring. I’m afraid I’m going to get into trouble with the DMV, too. Also, my insurance says they won’t cover her now, because she falls into the “additional chrome” category and my policy won’t cover add-ons. Any suggestions? Dave Jones, “Geek” Alabama

AMA’s Membership Exceeds 250,000– As of late February, total AMA membership rose above 250,000 for the first time in their 76-year history, marking an increase of more than 21,000 members, or 9%, over this time last year. The AMA has a history of pursuing, protecting and promoting the interests of motorcyclists. For more information, call (800) AMA-JOIN or visit their Web site at www.AMADirectlink.com.

Hey, we now have a legislative update running on the site and updated weekly by Mike Osborn, Oz@bikernet.com. If nothing else, every biker should be a member of his local motorcycle rights group. Write Mike if you need an address for your local MRO. These guys keep us in the wind year after year. Do it, and don’t come back until you have, goddammit.

DAYTONA CORRESPONDENT REPORT–Over and back Wednesday, over and back for Sunday’s race, in HFM corp. suite.

Quick takes…

What was once visceral, now corporate. Too many people, too sanitized, too orchestrated.

Remember when the ad slogan “Clean Restrooms Inside!” was enough to get you to pull over? Yeah, like that.

Hard to remember back when clubs claimed bars on Main Street, and woe be transgressors.

When the Cabbage Patch was known for pink slip drags, not dumb-ass coleslaw wrestling.

Some cat, maybe 6 feet, hauling around an 8-foot cross made in wood shop. T-shirt proselytizing about Jesus and sin, etc. Oh, this inside ER corral.

Too many over-the-hill ex-dancers waddling around in leather halters and mini-skirts.

Can you tell Titan from Royal Ryder from Pure Steel from, what’s this, War Eagle? Me neither.

All of this is just an old coot yakking. I talk about the old days. I’m the last one you’ll see rolling out a blanket with leathers for a pillow, anxious for a night under the stars. Uh-uh. I want turn-down service, room charge bar tab, clean sheets and plenty of hot water in the morning to even out the aches.

Stopped by E-H. Bad karma, right across from H-D. Waited around for 20 minutes or so to talk with Dave H. but he was out blasting around on the new glide front end. Which is sooo much better looking. ‘Ya gotta wonder.

Saw guy at Aprilia, but my pick for best corporate demo ride setup is BMW. They’ve got their market covered like vice cops at a hookers convention. A very innovative operation, with plenty of inspiration for others to copy.

Spent more time with Mike Berg. Guy’s off the scale. Willy G stopped by his booth. Folks had better be paying close attention to TMC. Time was they could care less what aftermarket did.

More later, -John

EXCELSIOR FLAG FLIES IN DAYTONA–Following are excerpts for the Orlando Sentinel: “Fans of Excelsior-Henderson, one of America’s first brands of motorcycles, may have reason to be optimistic.

“The company is not only providing test rides during Bike Week in Daytona Beach, it’s also using the world’s largest motorcycle event to introduce a new, lower-priced cruiser–a major surprise.

A cash crunch forced Excelsior to halt production late last year after about 2,000 bikes were built. Dave Hanlon said he could not comment on the status of the Excelsior’s reorganization plan other than to say he remained hopeful that a plan would be approved by shareholders and creditors.

The rumor mill among dealers and enthusiasts has a German company ready to take control of Excelsior.”

It seems a shame that the two new marquees in this country, Indian and E-H, would be owned by foreign entities. Certainly we have the wherewithal domestically.

THE FINAL BLAST– That’s it for the news. I know, it’s mostly bullshit and lies, but at least it comes with a toothless grin and a rib-breaking slap on the back. Listen, this weekend will be non-stop. No I can’t tell you who I’m seeing or what she looks like, or how many there are. It just wouldn’t be fair.

The above reports on Daytona Bike Week 2000 leave out one somber fact, that 12 riders were killed. Immediately the reports were that they were all inexperienced yuppies. That may be a contributing factor, but my belief is that when it’s your time, you’re history, and it doesn’t matter if you’ve been riding 30 years or 30 minutes. Hell, I should have been run over about 40 times by now, and I’m still alive–I think. Anyway, my heart goes out to those riders and their families. At least they were doing what they loved.

Speaking of that, the sun is out, the girls are waiting, let’s ride, goddamnit!

–Bandit

Hey,

Damn it’s nice outside. The sun makes allthe boats in theharbor appear cleaner that they are. Thenight’s mysteriesare reduced due to the recent abductionof Agent Zebra whois back in Miami raising havoc with Billyof Choppers Inc.This last week I pounded out the thirdin a series ofmadcapped articles for Horse Magazine.If they’ll grant methe ominous privilege, I’ll reprint theback issue storieshere for you to review, although, theygo way beyond whatGumba the cat will allow me to print here.

I was putting the final touches on an interviewwith HarryFisher the Colonel of the Victor McLaglenMotor Corps,when there was a banging on the shed door.Two girls ranout of the back of the house jumped thefence and ran tothe Burrito Factory on the corner to hideuntil they got acall from me. I grabbed at any drawerin the shanty andpulled. There’s a gun in every drawer,every closet, underevery bed. I yanked out something so bizarre,it mighthave been a rusting bear trap. I wasn’tsure how tooperated the slide. I shoved it back inthe drawer andpulled the Spyderco on my hip, snappingit open. I yankedthe front door open and there stood threeof the meanestsonsabitches I’d ever laid my roadmapeyes on. I wasstunned. The kid in front, with the baseballcap onbackwards snarled at me. I was too frightenedto figureout what he was saying, but the back ofhis baseball capread “World Famous JIMS Products”. Hehad to be alright.

I tried to remember what happened lastweekend, who I waswith, what joint I was thrown out of.I couldn’t remembera thing–bad answer. Mr. Baseball capand his cohortgrabbed me by the arms and mumbled somethingaboutdropping my body at a Mexican Restaurantin East L.A. Mybody? What happened to good old AmericanCats? “Gumba,” Iyelled as they drug me to a rumbling Suburbanat the curb.Then I realized who the ring leader was,Kim Hotinger, abig thick man with a graying goatee. Hissister once workin the same joint I did. Terror struck,my knees wentweak, what could I have said to her? Someonehit me on theback of the head with a pipe and I wentout. We better getto the news:

BIKERNET COMLINK ACTIVATED–ZEBRA HERE…

THE GREAT BIKERNET CHOP-OFF–TheGreat BikernetBikernet.com west and Bikernet.com eastlock horns,chopper style. No, there hasn’t been someunfortunateaccident in the Bikernet World Headquartersgarageinvolving a band saw. This is somethingmore far reaching(so to speak) with much greater implications(punintended). In what might very well bea showdown of thetwo top custom chopper builders in theworld, BikernetWest and Bikernet East, commanded by Banditand myselfrespectively, have squared off to seewho can crank outthe most hardcore, outlaw chopper forour run to Sturgis,2000.

Bandit will be calling on the extensivetalents of JesseJames (yes, he’s a direct descendant ofthe mass murdererfrom Missouri) and his Long Beach goosenecker monstershop, West Coast Choppers. See the linkon the Bikernethomepage to go to Jesse’s website. I willbe looking toeast coast engineering expert and go-fastgiraffespecialist, Billy Lane and his band oftrash-can boreoutlaws at Choppers Inc. Go to Choppersinc.comto seeBilly’s website (a link will be comingshortly to Bikernetas well and we look forward to addingBilly and his crewto our site of A-list companies).

I tossed the gauntlet into a puddle ofJack about a monthago in L.A. and Bandit accepted the challengewith hisusual 1%er gusto. We were trying to figureout what to dothis year for Sturgis which would representBikernet andits corporate motto of “Have fun or dietrying”. We talkedabout riding stock antiques. We talkedabout buildingShovels. We’d been spending a good amountof time atJesse’s place in Long Beach for variousreasons, somelegal, and Jesse was already tearing downtheexceptionally cool, but virtually unrideableBandit II.

We also have been in close communicationwith Billy on theeast coast and I was planning to run outto Miami Beachand grab a place to establish a Bikernetpresence on theother side of the highway. Then it hitme, why not haveboth chopper shops create their most unique,most elitework, with absolutely no limits and completeauthority togo far beyond boundaries, then let thepeople decide. So,it was agreed, we would each build a verycustom chopper,one that illustrated our personal preferencesin ridingand style. We’re planning (providing we’reboth stillliving) to ride the monsters north. We’llbe riding fromMelbourne, Florida and Bandit from SanPedro, California.We’ll meet at Two-Wheelers in Coloradofor one longdrunken brawl, then a 450 miles ride northand east, so wecan put the bikes on display at the OKCorral ofmotorcycling–Sturgis. Ballot boxes willbe available andbikers will be able to cast their votefor their favoritechop.

To spice things up beyond simple pride,the loser pays forthe other bro’s entire trip. With my usualimmenseconfidence and complete disregard formisfortune, I planto wrack up enormous bills in anticipationof Banditfronting all my costs when I whip hisass. And of courseyou can expect him to do the same. Itshould be a monstershowdown. Both Billy and Jesse are provensuperpowers whenit comes to big horsepower stretch necks,with seriousengineering skills and exceptionally creativeminds thatresult in motorcycles which make grownmen drool andweaker riders seek cover. Both buildersride their ownmachines and ride them hard. In fact,it could be saidthat the front tires on either Billy orJesse’s personalchoppers are formalities, as they rarelyspend any time onthem. As Jesse once told me in his shop,”We’re our ownR&D department when it comes to stresstesting. If a partcan be broken, we’ll break it long beforeit could everget to a customer.” If Billy told me hehad 1,000 miles onhis back tire, I would estimate him tohave about 100 onhis front tire.

We’re even going to provide a separateweb page for theshowdown, which will allow you to seeside by sidecomparisons of the bikes as they evolve.I’m sorry to sayBandit is already way out in front withthe constructionprocess, and you can view the beginningsof the Bandit IIIin the bikernet garage. Billy and Jessewill each be givena special place in their respective sectionsto writeupdates on anything which they feel mightbe pertinent orof interest to our three hundred thousand-plushitters whoread Bikernet each month (yes that’s over30,600,000worldwide hits annually and climbing,a Bikernet personalbest). You can count on a couple of things,the contestwon’t be boring, Bandit and I won’t playfair, and themachines will be outstanding.

Zebra, Bikernet.com east, Miami Beach 12:34a.m.,somewhere over Texas

Ehlert Publishing GroupAnnounces LaunchOfWomen’sMotorcycle Publication–Maple Grove, Minnesota(March 1,2000) ? Ehlert Publishing Group, Inc.has announced thelaunch of a new magazine targeting womenmotorcycleenthusiasts. The premiere issue of WomanRider will makeits debut in early July.

Woman Rider will launch as an annual in2000, with acontrolled distribution of 40,000 copies.Plans call for aconversion to paid subscriptions and afour-time frequencyin 2001. The initial 40,000 distributionwill come fromEhlert’s database of women motorcycleowners. Woman Riderwill join Ehlert’s stable of motorcyclepublications thatinclude Rider, American Rider, CruisingRider and ThunderPress.”The motorcycle industry continuesto grow at ahealthy rate, with 1999 retail sales up24% from a yearago. A big part of that growth is comingfrom the women’ssegment,” explained Group Publisher DickHendricks.”Current statistics show that one in every12 motorcycleowners in the U.S. is a woman. Women madeup nearly 10% ofnew bike purchasers this past year. Thetime is right fora quality, lifestyle magazine for activewomen motorcycleenthusiasts.”

Genevieve Schmitt has been named editorof Woman Rider.Schmitt previously served as editor ofthe now-defunctpublication Asphalt Angels. She is anactive motorcycleenthusiast who has also produced and reportedmotorcyclesegments for “Bike Week,” which airs onthe Speedvisioncable network, and for “Travel Daily,”which airs on TheTravel Channel.

Two little potatoes are standing on thestreet corner–How can youtell which one is the prostitute?

It’s the one with the little sticker thatsays “IDAHO”.

HARLEY-DAVIDSON CVO SPREADS ITS WINGSWITH THE NEWSCREAMIN’ EAGLE ROAD GLIDE– Harley-Davidson’sCustomVehicle Operations(CVO) Program continuesto soar with theintroduction of its newest customvehicle-theFLTRSEIScreamin’ Eagle Road Glide. In designingthe FLTRSEI,theCVO team looked to the Screamin’ EaglePro Stock race teamforinspiration. The result is a radical,yet street-legal,custom thatshowcases Screamin’ Eagle highperformanceparts and reflectsHarley-Davidson’s racingheritage. 

