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FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”

How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the requiredpressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at thefront door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won’t do what she’s told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sexdrive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me “What’s on the TV?”
I said, “Dust!”

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then Godcreated Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God norMan has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Driveand said, “I haven’t eaten anything for days.”
She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”

Young Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africaa man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
Wife Wanted.” The next day he received a hundred letters. They allsaid the same thing: “You can have mine.”

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forgetit once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down thestreet with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

HARLEY-DAVIDSON HISTORY PLANS ROADTRIP ACROSS AMERICA

Harley-Davidson Announces New Traveling Museum

MILWAUKEE, WI — (January 25, 2002) Harley-Davidson is taking its history back on the road with an all-new Traveling Museum. “A Highway Through Time” will trace the history of Harley-Davidson with vintage motorcycles, clothing, and memorabilia.

“The heritage and history of Harley-Davidson is very important to us and to our riders,” said Tom Bolfert, Director of Harley-Davidson Archives. “No other motorcycle company in the world can proudly boast of a heritage as long and storied as ours.”

Scheduled to make its debut at Daytona Bike Week, March 4-10, the Traveling Museum will appear at many major motorcycle events throughout the year, including over 100 stops at Harley-Davidson dealerships throughout the country.

Bursting with artifacts and memorabilia sure to intrigue motorcycle enthusiasts of all ages, the Traveling Museum contains original vehicles dating back to 1913. Included in this year’s tour is a 1920 Harley-Davidson bicycle and a rare 1920 Sport Model, featuring a 37 cubic inch, fore and aft opposed twin cylinder engine. Absent from the show circuit in 2001, the previous Traveling Museum hosted over 3 million visitors during its twelve year run.

“This new, larger museum presents our story in a manner more consistent with our stature as the world’s premier motorcycle manufacturer. I’m confident visitors will thoroughly enjoy it,” adds Bolfert.

Harley-Davidson Motor Company, the only U.S. based motorcycle manufacturer, produces heavyweight motorcycles and a complete line of motorcycle parts, accessories and general merchandise. For more information, visit Harley-Davidson’s website at www.harley-davidson.com.

Burn Children?s Summer Camp
There is a Burned Children?s Summer Camp in Washington State called CampPhoenix, which is held on Aug 25th this year. contact is Michael425-347 or Jeep at Skagit H-D (360) 757-1515
http://www.burnfund.org/help/burncampvideo.html

About five years ago my wife Rosalie & I started attending along withthe North Cascade HOG Chapter, we took the kids for rides on theHarley. It is wonderful to put smiles on those children?s faces.

Camp Phoenix is located at the edge of some flats that wind almostthrough the pacific ocean no trees, shrubs to speak of and then youcome to a bluff and the camp is on top. Real nice spot to have a summercamp. More like it is right in the beach rather than on the beach.

The second year we attended, it was raining down in buckets. Thechildren were hanging around in the meeting hall doing art projects andplaying chess and the like when the Councilor (there are two ways tospell this word. They have different meanings, I don?t know which one iswhich, so you may see both ways in this message and you can rest assurednone of them are intended to mean an attorney) asked them what theywanted to do the first day of camp this year. All excited, they said inunison ?we want to go on Harley rides.? The councilor said ?It?s rainingreally hard, the HOG group might not be able to attend.? I?m told thechildren mumbled a little and continued to do their projects. About anhour later he said ?you could hear the thunder about a mile or so awayas 65 or 70 Harleys made their way to camp in the pouring rain. The kidsbolted to the door and waited for us outside in the rain.?

Since our first year at burn camp Rosalie & I continue to ask fellowmotorcyclists to join us at the burn camps and take the kids for a ride.

Our Vancouver CANADA HOG Chapter turns out every year to an event thatwe affectionately call the BURN CAMP RIDE. We have since gotten evolvedwith the British Columbia Professional Firefighters Burn Fund. Last yearwe got the British Columbia Hot Rod Association on board.

The Vancouver Chapter holds barbecues like when Trev Deeley Motorcycleshas a Show n? Shine, and we sell Harley-Davidson caps, & burn camp pinsand T-shirts to raise money. We use the money to buy neat things asgifts for the burned kids like super soaker water blasters, Harleybaseball caps, Harley water bottles, Burn Camp Ride Bandanas, Burn CampRide T-shirts and the like. Our local burn camp is in Brackendale BC.This year the British Columbia camp is on July 21st (contact Dave orPeter 604 436-5617 or Dan 604 984-7831).

We meet in Trev Deeley Motorcycles parking lot, where we hold a barbecueto load up on grub because it?s going to be a long day. We get a motorpolice escort from Deeley?s to the freeway and ride to the 99’er Caf?parking lot in Britannia Beach about 30 miles away along a twistyseashore/mountainous type road where we wait for the kids & councilorsto show up in their school busses. Then we escort them to camp about 15miles away.

The kids & councilors alike stow their gear in their cabins then lineup for Harley & Hot Rod rides. You can believe me when I say that nobodytakes their time. It?s like the race is on. I don?t know who is moreexcited the kids or the counselors. Personally I think it is us, themotorcyclists.

One part that I like is they jockey for rides in the sidecars (there are3 of us who usually attend with hacks) and then when they get back froma ride, they go right to the back of the line so as to go ride again.Sometimes it is difficult to get the helmet & goggles back they want torun over the next bike and go for a spin on that one. It?s great fun?

Some of these children are severely disfigured, and they are real good>at staying out of the camera lens. So it is extra special to see thoseones smiling. If we can take their mind off their problems for a fewminutes, well it?s worth all the effort. Like the song says ?sometimes we can be heroes.?

I urge you to check with the firefighters in your town to see if thereis a burn children?s summer camp near you, I know you are busy but ifyou can, please get involved.By the way, these rides are not brand specific so push pull or drag yourass on what ever you ride but please attend.

Respectfully yours,
Dan McNeil
Activities Officer
Vancouver CANADA HOG Chapter

From The Waist Down—-A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.

My Nomination for Airline Clerk of the Year—
Oh, to be able to think this fast!

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point. She was confronted with apassenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo?

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said “IHAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”

The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.” The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?” Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, “May I have your attention please, ” she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity,please come to Gate 14.”

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glaredat the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore “Fuck You!”.

Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that too.” ______

Bad to the Bone!

Bad To The Bone!What we are looking for here is a smile!That is right, just a little smile.If you have one on your face now then you must pass this along to someone else who could use a smile or two!

Continued On Page 3

“Damn?.where the f?Huh? Wha?? We’re on? Shit! You mean I gotta’ talk? I just wandered in here looking for a bottle opener. So now you want me to introduce the Thursday News? Damn.” Sin Wu screeched at me from somewhere in the house. I usually try to avoid the den of sex kittens she has gathered around her after Bandit bagged-ass out of town.

“I’m just trying to find a friggin’ bottle opener, goddamn it,” I hollered back at her to no avail. Ever since Bandit bailed outta’ here for his high-seas, world-girdling adventure, the efficiency of the well-oil machine that is Bikernet, has gotten more than just a bit greasy.

Sin Wu and her pack of scantily clad, nubile nymphets frolic about, leaving lacey bras and panties hanging off of every piece of furniture, door knobs and the shower curtain rod. The Bikernet mascot and mouse-mangler, Lucky, has gone feral. Dead and half-eaten critter carcasses liter the kitchen floor. Taking his cue from Sin Wu, he sleeps all day and parties all night.

As if that wasn’t enough, last week a couple of old bike riding louts from Bandit’s sordid youth, set up a ‘squatters ‘ camp in one of the old, empty truck bodies Bandit had intended to use for storing bike parts. The two reprobates, Bubba Rutabegga and his sidekick Lemmy Homo, are real hemorrhoids.

Luckily, they keep mostly to themselves. But it’s still distracting to have them out back, hollering and cackling away as their camp fire of busted up wooden pallets they steal from the harbor, spits and crackles.

These two and their rusty rat-bikes are starting to give Bikernet a bad name with the normally tolerant neighbors. The old, stooped -over, shawl-covered Mexican grandmas who push their squeaky shopping carts the 20 blocks to the Chihuahua Mercado on Gaffey and 5th St., give Bubba the sour ‘skunk eye’ when ever they pass by him.

