I can’t get into it here, it’s too terrifying. You can get a taste, if you’re a member of the Cantina, in last week’s Sunday Post. Bikers and sailors share common traits. Every sailor I’ve ever met modified his sailboat. There’s also the outlaw characteristic on the sea, with pirates like Bob Bitchin, the ex-publisher of Biker and Tattoo magazine, who is now responsible for a pirate mag called Latitudes and Attitudes. He recently threw in with the drug running, women kidnapping Cult of the Crows. His big brother, Al, is the founder, president and furor. Last weekend was my first harrowing experience with this crew of sinners and thieves. I can’t go into it now because it would take weeks to explain my predicament. I’ve got to get to Charlotte H-D for their charity ride, to Dallas to interview Bob Kay, check on the Shovelhead and then to Caribbean Cycles to pick up a chest full of 5-Balls. Hell, I’ve got to put the Buell back together and prepare for the run to the Badlands. But the sea is calling in a big way. The gauntlet has been tossed in the surf and I picked it up–big mistake. We better get to the news:

NEW CANTINA BABE–Everyday the girls in Bandit’s Cantina rotate. Each babe has her own shift just like the Broke Spoke Saloon in Sturgis. Bob T. turned us onto this babe. Although the shot is vintage, she’s as hot as they come. Join the Cantina for more leg, bikes and Bikernet bullshit.

NHTSA CALLS FOR MORE TRAINING– Motorcycle accident victims have unique and predictable injury patterns, which medical professions can be trained to treat correctly. This critical aspect of emergency care was underscored in the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration?s National Agenda for Motorcycle Safety, released in December 2000.

Ric Remz, a Motorcycle Safety Foundation certified instructor on faculty with the Motorcycle Association of New York State Inc. in cooperation with the New York City Fire Department’s Emergency Medical Service Command’s Bureau of Training, has produced a video detailing the correct methods for helmet removal.

Helmet Removal Training Video: A Guide to the Proper Removal of Helmets >From Accident Victims expands the classroom training module on primary and secondary assessment and stabilization for certified first responders, EMTs, paramedics, coaches, ski patrols, doctors and nurses. Although a relatively simple skill, the technique requires specific training and practice. It is not meant for well-meaning good Samaritans; an error can result in spinal cord damage.

Step-by-step demonstrations are made with both open and full face helmets, for motorcycling and sports enthusiasts. The standard full helmet is differentiated from newer types with flip-up chin bars. While helmets are worn for different activities, their purpose?and the removal techniques?are the same.

All information is public domain. However, the video is copyright and may not be reproduced without written permission of M.A.N.Y.S. Inc. Please state professional credentials when ordering. $35, add $5 S/H.

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLOND GENIES– A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he’s in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. The Klansmen walk off.

As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it’s the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other one “Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But to be hung like a black man is beyond me!”

BIG DOG WINS FORBES WEB AWARD–

Big Dog Motorcycles is proud to announce that Forbes.com has awarded Big Dog with their annual “Best of the Web” award. Picked by the editors at Forbes.com – a leading Internet media company and one of the world?s most trusted business news sources – Big Dog Motorcycles’ Web site was chosen as one of the best motorcycle sites on the web. Forbes.com used criteria such as content and ease of navigation to determine the winning sites and also included additional comments about each link.

The interactive site features the complete 2001 line of motorcycles, an exhaustive list of specifications and a complete online apparel and accessory ordering section. In addition, web visitors are able to view an extensive inventory of available bikes and find their nearest dealer. Big Dog has continually updated and improved the site with additional content and new products. Big Dog has also added features like QuickTime movies that highlight the 2001 line of bikes and a downloadable owner?s manual.

The website receives on average over 2 million hits per month. It was developed by Ken Blankinship of HG Design in Wichita, Kan., in conjunction with Big Dog Motorcycles.

WRONG HOUSE–Carlos calls his boss in the morning:Ey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I gotheadache, stomachache, my legs hurt. I no come work.

The boss says:You know, Carlos, I really need you today. When I feel likethis, I go to my wife and tell her to give me a blowjob.That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. Youshould try that.

2 hours later Carlos calls:Boss, I did what you say and I feel great, I be at worksoon. And by the way, you got nice house.

OUTLAWS MOTORCYCLE CLUB TO SUE– Norwegian Gov’t. Members of outlaw motorcycle clubs from the United States and Europe are planning to sue the Norwegian govenment for being refused entry into the country to attend a motorcycle event in ?vre Eiker, Norway last July.

According to a report by the Drammens Tidende newspaper, the police acted under the authority of new regulations in the aliens’ act that allows them to deport undesirables “out of consideration for the national security.” When eighteen members of the Outlaws club landed at Gardermoen airport, they were met by the police and then deported.

Officials in Norway’s Department of Justice did not overturn the actions upon appeal, fearing that it would invite more “undesirable” motorcycle club events in Norway.

ONE OF THE SCARIEST MOMENTS EVER SEEN–By Dale Nungesser/Rocky Mann Update. Good Morning from Bandimere Speedway. It was one of the scariest moments most had ever seen,when JIMS Top Fuel Champion Dale Nungesser(Chromatic Racing) and Rocky Mann (AlleyThunder Racing) collided at the top end sending both into the wall. Both were transported via EMT to Denver’s St.Anthony’s hospital.

We spoke with Diane Nungesser, Dale’s wife, moments agoand gathered the following report. Dale underwent surgery last night for a ruptured spleen, which was removed. He hassevere injuries to his right hand, which was also operated on overnight to insert pins. He has a couple of puncture wounds and majorabrasions, especially to the shoulder area.

He has a punctured lung and broken ribs. Diane reportsthat Dale has been heavily sedated, but responds well. “He does everything I tell him too, she said this morning. He nodded his head and opened his eyes to acknowledgehis parents who arrived this morning. “The doctors say he is very lucky to be alive. They expect him to fullyrecover, although he has a long process ahead. His vitals are good and his heart is in good shape.

We were unable to reach Linda Man this morning, butDiane was able to share news with us regardng Rocky’s condition. Rocky suffered trauma to both knees and is currentlyin surgery to repair damage to kneecaps. Rocky also suffered broken fingers, on both hands, which will also requiresurgery. He is also reported to have a broken ankle, along with various abrasions.

Both riders were alert when arriving at St. Anthony’sand were placed in side by side trauma units where each made recounts of the incident. Rocky Mann says he remembersdrifting over, knowing that he was going to get the cone and was praying that Dale was far enough behind him. Thatwasn’t the case, as Dale was only seconds behind. Rocky says his next memory, is being awakened by the EMT’s. Dale, alsoalert asked what his time was, and the condition of the bike.

The accident occurred during the final round ofqualifying. Larry “Spiderman” McBride was announcing in the tower during the run.

NEW PRODUCTION KNUCKLE–Here’s a shot of the new production Knuckles. We are currently working on a full report from Rogue in Melbourne, Florida. You’ll see the stats first here on Bikernet.

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WILD WEST RESPONDS, “YOU MISQUOTED– John Covington or John Covington misspoke. Wehave hardly gone under. Actually, we are doing very well. We’ve expandedour dealer base to 14 dealers. We have doubled sales every year since 1998.We are profitable. We have a back log of orders through August. Everythingwe build is pre-sold. We have a waiting list of dealers to get on boardwith us. We’ve chosen a steady growth plan that might not make hugeheadlines, but will keep us around for the long haul. The demand for ourproduct has been unbelievable (especially when you consider we have only hadone paid ad and one press release in the last 4 years).

We will continue topump our resources into R&D and will eventually turn on the marketingfaucet as well (R&D always comes first for a company that is owned and runby a mechanical engineer). We do our best to stay out of the press for now,because the interest it generates overwhelms our small staff. (We don’t haveany dedicated sales people.) When our growth dips below 100 percent per year, we’lldo the marketing/sales thing, but until then the bike sells itself and ourcurrent growth curve is about all we care to handle now.

However, telling people that we are out of business is obviously not goodfor us. We are very much alive and thriving. Please make a correction onyour Web site.”

Thank you!
(Great Web site, by the way.)

–Paul Seiter
Wild West Motor Company
paul@wildwestmc.com

Blame it on me, she always does.

THE AIM/NCOM MOTORCYCLE E-NEWS SERVICE– is brought to you by Aid to Injured Motorcyclists (AIM) and the National Coalition of Motorcyclists (NCOM), and is sponsored by the law offices of Richard M. Lester. For more information, call us at (800) ON-A-BIKE. Visit us on our Web site at < HREF=”http://www.aimncom.com/”>http://www.AIMNCOM.com/>

NCOM CONVENTION REPORT: This was the 16th Annual. As we all know,the National Coalition of Motorcyclists and Aid to Injured Motorcyclistsprograms are supported by AIM attorneys returning a big chunk of their fees earned in injury cases to the motorcycling community, without added costto the client. The money comes out of the attorneys’ own pockets. Our> attorneys all over North America ride. You get to talk to them free at 1-800-ON-A-BIKE or go to www.on-a-bike.com.

This year we were in Orlando, but there was nothing Mickey Mouseabout it. Too much to list it all here, but here’s some: We had seminars forall walks of motorcycle life and even a minority biker caucus and a women’s seminar. My wife attended that one, and told me she would not missanother convention because she learned she is really an important part of thebiker world.

There was a mock legislative session done by the NCOM LegislativeTask Force (Oregon’s Butch Harbaugh Chairs the LTF) that illustrated whathappens in state and federal legislatures and how different bills are handled. By the way, our mock helmet bill lost its mock fight there.

SLIDIN’ DOWN THE ROAD: A biker named Slider Gilmore, an EMT whotrains other EMTs, did a whale of a seminar at NCOM on the “GOLDEN HOUR” afteran accident. We found that what happens in the first 10 minutes after an accident could make the difference of whether or not a victim survivesthe trauma of a wreck. It made me and a lot of others realize how important first aid and CPR training is to riders.

