New Flash – Doobies Rock And Bandit Reports In!Hey out there, all you thin-lipped, slim-hipped, tight-assed women who may frequent San Pedro’s The Spot on Pacific Avenue, this is Snake talkin’ to ya. I’ll be there next Friday night. I just got paid and I’ve got $10 more than I’m gonna keep.

I don’t know how that bastard Bandit does it. Women seem to think he’s so cool that butter won’t melt in his mouth on a hot day. It must be that Barry White baritone of his.

I figured that since he’s out of town, enjoying his world fuckin’ cruise, I could score on all the loose babes. I tried Harold’s, The Alhambra, Royale,The Spot and Rebels.Nothin’. I mean zip. I even tried to put on the charm. I treated one woman to a free beer, goddamn it. Nothin’.Bandit’s haunted every beer dive, gin mill, sleazy saloon, slap happy hour hoo haa, unfortunately his legacy lingers like bad cheese.

I’ve got news for Bandit, he ain’t the coolest dude in town?and I’ve got news for you out there in digital space?

Bandit Reports In—-

It’s 10:15 Wednesday night (EST), 70 miles outside of the Chesapeake Bay. We are rolling along at 17.4 knots with a bearing of almost due north. The seas have a gentle swell to them, but are as glassy as a mirror, reflecting a nearly orange full moon that’s almost on the water and glows like a pumpkin-colored street lamp leading ships across the Atlantic.

Despite being this far north, most of the day was spent in 80-degree weather as we made our way with the currents along the Gulf Stream.

Last Friday I awoke to what I believed was the ship getting underway after being anchored outside the mouth of the Savannah River, leading some 30 miles from our dock up the narrow river. I sat up in bed anxious to see us get underway and get into port. I had a mission, actually several. When I looked out the large brass porthole I caught the last docking moves put to the hull by a seagoing tug called General Oglethorpe. We were already in port and secured. I jumped out of the sack like a sailor who missed his watch.

I’m discovering that we are like a delivery truck for general cargo on the sea. If you need something shipped, they’ll pack it away and run it anywhere you want to go. I wonder if the factory needs a bunch of new models shipped to Germany. As it stands, once we leave Baltimore we’ll be empty during our rough seas winter Atlantic crossing. With all the cranes perched top side on this monster, we’ll be top heavy. Give us a call if you have anything to ship. We need the weight or it’s a suicide mission. There is no set schedule that doesn’t change. We had some 70,000 tons of lead in the hull of the ship and we were unloading a substantial amount at the Newport docks off Crossgate Street in Garden City at the Wentworth Port. This ship is designed to carry anything that won’t fit in a container. I suppose they didn’t pack containers full of lead bars due to the weight. Lead is nearly the heaviest metal around. There are only two heavier, mercury and osmium, a rare mercury-like substance. One set of bars strapped together with four double wide shipping straps weighs a ton. It’s about the size of a Harley engine crate.

The union dock workers took over the three 20-ton rusting cranes on the ship and began to unload one clump of lead bars at a time. But they were dismayed with the speed of the process and started to look around for alternatives. There were eight fork lifts on the dock. Fork lifts took a pack of bars from a crane drop and moved it to the center of the pier, then another moved the block of lead off the pier. Over the next four days several efforts were made to streamline the process. First fork lifts were hoisted aboard and into the bottom of the holds. They could stack the blocks over the cables. Then platforms were connected to the cranes and lowered into the holds for the fork lifts to stack on. Finally a system was brought in with two platforms that were attached by cable to another super structure that held the cables over the corners of the platforms and was connected to the crane hooks. This way the crane could drop a batch, be unhooked and hooked to another platform. While the platform on the dock was being unloaded, they loaded another one on the ship.

What was going to be a two-day operation turned into four and the captain gleefully told us each day of the new schedule. I’m discovering that as he tells us one schedule, it could change to something else, but who the fuck cares, I’m just here for the ride. Tuesday night we pulled out of Savannah about two hours late, and the brothers on the dock worked right up to the second we left. The captain informed us that our next stop was a mere 12 hours away in Newport News, Virginia, on the James River, a small port and naval town near Norfolk, an hour from Richmond. I called Lee Clemens from Departure Bike Works who has been a friend for 20 years. Lee was going to hop on his bike and come down for lunch, but when I got up this morning I hit the bridge to find out that we were still 450 miles from Newport.

When I spoke to the captain the night before, he expressed a strong desire to pour the coals to the ass end of this rust-soaked puppy. I’m one deck below the bridge in the cabin next to the captain’s. The vibration on E-deck is enough to shake my teeth loose. While on the bridge I asked him about the vibration, assuming that the main shaft was out of balance. We had just had a fire alarm go off in the engine room and the captain nervously told us that it was no big deal. Fuck, I didn’t pay any attention to the alarm. I didn’t know where to go in the event of an alarm anyway, but I assumed that someone would tell me what to do if we were floundering in the chilly Atlantic waters. At least we could go down in the Gulf Stream and be swimming in tepid waters. The clevis pins holding the life boats on this sucker have been painted a dozen times in 20 years and it would be virtually impossible to free them to lower the boats. I checked my life jacket and the rats hadn’t carried all the stuffing away to make their nests.