Last night I was working late in the Bikernet garage, trying to bring to life a pile of discarded bike parts that Bandit and Nuttboy had been collecting in a couple of cardboard boxes in the back of the garage. About 11PM I heard this hollering and clattering outside. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lemmy Homo stumbling past the garage door, his pant leg ablaze.

Apparently, the two of them had earlier scored a six-pack of Old English ‘400’. After downing the heady brew, the two of them dozed off in the warmth of the fire. Lemmy Homo had slowly rolled over into the edge of the fire. By the time his benumbed synapses had finally jolted a signal to the pain center of his pickled brain, his pant leg looked like he’d be running for the opening Olympic ceremonies at Salt Lake City.

Torch Movie – Click Here

Speakin’ of the torch, check out what our own Helen Wolfe captured runnin’ right past her shop in Washington!

I wandered outside to tell them to quiet down. I walked up to the smiling Bubba whose bulging greasy cheeks shinned in the reflected light of the campfire. He was eating from a galvanized bucket of Louisiana Cajun Buttered Prawns he had snagged from a ‘dumpster’ behind one of San Pedro’s finest fish restaurants. The bucket was precariously balanced on a couple of rocks near the licking flames of the fire.

“Hey bro, I scored a bucket of prawns. You want some?” His hammy fist dug into the steaming bucket and came up with a goodly wad of the translucent shelled, pink crustaceans. “They’s mighty tasty, bro.”

I shook my head at the pro-offered spicy delights. With a shrug, he crammed the steaming mess into his gaping mouth. Lemmy Homo came limping back, cussing and griping, to the glowing edge of the sputtering fire.

“You done dancing?” Bubba had turned to Lemmy Homo, spattering the sidekick with a confetti shower of glistening prawn exoskeleton as he spoke. Lemmy Homo ignored the sarcasm and dug a greasy mitt into the steaming bucket.

“Hey Snake, what’s new?” Bubba tilted his head sideways like the RCA dog at an old Victrola horn, listening for his master’s voice.

Keeping out of range of the prawn splatter, I clued them into the past week’s happenings.

Mike Pullin proudly announces:4th ANNUAL RUN FOR BREATH
In Memory of his son Justin
Sunday, July 28, 2002
BRAND NEW FOR 2002!
ALL FESTIVITIES WILL BE HELD AT
LOWE?S MOTOR SPEEDWAY

IN CONJUNCTION WITH THE HORSE
MAGAZINE
DURING THE 2002 SMOKE OUT

POKER RUN———————————————–T-SHIRTS
BIKE SHOW——————————————LIVE MUSIC
DOOR PRIZES———————————FOOD & DRINKS

SPECIAL GUEST STAR ? Keith ?Bandit? Ball
President, bikernet.com

Poker Run Registration ? 9:00 ? 12:00
Turn 3 ? Lowe?s Motor Speedway
$10 Per Hand (3 Hands for $20)

Bike Show Registration ? 11:00 ? 2:30
Turn 3 ? Lowe?s Motor Speedway
$10.00 Per Bike

DON?T MISS THE BIGGEST MOTORCYCLE EVENT
IN THE CAROLINAS!

ALL PROCEEDS BENEFIT:
Camp Air Care – American Lung Association of NC
This camp is for children with asthma. Justin Pullin lost his life due to an acute asthma attack in 1998 at the age of 16.

For more information call Mike Pullin at 704-847-4647 or 704-573-9396

Caribbean Bikernet Report—-
This past week we took it seriously, we mocked two bikes, yeap not one,two Baby ! The bikes are , of course, Choppers and there might be a couplesurprises for you Bikernet junkies, also our let’s save the underratedSportster is almost done and we hope to be able (if our painter gets histhumb outta his ass ) feature the improvements next week. I humbly thinkthat we did a pretty cool bike on a very limited budget.Now for this weeks very important message:

If you have see this person please contact his next of kin, he was lastseen the 13 th of January after the Jesse James show, all we know is thathe got on his chopper and was going to try ride 1,300 miles just likeJesse did on the show, Puerto Rico being only 100 miles long that means atleast a gazillion times over. We tried to put his mug on a milk carton butthe local companies are afraid of an all time low on milk sales. We’ve hadreports of a weird yellow bike zooming around our rural areas, but no proofyet, could this guy be the real and infamous Goat sucker? Guess only timewill tell. If you see this guy please call 555- Chopdude.

Hey, look what we are going to use on our next bike, yep a real, honest toGod, original, stock 1965 Panhead, yeepee !There’s nothing better looking (in the bike motor world , of course) than aPanhead , oh well, Knucks are there too, yep, that engine is 36 years oldand it’s going into a brand spankin’ new chop for Bike Week. And sohappens my new bike, well maybe for sale if the right offer is made….. Keep tuned to Bikernet. com and The Horse magazine for the outcome, it’slooking good already, yessir.

We have an update on our missing persons case, another chopper rider wasable to ride for a few miles with the missing link, err person. Chiqui, wasbreaking in his new chop when he “found” the yellow chopper at a gasstation, we are guessing the rider was taking a “leak” the they rode for 50or so miles ’till meeting the Atlantic ocean and then turning back. Ourfriend reports that Kevin, (the missing person) was wearing the sameChopper Freak t-shirt and smelly jeans that he had on the 13th. Chiqui hadto bail out of the chase since the BO was not tolerated. We will keep ourupdates in following weeks or until the missing Mad man is found.

Also the local chopper guys are telling stories of some Bikernet babespartying their asses off in Old San Juan, skimpy summer dresses andcleavage is all they can mutter after more than 62 solid hours of drinkingand partying in the super crowded streets.One of the guys, Pepe kept mumbling the word “Sin” we are still trying tofigure out if it’s what they did or who they met, all he can recall is twosexy ladies going at each other in a dark alley of the 500 year old city.The question is, could the Bikernet ladies be in two places at the sametime, or someone is not telling the truth? Maybe the boys Layla was talkingabout are actually our local ni?os.

We just scored an old chopper, sight unseen; the seller claims it’s a 53,we are picking it up and will take photos for our Bikernet readers, we seeanother project coming up, and we are going to show every step of the wayhere . I was dying to do an Old Skool chop and the sale price was way toogood to let is pass. Let’s see what’s up with that.

Oh well, we have a few things to do, like plan all this new projects andlook for the sinful Bikernet babes, besides there were no news this week,and no news is good news. Like I said we are going to change things up abit, some news, some stories, some builds, and some blatant promotion ofour shop. And since Bandit’s away in the Super Stinkpot we can get awaywith what the hell we want……….Maybe next week I can slip some nakkidchicks photos without the censor strips, yessir….

See ya’ next week, with more news and more bull……

Jose – Caribbean Bikernet report (and since Bandit’s away, fictionand sex correspondent)

Continued On Page 2

This oilpump photograph shows the vent line behind the oil pump. This is aShovelhead with an S&S pump with the feed inlet on the top plugged.We ran the feed to the bottom like old pumps to clean it up.

The oil lines on a Shovel are straight forward. There are two oilline fittings atop the oil pump cover on late model Shovel engines. Theoutside fitting is the feed oil line from the oil tank to the engine, theinside oil line is the return oil from the engine to the tank.

There isanother oil line fitting threaded into the crankacse just above the oilpump. This is the breather oil line fitting from the engine back to the oiltank. The crankcase breather fitting is located inboard of the pump on thelower curve of the cases and must be vented to the atmosphere.

There isanother threaded hole in the crankcases located on the same machined surfaceof the cases that the oil pump bolts to, this threaded hole is inboard of thepump and hard to see if the pump is already in place. This inboard hole canbe plugged, it was originally used to supply oil to the primary chaincasewhen the factory circulated the engine oil through the primary for chainlubrication. The crankcase vent fitting can be seen in the photo, it is a 45degree fitting with a length of oil line clamped to it, the line is thenrouted back under the bike.

Keep in mind that if you want to run coolers or filters to putthem in line with the main return from the top of the pump.

That’s all folks.