The CVO program, which created the enormouslysuccessfulCustom FXRline, was established in orderto testHarley-Davidson’s ability to producehighlycustomized andaccessorized, low-volume, niche motorcycles.Theoverwhelming success of this eliteline has proven thatHarley-Davidson’sCVO program is here tostay, fulfillingcustomer dreams with custommotorcycles.

The FLTRSEI Screamin’ Eagle Road Glidefeatures a highperformance1550cc Twin Cam motor in silverand chrome. Thepowertrain utilizesScreamin’ Eagle performancepartsconfigured in a special street-legalpackage,includingbig-bore cylinders, flat-top pistons,intakecalibrationcartridge, and air cleanerfor a 10% increasein horsepower and 14% gain intorque.  

The Screamin’ Eagle Road Glide also featuresmore than$7,500 inGenuine Harley-Davidson customaccessories andoffers two exciting custompaint schemesto choose from: aBlack and VR Racing Orange and ArcticWhiteor Three-toneRed-both with Screamin’ Eagle racing graphics.Theadditionalaccessories include:

* Touring Mufflers with Shark Fin End Capsand Full ChromeShields

* New Seat with Color Inserts (red only)and matchingRider, Passenger andTour Pak Mounted PassengerBackrestPads

* New Cloisonn? Tour Pak Lid Emblem, 1550ccAir CleanerInsert and NewConsole Inserts

* Painted Inner Fairing on Red Version

* Fairing Lowers

* Silver Sparkle 9-Spoke Cast AluminumWheels

* Black Wall Tires

* Fairing Lower Storage Boxes-color matchedon red paintscheme

* Saddlebags and Tour Pak Liners

* Tear Drop Floating Brake Rotors-Frontand Rear

* Aluminum style Chrome Billet Mirrors

* Smoked Low-profile Windshield

* Painted Saddlebag Filler Strips

* Silver Painted Front Brake Calipers withChrome Inserts

* Chrome Dip Stick

* Girder-Style Shift Levers

* Silver Gauge Faces

* Detachable Passenger Backrest with Pad

* Cruise Control

* Chrome and Rubber Style Hand Grips, RiderFoot BoardInserts, Brake PedalPad and Shifter Peg

* Chrome Instrument Bezels on auxiliarygauges

* Chrome O.E. Style Handlebars

* Detachable Shorty Tour Pak with Liner,PassengerBackrest and InteriorLight

* Tour Pak Spoiler with Integrated BrakeLight

* Polished Stainless Steel Shift Linkage

* Chrome Front Axle Nut Covers

* Braided Stainless Steel Front Brake Line

* Chrome Hand Control Levers

* Chrome Handlebar Switch Housings

* Chrome Lower Fork Sliders with ChromeCow Bells

* Chrome Passenger Footrests with Chrome3-slot Footpegs

* Chrome Rear Master Cylinder Cover

* Chrome Lower Fairing Mounts

* Matching Indoor Motorcycle Storage Coverwith Screamin’Eagle Graphics

The Screamin’ Eagle Road Glide has a limitedproduction of1550units, each with a suggested U.S.retail price of$22,495 (California pricesslightly higher).The 2000FLTRSEI carries Harley-Davidson’s standard12-month,unlimited mileage warranty and will beavailableatHarley-Davidson dealerships throughoutthe United Statesand Canada.

For additional information on the Screamin’Eagle RoadGlide andHarley-DavidsonGenuine MotorParts and GenuineMotor Accessories, visit the Harley-Davidsonwebsite atwww.harley-davidson.com. To find a dealernear you, calltoll free1-800-443-2153 in the U.S.

STRANGE CUSTOMS–In Lebanon, menare legally allowed tohave sex with animals, but the animalsmust be female.Having sexual relations with a male animalis punishable bydeath. (Like THAT makes sense.)

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examinea woman’sgenitals, but isprohibited from lookingdirectly at themduring the examination. He mayonly seetheir reflection ina mirror.

Muslims are banned from looking at thegenitals of acorpse. This also applies to undertakers;the sex organsof the deceased must be covered withabrick or piece ofwood at all times. (A brick??) The penaltyformasturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.(Which head?)

HA LEATHERS–I just bought my secondvest from Little Joe,who has been making leathers for bikersfor over fiveyears. It’s startling what a man can dowhen he puts his30 years of experience into each product.I’m notmentioning this because of something hedid for me. Thisis a man who has been a Hells Angel forover 20 years andhas put everything he knows into designingleather wearthat looks good and performs well. Weall know theproblems we can have with leather shit,well you won’thave those problems with Joe’s products.Give him a call,and he’ll send you a flier, (800) 329-8101.

JON TOWLE CHECKS IN

ALRIGHT TROOPS, LISTEN UP! As someof you know, most of myworldly goods have been surrendered orconfiscated by thepowers that be due to a marriage gonesouth and a hugedebt racked up by a certain female thatshall remainnameless (okay some of it could have beenme).

One of the few things I have left is mycar…..a nice onetoo. Well guess what? bye bye mother-fuckingcar! They’retaking my only mode of transportationboys and girls.

Due to the fact that I trust almost nobody,I ask you finefolks for leads or offers of a cheep setof wheels foryours truly ( let’s keep in mind thatI do have a littlepride and only speak English…just kidding).I willrebound from this living hell in time,but right now I’vebeen sucker punched in a big way, if youcatch my drift.thanks for any help, your angry pal,

Jon Towle-(jon@bikernet.com)

WEEK THREE OF MAKING– “Burnin’Daylight, L.A.” As with alllarge projects, “Burnin’ Daylight, L.A.”,the first in aseries of biker videos from Bikernet,is not without itsproduction problems. Motorcycle crashesand arrests haveplagued the making of this outlandishvideo, though theyhaven’t dampened spirits notably. Butthis week an eventdid take place which managed to slow productionfor atleast the first few days. Bandit disappeared.Marko, TheDestroyer, and the director, was stormingall over theplace trying to find the missing outlaw,while Zebra usedthe time to catch up on missed phone callsto his womenout of state (on Bandit’s home phone)and make friendswith a couple of new ladies he met recentlyduringfilming. “Tryke groupies” as Zebra callsthem.

“They’re just innocent young ladies whoare attracted tomotorcycles and guys with long knives,”Zebra told mematter-of-factly as he chatted up a younglady withenormous breasts at Bandit’s pad in SanPedro. “I’mwilling to take these young girls undermy protective wingand teach them the secret love makingtechniques of theancient Chinese. At least I think it’sChinese, itinvolves chopsticks and Bandit said somethingabout sushibefore he split. Where’d he go? Who knows?Bandit just upand rides sometimes. Maybe Texas. He’llbe backeventually. I don’t know what the bigto-do is all about.It’s Marko really. He’s from Argentina.You know howLatins are. Very excitable. I tried toget him to drinksome whiskey and knock off a piece offresh pussy, buthe’s too wound up. Fuck him.”

“I’m just trying to control my rage,” Markorespondedvehemently when I questioned Bandit’swhereabouts. “Tosimply disappear right in the middle ofmaking a movie isfucking unreal. It’s insane. The guy isentirelyunpredictable. I can’t work like this.We’re spendingthousands of dollars a day on this fuckingmovie and oneof the two principles just vanishes. I’mgoing to killhim. I swear to God I’m going to killhim.”

When I asked Marko what it’s been likeworking with Banditand the Zebra to date he flew into a rageand punched hispickup truck before responding.

“It’s been fucking awful! They won’t doanything I tellthem to do. They’re always off fuckingthe models whenwe’re trying to shoot them. Bandit musthave picked up 40women in two weeks. One was maybe 17,maybe. Sure, she wasa hottie, but 17? That’s prison time,man.

Zebra shoots everything. Yesterday he shota fucking$6,000 digital camera! $6,000! That fuckingthing didn’teven belong to me! It belongs to Playboy!I’m going tohave to pay for that. Then Bandit spilledJack Daniels ona roll of film and we had to re-shootan entire sequence.They’re completely rogue, they’re outof control all thetime. I never know what they’re goingto do next.”

When I inquired as to why Zebra would shoota camera, TheDestroyer again punched his pickup.

“I’m trying to hard to control my rageright now, Joe.It’s so hard. The fucking guy- he- fucking,who knows?!Some crazy shit about a giant lizard thatwas hiding inthe camera or some sort of shit. Apparentlyhe and Banditgot into some LSD or something when wewere filming. Ithink they gave some to the models too,because later inthe day they were all freaking out andrunning all overthe set naked. I don’t know. Can you imaginethat? LSD?During a photo shoot? After the shoot?Fine. But during?Jesus! I’ve worked with bikers on a dozenprojects before,like “Choppers and Chicks”, but I’ve neverseen anythinglike these fucking guys. We’ll never getthis fuckingthing done. Never. I’m just trying tocontrol my rage.”Stay tuned for more updates on “Burnin’Daylight, L.A.

Joseph Smithee, film correspondent at largereporting forbikernet.comWeek Three, “Burning’ Daylight,L.A.”

POETRY IN MOTION — I went througha hot rain, trying to findthe essences of my soul, only tofind pain.

I went through the darkest night, waitingto hear theBlack Bell toll.

I’ve been in a countless crowd. Still,I was covered in ashroud.Breathing but feeling nothing.Except a cold windat my back. Feeling thecards of life againstme, begin tostack.Hearing the hoof beats of the LastRider in adistance.

It’s my time to feel the saddle’s fit &pull on the ghostrider’s bit.Let out a cough, and bloodI will spit. In thewind, my heart & horse thatbecomessteel will mend.

Finally together we will blend. Going downour long emptyroad, I laugh, myhair flys, I no longerfeel the load.

Keep it together Brothers.

–JD

AMERICAN QUANTUM SIGNS 10 NEW DEALERS–Melbourne,AmericanQuantum Cycles signed up 10 new dealersat the PowersportsDealer Expo in Indianapolis in February,bringing theirtotal dealer network to 61. The 61 dealersputs AQ aheadof their business plan of 68 dealers bythe end of thefiscal year.

Way to go, guys.

Hey Bandit (& clan), great site– I’veheard about it andknew that you had branched out, lookslike you made theright choice. It was great to see yourarticle onSportster horsepower (see garage). I’mglad that youadmitted that most bikers started outon a Sportster.Seems most have forgotten that. My wifeand I love ours.She rides a hopped up Hugger, was an 883but we cut ourlocal speed guy loose on it and now she’spushin’ around75 hp. Not bad for a street runner. Minewas a fairlystock 1200 Custom, till a cager decidedto rearrange thebike and my leg. It’s in the shop nowgetting put backtogether and should look tough when it’sdone. HP upgradeswill have to wait. About rigid riders,would love to readanything about the rigids. After payingoff my basic ride,I’m gonna start a rigid chopper. Not surewhat engine(probably Shovel) but it’s gonna be astripped down,no-shit real fuckin’ bike.

Hey, check the garage and above for thetwo rigids goingto Sturgis this year–Bandit

WORLDS FUNNIES SEX JOKES– by populardemand, We will runthe standards of the industry in threesegments. There’sonly nine, man. Enjoy ’em.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants toask the clerk aquestion.As he turns to go to the frontdesk,heaccidentally bumps into a womanbesidehim and as hedoes, his elbow goes into her breast.They arebothstartled and he says, “Ma’am, if yourheart is as softas your breast, I know you’ll forgiveme.” She replies,”If your penis is as hard as yourelbow,I’m in room 1221.”

A young man walks up and sits down at thebar. “What can Iget you?”the bartender inquires. “I want6 shots ofJagermeister,” responded theyoung man.”6 shots?!? Are youcelebrating something?” “Yeah, myfirstblowjob.” “Well, inthat case, let me give you a 7th on thehouse.””Nooffense, sir. But if 6 shots won’t getrid of the taste,nothing will.”

A businessman boards a flight and is luckyenough to beseated next toan absolutely gorgeous woman.They exchangebrief hellos and he noticessheis readinga manual aboutsexual statistics. He asks her about itand she replies,”This is a very interesting book aboutsexualstatistics.It identifies that American Indians havethe longestaveragepenis and Polish men have the biggestaveragediameter. By the way, myname is Jill.What’s yours?” Hecoolly replies, “Tonto Kawalski, nicetomeet you.”