The captain straightened me out on the vibration, I think. He had stoked the fires below because he was trying to build speed against the current. Since we were running hard in shallow waters leading out of the harbor, the close bottom enhanced the vibration. The hatches up and down the halls clinked and rattled like old ice machines. We were on two missions: One, to avoid a tropical storm that was whipping its way toward the coast. The other was to get this creaking bastard into Newport to have one of the holds industrially cleaned after the fire in Japan.

I got the hell off in Savannah on the day of the Hog Chapter Toy Run to Old Town Savannah and was able to catch the Christmas parade on River Street, beside the river. As the girls danced past in their tights, I remembered my mission, to find a whore house on the streets that just 20 years ago were crowded with prostitutes. Hell, River Street was made of rectangular granite stones that were used as ballast on ships coming from Europe to grab a load of cotton for the English crowd. Oglethorpe founded Savannah, but couldn’t own land due to his contract. Each guy who wanted to make a life in Savannah and guard the north from the Spanish to the south was given 50 acres and a cow for a start. After the Civil War, General Sherman promised blacks 40 acres and a cow to help them get started once they were freed but that deal was never implemented.

The history in Savannah was incredible, and I can’t remember half of what I learned, but here’s a tidbit: Oglethorpe was a brother. While he was here in America, a friend of his went broke in England and they threw him in debtors’ prison, where he died of small pox. When Oglethorpe found out, it pissed him off and he offered to take debtors to America to keep them out of prisons. The English government was cool with the idea because they didn’t have to house the prisoners, but they had a stipulation that the people still needed to pay their debts. When they arrived in the colonies, Oglethorpe’s crew took plaster prints of their teeth and put them to work in the city doing servant work (he wouldn’t allow slaves in town). They worked like that for four to seven years to pay off their debts, and then they could have their 50 acres and Betsy. That’s where the term indentured servants came from.

I’m proud to announce that last night while we tossed and turned on the briny Atlantic that I finished the fifth chapter of the second book of the Chance series. Maybe we should go ahead and launch chapters in the Cantina. Let me know what you think. This shit is steamy and I don’t mean the fuckin’ boiler room.

The schedule right now claims that we will only be in Newport News for six hours before heading up to Baltimore on the Chesapeake for several days. Then we’ll head across the Atlantic for Germany. I’ll report in after a couple days.

On To Page 2

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With bike builders seemingly dropping from the trees these days, it gets harder and harder to stand out. Chica of Chica Custom Cycles in Huntington Beach, Calif., doesn’t have that problem. His wide array of unique creations is distinctive enough to get noticed, even among the endless displays at the Indy Dealer Expo and Pomona Easyriders Show, where he took a third place for best of show against other West Coast heavyweights.   A few years ago, I saw one of his bikes in a magazine and I was blown away. It was a clean, mean scoot that looked like it meant business.   Chica hails from southern Japan. He started out as a Honda mechanic whose hobby was Harleys. After a few years of turning wrenches for Honda, he started working toward his dream. He and few friends opened up Chica Motorcycle Service. They did mostly service work, not much custom work. But the ideas were brewing and when the opportunity came to move to the States, Chica packed up his wife and kid and moved to Diamond Bar, Calif., where he worked in a friend’s shop. After a year and a half, he decided he could build bikes on his own, bringing his designs to life. It was at that time that Chica met Don Millhouse, who worked for a company that exported aftermarket parts to Japan. Chica built bikes in his garage while Don exported parts from his. They outgrew their garages after six months and opened Chica Custom Cycles in Huntington Beach. That was five years ago.   Chica’s favorite H-D is the original 1946-47 Knucklehead. But his design ideas are pure late ’60’s-1970s with a surreal twist. Most of the bikes he builds are rigids.   He also likes the flat track racer look, like his creation for Chrome Specialties’ Trick.   Both ‘Trick’ and another of Chica’s creations ‘Mighty Quick’ can be seen in Bikernet’s Bike Barn and on the cover of the Chrome Specialties 2001 Catalog.   Chica gets a lot of his ideas from old chopper magazines and experimentation, improving on the old style, adding his own custom-made parts and touches. The swirled glass knob on the jockey shifter of his Lava bike and the radical gas tank and kick-ass pipes on his ‘Mighty Quick’ bike are good examples of that. It takes a lot of time to create a Chica custom. He’ll put in countless hours creating a part and trying it on a bike, only to toss it on the scrap heap if it doesn’t look just the way he wants. Then he’ll do “it” all over again. His Bauhaus Bobber Knucklehead springer is a good example of hours of experimenting. He pounded out the raw tanks and fenders himself. They looked rough, but it was the effect he was after. The bike got a lot of notoriety. Chica has never kept any of the bikes he’s built. It’s hard for him to fall in love with a particular creation because as soon as he finishes one, he’s already onto the next. From hard, mean-looking fat bikes to lean, long springers, Chica’s work runs a wide range. Chica is a workaholic in love with his work. He has a welder to take care of the welding duties but he does all the design and assembly himself, putting out two to three customs a month. His sales to Japan keep one salesman busy full time. Chica and company have just about outgrown their 2,400-square-foot shop and are currently on the lookout for new digs. They’re starting to manufacture their line of parts–frames, gas and oil tanks, fenders, springers, etc.–which will be available through Chrome Specialties.   His crew is pretty excited about their latest project, a stretched out, dragster-styled Softail. It has a custom, cradled frame, 200 tire, narrow-glide duel disc front end and PM brakes. All the sheet metal is custom made.   Check out the wild springer in the background. He’s going after a long, low look. But the biggest change about this bike is that he’s using an Evo motor instead of the older Shovels, Pans and Knucks he’s known for. If you want to see his work in person, Chica will be at Sturgis and the Mikuni show. ‘Trick’ and ‘Mighty Quick’ can be seen at the Chrome Specialties display in Laughlin on April 25-29, in Myrtle Beach on May 14-20, at the Republic of Texas Rally on June 1-3, at the Rocky Mountain Motorcycle Rally on June 29-July 1, at Sturgis on Aug. 6-12, at the Four Corners Rally on Aug. 30-Sept. 2, at Street Vibrations on Sept. 20-23, at Biketoberfest on Oct. 18-21, and at the Love Ride on Nov. 11. Need a Chica custom of your own? Give them a call at (714) 842-9587. –Crazyhorse