FEDS TO TIGHTEN MOTORCYCLE EMISSIONS

THE AIM/NCOM MOTORCYCLE E-NEWS SERVICE is brought to you by Aid to Injured Motorcyclists (A.I.M.) and the National Coalition of Motorcyclists (NCOM), and is sponsored by the Law Offices of Richard M. Lester. For more information, call us at 1-(800) ON-A-BIKE. Visit us on our website at

NCOM COAST TO COAST BIKER NEWS
Compiled and Edited by BILL BISH,
NATIONAL COALITION OF MOTORCYCLISTS

FEDS TO TIGHTEN MOTORCYCLE EMISSIONS Even as the federal Environmental Protection Agency finalizes their first ever emissions standards for off-road motorcycles and ATV’s, a draft proposal indicates that the EPA’s next step will be to adopt California’s tough new emissions standards for all new street motorcycles sold nationwide beginning in 2006.

Under recently enacted emissions regulations in California, beginning in 2004 new motorcycles must emit no more than 1.4 grams per kilometer of hydrocarbons and nitrogen oxides, and 12 grams per kilometer of carbon monoxide. The proposed federal standard would be the same, but would go into effect in 2006.

California’s two-tiered standard gets tougher in 2008, with a limit of 0.8 grams per kilometer of hydrocarbons and nitrogen oxides and 12 grams per kilometer of carbon monoxide. Again, the proposed federal standard would be the same, but would not go into effect until 2010.

The current federal emissions standard for on-road motorcycles is 5.0 grams per kilometer of hydrocarbons and 12 grams per kilometer of carbon monoxide.

Motorcycle manufacturers are expected to utilize fuel injection and catalytic converters in order to meet the strict new regulations.

A Public Comment period must take place before the new EPA regulations can be adopted, and the AMA, MRF and NCOM encourages all concerned motorcyclists to make their voices heard!

“OZ” ACTOR ARRESTED FOR WEARING COLORS— Chuck Zito, actor and bodyguard to the stars, was arrested and ejected from a Connecticut casino after refusing to remove his Hells Angels colors, reported the Boston Globe.

Zito, who plays prison inmate Chucky Pancamo on the critically acclaimed HBO series “Oz”, was charged with first-degree criminal trespass by state police after he refused to take off his Hells Angels jacket or to leave the Foxwoods Resort Casino.

A former bodyguard whose clients included Sylvester Stallone, Sean Penn and Charlie Sheen, Zito was at the casino at the invitation of HBO to attend the Evander Holyfield-John Ruiz WBA heavyweight fight on December 15, 2001.

Security guards immediately told Zito that no colors or gang jackets were allowed in the hall.

Casino officials asked Zito to remove his jacket, but he refused, police said. When told he would have to either remove the jacket or leave, Zito refused to do either, prompting troopers to arrest him.

Casino spokesman Bruce McDonald said Foxwoods has a rule barring patrons from wearing gang colors in the casino for fear it will incite violence. Zito was given every opportunity to remove the jacket, but refused, McDonald said

“He was very cooperative and the arrest was made without incident,” said state police Sgt. Ken Kelly. Zito posted a $500 cash bond and will return for a court appearance on the charges.

The 48-year-old actor and stunt man, whose movie credits include “Amistad”, and “Die Hard 3”, said the casino’s rule is not posted and that he believes it is discriminatory.

“We’re going to sue Foxwoods, the state police and anyone else who arrested me,” Zito told the Day of New London. “It was discrimination. They violated my civil rights and they humiliated me.”

“This is an absolute violation of my civil liberties,” said an unrelenting Zito. “I’m calling my lawyer and we’re going to get this straightened out right away. That is discrimination to say motorcycle people can’t go into a fight.”

A member of the Hells Angels for more than 22 years, Zito said he refused to take off his jacket because he was defending his beliefs.

“If a guy walks in here with a Yankees jacket, are you going to make him take it off?” he asked. “This is America, this isn’t Russia.”

FREE AT LAST!— In what hopefully will be the last chapter in the sentencing saga of Richard Aikman, the Kansas biker who received a prison sentence for wearing a belt buckle, Aikman appeared on July 18, 2001 at the Osborne County, Kansas Courthouse for his third sentencing in a possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia case which originated in 1998.

As readers may recall, Aikman was twice sentenced to jail and prison time for wearing a belt buckle displaying the words, “Sons of Silence.” The first two sentences were successfully appealed by Kansas Confederation of Clubs and A.I.M. Attorney, Keith Renner.

Both appeals centered around the sentencing court’s illegal use of Aikman’s apparel to justify enhancing Aikman’s sentence. The sentencing court maintained that Aikman’s belt buckle was indicative of gang affiliation. Even though there were no issues relating to gang affiliation, the sentencing court also found that the crimes were gang related. In the first sentencing, Aikman received one year in county jail on his misdemeanor conviction and probation on his felony conviction. After Renner appealed and succeeded in having the case remanded for resentencing, the sentencing court gave Aikman not only the year in county jail on the misdemeanor, but also gave him one year in prison on the felony, still for wearing the belt buckle.The Kansas Court of Appeals indicated in no uncertain terms in their second decision that Aikman’s rights had been violated by the sentencing court.

The second remand made it clear that Aikman should be sentenced according to the Kansas Sentencing Guidelines, which mandate probation.

In a very short hearing in the stifling heat of a rural Kansas courtroom, Chief Judge William B. Elliott placed Richard Aikman on twelve months of probation on both counts. Upon motion by attorney Renner, Judge Elliott then released Aikman from probation based upon his supervision by court services personnel for over two and one half years while he was on bond awaiting the outcome of his appeals.

Judge Elliott indicated that Aikman had more than served his sentence. Aikman was visibly relieved after living an almost three year nightmare under the threat of prison time for such minor offenses. Renner said, “I am very glad to finally see this matter put to rest. Rick Aikman has sacrificed a great deal in his fight for justice. It takes a lot of guts to stand up for what is right when your foe is the state, but Rick stood up and won this victory for all freedom loving people.”

NEWS OF THE WEIRD: BIKER FINED $103,000 FOR SPEEDING— The bursting of the tech bubble has been felt in many corners of the globe, but has it ever been an issue in traffic court? Today it was — in Helsinki, Finland — where Mr. Ansii Vanjoki appealed a fine that he received for speeding last October when he was caught on his Harley-Davidson motorcycle doing 47 miles per hour in a 31-mph zone.

What does the tech bubble have to do with this?

In Finland, speeding fines are calculated according to income. And Vanjoki, who is an executive vice president of the telecom giant, Nokia, is near the top of the income pyramid. But he argued in court that incomes at Nokia aren’t necessarily what they used to be. He claims that his fine was based on his income in 1999 when the bubble was at its height, and he cashed in on stock options for Nokia shares that were selling at about $50 a share. Today the stock closed at $21.46 a share, down 5%.

Why all the fuss? If Vanjoki doesn’t get his fine reduced, he’ll have to pay $103,000.

That’s not a typo.

That’s his fine: $103,000.

Be forewarned: If you speed on a Harley in Helsinki, you’re doing the town “high on the Hog.”
PETER NULTY, Editor
StrongSignals.com

QUOTABLE QUOTE:
“The evils of tyranny are rarely seen but by him who resists it.”
JOHN HAY, Lincoln’s Journalist

NOTE: If you would like to subscribe to the AIM/NCOM Motorcycle E-News Service, simply send a SUBSCRIBE message to aimncom@aimncom.com.

BIKERNET NEWS FLASH….

Continued From Page 2

THE FINAL CHAPTER– A dense fog sat off the coast of Egypt as we steamed close yesterday morning and delayed our entrance into the Suez Canal by a couple of hours. As we entered we experienced something we have never endured in any port in the United States or Europe. Keep in mind that this is a rat bike of a ship, and not something that should draw attention. The hull is painted a dull, spotty gray. The lettering “Leon” was hand painted by someone who had no business with a black brush. The rest of the ship is rust and 14 coats of various paints from Hamster yellow to lawn green and rust red (the Rickmers colors). Yet even with the appearance of a marijuana smuggling ship and a crew to match, we were surrounded by a flotilla of ratty skiffs to highly varnished teak wood run-abouts carrying numerous Egyptians who sold tourist packages, leather jackets, metal plates of polished bras and enamel pharaohs. They surrounded the ship as a series of broad, 50-car and 200-passenger ferries attempted to cross the canal with packs of people from one Port Said on the Egyptian side to Sinai on the other. This portion of Sinai is controlled by Egypt, while the southern portion is part of Saudi Arabia and on the east it’s part of Israel. Lots of fighting has taken place on this small chunk of land that borders the Suez Canal and is no more than a desert of rock, gravel and boulders with rugged granite peaks, ridges arid valleys and tablelands. The greater part of the peninsula is very mountainous.