COME IN, OVER–I read Zebra’s latestramblings. Don’t knowwhere he is or what he’s been snorting(or drinking,smoking and porking),but he is definitelyNOT in Korea.The characters shown in his writings arenot Korean, butChinese. Living in Taiwan, I should know.Those kinds ofcharacters you will see mostly in placeslike China,Taiwan, or Japan since their writing isbased on Chinesecharacters.

The notorious Agent must have been on somethingif hebelieved you or anybody when they saidKorea is balmy.Yeah, right fella! Korea is only balmyduring the summer.Now it’s winter and your nuts get so coldthat when theyhit together they sound like ice cubestinkling in a glassof Jack Daniel’s! If you want balmy, headfarther south toThailand, Malaysia, or the Philippines.Of course thenZebra wouldn’t get any work done, he’dbe too busydebauching himself and all those lovelyAsian beauties,swilling that cheap whiskey, and generallygetting a worldclass case of the clap!

Now here’s a little news item you mighthave heard about.This young pop star named Cheng, who issupposedly verypopular in Asia, was on a L.A. to HongKong flight. Iforget the airline. Anyway, as soon ashe’s in his seat,he starts drinking like crazy. ChampagneSome wine, andseveral glasses of cognac. So he startssinging loudly,grabs the arm of a passenger next to him,and begins toyell. The guy goes to complain to thecrew about thebehavior and smoking in the first classcabin, and prettysoon the co-pilot comes to try and stopthe guy and getsgrabbed around the throat. Later the pilotjoins in andhas to brain the guy with a flashlightto shut him up! SoHelvetica”>the flight had to land in Anchorage, Alaska.For somereason this forced the pilot to dump 6,000pounds of fuel!

The singer, as a U.S. citizen, faces apossible sentenceof twenty years and a sizable fine. Idon’t know aboutyou, but I think it’s a really bad ideato start a fightor any kind of trouble when your 40,000feet in the air!And who was flying the plane when theasshole was causingall this trouble!? I’ve heard since thathe paid a fineand was released. Personally, I thinkfor all the troubleand inconvenience he caused they should’veflushed himdown the can as they passed over Alaska.

That’s it! Keep riding and writing, Sun

NEW ENGLAND MOTORCYCLISTS AND MRF STOPHELMET LAW–The NH House of Representatives killedthe latest proposal for ahelmet law in the state. Following twohearings, the billwas given status of “Inexpedient to Legislate”by aunanimous vote. Not one of the 400 Housemembers,including the sponsors, thought the helmetlaw billmerited further consideration.

The MRF and other motorcyclists’ rightsorganizationscontributed testimony to the hearings.full story

DEAR RESIDENT–I am an avid readerand I would like tocomment on this Zebra character. He seemslike a wonderfulperson with a great deal of misunderstoodenergy. Perhapsa few weeks in the Betty Ford clinic andsomeunderstanding would be better than yourperpetual chiding.You may be driving him deeper into hisstate of aggressivebliss. You may also want to try gettingout of his fuckin’way when you ride on the open road, becauseyou ride likea girl and he’s sick of having to blowby your fat asseverytime he rides with you.

The anonymous reader…

DARWIN AWARDS– In February, accordingto police inWindsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta, 27, andRandy Taylor, 33,died in a head-on collision, thus earninga tie in thegame of chicken they were playing withtheir snowmobile.

In Betulia, Colombia, an annual festivalin Novemberincludes five days of amateur bullfighting.This year, nobull was killed, but dozens of matadorswere injured,including one gored in the head, and oneBobbittized. Saidone participant, “It’s just one bull against[a town of] athousand morons.”

PADERBORN, GERMANY – Overzealouszoo-keeper FriedrichRiesfeldt fed a constipated elephant Stefan22 doses ofanimal laxative and more than a bushelof berries, figs,and prunes before the plugged-up pachydermfinally letfly, and suffocated the keeper under 200pounds of poop!!!Investigators say that the ill-fated Friedrich,46, wasattempting to give the ailing elephantan olive-oil enemawhen the relieved beast unloaded on himlike a dump truckfull of mud. “The sheer force of the elephant’sunexpecteddefecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to theground, where hestruck his head on a rock and lay unconsciousas theelephant continued to evacuate his bowelson top of him,”said flabbergasted Paderborn police detectiveErik Dern.”With no one there to help him, he layunder all that dungfor at least an hour before a watchmancame along, andduring that time, the keeper suffocated.It seems to bejust one of those freak accidents thathappen.”

BUELL RACING SETS SITES FOR 2000–as the title sponsorfor AMA Pro Thunder Series. The comingyear promises to beanother action-packed racing season forthe BuellMotorcycle Company. Following a successful1999 season,the Wisconsin-based company will expandits racingparticipation this year by sponsoringthree series inwhich Buell motorcycles compete: The AMABuell Pro ThunderSeries, the PACE Formula USA Buell LightningSeries andthe ADBA Buell SS/XL Series. Don’t missa race.

AVON TYRE CHART--After many programmingheadaches our HTMLWizard, the Doctor of Deadlines, the Terminatorof TimeTables, finally launched the super simple,nothing-to-itAVON Tyre fitment chart for your never-endingreview.That’s right under the AVON page you’llfind a chart withthe entire line of AVON tyres, the overallwidth of eachtire, the diameter, the rim size needed,and well check itout and see for yourself.

YOU LUCKY BASTARDS–THAT’S IT. That’scorrect, I’veactually run out of news for this week.Of course rumorsare abundant, bullshit stacked to theceilings, but giveme a break, after a massive Machaca Burritoand a coupleof shots of Tequila, I can’t wait fora siesta and thehappy hour to follow. Sure, I’m forgettingsomething, butI forget my mother’s birthday every year.I’d forget tofeed Gumba everyday, unless she bit myankles in themorning.

What’s more important than a good runningmotorcycle andFriday night–fast approaching. Let’sride!

–Bandit

There I was minding my own business. Agent Zebra was in Seoul, Korea, acting as a pimp for a male escort service. Renegade was tearing the touring chopper apart in the garage. Works Performance is building the shocks a half-inch longer and setting the bottom out dimension so the damn tire doesn’t smoke the rear fender. I was waiting on chrome from Cindy at the famous Century Motors in San Pedro when all hell broke loose. Zebra was back in town, Marco the maniac was squealing through town taking the Agent to Bartels’ to rescue the Street Stalker. Bartels’ had completed a masterful job of returning the black beast to full working order after the terrible car people had demolished it. We needed two more running bikes for the evening. The Agent was dragging along Christian D’Andrea from the production company A Band Apart, part of the Miramax pictures group.

I called Wrench, “Is the Pan running?”

“Of course,” Wrench snarled over the sound-powered phone in the garage, “you bastard, it always runs.”

Renegade stumbled into the Pedro shed grumbling about the chrome not being done. “Where’s the parts, you big ugly…?”

“At the chromers, you dumb sonuvabitch,” he snapped.

We all are so cordial around the World Headquarters of Bikernet.com. “Listen you knife-drawing maniac. Go down to Century and threaten their lives, if they don’t get the parts back. And don’t come back without them.” Renegade is a monster of a man with jet black hair and a constant, consistent red-freak attitude. He slammed me against the wall, pulled his knife and had it jammed under my goatee faster than a humming bird blinks.

“We’ve been friends for a long time, but I don’t take shit from anyone, not even you, brother.” His eyes were coal black and piercing like the knife point causing a trickle of blood to run down my neck.

I coughed, “Then you shouldn’t have any problem getting the parts back.” The pressure was mounting around the headquarters. There were no deadlines anymore. Well sorta, with the site we had deadlines constantly. But it’s only us clowns making ’em happen, so the mellow atmosphere has been loose and easy. This was an anomaly to our daily routine and we were loosing control. Renegade stomped out of the shed rocking the rickety hardwood floors on his way out. I went immediately to the phone and dialed like a madman. “Century Motors?” Cindy came on the line.

“Mrs. Motors?” I said quickly.

“Mr. Bandit,” she responded formerly.

“Renegade’s on his way to get those parts that were to be chromed. He’s pissed…” the phone went dead.

By the time the bastard with “no-patience!” tattooed on his arm almost tore the front door off the hinges entering the shop, Cindy had ’em bagged and ready for the big man.

By 6:30 the Excelsior-Henderson was rolling. Jenny from Dallas, Wrench’s assistant, had checked the oil in the Pan, tested the battery, and broke the seat mount. She also fixed it then shorted the brake wire out so that when we depressed the brake the bike quit. Bare wire against the fender hinge. Fixed. We were ready for the quest from Hollywood.

So the bastard from Korea rolls up on the Street Stalker, the Pan and E-H are humming, and I find out that this kid has ridden maybe once when he was six. As he pulled out for a cruise around the block we took bets that he’d pile into a bunch of trash cans, run aground on a curb, or miscalculate a corner, glance off a rusting Cadillac hulk and center-punch the striped pick-up truck across the street. Fortunately, no one would storm out of any of the leaning one-bedroom bungalows on the block screaming, “Look what you’ve done to my car!” Hell, all the cars on the block are stolen.

Christian made it, we saddled up and flew over the Vincent Thomas expansion bridge, much like the Golden Gate Bridge in Frisco, and into Long Beach for pool and tunes at the Blue Cafe. Then we dragged the virgin rider hanging onto the bars as if he were a flag in a gale, while we escorted him to every dive bar in town. When the night was over we made two conclusions: Either he’d buy a scoot Saturday morning, leave his wife and join Sons of Satan, or he’d lock the door to his office and never come out again. We haven’t heard from him since.

Let’s get to the news:

THE SEARCH FOR A DURFEE GIRDER–Yes, I’m looking for a Durfee Girder for the Sturgis West Coast Choppers project. I actually found one through Phil in Maine. Then I lost touch with Phil. Damn. If you know Phil or where I can find a Durfee Girder, let me know quick (bandit@bikernet.com).

EXCELSIOR-HENDERSON IS BACK–This release blasted onto my Panhead desk this morning: E-H invites you to visit with them during bike week in Daytona, which is rocking right now. The Road Crew is set at the parking lot on the east end of the Daytona International Speedway.

You can test ride a Super X or Deadwood 2000 model. Both models will be there in stock configuration and fully accessorized. Hey, and they’ve change the front fender and it will be available on some of the models.

A new model will be unofficially unveiled on site. This unnamed motorcycle has a completely new and different front suspension and front fender, not yet seen in the Excelsior-Henderson line.

For those of us who hate to see American ingenuity go to waste, it’s good to hear that the Hanlons are still slugging it out.

BRIAN BAILLIE LEAVES THE PLANET Brian was the marketing guru for S&S Cycles, and a most compassionate, hard-working brother. He dealt with everything and everyone involved in the industry to promote the tradition of the S&S name. He was a young man; he passed away a couple of days ago of a heart attack, while attending a basketball game. We’ll all miss Brian, the astute way he handled business, the gracious manner in which he took care of so many tasks. He was in a stressful position and mentioned the stress of the dealer show followed by Daytona Bike week recently. Just goes to show that you have only one life. Money is nothing compared to the precious minutes we have and lose never to recover. Ride forever, Brian.

HORSE MAGAZINE–I’ve kicked off a series about two bikers who live in Los Angeles on the pages of Horse Magazine. It’s horrible, what happens to these innocent sonsabitches. Watch for it.

SONNY BARGER– is selling his autobiography online, autographed. That’s the word but I’m not sure how you can get an autograph online. He’s the icon of the era, it’s about time someone let him tell his own story instead of all the hype we’ve heard for all these years. Check it out: http://sonnybarger.com/index2.html

WAYNE CURTIN JOINS HARLEY-DAVIDSON AS MANAGER OF GOVERNMENT AFFAIRS– As part of our ongoing efforts to position Harley-Davidson Motor Company to meet the challenges facing our business in the coming years, I am pleased to announce that Tim Hoelter has been named vice president, government affairs. Tim’s title change reflects the responsibilities he is assuming for leading Harley-Davidson’s legislative and political affairs efforts, particularly as they relate to our product lines and service offerings.

Tim joined Harley-Davidson in 1981, holding the position of vice president, general counsel and secretary for 15 years. In recent years he has been working closely with Washington to open overseas markets to our motorcycles, serving on the Department of Commerce’s Industry Sector Advisory Committee on Consumer Goods for Trade Policy Matters.