NEXT YEAR, the 17th NCOM Convention will be held in New Orleans,right across from the French Quarter. Don’t miss it if you value the right to ride. I’ll be there if I have to crawl.

CHICAGO: Officer Maurice Burks’ radar gun registered a bike at 160mph. He couldn’t believe it. But the gun was working right. Burks stopped Daemond Rogan, 32, and cited him for speeding in a 40 mph zone. Burkschased Rogan along Chicago’s Lake Shore Drive but couldn’t catch him. A roadblock got him.

The cops contacted a Honda shop to find out if the 1999 CBR 600F4model Rogan was riding was really that fast. Police said they were told the top speed for that bike is 165 mph. Officers in the radar unit over 20years say this is the fastest speed they can recall.

Rogan was also cited for running a red light and weaving. When you’regoing that fast on city streets without running someone down, ya better beweavin. WOW! That’s scootin!

BIKER BOOK SNITCH: Well this fellow Jim Redden here in Portland has written one cracker-jack book about just how far the government will go(and that’s TOO far) in his new paperback, “SNITCH CULTURE: How Citizens are Turned Into the Eyes and Ears of the State.” It’s published by FeralHouse, and you can find it in your bookstore, or online at www.feralhouse.com.

VR 1000 SUPERBIKE TEAM TAKES LEARNINGS FROM ROAD AMERICA TO LOUDON–Picotte Happy with Chassis Changes; Smith Takes Set-Up to Next Level. Home field held no advantage forthe Harley-Davidson VR 1000 team this weekend when the AMA Superbike tourmade a doubleheader appearance at Wisconsin’s Road America, the longestcourse onthe circuit. However, the team is confident the development efforts theytested this weekend will improve their chances going forward.

“On Saturday our results reflected the fact that Road America is ahorsepower track and we need more,” said Harley-Davidson’s Director ofRacing John Baker. “We just experienced some bad luck on Sunday in the rainyconditions.”

Mike Smith and Pascal Picotte finished 14th and 15th respectively in dryconditions on Saturday. Smith finished 17th in the rain on Sunday, whilePicotte did not finish after crashing out of turn 13 on the first lap.

“I was going around Nicky [Hayden] and just high-sided in turn 13,” saidPicotte. “There was just no grip at all.” Picotte was sore from his crash,but said he’d be ready for Loudon. “We’re still down on power, but ourchassis is better. The gap should be closer there.”

Harley-Davidson’s highlight of the weekend was the eighth place finish onSunday by Austin-Bleu Bayou H-D privateer rider Jordan Szoke.

The Harley-Davidson VR 1000 team will compete again June 15-17, when the AMASuperbike tour heads to New Hampshire International Raceway in Loudon.

STICKY REPORT–New Bikernet stickers are being produced as we speak. Here’s a report from Hawaii: “Bandit, stickers are being cut as I write this, will take in for shipping on Friday.”

–Chris

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Then came this news flash: the ultimate women’s car. Notice that it doesn’t have turn signals. They don’t use ’em anyway–too busy on the phone. Better get to the news before I get in more trouble.

HOT ROD BIKES MAGAZINE– Just read the thing on Dennis Manning. Really great article. Mr. Dennis told me about the H.O.G. thing in Cinc’y when I was there in March for the dealer show. Trock says he can see air flow.

To me?Dennis really seemed down to earth,?very easy to talk to. He really is into his thing with Bonneville. You know when you talk to him it’s his life. He is lucky that he has been able to pursue his dream.

When I worked for Romeo Palamides in the mid ’80s, we talked about his racing days every now and then.?Once you got him talking about the old times, it was like going back and reading all the old Hot Rod magazines you read when you were a kid. He would get all hyped up, man. It was very cool.

I consider myself fortunate just to have known him, let alone to have worked and learned from him. Some of the stuff he showed me?were things I saw in those old magazines. It was just cool to be actually doing it for real.

Anyway, that’s all. Just wanted to let you know?I really enjoyed reading those articles?you did on Warner, Wink and Dennis.

–Keep it going, Paul

Thanks Paul, watch for the interview with Jim Hunter, one of the oldest Boozefighters in the world and a historic racer. In his time he was the fastest on the planet. Next week I will interview Don Vesco, the legend of Bonneville racing, but not a Harley guy. I’m looking forward to meeting him.

BIG DOG OPENS BIGGER DOORS– Motorcyle aficionados from across the region gathered in Whichita, Kan., on May 12 to get a first-hand look at Big Dog’s new facility and celebrate its grand opening. An estimated 5,000 people attended the open house.

Designed for everyone in mind, the open house gave visitors an inside look into the workings of one of America’s premier motorcycle manufacturers. Tours featured the factory production line, Big Dog’s paint facility and parts department. Not to be missed was the showroom designed to appeal to a wide range of enthusiasts. If you’re ever cruising through Wichita, don’t hesitate to stop in. Nick, the president, isn’t doing anything, ask him to give you a tour.

BOB ILLINGWORTH– former president of the MMRA (Minnesota Motorcycle RidersAssociation) and former Hamster, has taken on a new venture with his move toSturgis, S.D. He has taken up the position of president and acting director ofthe Sturgis Motorcycle Museum & Hall of Fame.

The official opening is June 1.Rally hours are 8 a.m to 8 p.m. It’s located on Main Street in Sturgis by thePyramid Beer Gardens. Check it out if you go to bike week. They arehaving a big raffle on August 11 at 3 p.m., need not be present to win. For$10 you’ll have a chance to win a 2001 H-D Dyna Wide Glide, a Corbin ’51Merc Couch and a Peter Fonda Henry 45 Rifle donated by Peter Fonda himself.

To find out more and/or order tickets online, go towww.sturgismotorcyclemuseum.org ?or click on this link Sturgis MotorcycleMuseum . ?

SPEAKING OF STURGIS–They will have a hall of fame induction breakfast on August 8; $15 perticket, reserve ahead. ?The inductees are Gov. William Janklow, South Dakota, U.S.Sen. Ben Nighthorse Campbell, Colorado, State Sen. Jim Putnam, South Dakato, JimBetlach from Minneapois Easyriders Corp., David Perewitz, Cycle Fab in MA.,Frank Ernst, Abate of Minnesota, Neil Hutlman, Jackpine Gypsies MC, Eddie Miller andFamily, Jackpine Gypsies, Penny Walker, Montana, Tom Rudd, Kuryakyn Corp., WoodyCarson, Antique MC of America, Genevieve Schmitt, Woman Rider Mag, IndianJeff, Washington. ?Limited seating, full tables available, call (605) 347-0849 forreservations. Breakfast will be at Historic Fort Meade, South Dakota, Fort MeadeRecreation Center at 9 a.m. sharp.

–Patty

JOHN COVINGTON OF SURGICAL-STEEDS–in Phoenix, Ariz., took the time out this week to give us a rundown on the manufactured custom market after we mentioned that the clone market might be slowing. Get some real insight into the market, check out the interview on Bikernet here.

Here are a couple of bikes from the Surgical-Steeds line. Oh, by the way, this is the first of more special reports to come. Check the home page.

FUELING LAW–Gov. John Kitzhaber?signed in to law HB 3885, which gives Oregon’s motorcyclists the choice of fueling their own bikes. Motorcyclists will be the only class of vehicle allowed to actually dispense fuel into their tanks. This bill passed with very few opposed in both the House and Senate. Lawmakers agreed with BikePAC and Oregon’s motorcyclists that the special fueling requirements of?various bikes made the rider the expert at fuel dispensing. This bill also removes a liability for gas station owners who permitted the common sense practice of allowing bikers to fuel their own.

In accordance with ORS 171.022, “Except as otherwise provided in the Act, an Act of the Legislative Assembly takes effect on January 1 of the year after passage of the Act.” So starting Jan. 1, 2002, this law will be in effect.

–David Hickerson

INSURANCE ADVOCATES SLAM EDUCATION AS RISKY–At a time when state motorcyclists’ rightsorganizations (SMROs) are in the midst of lobbying Washington to advancesafety training for motorists and motorcyclists, the nation’s leadinginsuranceassociation promoting its version of “highway safety” is telling Congressand the president, “Why bother?”

The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety, in a special report issued May19, attacks the value of motorist and motorcyclist training and education.That special report is in the hands of Washington policy makers now — thevery time when motorcyclists are lobbying for a resource injection to helpstate-run rider training and a national program of motorist awareness ofmotorcycles.

“Education can be risky,” IIHS warns. “An education, persuasion ortrainingprogram might make things worse, either by increasing exposure,engendering overconfidence or somehow rewarding risky behavior.”

There is no question that this attack on education is in direct response tothetraining component of the joint MRF-SMRO legislative agenda that has foundsupport in both the White House and the Congress.There is also no question that you and motorcyclists nationwide mustcounter this attack on one of our bedrock principles.

For a copy of this special report, go to andclick on ?Status Reports Online.?

–Rogue

LITTLE JOHNNIE– was very lustful for a girl living in his neighborhood. He invited her to dinner and she accepted. After dinner, he drove to a little mountain about 5 miles away from the city and told her: “I want you right here and now. Do it or get out and go home!” Without saying a word, she got out and walked home.

A few weeks later, after a lot of apologizing, he invited her again, and she agreed. Later, he drove to another mountain about 10 miles away. Same question, same answer: The girl got out of the car and walked home.

Another few weeks later, after sending flowers and candies and even more apologizing, Johnnie gave it another try. The girl accepted once again. This time, Johnny wanted to make it sure, so he drove 50 miles away.

Once again he said: “I want you now. Do it or get out and walk home!” Without saying a word, the girl undressed and the two had the greatest sex in Johnnie’s whole life.

Afterwards, when the two of them were dressed again and drove home, Johnnie asked her why she had walked home the first two times, as she had obviously enjoyed it very much.

The girl answered: “Well, I will gladly walk 5 and even 10 miles to save a good friend from gonorrhea, but 50 miles is just too much to ask.”

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Take a look at the WCC, and the car behind !