NEWS FLASH —- BANDIT LOST AT SEA (CONTINUED)

Continued From Page 1

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Have you heard the news? They found bin Ladin!They dumped Viagra all over Afghanistan and that little prick just poppedright up!

Don’t know how true this is, but it gives one pause.
You know, it’s funny. I remember very vividly the Oliver North hearings, butdid not recall the name of Osama bin Laden as the terrorist that North wasthreatened by. Has this slime ball been around that long? It’s prettyevident, in hindsight, that we should have listened to OLLIE!

This is from a clip of a video of Oliver North during the Iran-Contra dealsduring the Reagan Administration.

There was Ollie in front of God and country getting the third. But what hesaid stunned me. He was being drilled by some senator I didn’t recognize whoasked him;
‘Did you not recently spend close to $60,000 for a home securitysystem?’
Oliver replied, ‘Yes I did, sir.’
The senator continued, trying to get a laugh out of the audience,
‘Isn’t thisjust a little excessive?’
‘No sir,’ continued Oliver.
‘No. And why not?’
‘Because the lives of my family and I were threatened.’
‘Threatened? By who.’
‘By a terrorist, sir.’
‘Terrorist? What terrorist could possibly scare you that much?’
‘His name is Osama bin Laden.’

At this point the senator tried to repeat the name but couldn’t pronounceit, which most people back then probably couldn’t. A couple of people laughedat the attempt. Then the senator continued.
‘Why are you so afraid of thisman?’
‘Because sir, he is the most evil person alive that I know of.’
‘And what do you recommend we do about him?’
‘If it were me I would recommend an assassin team be formed to eliminate himand his men from the face of the earth.’

The senator disagreed with this approach and that was all they showed of theclip.

It’s scary when you think 15 years ago the government was aware of Osama binLaden and his potential threat to the security of the world.I guess like all great tyrants, they start small but if left untended spreadlike the virus they truly are.

Rogue-

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Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions, like, Whatis a sonofabitch? And we wax philosophic with metaphysical postulations,incomplete aphorisms and inconsistent sophism that make one more andmore sure that the only true thing is that a picture is worth a thousandwords.

In this photo, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in midstof a deactivation. The guy behind him, well, he’s a sonofabitch.

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Bikernet Caribbean Report—We are guessing Bandit’s already cruising the Caribbean Sea in the USSRustbucket on his way to Panama. I hope his stomach is strong cause theweather is anything but nice this time of year. Looking at what’s goingon in the West, seems like it’s colder than a seal’s butt, and all thatweather rolls down in waves and rain to this part of the world. All we cando is wish him the best luck ever.As life goes, everyone is freezing in the North and now our best ridingseason starts, cooler weather and less rain , ’till the cold fronts come,makes our riding very pleasant. Rides and more rides are starting todevelop for the season. Every Sunday we can find an event going onsomewhere in the island (too bad we still have tons of work) but ourcustomers come into the shop and tell us about their rides. Maybe what I’mtrying to say is that Christmas is the best time ever for us in PuertoRico, we get to see a lot of friends, party and ride around if we have anyfree time, plus the shop does better and better. Maybe I will sound like atourism board TV ad, but if you wanna get out of the miserable cold,consider San Juan, and if you do, please come by the shop, we will point youin the right direction.The guy that was buying the WCC chopper featured here in Bikernet hasbacked out, so the bike is for sale. Please let us know if interested, weare asking $30,000. The bike will be featured in an upcoming The Horseissue.

We are featuring our line of T-shirts, Chopper Freak. They areavailable for $20, including shipping. All shirts areavailable in medium, large and XL. Call at (787) 721-0633 or e-mail toDemiguel@ compuserve.com to order.

Watch out for the upcoming hubless wheel from Choppers Inc. Billy did somepretty trick stuff to it. My guess is that it will be featured in The Horsepretty soon.

We received a call from our Curacao friends, who are planning a three-day ridein late March. We will try our best to attend and will make sure to reportevery detail here on Bikernet.

We just got news that the next HOG Caribbean Rally will take place in theDominican Republic. It sounds like a fresh change and knowing our islandneighbors, they will go all out to make all the attendees more than athome.

