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Viagra

The boss of a small company called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burned-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest, whose theme was “Viagra advertising slogans.”

Dividing into 10 groups of three, the only rule was they had to use past ad slogans that captured the essence of Viagra.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions, and created a “Top Ten List.” After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.

10. Viagra, It’s “Whaazzzzz Up!”

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a [woman], but made for a [man].

3. Viagra, Tastes great!……..More filling!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?

Driving Too Fast

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held backthe worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had nevereven seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow drivinghabits.

“I can’t stand it anymore,” she told him. “Let’s play a game. For every 5miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I”ll remove one piece ofclothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he everhad before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veeredoff the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was nothurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

“Go to the road and get help,” he said. “I don’t have anything to covermyself with!” she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. “You’ll have toput this between your legs to cover it up,” he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truckdriver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hearher story.

“My boyfriend! My boyfriend!” she sobs, “He’s stuck and I can’t pull himout!”

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, “Ma’am,if he’s in that far, I’m afraid he’a a goner!”

How to Explain Enron to Your Students

Feudalism – You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism – You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Communism – You have two cows. Your neighbors help take care of them and you share the milk.

Totalitarianism – You have two cows. The government takes them both and denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army. Milk is banned.

Capitalism – You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multilies, and the economy grows. You sell them all and retire on the income.

Enron Venture Capitalism – You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretlyowned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. Thanks to a special agreement with Arthur Andersen (all copies of the agreement are later shredded), the annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

MotorcycleUSA.com’s Rate the Ride

Ever since the inception of MotorcycleUSA.com, users have asked for a place to post pictures of themselves and their bikes. Introducing RateTheRide.com. Taking a page from picture rating sites across the Internet, RateTheRide.com brings you the fun of posting, viewing and rating motorcycle pictures.

At RateTheRide.com, you can submit your pictures into one of seven different galleries. Choose from Sportbikes, Off Road, Custom/Cruiser, Bikes and Babes, Big Air, Street Moves or check out the entire collection. The best part is that you get to rate each picture and see what other people think too. And because it’s MotorcycleUSA, it’s absolutely free!

Go to: http://www.ratetheride.com and show the World who you are and what you ride.

Never under estimate the little old Lady…..

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada oneday carryinga bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with thepresidentofthe bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lotof money!” After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally usheredher into the president’s office (the customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much she wouldlike todeposit.

She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out ofher bag ontohis desk. The president was of course curious as to how shecame by allthiscash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’recarrying somuch cash around. Where did you get this money?” The old lady replied, “I make bets.” The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”

The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.” “Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!” The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to takemy bet?” “Sure,” said the president, I’ll bet $25,000 that myballs arenot square!”The little old lady then said, “Okay, but sincethere is a lotof money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at10:00 AM asa witness?” “Sure!” replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about thebet andspent along time in front of a mirror checking his balls,turning fromside to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked themout until hewas sure there was absolutely no way his balls were squareand that hewould win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the littleold lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. Sheintroduced the lawyerto the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says thepresident’sballs are square!”

The president agreed with the bet again and the oldlady askedhim to drop hispants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls andthen askedifshe could feel them. “Well, Okay,” said the president,”$25,000 isa lot ofmoney, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”Just then, he noticed that thelawyer was quietly banging his head against thewall.

The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’sthe matterwith your lawyer?” She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000that at 10:00 AM today, I’d have The Bank of Canada’spresident’s ballsin my hand.”

A Bad Day at Work

Next time you have a bad day at work…think of thisguy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Diversin Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs onoffshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent tohis sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who wassponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needlessto say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’vebeen feeling down lately at work, so I thought I wouldshare my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s notso bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I firstmust bore you with a few technicalities of my job. Asyou know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. Iwear a suit to the office. It’s a wetsuit. This timeof year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keepwarm is this: We have a diesel powered industrialwater heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks thewater out of the sea. It heats it to a delightfultemperature. It then pumps it down to the diverthrough a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I’ve usedit several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working,is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of mywetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water.It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, myass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.This only made things worse. Within a few seconds myass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from myback, but the damage was done. In agony I realizedwhat had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish andpumped it into my suit. Now since Idon’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’tstick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not asfortunate. When I scratched what I thought was anitch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over thecommunicator. His instructions were unclear due tothe fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were alllaughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructedto make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stopstotaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surfaceto begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrivedat the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brasshelmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic,with tears of laughter running down his face, handedme a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass assoon as I get in the chamber. The cream put the fireout, but I couldn’t shit for 2 days because my assholewas swollen shut.

So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, thinkabout how much worse it would be if you had ajellyfish shoved up your ass!

1/30/02 News Exclusive from FastDates.com

News Shocker!Harley Biker takes control at Ducati NA
Is a chrome Monster Softtail in our future? After all, it’s still a V-Twin!

Exclusive!First photos of the new Vance&Hines Screamin’ Eagle V-Rod Drag Bike
Will Vance & Hines finally put Harley-Davidson back in the winner’s circle?

…all the juicy details in Pit Lane News at FastDates.comNot the normal boring stuff, just the fun stuff you really want to read and see!

http://www.FastDates.com

Blondes Beware

A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful.So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallonsof milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt theremust be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify thepoint.

The blonde came to the door and the milkmansaid: “I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk.Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?”The blonde said, “I want 15 gallons. I’m goingto fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath.”The milkman asked, “Pasteurized?”The blonde said, “No, just up to my tits.”

31 Jan 02 – For Immediate Release.

At a press conference late Monday, the CEO of Johnson Marine, makers of Johnson outboard marine engines and other recreational equipment, unveiled a new line of heavyweight cruiser style motorcycles designed to compete head to head with industry leader Harley-Davidson.

Peter Long, Johnson brands marketing manager said, “We have studied the market and determined that Harley, while highly successful, has narrowly missed the mark when targeting motorcycle buyers”. Long added, “We, at Johnson, are convinced our product hits the target dead center and promises to draw sales away from Harley-Davidson in a way no other motorcycle has been able to accomplish”.

The new line of bikes, marketed under the name ‘Big Johnson Motorcycles’, will, according to Long, deliver what Harley has only promised. “Our research show that this, a Big Johnson, is what Harley buyers are really after”.

At the unveiling of the new line Monday, several current Harley owners agreed. “When I bought my Harley, what I really needed was a Big Johnson”, said one Harley owner.” But I see now that riding a Harley is no replacement for having a Big Johnson.”

Manager Long also said that his company would follow the lead of Harley-Davidson and cash in on a huge market for non-motorcycle related products. “We realize that not every guy can have a Big Johnson”, said Long, “But image is very important to people. If they don’t have a Big Johnson, they at least want to project the image of having one.”