In connection with this organizational realignment, I am also pleased to announce that Wayne T. Curtin has joined Harley-Davidson Motor Company as manager, government affairs, reporting directly to Tim Hoelter. In this newly created position, Wayne will be responsible for helping plan and execute Harley’s domestic government affairs agenda, managing the Company’s PACs, assisting in gaining approval of Rider’s Edge in various states, and developing positive working relations with key allied groups including rider organizations and industry trade associations. Wayne comes to Harley-Davidson with an extensive background in motorcycle public affairs issues. He is a past trustee of the American Motorcyclist Association and former vice president, government relations of the Motorcycle Riders Foundation, Washington, D.C. He is a member of the subcommittee on motorcycles and mopeds of the Transportation Research Board and continues to serve on the management committee for the AMA’s political action committee. A graduate of the University of South Carolina, Wayne will complete his work towards a master’s degree in public administration while employed by Harley. He and his wife, Rosemary, have relocated to Milwaukee from Columbia, South Carolina.

Jeffrey L. Bleustein Chairman and CEO

MUTHUH’s RIDES– has fired up its Web site for all of ya that can’t get enough riding in real life. Or maybe your old lady won’t let ya go to the rally this year. Whatever your problem is, Muthuh (as in “he’s a real big Muthuh”), has a site that lets you get damned-near real-time travelogues on rides throughout the country. These trips are uploaded with journal and pictures each night when a ride is under way. This year he’s got planned trips to Daytona Beach, the Run For The Wall, Sturgis, and Biketoberfest, with a bunch of smaller overnighters and day trips mixed in between. All right, before ya get all righteous about it, the four major rides are gonna cost a mere coupla bucks, usually $4.95, but all the little ride journals are free and there’s a portion of all of the rides that goes to a charity YOU choose when ya sign up. Go check out www.muthuh.com for the skinny, or just sign up for the mailing list to hear about what Muthuh’s up to. The purpose of the rides are to have a little fun, adventure, let ya know which roads are particularly nice rides and see pictures from that day’s ride. As Muthuh says…”It’s not the destination, fool…It’s the RIDE!”

BEST SPAM AD OF THE WEEK–Treat yourself or loved ones to America’s finest hams or turkeys since l984. These are the best quality and best tasting honey glazed-spiral sliced ready to serve hams and turkey breasts available. Whole smoked and oven roasted turkeys also available. We ship to all 50 states to your door. The perfect meal or gift.

To order please call 1-888-828-9424 or 1-760-436-9202 Mon-Sat 10:00 a.m.-6:00 p.m. — Sun 10:00 a.m.-4:00 p.m. P.S.T.

MOTORCYCLE DAREDEVIL “SUPER JOE” REED HOSPITALIZED–in fair condition today after he was injured in a practice jump.

Witnesses said Reed, who previously has performed stunts with his 5-year-old son, was attempting a solo 30-foot jump Saturday night when his front tire hit the landing ramp too soon.

He had been scheduled to perform a series of jumps during the weekend at the Reserve hotel-casino.

Reed suffered several broken bones, said Reserve marketing director Michelle Shriver.

In July, Reed jumped his motorcycle 13 feet between ramps while blindfolded and accompanied by his 5-year-old son, “Super Joey,” who rode straddling the bike’s gasoline tank.

Spectators, including Joey’s friends from his day care center, chanted “Jo-ey! Jo-ey!”

TOP NINE SIGNS YOUR PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE IS UNDER-QUALIFIED

9. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.

8. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen’s character on “The West Wing.”

7. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is “That Bob Vila guy.”

6. Outstanding record as governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.

5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, “The state or the D.C. thingie?”

4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, “You wanna wrestle?”

3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.

2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, “I win!”

1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.

CAMPBELL WANTS POLICE TO BUY AMERICAN Colorado Senator Says Foreign-Made Motorcycles Just Aren’t Good Enough

Sen. Ben Nighthorse Campbell (R-Colo.) has launched a crusade to convince the Capitol Police to purchase more American-made motorcycles for its fleet.

Campbell raised the issue Tuesday at a hearing of the Senate Appropriations subcommittee on the legislative branch. Although he’s not a member of the subcommittee, the fiery Senator-a member of the full committee-made his presence felt quickly.

“These little foreign bikes, they break down and look like junk,” Campbell said, directing his stare at members of the Capitol Police Board as they waited to testify.

Campbell, who served as a sheriff’s deputy in Sacramento, Calif., in the early 1970s, is irked because he included language in last year’s legislative branch appropriations bill providing $103,000 for the Capitol Police to purchase new motorcycles and encouraging the department to purchase American-made bikes. Out of the current fleet of 46 motorcycles, just three are American.

At the hearing, Campbell-a motorcycle enthusiast whose family owns eight bikes-complained that the foreign cycles did not have the power to support lights or sirens. Therefore, they can’t be used to make traffic stops or to escort foreign delegations.

“I’m gonna rag it till we get rid of these pieces of junk,” Campbell declared. “They’re an eyesore. … Millions of people from around the world come here, and I don’t want our police laughed at.”

From A Band APART– I gotta tell you how grateful I am for Friday’s ride. It was fucking magic.

You guys were as gracious as the day is long. Of course, for lore-building purposes, I’ve embellished the evening’s events ever so slightly when I recount my adventure to friends-it now includes a beating where I kill a man, where we ride in pack formation and drive a cop off the road, etc.

I spoke to the boys at Smith and I’m wrapping my head around 1%ER. Best, Christian

RIP TRIBUTE Gentlemen: I just read the news, about the passing of The Ripper Roo from Berdoo. Definitely sad news, he will be missed, his adventures of the road, and his love of life. I got a feeling, he will be out there In The Wind, with all of us, as we travel to Sturgis, or just down the road to visit our Bros. Ride free forever, Mike Evo, Cohoes, New York

READ ABOUT THE GAS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last year on April 30,1999, a gas out was staged across Canada and the U.S. to bring the price of gas down, and it worked. It’s time to do something about it again. O

nly this time let’s make it for three days instead of just one. The so-called oil cartel decided to slow production to drive up gasoline prices. Let’s see how many CanadianAmerican people we can get to ban together for a three-day period in April, NOT TO BUY ANY GASOLINE, during those three days.

LET’S HAVE A GAS OUT. Do not buy any gasoline from APRIL 7, 2000 THROUGH APRIL 9, 2000. Buy what you need before the dates listed above, or after, but try not to buy any during the GAS OUT. If you want to help, just send this to everyone you know and ask them to do the same. We brought the prices down once before, and we can do it again. Come on North America, let’s stand together.

WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Even if you receive this 100 times, keep passing it around, this way you know everyone is being informed and no one will forget!

Hey ya’ll- I’m reading a book by Hermann Hesse called “Steppenwolf.” There’s a quote by Joseph Mileck in the introduction where he tries to sum up Hesse’s outlook on life in our times. It hit home with me and I wanted you to hear it…

“Spiritually and culturally, the twentieth century had always appeared most bleak to Hesse. Our era was for him one of moral depravity and intellectual mediocrity, of surface glitter, smug comfort, sham conventionality, and foolish optimism. It is a materialist age where science has become a religion and the final criterion of value is function. Man has lost his soul in this world of money, machines and distrust.

He has exchanged his spiritual peace for physical comfort. With his imagination stunted and his feelings stifled, he no longer appreciates beauty, nor is he capable of real artistic creation. All vital rapport with God and nature has been lost, reason has supplanted faith, and society has forgotten the individual.”

The man had vision, eh. -Tim

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

What three two-letter words denote “small”? “Is it in?”

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.

Why did O.J. Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA.

BIKER ANTI-DISCRIMINATION LEGISLATION ADVANCES IN ARIZONA– By a vote of 6-0 on February 3, 2000, the Senate Transportation Committee unanimously approved SB1475 to send Arizona’s biker anti-discrimination bill on to the Senate Commerce Committee, where the legislation passed by a vote of 6-1 the following week. SB1475, the Equal Access Anti-Discrimination bill sponsored by Senator Keith Bee, who was the keynote speaker at last year’s NCOM >Convention in Phoenix, is expected to be heard on the Senate Floor soon.

”We used the Biker Anti-Discrimination legislative packet from NCOM to determine the exact language that we needed here in Arizona, and we’ve picked up a lot of support in the legislature after adequately explaining our message,” said Roger ”Priest” Hurm, Chairman of the Board of the Modified Motorcycle Association (MMA) of Arizona, and member of the National Coalition of Motorcyclists (NCOM) Board of Directors.

”We’re not against dress codes, and we’re not trying to tell businesses how to manage themselves,” explains Priest. ”We’re just saying that you cannot refuse public services to a person just because they ride a motorcycle or look like a biker.” Actually, the state legislature has two pro-motorcycle bills up for consideration, thanks to the hard work of an Arizona motorcyclists’ lobby >team, comprised of a registered lobbyist from each of the state’s three motorcycle organizations (ABATE of Arizona, the MMA of Arizona, and the Arizona Confederation of Motorcycle Clubs).

SB1074 would dedicate $1 per registered motorcycle to the Motorcycle Safety Fund to be used specifically for safety education. The bill, sponsored by Senator Tom Smith, has passed unanimously out of both the Senate Transportation Committee and Appropriations Committee, and it too will soon be voted on by the full Senate.

”Our goal is to add to the fund in the future to help subsidize motorcycle training and make it more affordable for all,” said Priest. ”We’re gonna bring two new Arizona laws with us to Frisco,” he promised, in reference to the upcoming NCOM Convention in San Francisco in May. NATIONAL COALITION OF MOTORCYCLISTS (NCOM)

THIS IS A GREAT DEAL–NOW THAT I FOUND THE SITE. I TYPE LIKE A CHICKEN PLAYIN’ PIANO. WITH YOUR SITE I CAN POINT AN CLICK. I AM GLAD TO KNOW THERE IS A PLACE TO GO FOR THOSE OF WHO LIKE TO BUILD ‘EM OURSELVES. I AM STILL GOIN’ OVER THE SITE YOU HAVE, I’M NOT A NET NUT BUT THIS LOOKS GOOD. I WILL BE BACK WHEN I CAN TO ENJOY THE STORIES AN’ ALL. KEEP IT UP, BANDIT AN’ CREW. -TOM

CITIBANK FORCES GUN WITHDRAWAL– Financial giant no longer serves “businesses that deal in weapons.” A new corporate policy at Citibank, one of the largest corporate banks in the world, prohibits “maintaining accounts for businesses that deal in weapons,” according to a letter sent from the Las Vegas branch of Citibank to a local pistol club owner.

The letter, dated Feb. 7, said the Nevada Pistol Academy would be forbidden from doing business at the Citibank branch as of Thursday, Feb. 17. The “Notice of Account Closure” said the bank was closing the academy’s checking account and instructed account holders to refrain from making further deposits or writing checks on the account.

After the closing date, “any additional funds remaining in your account on the date of closure will be sent to you in the form of an official bank check,” the letter said.

Chris Lorenzo, director of the academy, said he received the bank’s letter “within 3 or 4 days of opening my account.” He told WorldNetDaily that no one at the bank informed him of Citibank’s policy when he opened his account.

When he called to ask about the cancellation, “they gave me the runaround,” he said. WorldNetDaily placed several calls to Citibank officials with no response.

The letter also stated, “If you have any questions regarding our decision to close your account, please contact our 24-hour customer service telephone number, 800-756-7047 or Text Tel/TTD 800-756-0382.”

FIVE REASONS WHY NEW YORK IS QUIET ON SUNDAYS

1. Jews are all visiting relatives on Long Island.

2. The Italians are putting flowers on graves.

3. The Irish are all sleeping off hangovers.

4. The Puerto Ricans can’t get their cars started.

5. The Poles think it is Tuesday >>

BLIPS FROM THE FACTORY–

Rusty Wallace and Robin Yount to Take Part in Daytona HOG Event NASCAR Winston Cup driver Rusty Wallace and baseball Hall of Famer Robin Yount will be in Daytona Beach to attend the Monday evening Harley Owners Group reception at the Ocean Center as well as a media event scheduled for the same day. Both celebs will take part in the welcome ceremony and meet HOG members at the reception.

