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Read More December 20, 2001 Part 1
By Bandit |
This vessel is capable of carrying four to six passengers and has a crew of about 25. We’re not sure. We lost one yesterday. There’s a half dozen Polish officers and the rest are Filipino crew who are cool, sing karaoke every evening in their lounge and party like crazy.The name of the ship is Leon. In the past it was a Mexican cargo ship, which accounts for its condition, perhaps. It was once the Nacional Vitoria, Sonora and the Gina Luisa. Rickmers Shipping in Hamburg bought four ships from the Hispanic shipping company and changed the names of three. Our sister ship is still the BiBi from south of the border times. We better get to the news before I get chewed out, then I’ll report from the coast of France:
FORBES MAGAZINE NAMES HARLEY-DAVIDSON AS COMPANY OF THE YEAR
Performance, passion and outlook cited in story?? ????
?? MILWAUKEE — (December 20, 2001) Harley-Davidson Motor Company has been named Company of the Year by FORBES Magazine, one the world?s leading business publications. The honor and accompanying article entitled ?Love Into Money? appears in the January 7, 2002 edition of FORBES and on the magazine?s Web site at www.forbes.com. ??????
Key factors cited for the FORBES Company of the Year award include Harley-Davidson?s record sales growth and earnings, along with strong overall financial performance. In addition, the article notes the Company?s long and storied history as well as the devotion of its enthusiasts as deciding factors. ?Harley-Davidson stirs passion in its riders, its dealers and its employees and translates that passion into profit,? the article states. ??????
The article also focuses on Harley-Davidson?s new V-Rod motorcycle and its development, the Buell line of motorcycles, the Rider?s Edge New Rider Course, and the Company?s history and technological advancement. ?????
? Harley-Davidson, Inc. is the parent company for Harley-Davidson Motor Company, Buell Motorcycle Company and Harley-Davidson Financial Services, Inc. Harley-Davidson Motor Company, the only major U.S.-based motorcycle manufacturer, produces heavyweight motorcycles and offers a complete line of motorcycle parts, accessories, apparel, and general merchandise. Buell Motorcycle Company produces sport and sport-touring motorcycles. Harley-Davidson Financial Services, Inc. provides wholesale and retail financing, insurance and credit card programs to Harley-Davidson dealers and customers.
Big Dog Gets New LookAnd Enhanced Interactivity
Big Dog Motorcycles? award-winning interactive Web site has a new look. The updated site features the complete 2002 line of motorcycles, enhanced multimedia features, an exhaustive list of specifications and a new store front for online apparel and accessory ordering.
Offering more interactivity than ever, Big Dog Motorcycles developed the Flash 5.0-enabled ?Build a Bike? section. This unique feature allows customers to paint and accessorize the bike of their choice by clicking and dragging multiple options provided by the Web site. This feature allows surfers to fully customize a Big Dog with the touch of a mouse. Big Dog has also expanded the ever-popular Big Dog of the month with more pictures and a monthly calendar featuring upcoming events and rallies.
?The Web site continues to be a great resource for our company and people wanting to learn more about our company and our products. It is an excellent way to market Big Dog in a way that is informative and allows people to see what we have to offer,? said the president of Big Dog Motorcycles, Nick Messer.
The Web site offers customers available inventory through the site and allows users to locate their local dealer through a constantly updated dealer listing. As before, Big Dog has made available the 2002 owner?s manual available online. The Web site averages over 85,000 hits per day with an average visit of 8.3 minutes per visit. Big Dog Motorcycles L.L.C. manufactures a line of heavyweight cruisers centered around a 107-cubic-inch V-Twin engine. The company sells motorcycles across the United States through a growing number of authorized dealers. Big Dog’s entire line of motorcycles can be seen at www.bigdogmotorcycles.com.
A Bikernet Christmas Wish
I want to wish all at Bikernet a Merry Christmas.
My plans for Christmas are as follows:
1.When those reindeer land, let’s just say there should be enough venison to hold me for several weeks.
2. Hold Santa hostage for ransom.
3.If that don’t work and if I end up in jail I still get a warm bed and food.
Just kidding about Santa.
( however I am having venison for Christmas.)
Happy Holidays
Don
Salt Lake City
Potentially and Realistically
A young boy went up to his father and asked, “What is the difference between potentially and realistically?” The father answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Denzel Washington for a million dollars. Then go ask yoursister if she would sleep with Sean Puffy Combs for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned.”
So the boy went to his mother and said, “Would you sleep with Denzel Washington for a million dollars?” The mother replied, “Of course I would! I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity like that.” Then the boy went to his sister and said, “Would you sleep with Puffy for a million dollars?” His sister replied, “Oh my God! I’d be nuts to pass that up!” The boy then thought about it for two or three daysand went back to his dad. The father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potential and realistic?” The boy replied, “Yes, potentially we’re sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we’re living with two hoes.”
Louie DelReal
THE HORSE Backstreeet Choppers is pleased to announce The 2002 Smoke Outwill be at the Lowe’s Motor Speedway in Charlotte, N.C. The dates are July26-28.
The Smoke Out has been extended to three days and will include all kinds ofnew events. We, of course, will have bike shows, bands and beer but we alsoare also planning to build a chopper on-site during the event (more tofollow). We hope to have track rentals of Legends cars, a biker art show,many venders and some secret events we are not ready to disclose. Themagazine has rented a large portion of the infield of a NASCAR track for theevent this year. This includes a huge, 34-bay garage so a number of theevents can be indoors.
The AMA Grand National – AMA Progressive Flat Track Motorcycle Race (DirtTrack) will also be within walking distance on the property and will be heldSaturday afternoon.
Many suggested we should try to have the event where people could camp on the premises, similar to a European Super Rally type event. So we have also rented a large camping area.
We will have a lot more details in the months to follow but for now we justwant to get the location and dates out there. Hope you can make it.
New Government Emblem
The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a>condom>because it more clearly reflects the government’s political stance:>A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next>generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of>security while it’s actually screwing you.
Who Said That?
It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of aJapanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said”Give me liberty or give me death?”
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.”Patrick Henry, 1775,” he said.
“Very good! Who said “Government of the people, by the people, for thepeople, shall not perish from the earth.”?
Again, no response except from Suzuki: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863,” saidSuzuki.
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki,whois new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Japs.”
“Who said that?” she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca, 1982.”
At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”
The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”
Again, Suzuki says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,”Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.”
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit. If you sayanything else, I’ll kill you.”
Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to ChandraLevy 2001.”The teacher fainted.
THE STORY OF MAN… ANY MAN
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I wouldhave a girlfriend.When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but therewas no passion. So, I decided I needed apassionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but shewas too emotional. Everything was anemergency; she was a drama queen, criedall the time and threatened suicide. So, Idecided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 28, I found a very stable girl butshe was boring. She was totally predictableand never got excited about anything. Lifebecame so dull that I decided that I neededa girl with some excitement.
When I was 35, I found an exciting girl, but Icouldn’t keep up with her. She rushed fromone thing to another, never settling onanything. She did mad impetuous thingsand made me miserable as often as happy.She was great fun initially and very energetic,but directionless. So, I decided to find a girlwith some real ambition.
When I turned 42, I found a smart ambitiousgirl with her feet planted firmly on the groundand married her. She was so ambitious thatshe divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now 55 and am looking for a girl withreally big tits.