Asked if he anticipated Big Johnsons showing up in the hands of Harley owners, Long said it was unlikely. “I just don’t see the need to have a Harley if you have a Big Johnson”, he said. “And I can’t imagine someone who spends all their resources to acquire a Harley having a Big Johnson. I think it boils down to this – You either have a Harley, or you have a Big Johnson, but you are not likely to have both. “Given the choice”, said Long. ” I think most guys will opt for the Big Johnson”.

Another force driving sales for the company will come from women. A survey of the wives and girlfriends of nearly 1,000 potential motorcycle buyers indicates less than 5% would approve of their partner spending $15,000 on a Harley Davidson. But, when asked if they would be willing to pay the same amount of money to get their partner a Big Johnson, nearly 4 out 5 thought that would be money well spent.

One female present at the product unveiling was quoted as saying, “There is no way I will let Lonnie drop 15 grand on another one of those Harleys, but 15 grand to get him a Big Johnson? Well, that something we could both enjoy and it’s something he really needs.”

Carla Roundheel, manager of the dealership network now being established, said her motto is simple. “I service what we sell.” Big Johnson motorcycles will be traded on the stock exchange under the abbreviation P-ENVY.

Here’s what the Outhouse National’sU are all about. The fastest biketo drag the outhouse 50 feet wins

Geno

BANDIT?S CANTINA FIRST ANNIVERSARY–Yep, that?s right. The only section of this site that we charge for is now a year old. To join, it?s a mere $1.65 a month, or $20 a year. So what?s it all about? First, both of K. Randall Ball?s two books are printed in their entirety within the Cantina. Both of those books are sold out.

The first motorcycle soap opera is updated every couple weeks. There?s a babe of the day everyday and a wide selection of antiques posted daily. There are 15 chapters of Ball?s latest book printed there and you can actually watch a novel come together. In addition, if you like reading on the net, ?Sam Chopper Orwell? is also printed in Bandit?s Cantina. Check it out. You spend more than a buck sixty-five on one lousy brew. Each subscription supports Bikernet and helps us pay the overseas phone bills while he writes his fifth book.

There?s a special Sunday post weekly for Cantina members. I can?t even think of all the literary finery that?s spread throughout the Cantina. Even Jon?s illustrations are worth the membership.

UNION DUES–The Bikernet union is made up of 35,000 Cantina members, Jose and 100 riders from Puerto Rico, 2,000 Bikernet shipping employees who are mostly members of a new bike club called the Rodents, and an unnumbered group of women waiting for Bandit to come home. In a written report from the president of the IBUMF, Tramp, he said, ?There is serious consideration as to whether a strike will result due to the actions of the board.?

A Bikernet strike will result in? Well, it?s too awful to write about in a public forum. The union will meet again over the weekend so hopefully the lights will remain on for another week. Efforts have been made to contact Bandit in Singapore, but due to the high cost of our phone bills and the cute girls in Singapore, we?ve been unable to reach him. If you want to vote on this issue or support our efforts to contact Bandit, join the Cantina, quick.

-Nuttboy

We?re here to have a good time, but it is a business of sorts, and recently we?ve had some upheaval at the headquarters. During the last board meeting, Bandit?s World Wide Run Report was voted out of the Bikernet News to be placed in a separate section next to the trashcans behind the garage. The big shots at the headquarters who think they can pull the wool over the eyes of the Bikernet union workers, they?ve got another thing coming.

This type of behavior is commonplace when the big bastard is out of town. Some other punk thinks he can inch his way up the ladder. Well not so fast kimosabee, the union carries a mighty big voice in this here struggle for freedom on the Internet. We better get to the news:

STURGIS 2002–Every year there?s an effort to build something new and exciting to ride to Sturgis. The goal is to put a motorcycle together and test it on the 2,000-mile trek to the Badlands. This year there were two possibilities: A new Victory given Bandit?s touches and launched into South Dakota without smackin? a deer and a CCI bike-in-a-box. The Bikernet crew is leaning toward the bike-in-a-box. We haven’t decided on a model and would be interested in a concept and input from you guys. Let us know what you think and why.

In the meantime, check out the Victory Web site at www.victory-usa.com. It looks like the Victory is scheduled for the 2003 run.

Tattoos ? Yes We Still Want Them!

Military Pay Raise Editorial

I wanted to pass this along to all of you as I can’t imagine having the ability to restrain myself so well and express so clearly the point that is made below. There are so many ignorant people in this world it is amazing. Glenn

Military Pay Raise

Cindy Williams (Shirley from the “Laverne & Shirley” show) wrote a piece for the Washington Times denouncing the pay raise(s)coming to service members this year. She stated that the 13 percent wage gap was bogus. A young airman from Hill AFB responds to her article below. He ought to get a bonus for this!

Ms. Williams:

I just had the pleasure of reading your column of Nov. 12, “Our GIs> earn Enough” and I am a bit confused. Frankly, I’m wondering where this vaunted overpayment is going, because as far as I can tell, it disappears every month between DFAS (The Defense Finance and Accounting Service) and my bank account.

Checking my latest leave and earnings statement (LES), I see that I make $1,117.80, before taxes. After taxes, I take home $874.20. When I run that through ! Windows’ Calculator, I come up with an annual salary of $13,413.60 before taxes, and $10,490.40 after.

I work in the Air Force Network Control Center (AFNCC), where I am part of the team responsible for the administration of a 5,000-host computer network. I am involved with infrastructure segments, specifically with Cisco Systems equipment. A quick check under jobs for Network Technicians in the Washington, D.C., area reveals a position in my career field, requiring three years experience with my job. Amazingly, this job does NOT pay $13,413.60 a year, nor does it pay less than this. No, this job is being offered at $70,000 to $80,000 per annum. I’m sure you can draw the obvious conclusions.

Also, you tout increases to Basic Allowance for Housing and Basic Allowance for Subsistence (housing and food allowances, respectively) as being a further boon to an already overcompensated force. Again, I’m curious as to where this money has gone, as ! BAH and BAS were both slashed 5 percent in the Hill AFB area effective in January 2000. Given the tenor of your column, I would assume that you have NEVER had the pleasure of serving your country in her armed forces.

Before you take it upon yourself to once more castigate congressional and DOD leadership for attempting to get the families in the military’s lowest pay brackets off AFDC, WIC, and food stamps, I suggest that you join a group of deploying soldiers headed for AFGHANISTAN, I leave the choice of service branch up to you. Whatever choice you make, though, opt for the SIX month rotation: it will guarantee you the longest possible time away from your family and friends, thus giving you full “deployment experience”.

As your group prepares to board the plane, make sure to note the spouses and children who are saying good-bye to their loved ones. Also take care to note that several families are still unsure of how they’ll be able to make ends meet while the primary breadwinner is gone-obviously they’ve been squandering the vast piles of cash the DOD has been giving them. Try to deploy over a major holiday; Christmas and Thanksgiving are perennial favorites. And when you’re actually over there, sitting in a DFP (Defensive Fire Position, the modern-day foxhole), shivering against the cold desert night, and the flight sergeant tells you that there aren’t enough people on shift to relieve you for chow, remember this: trade whatever MRE (meal-ready-to-eat) you manage to get for the tuna noodle casserole or cheese tortellini, and add Tabasco to everything, This gives some ! flavor.