BIKERNET CARIBBEAN REPORT–One of those times when everything happens, I mean everything, at the sametime. Sturgis, shop, bikes to be built, rides and shows. One day turns intothe next one and we don’t even notice, just the deadlines. The West Coastbike is done, first mock up, just some little details and it’s heading toour paint room.One customer saw the bare metal and primer, liked it, gone. It’s good butalso adds pressure. To top it, most of the summer bike events and rideswill happen this month, before hurricane season starts. Oh well , lets getto the news.

The HOG ride last Sunday brought 283 bikers, they slept over in theSouthern town of Ponce. I hear some antics went on in the quiet townplaza, burnouts galore, no helmets and noise, lots ofnoise……Tsk,tsk….I thought HOGs were all proper and well to do…..They rode up into the mountains to an Indian ceremonial park and then keptriding south for lunch.

June 24 is the 6th Jack Daniels BBQ contest, Caribbean Custom Cycles is apart sponsor of this event, there will be a bike show and booth displayingour latest bikes (hope I will have the WCC for then). We are trying to getsome “experts” from the U.S. to show up…..Hey Bandit, are you up to it?Anyway I will try to shoot everything and post it here.

Next Sunday is the Dia del Motociclista, motorcycle day at the racetrack,bikes of all brands show up to drag against each other and have a goodtime, also an impromptu bike show goes on.

Stanley’s, another local bar/ club, is going to have a biker night withprizes such as pipes and neon spark wires and special deals if you show up ona V-Twin. Caribbean Custom Cycles is the co-sponsor in this venture. Threedoor prizes will be awarded every night.

**** Special Report**** Seems like there is a wave of 5-ball kidnappingsfrom the bars in the San Juan area. All the bar owners are furious. “Justthe 5 ball is missing,” said Juan. “I bet it’s these fuckin’ rice rocketriders….”

Bandit will get a shipment of 5 balls for his trophy building venture inthe next few days, although the mailman bitched about the box being a bit”hot.”

Just received a set of Accutronix raked triple trees, they are TRICK! Sevendegree rake in 41mm wide glide, soon to come 4 degree in 39 mm wide glidefor Sportsters, these are killer trees.

Well let’s get back to my dungeon and work on the bikes, gotta coupleweeks, that’s it…….. Jose

Mums the word–Bandit

NEW GUN LAWS–H.R. 138 (Nadler): This bill would require virtually all handgun purchasersfrom any seller to obtain a state handgun license (and to have completed acourse and passed an exam) — and would require purchasers to wait for acheck on whether or not the license had been revoked. After two years, acurrent handgun owner would be required to have a license in order to keephis handgun.

JIMS GIVES AWAY NEW TWIN-CAM STROKER KIT–Don’t miss it. A chance to pick up 20 more horses for your Twin Cam just by clicking and filling out the application. Go for it.http://www.jimsusa.com/give-a-way/give-a-way.html

IT WAS GETTING CROWDED IN HEAVEN– so God decided to change theadmittance policy. The new law was: in order to get into Heaven, you hadto have a really bummer day on the day that you died. The policy would gointo effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01, the first person came to thegates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy,promptly asked the man, “Before I let you in, I need you to tell me howyour day was going when you died.”

“No problem” the man said. “I came home to my 25th floorapartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But herlover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wifewas half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balconyand noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on hisfingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn’t you know it, he landed insome trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn’t die. This ticked meoff even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I couldget my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thoughtof was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony andflipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack anddied instantly.”

The angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have abad day – it was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces, “OK sir.Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and lets him in. A few seconds laterthe next guy comes up. To the Angel’s surprise it was Vernon Jordan.”Mr. Jordan, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your daywas like when you died.

Jordan said, “No problem. But you’re not going tobelieve this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my dailyexercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushinghard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped,and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myselfby the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden thiscrazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stompson my fingers. Well, of course, I fell. I hit some trees and bushes atthe bottom which broke my fall so I didn’t die right away. As I’m layingthere, face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, Isee this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It fallsthe 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.”

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Jordan finishes his story. Icould get used to this new policy, he thinks to himself. “Very well,” theAngel announces “welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and he lets Jordanenter.

A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate.The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination andwar poured through the Angel’s head. Finally he said, “Mr. President,please tell me what it was like the day you died.”

Clinton says, “OK, picture this. I’m sitting inside a refrigerator,naked, minding my own business….”

ANOTHER DEAL OF THE WEEK–Laminated fiberglass custom hand made saddle bag and fender set withmatching air dam. Front fender is 6 inches wide O.D.; rear fender is 7 inches wideO.D.; the saddle bags are extra wide, measuring 8 inches I.D. The saddle bagsand the rear fender have built-in 1939 Ford tear drop taillights. This istruly the deal if you want a unique motorcycle. I have seen this setup sellfor over $2,500. SPECIAL $1,000. Contact: rogue@bikerrogue or visitweb site www.bikerrogue.com

SINGAPORE’S WORST JOB: WANKING ELEPHANTS–By Kway Png,

Last week, the Singapore Zoological Gardens announced that they were settingup a bank containing sperm samples of all the wildlife under theirsupervision. At the same time, zoo sperm bank worker Mohd. Binatang binGoncang won a competition for “Worst Job in Singapore.”Wildlife Reserves Singapore (WRS), which runs the Singapore Zoo, the JurongBird Park and the Night Safari, has set up a bank of sperm and animal tissuein order to help preserve species. And It is Mr. Binatang’s job to collectthe sperm.

“Teruk, sial,” said Mr. Binatang as we followed him on his rounds at 4 a.m.in the morning. “We start so early in the morning because a lot of theanimals have a ‘morning glory’ when they wake up, and it’s easier to collectthe sperm then.”

Wearing rubber gloves and carrying a cooler box filled with ice andTupperware, Mr. Binatang, 25, told us that he’d just graduated fromSingapore Polytechnic with a diploma in life sciences. He liked nature andanimals, and thought that the Singapore Zoo would be the perfect place towork.

“I never thought I’d be giving an orangutan a hand job every morning,” hesaid somewhat ruefully. “And Ah Meng is the worst. He expects to be kissedfirst.” As we approached the orangutan enclosure, we saw the Zoo’s mostfamous resident lying casually on his back, hands behind his head, andsporting a huge erection. Mr. Binatang sighed, and applied massage oil ontohis gloves. We lingered outside the enclosure as Mr. Binatang entered andknelt before Ah Meng. About 2 minutes’ worth of squelching noises could beheard before Mr. Binatang emerged again. “So fast?” we asked. “He’s shy withyou strangers looking on and can’t perform today,” said Mr. Binatang with agrin, before silently mouthing “thank you” to us.

We next moved towards the tiger enclosure. The big cats were sprawled lazilyon the grass verge as Mr. Binatang approached. “Sayang, sayang,” said Mr.Binatang in a somewhat half- hearted manner as he put on a fresh set ofgloves and entered the enclosure. “Here, kitty, kitty, kitty…”

Moments later, Mr. Binatang emerged with several Tupperware full of viscousfluid. “Is that…?” we asked gingerly. “It’s not soya bean,” replied Mr.Binatang grimly. “Isn’t it dangerous?” we asked. Mr. Binatang was silent fora while. “They know I’m not there as an enemy,” he finally said, a glazed,faraway look in his eyes. We fought the urge to say, “Give that man atiger.”

Mr. Binatang then worked his way round the zoo, carrying out his duties”with the tapirs, the rhinoceros, the giraffe and the gorillas, amongstothers. Each animal is different,” he said, removing his gloves, nowspeckled with traces of polar bear spunk. “The polar bears come ratherquickly, because they’re not used to my warm hands on their cold organs. Thechimpanzees always want to be hugged afterwards. The elephant is the mostteruk because of the size of its thing… sometimes I have to use both myarms to tug on it. I feel like the bell ringer in a cathedral. LikeQuasimodo or something. And god, when he comes, it’s like being sprayed byhot glue.” Mr. Binatang finished his rounds at 3 pm in the afternoon. Thecooler box was full of neatly-labeled Tupperware of animal semen, which wereduly delivered to the WRS office.

“I don’t know how long I’m going to stayin this job,” said Mr. Binatang, peeling off his overalls. “As you canexpect it’s really affecting my sex life. I can’t help it. Each time my wifeinitiates sex, these ejaculating hippos keep floating through my mind.”The WRS acknowledges Mr. Binatang’s difficulties and promises that the semencollection procedure will soon change. But not because of the unpleasantnessof the job.

“It’s because the animals have gotten too used to Binatangcoming over every morning to pull them off,” said deputy assistant directorLai Jee Seow. “Many of them now can’t be bothered to engage in real sex.”

CANTINA DEALS–Sure it costs a whopping $1.65 a month to be a member of the Cantina. It’s worth it, goddamnit. But just in case you have a doubt, we’re throwing the money back at you. Every tenth member receives a copy of “Sam Chopper Orwell,” and weekly we give away valuable prizes of your choosing from Bikernet, Bandit, JIMS Machine, Samson Exhaust, Joker Machine and more.

This week we gave Paul Morris from Ventura, Calif., a XXL Bikernet T-shirt. Could be you next week.

A MAN AND HIS WIFE– are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loudpounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunkenstranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push.

“Not a chance” says the husband – “It’s three o’clock in the morning!”He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was it?” asks his wife.

“Just a drunken stranger asking for apush” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“NO, I didn’t – it’s three in the morning and raining like hell out!”

“Well you’ve got a short memory” says his wife. “Can’t you rememberabout three months ago when we broke down on vacation and those two guyshelped us? I think you should help him.”

The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into thepounding rain and calls out into the dark. “Hello — are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes the answer.

“Do you still want a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing” the drunk replies.

CHROME SPECIALTIES CATALOG UPDATE–Yes, folks, it’s true. Chrome Specialties has updated its catalog and its available for free on Bikernet. Just click and run. Before you know it, the catalog will be delivered directly to your door by a government messenger.Click Here!