On To Page 2
December 15, 2001
By Bandit |
NCOM COAST TO COAST BIKER NEWSCompiled and Edited by BILL BISH,NATIONAL COALITION OF MOTORCYCLISTS
BIKERS WANT EQUAL RIGHTS
Bikers across the nation are revving up for a fight against discrimination after complaints that they’re being shut out of restaurants and hotels because of their image as hell-raising thugs. Motorcyclists say the image of leather-clad bikers who rumble into town on their Harley-Davidsons and raise a ruckus is sadly outdated. The Associated Press (AP)
Proponents say the law is aimed at thwarting a tired stereotype, that of the marauding outlaw biker. The truth, they say, is a plainer picture of regular folks who enjoy riding, belonging to motorcycle clubs and wearing the colors of their groups, generally stitched on some form of black leather garment. The New York Times
America’s next official victim group may be roaring your way on their Harley-Davidsons. Bikers are sick and tired of rampant anti biker bigotry, so they are seeking status as a legally protected class in Ohio, Georgia, South Carolina, and several other states. The idea is to end all the ridicule, the tattoo phobia, the tendency among apprehensive roadhouse owners to seat them at remote tables. To me, it’s kind of like the back of the bus,’ said a Harley-riding Georgia state senator.- U.S. News & World Report
What’s all the buzz about? Equal Access legislation has been introduced in at least 19 states over the past few years, with Minnesota passing such a law three years ago, but recent bills in Ohio, South Carolina and Georgia have captured the media’s interest as bikers seek to outlaw discrimination against motorcycle riders.
We are talking about people being excluded from apartment houses, motels, restaurants and nightclubs just because they are wearing biker attire, said Ralph Buss, Aid to Injured Motorcyclists (AIM) attorney for Ohio, who initiated the first biker anti-discrimination bill in the country in 1994 when a client was denied service at a restaurant.
Ohio State Representative Sylvester Patton introduced HB 238 to prohibit the denial of access to public accommodations to persons because they ride motorcycles or wear motorcycle attire.
For too long, citizens who enjoy riding motorcycles and who are participating in motorcycle clubs have been treated unfairly while trying to gain access or entry into establishments open to the general public, Patton testified at the bill’s hearing.
Last year, Texas bikers succeeded in getting an Equal Access bill through the state legislature nearly unanimously, only to have it vetoed at the last minute by their governor. Illinois passed a Bikers-Rights bill through their legislature earlier this year, but the governor amended the bill through special amendatory veto powers to include controversial gay rights provisions, effectively killing the bill.
OHIO GANG LAW STRUCK DOWN IN COURT
As originally feared by many bikers rights advocates, so-called Gang Laws aimed at youth street gangs have been targeting members of motorcycle clubs and using the new state laws to tack on years to prison sentences simply because an individual was a member of a club. For that reason, Confederations of Clubs in states with gang laws on the books have fought hard to get motorcyclists specifically exempted from the definition of a criminal gang.
Kentucky succeeded in doing just that two years ago, and while the legislative work continues in other states, a lower court in Ohio has found that state’s gang law unconstitutionally broad and has struck down the law, though concerned bikers still await a final determination by the state’s higher courts.
According to the Cincinnati Post, a Hamilton County judge declared Ohio’s new gang law unconstitutional, saying it is so poorly written it could result in gang members being penalized more severely for crimes even if they aren’t gang related.
A participant in a gang, as the statute is written, is conclusively held to be promoting gang interests even when he obviously is not doing so. The enhanced crime becomes one of status of the defendant, not of the wrongdoing, judge Thomas Crush wrote in declaring the gang law unconstitutional.
The decision came after five men were indicted for participating in a criminal gang a second-degree felony that carries a maximum sentence of eight years in prison in the first Hamilton County case under the new law.
The men were accused of being members of the Folk street gang and participating in criminal gang activity. Crush’s ruling dismissed the gang-related charges against one of the men.
The Ohio statute, as written, creates a crime and allows a penalty for activities that have not even occurred; i.e. creates a gang crime and an enhanced gang penalty for crimes which are unrelated to gang activity, Crush wrote. He noted that someone arrested under the statute as it now exists could also be charged with participating in a criminal gang even if the crime was committed out of town and didn’t involve the gang.
Ohio’s gang law applies when three or more persons operating in a pattern of criminal activity are linked to two or more felony offenses.
The state has appealed the lower court’s decision.
CITY OF ALBUQUERQUE ADOPTS NOISE ORDINANCE Evidently, the current administration for the city of Albuquerque, New Mexico, has enacted new regulations targeting motorcycle exhaust systems, as well as making it literally illegal to travel in groups.
Due to this legislation, Albuquerque can no longer be considered a biker friendly city, according to Barbara Alvar, Chairperson of the New Mexico Motorcyclists Legislative Impact Committee.
Council Bill #FS 0-34 states that; No person shall operate a motorcycle without (a) a permanent engravature or label entitled Motorcycle Noise Emission Control Information’, and (b) a permanent engravature or label on the muffler or exhaust pipe indicating the following information…, and it goes on to state that the label will indicate the year and model that the exhaust was designed for as well as the decibel rating.
Making matters even worse, it also states that this allowable dB (decibel level) applies to the total sound from a vehicle or a combination of vehicles and shall be construed as limited or precluding the enforcement of any other provision in this article relating to motor vehicle mufflers for noise control. In other words, no combination of motorcycles riding together can exceed the maximum allowable EPA decibel rating of one motorcycle!
With the enactment of this ordinance, Albuquerque has legalized harassment of the motorcycling community, said Alvar. This ordinance will treat law-abiding citizens like criminals. This ordinance gives the law enforcement officer probably cause to stop you, even if you are not exceeding legal noise limits, just to inspect required labeling’ of the exhaust system.
Mayor Jim Baca stated publicly that this noise ordinance targets motorcycles and barking dogs, which indicates the mayor’s negative attitude toward motorcyclists. You can e-mail Mayor Baca at bmoris@cabq.gov and kindly inform him of your opinion, or phone him at (505) 768-3000, or fax (505) 768-3019. Other responsible parties are the Council President Brad Winter, bwinter@cabq.gov; and City Counselors Alan Armijo, aarmijo@cabq.gov; Adele Baca-Hundley, ahundley@cabq.gov; Vincent Griego, vgriego@cabq.gov; Tim Kline, tkline@cabq.gov; Hess Yntema, hyntema@cabq.gov; and Greg Payne, gpayne@cabq.gov.
OREGON BIKERS GET POLITICAL
Another major stride for motorcycle awareness and inclusion was achieved at the Democratic Party of Oregon’s state central meeting on December 9, 2001. Due primarily to the efforts and planning of “Diesel” Dave Ganslein, the Oregon Democratic Motorcyclists Caucus was born.
At today’s State Central Committee meeting, the Democratic Party of Oregon officially recognized the Oregon Democratic Motorcyclists Caucus, reported Ganslein. This gives members of A.B.A.T.E. of Oregon Inc., Bike-PAC of Oregon, and The Concerned Motorcyclists Coalition a seat on the state central committee, thus ensuring motorcyclists a far greater voice in the future of motorcycling in Oregon.
He adds, We strongly urge all motorcyclists to become active in the political system, as our relative degree of success has been attributable to activism at a grass-roots level.
SCHWARZENEGGER HURT IN MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT Just
days after Universal Studios announced their intentions to make Terminator 3, Arnold Schwarzenegger was injured in a motorcycle accident in Santa Monica, California, on December 12, 3001. The former Mr. Universe and star of the first two Terminator movies was taken to the hospital with several broken ribs after the weekend crash. Further details about the accident were not immediately available.