Talk to your loved ones as often as you are permitted; it won’t nearly be long enough or often enough, but take what you can get and be thankful for it.

You may have picked up on the fact that I disagree with most of the points you present in your op-ed piece. But, tomorrow from KABUL, I will defend to the death your right to say it.

You see, I am an American fighting man, a guarantor of your First Amendment rights and every other right you cherish. On a daily basis, my brother and sister soldiers worldwide ensure that you and people like you can thumb your collective nose at us, all on a salary that is nothing short of pitiful and under conditions that would make most people cringe. We hemorrhage our best and brightest into the private sector because we can’t offer the stability and pay of civilian companies. And you, Ms.Williams, have the gall to! say that we make more than we deserve? Rubbish!

A1C Michael Bragg, Hill AFB AFNCC

Sending Talibanis To Hell

QUOTES FROM SPORTS COMMENTATORS–

Pat Glenn – Weightlifting Commentator:
?This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria…. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing.?

Ted Walsh – Horse Racing Commentator:
?This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.?

Murray Walker – Formula One broadcaster:
?The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.?

Greg Norman:
?I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.?

Alan Minter:
?Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing – but none of them serious.?

Terry Venables:
?If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the samething again?

Ron Atkinson:
?He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn?t like it – you can see it all over their faces.?

Harry Carpenter – BBC TV Boat Race 1977:
?Ah, isn?t that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.?

Metro Radio: ?Julian Dicks is everywhere.
It?s like they?ve got eleven Dicks on the field.?

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics:
?There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class.?

US TV Commentator:
?One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… Oh my God, what have I just said??

Bikernet Caribbean Report

Reports of the third ride against cancer were all positive. More than 300motorcycles of all brands participated in the ride through the mountains ofPuerto Rico, raising funds for cancer research and patients. This is oneof the few events that mixes all kinds of clubs, organizations and bikebrands. I’m guessing there are plans to continue this ride, now if theywould call the shop and let us know about it beforehand, all would begreat. Oh well….

This weekend is the Coamo ride, a marathon event. For years thebest way to get there was by motorcycle. It has developed into the mostbikes in one place in the island, thousands of all brand bikes show up inthis southern town. The early morning ride through the Cordillera Central (ourcentral mountain range) it’s an unique experience. The cool, crisp mountainair plus hundreds of bikes on a two-lane switchback road is an adventure.Too bad the “plastic” bikes have taken over the event and messed upthe whole deal…….But still a kick ass ride.

As I said last week, we found an old chopper laying around the island. Here’s a photo. If someone recognizes this bike (used to be yellow) pleaselet us know, we are trying to find out its past. That’s Old Skool all right.We have plans to restore the bike as close as possible, e-mail if you haveseen this bike before.

I’m glad to report that we found our missing friend. He called to tellus that he saw Bikernet and we were rats, but I guessed it works (andproves that I’m not the only one reading this). The only problem is that hesaw a rerun of Jesse’s show and. The lastwords heard were his bitchin’ about being too old for a rigid, well only ifhe would give the fuckin’ bike a rest.

I tried to sneak some topless babes to Bandit. All we could manage was aphoto in the Cantina, but what a photo. Twelve, yes 12, girls inbirthday suits. Oh well, we will keep trying to sneak one by ourcensors……

This weekend, besides the Super Bowl and every other event that’s going on,it’s the Cinci dealers show. This show is all American V-Twin stuff, andseems to be growing. All the industry people we have talked to say the samething, this year will make it or break it. Indy is still the biggest dealershow, but it’s a showdown, only one can stay. Two shows in a month is toomuch. Let’s see what happens.

Next week we are going to have a trivia challenge. We will give you somequestions and you will e-mail the answers to us. The first correct answerwill receive a Chopper Freak T-shirt, brand new andunwashed, any size you like. So hone your bike, chopper, Harley buildersskill cause it’s coming down the road.

Hey we missed Bandit’s report from last week. I for one like to readthem. He?s doing a trip around the world and for most of us it’s prettyinteresting. And our readers should be stoked; he?s spending a heavy coin onthose reports, plus this is as close as some of us will be to those placeshe’s visiting. Check the newest The Horse for another article from ourshores and a few more coming up.

There will be a bunch of new products at these dealers shows, so keep youreyes peeled, since we can show them here first, way before any printedmaterial. I’m outta here. Gotta put some rigids together for that littleevent coming up, think it’s called Daytona or something like that. See ya’next week…..By the way, shithead weasels, go try do some bicycles youcopycat punks !

Jose
Caribbean Bikernet

Continued On Page 2

Continued From Page 3

We Want Your Tattoos – Keep Em’ Comin’

Thanks, jman

The Lady—
A lady walks into a shop that sells VERY expensive Persian rugs. Shebrowses around,then spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bendsover to feel thetexture of the rug, she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looksaround nervously to seeif anyone has noticed her little accident.As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

“Good day, madam. How may we help you today?”

Very uncomfortably she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovelyrug?”

In a rather uppity up, matter of fact tone, the salesman replies:”Madam, this is one of our finest and most expensive rugs. If youfarted just touching it, Iquite imagine you will probably shit when I tell you the price.”

The sailor…
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”

The girl nodded ‘yes.’ After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. >From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.

“What are you doing here?” the Captain asked.

“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”

“He sure is, lady… This is the Staten Island Ferry!”

Here’s some sneak peaks of OldWolv’s rolling chassis and Hacksaw 1969 Turbo Triumph

Top 8 Idiots of 2001—

Idiot # 1 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her thatthe ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away. Here’s your sign lady. Wear it with pride.

Idiot # 2 Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float onthe river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here’s your sign guys. Don’t get it wet, the paint might run.

Idiot# 3 – A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote & wrote; “Thisis a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seenhim write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to WellsFargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or goback to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK” and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back atBank of America. Don’t bother with this guy’s sign. He probably couldn’t readit anyway.

Idiot # 4 – A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained anotherpicture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Another sign. (Don’t know about this one… whoever heard of a speeding ticket for $40???? Try $240….)

Idiot # 5 – A Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well,but the cashier refused and said, Because I don’t believe you are over 21. The robber Said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn’t believe him. At this point the robber took his driver’s license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. (Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!)

Idiot # 6 – A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move”! When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. (This guy doesn’t need a sign,he probably figured it out himself.)

Idiot # 7 – Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. (Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!)

Idiot # 8 – Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that aman walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said hecouldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. Please note that these people are allowed to vote.

The War Of The Roses—

By the time I had rattled off all the recent news about the world of bikes, bikers and babes, new products, new features, new biker adventures, a few choice jokes and an update of Bandit’s adventures, the two derelicts were sawing logs louder than a Willamette Valley saw mill.