TANDEM RIDING BAN Harley-Davidson and the United States Seek Repeal of Japan’s Tandem Riding Ban Harley-Davidson and the U.S. Government made a joint presentation to Japan’s Office of Trade and Investment Ombudsman (OTO) Market Access Council November 24, 1999 in Tokyo asking that Japan’s ban on motorcycle tandem riding on expressways be repealed. Expert witnesses argued that continuing the ban actually forced motorcyclists with passengers to use less safe routes of travel. According to a study conducted by Dynamic Research, Inc. (DRI), a safety research firm retained by Harley-Davidson, riding on motorways in Japan is 13 times safer than riding on ordinary roads and city streets, which have intersections, opposing traffic flows, poor visibility, and mixed vehicle usage. The study also showed that tandem riding actually increases a motorcycle’s stability at motorway speeds, and that motorcyclists who carry a passenger tend to drive more carefully than single riders.

FIRST BUELL BLAST OF THE LINE– The first Buell Blast motorcycle came off the line January 26, 2000 at Buell Motorcycle Co. in East Troy, WI. The first motorcycle went to Erik Buell, chairman and chief technical officer of Buell Motorcycle Co. The second Blast went to Jeff Bleustein, chairman and CEO, Harley-Davidson Motor Co. The third and fourth will be going to the Harley-Davidson Archives and the Trev Deeley museum in Canada. The fifth Blast motorcycle produced will be the first one sold.

MEMORIAL FUNDS ESTABLISHED FOR FALLEN DIRT TRACK RACERS– The motorcycle racing community lost two great people last season when Davey Camlin and Toby Jorgenson died as the result of injuries sustained in separate dirt track racing crashes. Contributions to the Davey Camlin Memorial Fund may be sent to Melissa Camlin at 1303 37th St., Rock Island, IL 61201. Cards and letters may be sent to the same address. Contributions to the Toby Jorgenson Memorial Fund may be sent in his name to the Mokelumne Federal Credit Union, P.O. Box 1717, Lodi, CA 95241. Cards and letters may be sent to the Jorgenson family at 5031 E. Palmer Ave., Stockton, CA 95125.

Nola Vander Meulen Once the object of affection of a Bikernet staffer was recently promoted to a manager position in H-D’s new Rental and Tours Department.

The staffer is still locked in the Pedro basement where he’s sentenced to serve his life tuning Cushmans and doing our laundry. We’ve promised the Factory that said individual will never embarrass Nola again.

SPORTSTER WINS CHAMPIONSHIP CUP SERIES– Dean Hagemann, amateur rider for Kegel Motorcycle Co. Race Team, won the Regional and National Championship titles while riding a Harley-Davidson Sportster motorcycle. This is the first time ever that a Harley-Davidson Sportster has won a Championship Cup Series in the Lightweight Sportsman and Lightweight Supersport Divisions in C.C.S history. The race took place at Blackhawk Farms Raceway in Rockton, IL on September 26th.

AROUND THE WORLD ON A SPORTSTER Andrzej Sochacki recently completed a round-the-world tour of 35 countries and four continents aboard a 1996 Harley-Davidson XL 883 Sportster. He took one year, three months and eight days to complete the journey, and put 56,000 km on the Sportster, which he named Adam. Sochacki, 52, claims to be the only world traveler to complete five around-the-world journeys aboard five different forms of transportation: automobile, airplane, sailboat, train and now, motorcycle.

ELECTRA GLIDE NEARS 400,000 MILES– Albert Vercruysse, 83, resident of Salem, Oregon, has recorded 396,000 miles on his 1988 Electra Glide-on the original Evolution engine. Albert attributes the accumulation of miles to coast-to-coast rides for MDA and to living in Salem, where the weather allows him to ride his bike on a daily basis. In order to keep his bike in top shape, Albert’s dealer performs all maintenance work on the motorcycle. Albert has been riding for about 22 years; his first riding experience occurred in 1977 at the age of 61. Since then he has owned four bikes, all Electra Glides (1980, 1982, 1984, and 1988).

USPS CONSIDERS A LINE OF STAMPS– The United States Postal Service Citizens’ Stamp Advisory Committee is considering the production and release of a series of Harley-Davidson motorcycle stamps in commemoration of Harley-Davidson’s 100th Anniversary in 2003. The committee is currently reviewing two separate Harley-Davidson stamp proposals and plans to make subject and design recommendations to the Postmaster General. If the series is approved, the Harley-Davidson stamps would be announced approximately six months prior to their official First Day of Issue release.

P.J. O’Rourke said– it was OK to go down for a reason but never for a cause. You have access to lots of folks. I would like to have you think about the shitbirds in China. They are getting our money and sending us crap, killing people whom they don’t like and giving us the finger as they read our nuke secrets. If every biker would just look for the little bitty label that says “Made in China” and put it down, it would make a difference. Hey, think about it. Wouldn’t you like to piss Clinton off and screw the Chinese? Almost forty years in some saddle and I can’t let it go. Sorry to hear about Rip. He was cool. Tim Gowder Oak Ridge, TN

POETRY CORNER–This is a small remnant of a massive poem about, well, you’ll get the drift…

ONE BY ONE THEY ARE BARTERED AWAY…. JOBS TO CHINA….TAIWAN….NORWAY; AMERICAN DREAMS ALONG WITH THEIR JOBS; SOLD TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER BY BEAUROCRATIC SLOBS….

CONGRESSMEN, PRESIDENTS, CEOS AND JUDGES…. BITTER & GREEDY AND ALL BEARING GRUDGES; HOPING TO FIND RICHES BEYOND EXPECTATION…. IN SELLING AMERICA….OUR ONCE GREAT PROUD NATION.

WHERE ARE THE GOOD GUYS….THE ONES IN WHITE HATS? WHERE ARE THE STATESMEN….PROUD AND EXACT? WHERE ARE THE COWBOYS THAT RODE THE GREAT PLAINS? WHERE ARE THE HEROES WHO NEVER COMPLAINED?

THE TALKING HEADS ON TV SETS…. HAVE BLINDED YOU AND I…. THE HOLLYWOOD GANG HAS PAINTED PICTURES TO BACK THEIR SINISTER LIES.

BUT, LET ME SAY THIS LOUD AND CLEAR FOR ALL THE WORLD TO HEAR…. WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH I GUARANTEE…. THEIR THUNDER YOU SHALL FEAR….

by George Fry

MORE ON RIP–Thanks for the word on Rip. I wish I could have had the privilege of meeting the man in person, but I will have his many stories from the road and many useful tips to remember him by. Thank you, Rip, and ride with the angels. You fought the good fight.

BAD NEWS CLIPS–In Guthrie, Okla, in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole, and hit his pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.

Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.

TRAILBLAZERS BANQUET– Circle Saturday night, March 25th on your calendar for the finest 21st Century Banquet. Sure, the real new millennium doesn’t begin until next year, but what the hell. The location is the same as last year, the Sequoia Club in Buena Park. The dinner tab is $35 each, if pre-paid. If you’re caught at the door it’s 40 bucks. The hour of charm kicks off at 6:00 p.m. with dinner served at 7:00.

If you’re arriving to bench race and drool on the motorcycles on display, they’ll be arriving from 3:00 on. This year’s theme is honoring BSA, along with some of those who made the brand famous, from riders to dealers. In addition to honoring the lads from Birmingham Small Arms fame, we’ll also be inducting our Hall of Fame nominees.

Please join us in kicking off the 21st Century in true world class style at our forthcoming Banquet. For info you can call (714) 962-7028.

OUTLAWS’ M/C SITE– Check out the Outlaws Motorcycle Club site. It’s well done and bad ass. www.outlawsmc.com/.

THE ULTIMATE INSURANCE– From Maxim magazine comes the ultimate insurance story written by Richard Baimbridge. Insurance company Goodfellow, Rebecca, Ingrams, Pearson comes a $1 million dollar policy against insurance abduction. “According to company spokesman Simon burgess, the London firm has sold more than 42,000 policies worldwide for $100 each, with 90 percent of the business coming from the U.S. The company also offers a full line of coverage for mundane concerns, like being stricken with impotence on Valentine’s Day. Recently 600 prostitutes took out policies insuring them against employment-threatening backache. ‘”We insure against any eventuality-we never turn down a risk,”‘ says Burgess.

“A St. Lawrence Agency, located in Florida, will insure you for $10 million against UFO abduction for a single lifetime premium of only $19.95… In 1991 an abduction claim for an individual in upstate New York was approved. ‘”He met all the requirements for proof,”‘ says president Mike St. Lawrence, ‘”including a possible implanted alien tracking device.”‘ The lucky abductee now receives one dollar a year for the next 10 million years.”

LAST SATURDAY–I rolled north along the coast to visit a restoration expert, Fred Lange. He was once noted for his Indian restorations, but has since turned his attentions to Harleys in their teens. Now get this. There are companies in Europe and the U.S. making reproduction gas tanks, seats, fenders and front ends for these bikes. I was after a set of flat track tanks, a seat, a fender blank and perhaps a headlight for a oldy-looking Shovelhead I’m building with Rick Fairless at Dallas Easyriders. Pricey stuff, but available. After a tour of his facility we rode down the coast for dinner with the famous crotchety restoration expert, Mike Egan in Santa Paula. If you need anything for old Harleys and have the big candy to pay for it call Mike (805) 933-1557.

On Sunday the sensual goddess of metal mayhem with the human form lit up the shed. Yvonne Mecalis, an extraordinary artist, and her husband came to the shed hanging off a San Pedro cliff and we hung out until Agent Zebra made a menace of himself pulling burnouts in the back yard on the Street Stalker so we cuffed him and escorted his scrawny ass to the airport-send him back to Miami where he’s working on a chopper with Billy at Choppers Ink. Then the race is on to Sturgis. Hang on.

Ride forever, Bandit

That’s right, Rip passed on to the great chromed-asphalt-strip in the sky February 18. He was the on-the-road reporter for Easyriders for 20 years. A member of the Diablos motorcycle club for some 30 years, they allowed him to retire to persue his journalistic career with the magazine so he could ride with any group. Rip fought a valiant battle against diabetes related cancer for over three years, which ended Friday morning. Rip died in his sleep while his family stood by.

In September, Rip was nominated to the Sturgis Motorcycle Hall of Fame. Just hours after his passing, his family received the call. Rip will be inducted Aug. 9, 2000 into the Sturgis Motorcycle Hall of Fame. “I’ll never forget how humble and proud he was to be included as even a nominee,” said a family member.

Rip’s family is having a small intimate funeral service. It was his wish that bikers who knew and enjoyed his work support Rip’s Bad Ride as a showing of respect for him. The 3rd Annual BAD (Bikers Against Diabetes) Ride will be held June 11, 2000 in Los Angeles. East Coast events are being planned now. Rip’s family hopes for a banner year in Rip’s memory. If you can’t make it, his family asks that remembrances be sent to the American Diabetes Association, Attn: Laurie Stevens, 6300 Wilshire Blvd., Suite 100, Los Angeles, CA 90048. Cards for Rip’s family can be sent to April Eberly, 1816 Capri Avenue, Mentone, CA 92359.

On With the News

I spent the weekend battling the Chicago snowstorms on my way to Indy for the 32nd annual Dealer Expo. The Indy Dealer Show is all about sharing info about new products and service for bikers of all sorts. One of the problems with the historic Indy extravaganza is that there are booths and displays throughout the various floors of this building, in the halls, back rooms, conference rooms and closets. If you’re a bike dealer/shop owner, you need to come with your fast-walking tennis shoes on to cover the expansive grounds. The Harley aftermarket is spread all over the goddamn place. But here are some highlights:

Saturday morning I finally caught a jet with the balls to fly out of snowbound Chicago to Indy and stumbled into the show in the early afternoon. Custom Chrome is now building a performance engine and we should have an article on it in the next couple of weeks. Their design is to build an affordable engine for the market. I found out during the day that Patrick Racing, who builds a line of performance engines, only builds 200 a year. They are pure billet aluminum and he’s currently building a very different looking 113-inch monster. These monsters are built entirely in America and if you have a Patrick mill in your scoot, you know it from the way it runs–to the looks. Patrick is now making a very sharp exhaust system to match. The most crucial aspect of tuning for performance is the exhaust, ’cause usually it’s fixed, making its element of the ignition/carburetion/exhaust formula impossible to tune. If you don’t choose the right exhaust, you’re fucked. I suppose I could have soft-pedaled that, but fuck it. For information on Patrick’s line of motors call him at (714) 554-Race. Oh, as a point of reference Patrick makes 200 mills a year, TP Engineering builds 1,500-2,000 and S&S builds 20,000 engines a year. That’s a rolling fireball of aftermarket power.