ANOTHER DEAL OF THE WEEK, EXCEPT THIS TIME IT CAME FROM THE FACTORY–In order to bring the benefits of engine remanufacturing to an even larger audience, Harley-Davidson Credit is now offering a special financing program for its Engine Remanufacturing Program.

Last year H-D improved upon the already successful program by providing shipment tracking, increased capacity and a reduction in turn-around time. The addition of being able to finance the cost of engine remanufacturing gives every owner of an Evolution motorcycle the opportunity to rejuvenate his or her engine.

JOKER MACHINE MAKES ACCESSORIES FOR RIDLEY–Geoff the GM of Joker got his hands on a 265-pound, 3/4 scale V-Twin from Ridley and hauled it to the drags for the kids to ride. The more Geoff looked at the minature powerhouse the more accessories he noted he could build for the Oklahoma City manufacturer. So with the assistance of Richard, the Joker designer, he built five parts. Ridley is buying every component Joker makes. Check the Joker site on Bikernet or ridleymotorcycles.com for info on this new minature motorcycle.

I’M OUTTA HERE–I need a shot and the touch of her thighs. Damn, this news was a bear. There’s a brother, Bob T., outside on his Softail waiting to go for a ride. I met this guy 30 years ago in Long Beach. We rode to the Terminal Island Prison for bike shows back then. Of course we were too stoned to remember much of it. Seems he got pissed and ate a beer can.

I better move before the old guy passes away. Listen, I don’t know about you, but I love the sun and a blue sky, and of course the touch of her thigh. Try not to waste too many hours of the day doing bullshit work. Get out there and feel the wind, a cold can of beer in your hand and… We’re picking up some parts for the Buell this afternoon and that puppy will begin to go back together. Every weekend is packed with events, we’re busting our ass to prepare for Sturgis. Going a different route this year. I’m into my next book. Shit, I don’t know where to end the list and split. So fuck it, we’re burnin’ daylight, let’s ride.–Bandit

Continued from Page 2

LATE BREAKING NEWS–They found the body of the Chinese pilot who rammed the P3surveillance plane.

Although he had been previously listed incorrectly, he has nowbeen positively identified as WON DUM PHUC.

HANOI JANE IS BACK–Just in case we forgot. Jane Fonda is being honored as one of the “100 Womenof the Century.” Unfortunately many have forgotten and still countless othershavenever known how Ms. Fonda betrayed not only the idea of our country butspecific men who served and sacrificed during Vietnam. The first part of thisis from an F-4E pilot. The pilot’s name is Jerry Driscoll, a River Rat. In 1968,the former commandant of the USAF Survival School was a POW in Ho Lo Prison -the “Hanoi Hilton.” Dragged from a stinking cesspool of a cell,cleaned, fed and dressed in clean PJs, he was ordered to describe for avisiting American “peace activist” the “lenient and humane treatment” he’dreceived. He spat at Ms. Fonda, was clubbed, and dragged away. During thesubsequent beating, he fell forward on the camp commandant’s feet, whichsent that officer berserk. In 1978, the AF Col. still suffered from doublevision (which permanently ended his flying days) from the Vietnamese colonel’sfrenzied application of a wooden baton. From 1963-85, Col. Larry Carrigan wasin the 47FW/DO F-4Es. He spent 6 years in the “Hilton” – the first three ofwhich he was “missing in action.”

His wife lived on faith that he was stillalive. His group, too, got the cleaned, fed, clothed routine in preparationfor a peace delegation visit. They, however, had time and devised a plan toget word to the world that they still survived. Each man secreted a tinypiece of paper with his Social Security number on it, in the palm of his hand. When paradedbefore Ms. Fonda and a cameraman, she walked the line, shaking each man’shand and asking little encouraging snippets like: “Aren t you sorry youbombed babies?” and “Are you grateful for the humane treatment from yourbenevolent captors?”

Believing this HAD to be an act, they each palmed hertheir sliver of paper. She took them all without missing a beat. At the endof the lineand once the camera stopped rolling, to the shocked disbelief of the POWs,she turned to the officer in charge and handed him the little pile of papers.Three men died from the subsequent beatings. Col. Carrigan was almost numberfour but he survived, which is the only reason we know about her actions thatday.

I was a civilian economic development adviser in Vietnam. I wascaptured by the North Vietnamese communists in South Vietnam in 1968 andheld for over 5 years. I spent 27 months in solitary confinement, 1 year ina cage in Cambodia and 1 year in a black box in Hanoi. My NorthVietnamese captors deliberately poisoned and murdered a female missionary, anurse in a leprosarium in Ban Me Thuot, South Vietnam, whom I buried in thejungle near the Cambodian border. At one time, I was weighing approximately90 pounds. (My normal weight is 170 pounds.) We were Jane Fonda’s “war criminals.”

When Jane Fonda was in Hanoi, I was asked by the camp Communist politicalofficer if I would be willing to meet with Jane Fonda. I said yes, for I wouldlike to tell her about the real treatment we POWs were receiving, which wasfar different from the treatment purported by the North Vietnamese andparroted by Jane Fonda as “humane and lenient.” Because of this, I spentthree days on a rocky floor on my knees with outstretched arms with a largeamount of steel placed on my hands, and beaten with a bamboo cane till myarms dipped.

I had the opportunity to meet with Jane Fonda for a couple ofhours after I was released. I asked her if she would be willing to debate meon TV. She did not answer me. This does not exemplify someone who should behonored as part of “100 Years of Great Women.” Lest we forget…”100 years ofgreat women” should never include a traitor whose hands are covered with theblood of so many patriots. There are few things I have strong visceralreactions to, but Hanoi Jane’s participation in blatant treason is one ofthem. Please take the time to forward this to as many people as you possibly can.It will eventually end up on her computer and she needs to know that we willnever forget.

–Charles (Skip) Klingman
Asst. Professor of Music
Southwestern Oklahoma State University
Weatherford, OK 73096
(580) 774-3219 FAX: (580) 774-3795

A SENIOR MOMENT–Two elderly residents, one male and one female, weresitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home oneevening. The old man looked over and said to the oldlady, “I know just what you’re wanting, and for $5 I’ll have sex with you right over there in that rockingchair.”

The old lady looked surprised but didn’t say a word. Theold man continued, “For $10 I’ll do it with you on thatnice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I’ll take youback to my room, light some candles, and give you themost romantic evening you’ve ever had in your life.”

The old lady still says nothing but after a coupleminutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls outa wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.

“So you want the nice romantic evening in my room,” saysthe old man.

“Hell no!” replies the old lady. “I want it four times inthe rocking chair.”

2001 CUSTOM PROSTREET– New and Never Registered, Built By Rogue Using Top of the Line Parts– This motorcycle has style and class with performance and reliability built in.

The engine is a single cam Evolution, built by Accurate Engineering and comes with a 12 month/12,000 mile warranty. It has Wiseco pistons 10.1:1 compression, Andrews EV47 cam, S&S carb, Dyna 2000I single fire ignition and is black wrinkle with polished fins, chrome rocker boxes and nose cone.

The transmission is a black and chrome 5 speed from Custom Chrome and covered under their warranty.

The black powder coated Kraftech, FXR, rubber mount Pro Street frame sports a stainless steel oil tank and lines, chrome swingarm with chrome adjustable shocks.

Front end is American Suspension inverted with billet triple trees, halogen headlight, 16? 3 spoke mag wheel with Avon Venom X MT90B16 tire.

The rear wheel is 16? 3 spoke mag wheel with Avon Venom X 160/80/16 tire. Stainless steel rotors front and rear with billet calipers and stainless steel lines. Stretched Fat Bob gas tanks with aircraft type locking gas caps and Accel Hi-Flow petcock, full length fenders, custom paint and Aurora taillight.

Polished inner and outer primary covers with automatic chain adjuster, Rivera Pro-Street clutch and chrome Hi-Torque starter. Wiring harness and controller by Thunder Heart with protected circuits and weatherproof connectors.

High end custom seat, chrome forward and handlebar controls, stainless steel hardware and much more.

Be the proud owner of this fine motorcycle for only $22,995.Contact ROGUE atrogue@bikerrogue.com or visit web site at www.bikerrogue.com

DEAR RUTH–I read with interest your request for the Village of Meredosia to support and acknowledge, via a special proclamation by the mayor, the volunteer work that ABATE has done in the field of motorcycle safety. In reviewing the proclamation you provided for the Village, I am sorry to inform you that I am unable, in good conscience, to sign such a proclamation for the following reason.

In your list of “WHEREAS,” your group stated that safety is the highest priority for the highways and streets in and around our towns and villages. You further stated that Illinois is a leader in motorcycle safety and that promoting motorcycle safety is a priority of ABATE.

I am pleased that your organization is promoting motorcycle safety, but your statements seem to be somewhat misleading and/or possibly incorrect. It is unbelievable that Illinois is a leader in motorcycle safety when the single most important item of personal safety for a motorcyclist is not a mandatory item of required equipment for operating said motorcycle. I would not consider operating an automobile without first connecting my seatbelt, and I believe any safety conscious motorcyclist would not consider operating his/her motorcycle without first putting on a helmet.

In other words, I am unable to support any group that claims to teach safety that is not also actively pursuing state legislation that would make wearing an approved helmet mandatory for operating a motorcycle on the streets and highways of Illinois. If you are such a group, and I am in error in my judgement of your organization, and you are actively pursuing legislation, than please forward information concerning such efforts and I would joyfully reconsider your request.

Sincerely,
Mike Brown
Mayor/Village President
Meredosia, IL 62665

Dear Mike– I only just received your letter June 4, so I hope you will understand the delay in my response. I must admit, I was extremely surprised and disappointed to read of your feelings toward ABATE (A Brotherhood Aimed Toward Education), motorcycle awareness month during May, and our proclamations. Never have I seen such a response. I could respect your opinion concerning the objectives and priorities of our organization, but you clearly having no knowledge of our history, our strong supporters and our freedom-loving members, you could not possibly understand how we would never promote such legislation as you suggested in your letter. I could quote statistics to you all day long on this issue, but instead, I shall hopefully help you to see some of our side of things, our goals, as these subjects were not made available in my mailings of our proclamations last month.