Schwarzenegger, 54, who is negotiating to appear in the third Terminator film,was “in good spirits, feeling sore, but otherwise fine,” said publicist JillEisenstadt.
“Don’t worry,” said the actor. “This won’t affect my skiing with my family at Sun Valley this Christmas.”
WEIRD NEWS OF THE MONTH: FARMER SOUGHT AFTER COW PAT INJURES MOTORCYCLISTS German police are warning farmers that they could be charged with negligence after a cow pie on a road seriously injured two motorcyclists. Officers are looking for the farmer of the cows that left the pie on the carriageway in Kempten. They say he should have cleaned it up. The two motorcyclists skidded on the cow crap and fell off their bike. They are recovering from their injuries in the hospital. Police say the farmer responsible for the offending patty could be charged with physical injury resulting from negligence, reports the German newspaper Bild. The decision to pursue the farmer has been described as ridiculous by farming groups who said it was impossible for a farmer to always walk behind his cows with a shovel. Johannes Schmidt, chairman of the local farmer’s union, said: “It’s a real shame. What are we supposed to do? Do they expect us to run after our herds with a shovel?”
QUOTABLE QUOTES:
“It is the absolute right of the State to supervise the formation of public opinion.”
JOSEPH GOEBBELS
Minister of Propaganda for the Third Reich under Adolf Hitler
NOTE: If you would like to subscribe to the AIM/NCOM Motorcycle E-News Service, simply send a SUBSCRIBE message to aimncom@aimncom.com.
December 14, 2001 Part 3
By Bandit |
Continued From Page 2
Bikernet Joke
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.”
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, “Who is it?”
“Blind man!”
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, “He’s blind, he can’t see. What could it hurt.” They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, “Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”
Subject: New Drug
Police warn all male clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regularsto be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl.There is a date rape drug going around called “beer” and it is generallyin liquid form. The drug is now being used by female sexual predators atparties to convince their male victims to have sex with them. Theshocking statistic is that “beer”is available virtuallyanywhere!
All girls have to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of “beer”and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex. Men areliterally rendered helpless against such attacks. After several”beers” men will often succumb to desires to perform sex acts onhorrific looking women who they would never normally be attracted to.
Men often awaken after being given “beer” with only hazy memories ofexactly what has happened to them the night before, just a vague feelingthat something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men might be stung for their life’sworth in a familiar scam know as “a relationship” – apparently men areeasier victims for this scam after the “beer” has been administered andhave already been sexually attacked.
OK, goddamnit, we’re about 40.14 North and 51.32 West heading into the center of the Atlantic. The Newfoundland Island is northwest of us by 150 miles if my cross-eyed guessing is close. It’s strange that the coast is dropping into the 40-degree range and we roll out to sea and face 75-degree temperatures in the Gulf Stream. It’s incredible the change in temperature. When we dipped out of the Gulf Stream last night, the thermometer dropped 10 degrees and another storm struck, driving us into swells the size of homes I wish I was huddled in with Layla. We are taking 6- and 8-degree rolls that scattered cups of coffee around the deck in the officers’ dining room. Everything not tied down was tossed like fruit in a blender. I could swear that at 4 in the morning I could hear dishes crashing four decks below. I was rolling around in my bunk like a hotdog on a barby, but couldn’t decide whether to risk getting out of the sack to lash down gear or pull the covers up to keep me from the bitter cold that was biting my ankles.
The captain tried to explain the Gulf Stream to me and I found it fascinating. If it weren’t for this body of water rushing north out of the tropics and the easterly wind that runs over it constantly, all of England, France and Germany would be a frozen blob like most of Canada. Europe better pray it never changes course.About the site. Last month, Bikernet?s hit counter struck an all-time high of 1.7 million hits. The girls have taken over and will for sure start some feminist/lesbian rally to yank the reigns from my salt water frozen hands. If you’ve been following Vince and Chance or the Chance Hogan series, I’m working on Chapter 15 of that saga, and I’ll finish Chapter 8 of the Chance book based on this trip, better known as “Tides.” I’m still working, I swear, as the Atlantic brine splashes around my ankles. I’m on E deck, five floors above the main deck. The chair I’m sitting in slides up to the desk then back across the room from time to time to gimme a break.
I’m having a helluva time. Hope you’re having a helluva holiday season. I can’t wait to swim into the officers’ lounge this morning to see what happened to the Christmas tree.
Ride forever, and stay warm, goddamnit
Bandit
December 14, 2001 Part 2
By Bandit |
Continued From Page 1
The WCC No. 2 is ready to be put together. We are waiting for the paint todry and some parts are still on back order. If things go as planned, we will have the whole build next week here onBikernet. But wait, there’s more. WCC No. 3 is already in the paint booth,so… stay tuned for next week’s saga.
Not too much news since it’s been raining (again) all over theisland and most of the stuff going on is mere gossip.We are waiting for some sun to do our electronic Christmas cards, and sometime to finish the WCC No. 2 bike, which is going to live in Boston. Oh well guys,till next week…….. Hey Weasels, you punks suck!
Jose—- Caribbean Bikernet Agent.
Bikernet Recipe
Just a little something to lift your ‘spirits’ for the holidays!
BIKERNET HOLIDAY FRUIT CAKE
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 gallon whiskey
Simple Directions
1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl.
2. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highestquality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
3. Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large,fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
4. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn offmixer.Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of driedfruit.Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers,pryitloose with a drewscriver.
5. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticaty. Next, sift 2cupsof salt. Or something. Who cares?
6. Whisk the checkey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain yournuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you canfind.
7. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don’tforgetto beat off the turner.
8. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again.
9. Go to bed. Who in the hell likes fruitcake anyway?
Bikernet On Religion
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacherwentto the congregation and asked for a raise.After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule thatwhenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.After fiveor six children, this started to get expensive and the congregationdecided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s pay.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much theclergyman’sadditional children were costing the church. Finally, the preachergotup and spoke to the crowd, “Having children is an act of God!”A little old manand in his frail voice in the back of church shouted
“Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get toomuch, we wear rubbers!”
Perspective
A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at theclouds.He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God.
“God,” he said, “how long is a million years?”
God answered, “In my frame of reference, it’s about a minute.”
The man asked, “God, how much is a million dollars?”
God answered, “To me, it’s a penny.”
The man then asked, “God, can I have a penny?”
God answered, “In a minute.”
Midget
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he’s sending a friendoverto buy a horse.”How will I recognize him?” “That’s easy, he’s a midget with a speechimpediment.”
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a maleorfemale horse. “A female horth.” So he shows him a prized filly. “Nithlookinhorth. Can I thee her eyeth?” So the guy picks up the midget and hegivesthe horse’s eyes the once over and says “Nith eyeth. Can I thee herearzth?”So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.”Nithearzth. Can I thee her mouf?” The rancher is gettin pretty disgusted atthispoint, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth. “Nicemouf, now can I see her twat?” Totally upset at this point, the ranchergrabs the midget under his arm and rams the midget’s head as far as hecanup the horse’s twat,pulls him out, and drops him on the ground.
Themidgetgets up, sputtering and coughing. “Perhapth I should rephrathe that. CanIthee her wun awound a widdle bit?”
Bikernet Virus Warning
If you receive an e-mail titled “Death to the Infidels!” or”Badtimes”, delete it IMMEDIATELY.
Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will notonlyerase everything on your hard drive, but it will also deleteanythingon disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on yourVCRand uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs youattempttoplay. It will program your phone auto-dial to call only “900” numbers.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD’S SAKE, ARE YOULISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you areexpecting company.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine,allthe while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your backandbilling their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a waythatis only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your activeverbstopassive voice and incorporate undetectable misspellings whichgrosslychange the interpretations of key sentences.
If the “Badtimes” message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment,itwill leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged indangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattressesandpillows, It will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******
And if you don’t send this to 5,000 people in 20 seconds you’ll fart so hardthat your right legwill spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks thatwillignite the person nearest you.
Send to everyone in your address book….
In case you are a blonde, this is a joke.
Continued On Page 3
December 14, 2001 Part 1
By Bandit |
A Note From Sin—
As I sit here at my computer trying to put together some sort of news for you, my mind drifts between fantasy and reality as I know many people do daily. Just from talking to different Bikernet readers, many wonder what?s real and what?s bullshit on this site. Well, I believe we would all love to have a little fantasy occasionally and add some spice to our otherwise normal routine. That?s our goal here at Bikernet, to add that spice.
A lot of us go through life with somber reality. Our days are orchestrated and we function as if walking in our sleep. Get up, get ready for work, drive to work, etc. Then at the end of the day we go home and deal with the house, kids, trying to find time for ourselves and so on.
From time to time we see something that makes us smile. If we?re lucky we get a good belly laugh or we read something that makes our chests swell with pride, passion or even anger. Sometimes we feel the need to write to the source of the emotion and express ourselves as many of you do in ?Your Shot.? We appreciate this feedback and thank you for it.
Bikernet has many contributors who take a few minutes out of their daily routine to shoot us an image, a joke, a fictional story or even a real life event, and because of them, we?re able to give a fantasy, a smile and a laugh– the spice of life. We have the coolest readers any Web site could ask for, always adding their two cents and keeping us in check, and we have our much-appreciated sponsors that make it possible.
The purpose of all this drivel is to THANK YOU ? for taking the time to help us with our goal.
Sin Wu
And Now For Some Bullshit, Heeerrreeesss Bandit!
Not much to report from sea this week. Last weekend I partied with Larry McCullough, a Hamster prospect from Baltimore, and his partners, Eric, Don, Rob and the girls, Debbie, Tina, Christina and Giovanna, a girl with a lot of heart who was building another bike after her last one took her leg. Larry’s a young builder who owns ProPaint in Baltimore. If this kid was in L.A. and had the promotional opportunities of Jesse James, he’d be the guy with Penthouse articles. He’s a talented fabricator.
The ship had a welding fire in hold No. 2 in Japan, which destroyed two freshly built Taiwanese yachts. The captain made arrangements for the remaining 200 tons of lead to be hoisted out and the hold powerwashed. At 6 p.m. Sunday, departure time, he inspected the hold and didn’t care for the progress. That delayed departure six hours — to well past midnight — until a tug tugged us away from the dock and the pilot came aboard for the 12-hour trek out of the Chesapeake Bay, which was a traffic jam of war ships, including the carrier Enterprise. Maybe the President went for a cruise.
I gotta tell you that this is sorta like riding an out-of-balance rigid. Vibration is a key element as we motor from port. Originally it was explained to me that fighting currents for speed in shallow waters was causing excessive vibration, but we’re now in the Gulf Stream, a third of the way and two more time zones into the Atlantic, and it vibrates so bad that we broke a fuel line yesterday. With one storm on our ass and one dead ahead, we were forced to shut down and sit dead in the water. We fixed the leaking fuel line and we’re now cruising at 17.4 knots. Another thing that could be contributing to the vibration is that the ship is virtually empty heading back to Hamburg, Germany, and that single screw with fins 15 feet high may be splashing in the water behind the ship like a drunken dolphin.
We better get to the news before the swells toss Richard’s laptop against the bulkhead along with the rest of my gear. Day before yesterday a weather report told the captain that we were running dead into a force 8 and 9 violent storm. We hit nothing. Last night the same weather service recommended that we veer off course bearing north, which by all indications was directly into the storm we’re trying desperately to dodge. He went south and we’re still slapping the tail end of it.
Let?s get to the news:
Bandit took this shot the day before, while pulling out of Baltimore. Changing of the guards.
Excelsior-Henderson In The News Again
For Sale/Not for Sale, this is a question only the bankruptcy court in Florida will be able to determine. Just hours before the complete factory and holdings of Excelsior- Henderson were to go on the auction block, George Heaton, head of the Florida-based investment group that saved E-H from its first run-in with the bankruptcy courts, filed for protection under the Chapter 11 bankruptcy laws. This terminated the auction and will allow the investment group to hopefully restructure. Only time will tell what the courts will do.
The continued turmoil saddens even the most ardent backers of the company and its Super-X cruiser motorcycles. Dan Hanlon, who co-founded the company in 1993 and intended for it to be a competitor to Harley-Davidson, hasn’t been actively involved in its management since the firm emerged from bankruptcy in August 2000. The company filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection in December 1999 after burning through about $100 million in capital, much of it raised from Minnesota investors. Hanlon came to the auction Thursday seeking what he called “finality,” which never materialized. “Let [Excelsior-Henderson] have its peace,” Hanlon said. “There is nothing left to restart. Let’s be real about it.”
Bikernet Caribbean Report—
Like we said last week, we were in Phoenix at the new Bourget’s shop, and have included some photos of the new area.
It’s great to see companies in thiseconomy growing and being successful, and more so since all the othermotorcycle factories are flopping left and right. I guess if you have agood product and plan your growth during these turbulent times, it willbe easier.
Speaking of turbulence, I bet Bandit is having a little while crossing theAtlantic. Seems like the weather is not cooperating. We have received heavysurf and winds during this past week, and that means cold and heavyrollers up by the shipping lanes. I hope the USS Rust Bucket is doingfine. The two BBW exps are ready; I will post the photos next week (as soonas we can roll ’em outside) and will be shooting them for the Horse in anupcoming issue. Now we go to the news……
We just read an article on Jesse James from this month’s Penthouse magazine(yep, the one with the nakkid gurlies). Also, his second TV program will air on theDiscovery Channel in January, check your local listings.
BBW has three new styles of exhaust that are available for Bourget’s owners(and soon to the general public). If you’re interested, call the factory or yourlocal dealer.
S&S carburetors now come with a bracket that will make those long 90 upthrottle cables fit. They still send the short bracket just in case youwant to keep doing it the old way, also for TC 88s.
Our local Toy Run will take place Dec. 16. The ride will go to thetown of A?asco (about 80 miles) to give all the toys to needychildren. This will be open for any brand of motorcycle, and all they needfrom those participating is a toy.
We heard that the new Sonny Barger book will be in bookstorespretty soon. They expect this book to do as well as the first one. Don’tworry, as soon as we find out when, so will you.
Continued On Page 2
December 6, 2001 Part 3
By Bandit |
Continued From Page 2
Party At Bikernet!—
Hey Bandit,
Where the fuk are you exactly?
Was a huge party at the Bikernet headquarters last night … kinda weird Layla said it was a make bandit fly home and fuk me party? We all donated $15 bucks, there was a silent auction too. I bought the desk and panhead, only cost 2 grand!
Figure I can sell Jesse the pan and keep the desk, or is it the other way around?
Come home goddamit
Chris Chrome
Her side of the story:
He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for adrink.I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn’t say anything much about it.The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go offsomewhere> more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and startedto wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn’t really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, Isaid that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn’t know what the hell that meant because you know he didn’t say it back or anything.