Hold on–AVON tyres is fabricating a 250 series tire. Before long we’ll be able to ride on water.

Here’s a hot one. Custom Cycle Engineering, the manufacturer of the hottest, most comfortable, coolest risers on the planet, has now come out with an equally chopperized starter motor switch. It bolts directly to the starter and looks as if it’s apart of it. This way you get an absolutely direct connection to the solenoid and there is no wiring, no remote starter button, no bad connections, and no smoked wires. Call ’em for info on their dogbone risers or this new starter switch, which I plan to buy for my Jesse James Chopper for the ride to Sturgis (keep it simple damnit!). Ask for Rick (800) 472-9253.

When it comes to down-home shit and wild apparel the company that seems to be rockin’ the world is Chrome Specialties owned by Custom Chrome, Inc. Hell, they even have the balls to carry the entire line of West Coast Choppers digs and a line of Prison Blues. When you buy Prison Blues threads, a donation goes to the prison system. For the dope on it, check out www.chromespecialties.com.

Have you ever seen big Mike Griffin play guitar? He is the biker-blues Jimmy Hendrix. He’s unbelievable. You can catch the big man if you’re puttin’ to Myrtle Beach this year, May 18,19, and 20th, at the 2001 nightclub. Don’t miss Big Mike live in concert. www.BigMikeGriffin.com.

In one of the massive showrooms the engineers of this rolling nighmare put most of the clone manufacturers. I spoke to Roger Borget who, with his ambitious wife at his side, can’t build enough bikes. If you’re familar with his low slung monsters, you’ll know what a genius this guy is, and what a unique bike he produces. He is now making short front end versions of his bikes and they look pure low, wide and bad. Roger is located in Phoenix. I also spoke to Nick, “The Knife,” the president of Big Dog. He just slurred his words and dared me to start one of his bikes and ride it around the stadium. Oscar, the president of Pure Steel, told me all about his arrangement with Penthouse magazine. Titan has the Playboy contract and now Oscar worked out a deal with Penthouse to make a line of clothing for the slinky magazine and a line of limited edition bikes for the upcoming anniversary of the magazine. Whereas Big Dog has the fine reputation of building the most reliable, best cared for custom, Pure Steel has the rep for building the most tightly designed, best detailed manufactured customs on the market. These bikes look like a custom in every sense of the word. Check Pure Steel at www.pure-steel.com, and I’ll bet Big Dog is at www.bigdog.com. You may see some Big Dogs on Bikernet before too long. If your interests lie in a fast, very fast, reliable custom, ride a 107-inch Big Dog. You won’t be disappointed.

Here’s a couple of companies to keep up on. Baker Drivetrain houses the young man who developed the first 6-speed transmission. This was Bert’s second year in Indy. The first was a year of fear and trepidation. He’s a young man with a new product coming to the mountain, but the response was phenomenal and he’s back this year with a resounding success story. Check him out at bakerdrivetrain.aol.com. Another source for performance clutches and go-fast parts for 20 years has always been the proven Rivera Engineering. Now an old buddy of the industry works with the main man Mel. Ben Kudon is there to see that you get what you want, when you want it. Check www.primoproducts.com.

All right, it’s time to get to the news, but first I’ll mention a couple more companies. First Victory motorcycles. If you want to watch a company grow, watch the Victory company. In fact I would like to see Victory sponsor the Victor McLaglen Motor Corp. We’ll be putting those two groups together shortly. I spoke to Harry Fisher about the motor corp yesterday. This group of riders has been around since 1937 entertaining crowds at bike event and in parades ever since. Harry became a member in 1962 and undoubtly they will be performing at the Love Ride in November. They are finally going to allow a coporate sponsor on board to see them into the new millenium. Hell, they’ll be at every major event in the country puttin’ around with some 22 team members on one bike in a world-record stunt. Perhaps we’ll see if a Victory can hold up under the pressure.

I met with Billy from Choppers Inc. in Melbourne, Florida. He and Jesse James are the new bucks in the chopper world and they love every minute of it. In fact Bikernet is working with these guys to build two rigids for the ride to Sturgis this year. Agent Zebra and I will fight from coast to coast for votes to see who has the coolest chop on the globe this August. You’ll see the whole tamale take place as my step-son Jesse James launches his grizzled old dad to the Badlands for the 13th time. It’ll be the ride of a lifetime. You can find the wildness of Bikernet East at www.choppersinc.com. We’ll be featuring one of Billy’s bike shortly, if I can sober up the Agent long enough to write the story.

Oh, I want to thank Ron Bender for the go-cart competition on Saturday night in Indy. Ron owns Bender Cycle somewhere in the Mideast. We had a helluva time competing with the Custom Chrome gang, the evil bastards of Mid USA, the panty pirates from Nempco, and the guys in white from Biker’s Choice. I’m still getting over the 40 mph bruises.

All right, all right, one final thought. If you just feel nasty, hungover, and pissed off, send the man responsible for many of the fine Custom Chrome designs, John Reed, an e-mail. He doesn’t like friends, the industry, or people in general. I’m not sure if his wife even talks to him. He’s the nastiest man on two wheels and he’s proud of it. He’s like a strong bloody mary after a long night at the bar. He’s like menudo after the dry heaves. He’s worse than agent Zebra even on a bad night. Write him, will ya, auga@ix.netcom.com. You won’t have to say much. It doesn’t matter. He won’t like it. Oh, he designed the entire Mirage line for CCI. Give ’em hell. Now the news:

Lessons To Be Learned In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest that Berrena was wearing.

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del. as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

BROTHERS LOOKOUT, THEY’RE INTRODUCING THE CADDYPAC What is a CaddyPac? It is the first and only golf bag specifically designed for players who love the freedom of riding and the game of golf.

This new bag has a sleek design, holds a full set of clubs, and has plenty of storage space for shoes, balls, and tees. So what’s so great about this bag you’re wondering? This is the first and only golf bag that can travel from home to the course on your motorcycle.

Their special design allows for full safety, mobility, and balance as you ride with the wind in your face to your favorite course. And once you arrive, the CaddyPac can stay right where it is-on your back-for those of you who like to walk the miles of fairways and greens. But for the rest of you, take the bag off your shoulder, lock it into place, load it on your cart and it’s tee time.

Want to learn more about the Caddypac? Visit their Web site www.caddypac.com and for wholesale ordering log onto www.caddypac.comwholesale.htm

PLUG FOR TROCK TOOLS Bandit, In your Tech Tips section dealing with cam installation, Wordman could have used The Trock tools: valve travel checker and cam end play tool, which is new by the way. They are very affordable and easy to use.

Hangover Recovery Method #3333331385605937 When I used to work at Glaxo-the big pharmaceutical company-it was widely known amongst the employees that our big ulcer drug, Zantac, when taken before and after a drinking session, would absolutely eliminate a hangover…been there and done it too many times not to deny it-and now it is over the counter in half-doses…just take two…..researchers found that out when the ulcer test subjects-mostly drinkers-reported it as the #1 side benefit-they all said, “Fuck the ulcer, gimme more to keep my hangovers to a minimum!

Muthuh

ZEBRA TO HEADQUARTERS…This is Zebra, come in America. Am marooned in Far East. Requesting helicopter extraction ASAP. Low on rations. Lower on money. No scoots except for strange Desepls and NiSaps. Where’s all the tit you promised me? You lying bastard. I come to South Korea to establish Bikernet Far East and this is what I get? Jesus, man, it’s 40 below zero over here! You said it would be warm, “balmy” was the word you used. You call frozen anti-freeze balmy?! A man needs mittens on his nutsack just to get over the Kahn Bridge and I haven’t even started for the DMZ. You can establish North Korea yourself. My sources in Seoul tell me those fuckers are eating each other up there, things are so bad. Cannibalism man!

For God’s sake, where’s that chopper? This is a real mess you’ve landed me in this time, you sorry cocksucker. Yeah, I got your photos. And I’ll be putting them up your ass if I can smuggle them out of this distant Mongol outpost. The people who developed my shots from the party last night told me I could be “shot for subversive material” and then closed their doors and locked me out. Swine! Nobody ever said anything about all these commie rules! You lied to me, you evil bastard.

You said it was free Korean pussy and cheap island whiskey. The women here fear me. They call me Dimsum, which means “too big for life,” I think. Anyway, they ain’t putting out and I’m taking the first junk out of port. And just in case you need verification of my position in South Korea, I’m switching this keyboard over to its native language to let you have a look for yourself. Imagine trying to ride a Daewoo scoot in this fuckin’ madman traffic with street signs that look like this: ?*?*?????=???????”???*?????*?????????*?*????! There, what do you think of that? That’s the Korean alphabet and you can stick up your lying ass.

Balmy, I’ll show you balmy when I get back to the States. Balmy will be when your dump shed is burning down around your lying ass, that’ll be balmy all right. Oh and by the way, ???????*??! *?**?*??! That’s Korean for “You swim with the fishes.”

Zebra, Bikernet.com Far EastSeoul, Korea02.21.00

HARLEY-DAVIDSON ANNOUNCES TWO-FOR-ONE STOCK SPLIT AND QUARTERLY DIVIDEND: The Board of Directors today announced that it approved a two-for-one split of Harley-Davidson’s stock effective for shareholders of record on March 22 and payable on April 7. The Board of Directors also approved a quarterly cash dividend of 4.5 cents per share for shareholders of record on March 15 and payable on March 27.

Let’s celebrate. The sun is shinning, the stock is up, it’s time to ride.

A STORY ABOUT GRANDMA BANDIT Ol’ grandma Bandit wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims, “I want to join your biker club.”

The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So they biker asks her, “You have a bike?”

The little old lady says, “Yeah, that’s my Harley over there” and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.

The biker asks her “Do you smoke?” The little old lady says

“Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I’m shooting pool.”

The biker is impressed and asks “Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?”

The little old lady says “No, I’ve never been picked up by the fuzz, but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times.”

H-D VR 1000 Superbike Team Tests New Components Milwaukee (Feb. 22, 2000), The Harley-Davidson VR 1000 Superbike Team tested several new components at Laguna Seca Raceway in Monterey, California, on Tuesday, February 15.

“The VR team continually designs, develops and tests new engine, chassis, suspension, electrical and drivetrain components,” said Team Manager Steve Scheibe. “We’ve had a busy off-season with an aggressive development schedule that enabled us to test several significant new parts before Daytona.”

The most visible of the new parts tested by the VR team at Laguna Seca was an all-new swingarm, which also required the modification of several key components, including the exhaust system, rear shock linkage, and bellypan. Riders Pascal Picotte and Scott Russell each tested VRs fitted with the new swingarm.

“We suspected we had a problem with the swingarm last season, which was particularly troublesome to Scott at certain tracks,” said Team Manager Steve Scheibe. “With his feedback, we redesigned the swingarm. Both riders reported improved handling with the new set up we tested last week.”

“The new setups we tested at Laguna were really, really good,” said Picotte. “The new swingarm and linkage improve traction and give better feedback.”

“I’m happy with the results of the test and happy with the new swingarm,” said Russell.

The Harley-Davidson VR 1000 Superbike Team will be testing today at Roebling Road Raceway in Savannah, Georgia.

WHY MEN ARE (JUSTIFIABLY) PROUD OF THEMSELVES

1. We know stuff about tanks

2. A 5-day trip requires only one suitcase

3. We can open all our own jars

4. We can go to the bathroom without a support group

5. We don’t have to learn to spell a new last name

6. We can leave a motel bed unmade

7. We can kill our own food

8. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness

9. Wedding plans take care of themselves

10. If someone forgets to invite us to something they can still be our friend

11. Underwear is $10 a three-pack

12. If you are 34 and single nobody notices

13. Everything on our face stays the original color

14. Three pair of shoes are more than enough

15. We don’t have to clean the house if the meter reader is coming

16. Car mechanics tell us the truth

17. We can sit quietly and watch a game with a friend for hours without thinking “He must be mad at me.”

18. Same work-more pay

19. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character

20. We can drop by and see a friend without having to bring a little gift

MICROSOFT AND HARLEY-DAVIDSON SET TO MERGE– The Board of Directors of the Microsoft Corporation, the world’s largest computer software provider, and the Harley-Davidson Motor Company, the world’s largest producer of V-Twin motorcycles [with push-rod engines, that go “Potato-Potato”], have voted to approve a merger that will create one of the world’s largest multi-national corporations.