Well guys, that?s about it. I will go check the new Bourget’s factory and postsome photos next week. The cheapo chopper is on the welding process sothere?s nothing new, WCC No. 2 will be out of the paint booth by this weekendand the final assembly will start.

Take care and see ya next week…….Weasels, you can fool some people some of the time, but can’t fool all thepeople all the time.

Jose – Caribbean Bikernet Report

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A man asked his wife, “If you could have anything in the world for oneday, what would you want?””I’d love to be six again,” she replied. On the morning of her birthday, hegot her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. Whataday! He put her on every ride in the park: The Death Slide, TheScreamingLoop, The Wall of Fear, everything there was. Wow!Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling andher stomach upside down. Off to McDonald’s they went, where herhusband ordered her a Big Mac, extra fries and a refreshingchocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywoodblockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & Ms. What a fabulousadventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed intobed.He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what did it feel likebeingsix again?” She opened one eye and looked at him and said “You idiot! Imeant my dress size!”

The moral of this story is:
“If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, He’ll still get itwrong!”

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Beware Of The Budweiser Frog! — Someone is sending out a very cute screensaver of the Budweiser Frogs.

If you download it, you will lose everything! Your hard drive will crashand someone from the Internet will get your screen name and password! DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! It just went into circulation yesterday. Please distribute this message.

This is a new, very malicious virus and not many people know about it. This information was announced yesterday morning from Microsoft. Please share it with everyone that might access the Internet.

Once again, Pass This Along To EVERYONE in your address book so that this may be stopped. AOL has said that this is a very dangerous virus and that there is NO remedy for it at this time. This is VERY important. If you receive a screen saver from a friend or anyone you may not know with the Budweiser Frogs in it, DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT OR OPEN THE FILE! Press the forward button on your e-mail program and send this notice to EVERYONE you know. Let’s keep our e-mail safe for everyone.

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The Golden Phone— An author decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would work his way across the country.

On his first day, he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read “$10,000 per call.”The author, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000, you could talk to God. The author thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. “OK, thank you,” said the author.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington, D.C., Philadelphia, Boston, New York and all the way to Anchorage. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same “$10,000 per call” sign under it.

The author, upon leaving Alaska, saw a poster for Hawaii and decided to see if people in Hawaii also had the same phone. He arrived in Honolulu, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read “10 cents per call.”The author was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. “Father, I’ve traveled all over America and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in every state, the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?”

The priest smiled and answered, “You’re in Hawaii now son, it’s a local call.”

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FINAL REPORT — This report is coming to you off the coast of Florida somewhere between Miami and Orlando. I’ll be pulling into Savannah tomorrow morning for some pecan pie. You are getting this jumbled mess through a world wide iridium satellite phone and modem. These reports will come to you from wherever I am as we truck across the Atlantic to Hamburg and Italy and through the Med to the Suez Canal. Stay tuned.

Now go for a ride and have a beer on me, goddamnit.

–Bandit

BIKERNET NEWS FLASH—BANDIT LOST AT SEAIt was time to roll. Layla was getting on my case, Sin Wu wasn’t satisfied with just lunch quickies, and Coral, well, I won’t go there. It was time to pack my sea bag and make for the coast. I hadn’t hit an airport since the terrorist attacks and completely agree with what the government is doing to develop proper security measures. I was searched three times and my bags were ineffectively searched. It prompted an idea for a business. It may be that in the future the baggage search business will need to be taken off airport sites. Here’s my idea: What if you had your bags searched, certified and taken to the airport by another company? Then when you get there, you’re body searched and you go. As in the past, the people doing the searching are far too overwhelmed to handle the job effectively. I was also searched before boarding the plane, again ineffectively.

When I arrived in Houston, the cabby didn’t want to admit that he knew where the port was or how to get there. He nervously drove through the gates and down to the docks. It was dark and the docks were poorly marked, so we had to find markings on some of the ships. Actually, some were such rust buckets that markings and names were difficult to find. We finally reached the scow Leon, which was tied up beside collapsing buildings and next to a dock strewn with busted pallets and battered fork lifts. Some military construction equipment painted a dark green with camouflage treatment sat next to the ship with flat tires.

The cabby nervously waited beside his van as I unloaded my bags. Three short Filipinos in grease-soaked overalls ran down the rattling gang plank to snatch up my bags. I asked the cabby to hang to take me to town for grub, but he refused. As soon as my last bag was gone, he jumped back in his vehicle and split without even charging me. I didn’t even have a knife on me; they were still in my bags.

The gangplank was the first indication of the quality of vessel I was escaping on. It was constructed from aluminum angle iron some 30 years ago. The damn thing was only about a foot and a half wide. As it deteriorated, pieces of mild steel angle iron were bolted across it for strength and to keep crew from slipping. Even wood was screwed to it to fill holes. There were no railings, just rope pulled through rings andold netting that wouldn’t prevent anything from falling into the oily sewage between the ship and the pier.

The ship is 584 feet long and 85 feet wide. It belongs to the historic Rickmier line out of Hamburg Germany, but doesn’t carry a usual Rickmers name. The more I saw of the ship the more I knew why. Tramp Steamer is an accurate description. The first night aboard someone left the air conditioning on all night and we about froze to death. The next night the crew tried to cook us in our cabins. The officers are polish and the crew Philippino. The Captain speaks broken English and so does the steward. The Phillipinos don’t speak Polish and the Poles don’t speak Phillipino. This particular ships has six cranes and the same number of holds and each hold has several layers. It’s a general cargo ship which means it packs anything and everything all over the world. If they can hoist the motherfucker on board, they’ll take it. If there’s not room in the holds and they can strap it to the deck, they will. This in not generally a container ship, so it usually spends more time in port off-loading and loading more goods.