As I walked away from the glow of the now sputtering fire, I saw the skulking shadow of Luck as he cautiously inched closer to the unguarded bucket of prawns. As Bandit might say, snag what joys you can out of life, keep from getting a boot up the ass and ride like a screaming banshee.

Snake

Continued From Page 2

Cyril Huze 2002 Catalog
Cyril Huze just released his new catalog The 2002 edition is 80-page and features more than 550 references with, as a bonus, double spread color pictures of Cyril’s most recent custom motorcycles. A must for any individual and professional builder looking for fresh ideas and state-of-the-art custom parts & accessories.

To order a catalog, log on to http://www.cyrilhuze.com.

Cyril Huze Custom
Motorcycle & Accessories
Tel: 561-392-5557
Fax: 561-392-9923
Website: http://www.cyrilhuze.com
Webstore: http://store.cyrilhuze.com

Answer Racing is new apparel sponsor of2003 White Brothers Berm Busters Calendar
Gianatsis Design and FastDates.com, publishers of the sport’s most popular line of motorcycle racing and pinup calendars, has announced that Answer Racing, one of America’s leading manufacturers of off-road riding apparel, has joined them as apparel sponsor of the White Brothers Berm Busters Calendar beginning with the 2003 edition which goes on sale July of 2002.

Berm Busters is the top selling motocross calendar in the sport, combining exciting action shots by renown dirt bike photographer Kinney Jones of the top factory motocross and off-road racers, together with beautiful pinup model shots by fashion and editorial photographer Jim Gianatsis.

Just completed for the 2003 Berm Busters Calendar was a big photo shoot at the Gianatsis Design Studio featuring the the beautiful new Berm Buster calendar models in (and out) of Answer Racing apparel, together with the new White Brothers modified factory Honda CRF450Rs being raced by Honda’s Nathen Ramsey in AMA Supercross, and by White Brother’s current 4-stroke National Motocross Champion Spud Walters in the 2002 season outdoor AMA Nationals.

The models featured in the 2003 Berm Busters Calendar shoot included the Bentley Twins, Mandy and Sandy, who were recently featured on the cover and inside Playboy magazine and are currently on national TV entertainment and talk shows. Also at the shoot was model Taylor McKegney, a very popular FastDates.com calendar girl who has also been featured in Perfect 10 magazine and has been a World Superbike trophy girl at Laguna Seca.

In fact, the recent 2003 Berm Busters Calendar shoot was attended by a news crew from KCOP-13 television in Los Angeles, with the Bentley Twins’ calendar shoot to air on KCOP’s prime time news broadcasts during Sweeps Week in February. Pictures and a story of the shoot can also be seen on the FastDates.com website in Pit Lane News.http://www.FastDates.com/PitLaneNews.HTM

Photos from the calendar shoot, besides being featured in the 2003 Berm Busters calendar, will also be featured in Answer Racing’s 2002 national advertising campaign in dirt bike magazines magazines, as will the calendar itself. All the FastDates.com calendars including Berm Busters are found at motorcycle dealers worldwide as well as online at FastDates.com, and are available to dealers through major distributors including Tucker-Rocky, Parts Unlimited and White Brothers.

All in a name—–
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with fouryoungmothers and their small children.”You all haveobsessions,” he observed.

To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve evennamed your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money.Again, itmanifestsitself in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turned to the third mom. “Your obsession isalcohol. Again, itmanifestsitself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her littleboy by thehandandwhispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go home.

1st Date—-
Dave walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.

“Well,” replies Paul, “you know that beautiful girl at Motorola that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?”

“Yes,” replies Dave with a laugh.

“Well,” says Paul, straightening up, “I finally plucked up the courageto ask her out, and she agreed.”

“That’s great!” says Dave, “When are you going out?”

“I went to meet her this evening,” continues Paul, “but I was worriedI’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show.”

“Sensible” says Dave.

“So I get to her door,” says Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. Sheanswered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.”

“And what happened then?”

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.) “I kicked her in the face.”

Social InSecurity—-
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply forsocial security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet athome.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later”. The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.” So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” & she processed his social security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability too.”

Continued On Page 4

Continued From Page 1

FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”

How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the requiredpressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at thefront door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won’t do what she’s told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sexdrive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me “What’s on the TV?”
I said, “Dust!”

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then Godcreated Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God norMan has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Driveand said, “I haven’t eaten anything for days.”
She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”

Young Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africaa man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
Wife Wanted.” The next day he received a hundred letters. They allsaid the same thing: “You can have mine.”

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forgetit once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down thestreet with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

HARLEY-DAVIDSON HISTORY PLANS ROADTRIP ACROSS AMERICA

Harley-Davidson Announces New Traveling Museum

MILWAUKEE, WI — (January 25, 2002) Harley-Davidson is taking its history back on the road with an all-new Traveling Museum. “A Highway Through Time” will trace the history of Harley-Davidson with vintage motorcycles, clothing, and memorabilia.

“The heritage and history of Harley-Davidson is very important to us and to our riders,” said Tom Bolfert, Director of Harley-Davidson Archives. “No other motorcycle company in the world can proudly boast of a heritage as long and storied as ours.”

Scheduled to make its debut at Daytona Bike Week, March 4-10, the Traveling Museum will appear at many major motorcycle events throughout the year, including over 100 stops at Harley-Davidson dealerships throughout the country.

Bursting with artifacts and memorabilia sure to intrigue motorcycle enthusiasts of all ages, the Traveling Museum contains original vehicles dating back to 1913. Included in this year’s tour is a 1920 Harley-Davidson bicycle and a rare 1920 Sport Model, featuring a 37 cubic inch, fore and aft opposed twin cylinder engine. Absent from the show circuit in 2001, the previous Traveling Museum hosted over 3 million visitors during its twelve year run.

“This new, larger museum presents our story in a manner more consistent with our stature as the world’s premier motorcycle manufacturer. I’m confident visitors will thoroughly enjoy it,” adds Bolfert.

Harley-Davidson Motor Company, the only U.S. based motorcycle manufacturer, produces heavyweight motorcycles and a complete line of motorcycle parts, accessories and general merchandise. For more information, visit Harley-Davidson’s website at www.harley-davidson.com.

Burn Children?s Summer Camp
There is a Burned Children?s Summer Camp in Washington State called CampPhoenix, which is held on Aug 25th this year. contact is Michael425-347 or Jeep at Skagit H-D (360) 757-1515
http://www.burnfund.org/help/burncampvideo.html

About five years ago my wife Rosalie & I started attending along withthe North Cascade HOG Chapter, we took the kids for rides on theHarley. It is wonderful to put smiles on those children?s faces.

Camp Phoenix is located at the edge of some flats that wind almostthrough the pacific ocean no trees, shrubs to speak of and then youcome to a bluff and the camp is on top. Real nice spot to have a summercamp. More like it is right in the beach rather than on the beach.

