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Read More March 14, 2002 Part 1
By Bandit |
Yep, well you’re absolutely right. I don’t know my ass from a hole in the ground as usual, can’t control my women and the in the last port, I chased a slinky, silk, slit up the side Hua Fu dress for Sin Wu. It’s against the Code of the West to buy clothing for women. Jewelry is cool, a handbag a wallet or a car, but no clothes. You can’t win. If it’s too tight you’ve embarrassed her. If it’s too big, you’ve called her fat.
So how the hell would I know about the industry, get the cool insider info or be able to bring you the deal of the century? How the hell would I know, let’s see:
EASYRIDERS COLUMBUS SHOW TOPS OLD NUMBERS–That’s right the national show in February in Columbus pulled 18,000 onlookers. According to the editor, Dave Nichols, “I think attendance was up because of better radio coverage toget people to the show, and the fact that the weather was great (no snow). Also, bike events have been doing very well since 9-11.”
BIG DADDY RAT, BIKER LEGEND TAKEN OUT–I mentioned that he was attacked by several woman, but that wasn’t the case, although, he wished it was. He’s been fighting stomach cancer for sometime. He was the master of the Big Daddy Rat images of the ’60s. He developed his mammoth bike shows in Daytona and Sturgis then worked with the man behind the Essen, Germany shows, to deliver his winners to Europe each year and share them with the 350,000 spectators who came to the motherland shows. Unbelievable.
Big Daddy, or Karl Smith, was a helluva guy and one of the major forces behind Bike Week in the early days. Good brother and a wild character, as nuts as his Rat logo. I’ll miss him.
Bikernet Caribbean Report—Hey ! Just got back from the Daytona mayhem, shit, it sucks more everyyear. It was fun to meet with old friends and talk a bit, the Sheriff fromSweden was there shooting for ScanBike, we always meet him, no matter whatand it’s always good to see him (plus and avid reader of Bikernet). BillyLane was there with his new hub less bike and a couple missing fingers, badaccident, he got them caught in his primary belt, it hurts just thinkingabout it, but like he said, “What I did with ten, can do with eight ” wayto go Bro.
We did not see Jesse, but he was there, his stuff was selling like hotcakes, and I mean one of every five had some garment that had Jesse’s logo,good for him. Also he brought a Funny car, a cool ass Hot Rod and his pickup truck to the booth, obvious that his area was the hot place to be.
Wemet Crazy Horse which is a fellow contributor to Bikernet and The Horse, shewas having a great time and went to every party and then some, we took apicture together so maybe sometime it will show up in here.
Also we sat down and talked to the guys at Killer Choppers(killerchoppers.com). They had some really cool frames and parts forchoppers. These 3 amigos got a good thing going on, check their web siteout, and all the frames are done customer order and at a very reasonableprice. Check ’em out
One gripe I have, and yes I’m gonna bitch, Daytona is getting way too bigfor it’s britches, the A1A traffic was 7 miles long, even the residentialstreets that we use as shortcuts were crowded. It took some people a solidthree hour drive from Orlando just to get to the Speedway, also we noticedthe amount of crotch rockets, I would dare say half, which adds to theabsurd amount of people there. Also the “Rubs” with their new bikes crackin’those drag pipes at all hours and all places. We even saw a few guyschanging pipes on the parking lot to go and make noise down the street. Dudes, if you don’t make that much noise back home, Why Daytona? Needlessto say they were getting busted for noise, but most of the time we saw thecops picking the wrong guy. We avoided Main Street like it was a bad caseof herpes. We almost punched out a “newbie” that tried to sit on my bikefor a photo, Hey stupid ! Other people bikes are sacred!We saw some crazy shit that did not happen before, people were pushing andshoving while walking down the street, and even fights breaking out. I tellya’ these new riders have to learn the rules and pay their dues beforesomeone smashes their faces in.
It’s like you have to watch your back from an over excited, drunk, yuppie,one thing that we have never done, even with the baddest of the 1% ers.On the other hand, we lost Big Daddy Rat, which is sad for the whole bikerlifestyle, and the Rat’s Hole show had many cool bikes from all over theworld, although, people will have to build a special bike for these shows tobe able to compete, and spend over 50 g’s on it. We are suckers for oldschool stuff and choppers, there were a couple there, but obviouslyignored. Also I saw the nicest Twin Cam I?ve seen yet, it was a fat boy withflat black paint, apes, white wall tires and red rims. Dude if you readthis, that was a cool ass bike, too bad I did not have my camera.
We got a new Buell Blast, it’s not the fastest most powerful bike , buthell it was a trip. We zipped around town cutting lanes and had a greattime. The little bike is quick and easy to handle, we were almost stealthamongst all those posers, shit we managed to come back with no tickets! BTW this bike is a gift for Yoly, but we had to test it, right ?