“The mission of ABATE of Illinois is to preserve the right to a safe, unrestricted motorcycling environment.” There is nothing misleading about this statement. I think possibly you did not read through the entire proclamation. It is well known that ABATE does not support helmet legislation of any sort, yet it is unfortunate that people like yourself are not aware that we contribute SO much more in our communities, as you will come to see.

You, as an elected public official, should know that our members dedicate countless hours to teach the drivers ed students in your area schools to be aware of motorcyclists on the road, among other things. ABATE is the only organization I am aware of in this state that does this work in schools. We reached over 40,000 children in Illinois last year.

ABATE, in cooperation with the MSF (Motorcycle Safety Foundation), helps to teach tens of thousands of people to ride their motorcycles safely with the beginner rider and advanced rider courses, each one a 20 hour field and classroom test. Illinois is the only state that offers these invaluable courses for FREE. The rider pays $20 up front, and can opt to have their money returned to them (or donated to the course funds), if they pass the course. Surrounding states’ riders sometimes pay several hundreds of dollars for the same courses that we offer here at this exceptional fee.

For 12 of the past 14 years our chapter has been around, we have delivered Easter baskets by motorcycle to the Hope School, where the developmentally disabled children and adults would otherwise go without. There are numerous toy runs, downed rider benefits, dinners for the needy, Ronald McDonald house donations, countless fundraisers and other benefits that are arranged to not only help ourselves, but to help the families and people around us that we care for.

Today’s and yesteryear’s motorcycle enthusiast (and I’m quite sure that you are not among this group) do not wish to have the government blindly decide what is in their best interest. One of our many mottos is, “Let those who ride decide,” and I am very strongly aligned with this idea. The reason Illinois is one of only four states in the U.S. that has no helmet laws on the books is because we are over 12,000 members strong, and we have learned long ago that no one will care about preserving our rights and protecting ourselves, EXCEPT ourselves.

Another motto we frequently quote is, “Educate, not legislate.” We believe that it is the parent’s duty to see to the child’s safety, their own safety, and others’ safety when riding a bike, a motorcycle, or driving a car. It is called responsibility. The public mistakenly believes that ABATE is primarily “anti-helmet,” but that is simply not the case. If the motorcyclist wants to wear a helmet when he rides, GREAT! ABATE is ensuring that we will always have that choice. Rest assured also, Mike, the motorcyclist is extremely safety conscious. Some choose to not wear a helmet because it detracts from their hearing and peripheral vision, and may indeed cause an accident.

Obviously there are many, many more automobile accidents in this country than motorcycle accidents, and a great many more fatal injuries attributed to these car accidents, are there not? There are also a great deal more fatal head injuries in these car accidents. What would you do if you heard that the state had introduced legislation that would require you to wear a helmet as well as your seatbelt when you operate your car? Would you sit by and allow these people to pass this law, saying to yourself, ‘Well, they must know what is best for me’? How many of your personal liberties are you willing to give up to the beatific “parent” that is our legislature? There must be limitations set for what we allow our elected officials to pass, not just to justify their existence, and this is where ABATE fights to keep the proverbial line drawn in the sand.

We say “Freedom isn’t free,” and sadly, it is true. ABATE of Illinois fights for us every day, and I’m proud to say I’m an active part of this bunch of freedom fighters.

Sincerely,
Ruth Allan
ABATE of Illinois
Lincolnland Chapter
Activities/Public Relations Coord.

LA CALENDAR BIKE SHOW UPDATE–Bikernet and the LA Calendar Bike Show are pleased to announce that actress, stunt woman and biker babe Brenda Fox will be working with us as mistress of ceremonies and hostess at the Calendar Bike Show the weekend of July 21 and 22. Brenda will be on stage throughout the weekend to introduce activities, interview notable personalities at the show and to keep spectators informed of what’s going on. Plus Brenda will be helping out at the Bikernet.com booth throughout the weekend where you can meet her, as well as hosting the Bikernet party onboard the Queen Mary on Saturday night.

Bikernet will have T-shirts and books for sale, plus you can meet some of the characters who write the crap on the site. Also on display will be Bandit’s Bedrolls. Stop by or come to the party at the Observation lounge from 9 p.m. to midnight and collect goodies and door prizes.

Also added to the bike show this year is a new Vintage Bike Class for pre-1965 bikes, which is being put together by bike show contest judge and famed bike restorer Don Whalen. Don promises to have the class filled with some of the finest vintage collectors’ bikes on the West Coast. It should be a real treat.For complete details on the LA Calendar Bike Show at the Queen Mary on July 21 and 22, go to http://www.FastDates.com

ALLIGATOR WARNING– Due to the extreme drought in Florida, the following caution was issued:

The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for alligators while in Seminole, Osceola, Polk, Brevard and Orange counties. They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the alligators. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an alligator.

It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should recognize the difference between small young alligator and large adult alligator droppings.

Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligator droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

–Kris B.

CLASSIFIED TESTIMONIAL–Thanks for the posting. I have now sold both items due to your site. Iam not sure how to remove the ad, and would appreciate your help indoing so. The ad number was 511 if that helps. Thanks again, Rollie

Indian is in hot water again. In fact, the Cow Creek Band of Umpqua Tribe of Indians has contributed years of serious effort and money to help ensure that the Indian trademark revived – if at all – in a way that would substantially benefit American Indians and support Native American organizations. They claim they are being cheated by a federal receiver and the “Indian” Motorcycle Company.

NOAH’S NEW ARK . . .It is the year 2000 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaksto Noah and says: “In one year I am going to make it rain and cover thewhole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save therighteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth.Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark.”

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.”Remember,” said the Lord, “You must complete the Ark and bringeverything aboard in one year.”

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and allthe seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting inhis front yard weeping. “Noah,” he shouted, “Where is the Ark?”

“Lord please forgive me!” cried Noah. “I did my best, but there were bigproblems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plansdid not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm andredraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances bybuilding the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from thecity planning commission. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won’t let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiatea settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters onthe Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impactstatement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of theuniverse.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new floodplain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I’m building the Ark inpreparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got anotice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed toregister the Ark as a recreational water craft.”

Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against furtherconstruction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, itis a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really don’t thinkI can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!” Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. “You mean you arenot going to destroy the earth, Lord?”

“No,” said the Lord sadly. “The government already has.”

Continued on Page 4

Continued from Page 1

MARRIAGE AND DIVORCE–On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While they are waiting, they begin to wonder, “Could they possibly get married in Heaven?”

When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he leaves.

The couple sits and waits for an answer. It takes a couple of months. While they are waiting, they discuss whether or not they should get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.

“What if it doesn’t work?” they wondered, “are we stuck together forever?”

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informs the couple, “you CAN get married in Heaven.”

Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asks the frightened couple.

“OH, C’MON!” St. Peter shouts, “it took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

WEEKLY SPECIALS–Every week the Bikernet crew will come up with a bucks-saving special on a book, shirt, HA vest or… Check out the gift shops in the Bikernet Gulch for totally secure ordering, great prices and convenience — you don’t need to leave your garage and run all over the state to find what you need.

If you think we should be carrying a particular line of products, drop me a nasty note. I can take it–Bandit@bikernet.com.

VANCIL WINS IN CANADA–Doug Vancil of Albuquerque, N.M., pulled his Screamin’Eagle Nitro Harley by Vance& Hines/Drag Specialties out of the trailer and ripped off a 6.456 ET at215.46 mph for No. 1 qualifier at Grand Bend, Ontario, at the second annualMopar Performance Parts Nationals presented by Castrol. With ultraconsistency, Vancil dashed through the field, never leaving the 6.5s for hisfirst IHRA win of the season.

Breaking the bridesmaid syndrome, after two previous runner ups at Rockinghamand Richmond, Vancil defeated Steve Stordeur of Mancuso Racing in the finalswith a 6.551 at 204.35 mph over 6.633 ET at 209.93 mph.

The Vancils are supported by Vance & Hines, Drag Specialties, PerformanceMachine, K & N, Valvoline, B & J Transmission and Axtell.

POLAND’S WORST AIR DISASTER– occurred when a two-seat Cessna 152 crashedinto a cemetery today.

Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expectthat number to climb as digging continues into the night.

BREVARD CULTURAL ALLIANCE PRESENTS ART OF HARLEYS– One of the ways that the Brevard Cultural Alliance raises money for their Youths at Risk Arts Program is by having this yearly event. The money goes to teach kids art instead of “muggin’ and thuggin’.” Just in case you’re doing one of them “what’s that got to do with motorcycles?” where do you think custom bike builders, painters and tattoo artists come from?

It was a fun day and a well-organized event. There was a bike show, some real art, a bike rodeo, music and, of course, a bunch of vendors.

I got to see a lot of friends and have a bunch of beers so it was a great day for me. The only part was I didn?t win the bike they raffled off. Of course I need another one just as much as Bandit. HEY YOU NEVER HAVE TOO MANY MOTORCYCLES!!!!!!!!

–ROGUE

AN OUTRAGE–“It is an outrage that 10,446 law enforcement agencies wasted their time and energy to browbeat motorists for not wearing a seatbelt — in a nation where 90,000 women are raped annually; 15,000 people are murdered; 400,000 people are robbed; and 900,000 people are assaulted. That’s not public safety — it’s public harassment. It’s a criminal misuse of law enforcement resources, and Americans should be outraged by it.”

— Steve Dasbach, the Libertarian Party’s national director, reacts with outrage to Operation ABC Mobilization, a nation-wide Memorial Day weekend seatbelt-crackdown sponsored by the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. ABC, in case you need an ipecac (look it up), stands for America Buckles Up Children.