We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly,I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined meand to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself tosleep.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he’s seeing someone else.
His Side of the Story
Can’t believe the fuckin’ Yankees lost. Got laid though.
12/29The Doobie Brothers Live in Concert
Konocti Harbor and Resort
Clearlake, California
A tribute to drummer Michael Hossack’s recovery from a serious motorcycleaccident
Featuring a special auction:
Exclusive rock n roll memorabilia from different legends and artists
Exclusive items from Harley-D corporate
Exclusive hot rod custom bike designed by Mike and signed by all The DoobieBros.
For more info: www.doobiebros.com
God bless you all and thanks so much for any help you can give!
S’miles,
Sasha
Corny Spuds—
Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, who they called ‘Yam’. Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn’t get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like ‘Hot Potato’, and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato, either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn’t get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t associate with those high-class Yukon Golds. Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that’s Potato University) so that when she graduated she’d really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he was just a…
Common Tater
Finger Lickin? Good—
Hey Bandit,
Q: What does eating at KFC and a woman have in common?
A: When you are done with the breast and thighs you>have a greasy box to put your bone in.
Ride Free….
Stich
Good Ol’ Generous Motors (& Ford, too) etc..
Check out Harley Davidson …
BUY AMERICAN, OK???
Which Motor Company Cares About the USA?
After seeing a short news listing on “CNN Headline News” regarding Ford andGM’s contributions to the relief and recovery efforts in New York City andWashington, DC, I was prompted to see what the other automotive companieswere contributing. It is important to know which companies are there for usin a crisis. I went to (the news, press release and philanthropic areasof) each of the companies’ web sites. If the company had several sites, Itried to visit them all.Additionally, I visited the leading news and automotive sites. This is whatI have found:
Aston Martin – Nothing.
Audi – Nothing. Audi’s web site states “Audi News: Always up to theminute.”
BMW – Nothing despite other press releases/postings since 09/11/01. Lastupdated 09/13/01.
Daewoo International – Nothing.
Daimler Chrysler (includes Dodge, Jeep, Mercedes-Benz and Plymouth) – $10million to support the children and victims in addition to otherdonations from their employees, dealers, and suppliers.
Fiat – Nothing.
Ford Motor Company (includes Jaguar, Lincoln, Mazda, Mercury and Volvo) – $1million to the American Red Cross, matching employee contributions to theAmerican Red Cross and 10 Excursions to the New York Fire Department. Thecompany has also offered emergency response team services and office spaceto displaced government employees.
General Motors (includes Buick, Cadillac, Chevrolet, Oldsmobile,Pontiac, Saab and Saturn) – $1 million to the American Red Cross, matchingemployee contributions and a fleet of vans, trucks and SUVs.
Harley-Davidson Motor Cycles – Donated one million dollars and 30 newmotorcycles to the NYPD to assist in relief efforts and replace motor cycleslost in the attack. Harley-Davidson’s own employees drove the cycles to NYin a day and a half and turned over the keys personally to the NYC MotorDivision. Check out their website at www.harleydavidson.com for info andpictures of their generosity.
Honda (includes Acura) – Nothing. “The latest news on Honda can always befound right here?” No press releases/postings since 9/04/01 when the releaseboasted “American Honda Motor Company,Inc., recorded its second best salesmonth ever in August.” My search included: hondamotorcycle.com [other pressreleases posted on this site since 9/11/01
Hyundai Motors Group (includes Kia) — $300,000 to the American Red Cross.
Isuzu – Nothing.
Mitsubishi Motors – Nothing. Mitsubishi-motors.co.jp site states,”The latest news about Mitsubishi Motors.” I also searchedmitsubishimotors.com.
Nissan – Nothing despite other press releases/postings since 9/11/01.
Porsche – Nothing. Press release with condolences posted on the Porsche website on 09/12/01, but no contribution.
Subaru – Nothing. Despite other press releases/postings since 09/11/01.
Suzuki – Nothing.
Toyota (includes Lexus) -Nothing. Press release with condolences posted onthe Toyota web site on 09/14/01, but no contribution, despite earlier pressreleases boasting that Toyota had high sales in July and August.
Volkswagen – The employees and management created a Foundation, fundedinitially with $2 million, to assist the children and victims withhumanitarian help including medical and psychological assistance,rehabilitation and scholarships.
We have the freedom to choose which companies we make purchases from and I,for one, will make my purchases from and give my money to the companies thatare giving their money to America at this time of need. I hope that youwill, too. We can only hope that it is an oversight by the companies thathave not made a contribution and that they will join the relief efforts.
Bikernet Funnies
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE.
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
OK…so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” andtheTampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make theTennessee Titans?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1enjoys it?
There are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of theChristian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or atHooters.
Why are Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won’t touch anything unless it is 20% off.
What’s the definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoyingsex.
Define Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
What’s the difference between the Pope and your boss? The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
Why is a government worker like a shotgun with a broken firing pin? It won’t work and you can’t fire it.
My mind works like lightning: One brilliant flash and it is gone.
Never trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in thebathroom.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
My next house will have no kitchen; just vending machines.
My blond girlfriend told me, “I was worried that my mechanic mighttry to rip me off, but I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.”
I’m so depressed… I went to the Dr. today and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a newflagpole on a condemned building.
Well, did you get your fill of bullshit?
Bandit’s out cruzin’ on the SS Leon and I ain’t got no more time to waste on this digital rag, there’s women out there lonely for my manly charms. And if they ain’t, screw ’em. Which I intend to do.
I guess I’m supposed to sign off with one of Bandit’s witty sayings.
Well, all I can say is, stay between the ditches and away from any babe I’m scoping out.
Snake
December 6, 2001 Part 2
By Bandit |
Continued From Page 1
Bikernet Caribbean Report—After endless delays, lines and numerous securtity checks, we finally madeit back from Phoenix. No wonder the airlines are close to flopping, theyare a disaster! A flight that normally takes six hours took us more than12. Anyway, we just got back from visiting the new Bourget’s Bike Worksshop. They put a lot of effort and dinero into building this new shop, one of the bestorganized I have ever seen. It’s on a 2-acre lot, about 80,000 to 90,000 square feet. The new shop is set up for 25 bikes a week andthe new BBW aftermarket parts manufacturing(you heard it here first). They’ve already started with some really cool exhaust.Oh well, I did not mean to mix the news with the intro, so here we go.
Phoenix is like the Mecca of motorcycles. Several shops and builders claimthis city their home, and we are guessing why:Manuel’s Mexican restaurant. Man, if there’s a place that you can reallypig out and eat as many chips and salsa as you dare, this is it!
We visited our friends at Accutronnix. They always have something very coolto show us. Their triple trees are the best, and now available in yourchoice of anodized colors. They’re not huge, but their factory putsout some of the best billet aluminum parts money can buy. We also want towish Randy a quick recoup and strentgh in his battle. I still don’tunderstand why bad stuff happens to good people.
We passed by PYO. It was already closed but Paul’s new shop is lookinggood. Maybe for the next trip we will get there earlier.We visited Sonny Barger’s shop. Geno was there and treated us like family.They just expanded and have a section just for support wear and shopshirts. Go visit if you happen to be in Phoenix.
The Billet Bar and Easyriders of Scottsdale was pretty happening on Sunday.Seems like rubbies enjoy this kind of place. It was a nice day to ride andeveryone was outside having some cold drinks. No choppers though, and only alone shovel at the lot.