They were scheduled to depart on Tuesday and I was originaly planning to arrive on Monday and going to have dinner withBilly Tinney, the editor of Tattoo Magazine Monday, who lives in Houston and should be editing a magazine on antique gun sales. It’s better that I arrived on Saturday. Sunday after setting up my cabin I took a bus to downtown through the ghetto to the upscale shopping area to buy some much needed communications equipment and gym equipment for my cabin. Monday afternoon the Captain anxiously announced with five minutes notice that we were pulling out. We yanked for the docks by a tug and headed out the canal past Galveston and the Battleship Texas Memorial and into the Gulf of Mexico.

We better get to the news:

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DEAR BIKER ABBY– Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing — your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closertogether.

Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friendswithout you. If you’re still not sure then just perform oral on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Sperm can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook himanice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Anight out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it’s a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happyhe is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when hegets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him anice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much asyou should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood.

Stop beingso selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral on himand cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep never giving me one.

A: I’m not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you’ve forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

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This is pretty good:
This was in the Washington Post… the title of the article was “BestCome Back Line Ever.”

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence,22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at11:38 p.m. on Friday.
Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, publicindecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse onMonday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decidedto stop. “You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there wasno one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t,” hestated in a phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulledover to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt wasappropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfyhis alleged “need”. “Guess I was just really into it, you know?” he commented with evidentembarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett Countypolice car approaching and was unaware of his audience until OfficerBrenda Taylor approached him.

“It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said Officer Taylor. “Iwalked up to (Lawrence) and he’s… just working away at this pumpkin.” Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.”I just went up and said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that youare copulating with a pumpkin?'” He froze and was clearly very surprisedthat I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, “Apumpkin? Damn …is it midnight already?”

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Hey…Here’s some shots from our next issue, the James Gang shot is going on the cover. We shot Jesse and Gang in Cali a few months ago with his newest creation and some fox he found. There is also a very inside interview with Jesse and Frank Kozik. Its a killer issue as usual.
Geno “the pusha”

The Horse Rules

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Cantina Soap Opera– Chapters are rolling in and the Cantina is heating up. You may not want to miss the action. Keep in mind that there’s a couple of writers involved in this program, so if she’s got blue eyes and long red hair in one chapter and she’s a short haired big titted dyke in the next I’m innocent.

Here are the latest Cantina winners. These lucky people win an signed copy of Orwell just for signing up in the Cantina.
Brian Rodgers of Allentown, PA
Terry & Julie McCarty of Bethpage TN
Wayne Wheat of Odessa, TX
Bern Meighen of Canton, Ohio

We also have a winner of the Cantina Door Prize Giveaway.
Thomas Brown wanted Bandit’s mouse pad since he won’t be around to use it. O.K. Brian, you got it. Don’t complain about the dirt on it because you could have asked for a new one. But Bandit’s old one it will be.

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A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart’sbirthday and as they had not been dating very long, after carefulconsideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom’s and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, theclerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheartgot the panties.

Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: “I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but shewears short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearingfor the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yourson for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contactwith them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

All my love. P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Narrows Saloon Calendar, Featuring Donnie Smith Custom Motorcycles
Top quality 17×24 – 12 month calendar features beautiful Minnesota locations, models and the extraodinary craftsmanship of Master Motorcycle Builder Donnie Smith.

An industry legend since 1971. Minnesota based Donnie Smith and his custom motorcycles have been feature in nearly every motorcycle publication both nationally and internationally as a master builder an patent holder. Named to the Sturgis National Hall of fame in 1995, Donnie Smith is not only tops in his field, but a great Minnesota institution.

Celebrate the open road, cool bikes and hot babes with this stunningly beautiful limited edition calendar.
Coming soon to The Bikernet Gift Shop! Watch for them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When in Santa Paula, CA.,

You have to visit the California Oil Museum. Featuring “Bikes And Badges” Motorcycles of the Police & Military.

Exhibit runs from Nov. 4th. to Feb. 22, 2002.

We have two pair of Gift Passes to the first two emails two sinwu@earthlink.net. (Submit only if you know you can make it.)

Enjoy!

Continued On Page 2

BIKERNET NEWS FLASH–U.S. SUPREME COURT APPROVES ROADBLOCKS, BIKERS RECEIVE ANTI-DISCRIMINATION SUPPORT

Hey, I wish I knew what was up. Yesterday, I was minding my own business scrambling through another colorful day on the coast when Nuttboy showed up for lunch. Sin Wu was at the pad and we were taking care of some business. Nuttboy and I usually go to lunch once a week to discuss book ideas, creative projects for the site and story lines for the Cantina drama, our Bikernet soap opera. Sin Wu knows our schedule, but I could tell by the glint in her college co-ed eyes that something was amiss.

You know the feeling when a woman gives you that look, or doesn’t look at all, and her words become short and quiet. So I asked her if she wanted us to pick something up for her. No answer. Here’s a shot of her two years ago in Japan, before her boob job.

