Like the enigmatic fortunes you find inside thosefolded Chinese cookies, our visit with Dr. John–the”frame doctor,” was a mix of New Age mysticism andpractical guidance. The week before, Bandit and Ibrought the rolling Pro-Street frame to the gooddoctor. We gave the him our best ideas of what wethought the bike should become. Basically, we wantedthe bike to fit my body proportions, to shrink theframe around the engine and to still have elements ofa street chopper.

Bandit and I had been trying to create a bike that hada real “signature” identity, yet we weren’t sure whatthat would mean. We tried to convey our concepts withawkward babbling.

Stroking his long, gray beard with a knowing gravity,the doctor calmly listened to our ravings. Eventuallyhe gave us a broad grin through the tangle of beardand said, “Don’t worry, boys, I understand exactlywhat you need.”

We had left the bike with vague misgivings.”Do you think he really has a clue what we want?” Iasked Bandit.

“I dunno,” Bandit said, staring off into the acrid,smog-laden sky.”The guy’s kind of strange, but everyone I’ve talkedto says the guy’s a wizard,” Bandit musedmysteriously.

When we pulled up to Dr. John’s shop, there was ourcreation leaning up against the wall. Not averse tostreet-corner poetry, I intoned, “What a bitchin’fuckin’-lookin’ bike.”

“Man, that bike is really unique,” Bandit exclaimed ina more civilized tone.

As we oohed and ahhed about the bike, Dr. John camearound the corner, grinning. I jumped onto theseat-less bike and grinned. It fit perfectly, betterthan an O.J. leather glove.

“I really think you’ve got something good goingthere,” the doctor spoke with unconcealedappreciation. “I wasn’t sure it was going to workuntil I got into it. The bike began to speak to me. Ithink it’s got the right karma,” the doctor spoke withmysterious gravity.

All this mystery was not without reason. Dr. Johnstarted this trek to ultimate frame adjustment workingat Goodyear Tires. A fortuitous opportunity, sponsoredby Goodyear, for advanced training at L.A. Trade Techgave him the chance to try motorcycle repair.Recognizing that he was more interested in bikes thantires, he began a course in bike repair withinstructor Pat Owens.

Dr. John soon connected up with a bike shop calledMotorcycle Menders. Right away, he could tell that hehad a better-than-average sense of what was needed tofix most frames. Eventually, he opened his first shopin Covina in 1983. In 1990, he moved to his presentlocation in Anaheim.

Dr. John’s expertise is extended to both traditionalstreet choppers and to the more exotic road racebikes, where competitive tolerances and alignmentshave seconds off of lap times. The challenges to hisexpertise in frame adjustment include the extremes ofcreating a bike for a 6’9″ rider and a Harley with a25″ over stock front end. For his own use, he isbuilding a karma-tingling three-wheeler with a VWengine.

In his shop, amongst a tangle of tweaked Ninjacarcasses, “destruction derby” ATV frames, twistedchopper forks and even a mangled Vespa body, Dr. Johnholds court. Side-tracking his stories about gettinginto the frame adjustment business, he mixes conceptsof metal stresses with ideas of mental stresses,Eastern philosophy, acupuncture points, shakras andauras, martial arts movements, elements of a good dietand muscle alignment of the spine.

The conversation stumbles easily into his personalexperiences. After an injury of his own, he explored avariety of methods of pain control, eventually meetingan American Indian psychic whose exotic beautyhypnotized him as much as her cosmic consciousness.Here, a glint comes to his eyes and a wry smile bringsone corner of his mouth up. “A rare beauty,” hemuses. “An aura just like Cleopatra of ancient Egypt.”

Bandit nodded in agreement repeatedly, like thoseDodger dolls that bobble in the back windows of cars,to the good doctor’s banter. Bandit slurped his greentea while listening to enchanting tales spun by theDoctor. While I shoveled in heaps of steaming andspicy-hot Kung Pao chicken, my eyes teared up and mynose started running.

“The magnetic flow is a flux of energy in the bodyof…” The steaming pots of green tea and plates ofexotic Chinese food sent wisps and tendrils dancing inthe air above our table like a chorus of swaying,sensual nymphets.

“The assorted colors of shakra balance…” Thisadventure had the aura of Zeke the Splooty about it.We were on a cosmic motorcycle Magical Mystery tour.

An hour or so later, Bandit and I were back on the 91Freeway with the bike strapped to the bed of hispickup, staring ahead kind of dumbly. “What a trip,Dr. John is,” I said.

“Yeah, but I think he did a great job on the frame,”Bandit said.

“Yeah, cosmic man,” my head was stuck in the ’60s.”What do we do now?” I asked.

“Let’s check out some trippy paint for the bike,”Bandit smiled. “Let’s drive down to Stanton and see ifWes at Venom can come up with something exotic enoughfor this mystery machine.”

“Go for it,” I laughed.

It’s days like these that make bike building seem likethe right thing to do. Bandit slapped in a tape of’60s funk and we were sailing down the road like acouple of latter-day Kerouac and Keseys.

“Hand me a bigger hammer, goddamn it,” Bandit hollered across the garage. We were slamming together as much steel as we could to get this Frankenstein of a bike together in time to show it to the crowds at the Queen Mary Motorcycle Show this weekend.So far this week we’ve managed to cut 1.5 inches off the swing arm. This brings the wheel into the back end of the bike at the point of the pivot. We are designing the bike with brevity in mind. We are hoping that the finished impression will be a bike shrunken around the RevTech 88-inch motor and Rev Tech 6-speed. Oh, we’ll have devilish accents here and there, but the overall concept is lean and mean.

To that end, we are cutting off any unnecessary tabs and struts. Of course, everything changes as soon as a UPS box arrives. Joker Machine parts arrive every couple of days. The foot controls arrived. The new front Avon tire should be here Monday or Tuesday. It arrived, we had it mounted pronto and the fender was looking good. I hauled it to Urs who is a master body man and he widened it to fit perfectly. Having the right tools makes a big damn difference.

A new front tire was called for because the sexy front fender from Cyril Huze was too narrow, since he builds bikes for 19 and 21-inch from wheels and we’re running an 18 (our fault).

After banging the hell out of the fender to try to squeeze out a fraction of an inch clearance, we decided on a smaller sized tire. We ordered an 18/ 100-90. We hope this will allow us at least 3/8-inch all around.

The new Cyril designed stretched tank arrived with the fenders. We cut out part of the bottom of the tank at the back where the front of the seat is, since every goddamn thing we do is backwards. Every builder in the country stretches bikes, we shrink ’em, so the tank won’t fit without mods. This move helped bring the tank down closer to the engine and since the FXR is short, well you get the picture. The tank tabs are in place and welded.

We decided to use an old rear fender off one of Bandit’s past bikes–a Fatboy. We turned it around backwards, the front end will be bolted to the center of the swing arm. Our next problem was how we were going to hold up the stern. After a lot of head scratching, cussing and phone calls we met with master fabricator James Famighetti who suggested that we create our own struts that will be bolted on the inside of the lower rear shock absorber bolt, then welded to the outside of the fender in such a way as to add to the over all look and strength of the fender and conceal the stock aspects. Mounting fenders to swingarms is treacherous. It will vibrate like a dog attacked by killer bees, so it better be strong and still able to remove for touchup.

No problem, you say? Ah, ha, not so easy kimosabe! We are pretty sure the strut will have enough clearance for the Rev-Tech brakes on the right side of the rear tire. When you come around to the left side, you’ve got the pully to contend with. So on this strut we added a 2″ dog leg to clear the pulley. I made up the patterns on cardboard and the Fam-Art brothers cut and bent the pieces. Then it was time to fit. We’re getting there.

The BDL pulley from CCI is smaller than the one we used for the mock up. So with our fingers crossed, when all these parts come together this week it will be amazing if they all fit. They did, well, perhaps not perfectly, but we’re getting close.They did, well, perhaps not perfectly, but we’re getting close. If not, “Bandit, get me a bigger hammer, goddamn it!”

Here’s the score. The fender needs tabs and it’s ready. The rear fender needs rivet removal and the massive tabs tack welded. The shock tabs have been cut since the Progressive Suspension shocks from Custom Chrome need to be set wider away from the fender tabs. Let’s see if we can make it to the show. We’re still waiting on Huze oil tank mounting tabs.

The saga of the Amazing Shrunken FXR continues. This project is notonethat is merely slapping together after-market products to build a facsimileof a customized Harley-Davidson.From the start, Bandit and I sought to create a unique ‘signature’ bike.Even though we have used a lot of after-market products, most have beenmodified to fit our design plan. The products we use, from the FXRPro-Street frame to the Rev-Tech engine to the Joker Machine qualitycomponents, to Cyril Huze, Avon and BDLare some of the finest products available.

Because some of the fundamental elements of design were modified, we havebeen constantly fabricating new brackets, tabs, mounts, and studs. Eachmodification created new issues relating to the fit and function of thedrivetrain. It seems as if we’ve bolted and unbolted the elements of this bike ahundred times.For example, the frame was modified by Dr. John to fit the Rev-Tech engineinto our overall design concept. The top motor mount was bent to fit thenewspacing. We used this motor mount point to position the Cyril Huze teardropgas tank. When we positioned the tank we related it to the handle barclearance at maximum turn position. Rubber mount brackets were welded inplace. The tank was cut at the underside back end to fit low on the frame.It looked hot. Next I cut the La Pere seat pan to hug the pointed rear ofthe gas tank and strengthened the seat back. There is a continuousdouble-‘swoop’from the handle bars to the back of the rear fender. The seat pan lookedhot.

Then we tried to put the engine in. It didn’t look fit. The engine wasmere fractions of an inch from fitting. Even if we could have hammered itinplace the subsequent tight tolerances would surely create problems as thebike rattled and roared down the road.

At this point, we cut the original tank brackets and repositioned themodified tank a little higher on the top frame tubing. The tank looked hot,the engine fit, but now the handle bar swing is a fraction of an inch tooclose to the tank. This means we will probably have to have custom handlebars.

It still looks good and we’re still optimistic. Even as wedroppedthe tank down on the new rubber mount brackets and began putting in the5/16″bolts, we found that the right rear bolt was too long to fit. So we got abolt with a thinner head and with my small fingers, I got the bolt in andstarted. We were still looking hot.

We decided to see if the belt fit since Bandit had cut andrewelded the swingarm 1.5 inches shorter for that Amazing Shrunkenlook. Bandit said no, the belt wouldn’t fit. It wasn’t suppose to. Isaid it looked close. As welooked at the bike we realized we’d had to remove the engine, drop thetransmission, which meant we’d have to support the swing arm. It alwaysseems harder than hell to make something easy. So with a couple of scissorsjacks, hunks of wood, and a crow bar, we were able to loosen the rubbermounton the left side of the pivot point of the swing arm. Then we gingerlyslipped the belt in, put the rubber mount back and bolted everything backtogether. Damn! It fit perfect and we were looking hot.

Wait a minute. The right side of the belt was almost touching the edgeofthe back fender. Quick surgery with a saws-all cut a chunk out of thefender. Fender fits, belt don’t rub, bike still looks hot.

As we cram more operational parts together, the room to move gets lessandless. Next we positioned the oil bag, which also brought up the issue ofthebattery accessibility. With bungee cords, a busted yard stick and some woodshims, we finally got the bag in what seemed a reasonable position. Fourrubber mounted brackets were fabricated then welded into place. It lookedHot. Everything was bolted in place. And everything looked Hot.

Ah, but not so fast kimosabe. We shaved the fins off the back ofthe oil bag for more clearance. With the two rubbermounts in place atthe rear of the oil bag under the seat pan we had enough clearancefor the battery, in the front for the engine and exhaust, under itfor the starter motor, but no clearance for the ever moving rearfender. It needed at least 1.5 inches of shock play since it’sattached to the swingarm. We had to peel the bag out of the frame andtake it to the Famighetti’s metal fab shop, Fam-Art, for theirexpertise. They came up with a plan to scoop out the back of the bagto the battery box without shortening the overall look of the bag.Then the fender will have the clearance to move with the swingarm andstill look hot.