All in all Daytona is the mother of all rallies, people from all over theworld show up there for ten full days of bike action, fun and games.There’s still so much stuff to do that no one can see everything, or canget there without frying a piston, too bad it’s starting to suck thanks tothose who don’t know the unwritten rules of this lifestyle. Tell ya thetruth, there’s not enough money in this world to pay those cops, sometimesit turned into pure chaos. (Hope they read this and don’t bust us anymore)
So there it is, trial and tribulations in Daytona, I know I?m forgetting acouple things, but hell, we got next week!Hey I say it as I see it !!!
Later……..
Jose,
Bikernet Caribbeanagent
Continued On Page 2
March 7, 2002 Part 2
By Bandit |
Continued From Page 1
Jewish woman—-
An elderly Jewish woman decided to have her portrait painted.She told the the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, adiamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach and a Rolex.”
“But you are not wearing any of those things.”
“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before myhusband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife togo crazy looking for the jewelry.”
Erik Buell Inducted into National Motorcycle Museum Hall of Fame
MILWAUKEE, Wis. – (March 6, 2002) Erik Buell, chairman and chief technical officer of Buell Motorcycle Co., was inducted into the National Motorcycle Museum Hall of Fame during Daytona Bike Week. Recognized as a leader in the industry, Buell joins other legends such as Willie G. Davidson, Jim Davis and Joe Parkhurst, all previous inductees into the Hall of Fame.
As America?s premier designer of sportbikes, Buell has had a long history of developing motorcycles that fuel the passion and stir the soul. He began his career designing motorcycles while attending the University of Pittsburgh and working his way through school as a mechanic and custom bike builder. Fueling his passion even further, Buell started road racing in 1973 and was up to professional status within a few years.
By 1984, Buell was building Formula One class racers at his home in rural Wisconsin. Just as Buell was beginning to make a name for himself, the American Motorcyclist Association eliminated Formula One racing and the market for his motorcycles. After six more years working as an independent manufacturer, Buell realized he needed a partner. Harley-Davidson Inc. bought the majority interest in Buell Motorcycle Co. in 1998, with Buell staying on as chairman and chief technical officer.
Constantly rethinking the industry is what has set Buell, and the motorcycles with his name embossed on them, apart from the other ubiquitous sportbikes. Design philosophies of mass centralization, low unsprung weight and frame rigidity have allowed Buell to create the ultimate streetfighters.
The National Motorcycle Museum was founded in 1988 to promote the motorcycling industry and to preserve its history. The Hall of Fame was organized to recognize people who have contributed to the role of motorcycling in terms of industry, promotion, leadership and competition. A voting committee consisting of motorcycle enthusiasts from across the United States selected this year?s winners.
To learn more about Buell Motorcycles, visit your local Buell dealer today and experience the pure streetfighter attitude, style and performance only found onboard a Buell. Call (800) 409-9635 for the Buell dealer nearest you, or pull into www.buell.com.
GASOLINE—–
Nothing is more frustrating to me than the feeling that every time I fill up the tank, I am sending my money to people who are trying to kill me, my family and my friends. It turns out that oil companies import a lot of Middle Eastern oil and others do not import any. I thought it might be interesting for Americans to know which oil companies are the best to buy their gas from.
Here is the list: Top 5 companies that import Middle Eastern oil for the period 9/1/00 – 8/31/01. By the way, 86 percent of all Middle Eastern oil comes from Saudi Arabia and Iraq.
1. Shell: 206,742,000 barrels of oil.
2. Chevron/Texaco: 144,332,000 barrels of oil.
3. Exxon/Mobil: 130,082,000 barrels of oil.
4. Marathon: 117,740,000 barrels of oil.
5. BP Amoco: 62,231,000
If you do the math at $30 per barrel, these imports amount to about $18 billion. That’s a lot of money.
The following large companies do not import much, if any, Middle Eastern Oil.
1. Citgo: 0 barrels of oil.
2. Sunoco: 0
3. Conoco: 0
4. Sinclair: 0
5. Phillips: 0
All of this information is available from the Department of Energy and can be easily documented. Refineries located in the United States are required to state where they get their oil and how much they are importing. They report on a monthly basis.
You may want to keep this list in your car, share it with friends.
Stop paying for terrorism !
Proof that Vodka is Good For Your Brain—-
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface, including glass, and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 Celsius.
When confronted with the same problem, the Russians used a pencil.
Has anyone lost or broken the remote? The attached brand is better with a reasonable price.
HOW OLD IS THIS MAN ……??—–
One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. He asked what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
The granddad replied, “Well, let me think a minute …I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill. There was no radar, credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, well the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man hadn’t yet walked on the moon.