The second year we attended, it was raining down in buckets. Thechildren were hanging around in the meeting hall doing art projects andplaying chess and the like when the Councilor (there are two ways tospell this word. They have different meanings, I don?t know which one iswhich, so you may see both ways in this message and you can rest assurednone of them are intended to mean an attorney) asked them what theywanted to do the first day of camp this year. All excited, they said inunison ?we want to go on Harley rides.? The councilor said ?It?s rainingreally hard, the HOG group might not be able to attend.? I?m told thechildren mumbled a little and continued to do their projects. About anhour later he said ?you could hear the thunder about a mile or so awayas 65 or 70 Harleys made their way to camp in the pouring rain. The kidsbolted to the door and waited for us outside in the rain.?

Since our first year at burn camp Rosalie & I continue to ask fellowmotorcyclists to join us at the burn camps and take the kids for a ride.

Our Vancouver CANADA HOG Chapter turns out every year to an event thatwe affectionately call the BURN CAMP RIDE. We have since gotten evolvedwith the British Columbia Professional Firefighters Burn Fund. Last yearwe got the British Columbia Hot Rod Association on board.

The Vancouver Chapter holds barbecues like when Trev Deeley Motorcycleshas a Show n? Shine, and we sell Harley-Davidson caps, & burn camp pinsand T-shirts to raise money. We use the money to buy neat things asgifts for the burned kids like super soaker water blasters, Harleybaseball caps, Harley water bottles, Burn Camp Ride Bandanas, Burn CampRide T-shirts and the like. Our local burn camp is in Brackendale BC.This year the British Columbia camp is on July 21st (contact Dave orPeter 604 436-5617 or Dan 604 984-7831).

We meet in Trev Deeley Motorcycles parking lot, where we hold a barbecueto load up on grub because it?s going to be a long day. We get a motorpolice escort from Deeley?s to the freeway and ride to the 99’er Caf?parking lot in Britannia Beach about 30 miles away along a twistyseashore/mountainous type road where we wait for the kids & councilorsto show up in their school busses. Then we escort them to camp about 15miles away.

The kids & councilors alike stow their gear in their cabins then lineup for Harley & Hot Rod rides. You can believe me when I say that nobodytakes their time. It?s like the race is on. I don?t know who is moreexcited the kids or the counselors. Personally I think it is us, themotorcyclists.

One part that I like is they jockey for rides in the sidecars (there are3 of us who usually attend with hacks) and then when they get back froma ride, they go right to the back of the line so as to go ride again.Sometimes it is difficult to get the helmet & goggles back they want torun over the next bike and go for a spin on that one. It?s great fun?

Some of these children are severely disfigured, and they are real good>at staying out of the camera lens. So it is extra special to see thoseones smiling. If we can take their mind off their problems for a fewminutes, well it?s worth all the effort. Like the song says ?sometimes we can be heroes.?

I urge you to check with the firefighters in your town to see if thereis a burn children?s summer camp near you, I know you are busy but ifyou can, please get involved.By the way, these rides are not brand specific so push pull or drag yourass on what ever you ride but please attend.

Respectfully yours,
Dan McNeil
Activities Officer
Vancouver CANADA HOG Chapter

From The Waist Down—-A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.

My Nomination for Airline Clerk of the Year—
Oh, to be able to think this fast!

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point. She was confronted with apassenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo?

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said “IHAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”

The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.” The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?” Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, “May I have your attention please, ” she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity,please come to Gate 14.”

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glaredat the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore “Fuck You!”.

Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that too.” ______

Bad to the Bone!

Continued On Page 3

“I’m just trying to find a friggin’ bottle opener, goddamn it,” I hollered back at her to no avail. Ever since Bandit bailed outta’ here for his high-seas, world-girdling adventure, the efficiency of the well-oil machine that is Bikernet, has gotten more than just a bit greasy.

Sin Wu and her pack of scantily clad, nubile nymphets frolic about, leaving lacey bras and panties hanging off of every piece of furniture, door knobs and the shower curtain rod. The Bikernet mascot and mouse-mangler, Lucky, has gone feral. Dead and half-eaten critter carcasses liter the kitchen floor. Taking his cue from Sin Wu, he sleeps all day and parties all night.

As if that wasn’t enough, last week a couple of old bike riding louts from Bandit’s sordid youth, set up a ‘squatters ‘ camp in one of the old, empty truck bodies Bandit had intended to use for storing bike parts. The two reprobates, Bubba Rutabegga and his sidekick Lemmy Homo, are real hemorrhoids.

Luckily, they keep mostly to themselves. But it’s still distracting to have them out back, hollering and cackling away as their camp fire of busted up wooden pallets they steal from the harbor, spits and crackles.

These two and their rusty rat-bikes are starting to give Bikernet a bad name with the normally tolerant neighbors. The old, stooped -over, shawl-covered Mexican grandmas who push their squeaky shopping carts the 20 blocks to the Chihuahua Mercado on Gaffey and 5th St., give Bubba the sour ‘skunk eye’ when ever they pass by him.

Last night I was working late in the Bikernet garage, trying to bring to life a pile of discarded bike parts that Bandit and Nuttboy had been collecting in a couple of cardboard boxes in the back of the garage. About 11PM I heard this hollering and clattering outside. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lemmy Homo stumbling past the garage door, his pant leg ablaze.

Apparently, the two of them had earlier scored a six-pack of Old English ‘400’. After downing the heady brew, the two of them dozed off in the warmth of the fire. Lemmy Homo had slowly rolled over into the edge of the fire. By the time his benumbed synapses had finally jolted a signal to the pain center of his pickled brain, his pant leg looked like he’d be running for the opening Olympic ceremonies at Salt Lake City.

Speakin’ of the torch, check out what our own Helen Wolfe captured runnin’ right past her shop in Washington!

I wandered outside to tell them to quiet down. I walked up to the smiling Bubba whose bulging greasy cheeks shinned in the reflected light of the campfire. He was eating from a galvanized bucket of Louisiana Cajun Buttered Prawns he had snagged from a ‘dumpster’ behind one of San Pedro’s finest fish restaurants. The bucket was precariously balanced on a couple of rocks near the licking flames of the fire.

“Hey bro, I scored a bucket of prawns. You want some?” His hammy fist dug into the steaming bucket and came up with a goodly wad of the translucent shelled, pink crustaceans. “They’s mighty tasty, bro.”

I shook my head at the pro-offered spicy delights. With a shrug, he crammed the steaming mess into his gaping mouth. Lemmy Homo came limping back, cussing and griping, to the glowing edge of the sputtering fire.

“You done dancing?” Bubba had turned to Lemmy Homo, spattering the sidekick with a confetti shower of glistening prawn exoskeleton as he spoke. Lemmy Homo ignored the sarcasm and dug a greasy mitt into the steaming bucket.

“Hey Snake, what’s new?” Bubba tilted his head sideways like the RCA dog at an old Victrola horn, listening for his master’s voice.

Keeping out of range of the prawn splatter, I clued them into the past week’s happenings.