Dec. 16 is the date for our annual Toy Run, which goes about 100 miles across the island and brings toys to needy kids. About 1,000 motorcycles are expected.
We have the first EXP chopper from Bourget’s at the shop. This bike is aBBW bike but with a H-D 80-cubic-inch motor and 5-speed tranny. It comes in threecolors and retails in the mid-$20,000. If the budget is tight but you musthave a custom, call a dealer near you and ask for this bike.
Oh well guys, I’m outta here. We are so busy (and jet lagged) that I won’teven bother with the Weasels tonight. See ya next week with the full reportand ussual photos.
Take care Happy Holidays……..Jose Caribbean Bikernet agent.
Excelsior-Henderson Goes On The Auction Block—-
Belle Plaine, Minn. – Excelsior-Henderson went under a secured parties sale (public auction) on Dec. 6. Capital Recovery Group, an auction and appraisal firm, conducted the sale on site (805 Hanlon Drive, Belle Plain, Minn.), and, it was broadcast live online (www.crgauction.com). Potential customers could bid concurrently from their computer with the live auction. The sale was advertised as “ultra-modern motorcycle manufacturing facility, state-of-the-art assembly line, new parts inventory, apparel and accessories.” And the terms of the sale included, “as is, where is with all faults. All sales are final.” A 25 percent deposit was required at the time of sale by cash, certified or bank check or bank wire transfer.
Excelsior-Henderson Motorcycle Manufacturing Company was founded by Dave, Dan and Jennie Hanlon in 1993. Production began in 1998. E-H started shipping motorcycles to dealers in early 1999. In December 1999, the company filed Chapter 11 Bankruptcy, temporarily ceased manufacturing operations and, as a result, laid off approximately 101 employees of its 116-person workforce. In April 2000, it was announced that a Florida investor group, EH Partners, comprised the reorganization and acquisition of Excelsior-Henderson. Excelsior-Henderson emerged from bankruptcy in August 2000. In October 2000, the new owners, EH Partners, announced that they would resume production for model year 2002. By February 2001, there were no signs of intent to resume production, employment numbers continued in decline and the company had no guarantee of availability of spare parts.
To die for!—-
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex.
He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn’t worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, “I was coming up to die.”
She laughed and replied, “I was coming down to kill you!”
HARLEY-DAVIDSON DELIVERS THE NEW V-ROD TO U.S. DEALER NETWORK
All-New Bike Arrives in Showrooms
MILWAUKEE, Wis. (November 27, 2001) – The initial shipment of Harley-Davidson’s VRSCA V-Rod have arrived in showrooms in the U.S. Equipped with the all-new Harley-Davidson Revolution liquid-cooled 60? V-Twin powerplant and custom, dragster-inspired looks, the V-Rod is pure American muscle.
The Harley-Davidson VRSCA V-Rod was introduced during this summer’sHarley-Davidson Dealer Expo in Los Angeles, and has been praised by the press and public for its groundbreaking styling, strong and smooth powertrain, and innovation. The V-Rod has already won the Motorcycle Design Association Open Class Trophy, a Popular Science “Best of What’s New Award”, Popular Mechanics Magazine design and engineering award, and the Motor Cycle News (MCN) Bike of the Year Award. Manufactured at Harley-Davidson’s Kansas City assembly plant, the V-Rod is the first model in an entirely new line of performance custom motorcycles.
Harley-Davidson Motor Company, the only major U.S.-based motorcycle manufacturer, produces heavyweight motorcycles and a complete line of motorcycle parts, accessories and general merchandise. For more information or to find the dealer nearest you, visit Harley-Davidson’s web site at www.harley-davidson.com.
Aliens Trying To Contact Bikernet!
We get some weird shit here at Bikernet but this is an actual e-mail sent to Bandit?
If you are a time traveler or alien disguised as human and or have the technology to travel physically through time I need your help!
My life has been severely tampered with and cursed!!I have suffered tremendously and am now dying!
I need to be able to:
Travel back in time.
Rewind my life including my age.
Be able to remember what I know now so that I can prevent my life from being tampered with again after I go back.
I am in very great danger and need this immediately!
I am aware that there are many types of time travel and that humans do not do well through certain types.
I need as close to temporal reversion as possible, as safely as possible. To be able to rewind the hands of time in such a way that the universe of now will cease to exist.
I know that there are some very powerful people out there with alien or government equipment capable of doing just that.
If you can help me I will pay for your teleport or trip down here, Along with hotel stay, food and all expenses. I will pay top dollar for the equipment. Proof must be provided.
If anyone thinks they can help this guy, let Bandit know, not me.
Snake
SEVEN REASONS TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK
1. CURL UP AND DIE……..
I walked into a hair salonwith my husband and three kids in tow and askedloudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and ablow job?” – Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, Texas
2. PAD PLEASE……….
An insurance man visited me athome to talk about our mortgage insurance. He wasthrowing a lot of facts and figures at me, and Iwanted to follow as best I could, so I told my6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came backand handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. -Kate Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, N.C.
3. HO, HO, HO………….
I was taking a shower whenmy 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrappedhimself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, helooked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took afew shots. They came out so well that I had copiesmade and included one with each of our Christmascards. Days later, a relative called about thepicture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I takea closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and wasshocked to discover that in addition to my son, I hadcaptured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothingbut a camera! – Name Withheld
4. LADY GOLFER…………….
I was at the golf storecomparing different kinds of golf balls. I wasunhappy with the women’s type I had been using. Afterbrowsing for several minutes, I was approached by oneof the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store.He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, Ilooked at him and said, “I think I like playing withmen’s balls.”- Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, Mich.
5. NUTS ABOUT YOU…………
My sister and I were atthe mall and passed by a store that sold a variety ofnuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boybehind the counter asked if we needed any help. Ireplied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.” Mysister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned,and I turned beet red and walked away. To this day, mysister has never let me forget. – Faye Emerick, 34,Ellerslie, Md.
6. PRICELESS………….
A lady picked up severalitems at a discount store. When she finally got up tothe checker, she learned that one of her items had noprice tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checkergot on the intercom and boomed out for all the storeto hear,”PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE.” That was bad enough, but somebody at the rearof the store apparently misunderstood the word”Tampax” for “THUMBTACKS.” In a business-like tone, avoice boomed back over the intercom. “DO YOU WANT THEKIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUNDIN WITH A HAMMER?”
7. MOM’S ADVICE………
A teacher noticed that alittle boy at the back of the class was squirmingaround, scratching his crotch and not payingattention. She went back to find out what was goingon. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that hehad just recently been circumcised and he was quiteitchy. The teacher told him to go down to theprincipal’s office. He was to phone his mother and askher what he should do about it. He did it andreturned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotionat the back of the room. She went back to investigateonly to find him sitting at his desk with his penishanging out. “I thought I told you to call your Mom,”she screamed. “I did,” he said, “and she told me thatif I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pickme up from school.
Continued On Page 3
December 6, 2001 Part 1
By Bandit |
I don’t know how that bastard Bandit does it. Women seem to think he’s so cool that butter won’t melt in his mouth on a hot day. It must be that Barry White baritone of his.
I figured that since he’s out of town, enjoying his world fuckin’ cruise, I could score on all the loose babes. I tried Harold’s, The Alhambra, Royale,The Spot and Rebels.Nothin’. I mean zip. I even tried to put on the charm. I treated one woman to a free beer, goddamn it. Nothin’.Bandit’s haunted every beer dive, gin mill, sleazy saloon, slap happy hour hoo haa, unfortunately his legacy lingers like bad cheese.