“When you think about it, it only makes sense,” said Harley-Davidson Director of Communications Steve Piehl. “We both share the same fundamental design philosophies: Our products are large, antiquated, slow, full of bugs and break down at the most unexpected moments. We like to think of this natural marriage as synergy. Or syzygy. We’re not certain yet.”

Microsoft representatives declined to comment, pending a Justice Department review. However, incriminating e-mails will be available soon. There are rumors that senior executives see the merger as “One up the ass for that bastard Jobs.”

The new company will be known as Micro-Davidson and based neither in Redmond, Washington, nor Milwaukee, Wisconsin, but somewhere in between. Company representatives have been scouting sites along the Wyoming/South Dakota border. Instead of moving to an existing township, the cash-rich conglomerate plans to build its own. Micro-Davidson reps denied a rumor that they plan to petition Congress for statehood, but told Motorcycle on-line that buying a few counties is not out of the question. The Vatican City has expressed interest.

Currently in the works is an entirely new motorcycle model, the first from the new M-D. Named the MicroHog, the new cruiser will be powered by a brand new engine, the Twin Cam 95.1 – an air-cooled, push rod V-Twin containing an Intel Pentium III processor that will automatically load Internet Explorer 4.0 upon thumbing the starter button and overwrite all competing browsers while disabling most non-genuine Harley-Davidson parts.

Following Microsoft’s example, MicroHogs will not be owned outright by the purchaser, but rather licensed for personal use. Upgrades will be available, the price of which depends on the market. When upgraded, the bike will lose about 10mph off its top speed, unless you fit a new, much larger, gas tank.

HOG spokesman, Larry “Lardarse” McBigButt, said of the merger: “Y’all [incomprehensible] [distorted] [unprintable] [unintelligible], round heah, Boy!”

M-D’s software side will receive some pointers from the former Motor Company as well. “Instead of that soft, shrill squeak you hear when you boot your computer or open a new program, you will now hear a loud rumble and your keyboard will vibrate,” said Piehl. “And, of course, there will be a waiting list for the most popular programs.” It will now be possible to classify bugs as “character” and charge a premium for them. However, the moment you install your new software, you will be able to call in Screaming Eagle, who will fine tune it – by fitting an IMMENSE 300watt soundcard and BIG speakers.

You will have to work at your M-D workstation with your right leg cocked out at a ridiculous, child bearing angle, to clear the air intake for the CPU fan.

Fears have risen regarding the formation of the proposed high-low tech monolith. Software developers and aftermarket providers claim that the MicroHog’s design will not run competing programs or aftermarket accessories, effectively creating a monopoly in both personal computer operating systems and heavyweight cruiser motorcycles and accessories.

GREAT SITE We were recently in Florida serving food at festivals and different events. We had the opportunity to have as a patron at one of our festival sites, a biker from Ocala, FL. He and his lady enjoyed our food and asked us to cook for a bike run and 50th birthday bash for him. We did and I had a chance to meet some of the most patriotic Americans I have ever met in my 52 years on this planet!

Thanks, George Fry “Aunt Mamie’s BBQ” “Aunt Mamie’s Cajun Cuisine”

The Light Side Why don’t bunnies make noise when they make love? Because they have cotton balls.

Mom’s have Mother’s Day, Father’s have Father’s Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday

What does a 75-year-old woman have between her breasts? Her navel.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? “Are you sure it’s mine?”

Son of famed stuntman Evel Knievel– jumped a moving locomotive Wednesday in a 200-foot, ramp-to-ramp motorcycle stunt on live television.

An estimated 10,000 people gathered along the eastern Texas tracks to watch as Robbie Knievel took off on a motorcycle just before a Texas State Railroad locomotive plowed into the wooden ramp.

Knievel landed safely on the other side, then ran to the top of the ramp to wave to the crowd. “That was close,” he said, smiling and out of breath.

In a state that leads the nation in vehicle-railroad collisions, the stuntman offered several disclaimers before the jump. “Anybody out there that tries this is out of their mind,” the 37-year-old told the Palestine Herald-Press in Wednesday’s editions. Texas Railroad Commission Chairman Michael Williams asked Fox TV to show public-service announcements about train safety during the program because of fears the jump might trivialize the dangers. The agency says U.S. drivers are 40 times more likely to die in a collision with a train than in a crash with another vehicle.

“Robbie is a professional stuntman and this is not to suggest that anyone should try anything like this at home,” a Fox TV spokeswoman in Los Angeles, who declined to be identified, said Wednesday.

Dear Sirs, I would just like to write in and say how informative and interesting your site is. I especially like the tips on how to plant tulip bulbs in early spring. I would also say that you should write something about how to keep Girl Scouts from floating back to the surface when you bury them in the marshy soils of New Orleans. Yours, Martha Stewart

Kid Rock– nominated for Best New Artist and Best Hard Rock Performance, performed live at the 42nd annual Grammy Awards on Wednesday, February 23, and shared the spotlight with a Harley-Davidson motorcycle. After performing his nominated song, “Bawitdada,” and a cover of Grand Funk Railroad’s “We’re An American Band,” Kid Rock left the stage in style aboard a 2000 Harley-Davidson FLHTCUI Ultra Classic Electra Glide with sidecar; http://www.grammy.com/grammycam/549.html Note: While I’d like to say Kid Rock’s Harley sidecar was the talk of the Grammys, sadly, it was not. It was just too hard to top the outstanding performance by Jennifer Lopez.

BURNIN’ DAYLIGHT UPDATE #2: Week two of the making of “Burning Daylight, L.A.” is well under way in Los Angeles and as near as this reporter can tell, nobody has slept since the filming began almost fourteen days ago. As we spoke last week, Zebra was seriously injured when a woman blew a stop sign in an SUV and nailed him as he blasted north on Pacific Coast Highway. The SUV T-boned Zebra at roughly 50 miles an hour and threw him across the highway, where he was then struck again by a truck traveling in the other direction. The Streetstalker was wrapped up in a tow truck sling, its pieces swept into a sack and thrown on the back and dragged off to Bartel’s Harley-Davidson in Marina Del Rey. Zebra was taken by ambulance to the nearest hospital and X-rayed for cranial and neck injuries. He was later released with a fractured skull, a fractured elbow and a severe concussion and with orders to remain in bed for at least a week and to check back in with the doctors every day. Of course, Bandit immediately had a new scoot under the at-times incoherrent Zebra and the show went on. After a savage dose of straight jack Daniel’s, Zebra was feeling less like a busted mess and more like a biker again. Zebra also sustained a serious dent where his H&K .45 was rammed into his side sometime during the crash. A few hours after Zebra’s release from the emergency room, Bandit was arrested after a grudge race spawned by Zebra’s chiding during a drinking session at a biker bar in Long Beach. It seemed as if they’d gotten away with the mad run across the harbor, hitting speeds in exess of 120 miles an hour through town, but as they neared Bandit’s hilltop casa, a swarm of heavily armed San Pedro cops and Port Police descneded upon the entire cast and crew. Both ends of the street were quickly filled with nervous cops and sideways squad cars. There was initial talk of taking director, Marko, to jail as well, but with some fancy lying and a solid poker face, the Destroyer was able to keep himself out of the can with a warning for filming without permits. His expired Florida plates on his unregistered ’81 Vette, which he was using to keep up with the hopped-up scoots for filming, didn’t help matters. Bandit got popped for no insurance, expired plates, and a host of other violations, including drag racing, speeding, reckless endangerment, resisting arrest and threatening a police officer (“I’ll feed you your own nuts in your wife’s skull.”) Zebra managed to keep himself out of bracelets by slicing thorugh the oncoming roadblock and blowing off into the hills just as the net closed. Luckily Zebra got away clean and was able to make Bandit’s bail with the money from the nude photo shoot, which he and Bandit had loaned their motorccycles to do earlier in the day. Of course this leaves the lads short for the money to throw the party, but the accounting doesn’t seem to be bothering anyone as they charge ahead through the mud, the blood and the beer. I frankly don’t see them ever living long enough to finish the project, but we’ll keep you posted. Joseph Smithee, film correspondent at large, reporting for Bikernet.com Week Two, “Burnin’ Daylight, L.A.”

IN CLOSING– A storm blew through here last night, knocked all my shit off the deck, had me duckin’ for cover. In the rain Harry Fisher and I discussed the history and the future of the Victor McLaglen Motor Corp in an interview for Hot Rod Bikes magazine. I received a call from Indian, and I may be interviewing one of the new heads of that company. We’ll pry away at their direction and find out what’s going on. I also may be talking chopper lingo and shit with one of the founders of our wild era, Ed “Big Daddy” Roth.

It was good to see the industry smiling in Indy, good to crack a couple of ribs on the go-cart track, good to meet new people and see what’s up. Don’t forget to drop Rip’s family a card, e-mail that sonuvabitch John Reed, and ride like she’s finally waiting for you. When you’re finally at her side, treat her like she’s the only woman on earth.

Ride forever, Bandit

E-Mail Valerie

What’s up? Hell, I wish I knew. The sun decided to break out of theclouds, the Street Stalker is repaired, I’ve got parts being dipped inchrome for the Excelsior-Henderson, and I’m trying to fix the rubbing reartire on the Touring chopper, before I smoke the entire paint job, with thehelp of modified shocks from Works Performance.

You’ll notice we have a couple of construction sites going for S&Sand Daytec. More fiction should be up shortly. Finally this week should seethe Bartels’ Sportster Performance tech launched, and if the stars are inproper alignment, we’ll see “Snake’s Projector Room” come alive. That is,if the good Dr. Dewey is awake and functioning.

Ah, but there’s always something new at bikernet. Yes, the agentZebra has come up with an evil plot for the future. A competition betweenbikernet east and bikernet west. We are both building rigid choppers toride to Sturgis this year. On the way out and while we’re romping andstomping from one party to the next we will be collecting votes as to whichchop in the coolest. It might be which chop makes it, but I know mine willwith flying colors. Hell, I rode a Jesse James chop to the Badlands in ’97(see West Coast Choppers). You’ll be able to watch both bikes come togetherright hear on bikernet. Zebra’s is being built by Choppers Inc. inMelbourne, Florida. We’ve even got the girls involved. We’ll have a babehawking votes in the Badlands, one is here finding Mardi Gras beads to giveto voters, and Zebra is trying to steal parts from me as we speak. Shit,it’s only February, I don’t want to think about it.

Oh, and I promise to have Sam “Orwell” printed and on the streetsin a month, well, maybe six weeks. Listen, anyone want to buy my Excelsioror a ’46 Indian chief to help me out. That’s it, let’s get to the news.

Before we get to the meat of things, the following is an example ofhow this tight unit of creative heads works:

Bandit,We need to get a page on the homepage called “The GreatChopper Showdown”, with a sub reading, “Bandit and Zebra go tire to tire.”Inside there will be a Towle special showing you and I, on a stage,standing proudly next to our opposing, gleaming choppers. We should bothlook very defiant and proud. One side should read, “Bikernet.com West”,one “Bikernet.com East”. Then copy which I will write, will tell thebikers what’s going down and how to vote at Sturgis. See if you can getour whinny digital bitch to do this sometime before Sturgis.

Zebra

Dear ScumTowle, We’re having a contest to see who can buildthe “Baddest” chopper for Sturgis. We are going to have the bikers vote atSturgis. We need ballots. You are hereby ordered to cease with thesodomization of your niece and craft something which can be torn in themiddle, one end dropped into a ballet box, the other a heavenly keepsakewhich the biker can retain and rub against his balls on those cold lonelynights when the dope runs out and the demons come calling. Copy:(HEADER)BIKERNET CHOPPER SHOWDOWN VOTING TICKET(LEFT END) Slash along dotted line,put this end in the ballot box of the chopper of your choice. (RIGHT END)Keep this end to rub on your balls (tits) during the cold, lonely nightswhen your dope runs out and the demons come calling.

There also needs to be some sort of visual of Bandit and I standing nextto opposing, gleaming choppers. By the way, send my fuckin’ picture back tomy Miami (bikernet east) address toot sweet: I’m getting lots of staticfrom the old lady. Get cracking mo-fo.

P.S. I got chunks of guys like you in my shit.

Zebra

Now, that’s creative pussy-whipped genius at work. And now for the news:

IT’S LOVE BETWEEN FORMER COCA COLA PRESIDENT AND INDIAN–The board of directors of the Indian Motorcycle Company(R) announcedthe appointment of Henry Schimberg as the executive chairman of the IndianMotorcycle Company.