Next, we neet to investigate whether the Joker controls canbe mounted mid frame. At the same time we will begin fabrication ofthe Amazing exhaust system. It’s gotta be lookin’ hot one way oranother.

–NuttBoy

To Continue……..

Back to Part 1……..

Back to Custom Chrome on Bikernet……..

Back to Joker Machine on Bikernet……..

Bandit and I were checking out the Amazing Shrunken FXR. “Thedamned thing,” referring to the shrunken FXR project we had beenhammering at, off and on, for almost two years, “has attitude,” hegrowled, “a bad-assed attitude.”

“Yeah, but will it have sound attitude?” I mused. “I want it toget attention. I want it to be felt in their chests before they seeit. I want them to hide their children from the evil they fear.”

The Amazing Shrunken FXR has developed into a mythic ethos. Froma cardboard box full of rejected, beat-up, and cast off parts, thebike has become a sculptured icon, a physical dream, and perhaps awrong turn down a bad dirt road, three miles back.The project began back in the spring of 2001. After a lot of fitsand starts, the Buell Project, the Sturgis Run, the Deer Gut stewadventure, Bandit’s painful recovery, the Red Ball prep, variousevents including a trip around the world and soiree’s, we slappedparts on, hammered steel into shape, welded this and that, cussed andfarted and got to where we are with the help of a RevTech driveline,Custom Chrome, BDL belt, Joker controls, Cyril Huze sheet metal andCompu-Fire electrics. The bike is raw boned, trimmed down, and meanlooking. That’s where it stands, inert and waiting for inspiration,up on the rack at the Bikernet garage.

Bandit regarded the raw metal frame with squinty-eyed intensity.”What you thinkin’,” I asked, keeping my own gaze focused on thepotential of the bike. At my question he stretched out his gangly,egret-like frame to its full 6’5″. “It’ll be a loud mother fuckereither way you play it,” he intoned in his gravitas basso-profundodeep voice. “We’ve shortened the frame and rear wheel base so muchthat it’s barely a cunt-hair from the exhaust port to the rear wheel.”

We cut a piece of an Samson Evolution system with a Mikita touse the exhaust port, then started welding other pieces in place. Wecut it back to make a tight turn and create space away from the oiltank.

“Fuck it,” I responded in my best Pancho Sanchezimprovisation, “let’s just start from the port and see what happens.”

We rummaged through a pile of Samson scrap exhaust pipes that wehad scavenged from a dumpster behind the Sampson factory. Flingingout fish tail tips, shot gun systems and swoopy cruiser exhausts,most of them dented and damaged so they couldn’t be re-used. Mr.Samson gave us only the best to modify. We eventually came up withenough pieces to fabricate a Frankenstein exhaust system.

As I grabbed for a section 1 3/4-inch chrome pipe, Imistakenly grabbed a goodly chunk of fur. Bandit’s midget, crazeddemon of a feral cat yeowled in protest and sank his needle-liketeeth into the back of my hand.

“God damn that crazy bastard,” I screamed, “he’s as crazyas a peach orchard boar.” I’m sure Bandit has a mescaline salt-lickfor that freaked out feline.After I extricated my hand from the jaws of Bandit’s feline Cujo, Ireturned to the exhaust system at hand.

Our intent was to minimize the exhaust system as much as possible.We ran the pipe straight down from the front exhaust port, thenturned it to hug the bottom of the engine case. We had originallyhoped to put a flattened pipe under the frame, but reasonable roadclearance dictated a different path. So we tucked it in and aroundthe engine case, then inside the frame, coming out just at the edgeof the back wheel.

“Our first mistake,” Bandit spouted, “we needed a smallerdiameter chunk of exhaust to form guides when welding chunks ofexhaust together. If we had slipped it in one piece even a quarter ofan inch. it would have held each chunk in alignment. That’s onetheory to building pipes. The key to fabing your own pipes is havingenough scrap to slice and dice, then cutting and working each pieceuntil it’s as close to a perfect fit as possible. Finally the tackingprocess is critical. That’s were the guides didn’t come in. If we hadguides we wouldn’t have offset pipes tacked into place. That problememerged severely a week later during the grinding process.”

“It took two days of playing, cutting, fitting and welding toform a completely custom exhaust system in place,” Bandit added.”Make sure you wet towels and form a fire barrior around your tackingarea to protect the rest of the bike. I used a small 0-sized torchtip and common hanger to tack the segments of pipes together. I’m notconfident enough with our new MIG welder with thin sheet metal, so Istuck with the torch.”

” It wasn’t perfect, but it was ours,” Bandit added, “acompletely unique system that would be tucked under the transmissionand attached to the driveline solidly under the tranny backing place.Then we faced the muffler aspect. The pipes were too short to be openor we would have been arrested within a block of the headquarters.”

Needing some kind of ‘standardized’ muffler elements, we went toour local San Pedro Kragen Auto Parts store. With the clamp-on piecein hand, we found parts and pieces enough to create a 7″ mufflercase. “Most of the elements were too heavy and glass packed,” Banditspouted, “We couldn’t weld on a glass pack.”

Back at the garage, with torch in hand, Bandit cut out a sectionof baffles from some scrap Sampson muffler. Spot welding the bafflesinto our jury-rigged muffler, we produced something that may, likeJapanese Fart Wax, diminish the painful ‘Brap-rap-rap’ flutter ofunrestrained exhaust back pressure. A right-angle turn-out willdirect the dragon’s breath exhaust from the screaming 88cc Rev Tech,high-performance engine to an unsuspecting public standingslack-jawed and terrified at the curbed edge of civilization, theirhair-dos blasted straight by the sizzling after-burner of the AmazingShrunken FXR.

“He gets sorta twisted,” Bandit muttered shaking his head.”Actually with the baffle in hand we went to San Pedro Muffler Shopand looked at the myriad of tips and tubing alterations we couldmake. We found a tip and had a chunk of 1 7/8 tubing spread to matchthe tip. That formed the other end of the muffler. We just had toweld the three elements together.”

I welded the baffle in place, positioned as it was in theSamson System. I discovered that the two elements didn’t want to weldtogether. I have a feeling the tip was made of an inferior metal.

With the die grinder we cut notches for the muffler clamp.

“After welding and fitting I stood back and was proud of ouruniquely tight system that would allow Giggie, from Compu-Fire, tomachine mid-controls for a final touch,” Bandit interupted. Theexhaust played perfectly into the Shrunken aspects of the project. Iremoved the tacked system and began hours of gas welding to make itwhole. That’s when all hell broke loose. While working on anotheraspect of the bike with my back turned to my partner, he began togrind the welds. The college art history professor sought perfectionwith each weld and ground right through the thin walls of the18-guage exhaust pipes. It was amazing. I was sure the system wasruined.”

This shows the amount of area ground down so far we were forcedto fill it or destroy the system and start over.

“Some builders tack systems together then take them tomuffler shops for professional construction. I thought that was mynext move. Unfortunately a regular muffler shop doesn’t have themandrels to make the tight bends we had proposed. I was devastated,but the man told me that he could fill the welds with his MIG welder.

More welds to fill the mad grinder’s cutting work.

“Unfortunately each weld was now a 1/2 inch tall and wide zit atalmost each junction of the pipe. Nuttboy began the grinding processagain. More holes were found and I filled them with gas welding usinghanger rods. I joke now that if the bike runs like shit we blame iton the exhaust system. If it runs well, it’s the same roll of thedice. We’ll see.”

“Making your own exhaust system can be a blast, just don’tget heavey handed with the grinders. Pipe is thin and a little weldthat shows won’t matter much since we didn’t plan on chrome, butblack Jet Hot coating. I’ve sworn off chrome exhaust systems on mybikes for the future.”

That big bastard just won’t shut up. The next episode in thismechanical adventure will feature Giggy’s attempt a electrifying thesteel monster. Next weekend, barring any new bike projects, Giggy’sinopportune finger damage at the power tools, splattered deer guts,San Pedro political insurrection, Sin Wu’s beguiling charms, a caseof beer, or any other form of diversion or chaos, we will be closerto cranking this monster over.

To Continue……..

Back to Part 2……..

Back to Custom Chrome on Bikernet……..

Back to Joker Machine on Bikernet……..

Photos by Bandit and Sin Wu

It’s New Years Eve 2002 and catch up time on the ShrunkenFXR, as if I’ll melt if I don’t cross the line by midnight. And I’mgoing to lower the boom on you. It wasn’t intentional that Giggie,from Compu-Fire, came to the Bikernet Headquarters to help install aCompu-Fire charging, starter and ignition system. He added showing usthe benefits of installing S&S solids in the 88-inch Rev Tech engine.That would seemingly be enough, but since the starter involved theBDL inner primary, Giggie was snagged into helping with the beltdrive installation. That’s not all. As you will see in some of theshots we have Joker Machine forward controls installed, but we’vealways considered mid-controls. Unfortunately for the mastermachinist, we asked for Giggie’s impression and knowledgeablenotions. He dove right in and you’ll see the outcome here. There’seven more, but let’s get started.

I’ve been running Compu-Fire Electronics for several yearsand will continue to do so. The systems are flawless and a breeze toinstall. I’ve learned to trust their components and enjoy asingle-fire ignition. My discussions with Giggie ran into startingproblems I had encountered before. He pointed out to me that newhydralic systems bleed down as engines cool which closes valves whenyou want that puppy to fire to life once more. That’s where the S&Sportion of this tech began.

Here’s the deal. If the valves are closed while the starter motoris desperately trying to turn over the engine, especially aperformance unit, it’s a bitch. The compression is over the top, andthe electric motor is fighting an up-hill battle. The battery isbeing stressed. This situation is caused when the bike sits and thehydraulic lifters bleed down. Once it fires to life that situation isrelieved.

Giggie has been testing and improving starter systems for thelast three years with Compu-Fire. They are developing the mostelectrically efficient systems on the market, but discovered thishitch in the driveline system with the jammed valve train which putsundo pressure on an otherwise fine starter motor and battery. We madea date to install the new Compu-Fire Starter, but in addition, fourlittle rings from S&S would slip into the Rev Tech hydraulics. Sincethis Custom Chrome engine had non-adjustable pushrods we had to ordera set of Rev Tech aluminum adjustable pushrods. We removed the rockercover and arm assemblies to free the pushrods.

The lifter blocks had to be removed to retrieve the hydraulicslifters.

The following shots show the S&S solid ring installationprocess, I hope.

Giggie used snap ring pliers to remove and install the snapring to free the hydraulic piston.

With the lifter blocks removed, the lifter slipped outeasily, and with a snap ring plier tool Giggie removed the ring andthe spring and the piston came free. The S&S ring was slipped overthe hydraulic plunger spring and the rest is history. With the clipring back in place the hydraulics were ready to rock with the new RevTech Pushrods.

Giggie demonstrated how he adjusts pushrods by finding the intaketop dead center, TDC, position for the front cylinder first. When theintake valve is closing or the pushrod heading down, stick a straw orpencil in the spark plug hole and watch it travel north until it’s atthe top, TDC. check the timing hole for confirmation. Sure enough averticle slot showed up in the hole confirming our position. The camwas also in the perfect position to adjust both the intake andexhaust pushrods for the front cylinder, since both valves are closedfor compression. There is also an exhaust TDC.

The pushrods are adjusted just like old school, solids untilthere’s no up and down slack. You’ll notice that the rings don’t makethe hydralics completely solid but give them .020 slack. Once youhave each pushrod adjusted back off one complete turn. That will giveyou .020 cushion and once the bike runs for the first time you won’thave any tapping like the old scoots had. That’s an easy fix for amajor performance issue. I hate wasting starters or batteries.