So Nuttboy and I stomped out of the headquarters. I only got a block away before my cell phone rang. I didn’t want to answer it and have my day ruined by another psycho broad, but I pressed the button.

“You ruined my day,” was how she initiated the conversation. “I want sex and there’s no food in the house. You’re leaving for months and I won’t have you. I mad. Don’t say anything to Nuttboy.”

Hell, I didn’t know what to say and thought better than to add to the conversation.

“I hanging up now,” she said, and the phone went dead.

I ground my teeth and we continued down the road to the Lighthouse Cafe, where Nuttboy and I debated the direction of the Cantina drama. I tried to hold down a discussion while thinking that I should be back at the Bikernet headquarters strapping the help to the bed. Women. Let’s get to the news, but later I’ll throw some ideas out that Nuttboy and I discussed for the “Chance Goes to sea” book.

BIKER ELECTED MAYOR– The Bikernet Digital Gangster is fighting off a group trying to put a casino in his back yard. Got a biker mayor named Fuzzy in Snoqualmie. He’s trying save the bears. Way to go Digital! – Helen

NCOM COAST-TO-COAST BIKER NEWS–Compiled and Edited by BILL BISH,NATIONAL COALITION OF MOTORCYCLISTS. Here are some briefs from the NCOM Biker news. For the full stories go to Bikers’ Rights on Bikernet:

OHIO CONSIDERS BIKER ANTI-DISCRIMINATION BILL. As fall comes into full swing, the legislative staff of the Ohio Motorcyclists Coalition has been hard at work through the summer advancing the cause of equal access for all motorcyclists. House Bill 238, which seeks to outlaw discrimination against motorcyclists, now has the support of at least 24 Ohio representatives, and it has passed its first sponsors hearing.

U.S. SUPREME COURT APPROVES ROADBLOCKS The U.S. Supreme Court concluded that it is constitutional for law enforcement officers to set up roadblocks to randomly check motorists and other road users for proper driver’s licenses.

S.C. SUPREME COURT HEARS TATTOO CASE South Carolina’s highest court heard a challenge to the state’s tattooing ban, focusing on whether the practice is an issue of free speech or public health, reports the Associated Press.

HORSE MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS AVAILABLE ON BIKERNET–Yep, that’s right, and if you like homebuilt bikes, Triumphs and choppers, this is the mag for you.

“Here’s a shirt we are coming out with next week (kozik design),” said Geno, the art director, during a drunken party in the Keys.

Below is a teaser of an upcoming cover of the HORSE. Don’t miss it.

Two twin lovelies are two issues away. (Jesse is on the next cover, then the Biktoberfest cover.) Here’s the cover chick for the next issue that was printed yesterday and goes on sale Dec. 24.

Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a roomtogether?

A: 100 people who don’t do dick.

–from Hamster Terry

DONNIE SMITH FRONT END?–Donnie Smith, notoriously famous bike builder from Minneapolis, has developed the first girder front end in two decades. Two years ago in Sturgis he unveiled the prototypes. We’re not sure that this is one of his units, but we’re checking.

The above shot came from Rogue. “Check out the front suspension (along with the RevTech calipers and wheels) on this 2500cc V-Twin.” Rogue’

SLOW BUT SURE DRAGS COVERAGE– The Woodburn?ladders are posted in the “Down the Track” section. I’ll be working on the Las Vegas race over the next month or two. The digital camera worked real well for its first time out at Vegas and it worked great at the Guggenheim’s “Art of the Motorcycle”. As for the points, you’ll have to go to the AHDRA website for the final results of the 2001 race season at www.AHDRA.com.

Top 10 Excuses Not To Exhibit At Intermot: The Largest Motorcycle ShowIn The World–

10. I am allergic to pretzels.
9. Germans do not believe in “lite beer.”
8. I look foolish in lederhosen.
7. Cuckoo clocks give me a headache
6. I have trouble pronouncing “Aufwiedersehen.”
5. I yodel off key.
4. I cannot spell October with a “k”.
3. The animal rights group I support will not permit me to eat wienerschnitzel.
2. I’m scared to ride my bike on the Autobahn and I can’t admit it.
1. It’s too expensive, I don’t have distributors and I don’t know how.

We can’t overcome reasons 2 through 10, but we can help you live up to yourfull marketing potential in a worldwide forum. As the Global ProjectDirector for Munich Trade Fairs North America, I am constantly hearingcreative excuses why companies do not want to go abroad to exhibit at atrade show. The fact of the matter is that most people who have neverbeen to Europe for business are afraid of the unknown. That is wherewe come in.

Intermot Facts:
1,100 exhibitors
150,000 visitors
82 countries
2,000 journalists
Bikers Camp
Sept. 17-22, 2002, during Oktoberfest!

Our USA pavilion is the perfect way for companies to gain internationalexposure without exhausting all of their resources. We provide thebooth, furnishings, carpeting, electrical services, access totranslators and the use of the USA exhibitor lounge starting at justunder $5,000.

Melanie Pelouze

Global Project Director
Munich Trade Fairs North America Corp.
120 South Riverside Plaza, Suite 1460
Chicago, Ill. 60606 USA
Direct: +1-312-377-2650
Fax: +1-312-377-2660
mpelouze@munichtradefairs.com
www.munichtradefairs.com

Here’s how rumors get started.