CHROME SPECIALTIES GIRLS–This is just a taste of the world of Chrome Specialties Girls we hope to feature here on Bikernet. The cutest babe on the CSI staff, Dawn Marchand, their media manager, handled the shoot. I’ll bet she did… Some of the girls are local Dallas and Fort Worth “Hooters” girls and Dawn’s notion is to use the shots with the CSI 2001 bikes for ads, promo, Web site screen savers, posters/calendars and more. With Dawn groping this situation, I’m sure there will be more. You’ll see the girls pop up around Bikernet and in the Chrome Specialties Department.

AHDRA ROCKY MOUNTAIN NITRO NATIONALS PRESENTED BY RIVERA ENGINEERING/PRIMO BELT DRIVES AND THE GATES RUBBER COMPANY, BANDIMERE SPEEDWAY, DENVER, COLORADO, JUNE 16-17–What do you get when you combine 200 mph motorcycles, live bands, drag racing school, camping, tons of vendors and a chance to win a brand new Harley-davidson motorcycle in a setting as beautiful as the Rocky Mountains? Give up? Announcing the 2001 AHDRA Rocky Mountain Nitro Nationals.

The action returns to Bandimer Speedway July 16-17 in one fire breathing weekend. See JIMS Top Fuelers, S&S Cycle Pro Stock, Joker Machine Modified, Dynojet Street Pro and Andrews ET racers compete for a piece of the $35,000 purse. Enter your bike in the ride-in bike show. Get off the street and on the rack with Hot Rod Bikes How to Go Drag Racing School. Enjoy great food and beer while watching hot bands. Plus be a part of the Miracle Ride of the Rockies, the charity ride that raised over $100,000 for the Muscular Dystrophy Association last year. Be there, be there.

WHITEHORSE PRESS RELEASES NEW SUMMER RIDING CATALOG–The WhiteHorse Press gang is now distributing “Sam ‘Chopper’ Orwell,” so you need to check their lastest catalog to see what they wrote about me. Their summer/fall catalog contains 64 full-color pages jam-packed with unique stuff for bikers. Their extensive catalog focuses on riding and touring and includes quality books, videos, riding accessories, an expanded camping line, dozens of classic biker movies and a selection of handy tools to carry with you on your next adventure. You can order a catalog by going to their Web site at www.WhitehorsePress.com. Don’t miss it.

HEY BANDIT–My bike was in the November Bikernet Bike Show “In memory of Justin”. It won first place in its class. Every year I put together a poker run and bike show that I call Run For Breath–In Memory of Justin Pullin. The run will be held July 22, here in Charlotte, N.C.

Last year we raised $6,000. At the end of the run there were over 1,000 bikes present. Every year it gets bigger. For more information check our web site www.h-dofcharlotte.com. Hope to see you there.

–Mike Pullin
Harley-Davidson of Charlotte
(704) 847-4647

I’ll be there, Mike.–Bandit

LADIES CHOICE–A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattooartist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her rightthigh just below her bikini line. She also wants him toput “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good.The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with”Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too.As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattooartist asks, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me whyyou had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”

She says, “I’m sick and tired of my husband complainingall the time that there’s nothing good to eat betweenThanksgiving and Christmas!”

LET’S BEAT FEET–The Buell is apart and off to paint. NuttBoy’s ProStreet rolling chassis is off the lift on wheels. We got our stats from last month and we’re hanging at 1.4 million hits a month and 78,000 user sessions. The word on the street is that the largest motorcycle site out there is about to clip its computer power cord. They’re toast.

If that’s the case and you frequent Motorcycle World, let us know what we can do to better Bikernet for you, or what service they provided that you’ll pine away for in the night.

All this business bullshit is just that. Business is a gamble and I’m sure they gave it their best shot. We’re not doing this to be “in business.” It’s what we do ’cause we love motorcycles and it’s a blast and it gives us the freedom to work on bikes and hang out when we’re not starving to death. Sure, I wish I could afford a new truck, but I’d rather have the freedom any day. Besides, if I was tied to a desk, who would be here to meet Sin Wu at noon? Ride forever.–Bandit

In the next week we will post an interview with John about the clone industry and his success. Regarding the overall industry, you’ll see below that Harley-Davidson is expanding substantially for the future and its new model/water-cooled engine combination that will be released shortly.

I had a meeting today with a publisher from the cruising market, and all feel that the market, the lifestyle and the road ahead is strong. Let’s get to the news:

QUANTUM UPDATE– Jim Cheal and I attended a bankruptcy hearing in Orlando on June 6 forAmerican Quantum Cycles.

At this hearing, the corporate shell was sold for $66,000. The money willgo into the trustees fund.

At this time priorities are trustee expenses and then employees back pay. Itis expected that this money will be used by the trustee to gain more andhopefully some day it will be enough to pay employees.

— ROGUE

BIKERNET ONGOING BIKE SHOW MAY WINNERS–Enter now, it’s free! All winners receive famous Bikernet show trophies and prizes from: HA Leathers, Crime Inc. shirts, “Orwell” signed books, Samson Exhaust gift certificates or JIMS Components…

In the “Buell” Category
R. Joe Yenik
N. Catasauqua, Penn.

In the “Radical Custom” Category
Matt Burris
Terre Haute, Ind.

In the “Sportster” Category
Chris Wright
Auckland, New Zealand

In the “Street Custom-Stock” Category
Bob Smith
Singapore, Singapore

In the “Vintage” Category
Greg LeBlanc
North Hollywood, Calif.

In the “Pro-Street” Category
David Anderson
Hadley, Mass.and
Rich Santerre
Manchester, Conn.

OLD GEORGE’S PHYSICAL–George’s Physical70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, “George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?”

George replied, “God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I’m done.”

“Wow,” commented Dr. Smith, “that’s incredible!”

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George’s wife. “Thelma,” he said, “George is just fine. Physically he’s great. But I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and?then (poof!) the light goes off?”

Thelma exclaimed, “That old fool! He’s pissing in the refrigerator again!”

Bikernet.com is happy to announce its association beginning this year with the LA Calendar Motorcycle Show produced by Jim Gianatsis and Gianatsis Design, publishers of the popular FastDates.com calendars and Web site. Now the premier streetbike event on the West Coast with an expanded two-day format, the LA Calendar Motorcycle Show draws the top custom bike builders, and bike and product manufacturers from across America. New big rig exhibitor displays are confirmed this year from Drag Specialties, RC Components and Pro One, among some 100 manufacturers. Included are displays by many of America’s premier builders, including Jesse James, Jim Nasi, Paul Yafee and Harold Pontarelli.

Meet Penthouse Pet of the Year Zdenka and Playboy 40th Anniversay Playmate Anna Marie Goddard in person.A previous Iron and Lace Calendar girl Anna Marie Goddard is back in the 2002 FastDates.com Calendars, premiering at our big White Brothers Los Angeles Calendar Motorcycle Show on July 21-22. Together with Anna will be Penthouse 2001 Pet of the Year Zdenka, SBK World Superbike trophy girl Taylor McKegney, and sexy new calendar girls Amanda Swiston and Marina Pahomova. Plus the beautiful Miss Hollywood Beer from new show beer sponsor, one of the West Coast’s premier micro brewed beers. They’ll be there both days for you to meet and have them personally autograph their new 2002 calendars for you.

But that’s just the beginning! There’s a Bikernet party Saturday night!Saturday will be a special Bikernet day at the LA Calendar Motorcycle Show with the White Brothers West Coast Horsepower Dyno Shootout, and then at night, aboard the Queen Mary, a fireworks show and party. The party will be centered in the ship’s Observation Bar with a live jazz band and special activities and giveaways hosted by Bikernet.com. Bring your buddies, run your bikes on the dyno, pick up the hot new Iron & Lace and Garage Girls calendars and meet the beautiful models!

MOTORCYCLE CONTEST INFORMATION–$30 registration fee includes: 1.) A free calendar of your choice. 2.) Show admission for the bike owner. 3.) General admission to the Queen Mary, a $46 value if purchased separately. Plus you’ll have a chance to win almost $20,000 in prizes and trophies. Classes for: Radical Pro Custom, Street Custom, Street Performance, Vintage to 1956, Street Classic Post-1956, Street Sportbikes and Racebikes. No pre-entry. No phone calls, please. This is a fun, low-pressure contest.*

Come and enjoy the day. Some winners may be invited to have their bikes photographed for the next year’s calendar. BIKES DO NOT NEED A MIKUNI CARBURETOR TO WIN! The bike contest is only on Sunday the 22nd. Enter from 8 a.m. to 10 a.m. the day of the show. All bikes must remain until 5 p.m. show closing.

SHOW INFORMATION–To get to the Calendar Motorcycle Show at the Queen Mary, Long Beach Harbor, Los Angeles:From Interstate 405 in Los Angeles take the I-710 Long Beach Freeway south to the Queen Mary.The 2001 event is July 21, noon to 8 p.m.; July 22, 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. A FREE Bikernet.com party and fireworks show onboard the Queen Mary Saturday night at 9 p.m.For additional spectator information and ship hotel reservations, contact

The Queen Mary at (562) 435-3511.Additional details at http://www.FastDates.com/BikeShow.htm

CANADIAN OIL SHORTAGE–There are a lot of folks who can’t understand how we came to have an oilshortage here in Canada.Well, there’s a very simple answer…

Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn’t know we were gettinglow.The reason for that is purely geographical, all our oil is in Alberta andNew Foundland.All our dipsticks are in Ottawa!

HARLEY-DAVIDSON TO EXPAND IN WAUWATOSA–By THOMAS CONTENTof the Journal Sentinel staffHarley-Davidson Motor Co. is planning a significant expansion of its product development center in Wauwatosa.

The planned expansion comes just four years after the Milwaukee motorcycle manufacturer opened the research and development center at 11800 W. Capitol Drive. The company is hoping to begin construction in July.

The addition is one of three major expansions being considered by the company this year as it pours record profits back into operations in an effort to meet ongoing demand for its motorcycles.The Wauwatosa expansion would add 140,000 square feet to a 218,000-square-foot building.