Since we didn’t have the adjustable pushrods on hand we tookthe rocker boxes apart and Giggie pointed out another big inch motorfix. Performance engines that are pushed to redline can build upexcessive oil in the rocker box breathers. That oil will end up inthe air cleaner if it doesn’t have time to filter back through theheads into the oil return line. Creative Cycle Products, distributedby Custom Chrome, designed a fix for this problem. They call this theNose Bleed Cure which was designed to work on all late 1993 and upEvolutions with Nose Breather (engine vents in the heads) system.Installed, the kit eliminates the collection of oil at the bottom ofthe air cleaner assembly. It allows the engine to breath naturallywithout the mess in the air cleaner. The vent extensions, installedin the rocker boxes, allow more time for the oil to filter throughthe head.

The vent extension is a breeze to install, especially if therocker boxes are removed. The center rocker arm spacer has two areasin the corners for breathers. The inside cavity has a rubbermushroom, Umbrella Valve, poised to limit some air and oil into thearea. That’s the corner we’re concerned with. The extensions wereeasy to install in some respects in the Rev Tech Rocker Boxes andcreated another challenge in other respects. Let’s follow CreativeCycle’s instructions: If we had a battery we would have disconnectedit, first. Since our tank was easy to remove we 86’d it to make roomfor the operation. You could get away with just jacking up the tank.

Remove the front rocker box top plate following the servicemanual. Unbolt the sucker. Then remove the center spacer. Remove thegasket. If the engine is new you don’t need to replace it. Theinstructions also call for replacing the Umbrella valve, but youdon’t need to do that unless it is old and worn or you bury it inaluminum shavings. Umbrella valves generally last a long time, butheat sometimes damages them and they crack. If you are going toinstall the cure in a worn performance engine, replace the UmbrellaValves.

Drill the small drain hole with the supplied 1/8 bit. Using the13/32 drill, bore out the large drain hole. The Rev Tech rocker boxspacer already had a sizeable hole and didn’t need drilling. The ventextension slipped right in. On the opposite side of the spacer thehole was broad and open which didn’t secure the new vent extension atall, which is generally a mild press fit. We cleaned the spacerthoroughly and cemented the extension in place with sillicon on theunderside and let it set up before we re-installed the rocker with afresh gasket (generally the use of silicon on the inside of anyengine is forbidden. But since it’s Nuttboy’s bike, who cares). Makesure the ring is completely clean of any debri or burrs. In mostcases, according to the instructions, the vent extention is a pressfit into the new hole. Tape it gently into place, clean the rockerring thoroughly and re-install that bastard.

Now perform the same function with the rear head. Accordingto the diagram with the kit, the two breather sections you’re lookingfor are the inboard units closest to the carb. Makes sense. Theoutboard breather cavities are not used. If you are running a monsterengine and want to extend the extension, there are small ringsincluded in the kit to enhance the existing extension although youmay need to clearance the top rocker box cover.

One more time I’ll mention silicone. It’s not to be used in anengine since one little piece could severely block an oil passage anddestroy the engine. The other reason I mentioned it again was broughtto bear by Frank Kaisler and a neatly placed .38 against my righttemple. He whispered angrily in my ear that silicon will not cementitself to chrome. He suggested JB Weld after the chrome was groundaway for a clean sticky porous surface.

That’s two out of say five techs we need to cover. How thehell are we doing? If you have any questions about this modification,here’s the number for Creative (800) 368- 6217.

This entire tech process was handled in two differentsessions. During the first we discussed the mid controls notion withGiggie and he altered our course. We were headed in the direction ofstock FXR mid control mounts, that bolt or are welded to the frame.That notion would force us to created large sweeping mounts to clearthe BDL belt drive. Giggie had another notion. Run a shaft throughbushings built into the belt drive inner and outter covers, tolinkage much like stock through primaries, except we would mount thefoot peg on the end of the shaft for the cleanest possible approach.

On the right side of the bike we had to make a plate that wrappedaround the tranny cover that would carry a similar shaft that wouldact as the axle for the brake lever. He suggested that we hide themaster cylinder under the tranny close to the rear wheel for a tighthose run to the rear brake caliper. The pipes will wrap around theshaft for the right peg and brake lever. Seemed like a good idea,except for one thought. This is a rubber mount motorcycle and boltingthe pegs to the driveline was asking for foot vibration. We discussedthe concept with several riders and the reactions were varied from”we’re nuts”, to “What the hell”, to the notion that we could run oneset of billet pegs for around town and a vibro-padded set for theroad. We decided to run with Giggie’s concept and try the simplesuckers out.

When we met with Giggie again he demonstrated the outcome.He machined the shaft for the BDL unit and an aluminum guide tubewith brass bushings pressed into the covers. The support unit wasstrong enough to stand on. Next, we needed linkage and a shifter peg,then foot pegs. In this case the foot peg will rotate with theshifter, another odd approach.

Note the high-dollar precision sketch of right rear brakelinkage mechanism. I don’t get it, do you?

Moving right along we installed the Compu-Fire chargingsystem. This is a breeze, but first you must hit the Harley Shop oryour Custom Chrome Catalog for a set of Stator Torx screws. If you’renot sure which charging system you have here’s a clue: The 32-ampalternator kit is identified by the stator plug protuding from theleft crank case outer surface. The 22-amp stator plug is recessedinto the crank case surface. This particular system is designed tofit all Big Twin models 1981 and later. The rotor may be used withstators rated at 22 amp and 32 amps.

We used the contact cleaner for clearing the stator area ofgrease or debris. The WD-40 was used to let the plug slip into placegently.

We cleaned the area in the left side of the Rev Tech casesthoroughly with contact cleaner. Then we slipped the stator over themain shaft, but not into position. Giggie sprayed the alternator plugwith WD-40 and began to wedge it into the inner slot in the case.First you need to back out the Allen set screw in the case to allowthe plug to slide through. Once the plug is in position (protruding1/4 inch), tighten the Allen set screw with Permatex blue Loctite. Becareful not to over-tighten the screw which could short out thealternator and ruin your day. With the plug in place make sure thewires are safely routed then install and tighten down the stator withthe self Loctite’d Torx screws. Done deal.

Then Giggie slipped the smaller of the two massive washersover the shaft (except when 32 amp Harley-Davidson alternator kit isalready installed). If the Compu-Fire rotor is being installed on a1981-1988 model with the Harley-Davidson 32-amp alternator kitalready installed, the spacers and shim washers should already beproperly positioned on the sprocket shaft. Discard the washerssupplied in the kit and reuse the washers and shims in the samelocation from where they were removed. Compu-Fire charging systemsare perfect replacements for toasted charging systems.

Then he took the BDL engine shaft insert and slipped it onto thesplined sprocket shaft to check the fit. Some sprocket shafts fromJIMS and S&S were slightly different sizes. The splines were machinedto be .001-inch larger across the face. Since the BDL insert fitsnugly, but fit he attempted the same manuever with the Compu-Firerotor. When we installed a rotor on the Redball chopper, we had tofile each tooth to make it fit. That wasn’t the case this time aroundsince Giggie ordered the Compu-Fire rotor with the larger slots orsplines. Note the number on the rotor. The 650 unit is alreadyprepared for the larger shaft, whereas the 600 unit was built forearlier alternator motors. If you need to remove an old rotor you mayneed a JIMS machine tool or a Harley-Davidson puller part no.95960-52B. Be careful that the magnets in the rotor do not pick upsmall metal parts or hardware from the work area before you installit.

Also note the warning label on the rotor. It says not tosmack the rotor with anything. If you do so severely you could knocka magnet loose, or you could change the polarities on the magnets.Don’t hit it with anything harder that the palms of your hand. Thisone was snug, but slid right into place. Now comes the large flatwasher. This puppy is there for strength. With everyday use the faceof the rotor will flex and can crack. This washer adds strength tothe face and prevents cracking. Don’t forget it.

Here’s some notes regarding different models. Thisinformation is supplied with all Compu-Fire charging systems:

To install rotor on 1981 to 1990 Big Twin) except those witha 32 Amp alternator kit installed) place the large washer suppliedand original shim washers over the sprocket shaft (in that order).See figure 1.

To install rotor on 1991 and later FLT/FXR models, discardthe large washer supplied in the kit. Place the original washer andshims over the sprocket shaft (in that order). See figure 2.

To install rotor on 1991 and later Softail and Dyna Glidemodels, discard the large washer supplied in the kit. Place theoriginal shim washer over the sprocket shaft. The original thickspacer washer will be used under the compensating sprocket nut onfinal assembly. See figure 3.

If your are installing this Compu-Fire kit on a stock bike,next you would re-install the primary drive assembly per factoryservice manual and use loctite (red) on the threads of compensatingsprocket nut. The compensating nut must be torqued to the correctspecifications:

1981-1990 models 80-100 foot pounds
1991-Later models 150-165- foot pounds
(for aftermarket shafts use manufacturers specifications.)
Don’t forget to put oil back in the primary.

That left the regulator. In the past you would be forced toinsure a proper ground by cleaning some of the regulator case surfaceof paint, the bracket surface and paint off the frame. That’s nolonger the needed. These regulators come with a separate groundstrap, which Giggie recommends that you attach to the engine case onthe right side under the cam cover to hide it. “Make sure the wire iscrimped to a lug, not soldered,” Giggie pointed out, “and that thecase is clean of wrinkle paint before it’s bolted in place.”

One other wire is afforded with the regulator, the hot wire,which generally runs to a circuit breaker, the battery hot terminalor the ignition switch hot side. There’s a specific reason for notsoldering lugs or connectors, but crimping them. According to Giggiesoldering induces heat to the wires and a completely solid lead bondthat creeps under the wire insulation. The combination creates abrittle point in the wires that can deteriorate and crack withvibration. Wire connectors do not come with the regulator kit. Youneed to find the appropriate size for your application.

While Giggie was tinkering in the Compu-Fire machine shop,building prototype components for their line of products and slippingin a Shrunken FXR parts, in his free time, we installed 3 ohm Dynacoils required for the single-fire Compu-Fire ignition system. Theyare available from Custom Chrome in 6 and 12-volt models, with singleor dual towers and in 1.5, 3.0 and 5.0 ohm configurations. We chose astrong billet German made bracket, from Custom Chrome, to hold thecoils between the heads. This is one of the cleanest ways to run theelectrics with all the elements close together. The coil bracket fromCustom Chrome was also capable of holding the ignition switch and ahorn button or toggle high/low beam switch. That would be the extentof the wiring for this bike and it would all be tucked under the gastank and between the heads cleanly.

We have also ordered a CCI ignition switch discovered from thewater-craft industry by Bob McKay. It works like automotive ignitionswitch with a key and acts as the starter button eliminating the needfor a starter relay.

What should we handle next, the ignition system or the BDLBelt Drive? Your call? The BDL Belt, okay, here goes. Actually theseunits are increasingly easy to install. Late model bikes with rubbermounted drive lines are in solid alignment which makes these unitslip right into place. Just in case you are working with a pre-unitmodel I will list some alignment recommendations from Frank Kaisler.

This particular BDL installation came with their brand new SuperStreet Clutch which consists of nine fibers and 11 steels. Installtwo steels first then alternate fiber and steel ending with a steelbehind the pressure plate. Install anywhere from four to nine springsand bolts depending on how much spring pressure is needed for yourapplication.

“With this much clutch surface, not much spring pressure will beneeded for proper engagement,” Said Bob from BDL. For additionalspring pressure for monster engine and abusive clutch throwers theyincluded washers to enhance the clutch pressure.

Basically Giggie installed the backing plate first using thefasteners supplied by BDL. Installation on 1986-89 models require theuse of a 1990-up starter and modification to the starter mountinghole on transmission will be necessary. You must open the mountinghole to 2-1/8 inches.