I’ve got news for Bandit, he ain’t the coolest dude in town?and I’ve got news for you out there in digital space?
Bandit Reports In—-
It’s 10:15 Wednesday night (EST), 70 miles outside of the Chesapeake Bay. We are rolling along at 17.4 knots with a bearing of almost due north. The seas have a gentle swell to them, but are as glassy as a mirror, reflecting a nearly orange full moon that’s almost on the water and glows like a pumpkin-colored street lamp leading ships across the Atlantic.
Last Friday I awoke to what I believed was the ship getting underway after being anchored outside the mouth of the Savannah River, leading some 30 miles from our dock up the narrow river. I sat up in bed anxious to see us get underway and get into port. I had a mission, actually several. When I looked out the large brass porthole I caught the last docking moves put to the hull by a seagoing tug called General Oglethorpe. We were already in port and secured. I jumped out of the sack like a sailor who missed his watch.
I’m discovering that we are like a delivery truck for general cargo on the sea. If you need something shipped, they’ll pack it away and run it anywhere you want to go. I wonder if the factory needs a bunch of new models shipped to Germany. As it stands, once we leave Baltimore we’ll be empty during our rough seas winter Atlantic crossing. With all the cranes perched top side on this monster, we’ll be top heavy. Give us a call if you have anything to ship. We need the weight or it’s a suicide mission. There is no set schedule that doesn’t change. We had some 70,000 tons of lead in the hull of the ship and we were unloading a substantial amount at the Newport docks off Crossgate Street in Garden City at the Wentworth Port. This ship is designed to carry anything that won’t fit in a container. I suppose they didn’t pack containers full of lead bars due to the weight. Lead is nearly the heaviest metal around. There are only two heavier, mercury and osmium, a rare mercury-like substance. One set of bars strapped together with four double wide shipping straps weighs a ton. It’s about the size of a Harley engine crate.
The union dock workers took over the three 20-ton rusting cranes on the ship and began to unload one clump of lead bars at a time. But they were dismayed with the speed of the process and started to look around for alternatives. There were eight fork lifts on the dock. Fork lifts took a pack of bars from a crane drop and moved it to the center of the pier, then another moved the block of lead off the pier. Over the next four days several efforts were made to streamline the process. First fork lifts were hoisted aboard and into the bottom of the holds. They could stack the blocks over the cables. Then platforms were connected to the cranes and lowered into the holds for the fork lifts to stack on. Finally a system was brought in with two platforms that were attached by cable to another super structure that held the cables over the corners of the platforms and was connected to the crane hooks. This way the crane could drop a batch, be unhooked and hooked to another platform. While the platform on the dock was being unloaded, they loaded another one on the ship.
What was going to be a two-day operation turned into four and the captain gleefully told us each day of the new schedule. I’m discovering that as he tells us one schedule, it could change to something else, but who the fuck cares, I’m just here for the ride. Tuesday night we pulled out of Savannah about two hours late, and the brothers on the dock worked right up to the second we left. The captain informed us that our next stop was a mere 12 hours away in Newport News, Virginia, on the James River, a small port and naval town near Norfolk, an hour from Richmond. I called Lee Clemens from Departure Bike Works who has been a friend for 20 years. Lee was going to hop on his bike and come down for lunch, but when I got up this morning I hit the bridge to find out that we were still 450 miles from Newport.
When I spoke to the captain the night before, he expressed a strong desire to pour the coals to the ass end of this rust-soaked puppy. I’m one deck below the bridge in the cabin next to the captain’s. The vibration on E-deck is enough to shake my teeth loose. While on the bridge I asked him about the vibration, assuming that the main shaft was out of balance. We had just had a fire alarm go off in the engine room and the captain nervously told us that it was no big deal. Fuck, I didn’t pay any attention to the alarm. I didn’t know where to go in the event of an alarm anyway, but I assumed that someone would tell me what to do if we were floundering in the chilly Atlantic waters. At least we could go down in the Gulf Stream and be swimming in tepid waters. The clevis pins holding the life boats on this sucker have been painted a dozen times in 20 years and it would be virtually impossible to free them to lower the boats. I checked my life jacket and the rats hadn’t carried all the stuffing away to make their nests.
The captain straightened me out on the vibration, I think. He had stoked the fires below because he was trying to build speed against the current. Since we were running hard in shallow waters leading out of the harbor, the close bottom enhanced the vibration. The hatches up and down the halls clinked and rattled like old ice machines. We were on two missions: One, to avoid a tropical storm that was whipping its way toward the coast. The other was to get this creaking bastard into Newport to have one of the holds industrially cleaned after the fire in Japan.
I got the hell off in Savannah on the day of the Hog Chapter Toy Run to Old Town Savannah and was able to catch the Christmas parade on River Street, beside the river. As the girls danced past in their tights, I remembered my mission, to find a whore house on the streets that just 20 years ago were crowded with prostitutes. Hell, River Street was made of rectangular granite stones that were used as ballast on ships coming from Europe to grab a load of cotton for the English crowd. Oglethorpe founded Savannah, but couldn’t own land due to his contract. Each guy who wanted to make a life in Savannah and guard the north from the Spanish to the south was given 50 acres and a cow for a start. After the Civil War, General Sherman promised blacks 40 acres and a cow to help them get started once they were freed but that deal was never implemented.
The history in Savannah was incredible, and I can’t remember half of what I learned, but here’s a tidbit: Oglethorpe was a brother. While he was here in America, a friend of his went broke in England and they threw him in debtors’ prison, where he died of small pox. When Oglethorpe found out, it pissed him off and he offered to take debtors to America to keep them out of prisons. The English government was cool with the idea because they didn’t have to house the prisoners, but they had a stipulation that the people still needed to pay their debts. When they arrived in the colonies, Oglethorpe’s crew took plaster prints of their teeth and put them to work in the city doing servant work (he wouldn’t allow slaves in town). They worked like that for four to seven years to pay off their debts, and then they could have their 50 acres and Betsy. That’s where the term indentured servants came from.
I’m proud to announce that last night while we tossed and turned on the briny Atlantic that I finished the fifth chapter of the second book of the Chance series. Maybe we should go ahead and launch chapters in the Cantina. Let me know what you think. This shit is steamy and I don’t mean the fuckin’ boiler room.
The schedule right now claims that we will only be in Newport News for six hours before heading up to Baltimore on the Chesapeake for several days. Then we’ll head across the Atlantic for Germany. I’ll report in after a couple days.
On To Page 2
Chica Custom Cycles
By Crazy Horse |
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 With bike builders seemingly dropping from the trees these days, it gets harder and harder to stand out. Chica of Chica Custom Cycles in Huntington Beach, Calif., doesn’t have that problem. His wide array of unique creations is distinctive enough to get noticed, even among the endless displays at the Indy Dealer Expo and Pomona Easyriders Show, where he took a third place for best of show against other West Coast heavyweights.
 A few years ago, I saw one of his bikes in a magazine and I was blown away. It was a clean, mean scoot that looked like it meant business.