Your grandmother and I got married first-and then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother, and every boy over 14 had a rifle that his dad taught him how to use and respect. And they went hunting and fishing together. Until I was 25, I called every man older than I,’Sir’-and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, ‘Sir.’
Sundays were set aside for going to church as a family, helping those in need, and visiting with family or neighbors. We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.
Serving your country was a privilege; living here was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums. We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President’s speeches on our radios. And I don’t ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.
The term ‘making out’ referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut, McDonald’s and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5- and 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn’t want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail one letter and two postcards.
You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my day, ‘grass’ was mowed, ‘coke’ was a cold drink, ‘pot’ was something your mother cooked in, and ‘rock music’ was your grandmother’s lullaby. ‘Aids’ were helpers in the principal’s office, ‘chip’ meant a piece of wood, ‘hardware’ was found in a hardware store, and ‘software’ wasn’t even a word. And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us “old and confused” and say there is a generation gap and how old do you think I am – ????
ANSWER
This man would be only 59 years old.
Teddy Bears—–
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they endupleaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her aroundhis apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed withsweet,cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the wayalong the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher,andhuge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is kindofsurprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears,especiallyone that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him,beingquite impressed by this sensitive side of his personality. She turns tohim, they kiss and then they rip each other’s clothes off, and make hotsteamy love.After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they arelying together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,”Well, how was it?”
The man says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”
Redneck country—–
Did you hear about the guy from Arkansas who passed away and left hisentire estate to his beloved widow?
But she can’t touch it ’til she’s 14.
How do you know when you’re staying in an Arkansas hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, “I gotta leak in my sink,” thefront desk replies, “Go ahead.”
How can you tell if an Arkansas redneck is married?
There’s dried tobacco juice on BOTH sides of his pickup.
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools! What do they call rerun of “Hee Haw” in Arkansas? Documentaries.
Where was the toothbrush invented?
Arkansas. If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.
An Ohio State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and says to the Arkansas driver, “Got any I.D.?”
“Bout wut?” says the driver!
Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery?
The winner gets$3 a year for a million years.
Did you hear that the governor’s mansion in Arkansas burned down?
Yep.Pert’ near took out the whole trailer park.
The library was a total loss, too. Both books-poof!-up in flames and he hadn’t even finished coloring one of them.
A new law recently passed in Arkansas:
When a couple gets divorced,they’re STILL brother and sister.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder—–
They have finally found a diagnosis for my condition. Hooray!!
I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder…
This is how it goes: I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. Ok, I’m going to wash the car. But first I’m going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trashcan is full. OK, I’ll just put the bills on my desk and take the trashcan out, but since I’m going to be near the mailbox anyway, I’ll pay these few bills first. Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there’s only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk. Oh, there’s the coke I was drinking. I’m going to look for those checks. But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer, oh maybe I’ll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while. I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water. I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I’d better put them away first. I fill a container with water and head for the flowerpots – – Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We’ll never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I’d better put it back in the family room where it belongs. I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do? End of Day: The car isn’t washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can’t seem to find my car keys! When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I’m baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!! I realize this is a serious condition and I’ll get help, BUT FIRST I think I’ll check my e-mail…
Okay, how was that?— Not much about banana production but there was a bunch about bikes and bikers, some babes, some jokes, some news. If you want advice, talk to Bandit. Just like he said, ?Make sure you don?t get too much Lok-Tite on yer nuts.? As for me? Advice? How about?stay between the ditches? Naaaaah.If it weren?t for all the Venetian blind manufacturers, it would be curtains for all of us.
Later,
Nuttboy
March 7, 2002 Part 1
By Bandit |
Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like bananas
ByNuttBoy
I like working with my hands. I?m not an ?old school? biker. I?m not much of a bike rider. Building a new bike is the kind of challenge I like. My father, a tool and die maker and machinist, showed me how to use tools. What he taught me was how to solve mechanical challenges. The most important thing he taught me was to apply the rigor of precision relative to the demands of the task. Aerospace demands a tolerance beginning at .001, car engines are built to .001. Motorcycles are a bit different.
My motorcycle mentor, Bandit, introduced me to the creative challenge of building bikes. As we were busy crafting a pile of metallic crap into a sculptural beauty, I was on one side of the bike frame cussing and fussing about the crudeness of the thread cut on a couple of chrome 16-20 bolts. Suddenly Bandit?s rangy, 6-foot-2-inch, scowling countenance loomed over the other side of the rusty, raw rigid frame. ?God damn it,? one of his furrowed brows arched, the other eye squinting like Wallace Berry as Long John Silver. ?The main thing you gotta remember about buildin? bikes is ya gotta have fun. Oh, and ya gotta make sure you don?t get too much Lok-Tite on yer nuts.?