Caribbean Bikernet Report—-
This past week we took it seriously, we mocked two bikes, yeap not one,two Baby ! The bikes are , of course, Choppers and there might be a couplesurprises for you Bikernet junkies, also our let’s save the underratedSportster is almost done and we hope to be able (if our painter gets histhumb outta his ass ) feature the improvements next week. I humbly thinkthat we did a pretty cool bike on a very limited budget.Now for this weeks very important message:

If you have see this person please contact his next of kin, he was lastseen the 13 th of January after the Jesse James show, all we know is thathe got on his chopper and was going to try ride 1,300 miles just likeJesse did on the show, Puerto Rico being only 100 miles long that means atleast a gazillion times over. We tried to put his mug on a milk carton butthe local companies are afraid of an all time low on milk sales. We’ve hadreports of a weird yellow bike zooming around our rural areas, but no proofyet, could this guy be the real and infamous Goat sucker? Guess only timewill tell. If you see this guy please call 555- Chopdude.

Hey, look what we are going to use on our next bike, yep a real, honest toGod, original, stock 1965 Panhead, yeepee !There’s nothing better looking (in the bike motor world , of course) than aPanhead , oh well, Knucks are there too, yep, that engine is 36 years oldand it’s going into a brand spankin’ new chop for Bike Week. And sohappens my new bike, well maybe for sale if the right offer is made….. Keep tuned to Bikernet. com and The Horse magazine for the outcome, it’slooking good already, yessir.

We have an update on our missing persons case, another chopper rider wasable to ride for a few miles with the missing link, err person. Chiqui, wasbreaking in his new chop when he “found” the yellow chopper at a gasstation, we are guessing the rider was taking a “leak” the they rode for 50or so miles ’till meeting the Atlantic ocean and then turning back. Ourfriend reports that Kevin, (the missing person) was wearing the sameChopper Freak t-shirt and smelly jeans that he had on the 13th. Chiqui hadto bail out of the chase since the BO was not tolerated. We will keep ourupdates in following weeks or until the missing Mad man is found.

Also the local chopper guys are telling stories of some Bikernet babespartying their asses off in Old San Juan, skimpy summer dresses andcleavage is all they can mutter after more than 62 solid hours of drinkingand partying in the super crowded streets.One of the guys, Pepe kept mumbling the word “Sin” we are still trying tofigure out if it’s what they did or who they met, all he can recall is twosexy ladies going at each other in a dark alley of the 500 year old city.The question is, could the Bikernet ladies be in two places at the sametime, or someone is not telling the truth? Maybe the boys Layla was talkingabout are actually our local ni?os.

We just scored an old chopper, sight unseen; the seller claims it’s a 53,we are picking it up and will take photos for our Bikernet readers, we seeanother project coming up, and we are going to show every step of the wayhere . I was dying to do an Old Skool chop and the sale price was way toogood to let is pass. Let’s see what’s up with that.

Oh well, we have a few things to do, like plan all this new projects andlook for the sinful Bikernet babes, besides there were no news this week,and no news is good news. Like I said we are going to change things up abit, some news, some stories, some builds, and some blatant promotion ofour shop. And since Bandit’s away in the Super Stinkpot we can get awaywith what the hell we want……….Maybe next week I can slip some nakkidchicks photos without the censor strips, yessir….

See ya’ next week, with more news and more bull……

Jose – Caribbean Bikernet report (and since Bandit’s away, fictionand sex correspondent)

Continued On Page 2

This oilpump photograph shows the vent line behind the oil pump. This is aShovelhead with an S&S pump with the feed inlet on the top plugged.We ran the feed to the bottom like old pumps to clean it up.

The oil lines on a Shovel are straight forward. There are two oilline fittings atop the oil pump cover on late model Shovel engines. Theoutside fitting is the feed oil line from the oil tank to the engine, theinside oil line is the return oil from the engine to the tank.

There isanother oil line fitting threaded into the crankacse just above the oilpump. This is the breather oil line fitting from the engine back to the oiltank. The crankcase breather fitting is located inboard of the pump on thelower curve of the cases and must be vented to the atmosphere.

There isanother threaded hole in the crankcases located on the same machined surfaceof the cases that the oil pump bolts to, this threaded hole is inboard of thepump and hard to see if the pump is already in place. This inboard hole canbe plugged, it was originally used to supply oil to the primary chaincasewhen the factory circulated the engine oil through the primary for chainlubrication. The crankcase vent fitting can be seen in the photo, it is a 45degree fitting with a length of oil line clamped to it, the line is thenrouted back under the bike.

Keep in mind that if you want to run coolers or filters to putthem in line with the main return from the top of the pump.

That’s all folks.

THE AIM/NCOM MOTORCYCLE E-NEWS SERVICE is brought to you by Aid to Injured Motorcyclists (A.I.M.) and the National Coalition of Motorcyclists (NCOM), and is sponsored by the Law Offices of Richard M. Lester. For more information, call us at 1-(800) ON-A-BIKE. Visit us on our website at

NCOM COAST TO COAST BIKER NEWS
Compiled and Edited by BILL BISH,
NATIONAL COALITION OF MOTORCYCLISTS

FEDS TO TIGHTEN MOTORCYCLE EMISSIONS Even as the federal Environmental Protection Agency finalizes their first ever emissions standards for off-road motorcycles and ATV’s, a draft proposal indicates that the EPA’s next step will be to adopt California’s tough new emissions standards for all new street motorcycles sold nationwide beginning in 2006.

Under recently enacted emissions regulations in California, beginning in 2004 new motorcycles must emit no more than 1.4 grams per kilometer of hydrocarbons and nitrogen oxides, and 12 grams per kilometer of carbon monoxide. The proposed federal standard would be the same, but would go into effect in 2006.

California’s two-tiered standard gets tougher in 2008, with a limit of 0.8 grams per kilometer of hydrocarbons and nitrogen oxides and 12 grams per kilometer of carbon monoxide. Again, the proposed federal standard would be the same, but would not go into effect until 2010.

The current federal emissions standard for on-road motorcycles is 5.0 grams per kilometer of hydrocarbons and 12 grams per kilometer of carbon monoxide.

Motorcycle manufacturers are expected to utilize fuel injection and catalytic converters in order to meet the strict new regulations.

A Public Comment period must take place before the new EPA regulations can be adopted, and the AMA, MRF and NCOM encourages all concerned motorcyclists to make their voices heard!

“OZ” ACTOR ARRESTED FOR WEARING COLORS— Chuck Zito, actor and bodyguard to the stars, was arrested and ejected from a Connecticut casino after refusing to remove his Hells Angels colors, reported the Boston Globe.

Zito, who plays prison inmate Chucky Pancamo on the critically acclaimed HBO series “Oz”, was charged with first-degree criminal trespass by state police after he refused to take off his Hells Angels jacket or to leave the Foxwoods Resort Casino.