The canal was opened for navigation in 1869 and engineered by the same Frenchman who began the work on the Panama Canal, which was finished by Americans and opened in 1913. By the Convention of Constantinople on Oct. 29, 1888, the Suez Canal was open to vessels of all nations and is free from blockades except during time of war. From 1956 to ’57, it was closed due to the Suez Canal Crisis because of numerous sunken wrecks. In June of ’67 it was closed again as a result of the Israeli/Arab war and not re-opened to international shipping until June 1975. Without its shipping channel from Europe to the Pacific ports, ships are forced into a long difficult and notorious trip around the southern tip of Africa. That closure was responsible for increased fuel prices due to the added transportation costs.

So I headed down the stairwell yesterday evening for dinner and discovered Egyptians selling leather jackets, trinkets, toys and tools on each level of the stairway. Each one approached me as I descended to have quiet chow in the mess hall. It was bizarre and immediately I suspected that it was some agreement with the harbor that let them storm the ship.Later I met with the captain who told me that if he didn’t allow them on board we would have serious problems getting through the canal. He told me of a story where the wives of stevedores came to the docks in Thailand everyday, cooked and sold their food to the ship crews. One particular captain told his men that they were not allowed to spend money with these people. The next day no stevedores showed up and cargo off-loading ceased until business with the ladies resumed. That cost that ship a small fortune.

It took us three and a half days to find the Suez. If we had arrived between three and five in the morning we would have sailed through. Some 25 commercial vessels are allowed through going east and 25 west daily. It’s a traffic jam of ships. Ah, but since we steamed into port in the afternoon, we were stuck for the night. We were scheduled to depart at 1 a.m., which turned into 5 a.m. and took us 10 hours to make it to the city of Suez at the end of the canal and the beginning of the Gulf of Suez, which leads into the dense Red Sea. From there to the Gulf of Aden that rounds the corner of Saudi Arabia into the Indian Ocean heading to Singapore, which will take an additional 13 days.

Day before yesterday we passed the Island of Crete off the coast of Greece. The people of the city of Iraklion, Crete, once ruled the Mediterranean. They were rich with metals and ships, but one day a massive earthquake took the city out. It is believed by a large percentage of scholars that this is the city of Atlantis 4-5000 years ago.

The captain had another story about a nearby Kasos island named after the Greek Odyssey of the Cyclops. Our captain knew another captain who ran for major on that island and won. He did it by recruiting people to come to the island and vote for him. His competition was working the same angle and hired a number of excited voters to arrive on the island via a plane from Athens. The captain got word of the ploy and called a connection at the airport. They held up the plane due to “mechanical problems” until the election was over.

Alright, that’s all the bullshit stories I have to report at this moment. I will attempt to stay on duty. In the meantime I roughed out chapter 20 of my second Chance book and chapter 17 of the first one. I’ve got to come up with some titles for these fuckin’ novels. In the meantime, get your rides ready for the summer. It’s coming on strong—Bandit.

BIKERNET NEWS FLASH….

Continued From Page 1

Puss-In-Boots In The Nude!

Well, sorta. Don?t keep scrolling down guys, you?re not going to see her ass.I put a call out last week for your pictures of tattoos. I?ve only received a couple of responses so?.. Come on you people?.. Send me your tattoos! With your submission to sinwu@bikernet.com, be sure to include your address and I’ll send you a Bikernet sticker. One of the Bikernet bitches showed hers last week so don?t be shy. Let?s have em? people.

Hey Puss, sorry I won’t be making it out your way for my birthday. Chris Chrome and some shady folks from the IMB Academy are taking me out for sushi. The Sifu’s birthday is Monday the 21st, the day before mine. He said for my birthday he won’t kick my ass. For his birthday I have to… well, I’d better not say since Bandit isn’t around. Someone keeps telling him what’s going on here. There’s a rat in the headquarters and it ain’t no female.

Layla

5 stages of sex

1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period;youboth keep doing it until you’re blue in the face.

2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage;you’ll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You’ve calmed down a bit, perhaps>> havekids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which youpasseachother in the hallway and say, “SCREW YOU!”

5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is whenyougetdivorced and your wife (or husband) screws you in front of everyoneinthecourtroom.

Quilting2friendship Fat Theology

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And Satan created McDonald’s. And McDonald’s brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, “You want fries with that?”

And Man said, “Super size them.” And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.”

And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, “I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.”

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained pounds.

And God said, “You’re running up the score, Devil.”

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, “It is good.”

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMOs.

Truck Black Box

Over the last five years the NTSB has been covertly funding aproject with U.S.auto makers whereby the auto makers have been installing “black boxes”in allfour-wheel-drive pickup trucks they have manufactured. This was todetermine, infatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before thecrash. Theywere surprised that in 42 of the 50 states, the last words of the drivers in61.2 percent of thefatal crashes were, “OH SHIT!” Only the states of Arkansas, WestVirginia,Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee weredifferent,where over 89.3 percent of the final words were, “Hold my beer and watch this.”

Harley-Davidson Introduces Firefighter Special Edition–

Cast from the strong and reliable reputation of Harley-Davidson’s Touring line, the new for 2002 Harley-Davidson Firefighter Special Edition salutes the heroes who risk their lives everyday.Sporting a solid Scarlet Red paint scheme with double gold pinstripes and the renowned characteristic Harley chrome treatment, the Firefighter Special Edition FLHTC Classic Electra Glide, FLHRI Road King and FLHTCUI Ultra Classic Electra Glide are signature red fire trucks on two wheels. Powered by Harley-Davidson’s Twin Cam 88 engine, the Firefighter Special rolls with smooth, supple power. Rubber isolation mounts keep vibrations to the rider at a minimum, while the plush suspension makes the ride into the station comfortable.

Kin to the Peace Officer Special Edition models, the Firefighter Special Editions come with a decal to fit on the bike’s console describing the model as the “H-D Firefighter Special Edition”, while cast wheels finish up an aesthetic treatment that complements the touring model’s classic lines.

The honor of being a firefighter has its rewards, and the only way to order a Firefighter Special Edition is by submitting a copy of an official firefighter identification card when ordering the model through your local dealer

Harley-Davidson Motor Company, the only major U.S.-based motorcycle manufacturer, produces heavyweight motorcycles and a complete line of motorcycle parts, accessories and general merchandise. For more information, visit Harley-Davidson’s web site at www.harley-davidson.com.

BONNEVILLE SALT FLATS BOOK REPRINTED–

The Bonneville Salt Flats history book is scheduled for its thirdprinting,but will be a second edition with selected corrections. It will be a soft coveredition with a retail pricing of $24.95. This will allow more people toafford the book. The books are expected to be in the warehouse no later thanMay 2002.

On a sad note, the publisher has informed me they are allowing the hardbound edition to go out of print. In an effort to stave off the inevitable alittle while longer, I worked out a one-time opportunity to make one finalorder of hardbound books (these will also have the above mentionedcorrections) and will place the order Jan. 31.

Without making any financial commitment, I am polling interested parties todiscover what, if any, interest there would be in obtaining the finalhardbound editions of the book.

I am also ordering a limited number of unbound books that will becomespecially autographed editions available for sale at a future, undetermineddate (It’s going to take a long time to get them all signed by the racers).

If you have any interest in either the hard bound, or special autographededitions, please reply to me no later than Jan. 27.

LandSpeed Productions will be upgrading its communications network and maybe off-line for up to three weeks. The fax number will also be changing.There is no guarantee that email will be delivered to me after the 27th.When the new service is established and stabilized, contact information willbe made available.

–“LandSpeed” Louise Ann Noeth

Continued On Page 3

BIKERNET NEWS FLASH….

If you’ve been staying on top of this mess, fine. If you just stumbled in here, you’re in for a surprise. I’m supposed to write a stunning motorcycle related news column weekly, but I can’t. No, I wasn’t run over by four old golfers in Palm Springs. I’m on a tramp freighter traveling around the world–from Los Angeles to, hopefully, Los Angeles, and from Houston to Houston by ship. I’m nearing the halfway point as I sit dead in the water in Port Said on the coast of Egypt.