POLICE STATE THREAT– By Kelly Patricia O’Meara

If the United States is at war against terrorism to preserve freedom,a new coalition of conservatives and liberals is asking, why is it doing soby wholesale abrogation of civil liberties? They cite the Halloween-weekpassage of the antiterrorism bill – a new law that carries the almostpreposterously gimmicky title: “Uniting and Strengthening America byProviding Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct TerrorismAct” (USA PATRIOT Act). Critics both left and right are saying it not onlystrips Americans of fundamental rights but does little or nothing to securethe nation from terrorist attacks.

Rep. Ron Paul of Texas, one of only three Republican lawmakers tobuckthe House leadership and the Bush administration to vote against thislegislation, is outraged not only by what is contained in the antiterrorismbill but also by the effort to stigmatize opponents. Paul tells Insight,”The insult is to call this a ‘patriot bill’ and suggest I’m not patrioticbecause I insisted upon finding out what is in it and voting no. I thoughtit was undermining the Constitution, so I didn’t vote for it – and thereforeI’m somehow not a patriot. That’s insulting.”

Paul confirms rumors circulating in Washington that this sweeping newlaw, with serious implications for each and every American, was not madeavailable to members of Congress for review before the vote. “It’s myunderstanding the bill wasn’t printed before the vote – at least I couldn’tget it. They played all kinds of games, kept the House in session all night,and it was a very complicated bill. Maybe a handful of staffers actuallyread it, but the bill definitely was not available to members before thevote.”

GETTING THE MONEY– We’ve all heard the phrase “you learn something new everyday.” Well,here’s today’s lesson: Think before you speak! This actually happened at Harvard University in October last year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A female freshmanraised her hand and asked, “If I understand, you’re saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?”

“That’s correct,” responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?”

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl’s face turned bright red and, as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor’s reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question. “It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day.”

Continued On Page 2

BIKERNET NEWS FLASH–THANKSGIVING TRIBUTE TO ALL THOSE FIGHTING TERRORISM (CONTINUED)

Contiunued from Page 2

BIKERNET PARTY RESEARCH REPORT–This is the beauty of science, the ability to explain a naturalphenomenon…

I have not seen anyone explain this as well as Cliff Clavin on thesitcom “Cheers.” One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining theBuffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. And here’s how it went:

“Well ya see Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only moveas fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it isthe slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. Thisnatural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because thegeneral speed and health of the whole group keeps improving bythe regular killing of the weakest members.”

“In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fastas the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we allknow, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest andweakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beereliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster andmore efficient machine.”

“That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”

–from Geno, HORSE magazine

HOG WEBSITE SUMMARY–Efforts are under way to create a Web site that lists some of thebest bike runs in several areas of the U.S.

Your input will make this one of the foremost sources for rideideas that can be shared by all who enjoy our enthusiasm for aride on a Big Twin! WE HAVE NO RUNS IN YOUR AREA!

Simply think about your best run of the season and give us a setof directions that will take others through the twists and turnsof the run you recommend. We’ll name it after you or keep itanonymous, whatever you prefer. PASS THIS E-MAIL ALONG TO A FRIEND!

Here is an entry form to send your ideas!http://www.shipyourbike.com/Submit_Ride.htm

After we have collected a good number of these we will post themall at http://www.GreatBikeRuns.com

It’s a FREE site for all bikers to use. There are some rides posted already if you want to take apeak.

Lovely Lady In The NewsLaurie Sumrall, last year?s Love Ride winner of the 2001 Harley Ford Truck.Check out how a ?queen for a day? spent her Love Ride 2001 weekend.

We all stayed at the Glendale Hilton. Friday we did a private thing at theLA Zoo with the 2002 trucks, then at 3 p.m. the limos picked us up and took us to the Jay Leno show.

From there we went to City Walk to Buca something-Italian food, last thing we did was BB King’s place. Saturday we had anunofficial reunion ride. It was the same run we did in the summer with thetrucks; they wanted to do it backwards on bikes. They had Road Captainscome down from Ventura H-D and help us out.

We started at the hotel, fromthere Malibu Inn for breakfast, we rode the canyons for about an hour,stopped at Neptune’s Net, headed to Ventura H-D, then back to the hotel toget clean, warm and party. woooo hoo.

Sunday was totally cool too. We had to be out front of the hotel by 7, thepolice escort led us to Glendale H-D and parked us. From Glendale the escortled us all the way to the lake and we parked in the VIP section, soakingwet of course, and my bike wanted to die halfway there, but it came back toits senses. We had to ring ourselves out, then headed for food and beer.We kinda all hung out, all day, all over!

You know who else was with us? Frank and Ivonne, the ones who purchased the Jay LenoH-D truck and his bike that all the stars signed. Very nice, down-to-earth people.

Oh! I almost forgot, George took me on stage and introduced me as last year’s winner. Funny, huh?

STOP THE PRESSES–In fact shut the bastards off and go for a ride. Nuttboy and I finally solved all the problems with the Cantina drama, and if he remembers the clues through the weekend, we’ll be blessed. We also stumbled on a notion for the second Chance Hogan book based on the tramp freighter cruise I’m taking. Check this out and let me know what you think.