Remove the stock starter pinion gear and complete starter gearassembly from starter. Bolt starter into back side of motor plate.

Install the front and rear pulleys and check for proper fit. Atthis time you should determine if the front pulley will need shimmingor not depending on how the pulleys align with each other. Removepulleys and add shims if necessary.

Re-install belt drive placing front pulley, rear pulley and belton at the same time or you’ll discover it’s tough going. Install andtighten to H-D specifications, mainshaft hub nut. BDL supplied aspecial hub nut with seal for all spline shaft models 1990 and later.Engine shaft splines should not protrude from the pulley. Be sure tored Permatex Loctite front engine nut and torque to H-Dspecifications (an electric impact driver is used but notrecommended). JIMS and CCI carry a tool that will lock the pulleys soyou can use a torque wrench. For 1986-89 taper shaft models you mustuse the stock hub nut and seal kit (included).

For spline mainshaft models, 1990-up, apply red Permatex Loctiteonto the back of the BDL hub 1/4-inch inside of the spline and letthe Loctite flow onto the mainshaft when sliding the rear basketassembly on. This procedure is necessary so that the hub andmainshaft will fit together properly and will not let the mainshaftspin inside of the BDL hub. This procedure is not necessary on tapershaft models 1986-89.

(The belt drive was designed with the use of stock H-D frames.The shaft to shaft dimensions on a stock Softail are 12.825 and on anFXR is is 11.325. The number of teeth on the pulleys and the numberof teeth on the belt were engineered to exact fit using the abovedimensions. If aftermarket frames, engines or transmissions are usedthen these dimensions may very slightly. You may need to address thisproblem so that the kit will fit properly. We will not be able tohelp you with this problem, this is an issue to be addressed by themanufacturer of the aftermarket parts that you may be using.)

Rotate the motor (take the plugs out) using a socket wrench, thebelt should track straight and away from the motor plate, but not sothat it may come in contact with the outside pulley flanges. Be surethat the belt drive is not making contact with the motor plate.

Grease the starter shaft and install the BDL starter pinion gearonto the starter shaft, apply red Permatex Loctite to the starterbolt and tighten to H-D specifications (they supply two starter boltswith the kit, one is a 1/4-20 by 2.5 inches for 1990-93 starters, theother is a 10-32 by 2.5 inch for 1994 and up starters. Be sure not totighten starter bolts too tight as this may interfere with properengagement to the clutch ring gear.)

Install the clutch pack, refer to schematic spline steel first,1/2 sided friction plate with fiber facing out, then alternate steeland two sided fiber plates ending with the other 1/2 sided frictionplate with the fiber facing in. This is for the regular clutch andnot the Super Street Clutch which was covered above. Install pressureplate, springs and shoulder blots.To install shoulder bolts apply redPermatex Loctite to a bolt and run in one turn, go onto the next boltuntil all the bolts are in place, then tighten them all the way downuntil they bottom out. There is no adjustment to the spring pressure,this is all pre-determined with the length of the shoulder bolt andexact dimensions of our pressure plate.

Install the four hexagon cover plate extensions into motor plateand mount side guard with the four button head allen blots.

Clutch screw adjustment should be 3/4 to 1 turn loose from lightlyseated. Note: When the clutch is hot the adjustment screw should notbe seated. Tighten rod nut when adjustment is complete. BDL suppliesa clutch adjusting rod and nut for all models 1990 and up, only.

If your bike is perfectly level, if you put a level on thisruler, it should be level.

SIDEBAR; ALIGNMENT CHECKS FOR RIGID MOUNT DRIVE LINESWith the engine in place and all the lower engine mounting boltsinstalled but loose, take a straight edge and place it on the innerprimary mounting surface of the engine. Look at the straight edge toinsure that the sprocket is parallel to the straight edge, if not trymoving the engine around until the straight edge and sprocket areparallel.

Once this is done snug the rear engine mounting bolts. Now checkthe engines front mounts to the frame with a feeler gauge, if thereis a gap between the engine and frame make some shims to fill thegap. The shims should be a plug fit. A plug fit is the same as a slipfit, the exact shim height to fill the space between engine and frame.

Position the transmission on the trans plate and install in theframe. Place all plate mounting hardware in their respective holes,but leave them loose.

Place the BDL engine plate on the engine and the transmission andinstall all of the mounting hardware. Tighten the plate to enginemounting bolts first, then the plate to transmission bolts. Usingyour hand turn the mainshaft of the transmission to feel forresistance, this is how you will check your work.

This shows the primary before installing the pulley and the masterCompu-Fire designer/machinist Giggie.

As of right now, you have assured the engine’s sprocket shaft andthe transmission main shaft are parallel to each other. Now tightenthe transmission mounting plate to the bottom of the transmissioncase. Check that all of the trans plate mounting bolts still movefreely up and down, if they or only one of them don’t move freelyfind out why and fix before moving on. Sometimes this occurs due tomanufacturing tolerances. Sometimes just running a 3/8-inch drill bitthrough the frame and mounting plate will fix small misalignments.

Here is where the difference is made. It is a lot easier to shimthe transmission mounting plate to the frame mounts than thetransmission to the mounting plate. To do this take a set of feelergauges and measure the gap at each trans plate mounting bolt, thenmake-up a shim to “plug-fit” the distance. With all four corners ofthe trans plate done check the “fifth” trans mount and shim as needed.

The moment of truth. Start tightening the transmission mountingplate bolts one at a time. Check the transmission main shaft byturning it in your hand before and after tightening each bolt. If youfeel increased resistance after a bolt is tightened then you willneed to go back and check that you got the correct shim thickness forthat one mounting bolt. Keep checking the mainshaft and proceed tothe rest of the mounting bolts. After all the mounting bolts aretight and the mainshaft spins as it should, you’re done.

A good way to double check your work is once everything is tight,remove the engine plate. The engine plate should not pop or springwhen the mounting bolts are removed, and likewise the plate should goright back on and seat against the engine and trans with no effort.

Ok, where to get shim stock. There are a number of machine toolcatalogs that sell a selection of shim stock for about $20-$30. Theseselections come with different thickness sheets of stock that you cutto whatever shape you need. Another source of shims is PerformanceMachine and Custom Chrome. Both companies sell brake calipers thatsometimes need to be shimmed to their mounts to center the caliperover the disc rotor. The mounting bolts for these calipers are3/8-inch diameter, the same size as your transmission mounting platehardware, I have bought a couple packs of these shims to use. If Iremember right they were only a few bucks per pack. If for somereason you have a big gap between the plate and frame you may be ableto use a 3/8-inch flat washer. Most flat washers these days measureout between .060-.068-inch in thickness, you may still have to addanother shim to achieve the plug fit you are looking for. Anothersource of shim stock is beer or coke cans, if I remember correctlythese cans measure out at around .014-inch, but it has been a longtime since I measured one.

The main thing to remember, is that the mainshaft must always turn free,maintaining its parallel course with the engines sprocket shaft.

When speaking of parallel shafts, that’s plural parallels.Both planes, vertical and horizontal. Believe it or not, careful set-up ofthe belt drive, or chain drive frees-up hidden horsepower.

When both shafts turn parallel, true parallel, requires the least amount ofpower to turn. Freeing that extra few ponies to do your bidding, not tomention better fuel mileage.

–Frank Kaisler

Compu-Fire Ignition model 21835 installation–the last hurtle.For kickstart you need the 21835KS. The electric-start unit delaysspark for two revolution to allow the starter to get rolling.

We are finally to the bottom line, the last straw, the final beerin the six-pack. We face only the simple, yet precise Compu-Fireignition system. I’ll try to make it quick.

First find front cylinder top dead center TDC as we describedbefore with the straw (won’t hurt anything) in the sparkplug hole,after the intake valve begins to close. The notch on the cam shaftwill be at 7:00 at TDC and you know that you’re cool. There shouldalso be a straight verticle line in the timing hole, anotherconfirmation.

First you need to remove any previous ignition systemright down to the cam shaft. Now bolt in the Compu-Fire ignitionrotor or trigger wheel with some blue Loctite. Giggie then bolted inthe Compu-Fire ignition plate and turned in counter clockwise. Afteryou run the wire loom out the bottom of the Rev Tech cone. Dig out a12-volt battery and hook the red wire to the positive terminal.

Tape off the black, white and green wires so they don’t ground orshort to the battery. Power the red wire up with a ground link to thebike. The LED light on the Compu-Fire plate will alight.

Grab the magnet that comes with the kit and hold it with theHarley orange dot away from the plate and swipe the magnet left toright along the bottom of the plate. The light should go out, if not,turn the magnet over and try again. Slowly turn the plate clockwiseuntil the exact moment the light goes on again. You’re timed, donedeal, simple. You’ve static timed the bike in its advanced position.Lock the plate down and disconnect the battery.

You wire this with with the red wire heading to heignition switch. It’s the hot wire. The Black wired hauls ass to thefront coil, the white wire to the rear coil and the green to the VOESswitch. That’s the single-fire set up. For Dual fire aim the blackwire to the coil and tape off the white wire. The green is guided tothe VOES advance switch once more. Giggie likes the VOES switch andI’ll try to explain why. I would prefer to throw it in the trash, butnooo. We will install the VOES switch in the wiring tech, later.

I like the concept of single fire for a smoother running engineand separate coils for each cylinder for a stronger spark. Some maysay, “Bullshit.” But that’s my notion of single-fire ignitions. Thisunit has two switches, let’s start with the left. You turn it to dualor single-fire and it has eight advance curves. One to three are setfor 35 degrees BTDC advance. Four to six are 32 degrees of totaltiming, seven is 30 degrees and eight is 28. There are threedifferent curves bringing the engine to total advance at differentRPMs, one is 1,500, 2 at 2,000 and three at 2,500, based on themotor. We set it at six because I’ll be running the VOES.

The right switch controls the VOES. You can have it set at50 percent or 100 percent. Fifty percent is advanced 5 degrees and100 percent, 10 degrees. It adds timing at necessary times but willnever add timing over the advanced maximum. The final setting on theright is the Rev Limiter. The best use of the rev limiter is to setit 500 rpms past peak power. That means some testing is needed to useit effectively. No problem. It’s designed to prevent over revving themotor because of a missed shift. The right hand switch controls theVOES and the rev limiter.That’s it goddamnit. I can’t believe I made it to the end. Wejust hauled the Amazing Shrunken FXR to our master metal fabricator,James Famaghetti for final craftsmanship. We need to install aSportster kickstand kit from Custom Chrome and Giggie’s controls,then it’s the three “P”s, paint, powder and plating and this puppywill rock. Hang on. We’ll be back in a couple of weeks.–Bandit

To Continue……..

Back to Part 3……..

Back to Custom Chrome on Bikernet……..

Back to Joker Machine on Bikernet……..

Back to the Belt Drives LTD. on Bikernet……..

You’ve been there. You handed the Makita cordless drill toyou’re drunken buddy, and he drilled a hole in your big screentelevision. You tried to wrap the extension cord around his neck andfinish him off. We came close to blows in the garage a couple ofmonths back. I spent days carefully welding chunks of Samson exhaustpipes together to form a one-of-a-kind exhaust system.

All the welds were performed with gas and hanger rod. Thepipes weren’t perfect, but they fit the bill. They were actuallyintended to be prototypes, to be duplicated by a paid professional.After the first pass was completed the pipes fit like a glove,although they were artistically rough around the edges. Nuttboy cameby on his Wednesday afternoon escape, and I handed him a highspeedgrinder and instructed him to round off the welds. I worked onanother project and paid no attention while sparks flew. When he wasfinished he tapped me on the shoulder and said humbly, “Not sure thisis what you had in mind.”