This is the MV (motorized vessel) Leon owned by the Rickmers Shipping Company (since 1834). I found out yesterday that MS stands for Majesty’s Ship. It use to be HMS for Her (or his if the king was on top of the heap) Majesty’s Ship.

Before I get to the news, I want to mention how fortunate I am to be able to send these reports and stay in communication with the site. Thanks goes to my old pal Bob Bitchin, who owned Biker Magazine and Tattoo, and who now owns the sailing magazine “Latitudes and Attitudes,” of which I own a small portion. Since Bob deals with sea-going communication systems, he turned me onto an iridium satellite phone. The phone works, although I will write a report on the foibles of its use for the sailing magazine. It’s a costly device and for the Bikernet girls to call me and whisper in my ear ranges from $2.47 a minute to seven bucks. That’s fuckin’ outrageous and if anyone knows anything cheaper for satellite phone calls, holler quick. We’re going broke trying to bring you these reports.

On a more positive note, and I may have mentioned this before, when I packed my sea bag and hit the trail, I put the site in the hands of my trusty crew: Layla, Sinwu, Nuttboy, Digital Gangster and Jon Towle. I confess that I had no notion of what I was doing and was sure that they could spring a vast, more glorious site on the Internet world. They proved me right. Hits surpassed the 1.7 million hit mark last month, more new customers than ever before. They must be doing something right.

BIKERNET STOCK TIP–I just couldn’t resist giving you this opportunity to make some moneywith me! I’m buying this stock for sure!

Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRAwill soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola(Pepsi Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for useas-is,or as a mixer, under the name “Mount And Do”.

Pepsi’s proposed ad campaign suggests: “It will now be possible for aman to literally pour himself a stiff one.”

Sharing the Victory Experience: Victory Motorcycles Launches Victory Riders Association and Ride Program

Victory riders are a diverse lot. They come in all shapes and sizes, live everywhere from California to Maine, and they have customized their bikes so no two Victorys look alike.Yet all Victory owners share one defining characteristic: A love of the Victory motorcycle experience. They love to ride their Victorys and they love to develop friendships with fellow Victory riders.To help Victory owners share their experiences with more of their fellow riders, the Victory Motorcycle Division has introduced the Victory Riders Association, the VRA, the official Victory riders group.Every registered owner of a Victory motorcycle is automatically a member of the VRA. There is no membership fee and no obligations for members except to enjoy the ride.

There is, however, an official quarterly magazine and a new series of organized group rides for Victory owners.”We are developing the VRA methodically,” said Victory Marketing Manager Darcy Betlach. “The first element of the VRA was Victory Magazine, which we introduced in the spring of 2001. Now we are introducing Victory Rides and the Corporate Ride Coordinator program, and we all continue to add elements to the VRA.”

Victory Rides are exactly what the name says: Group rides for Victory owners. The rides are planned by Corporate Ride Coordinators (CRCs), Victory riders who volunteer to plan successful Victory Rides in their local areas.Victory owners who have experience organizing events and who know what it takes to create a great ride are applying to become CRCs, Betlach said. Applicants are evaluated on the basis of their riding experience, organizational skills, ride proposals, and three references, one of whom must be a Victory dealer.

CRCs work with area Victory dealers to ensure that all area VRA members are aware of the events, and to utilize the dealers’ resources and event-planning experience, Betlach said, but CRCs have final responsibility for planning the details of each ride.

In the programs first year, Victory Rides are expected to be held in 16 metropolitan areas with strong concentrations of Victory owners: Washington, D.C., New York City, Boston, Atlanta, Orlando/Tampa, Dallas, Houston, Denver, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Seattle, Minneapolis, Detroit, Chicago, Cleveland, and Phoenix.VRA members will be informed of upcoming rides in their home area by mail and e-mail, and dates of all Victory rides will be posted on the Victory Web site (www.victory-usa.com). Every Victory Ride is open to all VRA members (and their riding buddies), so Victory owners are more than welcome to travel to events held long distances from home.”Knowing Victory owners and how they love to ride, I expect they all view Victory rides in other regions as opportunities for road trips,” said Betlach.

For more information on Victory Motorcycles, including a dealer locator, visit the Victory Web site at: www.victory-usa.com. A dealer locator service is also offered at (800) POLARIS.Victory Motorcycles is a division of Polaris Industries Inc. Information about the complete line of Polaris products is available from authorized Polaris dealers or from the Polaris homepage at www.polarisindustries.com.

Polaris designs, engineers, manufactures, and markets snowmobiles, all-terrain vehicles (ATVs), Victory motorcycles, watercraft, and the Polaris RANGER for recreational and utility use. Polaris is the largest snowmobile manufacturer in the world, and one of the largest U.S. manufacturers of ATVs and watercraft. Polaris enhances the riding experience with a complete line of Pure Polaris apparel, accessories, and parts available at Polaris dealerships. Consumers can also purchase apparel and vehicle accessories around the clock online at www.polarisindustries.com.

Eight Inches Of Pure??
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for two days and a veryembarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think beforeshe speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any …. true story …

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed anddidn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked “So Bob, where’s that 8inches you promised me last night?”

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they werelaughing so hard !

Bikernet Caribbean Report

The year is over and now it really feels like it. We are already planning forDaytona and the dealer expos. We are getting used to writing ’02 on checksand invoices and new projects are already on the building tables. We have alocal party called Fiestas de San Sebastian, which lasts five days andmarks the end of our holiday season and hence the beginning of this newyear.

Bandit should be around the coast of Sardinia, close to isola Magdalena andCosta Esmeralda. This is a lovely area, where the Italian creme de lacreme go to vacation. Nice seas when they want to be, but the nastiest thistime of year. I hope the USS Rust Bucket takes him to safe harbor.

I?m guessing a lot of us have seen the new Jesse James show, “MotorcycleMania 2.” I’m guessing there’s no stopping now for the custom bike builder(in general). Let me tell ya’, not only Jesse benefits from these specials,but so does all of the industry.If the viewers were actually paying attention (and not only drooling overthe bikes), you might have noticed that:
A) A segment of film was transposed, the primary and jockey shift were onthe right side of the bike.
B) Chopper Dave’s hard-to-find carb was an S&S (how hard are those tofind?)
C) Giusseppe (the Italian guy) was very lucky, the black bike was a lenderfrom Pete.
D) Jesse’s new red Ferrari at the shop.
E) Shaq drinks shitloads of pop.

Anyway, it was very interesting and I believe mere mortals (non riders) gota good idea of all the different stages of bike building, painting, chrome,etc. And I bet it was a blast riding with all those characters. We hopethere is a third one, or maybe the Discovery Channel expands to otherbuilders and more motorcycle stuff.

We decided to take time off and ride to theWest Coast of Puerto Rico with some friends. The new bikes needed adecent break-in period so we put in about 200 miles this week end. Check out thephoto. This is how the Caribbean is in the winter, also a group of uson a break from the rigids.

The Storm Riders MC, a local club, joined us in the ride and also celebratedtheir yearly party at one of the west side resorts. It was a good time forall, and good riding back and forth.

We are already working on the WCC bikes 3,4 and 5. We want to takethese to Daytona Bike Week. We will report as the bikes start to takeshape. And as I was mumbling in the beginning, the end of the year bringsthe end of the two projects WCC 1 and 2. Here they are in finished form.

The Sporty chopper project will be done in less than two weeks. The paintis being done as I type.

Coamo, the largest concentration of bikes in the island, is near. More than 10.000motorcycles ride through the mountain roads and show up in this tiny town.Will let you know as prepping events take shape.

Since this is kind of a closure week, I would like to thank all thereaders and the Bikernet crew for putting up with my crap week after week.Also to the people who have shown up at our shop or have taken the timeto say hi at some events, we plan on having more stuff going on, morebikes, and maybe now and then some babes. Thanks again.

Jose Bikernet Caribbean
Jose @ChopperFreak.com

TACO BELL
For all of us who have or have had small children…we canrelate!