There are some 12 chapters of the first Chance Hogan book in the Cantina. Keep in mind that it’s still a work-in-progress and may change drastically before it’s published. Generally I feel that it’s coming together and plan to finish it within the first month or so on the high seas, but there’s got to be another Chance saga developed during the world-over tour.

Ya see, Chance is a biker who’s trying to find his way as a lover and a non-stop rider. He hasn’t much ambition but a lot of heart. All he has to his name is his motorcycle and an unstoppable drive to find the right woman. San Pedro and women almost kill him in the first book. Perhaps as the second book opens he finds himself hooked up with a girl much like this.

A woman who can tear his heart strings from his chest and tie them into knots. He follows her to the dark side of the harbor where she’s kidnapped aboard a freighter. He has no choice but to load his scooter on the next ship bound for Europe and try to find her.

Do you think that will fly? Have a helluva weekend and a fantastic Thanksgiving. And for all the brothers and sisters involved in the terrorist war, whether it’s pushing papers and ordering supplies here or fighting on the sands of Afghanistan, many thanks. The free world respects everything you do.–Bandit

BIKERNET NEWS FLASH–THANKSGIVING TRIBUTE TO ALL THOSE FIGHTING TERRORISM

Continued From Page 1

BIKERNET CARIBBEAN REPORT–We took the weekend to “organize” the shop; large plastic bins were filledwith parts and more parts, lots of stuff for Pans and Shovels as well asEvos. Amazing what you can gather in years of work, saving most of itfor the day you might need it. I have learned the lesson: throw somethingaway and you will need it the following day, so we keep saving stuff. Thisgave us an idea: build a chopper with the stuff we had lying around,except motor, tranny and frame.Let’s see how inexpensive the end product will be. We will post it here assoon as we have something to photograph.

And now to the news:This past Sunday there was a ride against cancer, yep the Big C. Reportsclaim over 300 motorcycles showed up (all brands) and ended up in theeastern town of Fajardo.

Today the Caribbean HOG rally starts. I will get the report of the ride atnight. The event started yesterday with a welcome party andinscriptions, sure we missed it, we were pretty busy at the shop.

We heard a rumor that Ron Simms will not be at the Camel booth this year,too bad, but we bet Billy Lane and Choppers Inc., will be called to take hisplace.

As I write this (at 1 a.m.) I can hear the rumble of straight pipes from myhouse. It’s obvious that the rally is here and guys are looking for thingsto do. Who knows if they will make the 9 a.m. start.

The Custom Bike Show was canceled due to rain and the drop of the mainsponsor. They will reschedule and we will try to cover it.

That’s it for now. We have been working 12- and 15-hour days, the jobs keepshowing up. Expect a cool FXR and a changed Sportster pretty soon. Also WCCchopper No. 2, it’s down to the reassembly, will post as soon as it’s done.

Guys, drop a note at Your Shot. We make the effort to do this every weekand would like to know if it’s been enjoyed or if we are doing a shit job.

And to the Weasels: Stop giving flashy business cards, show us the bikesyou build.

–Jose, Caribbean Bikernet Agent

CLASSIC TRIUMPH CHOP–The light is off a ’30s vintage teasipper. I fabbed the mount and license platebracket along with many other of the bike’s pieces.

It started as a build for a guy who got in and then lost his job half way intothe build. It would seem that his six-figure income still had him living weekto week so when he demanded I sell it before I was finished……. I simplytold him “no way” and I’d finish it to fit myself. We negotiated terms andcontrols were made for my feet instead of his size 15s. The bike had waytoo much work to let anyone else finish it.

We will feature this bike on the site in the next week. For more information contact Hackasaw atwww.hackasaw.com.–Bandit

SURFACE ANALYSIS DEPARTMENT– In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed throughstupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sear’s hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.” (Gee that’s the onlytime I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Detailsinside.” (The shoplifter special)

On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.” (And that wouldbe how …?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (But it’s”just” a suggestion.)

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): “Do not turn upside down.”(Too late!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: “Product will be hot after heating.” (Asnight follows day . . .)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.” (Butwouldn’t this save me more time?)

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machineryafter taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate ofconstruction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds withhead-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (One would hope.)

On most brands of Christmas lights: “For indoor or outdoor use only.” (Asopposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: “Not to be used for the other use.” (I gottaadmit, I’m curious.)

On Sainsbury’s peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.” (Talk about a news flash.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eatnuts.” (Step 3: Fly Delta.)

On a child’s Superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable youto fly.” (I don’t blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands orgenitals.” (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My gosh!)

++++++++++++++++++

BIKERNET THANKSGIVING WISH–As Thanksgiving is soon approaching, let’s all be thankful that we are Americans. And remember the fun that we had last year during the Sturgis Rally. Thought I would share a few more pictures just to keep you warm.

Ride safe and keep it between the lines,

–Rodger

+++++++++++++++++AIRLINE SECURITY NEWS FLASH– CHICAGO – The war on terrorism took a strange and sad turn Friday as airline officials at O’Hare International Airport refused to let a73-year-old grandmother board her plane as she had in her possessiontwo 6-inch knitting needles. Apparently authorities were worried thatshe might knit an Afghan.

–from Phil Ross

Continued On Page 3