Schimberg, the recently retired president and CEO of Coca-ColaEnterprises Inc. (NYSE:CCE) — a Fortune 200 company and the world’slargest marketer, producer and distributor of beverages of The Coca-ColaCo. — is among the group of investors responsible for the rebirth of theIndian Motorcycle Company over the past year. Schimberg’s appointment wasannounced during a financial presentation at the Pierre Hotel in Manhattan.

“Henry Schimberg has had an exceptional career in the beverageindustry, building both companies and their brands,” said Indian MotorcycleCompany President Rey Sotelo in describing Schimberg’s role at Indian. “Welook forward to having Henry as a key leader and mentor of our managementteam.”

Schimberg said: “I feel success is determined by defining theoperational culture within a company and motivating its employees towardthe achievement of stated goals. I am looking to establish this consistencyof purpose with all departments and personnel at Indian.”

Schimberg returns to the boardroom and workplace after some sixweeks in retirement. A career-long veteran of the soft drink and bottlingindustry, Schimberg started his career as a driver-salesman for Royal CrownBottling Co. of Chicago. He rapidly advanced to management and executivepositions, and became president and COO of Johnston Coca-Cola BottlingGroup in 1982, a position he retained when it merged with Coca-ColaEnterprises. He was elected president and CEO in 1998.

UGLY JOKES–Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mom.

How do you know when you’re REALLY ugly? Dogs hump your leg with theireyes closed.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men’s restroom? Say, “Nicedick.”

How do you know you’re leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tellsyou, “Let’s just be friends.”

V-TWIN HOLDINGS ANNOUNCED– it has reached a definitiveagreement to acquire five Bikers Dream motorcycle superstores, rights to theBikers Dream license at 16 independent Bikers Dream dealerships, and theBikers-Dream.com web site from Bikers Dream, Inc.(Nasdaq: BIKR) in atransaction valued at approximately $3.5 million. V-Twin said theacquisition is a significant advance in its strategy to be the leading motorcycle portalfor consumers and dealers alike.V-Twin intends to build a nationwide motorcycling business that combinesa strong retail network with customer affinity groups, e-commerce, directmarketing and on-line business-to-business services for dealers.

BikersDream will become a cornerstone of V-Twin’s activities in the “heavy cruiser”category. Herm Rosenman, Chairman and CEO of Bikers Dream, Inc., will lendhis experience and expertise to the growing company by becoming a Directorof the Board of V-Twin. The transaction will be accounted for as an assetpurchase, is planned to close later this month, and is subject to closingadjustments.

Bikers Dream superstores sell and service high quality heavy cruisersincluding Ultra Motorcycles, other U.S.-manufactured ‘customs’ and pre-ownedHarley-Davidsons in Santa Ana, San Diego and Sacramento, California; Dallas,Texas; and Conover, North Carolina. In addition to these five owneddealerships, V-Twin is acquiring rights to the Bikers Dream brand name whichis licensed by 16 dealers in 14 states that operate under the “Bikers Dream”

For additional information visit V-Twin’s web site athttp://www.vtwin.net, or contact: Lisa LaMagna, LaMagna Communications,Inc.,lamagna@mindspring.com, 516-668-4979; or contact Richard Paone, President,V-Twin Holdings, richpaone@aol.com, 212-539-0768.

REFLECTIONS–Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. ThenI look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all oftheir hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out ofwork, and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It isbetter that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to beselfish & worry about my liver.” Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk.That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. Time is never wasted when you’rewasted all the time. Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack ofalcohol.Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that trulygives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls. When I read about theevils of drinking, I gave up reading. Life is a waste of time, time is awaste of life, so get wasted all of the time, and have the time of your life.

ZEBRA CALLING RED MOTHER Do you read, Red Mot(radio dropout)?R(radio dropout)other, this is Zebra, do yo(radio dropout)ead, over? Ifyou are receiving this transmission, all is well in The Republic ofGlamour. Have established a beach head in Miami Beach, South Beach to beexact. Resistance was light, after a brief firefight with local insurgentsI managed to plant the bikernet.com flag in firm soil- just add water,makes its own sauce.

A gay dress maker complained that he held a lease orsome such nonsense on the region I colonized, but I dispatched him with afirm boot in the ass. I last saw the buggered lout heading north, weeping.Casualties were light, but much ordinance was expended and it could takesome time to rebuild relations with the folks who underestimated the powerof my herbal teas- which I passed out on arrival.

Have made contact withBilly Lane at Choppers Inc., in Melbourne. Construction to begin on ElTorro Zebra at once. Lane says entire motorcycle frame will be hewn fromtightly spun virgin vagina hair. The jugs will be commie femur bored out to100 inches.

By the way, Lane is a savage dope fiend and we shouldpublicize this extensively. My sources tell me he mainlines China White byinjecting it directly into the eyeball with a rusty rake tine. He also hasan addiction to chrome cleaner vapors, which is very hush, hush.

Forhandle bars we’ve decided to use the horns from an old bucking bull friendof mine, Widowmaker. Need a gardener. Please send the Chinaman immediately.Pussy count here is high, repeat, pussy count is high. This beach istopless, mister- no surprises. You should arrange a journey to our eastmostoutpost ASAP. Don’t expect much writing for the first six to eight months.In fact, you’re lucky I’m writing at all, considering the quality ofsupermodel tail strolling around with their knockers out. Come to think ofit, why am I writing to you at all? Over and out.

Zebra, reporting fromThe Republic of Glamour, Bikernet.com/east

THREE COPORATE LESSON TO LIVE BY:Lesson Number One: A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. Asmall rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and donothing all day long?”

The crow answered: Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the groundbelow the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on therabbit and ate it. Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing,you must besitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two: A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull.”They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach thefirst branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, hereached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudlyperched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer,who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won’tkeep you there.

Lesson Number Three:A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the birdfroze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there,a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay therein the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dungwas actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soonbegan to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came toinvestigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under thepile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!The morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.

ROBBIE KNIEVEL PLANS TO LAUNCH HIS ALL OVER A MOVING TRAIN– Yesit’s true, the motorcycle daredevil will stand tall against a 1917 steamengine at Texas State Railroad State Historical Park during a prime timenational telecast on F. 23 on FOX. Yeah, he’s actually going for it. Jesus!

ILLITERATE? WRITE, TODAY, FOR HELP–

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, You’llnever go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals andsacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Dinner special -Turkey $2.25; Chicken or beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

BIKERS DREAM ANNOUNCES SOMETHING–Sales of new motorcycles from the company’s Ultra Motorcyclemanufacturing plant for January 2000 were up 51% over the comparable periodin 1999. This represents a 38% increase in the number of units shipped. Theincrease reflects increased demand for the company’s products, improvedcapacity and manufacturing efficiencies and the introduction of a new model.

This new model represents an industry first for an establishedmanufacturer, with its standard 113 cubic inch motor and 230 millimeterrear tire.

In connection with a lawsuit brought against Bikers Dream and twoformer members of its management by a former franchisee, verdicts wererecently rendered against the defendants. There are several post-trialmotions that are pending, including one seeking a new trial. Until thesemotions are decided by the court, no judgment will be entered against thedefendants. Rulings favorable to the company on these motions would result inpayment by the company of approximately $70,000, which it will not dispute.If the motions are not decided in favor of the company, it will appeal theremainder of the judgment, which may total approximately $600,000. Thecompany believes it has a sound basis for appeal, although no assurancescan be given.

BRIGHT-GUY AWARDS– In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewergrate to retrieve his car keys.

In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned out when he ran,” according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

ALTERNATORS FOR PANHEADS–The following is tech advise on runningan aftermarket alternator on a generator motor. They put out the juice likea thunderstorm over the rockies, but there are some obstacles includingboiling small displacement batteries. The alternator will do that with oneof the puny 5.5A batteries, like I used to run. The regulator overchargesthem. I went to a 12A (you can use a14A of the same series, too). I had to cobble up a wood & metal spacer toraise the battery in the oil tank since the overflow wouldn’t fit downinside. (The rest of the battery clears by about 1/4-inch on each side.)

Then I used a cheap, but dense, computer mouse pad to protect the sidesof the battery and built a spacer for the front. The spacer allows me to easilyremove the battery while holding it secure while I ride. To limit up anddown travel under the seat, I used wood and the mouse pad material to builda tapered spacer that fits perfectly without applying any unnecessarydown force on the battery.

Like I said, right now, the battery supportsystem is not pretty–kinda looks like a prototype setup–but it worksslicker than snot. And that alternator hasn’t given me a lick of trouble,either.

The above info came from a bikernet reader, who is working on a completetech on installing alternators to generator motors–watch for it.

ZEBRA GOES INSANE–AT LAST–Dullard, I can imagine how frightening it must be for you to consider thefact that I shall soon have a motorcycle, El Zebra Torro, constructed byChoppers Inc., which will be far superior to anything which you have everridden in both horsepower and flair. Which is no doubt why you are tryingto sabotage it out of the gate by requesting such laughable reductions suchas a 180 back tire rather than the 300 which I initially requested anddropping the engine size from a respectable 200 inches to a wheezing 98.

How I chortle at your weak attempts to outrun me on the way toSturgis. Even with your 3000 mile head start (I shall be blasting off fromthe Republic of Glamour Bikernet.com East Coast outpost in South Beach), Ishall still soundly demolish you by arriving well ahead of your sputteringtricycle, you abysmal dink.

I hope you know that you will bebuying everything in Sturgis this year as well and do try to constructsomething that won’t pale when ridden next to our east coast chopper.

Give Jesse James plenty of breathing room to build a motorcycle of classand keep your female notions to yourself until he is done. Then try not tobuck off. Jesse seems to favor big horsepower from what I can tell. Thegauntlet is thrown. We shall let the people decide.

At Sturgis weshall put both bikernet.com choppers on display. Whichever bike isselected as “Baddest” by popular vote, shall also belong to the victor ofbills. In short, the loser pays the other guy’s expenses for the entiretrip. Good luck, scourge, and I suggest you start saving your penniesnow. Zebra, The Republic of Glamour, bikernet.com east, Miami Beach

ARLEN NESS BACKS VICTORY–Arlen built and rode a Victory customto Sturgis last year. It had the styling of one of his luxury liners. He’salso building a line of accessories for the thundering V-Twin built byPolaris, famous for snow-mobiles. Arlen and his son Cory are now offeringthe Victory line out of their shop in San Leandro, California.

People think Arlen is some kind of uppity yuppie, but he’s beenbuilding choppers since he was a mailman. Don’t let the flash get in theway of meeting one hell of a guy, and my bro Cory. Just hard workin’ folkslovin’ what they do.

Finally, one more thing on Victory. You don’t need to catch a train forthe Pacific coast to purchase a Victory, but you know, if you bought onefrom Arlen, he could make it look like no other. The news is that Victorynow has 300 authorized dealers throughout 49 states and the company willbegin establishing dealers across Canada this year. Watch for ’em near you.

Thanks for the note back– still miss you not being in ER. But gofor it, man. How’s Chopper Orwell coming along can’t wait to buy a copy. I lovedOutlawJustice and Prize Possession were great, and your web site isgreat.

In fact, I think I may be able to find my next scoot in your classifieds. Rightnow I have a 74 sporty will be looking for a 90’s FXR or Dyna, bye for now.

As you would say–ride forever,Your Bro in the wind, Andy Plavny( Peechsteel@ aol.com)

IN CLOSING–I’ll wrap this up with a thought for the day. If youdo what you love, everything will fall into place. I recently went to ascreening of “Pitch Black”, a fast-paced sci-fi adventure movie. Afterwardsthe director talked to the audience and took questions. I was curious’cause of the film projects we’re involved with. He made a point ofmentioning that it took him six years before he was able to produce hisfirst movie. It probably took Arlen six years before he made enough coinbuilding bikes, to drop his day job at the Post office.

I’m fortunate enough to be able to do what I love every minute ofthe day which includes riding, writing and tinkering with bikes. Lifecouldn’t be better.

All the material above doesn’t flow from my big floppy ears, muchof it comes from readers, and I want ’em to know I appreciated every joke,tech tip, or comment. That is except for the sand-snorting wanna-be tied toa chair in a warehouse in the Port of Maimi, while Cuban drug lords torturehim, for trying to molest their daughters as they walk home from school. Ikeep praying for cement shoes for Agent Zebra.

Ah, but ya can’t have everything.–Ride forever.

Bandit

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