My 3-year-old son had a lot of problems with pottytraining; and Iwas on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for aquick lunch inbetween errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.While enjoyingmy taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checkedmy 7-month-old daughter’s diaper, and she was clean. Then I realizedthat Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I askedhim and he said,”No.”

I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accidentand I don’thave any clothes with me.”Then I said, “Matt, are you sure you did not have anaccident?””No,” he replied.I just knew that he must have, because the smell wasgetting worse.

So I asked one more time, “Matt, did you have an accident?”Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spreadhis cheeksand yelled…. “SEE, MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!!”While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, hecalmly pulled uphis pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothinghappened. I wasmortified!

Some kind elderly people made me feel a lotbetter when theycame over and thanked me for the best laugh they had everhad! Another oldgentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving,bent over to myson and said, “Don’t worry son, my wife accuses me of thesame thing all thetime…I just never had the nerve to make the point like youdid.”

Continued On Page 2

BIKERNET NEWS FLASH-VON DUTCH JOINS, JOSE’S BACK AND THE MARINES REPORT IN (CONTINUED)_

Continued From Page 1

VON DUTCH COMES TO BIKERNET–We’re pleased to report that Von Dutch will continue his rebel artistic legacy through a line of products with the classic Von Dutch label and they will be featured in the gift shop of Bikernet.com. We were fans of Mr. Dutch before he left us and are proud to see his legacy continued on the site.

STOLEN E-MAIL FROM THE STAFF AT BIKERNET–Who cares about me. Damn, look at you girl. Yes, a shower would be heaven.To gently stroke your wet, slippery body would be a fantasy coming true.Mmmmm, to take you out of the shower and slowly rub lotion over every inchof you. Paying close attention to the soft area just besides your p**sylips. I would love to suck on your n**ples, then run my tongue down yourbelly as I slide my hands down to lotion your legs. Love, Sin Wu.

At least the morale is high at Bikernet.

I’ll Show You Mine If You Show Me Yours

We need your images! Send us pictures of your tattoos to post and we’ll send you a free Bikernet sticker. All submissions should go to sinwu@bikernet.com. Please be sure to include your address.

Free Dragonfly Shirts!All you have to do is submit your Digital Discovery and be the chosen one. Read how to submit on the Home Page.

We’re looking for one-of-a-kind items or something that just makes us go “Dude, that’s bad!” Images and a short story is what we ask for. Come on, send us your submissions!

MESSAGE FROM A MARINE ON AFGHAN FRONT–It’s fuckin’ freezing here. I’m sitting on hard,cold dirt betweenrocksand shrubs at the base of the Hindu Kush mountainsalong the Dar ‘yoi PomirRiver watching a hole that leads to a tunnel thatleads to a cave. Stakeout, my friend, and no pizza delivery for thousands ofmiles. I also glanceat the area around my ass every 10 to 15 secondsto avoid anotherscorpion sting. I’ve actually given up battling thechiggers and sandfleas,but them damn scorpions give a jolt like a cattle prod. Hurtslike abastard. The antidote tastes like transmission fluid but God bless theMarine Corps for the five vials of it in my pack.

The one truth the Taliban cannot escape is that,believe it or not, theyarehuman beings, which means they have to eat food anddrink water. Thatrequires couriers and that’s where an old bountyhunter like me comes inhandy. I track the couriers, locate the tunnelentrances and storagefacilities, type the info into the handheld, shoot thecoordinates up tothesatellite link that tells the air commanders where to drop the hardware,webash some heads for a while, then I track and record the new movement.

It’sall about intelligence.We haven’t even brought in the snipers yet. Thesescurrying rats have noidea what they’re in for. We are but days away fromcutting off supplylinesand allowing the eradication to begin.

I dream of bin Laden waking up tofind me standing over him with my boot on his throat as I spit a bloodyearinto his face and plunge my nickel-plated Bowie knife through hisfrontallobe. But you know me. I’m a romantic.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: This country blows, man. It’snoteven a country. There are no roads, there’s no infrastructure, there’snogovernment. This is an inhospitable, rockpit ruled by11thcentury warring tribes.

There are no jobs here like we know jobs.Afghanistan offers two ways for a man to support hisfamily: join the opiumtrade or join the army. That’s it. Those are youroptions. Oh, I forgot,youcan also live in a refugee camp and eatplum-sweetened, crushed beetlepasteand squirt mud like a goose with stomach flu if that’s your idea of aparty.But the smell alone of those “tent cities of thewalking dead” is enough tohurl you into the poppy fields to cheerfully scrapebulbs for 18hoursa day.

And let me tell you something else. I’ve been livingwith these Tajiks andUzbeks and Turkmen and even a couple of Pushtins forover a month and ahalfnow and this much I can say for sure: These guys, all of em, are Huns.Actual, living Huns. They LIVE to fight. It’s what they do. It’s ALL theydo.They have no respect for anything, not for theirfamilies or for each otheror for themselves. They claw at one another as a wayof life. They playpolowith dead calves and force their 5-year-old sonsinto human cockfightstodefend the family honor. Huns, roaming packs ofsavage, heartless beastswhofeed on each other’s barbarism. Fucking cavemen with AK 47s.Then again, maybe I’m just cranky.I’m freezing my ass off on this stupid hill becausemylap warmer is running out of juice and I can’t recharge it until the suncomes up in a few hours.

Oh yeah! You like to write letters, right? Dome afavor, Bizarre. Write a letter to CNN and tell Judy and Bernie and thatawful, sneering, pompous Aaron Brown to stop calling the Taliban”smart.”They are not smart. I suggest CNN invest in adictionary because the wordthey are looking for is “cunning.” The Taliban arecunning, like jackalsandhyenas and wolverines. They are sneaky and ruthless and, whenconfronted,cowardly. They are hateful, malevolent parasites who create nothing anddestroy everything else. Smart. Pfft. Yeah, they’re real smart. They’vespent their entire lives reading only one book (and not a very good one,asbooks go) and consider hygiene and indoor plumbing to be products of thedevil. They’re still figuring out how to work a Bic lighter. Talking toaTaliban warrior about improving his quality of life is like trying toteachan ape how to hold a pen; eventually he just gets frustrated and sticksyouin the eye with it.

OK, enough.Snuffle will be up soon so I have to get back to myhole. Covering mytracksin the snow takes a lot of practice but I’m getting good at it. Pleasetellmy fellow Americans to turn off their TV sets and move on with theirlives.The story line you are getting from CNN is utter bullshit anddesignednot to deliver truth, but rather to keep you glued to the screen throughthecommercials. We’ve got this one under control. The worst thing you guyscando right now is sit around analyzing what we’re doing over here becauseyouhave no idea what we’re doing and, really, you don’t want to know. Weareyour military and we are doing what you sent us here to do.

You wanna help? Buy some fucking stocks, America.–Saucy Jack

A Classy Lady—
In most cases I refuse to forward e-mail of the chain letter or spam type. Again, in most cases, the content is not correct, contains mistakes, lies or has been so twisted that the intended point is all but lost. Here is one I received and checked out as best I could. It seems real enough and concurs with other stories of the same type. Nothing to do with bikes but here for your reading pleasure:

3/66 First tour of performing in Vietnam.

12/22/68 Goes with Bob Hope Show for second tour of Vietnam

There is Justice: Ann-Margret and the Vietnam Vet

Richard never really talked a lot about his time in Vietnam other than he had been shot by a sniper. However, he had a rather grainy, 8-by-10 black and white photo he had taken at a USO show of Ann-Margret with Bob Hope in the background that was one of his treasures.

A few years ago, Ann-Margret was doing a book signing at a local bookstore. Richard wanted to see if he could get her to sign the treasured photo, so he arrived at the bookstore at 12 o’clock for the 7:30 signing. When I got there after work, the line went all the way around the bookstore,circled the parking lot and disappeared behind a parking garage.

Before her appearance, bookstore employees announced that she would sign only her book and no memorabilia would be permitted. Richard was disappointed, but wanted to show her the photo and let her know how much those shows meant to lonely GIs so far from home.

Ann-Margret came out looking as beautiful as ever and, as second in line, it was soon Richard’s turn. He presented the book for her signature and then took out the photo. When he did, there were many shouts from the employees that she would not sign it. Richard said, “I understand. I just wanted her to see it.”