According to applications submitted to the Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources, the addition would enable Harley-Davidson to double the number of testing cells it uses to evaluate engine powertrains.

The company also is planning a 75,000-square-foot office building for engineering and product development workers, plus a 65,000-square-foot expansion of its engine and cycle testing laboratory.

The plans call for adding eight cells to test motorcycle engines that are being developed. The engines are tested for noise, handling and vibration. Vehicle and structural component testing would also occur at the facility once the new engines are placed on test motorcycles.

Harley spokesman Joe Hice wouldn’t comment on how many new employees the company would hire as a result of the expansion.”Harley-Davidson has experienced double-digit growth every quarter literally for the last 15 years, and we expect to continue growing,” he said. “With that growth will be new employment opportunities.”

BIKERNET WELCOMES BROS CLUB–We all need a respectable source for insurance and a place to call if we break down. Now it’s here on Bikernet. I’m already picking up health insurance and having them evaluate my bike insurance.

I’m impressed with their roadside service. If the provider doesn’t show up with the proper tools or doesn’t give you the service you need, they’ll fire the bastards. Dana Coates, the man behind the operation, is constantly monitoring the quality of the service given. Check the site, Dana is always available to give insurance quotes.

NEW PANHEADS FROM CSI–This is a shot of Keith Ruxton (above), the man who built the world’s fastest motorcycle (322.15 mph), standing with his first new 88-inch Panhead engine. Keith developed the Pandamonium for Chrome Specialties. Check out their site. Tomorrow we will release a substantial article on the Panhead project with particulars on American engine components and break-in tips. Watch for it.

Continued on Page 2

Continued From Page 1

THANKS MAN–I WAS RUNNING PRETTY LEAN. POINTS ARE ALL RIGHT BUT I GOT THOSE CHEAP AUTOZONE PLUGS AND I THINK IT LIKES ‘EM A LITTLE HIGHER QUALITY. SO FAR SO GOOD. I HOPE TO GET AN S&S CARB ON IT SOON. THE BENDIX IS PRETTY TEMPERMENTAL. I ALSO RAISED THE FLOAT LEVEL SO THE BOWL FILLED UP A LITTLE MORE AND THAT SEEMED TO HELP. STILL A LITTLE POPPY BUT NOT CONSISTENTLY.

I DON’T MIND, I’D RATHER RIDE ONE OF THESE OLD ONES THAT ARE SIMPLER TO FIGURE OUT AND TAKE APART. AT LEAST YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ‘EM.I APPRECIATE THE INPUT. I HAVE GOTTEN ADVICE FROM YOUR SITE BEFORE AND IT’S THE ONLY PLACE I’VE FOUND WHERE ANYONE KNOWS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.

SO, RIDE FAR, PARTY HARD AND SLEEP SMILIN’!! YOUR BRO’ SLINGER

We make every effort to answers letters on a daily basis. We may not know what the fuck we’re talking about, but you’ll hear something. –Bandit

BIKERNET CARIBBEAN REPORT– Between The Horse, the bikes, the shop, Bikernet, Sturgis and athousand other things going on, it seems like there’s absolutely no time left.Shit, I can’t complain, I’m doing what I like to do. I hope you will get thesneak preview of the WCC bike this week. (We did, and there’s a tech on it in the garage) It’s locked so no one can see ittill it’s done, except Bikernet visitors (I always hide projects untilthey’re done).

The powdercoaters are taking their sweet time to do my parts.I guess they don’t understand the “schedule,” which means Hurry! Maybe I’lljust polish the damn parts and forget about the black. Anyway, it’s beenraining here so we don’t have to worry about riding, nor sweating our assesoff at the shop.

The “Desertores” did their second run of the summer, over 200 bikes showedup. For 10 bucks you got some goodies, free towing, ambulance service andpolice escort. Dinner was six bucks more. I guess they are showing the localHOG chapter how rides are done, and all the money was donated to the kids.They even had a bus for the broken down riders and tired ass wives. Way togo guys !

A group of friends is riding Route 66, said to report that one of them had anaccident and is in the hospital’s intensive care. They were riding inOklahoma heading to Amarillo, Texas, when his Road King’s front tire blew upand they lost control. He was riding bitch and his girlfriend was steering. Seems like he hit the curb head first. (He had no helmet on, but I humblythink that it could have been worse with a lid.) His girlfriend justsuffered some minor road rash. Witnesses say that she managed to slow thebike down to about 10 mph before both of them were bucked. We are all prayingfor Cucho, we hope you do too. (I don’t have the full details, but Ifigured the more people wishing him well, the better.)

The Horse magazine will be featuring a few choppers from Puerto Rico in thefollowing issues, the first article and girly photos are already at thelayout tableWe hope to keep on doing these for a long time.

Sturgis is less than a month away. We will be riding around and takingphotos. If you are a Bikernet user and see some PR plates, please come overand say hi.

See ya next week.–Jose – Caribbean Custom Cycles, San Juan PR

SPORTSTER HUNT–Thanks Bandit, for going out of your way for me. I am trying to find a bike for my friend’s ol’ lady. She is looking for something that runs good, isn’t chopped out and is about $6,000 or less. Most any Harley, but running, you know what I mean? This is her first bike. Thanks again brother, ride free, Mo, mohd2@altavista.com

MODIFIED LOGO–I wanted to do something for ya’ll at Bikernet for all the great time youhave given me on your Web site, so I did a little graphic manipulation on thelogo and now I’m sending you a copy to see what you think. Gave itsome 3-D type looks and other minor changes. I was killing time at work and thoughtwhat a better way than playing with graphics in Adobe.

By the way….ORWELL was GREAT!Please write more like it soon 🙂

–MikeC
Digital Matrix Systems
Dallas, Texas

It sucks, Mike. Start over.–Bandit

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD– Little Red Riding Hood was packing her things. Her mother asked, ?Where are you going, Lil’ Red??

Red said, ?To grandma’s.? Her mother said, ?Okay,but watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. He’ll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and freak your little red socks off.?

Lil’Red replied, ?Don’t worry, I’ve got a gun.? So about a mile down the road, Lil’ Red met the Three Little Pigs. Theyasked where she was going and she said, ?Grandma’s house.?

The Pigs warned,?Watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. He’ll pull up your little red dress, pull downyour little red panties and freak your little red socks off!?

She told them, ?Don’t worry, I’ve got a gun.?

About two more miles down the road, the Big Bad Wolf lept out of theforest and grabbed Lil’ Red. He shouted ?Ha! I finally caught you!?

Shecried, ?Don’t tell me you’re gonna pull up my litle red dress, pull down mylittle red panties and freak my little red socks off.?

?Yes I am,? said the Wolf, drooling.

?No, you ain’t,? said Little Red.

?What do you mean,? said the Wolf, taken aback.

Lil’ Red pulled up her little red dress, pulleddown her little red panties, pulled out her big silver gun and said, ?Nope,you’re gonna eat me like it says in the book.?

SUPER-VEE REPORT– Thought I’d bug you about your low opinion of Super Vees. I put some 700 mountain (up to 16,000 feet) miles on it a couple of weekends ago; rain, snow, hail, it just kept on going. 90 mph at 2,700 rpm and don’t even get on the cam till about 2,000 rpm–I have to run a 20 tooth trans sprocket (i.e. sidecar gearing) to be able to get out of second in town or into fourth below 70 mph on the freeway.

First kick starts (kicker only), wet or dry. About 30 mpg and probably leaks more oil than it uses.

I was off on a long run the other day and blew the 11/2″ Primo belt, had to put on a used spare at the side of the road with just my tool roll–in pouring rain! Rode it some 75 miles home then sold the used spare for $50. Now I got two new belts but no idea if either will last more than 1,500 miles. Everything is properly aligned, 1-inch play (cold), no signs of wear, no wheelies or burnouts, open application, pouring rain, blows at 55-60 mph in fourth–go figure! I reckon: too many cubes, too few inches. Have to run chain or 3-inch belt if they keep tearing up on me. Anyhow, the Vee engine just pours out power fast as you open the tap.

The stroker Harleys and Indian I’ve ridden just weren’t in the same ballpark. Long mountain upgrades really test an engine’s ponies; Indians are maybe better than Hogs on hills, but the Vee was tugging at my throttle hand like a pitbull in heat.

–Allan.

THE CREATOR RULES–When the Creator was making the world and all its inhabitants, hecalled man aside. I’m bestowing upon you,” the Creator said, “20years of active sex life.”

Man was dismayed. “Only 20 years?” he protested. “Great One,that isn’t enough. Can’t you add a few more years?”

But the Creator shook his head. It was 20 years or nothing, soman glumly sat down.

The monkey was called forth. He was offered 20 years of activesex life too. But the monkey suggested humbly that 10 years would be quiteenough since he seldom lived longer than that anyway.

Immediately the man leaped up. “Can I have your extra 10 years?”he cried excitedly.

“Of course,” said the monkey graciously.

The lion was then called forth and the Creator made the same offer.Twenty years of active sex life.

The lion gravely shook his mane.”MightyOne,” he roared, “I’m a monogamous animal: therefore, 10 years will beenough for me.” Again, the man stood up.

“Can I have the lion’s sharealso?”he asked eagerly. Both the lion and the Creator agreed, and the man satdown elated.

The donkey was then called up, but when the Creator offered him 20 years, he balked. “Sire,” he brayed, “I want to reserve some timeforeating sweet clover. Ten years is ample time for me.”The Creator nodded, then turned and looked at man. “I suppose youwant his 10 years as well?” Man smirked and nodded.

“So be it,” said the Creator and turned away.

And that is how it came to pass that man has 20 years of activesex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it,and 10 years of making an ass of himself.

–Chris T.