A former bodyguard whose clients included Sylvester Stallone, Sean Penn and Charlie Sheen, Zito was at the casino at the invitation of HBO to attend the Evander Holyfield-John Ruiz WBA heavyweight fight on December 15, 2001.

Security guards immediately told Zito that no colors or gang jackets were allowed in the hall.

Casino officials asked Zito to remove his jacket, but he refused, police said. When told he would have to either remove the jacket or leave, Zito refused to do either, prompting troopers to arrest him.

Casino spokesman Bruce McDonald said Foxwoods has a rule barring patrons from wearing gang colors in the casino for fear it will incite violence. Zito was given every opportunity to remove the jacket, but refused, McDonald said

“He was very cooperative and the arrest was made without incident,” said state police Sgt. Ken Kelly. Zito posted a $500 cash bond and will return for a court appearance on the charges.

The 48-year-old actor and stunt man, whose movie credits include “Amistad”, and “Die Hard 3”, said the casino’s rule is not posted and that he believes it is discriminatory.

“We’re going to sue Foxwoods, the state police and anyone else who arrested me,” Zito told the Day of New London. “It was discrimination. They violated my civil rights and they humiliated me.”

“This is an absolute violation of my civil liberties,” said an unrelenting Zito. “I’m calling my lawyer and we’re going to get this straightened out right away. That is discrimination to say motorcycle people can’t go into a fight.”

A member of the Hells Angels for more than 22 years, Zito said he refused to take off his jacket because he was defending his beliefs.

“If a guy walks in here with a Yankees jacket, are you going to make him take it off?” he asked. “This is America, this isn’t Russia.”

FREE AT LAST!— In what hopefully will be the last chapter in the sentencing saga of Richard Aikman, the Kansas biker who received a prison sentence for wearing a belt buckle, Aikman appeared on July 18, 2001 at the Osborne County, Kansas Courthouse for his third sentencing in a possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia case which originated in 1998.

As readers may recall, Aikman was twice sentenced to jail and prison time for wearing a belt buckle displaying the words, “Sons of Silence.” The first two sentences were successfully appealed by Kansas Confederation of Clubs and A.I.M. Attorney, Keith Renner.

Both appeals centered around the sentencing court’s illegal use of Aikman’s apparel to justify enhancing Aikman’s sentence. The sentencing court maintained that Aikman’s belt buckle was indicative of gang affiliation. Even though there were no issues relating to gang affiliation, the sentencing court also found that the crimes were gang related. In the first sentencing, Aikman received one year in county jail on his misdemeanor conviction and probation on his felony conviction. After Renner appealed and succeeded in having the case remanded for resentencing, the sentencing court gave Aikman not only the year in county jail on the misdemeanor, but also gave him one year in prison on the felony, still for wearing the belt buckle.The Kansas Court of Appeals indicated in no uncertain terms in their second decision that Aikman’s rights had been violated by the sentencing court.

The second remand made it clear that Aikman should be sentenced according to the Kansas Sentencing Guidelines, which mandate probation.

In a very short hearing in the stifling heat of a rural Kansas courtroom, Chief Judge William B. Elliott placed Richard Aikman on twelve months of probation on both counts. Upon motion by attorney Renner, Judge Elliott then released Aikman from probation based upon his supervision by court services personnel for over two and one half years while he was on bond awaiting the outcome of his appeals.

Judge Elliott indicated that Aikman had more than served his sentence. Aikman was visibly relieved after living an almost three year nightmare under the threat of prison time for such minor offenses. Renner said, “I am very glad to finally see this matter put to rest. Rick Aikman has sacrificed a great deal in his fight for justice. It takes a lot of guts to stand up for what is right when your foe is the state, but Rick stood up and won this victory for all freedom loving people.”

NEWS OF THE WEIRD: BIKER FINED $103,000 FOR SPEEDING— The bursting of the tech bubble has been felt in many corners of the globe, but has it ever been an issue in traffic court? Today it was — in Helsinki, Finland — where Mr. Ansii Vanjoki appealed a fine that he received for speeding last October when he was caught on his Harley-Davidson motorcycle doing 47 miles per hour in a 31-mph zone.

What does the tech bubble have to do with this?

In Finland, speeding fines are calculated according to income. And Vanjoki, who is an executive vice president of the telecom giant, Nokia, is near the top of the income pyramid. But he argued in court that incomes at Nokia aren’t necessarily what they used to be. He claims that his fine was based on his income in 1999 when the bubble was at its height, and he cashed in on stock options for Nokia shares that were selling at about $50 a share. Today the stock closed at $21.46 a share, down 5%.

Why all the fuss? If Vanjoki doesn’t get his fine reduced, he’ll have to pay $103,000.

That’s not a typo.

That’s his fine: $103,000.

Be forewarned: If you speed on a Harley in Helsinki, you’re doing the town “high on the Hog.”
PETER NULTY, Editor
StrongSignals.com

QUOTABLE QUOTE:
“The evils of tyranny are rarely seen but by him who resists it.”
JOHN HAY, Lincoln’s Journalist

NOTE: If you would like to subscribe to the AIM/NCOM Motorcycle E-News Service, simply send a SUBSCRIBE message to aimncom@aimncom.com.

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THE FINAL CHAPTER– A dense fog sat off the coast of Egypt as we steamed close yesterday morning and delayed our entrance into the Suez Canal by a couple of hours. As we entered we experienced something we have never endured in any port in the United States or Europe. Keep in mind that this is a rat bike of a ship, and not something that should draw attention. The hull is painted a dull, spotty gray. The lettering “Leon” was hand painted by someone who had no business with a black brush. The rest of the ship is rust and 14 coats of various paints from Hamster yellow to lawn green and rust red (the Rickmers colors). Yet even with the appearance of a marijuana smuggling ship and a crew to match, we were surrounded by a flotilla of ratty skiffs to highly varnished teak wood run-abouts carrying numerous Egyptians who sold tourist packages, leather jackets, metal plates of polished bras and enamel pharaohs. They surrounded the ship as a series of broad, 50-car and 200-passenger ferries attempted to cross the canal with packs of people from one Port Said on the Egyptian side to Sinai on the other. This portion of Sinai is controlled by Egypt, while the southern portion is part of Saudi Arabia and on the east it’s part of Israel. Lots of fighting has taken place on this small chunk of land that borders the Suez Canal and is no more than a desert of rock, gravel and boulders with rugged granite peaks, ridges arid valleys and tablelands. The greater part of the peninsula is very mountainous.

The canal was opened for navigation in 1869 and engineered by the same Frenchman who began the work on the Panama Canal, which was finished by Americans and opened in 1913. By the Convention of Constantinople on Oct. 29, 1888, the Suez Canal was open to vessels of all nations and is free from blockades except during time of war. From 1956 to ’57, it was closed due to the Suez Canal Crisis because of numerous sunken wrecks. In June of ’67 it was closed again as a result of the Israeli/Arab war and not re-opened to international shipping until June 1975. Without its shipping channel from Europe to the Pacific ports, ships are forced into a long difficult and notorious trip around the southern tip of Africa. That closure was responsible for increased fuel prices due to the added transportation costs.