She took one look at the photo, tears welled up in her eyes and she said, “This is one of my gentlemen from Vietnam and I most certainly will sign his photo. I know what these men did for their country and I always have time for ‘my gentlemen.’ ” With that, she pulled Richard across the table and planted a big kiss on him. She then made quite a to do about the bravery ofthe young men she met over the years, how much she admired them and how much she appreciated them.

There weren’t too many dry eyes among those close enough to hear. She then posed for pictures and acted as if he was the only one there.

Later, at dinner, Richard was very quiet. When I asked if he’d like to talk about it, my big strong husband broke down in tears. “That’s the first time anyone ever thanked me for my time in the Army,” he said.

Richard, like many others, came home to people who spit on him and shouted ugly things at him. That night was a turning point for him. He walked a little straighter and, for the first time in years, was proud to have been a vet. I’ll never forget Ann-Margret for her graciousness and how much that small act of kindness meant to my husband. I now make it a point to say “thank you” to every person I come across who served in our Armed Forces. Freedom does not come cheap and I am grateful for all those who have served their country.

If you’d like to pass on this story, feel free to do so. Perhaps it will help others to become aware of how important it is to acknowledge the contribution our service people make.

Why Permanent Markers Make Good Christmas Gifts—

No child was hurt during or after this photo was taken.

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, “There’s something he’s needing”
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
‘Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing

Cyril Huze Rolling Chassis

It’s never been easier to build your own custom motorcycle. As long as you know the right components to start with. Cyril Huze offers several rolling chassis kits based on his new Stray Kat rigid frame. They use only premium parts to help you build your own custom. No cheap chassis with components of unknown origin and quality. If you want nothing else than the highest level of craftsmanship, start with one of these kits. From 3- to 6-inch stretch, from 36- to 42-degree rake. All the parts included have been test fitted and used on Cyril Huze top customs. Built it right the first time with components made to work together.

Cyril Huze
Tel: (561) 392-5557
Fax: (561) 392-9923
Web site: http://www.cyrilhuze.com

Motorcycle vs. Woman
Inventor Arthur Davidson, of the Harley-Davidson MotorcycleCorporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, “Since you’vebeen such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, yourreward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang outwith God.” St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of woman?” God said, “Ah, yes,” “Well”, “professional to professional”, you have somemajor design flaws in your invention. There’s too much inconsistency in thefront-end protrusion. It chatters constantly at high speeds. Most modelsrear ends are too soft and wobbles too much. They are very hard to getstarted. The intake is placedway too close to the exhaust. And finally, The maintenance costs areoutrageous!

“Hmmmmmm, you may have some good points there, “replied God”, hold on.God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waitedfor the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.”Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed, “God said to Arthur,” butaccording to these numbers, more men are riding my invention then yours !!!

HORSE INSIDERS’ REPORT–Edge has the details for the upcoming SMSO pretty much all worked out. They’re posted on our site and will be in issue 22. The event is shaping up to be the best ever.

Please keep your eyes open for The Horse shirts being sold at malls, bike shops and novelty stores, especially around Cincinnati, Indiana and Kentucky. As most of you already know, a former employee was caught embezzling, stealing and forging checks, plus selling counterfeit shirts. Shirts were allegedly spotted in Indiana…we’re checking it out today.

The show in Cincinnati is supposed to be twice as large as last year’s. I hope to attend and need to know who else is planning on going. If you’ve never been to a show like this, be advised, it’s not a rodeo-type event, but a show where manufacturers display their latest products. I enjoy seeing everyone in one central location, but there is little to gain as far as business goes.

As you guys get the magazines, please feel free to shoot me an e-mail and tell me if you have any comments, concerns or suggestions. I value your input and hope everyone feels that as long as they’re part of the mag, that pride of ownership will compel suggestions.
–Hammer

Here?s a sneak peak at the next cover of Horse.

Continued On Page 3

BIKERNET NEWS FLASH-VON DUTCH JOINS, JOSE’S BACK AND THE MARINES REPORT INAs usual, I don’t have any notion of how to kick this thing off. As most of you know, I was found guilty of a terrible crime and tossed aboard a corroding German vessel for five months of international community service. That’s the reason for the lack of motorcycle subject matter. Believe me, there are as many outlaws at sea as there are hiding behind highbars, on the freeways, in the states.

I’m currently in the Mediterranean Sea, one day out from Genoa, Italy. I’m learning shit on this cruise that should completely change my outlook on the world, but who the hell knows. I’ll pass a bunch on to you as I sway from port to port. We just passed Gibraltar yesterday, which is almost the southern most point of the continent of Spain. Actually, Algeciras is, but for some reason the British were very concerned about keeping the eight-mile-wide Straights of Gibraltar open for English shipping into the Med so they control Gibraltar. You can imagine that over the years the Spanish got fed up with the limeys in command of their little tiny peninsula, so the Spaniards won’t allow them access to their water supply. Gibraltar is so small that the British had to cement the east coast to prevent the briny Med from washing it away. In the process they developed a system to catch the rain water off the cliff and that’s what they use for their supply of fresh water until they can work out something with the Spanish.

OK, so here’s a report on the vandalism that struck the ship a couple of days before New Year’s. Two women?s cabins were broken into. A purse was stolen from one and cigarettes and a watch out of the other. An investigation was set in motion and three people were immediately looked upon suspiciously. First it was the crew, a bunch of scurvy, but well mannered Filipinos. The second was a religious group that came aboard that evening to entertain the crew. A gypsy formula was applied in their case. They may have sent young guns to the passengers’ rooms while their slinky sister kept the crew smiling. Finally the police told us that there is no specific security at this particular dump of a harbor and people roam the docks and ships freely. There is also a couple of street gangs that make working the docks their form of club fundraising. They usually attack captains’ cabins for cash and electronic equipment.

Two days after the robbery sent the crew and security within the Rickmers company into an uproar, the master stewart returned from cleaning chores with the blonde’s purse. Her wallet was missing but the idiot thief didn’t check the zipper pockets so he missed the credit cards. Then the day after New Year’s the hard-working Antwerp police returned to the ship with Santa’s sack full of loot from the thief’s/drug addict’s apartment. Seems scurvy bloke was riding a bicycle in the snow in the port New Year’s Day. A suspicious character who had already been busted for drug use and ordered to leave the country was roaming the quiet industrial streets of the port. The police pulled him over and questioned him, then after a search discovered something that appeared to be stolen. They then searched his apartment and found a litany of watches, wallets and personal effects that did not belong to him. He went down and everything, including the contents of the wallet was returned, except for the snakeskin wallet. What the hell is going to happen next? Let’s get to the news.

Rudy?s Last Act As Mayor—

Caribbean Report—
Some of you might have missed last week’s report. I was out of town on aflash trip. I’m very sad to report that Roger Bourget’s (from Bourget’sBike Works) oldest daughter, Autumn Marie Bourget, passed away the first of theyear in a motorcycle accident in Phoenix. She was barely 20 years old.Details of the accident are not important, what is, is the dreadful loss fora family that is a very important part of motorcycling now days. Ourmemories and condolences go to the Bourget family, Godspeed Autumn.

A brother recently told me that there is no love like a parent’s love for their child. I have known a couple of friends in the industry who have lost their children recently to various causes. This is the third and hopefully the last. Our deepest sympathy to the Bourgets.–Bandit

On another note, here’s a photo of the WCC No. 2 before and after. As youmight have been following, this bike was redone by us at Caribbean CustomCycles. Like always, Jesse and the crew were very helpful with this project.Soon a complete build will be featured here on Bikernet.

Our local airport rats have informed us that the Bikernet ladies havearrived to the shores of our island. Reports are that lonely looking babes withcomputer related stuff are staying in one of our local beachside hotels andwere heard ranting “Bandit sucks” all night long. Maybe that?s why the siteseems more relaxed lately, 80 degree weather and azure seas will do that toyou, plus an overdose of Latin males (or females) willing to “party.” Wealso received reports of large bills being paid by Se?or Bandit in localbars and restaurants. Obviously they have not been by the shop yet (maybethey think we don’t know) but we will keep informing our interested readersabout the adventures of the lonely Bikernet babes in Puerto Rico.