STURGIS ALERT–Johnny Pag just told me that he has a five-bedroom house available in Spearfish forthe entire Sturgis week, Saturday to Saturday. If anyone needs it, it is $2,500 forthe week. Contact Kerry at (909) 928-0309.Please put the word out. MNSportie@aol.com

THE COP BIKE BOOK–Buck Lovell is searching for old cop and antique cop bike photos to beused in a book called “Old Cop Bike.” Old Cop will feature manynever-before published photos of police motorcycles and the men who rodethem from 1903 to 1974. The book will feature only black and white photos asfound or contributed by various police agencies and motorcycle historybuffs. If you have an old cop bike photo you can contribute, please send itto:

Buck Lovell
C/O Chrome Pony Marketing
PMB 389
2621 Green River Suite 105
Corona, Calif. 92882-7454

All photos will be returned immediately after scanning………..

SAVAGE DOWN, BUT NOT OUT–Savage Williamson from Easyriders sent the following report. If you are a fan of his excellent writing skills, drop him a note:

Bad news, I’m sorry to report. You have likely noticed that I haven’tbeen e-mailing my columns as usual for the past two months; my capablecolleague Kit Maira at Biker magazine has been filling in for me (again, Kit,I appreciate the hell out of it, bro).

I had hoped this would be a temporary measure, but it turns out thatwhat I’d thought was simple diabetes onset (preliminarily Type II, but nowType I) was actually a symptom of something quite a bit more serious.

The medicos have ascertained a sizeable tumor on my pancreas, and it’salready at Stage 2, rapidly growing to Stage 3. These bastards are alwaysmalignant, and unfortunately pancreatic cancer is the fastest-killing of themall, so I have anywhere from two weeks to perhaps six months left before I maybe doing daisy push-ups. –Savage Williamson, SavageWilliamson@aol.com

ANOTHER STURGIS ROOM ALERT–Hi Guys,If anyone is looking for a room in Sturgis this year, there is another oneavailable. Richard and Ann Harrison will not be able to go this year, buthave a room at the Days Inn in Spearfish. If you’re interested, contact Ann Harrison at okiehamster@aol.com or (405) 751-9257.

–Patty MNSportie@aol.com

CYRIL ANNOUNCES NEW ONLINE STORE–To keep up with the demand for his accessories and the expansion of his online orders, Cyril Huze is proud to announce the launching of a new online store at http://store.cyrilhuze.com. The online store is the result of five months of research and development to improve content, ease of navigation and security of the ordering process.

The new site features a richer content with an expanded line of accessories, a faster navigation with a new parts classification, an easier decision process with each accessory linked to the descriptions and images of related components. Buyers have the ability to create an account with password, to keep personal information on a secure encrypted server for future shopping and the ability to buy with a credit card, by check or money order. After purchasing an accessory, a client can also go back online at any time to check the status of his order from shipping to delivery.

The site was designed by Damien Huze of Huze Solutions (http://www.huzesolutions.com) with the assistance of Steve Wilding for all back end administration programming. The new online store can be accessed directly at http://store.cyrilhuze.com or from Cyril Huze Website at http://www.cyrilhuze.com.

01NR22 – NHTSA MOTORCYCLE SAFETY PLAN REQUIRES YOUR ACTION–Washington, D.C. — Within days of a pro-helmet-law physician being named as its new leader, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration launched a poorly veiled attack on motorcyclists in the form of a plan to enhance motorcycle safety.

?[R]iding a motorcycle continues to be a risky endeavor,? warns the Motorcycle Safety Improvement Plan, published in the June 25, 2001, edition of the Federal Register. ?It is in fact the most hazardous means of travel in the United States.? Now open for public comment, the plan seeks to reduce motorcycle-related fatalities by 5 percent by 2005 ?by making progress in these areas:

?Improved rider and passenger safety
?Safer motorcycles
?Improved motorcycle crash data and analysis
?Safer riding environment.?

The plan reflects the imbalance that has governed thinking in the agency throughout must of its 35-year history, with training taking a back seat to vehicle improvements, more research and more analysis. (See the June 8 MRF MRF RIDERS? ALERT 01NR20 that discusses the revelations in the June 11, 2001, NEW YORKER article). Meanwhile, State Motorcyclists? Rights Organizations (SMROs) and the MRF are in their fifth month of advocating to Congress an aggressive, straight-forward approach to motorcycle safety, including a no-strings resource injection to state-run rider training programs and a national program of enhancing motorist awareness of motorcycles. Throughout the USA, the waiting period for vital safety training often reaches 10 months and more. And, year after year, 6 out of 10 fatalities involving a motorcycle and a car is the fault of the motorist, not the motorcyclist.

SMROs are way ahead of the federal agency in this regard, with motorist awareness training advancing in states like Massachusetts led by the Modified Motorcycle Association of Massachusetts (MMA of Mass.) and a ?Vehicular Assault? statute in Washington state. Championed by a host of groups including the Washington Road Riders Association, the new law prescribes felony penalties for negligent or reckless drivers whose misconduct causes injury. The MMA has filed a lawsuit against the Commonwealth of Massachusetts that, among other issues, seeks Court action to enjoin its Governor’s Highway Safety Bureau from squandering pending public money (its Motorcycle Safety Fund) on such brochures as “How to tell an Unsafe Helmet.” MMA?s goal is to put the money where it belongs by directing the $2 each of the more than 116,000 annual motorcycle registrations into rider education and the promotion and advertising of motorcyclist safety and motorist awareness.

Lobbying for helmet laws tops NHTSA?s list. ?Wearing a helmet that meets the federal safety requirement will save the lives of motorcycle riders,? NHTSA proclaims flatly, citing a study of Texas and Arkansas soundly debunked by ABATE of Massachusetts. ?As NHTSA tracks motorcycle crash experiences in states which repeal their helmet laws, the agency will use the results of Texas and Arkansas studies to publicize the protective value of helmet use. This will position NHTSA to implement similar studies in Kentucky, Louisiana, Florida and other states that may repeal mandatory helmet use laws.?

The agency is also considering revising the federal helmet standard ?to strengthen the standard?s enforcement effectiveness (e.g., to distinguish ?fake? helmets from legitimate helmets).? Mandatory helmet laws and so-called ?standards? for ?enforcement effectiveness? have led directly to widespread abuse of riders? civil rights, as documented forcefully all year by ABATE of Massachusetts.

Is attire control next? The agency announced it will ?partner with appropriate organizations? and embark on a ?five-year protective gear promotion campaign.?

Regarding ?safer motorcycles,? the agency announced intention to study braking technology and ?hopes to use the test data to support its motorcycle brake harmonization proposals? (e.g., linked brakes and anti-lock braking systems).Motorcyclists nationwide must read this document and make their voices heard. This is a draft of the U.S. Government?s plan for your safety. And agree or disagree, in whole or in part you must let this agency and your U.S. Congressman know where you stand. Act today.

Here?s what to do:

1.Read the plan. http://www.nhtsa.dot.gov/people/injury/pedbimot/motorcycle/motorcycleimprovement.html

2.Submit written comments not later than August 9, 2001. You must refer to ?Docket Number NHTSA-2001-9595? in your letter:

?via mail (two copies) to Docket Management System, U.S. Department of Transportation, PL401, 400 Seventh Street, S.W., Washington, D.C. 20590-0001.

?Via e-mail by logging on to http://dms.dot.gov. Click on ?help & Information.

GUN OWNERS ALLIANCE !!ALERT!!–H.R. 74 (Jackson-Lee): This bill would amend the Hate Crimes Law to imposea ten-year prison sentence (life imprisonment for serious offenses) forusinga firearm to cause or attempt to cause bodily injury on the basis of, amongother things, the sexual orientation of the victim. In addition, it wouldauthorize increased funding for grants and enforcement.

H.R. 75 (Jackson-Lee): This bill would authorize $100,000,000 a year formentalhealth services for children.

For more info, contact: Chris W. Stark – Director
P.O. Box 1924
Crosby, Texas 77532-1924
Ph. 1-713-202-9548 Fax 1-810-283-7459
http://www.GOA-Texas.org
email: Director@GOA-Texas.org

DEAR ABBY–Dear AbbyMy husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issues. He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught he first denies it all, then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I don’t know what to do.

Signed: Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

Why don’t you move to New York and run for the Senate?

–Kris B.

ODD FACTS– In Scotland, a new game was invented. It wasentitled Gentlemen –Only Ladies Forbidden … and thus the word GOLFentered into the English language.

THAT’S IT–Actually that’s not it, but after last night, that’s all my brain cells can handle. I picked up a new truck yesterday and need to alter it before anyone sees me in a stock truck. It’s actually raining here, the gods must have lost their way. This is the summer, goddamnit.

Sturgis is just around the corner and a new Samson exhaust system just arrived for my riding partner. It’s going to be busy for the next couple of weeks.–Let’s ride–Bandit.

Remember to remove the spacers at the rear of the clutch basket before installing the new clutch.

Always lube the plates and friction disks with Primary oil before inserting them into the clutch hub.Finish up with the rest of the drive, according to the manual.

Bolt the outer primary in place, also following the torque pattern, but after installing the tranny top cover and replacing the starter, and this side’s done.

The oil tank can now be replaced. We also went with H-D’s braided oil lines, they fit perfectly and looked very cool.

The cam cover, rocker boxes, and tappet covers go on next.These are very straightforward operations, and, as long as you’recareful and clean, you should have no problems.

We now installed the SE Holley kit.

This operation is covered in the BikernetGarage section in detail, so we won’t go into a step-by-step here. Needless to say, the kit and instructionsmade this job a breeze. At this time, we changed out the ignition module and coil, also covered in the Garage section.

We wanted to lower this ride so we installed H-D’s Low Profile Rear Suspension.This operation, too, is detailed in the Bikernet Garage.

As we told you at the beginning of this story we took the Softail out and put it through its paces.The Holley performed flawlessly and the bike ran hard.

When we got home we rolled it out to take a few shots so that you all could see the before and after.Low, fast and pretty. I’d say that’s a pretty good start.

Now let’s ride. Oz

Back to Oz’s Garage Build Up – We Start Here….

Back to Harley-Davidson on Bikernet….