He had ground right through the pipes and left gapingholes alongside most of the welds. In addition, I discovered to myteeth-grinding dismay, that there were still large sections of thepipe ground so thin, that as soon as the torch tip came within 6inches of the surface the pipe melted away. I spent another whole dayfilling the gaps. Who knows what will happen when the struggling bikefires to life. We’ll have the only exhaust system on earth withbaffles throughout.

That’s not all. The grief continued. I hand made a mufflerusing a portion of a Samson baffle. We purchased a chromed, truckfender tip from San Pedro Muffler and went to work, but after hoursof screwing with the shiny metal we almost shitcanned the unit. Thefender tip was made out of a strange metal, almost pot metal, thatdidn’t seem to take to the gas welding and wouldn’t respond tobrazing. For every hole I filled, another crack lurked. I welded,then smoothed on a bench grinder only to find cracks and holes tofill again. The shorty muffler probably weighs 50 pounds due to thevast layers of welding rod. As it stands, this is a pure prototypeexhaust system. We should use it for testing then shitcan the rankpiece of shit and start over.

Click to order Catalog!

Frustrated, but pleased with the overall look we were readyfor final metal work. This bike is being built by inexperiencedhands, not professionals, in our backyard garage. Sure, I’ve builtsome bikes, but I wouldn’t consider myself a metal fabricator. I cameup with the initial design and we roughed out elements, but we neededa master metal worker to finish what we started. There are preciousfew, true metal craftsman, who I know. One is Billy Westbrook,another is Jesse James and recently, in the news, we displayed metalwork by Roger at Goldammer (Goldammer Cycle Works Ltd.,www.goldammercycle.com ,1-250-764-8002). High quality workmanship.

They’re out there but not on every corner. I stumbledonto another super-slag artist under my nose. James and LarryFamighetti are Hamsters and own a corrugated steel metal shop inHarbor City, California, called Fam-Art. You’d be tweaked to rumbledown Narbonne Street and stumble across this rusting corner buildingthat’s got to be the oldest swaying dump on the block. Theyspecialize in structural steel (you could never tell it from theircreaking tin shed) for homes and buildings. Large chunks of steel,massive shredders, presses and welders are scattered around the funkylocation that’s reminiscent of the first shack Harleys were built in.

Nuttboy and I darkened their doors a couple of times toask them to flame-cut a couple of chunks of steel for our fenderbrackets. The more I hung around the more quiet-James began to showme steel components he had fashioned for some of the local riders. Herebuilt and reformed Harley taillights to eliminate all the edges andgrooves, then welded them to fenders so that ultimately there were noseams. The more I gawked at the sculptured parts, that demonstratedhis ability, the more I knew we had discovered a man capable of BillyWestbrook fabrication qualities. We hauled the entire FXR to Jamesthe next week.

James relocated the straps in such a way to narrow the shockplacement keeping that shrunken look in mind.

This is a close-up of the right fender strap. It’s beencorrected, reformed and readied for final welds.

We cut and fitted the tank and made the mounts, butJames filled the underside, rear section for a perfect fit.

We jacked up the front of the tank and mounted it, butJames filled it and formed the front of the tank to match the customridge along the top. He even made paint work suggestions that I foundinteresting. “If you paint a ridge like this with a light color,”James said, “The ridge will disappear.”

We decided to paint the bike a light House of Kolors pearland create a dark teardrop panel on the top of the tank. He alsocreated and welded fork stops to the neck.

As we rolled out of the shop that day James still hadfinal welds to complete. He straightened out our seat pan, but neededto figure out a mounting arrangement. Finally we needed the CyrilHuze front fender brackets checked and welded into place.

We should have the Shrunken FXR back in our clutches inthe next couple of weeks. We need to finish our rear brake andshifting mechanisms with Giggie from Compu-Fire, fire it up for atest ride and tear it down for paint.

Oh, I need to untie Nuttboy. I need that extension cord.

The Shrunken FXR returned recently from Fam Art, in HarborCity, California (310-326-2141). They welded, shaved, mounted theseat, manufactured fork stops and saved our poor- construction asses.James Famighetti mounted our Cyril Huze front fender, welded andformed the tabs and informed us that the Avon Venom was too large forthe narrow glide front end. It was our turn to work on it.

Note that James mounted the seat pan so that the edges wouldnot touch the frame paint in the future.

Like any self-respecting bikers we hate to have a bike, oreven components out of our mistrusting mitts. We had another dilemmathat needed handling. The bike still didn’t have a kick stand, and weused two 2 by 4’s, to hold it upright, when not perched on the lift.There’s a trick to this maneuver. If I backed the Pro Street FXR outof the garage and wasn’t hauling the wood planks, I was screwed. Ifalone, I could stand there for hours waiting for someone to strollpast carrying two 2 by 4s–unlikely. After a couple of unsteadyoccurrences, the bike didn’t move without the wood chips on the seat.You can imaging the major pain in the ass this caused.

We ordered a weld-on, Sportster style, kick stand fromCCI, and it arrived complete, with all chromed hardware and thebracket to be welded on the frame. There was one problem indetermining the position. The front Avon was a 100/100 18-inch, andwe planned to replace it with a 90/90. We needed to have the finishedPerformance Machine wheel in place.

The Avon Road Runner tire arrived, and we had it installed at thelocal Yamaha dealer. James pointed out to us that our front tirespacing wasn’t perfect so I sliced a spacer to give us about a1/4-inch spacer on the right side of the wheel and about a 3/4 inchspacer on the left. The tire, almost centered, now had clearance, andthe wheel floated effortlessly under the modified Cyril Huze frontfender.

Now we were cleared to install the Hot Match weld-on kickstand.This is a tricky assembly process. First, you need to be absolutelysure you don’t plan to change the front wheel, to a 21, or extend thefront forks. If you do, the kickstand will need to be bent ormodified to fit. It’s not the end of the world, but it will destroythe chrome.

The other trick is determining the right position. Here’swhat my feeble brain told me, since the directions with the Hot Matchdidn’t cover positioning, except to recommend that you take yourtime–no shit. First I stood my Road King straight up and lifted theside stand until it was locked in place. Then I measured from thepoint that would touch the pavement to the ground. It varied fromaround 2.5 inches to 3 inches. I noted that the Hot Match lever wasnearly 3 inches shorter from the point of contact to the center ofthe pivot point. I took that into consideration. I also noted that Ihad lowered my King with shorter shocks, then added a larger Avontyre (a 150). Ground clearance was also a consideration.

Then we picked a placement area on the frame. Our designcalled for little or no forward controls. I kept the tab under theBDL belt drive system and hidden as much as possible, without beingso far back as to create a balance problem. If the weight is forwardof the kickstand, sometimes it can topple the bike. One otherconsideration. When the stand pops up you need to be able to reach itwith a toe, and it better not ride on the belt, or you’re toast. Makesure to check all that, before you burn any rod.

I sprayed the frame rail and the components with asilicone splatter preventative. It obstructs slag from sticking tocomponents. It also made the frame a slipper bitch. I tried settingthe stand end on a socket nearly 3 inches off the deck. Then Iconsidered the differing lengths of the stands and shifted to 2.5inches. Sin Wu was called, from the bedroom, to hold the stand firmlyin place. I marked it, with a grease pencil, then ground the edges ofthe bracket to be welded to the frame. Extra grinding took place toform a snug, metal to metal fit. In order to make all this work weneeded to partially assemble the kickstand without the ball andspring.

The easy-to-read directions called for disassembly, but we left ittogether and used it to hold the bracket in place for tacking. Beforetacking I backed the bike out of the clamp, holding it upright,positioned the bracket in the white grease pencil marks and leanedthe bike carefully until the stand rested on the flat surface. Itlooked cool, so we re-clamped the bike securely, held the stand inplace, protected the belt from hot slag and tacked the sucker withour Millermatic welder. Then we took the stand arm off the bracketand welded it some more. That would hold it securely until we torethe bike down for paint.

The Hot Match unit from Custom Chrome is a well madeprecision unit delivered show chromed. The instructions includedrecommendations to apply anti-seize to the spring and ball. Theyendorse using Red Loctite on the pivot pin threads. We didn’t becausethe bike would be torn down for paint in the near future. The armneeds to be placed firmly over the bracket and pushed into placebefore the pin will ease into the hole from the bottom. It doesn’thurt to have a spare set of hands and someone holding the bike.There’s also a pivot pin set screw to prevent losing that preciouspivot pin and kick stand arm, on a desert highway, in the middle ofArizona.

That’s it, except to mention that when we head to thepaint shop, we need to tape off the chrome bracket, so the painterwill paint over the welds but not the chrome tab.

As you can see this bike is damn close to the spray booth.I need to coerce Giggie, from Compu-fire, to ride his FXR out to theBikernet Headquarters with our mid-controls. Once the Joker Machinehandlebar controls are bolted to the modified bars, we’re ready for atrial run, then off to paint. Stay tuned.

–Bandit

Custom Chrome ® and Chrome Specialties ® have joinedforces to bring you the most comprehensive product offering in theHarley-Davidson ® aftermarket! At over 1,400 pages and over 25,000part numbers, our 2003 Catalog features everything from nuts & boltsto HR3 bike kits, and sets the NEW industry standard.

ONLY $9.95 + 6.95 Shipping**

–Bandit

Back to Part 4…

Continued From Page 1

Viagra

The boss of a small company called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. When everyone gathered, the employer, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burned-out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest, whose theme was “Viagra advertising slogans.”

Dividing into 10 groups of three, the only rule was they had to use past ad slogans that captured the essence of Viagra.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions, and created a “Top Ten List.” After all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone.

10. Viagra, It’s “Whaazzzzz Up!”

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper

8. Viagra, Like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.

6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a [woman], but made for a [man].

3. Viagra, Tastes great!……..More filling!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?

Driving Too Fast

A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held backthe worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had nevereven seen her naked.

One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow drivinghabits.

“I can’t stand it anymore,” she told him. “Let’s play a game. For every 5miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I”ll remove one piece ofclothing.

He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car.
He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants.
At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.

Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he everhad before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veeredoff the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was nothurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.

“Go to the road and get help,” he said. “I don’t have anything to covermyself with!” she replied.

The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. “You’ll have toput this between your legs to cover it up,” he told her.

So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truckdriver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hearher story.

“My boyfriend! My boyfriend!” she sobs, “He’s stuck and I can’t pull himout!”

The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, “Ma’am,if he’s in that far, I’m afraid he’a a goner!”

How to Explain Enron to Your Students

Feudalism – You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism – You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Communism – You have two cows. Your neighbors help take care of them and you share the milk.

Totalitarianism – You have two cows. The government takes them both and denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army. Milk is banned.

Capitalism – You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multilies, and the economy grows. You sell them all and retire on the income.

Enron Venture Capitalism – You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretlyowned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. Thanks to a special agreement with Arthur Andersen (all copies of the agreement are later shredded), the annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

MotorcycleUSA.com’s Rate the Ride

Ever since the inception of MotorcycleUSA.com, users have asked for a place to post pictures of themselves and their bikes. Introducing RateTheRide.com. Taking a page from picture rating sites across the Internet, RateTheRide.com brings you the fun of posting, viewing and rating motorcycle pictures.

At RateTheRide.com, you can submit your pictures into one of seven different galleries. Choose from Sportbikes, Off Road, Custom/Cruiser, Bikes and Babes, Big Air, Street Moves or check out the entire collection. The best part is that you get to rate each picture and see what other people think too. And because it’s MotorcycleUSA, it’s absolutely free!

Go to: http://www.ratetheride.com and show the World who you are and what you ride.

Never under estimate the little old Lady…..

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada oneday carryinga bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with thepresidentofthe bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lotof money!” After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally usheredher into the president’s office (the customer is always right!) The bank president then asked her how much she wouldlike todeposit.