So I headed down the stairwell yesterday evening for dinner and discovered Egyptians selling leather jackets, trinkets, toys and tools on each level of the stairway. Each one approached me as I descended to have quiet chow in the mess hall. It was bizarre and immediately I suspected that it was some agreement with the harbor that let them storm the ship.Later I met with the captain who told me that if he didn’t allow them on board we would have serious problems getting through the canal. He told me of a story where the wives of stevedores came to the docks in Thailand everyday, cooked and sold their food to the ship crews. One particular captain told his men that they were not allowed to spend money with these people. The next day no stevedores showed up and cargo off-loading ceased until business with the ladies resumed. That cost that ship a small fortune.

It took us three and a half days to find the Suez. If we had arrived between three and five in the morning we would have sailed through. Some 25 commercial vessels are allowed through going east and 25 west daily. It’s a traffic jam of ships. Ah, but since we steamed into port in the afternoon, we were stuck for the night. We were scheduled to depart at 1 a.m., which turned into 5 a.m. and took us 10 hours to make it to the city of Suez at the end of the canal and the beginning of the Gulf of Suez, which leads into the dense Red Sea. From there to the Gulf of Aden that rounds the corner of Saudi Arabia into the Indian Ocean heading to Singapore, which will take an additional 13 days.

Day before yesterday we passed the Island of Crete off the coast of Greece. The people of the city of Iraklion, Crete, once ruled the Mediterranean. They were rich with metals and ships, but one day a massive earthquake took the city out. It is believed by a large percentage of scholars that this is the city of Atlantis 4-5000 years ago.

The captain had another story about a nearby Kasos island named after the Greek Odyssey of the Cyclops. Our captain knew another captain who ran for major on that island and won. He did it by recruiting people to come to the island and vote for him. His competition was working the same angle and hired a number of excited voters to arrive on the island via a plane from Athens. The captain got word of the ploy and called a connection at the airport. They held up the plane due to “mechanical problems” until the election was over.

Alright, that’s all the bullshit stories I have to report at this moment. I will attempt to stay on duty. In the meantime I roughed out chapter 20 of my second Chance book and chapter 17 of the first one. I’ve got to come up with some titles for these fuckin’ novels. In the meantime, get your rides ready for the summer. It’s coming on strong—Bandit.

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Puss-In-Boots In The Nude!

Well, sorta. Don?t keep scrolling down guys, you?re not going to see her ass.I put a call out last week for your pictures of tattoos. I?ve only received a couple of responses so?.. Come on you people?.. Send me your tattoos! With your submission to sinwu@bikernet.com, be sure to include your address and I’ll send you a Bikernet sticker. One of the Bikernet bitches showed hers last week so don?t be shy. Let?s have em? people.

Hey Puss, sorry I won’t be making it out your way for my birthday. Chris Chrome and some shady folks from the IMB Academy are taking me out for sushi. The Sifu’s birthday is Monday the 21st, the day before mine. He said for my birthday he won’t kick my ass. For his birthday I have to… well, I’d better not say since Bandit isn’t around. Someone keeps telling him what’s going on here. There’s a rat in the headquarters and it ain’t no female.

Layla

5 stages of sex

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period;youboth keep doing it until you’re blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage;you’ll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You’ve calmed down a bit, perhaps>> havekids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which youpasseachother in the hallway and say, “SCREW YOU!”

5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is whenyougetdivorced and your wife (or husband) screws you in front of everyoneinthecourtroom.

Quilting2friendship Fat Theology

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, “You want fries with that?”

And Man said, “Super size them.” And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.”

And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, “I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.”

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained pounds.

And God said, “You’re running up the score, Devil.”

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, “It is good.”

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

Truck Black Box

Over the last five years the NTSB has been covertly funding aproject with U.S.auto makers whereby the auto makers have been installing “black boxes”in allfour-wheel-drive pickup trucks they have manufactured. This was todetermine, infatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before thecrash. Theywere surprised that in 42 of the 50 states, the last words of the drivers in61.2 percent of thefatal crashes were, “OH SHIT!” Only the states of Arkansas, WestVirginia,Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee weredifferent,where over 89.3 percent of the final words were, “Hold my beer and watch this.”

Harley-Davidson Introduces Firefighter Special Edition–

Cast from the strong and reliable reputation of Harley-Davidson’s Touring line, the new for 2002 Harley-Davidson Firefighter Special Edition salutes the heroes who risk their lives everyday.Sporting a solid Scarlet Red paint scheme with double gold pinstripes and the renowned characteristic Harley chrome treatment, the Firefighter Special Edition FLHTC Classic Electra Glide, FLHRI Road King and FLHTCUI Ultra Classic Electra Glide are signature red fire trucks on two wheels. Powered by Harley-Davidson’s Twin Cam 88 engine, the Firefighter Special rolls with smooth, supple power. Rubber isolation mounts keep vibrations to the rider at a minimum, while the plush suspension makes the ride into the station comfortable.

Kin to the Peace Officer Special Edition models, the Firefighter Special Editions come with a decal to fit on the bike’s console describing the model as the “H-D Firefighter Special Edition”, while cast wheels finish up an aesthetic treatment that complements the touring model’s classic lines.

The honor of being a firefighter has its rewards, and the only way to order a Firefighter Special Edition is by submitting a copy of an official firefighter identification card when ordering the model through your local dealer

Harley-Davidson Motor Company, the only major U.S.-based motorcycle manufacturer, produces heavyweight motorcycles and a complete line of motorcycle parts, accessories and general merchandise. For more information, visit Harley-Davidson’s web site at www.harley-davidson.com.

BONNEVILLE SALT FLATS BOOK REPRINTED–

The Bonneville Salt Flats history book is scheduled for its thirdprinting,but will be a second edition with selected corrections. It will be a soft coveredition with a retail pricing of $24.95. This will allow more people toafford the book. The books are expected to be in the warehouse no later thanMay 2002.

On a sad note, the publisher has informed me they are allowing the hardbound edition to go out of print. In an effort to stave off the inevitable alittle while longer, I worked out a one-time opportunity to make one finalorder of hardbound books (these will also have the above mentionedcorrections) and will place the order Jan. 31.

Without making any financial commitment, I am polling interested parties todiscover what, if any, interest there would be in obtaining the finalhardbound editions of the book.

I am also ordering a limited number of unbound books that will becomespecially autographed editions available for sale at a future, undetermineddate (It’s going to take a long time to get them all signed by the racers).

If you have any interest in either the hard bound, or special autographededitions, please reply to me no later than Jan. 27.

LandSpeed Productions will be upgrading its communications network and maybe off-line for up to three weeks. The fax number will also be changing.There is no guarantee that email will be delivered to me after the 27th.When the new service is established and stabilized, contact information willbe made available.

–“LandSpeed” Louise Ann Noeth

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