As we all know, the new Jesse James TV program is scheduled for Sunday, Jan.13 at 9 p.m. on the Discovery Channel. Motorcycle Mania 2 will be chock-full of the WCC crew antics and some stars and their bikes, plus the tripto Sturgis. If you miss it, I’m sure they will show it agazillion more times so don’t sweat it.

The name of the new Camel bike builder was leaked out. The name wasrevealed by our agents at the ultra-secret gossip department, but he?s sounfamiliar I can’t remember. I promise next week I will let you guys know.

The February/March issue of the Horse features Jesse James and the WCC crew,a kick-ass interview by Kozik and our orange WCC bike.The mag should be arriving just about now.

Our new Web site, ChopperFreak.com, will be up and running pretty soon. I will letknow when the whole thing starts. Meanwhile, you can e-mail us at Jose@ChopperFreak.com

Oh well, time to go. It’s been a pretty sad week and beginning of the yearfor us. Needless to say, it was a super hectic trip to Phoenix and back. It doesn’tmatter where you are or what you are doing, it’s imperative to be withfriends in this sort of situation.Seems like Bandit is freezing his ass somewhere in Ye’Old Country, while theBikernet babes are frolicking and cavorting in the shores of Puerto Rico.Maybe our crew should go look for them. I hear rum and being lonely makesan explosive mix, triple treats might be heading our way, who knows.

See ya’guys next week. Jose. Bikernet Caribbean.

ANOTHER CRIME REPORT—In Bulgaria, when a man is wanted, they don’t print up tiny fliers and post them in the post offices. Here’s an example of the high level of police involvement. Since I swear that I have not reached that region on the Black Sea, I profess my innocence.

Will somebody please take that down before I get to Italy?

Continued On Page 2

BIKERNET NEWS FLASH-VON DUTCH JOINS, JOSE’S BACK AND THE MARINES REPORT IN (CONTINUED)_

Continued From Page 2

Brains
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tiredand somber. “I’m afraid I’m the bearer of bad news” he said as he surveyed the worried faces. “The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain trans-plant. It’s an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and youwill have to pay for the brain yourselves.”

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked: “Well, how much does a brain cost?” The doctor quickly responded, “$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for afemale brain.”

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoidingeye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable tocontrol his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask: “Why isthe male brain so much more?” The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and soto the entire group said, “It’s just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they’ve actually been used.”

Chis Tronolone

Senior Moments
An elderly couple was watching television, and they only spoke to one another during the commercials.

During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, “Whatever happened to our sexual relations?”

After a long thoughtful silence, and during the next commercial, the wife replied, “You know, I don’t really know. I don’t even think we got aChristmas card from them this year.”

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When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”

Replied the widow, “I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to rememberhim as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.”

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An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came upand washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise thathe would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: “Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom ofthe ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and it was a pearl worth $50,000… please advise.”

The old man faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap”

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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. Attheend of the service, the pal bearers are carrying the casket out when theyaccidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.Asthey carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: “Watch that wall!”

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When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, “I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshlyground coffee.”

I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”

She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite browniesand then makes love to me for half the afternoon”.

I said, “Well, why are you crying?”

She said, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favoritedessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.

I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”

She said, “I can’t remember where I live!”

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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, theiractivities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,”Now don’t get mad at me…I know we’ve been friends for a long time…but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t rememberit.

Please tell me what your name is.”

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared andglared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

American Side Road Cycles—
Another new member of the Bikernet family. Be watching for their banners and give them a visit.
Welcome aboard guys!

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THE FINAL WORD– As it turns out, we only loaded 3,000 tons of cargo in Hamburg, then 13,000 tons in Antwerp and should load another 2,000 tons in Genoa for a total of 18,000. That’s within about 3,000 tons of the maximum cargo before this rusting Rickmers rolls over and sinks. We have a 15,000 horse power diesel engine (run on crude oil) with a supercharger that can push this bastard along at 17 knots as it was doing in the extra briny waters of the Mediterranean Sea.

Yesterday I was on the bridge as the captain excitedly pointed out a ship that was blasting through the waves at 24 knots(about 29 mph). He informed me that ships that can steam along at 24 to 30 knots may have from 50,000 to 150,000 hp depending on the size of the ship. He told me that they are building ships that will hold 8,000 containers. Think about that.

OK, so we’ll load up with more shit like train locomotives, cement pumper trucks, containers and I-beams in Genoa and head through the Suez Canal for Singapore, Jakarta, China (including Hong Kong and Shanghai) and Vietnam. That’s where the cargo will depart. I asked the captain today if that was the extent of it. A part of me wanted him to tell me that it was. I would have preferred that he told me he would pour the coals to MS Leon, skip across the Pacific and drop me off in San Pedro so I could see my babes at Bikernet. Ah, but not so fast. We will be picking up cargo in China and may have to make as many as three stops in Japan before crossing the Pacific and home. Fuck, where’s the Jack Daniels?

Regarding the cargo, I snatched a manifest to check it out. In the process I went over a couple of things regarding cargo with the captain. Seems everything from carousels to vibrators are loaded onto the ship under the guise of being machinery. “I was told machinery,” the captain said. “It had a brightly colored tent on it and animals on posts around the edge.”

He told me of a time when he delivered cargo to a small group of Cape Verde Islands, off Dakar, which is on the coast of Africa. The capital of this small chain of islands is called Praya or Beach or Bitch (I wasn’t sure). Seems there is a variety of people on the islands from blacks to Chinese. The Chinese controlled the islands for awhile but everyone was starving under communist rule so they kicked the Chinese off the islands. Then since they had no agriculture and the only food source was fish, the U.N. stepped in and sent the supplies. Get this. When the ship arrived with the stores, a man came down to the rickety dock and doled out the food to the people of the islands as they unloaded the cargo. Kids would run up and steal food with their own bags. It was a shopping market on the dock.

He also unloaded a piece of construction equipment that didn’t have a steering wheel but levers to steer it like some fork lifts. No one on the island knew how to drive it. He was the first mate at the time and had to get off the ship and give the owners lessons. They crashed it anyway. Here’s the final tale. He went to another island in the chain with a piece of very heavy equipment. At the time his ship did not have a crane capable of unloading it, but the island had one. As they tried to unload the equipment (like a dump truck) they discovered that the crane could not lift the dumper high enough to clear the deck. Desperation set in and the people on the island began to cry. He told them to wait, and had the ballast on the ship shifted so that the ship leaned enough to remove the equipment. He was a fuckin’ hero on that spot of soil.

So about a week ago we pulled out of Antwerp, Belgium, just after dark because the sea-going traffic was fierce. Some 20 ships were leaving at the same time. We steamed up the man made canal in Antwerp, which runs parallel to additional docks on the Schelde River. There are two sets of locks connecting the Kanaaldok to the river. We were loaded so we were forced to take the Kanaal north for 6 miles to the deeper locks. Our draft, the distance between the water level and the bottom of the hull was 9.4 meters, or about 32 feet. After the locks equalized the water levels we entered the Schelde River for the 80-mile run to the coast and the North Sea, then turned left into the English Channel

A couple days out we ran in circles to stay in calm seas as lashing in the holds were corrected. We were in the center of the Bay of Biscay, off the coast of France. As soon as we headed south we entered what is called the Summer zone and the temperature immediately rose to more comfortable levels. The weather is completely strange. In one day at 20 mph we can fully change our climate.

A day later we entered the Straights of Gibraltar, which is eight miles wide. At 1700 we passed Gibraltar in a 20 knot winds and a drizzle. The coast of Morocco is just 3 miles to our starboard. To the left, Gibraltar is just a silhouette in the fog. The Med is as calm and smooth as a lake, it’s even glassy this morning as we enter the Ligurian Sea heading into Genoa this evening.

I was going to meet some Hamsters in Italy, but they’re in Rome and too far from the coast to make the run. That’s cool. I’ve got a mission to accomplish in Genoa, and of course it involves women. I’ll report in the Sunday Post in the Cantina, then again in the Bikernet News next week on Thursday.

I’m up to Chapter 16 of both Chance Hogan books that I’m desperately working on while Layla works at getting me an agent in the states. More on that later. Remember, every day this year you have 1440 minutes to use. Unlike money, you only get to use them once, then they’re gone–forever. Take care of each one.

Ride Forever–Bandit.