She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out ofher bag ontohis desk. The president was of course curious as to how shecame by allthiscash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’recarrying somuch cash around. Where did you get this money?” The old lady replied, “I make bets.” The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”

The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.” “Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!” The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to takemy bet?” “Sure,” said the president, I’ll bet $25,000 that myballs arenot square!”The little old lady then said, “Okay, but sincethere is a lotof money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at10:00 AM asa witness?” “Sure!” replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about thebet andspent along time in front of a mirror checking his balls,turning fromside to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked themout until hewas sure there was absolutely no way his balls were squareand that hewould win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the littleold lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. Sheintroduced the lawyerto the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says thepresident’sballs are square!”

The president agreed with the bet again and the oldlady askedhim to drop hispants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls andthen askedifshe could feel them. “Well, Okay,” said the president,”$25,000 isa lot ofmoney, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”Just then, he noticed that thelawyer was quietly banging his head against thewall.

The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’sthe matterwith your lawyer?” She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000that at 10:00 AM today, I’d have The Bank of Canada’spresident’s ballsin my hand.”

A Bad Day at Work

Next time you have a bad day at work…think of thisguy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Diversin Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs onoffshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent tohis sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who wassponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needlessto say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you’vebeen feeling down lately at work, so I thought I wouldshare my dilemma with you to make you realize it’s notso bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I firstmust bore you with a few technicalities of my job. Asyou know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. Iwear a suit to the office. It’s a wetsuit. This timeof year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keepwarm is this: We have a diesel powered industrialwater heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks thewater out of the sea. It heats it to a delightfultemperature. It then pumps it down to the diverthrough a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I’ve usedit several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working,is I take the hose and stuff it down the back of mywetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water.It’s like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, myass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it.This only made things worse. Within a few seconds myass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from myback, but the damage was done. In agony I realizedwhat had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish andpumped it into my suit. Now since Idon’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’tstick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not asfortunate. When I scratched what I thought was anitch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over thecommunicator. His instructions were unclear due tothe fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were alllaughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructedto make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stopstotaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surfaceto begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrivedat the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brasshelmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic,with tears of laughter running down his face, handedme a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass assoon as I get in the chamber. The cream put the fireout, but I couldn’t shit for 2 days because my assholewas swollen shut.

So, next time you’re having a bad day at work, thinkabout how much worse it would be if you had ajellyfish shoved up your ass!

1/30/02 News Exclusive from FastDates.com

News Shocker!Harley Biker takes control at Ducati NA
Is a chrome Monster Softtail in our future? After all, it’s still a V-Twin!

Exclusive!First photos of the new Vance&Hines Screamin’ Eagle V-Rod Drag Bike
Will Vance & Hines finally put Harley-Davidson back in the winner’s circle?

…all the juicy details in Pit Lane News at FastDates.comNot the normal boring stuff, just the fun stuff you really want to read and see!

http://www.FastDates.com

Blondes Beware

A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful.So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallonsof milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt theremust be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify thepoint.

The blonde came to the door and the milkmansaid: “I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk.Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?”The blonde said, “I want 15 gallons. I’m goingto fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath.”The milkman asked, “Pasteurized?”The blonde said, “No, just up to my tits.”

31 Jan 02 – For Immediate Release.

At a press conference late Monday, the CEO of Johnson Marine, makers of Johnson outboard marine engines and other recreational equipment, unveiled a new line of heavyweight cruiser style motorcycles designed to compete head to head with industry leader Harley-Davidson.

Peter Long, Johnson brands marketing manager said, “We have studied the market and determined that Harley, while highly successful, has narrowly missed the mark when targeting motorcycle buyers”. Long added, “We, at Johnson, are convinced our product hits the target dead center and promises to draw sales away from Harley-Davidson in a way no other motorcycle has been able to accomplish”.

The new line of bikes, marketed under the name ‘Big Johnson Motorcycles’, will, according to Long, deliver what Harley has only promised. “Our research show that this, a Big Johnson, is what Harley buyers are really after”.

At the unveiling of the new line Monday, several current Harley owners agreed. “When I bought my Harley, what I really needed was a Big Johnson”, said one Harley owner.” But I see now that riding a Harley is no replacement for having a Big Johnson.”

Manager Long also said that his company would follow the lead of Harley-Davidson and cash in on a huge market for non-motorcycle related products. “We realize that not every guy can have a Big Johnson”, said Long, “But image is very important to people. If they don’t have a Big Johnson, they at least want to project the image of having one.”

Asked if he anticipated Big Johnsons showing up in the hands of Harley owners, Long said it was unlikely. “I just don’t see the need to have a Harley if you have a Big Johnson”, he said. “And I can’t imagine someone who spends all their resources to acquire a Harley having a Big Johnson. I think it boils down to this – You either have a Harley, or you have a Big Johnson, but you are not likely to have both. “Given the choice”, said Long. ” I think most guys will opt for the Big Johnson”.

Another force driving sales for the company will come from women. A survey of the wives and girlfriends of nearly 1,000 potential motorcycle buyers indicates less than 5% would approve of their partner spending $15,000 on a Harley Davidson. But, when asked if they would be willing to pay the same amount of money to get their partner a Big Johnson, nearly 4 out 5 thought that would be money well spent.

One female present at the product unveiling was quoted as saying, “There is no way I will let Lonnie drop 15 grand on another one of those Harleys, but 15 grand to get him a Big Johnson? Well, that something we could both enjoy and it’s something he really needs.”

Carla Roundheel, manager of the dealership network now being established, said her motto is simple. “I service what we sell.” Big Johnson motorcycles will be traded on the stock exchange under the abbreviation P-ENVY.

Here’s what the Outhouse National’sU are all about. The fastest biketo drag the outhouse 50 feet wins

Geno

BANDIT?S CANTINA FIRST ANNIVERSARY–Yep, that?s right. The only section of this site that we charge for is now a year old. To join, it?s a mere $1.65 a month, or $20 a year. So what?s it all about? First, both of K. Randall Ball?s two books are printed in their entirety within the Cantina. Both of those books are sold out.

The first motorcycle soap opera is updated every couple weeks. There?s a babe of the day everyday and a wide selection of antiques posted daily. There are 15 chapters of Ball?s latest book printed there and you can actually watch a novel come together. In addition, if you like reading on the net, ?Sam Chopper Orwell? is also printed in Bandit?s Cantina. Check it out. You spend more than a buck sixty-five on one lousy brew. Each subscription supports Bikernet and helps us pay the overseas phone bills while he writes his fifth book.

There?s a special Sunday post weekly for Cantina members. I can?t even think of all the literary finery that?s spread throughout the Cantina. Even Jon?s illustrations are worth the membership.

UNION DUES–The Bikernet union is made up of 35,000 Cantina members, Jose and 100 riders from Puerto Rico, 2,000 Bikernet shipping employees who are mostly members of a new bike club called the Rodents, and an unnumbered group of women waiting for Bandit to come home. In a written report from the president of the IBUMF, Tramp, he said, ?There is serious consideration as to whether a strike will result due to the actions of the board.?

A Bikernet strike will result in? Well, it?s too awful to write about in a public forum. The union will meet again over the weekend so hopefully the lights will remain on for another week. Efforts have been made to contact Bandit in Singapore, but due to the high cost of our phone bills and the cute girls in Singapore, we?ve been unable to reach him. If you want to vote on this issue or support our efforts to contact Bandit, join the Cantina, quick.

-Nuttboy

We?re here to have a good time, but it is a business of sorts, and recently we?ve had some upheaval at the headquarters. During the last board meeting, Bandit?s World Wide Run Report was voted out of the Bikernet News to be placed in a separate section next to the trashcans behind the garage. The big shots at the headquarters who think they can pull the wool over the eyes of the Bikernet union workers, they?ve got another thing coming.

This type of behavior is commonplace when the big bastard is out of town. Some other punk thinks he can inch his way up the ladder. Well not so fast kimosabee, the union carries a mighty big voice in this here struggle for freedom on the Internet. We better get to the news:

STURGIS 2002–Every year there?s an effort to build something new and exciting to ride to Sturgis. The goal is to put a motorcycle together and test it on the 2,000-mile trek to the Badlands. This year there were two possibilities: A new Victory given Bandit?s touches and launched into South Dakota without smackin? a deer and a CCI bike-in-a-box. The Bikernet crew is leaning toward the bike-in-a-box. We haven’t decided on a model and would be interested in a concept and input from you guys. Let us know what you think and why.

In the meantime, check out the Victory Web site at www.victory-usa.com. It looks like the Victory is scheduled for the 2003 run.

Tattoos ? Yes We Still Want Them!

Military Pay Raise Editorial

I wanted to pass this along to all of you as I can’t imagine having the ability to restrain myself so well and express so clearly the point that is made below. There are so many ignorant people in this world it is amazing. Glenn

Military Pay Raise

Cindy Williams (Shirley from the “Laverne & Shirley” show) wrote a piece for the Washington Times denouncing the pay raise(s)coming to service members this year. She stated that the 13 percent wage gap was bogus. A young airman from Hill AFB responds to her article below. He ought to get a bonus for this!

Ms. Williams:

I just had the pleasure of reading your column of Nov. 12, “Our GIs> earn Enough” and I am a bit confused. Frankly, I’m wondering where this vaunted overpayment is going, because as far as I can tell, it disappears every month between DFAS (The Defense Finance and Accounting Service) and my bank account.

Checking my latest leave and earnings statement (LES), I see that I make $1,117.80, before taxes. After taxes, I take home $874.20. When I run that through ! Windows’ Calculator, I come up with an annual salary of $13,413.60 before taxes, and $10,490.40 after.

I work in the Air Force Network Control Center (AFNCC), where I am part of the team responsible for the administration of a 5,000-host computer network. I am involved with infrastructure segments, specifically with Cisco Systems equipment. A quick check under jobs for Network Technicians in the Washington, D.C., area reveals a position in my career field, requiring three years experience with my job. Amazingly, this job does NOT pay $13,413.60 a year, nor does it pay less than this. No, this job is being offered at $70,000 to $80,000 per annum. I’m sure you can draw the obvious conclusions.

Also, you tout increases to Basic Allowance for Housing and Basic Allowance for Subsistence (housing and food allowances, respectively) as being a further boon to an already overcompensated force. Again, I’m curious as to where this money has gone, as ! BAH and BAS were both slashed 5 percent in the Hill AFB area effective in January 2000. Given the tenor of your column, I would assume that you have NEVER had the pleasure of serving your country in her armed forces.

Before you take it upon yourself to once more castigate congressional and DOD leadership for attempting to get the families in the military’s lowest pay brackets off AFDC, WIC, and food stamps, I suggest that you join a group of deploying soldiers headed for AFGHANISTAN, I leave the choice of service branch up to you. Whatever choice you make, though, opt for the SIX month rotation: it will guarantee you the longest possible time away from your family and friends, thus giving you full “deployment experience”.

As your group prepares to board the plane, make sure to note the spouses and children who are saying good-bye to their loved ones. Also take care to note that several families are still unsure of how they’ll be able to make ends meet while the primary breadwinner is gone-obviously they’ve been squandering the vast piles of cash the DOD has been giving them. Try to deploy over a major holiday; Christmas and Thanksgiving are perennial favorites. And when you’re actually over there, sitting in a DFP (Defensive Fire Position, the modern-day foxhole), shivering against the cold desert night, and the flight sergeant tells you that there aren’t enough people on shift to relieve you for chow, remember this: trade whatever MRE (meal-ready-to-eat) you manage to get for the tuna noodle casserole or cheese tortellini, and add Tabasco to everything, This gives some ! flavor.

Talk to your loved ones as often as you are permitted; it won’t nearly be long enough or often enough, but take what you can get and be thankful for it.

You may have picked up on the fact that I disagree with most of the points you present in your op-ed piece. But, tomorrow from KABUL, I will defend to the death your right to say it.