 Chica hails from southern Japan. He started out as a Honda mechanic whose hobby was Harleys. After a few years of turning wrenches for Honda, he started working toward his dream. He and few friends opened up Chica Motorcycle Service. They did mostly service work, not much custom work. But the ideas were brewing and when the opportunity came to move to the States, Chica packed up his wife and kid and moved to Diamond Bar, Calif., where he worked in a friend’s shop. After a year and a half, he decided he could build bikes on his own, bringing his designs to life. It was at that time that Chica met Don Millhouse, who worked for a company that exported aftermarket parts to Japan. Chica built bikes in his garage while Don exported parts from his. They outgrew their garages after six months and opened Chica Custom Cycles in Huntington Beach. That was five years ago.
 Chica’s favorite H-D is the original 1946-47 Knucklehead. But his design ideas are pure late ’60’s-1970s with a surreal twist. Most of the bikes he builds are rigids.
 He also likes the flat track racer look, like his creation for Chrome Specialties’ Trick.
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November 29, 2001 Part 2
By Bandit |
Continued From Page 1
Have you heard the news? They found bin Ladin!They dumped Viagra all over Afghanistan and that little prick just poppedright up!
Don’t know how true this is, but it gives one pause.
You know, it’s funny. I remember very vividly the Oliver North hearings, butdid not recall the name of Osama bin Laden as the terrorist that North wasthreatened by. Has this slime ball been around that long? It’s prettyevident, in hindsight, that we should have listened to OLLIE!
This is from a clip of a video of Oliver North during the Iran-Contra dealsduring the Reagan Administration.
There was Ollie in front of God and country getting the third. But what hesaid stunned me. He was being drilled by some senator I didn’t recognize whoasked him;
‘Did you not recently spend close to $60,000 for a home securitysystem?’
Oliver replied, ‘Yes I did, sir.’
The senator continued, trying to get a laugh out of the audience,
‘Isn’t thisjust a little excessive?’
‘No sir,’ continued Oliver.
‘No. And why not?’
‘Because the lives of my family and I were threatened.’
‘Threatened? By who.’
‘By a terrorist, sir.’
‘Terrorist? What terrorist could possibly scare you that much?’
‘His name is Osama bin Laden.’
At this point the senator tried to repeat the name but couldn’t pronounceit, which most people back then probably couldn’t. A couple of people laughedat the attempt. Then the senator continued.
‘Why are you so afraid of thisman?’
‘Because sir, he is the most evil person alive that I know of.’
‘And what do you recommend we do about him?’
‘If it were me I would recommend an assassin team be formed to eliminate himand his men from the face of the earth.’
The senator disagreed with this approach and that was all they showed of theclip.
It’s scary when you think 15 years ago the government was aware of Osama binLaden and his potential threat to the security of the world.I guess like all great tyrants, they start small but if left untended spreadlike the virus they truly are.
Rogue-
Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions, like, Whatis a sonofabitch? And we wax philosophic with metaphysical postulations,incomplete aphorisms and inconsistent sophism that make one more andmore sure that the only true thing is that a picture is worth a thousandwords.
In this photo, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in midstof a deactivation. The guy behind him, well, he’s a sonofabitch.
Bikernet Caribbean Report—We are guessing Bandit’s already cruising the Caribbean Sea in the USSRustbucket on his way to Panama. I hope his stomach is strong cause theweather is anything but nice this time of year. Looking at what’s goingon in the West, seems like it’s colder than a seal’s butt, and all thatweather rolls down in waves and rain to this part of the world. All we cando is wish him the best luck ever.As life goes, everyone is freezing in the North and now our best ridingseason starts, cooler weather and less rain , ’till the cold fronts come,makes our riding very pleasant. Rides and more rides are starting todevelop for the season. Every Sunday we can find an event going onsomewhere in the island (too bad we still have tons of work) but ourcustomers come into the shop and tell us about their rides. Maybe what I’mtrying to say is that Christmas is the best time ever for us in PuertoRico, we get to see a lot of friends, party and ride around if we have anyfree time, plus the shop does better and better. Maybe I will sound like atourism board TV ad, but if you wanna get out of the miserable cold,consider San Juan, and if you do, please come by the shop, we will point youin the right direction.The guy that was buying the WCC chopper featured here in Bikernet hasbacked out, so the bike is for sale. Please let us know if interested, weare asking $30,000. The bike will be featured in an upcoming The Horseissue.
Watch out for the upcoming hubless wheel from Choppers Inc. Billy did somepretty trick stuff to it. My guess is that it will be featured in The Horsepretty soon.
We received a call from our Curacao friends, who are planning a three-day ridein late March. We will try our best to attend and will make sure to reportevery detail here on Bikernet.
We just got news that the next HOG Caribbean Rally will take place in theDominican Republic. It sounds like a fresh change and knowing our islandneighbors, they will go all out to make all the attendees more than athome.
Well guys, that?s about it. I will go check the new Bourget’s factory and postsome photos next week. The cheapo chopper is on the welding process sothere?s nothing new, WCC No. 2 will be out of the paint booth by this weekendand the final assembly will start.
Take care and see ya next week…….Weasels, you can fool some people some of the time, but can’t fool all thepeople all the time.
Jose – Caribbean Bikernet Report
A man asked his wife, “If you could have anything in the world for oneday, what would you want?””I’d love to be six again,” she replied. On the morning of her birthday, hegot her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. Whataday! He put her on every ride in the park: The Death Slide, TheScreamingLoop, The Wall of Fear, everything there was. Wow!Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling andher stomach upside down. Off to McDonald’s they went, where herhusband ordered her a Big Mac, extra fries and a refreshingchocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywoodblockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & Ms. What a fabulousadventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed intobed.He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what did it feel likebeingsix again?” She opened one eye and looked at him and said “You idiot! Imeant my dress size!”
The moral of this story is:
“If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, He’ll still get itwrong!”
Beware Of The Budweiser Frog! — Someone is sending out a very cute screensaver of the Budweiser Frogs.
If you download it, you will lose everything! Your hard drive will crashand someone from the Internet will get your screen name and password! DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! It just went into circulation yesterday. Please distribute this message.
This is a new, very malicious virus and not many people know about it. This information was announced yesterday morning from Microsoft. Please share it with everyone that might access the Internet.
Once again, Pass This Along To EVERYONE in your address book so that this may be stopped. AOL has said that this is a very dangerous virus and that there is NO remedy for it at this time. This is VERY important. If you receive a screen saver from a friend or anyone you may not know with the Budweiser Frogs in it, DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT OR OPEN THE FILE! Press the forward button on your e-mail program and send this notice to EVERYONE you know. Let’s keep our e-mail safe for everyone.
The Golden Phone— An author decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would work his way across the country.
On his first day, he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read “$10,000 per call.”The author, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000, you could talk to God. The author thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. “OK, thank you,” said the author.
He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington, D.C., Philadelphia, Boston, New York and all the way to Anchorage. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same “$10,000 per call” sign under it.
The author, upon leaving Alaska, saw a poster for Hawaii and decided to see if people in Hawaii also had the same phone. He arrived in Honolulu, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read “10 cents per call.”The author was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. “Father, I’ve traveled all over America and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I’m told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in every state, the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?”
The priest smiled and answered, “You’re in Hawaii now son, it’s a local call.”
FINAL REPORT — This report is coming to you off the coast of Florida somewhere between Miami and Orlando. I’ll be pulling into Savannah tomorrow morning for some pecan pie. You are getting this jumbled mess through a world wide iridium satellite phone and modem. These reports will come to you from wherever I am as we truck across the Atlantic to Hamburg and Italy and through the Med to the Suez Canal. Stay tuned.
Now go for a ride and have a beer on me, goddamnit.
–Bandit