You see, I am an American fighting man, a guarantor of your First Amendment rights and every other right you cherish. On a daily basis, my brother and sister soldiers worldwide ensure that you and people like you can thumb your collective nose at us, all on a salary that is nothing short of pitiful and under conditions that would make most people cringe. We hemorrhage our best and brightest into the private sector because we can’t offer the stability and pay of civilian companies. And you, Ms.Williams, have the gall to! say that we make more than we deserve? Rubbish!

A1C Michael Bragg, Hill AFB AFNCC

Sending Talibanis To Hell

QUOTES FROM SPORTS COMMENTATORS–

Pat Glenn – Weightlifting Commentator:
?This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria…. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing.?

Ted Walsh – Horse Racing Commentator:
?This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.?

Murray Walker – Formula One broadcaster:
?The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.?

Greg Norman:
?I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.?

Alan Minter:
?Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing – but none of them serious.?

Terry Venables:
?If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the samething again?

Ron Atkinson:
?He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn?t like it – you can see it all over their faces.?

Harry Carpenter – BBC TV Boat Race 1977:
?Ah, isn?t that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.?

Metro Radio: ?Julian Dicks is everywhere.
It?s like they?ve got eleven Dicks on the field.?

David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics:
?There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class.?

US TV Commentator:
?One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them… Oh my God, what have I just said??

Bikernet Caribbean Report

Reports of the third ride against cancer were all positive. More than 300motorcycles of all brands participated in the ride through the mountains ofPuerto Rico, raising funds for cancer research and patients. This is oneof the few events that mixes all kinds of clubs, organizations and bikebrands. I’m guessing there are plans to continue this ride, now if theywould call the shop and let us know about it beforehand, all would begreat. Oh well….

This weekend is the Coamo ride, a marathon event. For years thebest way to get there was by motorcycle. It has developed into the mostbikes in one place in the island, thousands of all brand bikes show up inthis southern town. The early morning ride through the Cordillera Central (ourcentral mountain range) it’s an unique experience. The cool, crisp mountainair plus hundreds of bikes on a two-lane switchback road is an adventure.Too bad the “plastic” bikes have taken over the event and messed upthe whole deal…….But still a kick ass ride.

As I said last week, we found an old chopper laying around the island. Here’s a photo. If someone recognizes this bike (used to be yellow) pleaselet us know, we are trying to find out its past. That’s Old Skool all right.We have plans to restore the bike as close as possible, e-mail if you haveseen this bike before.

I’m glad to report that we found our missing friend. He called to tellus that he saw Bikernet and we were rats, but I guessed it works (andproves that I’m not the only one reading this). The only problem is that hesaw a rerun of Jesse’s show and. The lastwords heard were his bitchin’ about being too old for a rigid, well only ifhe would give the fuckin’ bike a rest.

I tried to sneak some topless babes to Bandit. All we could manage was aphoto in the Cantina, but what a photo. Twelve, yes 12, girls inbirthday suits. Oh well, we will keep trying to sneak one by ourcensors……

This weekend, besides the Super Bowl and every other event that’s going on,it’s the Cinci dealers show. This show is all American V-Twin stuff, andseems to be growing. All the industry people we have talked to say the samething, this year will make it or break it. Indy is still the biggest dealershow, but it’s a showdown, only one can stay. Two shows in a month is toomuch. Let’s see what happens.

Next week we are going to have a trivia challenge. We will give you somequestions and you will e-mail the answers to us. The first correct answerwill receive a Chopper Freak T-shirt, brand new andunwashed, any size you like. So hone your bike, chopper, Harley buildersskill cause it’s coming down the road.

Hey we missed Bandit’s report from last week. I for one like to readthem. He?s doing a trip around the world and for most of us it’s prettyinteresting. And our readers should be stoked; he?s spending a heavy coin onthose reports, plus this is as close as some of us will be to those placeshe’s visiting. Check the newest The Horse for another article from ourshores and a few more coming up.

There will be a bunch of new products at these dealers shows, so keep youreyes peeled, since we can show them here first, way before any printedmaterial. I’m outta here. Gotta put some rigids together for that littleevent coming up, think it’s called Daytona or something like that. See ya’next week…..By the way, shithead weasels, go try do some bicycles youcopycat punks !

Jose
Caribbean Bikernet

Continued On Page 2

Continued From Page 3

We Want Your Tattoos – Keep Em’ Comin’

Thanks, jman

The Lady—
A lady walks into a shop that sells VERY expensive Persian rugs. Shebrowses around,then spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bendsover to feel thetexture of the rug, she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looksaround nervously to seeif anyone has noticed her little accident.As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

“Good day, madam. How may we help you today?”

Very uncomfortably she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovelyrug?”

In a rather uppity up, matter of fact tone, the salesman replies:”Madam, this is one of our finest and most expensive rugs. If youfarted just touching it, Iquite imagine you will probably shit when I tell you the price.”

The sailor…
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.” Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”

The girl nodded ‘yes.’ After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. >From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.

“What are you doing here?” the Captain asked.

“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “He’s taking me to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”

“He sure is, lady… This is the Staten Island Ferry!”

Here’s some sneak peaks of OldWolv’s rolling chassis and Hacksaw 1969 Turbo Triumph

Top 8 Idiots of 2001—

Idiot # 1 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her thatthe ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away. Here’s your sign lady. Wear it with pride.

Idiot # 2 Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float onthe river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here’s your sign guys. Don’t get it wet, the paint might run.

Idiot# 3 – A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote & wrote; “Thisis a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag.” While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seenhim write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to WellsFargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or goback to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, “OK” and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back atBank of America. Don’t bother with this guy’s sign. He probably couldn’t readit anyway.

Idiot # 4 – A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained anotherpicture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40. Another sign. (Don’t know about this one… whoever heard of a speeding ticket for $40???? Try $240….)

Idiot # 5 – A Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well,but the cashier refused and said, Because I don’t believe you are over 21. The robber Said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn’t believe him. At this point the robber took his driver’s license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. (Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!)

Idiot # 6 – A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody move”! When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. (This guy doesn’t need a sign,he probably figured it out himself.)

Idiot # 7 – Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. (Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!)

Idiot # 8 – Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that aman walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said hecouldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. Please note that these people are allowed to vote.

The War Of The Roses—

By the time I had rattled off all the recent news about the world of bikes, bikers and babes, new products, new features, new biker adventures, a few choice jokes and an update of Bandit’s adventures, the two derelicts were sawing logs louder than a Willamette Valley saw mill.

As I walked away from the glow of the now sputtering fire, I saw the skulking shadow of Luck as he cautiously inched closer to the unguarded bucket of prawns. As Bandit might say, snag what joys you can out of life, keep from getting a boot up the ass and ride like a screaming banshee.

Snake

Continued From Page 2

Cyril Huze 2002 Catalog
Cyril Huze just released his new catalog The 2002 edition is 80-page and features more than 550 references with, as a bonus, double spread color pictures of Cyril’s most recent custom motorcycles. A must for any individual and professional builder looking for fresh ideas and state-of-the-art custom parts & accessories.

To order a catalog, log on to http://www.cyrilhuze.com.

Cyril Huze Custom
Motorcycle & Accessories
Tel: 561-392-5557
Fax: 561-392-9923
Website: http://www.cyrilhuze.com
Webstore: http://store.cyrilhuze.com

Answer Racing is new apparel sponsor of2003 White Brothers Berm Busters Calendar
Gianatsis Design and FastDates.com, publishers of the sport’s most popular line of motorcycle racing and pinup calendars, has announced that Answer Racing, one of America’s leading manufacturers of off-road riding apparel, has joined them as apparel sponsor of the White Brothers Berm Busters Calendar beginning with the 2003 edition which goes on sale July of 2002.

Berm Busters is the top selling motocross calendar in the sport, combining exciting action shots by renown dirt bike photographer Kinney Jones of the top factory motocross and off-road racers, together with beautiful pinup model shots by fashion and editorial photographer Jim Gianatsis.

Just completed for the 2003 Berm Busters Calendar was a big photo shoot at the Gianatsis Design Studio featuring the the beautiful new Berm Buster calendar models in (and out) of Answer Racing apparel, together with the new White Brothers modified factory Honda CRF450Rs being raced by Honda’s Nathen Ramsey in AMA Supercross, and by White Brother’s current 4-stroke National Motocross Champion Spud Walters in the 2002 season outdoor AMA Nationals.

The models featured in the 2003 Berm Busters Calendar shoot included the Bentley Twins, Mandy and Sandy, who were recently featured on the cover and inside Playboy magazine and are currently on national TV entertainment and talk shows. Also at the shoot was model Taylor McKegney, a very popular FastDates.com calendar girl who has also been featured in Perfect 10 magazine and has been a World Superbike trophy girl at Laguna Seca.

In fact, the recent 2003 Berm Busters Calendar shoot was attended by a news crew from KCOP-13 television in Los Angeles, with the Bentley Twins’ calendar shoot to air on KCOP’s prime time news broadcasts during Sweeps Week in February. Pictures and a story of the shoot can also be seen on the FastDates.com website in Pit Lane News.http://www.FastDates.com/PitLaneNews.HTM

Photos from the calendar shoot, besides being featured in the 2003 Berm Busters calendar, will also be featured in Answer Racing’s 2002 national advertising campaign in dirt bike magazines magazines, as will the calendar itself. All the FastDates.com calendars including Berm Busters are found at motorcycle dealers worldwide as well as online at FastDates.com, and are available to dealers through major distributors including Tucker-Rocky, Parts Unlimited and White Brothers.

All in a name—–
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with fouryoungmothers and their small children.”You all haveobsessions,” he observed.

To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve evennamed your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second mom. “Your obsession is money.Again, itmanifestsitself in your child’s name, Penny.”

He turned to the third mom. “Your obsession isalcohol. Again, itmanifestsitself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her littleboy by thehandandwhispered, “Come on, Dick, let’s go home.

1st Date—-
Dave walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what’s wrong.

“Well,” replies Paul, “you know that beautiful girl at Motorola that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?”

“Yes,” replies Dave with a laugh.

“Well,” says Paul, straightening up, “I finally plucked up the courageto ask her out, and she agreed.”

“That’s great!” says Dave, “When are you going out?”

“I went to meet her this evening,” continues Paul, “but I was worriedI’d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show.”

“Sensible” says Dave.

“So I get to her door,” says Paul, “and I rang her doorbell. Sheanswered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw.”

“And what happened then?”

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.) “I kicked her in the face.”

Social InSecurity—-
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply forsocial security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet athome.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later”. The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.” So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” & she processed his social security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have gotten disability too.”

Continued On Page 4

Continued From Page 1

FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHING JOKES

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me…”

How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can’t shut up long enough to build up the requiredpressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at thefront door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won’t do what she’s told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don’t like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sexdrive by 90%.
It’s called a Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me “What’s on the TV?”
I said, “Dust!”

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then Godcreated Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God norMan has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Driveand said, “I haven’t eaten anything for days.”
She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”

Young Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africaa man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
Wife Wanted.” The next day he received a hundred letters. They allsaid the same thing: “You can have mine.”

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forgetit once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down thestreet with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

HARLEY-DAVIDSON HISTORY PLANS ROADTRIP ACROSS AMERICA

Harley-Davidson Announces New Traveling Museum

MILWAUKEE, WI — (January 25, 2002) Harley-Davidson is taking its history back on the road with an all-new Traveling Museum. “A Highway Through Time” will trace the history of Harley-Davidson with vintage motorcycles, clothing, and memorabilia.

“The heritage and history of Harley-Davidson is very important to us and to our riders,” said Tom Bolfert, Director of Harley-Davidson Archives. “No other motorcycle company in the world can proudly boast of a heritage as long and storied as ours.”

Scheduled to make its debut at Daytona Bike Week, March 4-10, the Traveling Museum will appear at many major motorcycle events throughout the year, including over 100 stops at Harley-Davidson dealerships throughout the country.

Bursting with artifacts and memorabilia sure to intrigue motorcycle enthusiasts of all ages, the Traveling Museum contains original vehicles dating back to 1913. Included in this year’s tour is a 1920 Harley-Davidson bicycle and a rare 1920 Sport Model, featuring a 37 cubic inch, fore and aft opposed twin cylinder engine. Absent from the show circuit in 2001, the previous Traveling Museum hosted over 3 million visitors during its twelve year run.

“This new, larger museum presents our story in a manner more consistent with our stature as the world’s premier motorcycle manufacturer. I’m confident visitors will thoroughly enjoy it,” adds Bolfert.

Harley-Davidson Motor Company, the only U.S. based motorcycle manufacturer, produces heavyweight motorcycles and a complete line of motorcycle parts, accessories and general merchandise. For more information, visit Harley-Davidson’s website at www.harley-davidson.com.

Burn Children?s Summer Camp
There is a Burned Children?s Summer Camp in Washington State called CampPhoenix, which is held on Aug 25th this year. contact is Michael425-347 or Jeep at Skagit H-D (360) 757-1515
http://www.burnfund.org/help/burncampvideo.html

About five years ago my wife Rosalie & I started attending along withthe North Cascade HOG Chapter, we took the kids for rides on theHarley. It is wonderful to put smiles on those children?s faces.

Camp Phoenix is located at the edge of some flats that wind almostthrough the pacific ocean no trees, shrubs to speak of and then youcome to a bluff and the camp is on top. Real nice spot to have a summercamp. More like it is right in the beach rather than on the beach.

The second year we attended, it was raining down in buckets. Thechildren were hanging around in the meeting hall doing art projects andplaying chess and the like when the Councilor (there are two ways tospell this word. They have different meanings, I don?t know which one iswhich, so you may see both ways in this message and you can rest assurednone of them are intended to mean an attorney) asked them what theywanted to do the first day of camp this year. All excited, they said inunison ?we want to go on Harley rides.? The councilor said ?It?s rainingreally hard, the HOG group might not be able to attend.? I?m told thechildren mumbled a little and continued to do their projects. About anhour later he said ?you could hear the thunder about a mile or so awayas 65 or 70 Harleys made their way to camp in the pouring rain. The kidsbolted to the door and waited for us outside in the rain.?

Since our first year at burn camp Rosalie & I continue to ask fellowmotorcyclists to join us at the burn camps and take the kids for a ride.

Our Vancouver CANADA HOG Chapter turns out every year to an event thatwe affectionately call the BURN CAMP RIDE. We have since gotten evolvedwith the British Columbia Professional Firefighters Burn Fund. Last yearwe got the British Columbia Hot Rod Association on board.

The Vancouver Chapter holds barbecues like when Trev Deeley Motorcycleshas a Show n? Shine, and we sell Harley-Davidson caps, & burn camp pinsand T-shirts to raise money. We use the money to buy neat things asgifts for the burned kids like super soaker water blasters, Harleybaseball caps, Harley water bottles, Burn Camp Ride Bandanas, Burn CampRide T-shirts and the like. Our local burn camp is in Brackendale BC.This year the British Columbia camp is on July 21st (contact Dave orPeter 604 436-5617 or Dan 604 984-7831).

We meet in Trev Deeley Motorcycles parking lot, where we hold a barbecueto load up on grub because it?s going to be a long day. We get a motorpolice escort from Deeley?s to the freeway and ride to the 99’er Caf?parking lot in Britannia Beach about 30 miles away along a twistyseashore/mountainous type road where we wait for the kids & councilorsto show up in their school busses. Then we escort them to camp about 15miles away.

The kids & councilors alike stow their gear in their cabins then lineup for Harley & Hot Rod rides. You can believe me when I say that nobodytakes their time. It?s like the race is on. I don?t know who is moreexcited the kids or the counselors. Personally I think it is us, themotorcyclists.

One part that I like is they jockey for rides in the sidecars (there are3 of us who usually attend with hacks) and then when they get back froma ride, they go right to the back of the line so as to go ride again.Sometimes it is difficult to get the helmet & goggles back they want torun over the next bike and go for a spin on that one. It?s great fun?

Some of these children are severely disfigured, and they are real good>at staying out of the camera lens. So it is extra special to see thoseones smiling. If we can take their mind off their problems for a fewminutes, well it?s worth all the effort. Like the song says ?sometimes we can be heroes.?

I urge you to check with the firefighters in your town to see if thereis a burn children?s summer camp near you, I know you are busy but ifyou can, please get involved.By the way, these rides are not brand specific so push pull or drag yourass on what ever you ride but please attend.

Respectfully yours,
Dan McNeil
Activities Officer
Vancouver CANADA HOG Chapter

From The Waist Down—-A man came walking up to the house when he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.

My Nomination for Airline Clerk of the Year—
Oh, to be able to think this fast!

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point. She was confronted with apassenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo?

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said “IHAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”

The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.” The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?” Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone, “May I have your attention please, ” she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity,please come to Gate 14.”

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glaredat the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore “Fuck You!”.

Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that too.” ______

Bad to the Bone!

Continued On Page 3

“I’m just trying to find a friggin’ bottle opener, goddamn it,” I hollered back at her to no avail. Ever since Bandit bailed outta’ here for his high-seas, world-girdling adventure, the efficiency of the well-oil machine that is Bikernet, has gotten more than just a bit greasy.

Sin Wu and her pack of scantily clad, nubile nymphets frolic about, leaving lacey bras and panties hanging off of every piece of furniture, door knobs and the shower curtain rod. The Bikernet mascot and mouse-mangler, Lucky, has gone feral. Dead and half-eaten critter carcasses liter the kitchen floor. Taking his cue from Sin Wu, he sleeps all day and parties all night.

As if that wasn’t enough, last week a couple of old bike riding louts from Bandit’s sordid youth, set up a ‘squatters ‘ camp in one of the old, empty truck bodies Bandit had intended to use for storing bike parts. The two reprobates, Bubba Rutabegga and his sidekick Lemmy Homo, are real hemorrhoids.

Luckily, they keep mostly to themselves. But it’s still distracting to have them out back, hollering and cackling away as their camp fire of busted up wooden pallets they steal from the harbor, spits and crackles.

These two and their rusty rat-bikes are starting to give Bikernet a bad name with the normally tolerant neighbors. The old, stooped -over, shawl-covered Mexican grandmas who push their squeaky shopping carts the 20 blocks to the Chihuahua Mercado on Gaffey and 5th St., give Bubba the sour ‘skunk eye’ when ever they pass by him.

Last night I was working late in the Bikernet garage, trying to bring to life a pile of discarded bike parts that Bandit and Nuttboy had been collecting in a couple of cardboard boxes in the back of the garage. About 11PM I heard this hollering and clattering outside. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lemmy Homo stumbling past the garage door, his pant leg ablaze.

Apparently, the two of them had earlier scored a six-pack of Old English ‘400’. After downing the heady brew, the two of them dozed off in the warmth of the fire. Lemmy Homo had slowly rolled over into the edge of the fire. By the time his benumbed synapses had finally jolted a signal to the pain center of his pickled brain, his pant leg looked like he’d be running for the opening Olympic ceremonies at Salt Lake City.

Speakin’ of the torch, check out what our own Helen Wolfe captured runnin’ right past her shop in Washington!

I wandered outside to tell them to quiet down. I walked up to the smiling Bubba whose bulging greasy cheeks shinned in the reflected light of the campfire. He was eating from a galvanized bucket of Louisiana Cajun Buttered Prawns he had snagged from a ‘dumpster’ behind one of San Pedro’s finest fish restaurants. The bucket was precariously balanced on a couple of rocks near the licking flames of the fire.

“Hey bro, I scored a bucket of prawns. You want some?” His hammy fist dug into the steaming bucket and came up with a goodly wad of the translucent shelled, pink crustaceans. “They’s mighty tasty, bro.”

I shook my head at the pro-offered spicy delights. With a shrug, he crammed the steaming mess into his gaping mouth. Lemmy Homo came limping back, cussing and griping, to the glowing edge of the sputtering fire.

“You done dancing?” Bubba had turned to Lemmy Homo, spattering the sidekick with a confetti shower of glistening prawn exoskeleton as he spoke. Lemmy Homo ignored the sarcasm and dug a greasy mitt into the steaming bucket.

“Hey Snake, what’s new?” Bubba tilted his head sideways like the RCA dog at an old Victrola horn, listening for his master’s voice.

Keeping out of range of the prawn splatter, I clued them into the past week’s happenings.

Caribbean Bikernet Report—-
This past week we took it seriously, we mocked two bikes, yeap not one,two Baby ! The bikes are , of course, Choppers and there might be a couplesurprises for you Bikernet junkies, also our let’s save the underratedSportster is almost done and we hope to be able (if our painter gets histhumb outta his ass ) feature the improvements next week. I humbly thinkthat we did a pretty cool bike on a very limited budget.Now for this weeks very important message:

If you have see this person please contact his next of kin, he was lastseen the 13 th of January after the Jesse James show, all we know is thathe got on his chopper and was going to try ride 1,300 miles just likeJesse did on the show, Puerto Rico being only 100 miles long that means atleast a gazillion times over. We tried to put his mug on a milk carton butthe local companies are afraid of an all time low on milk sales. We’ve hadreports of a weird yellow bike zooming around our rural areas, but no proofyet, could this guy be the real and infamous Goat sucker? Guess only timewill tell. If you see this guy please call 555- Chopdude.

Hey, look what we are going to use on our next bike, yep a real, honest toGod, original, stock 1965 Panhead, yeepee !There’s nothing better looking (in the bike motor world , of course) than aPanhead , oh well, Knucks are there too, yep, that engine is 36 years oldand it’s going into a brand spankin’ new chop for Bike Week. And sohappens my new bike, well maybe for sale if the right offer is made….. Keep tuned to Bikernet. com and The Horse magazine for the outcome, it’slooking good already, yessir.

We have an update on our missing persons case, another chopper rider wasable to ride for a few miles with the missing link, err person. Chiqui, wasbreaking in his new chop when he “found” the yellow chopper at a gasstation, we are guessing the rider was taking a “leak” the they rode for 50or so miles ’till meeting the Atlantic ocean and then turning back. Ourfriend reports that Kevin, (the missing person) was wearing the sameChopper Freak t-shirt and smelly jeans that he had on the 13th. Chiqui hadto bail out of the chase since the BO was not tolerated. We will keep ourupdates in following weeks or until the missing Mad man is found.

Also the local chopper guys are telling stories of some Bikernet babespartying their asses off in Old San Juan, skimpy summer dresses andcleavage is all they can mutter after more than 62 solid hours of drinkingand partying in the super crowded streets.One of the guys, Pepe kept mumbling the word “Sin” we are still trying tofigure out if it’s what they did or who they met, all he can recall is twosexy ladies going at each other in a dark alley of the 500 year old city.The question is, could the Bikernet ladies be in two places at the sametime, or someone is not telling the truth? Maybe the boys Layla was talkingabout are actually our local ni?os.

We just scored an old chopper, sight unseen; the seller claims it’s a 53,we are picking it up and will take photos for our Bikernet readers, we seeanother project coming up, and we are going to show every step of the wayhere . I was dying to do an Old Skool chop and the sale price was way toogood to let is pass. Let’s see what’s up with that.

Oh well, we have a few things to do, like plan all this new projects andlook for the sinful Bikernet babes, besides there were no news this week,and no news is good news. Like I said we are going to change things up abit, some news, some stories, some builds, and some blatant promotion ofour shop. And since Bandit’s away in the Super Stinkpot we can get awaywith what the hell we want……….Maybe next week I can slip some nakkidchicks photos without the censor strips, yessir….

See ya’ next week, with more news and more bull……

Jose – Caribbean Bikernet report (and since Bandit’s away, fictionand sex correspondent)

Continued On Page 2