Well, I?d say that was pretty good advice for everyone. Too often I encounter hard heads and nitwits who have this rigid view of bikes and bikers. What a bunch of hemorrhoids. These old poops want time to stop, they want nothing to change, while they drop trou?, pissing and moaning about the lack of respect they feel is due them. For all their chest thumping bravado, time flies like an arrow.
Change will happen, for better or worse, as sure as the ebbing of the tide. Yesterday?s badass wanna be, is today?s crusty old fart, cussing and moaning about crappy thread cut in a drafty old garage. That and having a friend who reminds you, none too gently, that the point of it all is to live life to fullest, ride with heart and enjoy the pleasures of a good woman.Now, as concerns Bolivia?s projected banana production, fiscal year 2003-2004?Here?s the news?
Helen Wolfe
Passes Away
Karl ?Big Daddy Rat? Smith has died. He was 74 years young and is known for his famous bike show promotions held in Daytona Beach, Fla., during Bike Week and Biketoberfest. He also put on bike shows in Germany, Sweden, Holland and Sturgis, S.D.
He had a massive heart attack March 4, 2002, while at his daughter?s house in Daytona Beach.
His Rat?s Hole T-Shirt and Gift Shop on Main Street is open and The Big Daddy Rat?s Motorcycle Show will go on as planned on at 10 a.m. Saturday at the Ocean Center, 101 N. Atlantic Ave. Smith’s son, Karl Jr., will run it.
Karl was going to receive an award at the show for his lifetime efforts to promote Bike Week activities in Daytona Beach. The ceremony will be turned into a memorial. No time has been set for it as yet.
My how priorities change!—-
ONE DAY AN ELDERLY GENTLEMAN WHO LOVED TO FISH WAS SITTINGIN HIS BOAT WHEN HE HEARD A VOICE SAY,”EXCUSE ME, SIR! WOULD YOU PICK ME UP, PLEASE?”
HE LOOKED AROUND AND COULDN’T SEE ANY ONE. HE THOUGHT HE WAS DREAMINGWHENHE HEARD THE VOICE AGAIN,”EXCUSE ME, SIR!! WOULD YOU PLEASE PICK ME UP?!”
HE LOOKED IN THE WATER AND THERE FLOATING ON A LILY PAD WAS A FROG.THE GENTLEMAN SAID “ARE YOU TALKING TO ME?”
THE FROG SAID, “YES, I’M TALKING TO YOU! PICK ME UP AND KISS ME.I’ll TURN INTO THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN YOUHAVE EVER SEEN AND WILL SATISFY YOUR EVERY DESIRE! IT WILL BE EVERYTHING YOUHAVE EVER DREAMED OF!
THE GENTLEMAN LOOKED AT THE FROG FOR A SHORT TIME, AND THEN REACHED OVERAND
PICKED IT UP CAREFULLY, PLACING IT IN HIS FRONT BREAST POCKET ANDBUTTONINGIT TIGHTLY.
THE FROG SAID, “WHAT!?! ARE YOU NUTS!?! DIDN’T YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID? ISAIDKISS ME AND I WILL GIVE YOU SUCH PLEASURES AS YOU HAVE NEVER HAD.”
HE OPENED HIS POCKET, LOOKED AT THE FROG AND SAID,
“AT MY AGE I’D RATHER HAVE A TALKING FROG.”
Tattoo Of The Week
How to use a condom after 50—
Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3, 6 or 12—-
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?” To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son … Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package?”
The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.”
“Cool!” says the boy. He notices a six pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men.” the dad answers, “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March……..”
Dentist—-
George W. Bush and Tony Blair are at a White House dinner.
One of the guests walks over to them and asks what they’re discussing.
“We are making up the plans for World War III,” says Bush.
“Wow,” says the guest. “And what are the plans?”
“We’re gonna kill 14 million Muslims and one dentist,” answers Bush.
The guest looks to be a bit confused.
“One…dentist?” He says. “Why will you kill one dentist?”
Blair pats Bush on the shoulder and says, “What did I tell you?
Nobody is gonna ask about the Muslims.”
THE SILENT TREATMENT—-
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early- morning business flight to Chicago.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5 a.m.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, “It is 5 a.m. Wake up.”
MEN JUST AREN’T EQUIPPED FOR THESE SORT OF CONTESTS
Continued On Page 2
March 2, 2002 Part 4
By Bandit |
Continued From Page 3
Know Your Job—-
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to removehis eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”
Once again the priest apologized. “Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.”
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129.
It said, “Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory.”
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job or you might missa great opportunity!
Big Sisters In Trouble Now—
A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from asmall cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.
“Why do you want cider?” asked Mom.
“To take the pain away, ” sobbed the little girl.
Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.
The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.
“It doesn’t work!” she yelled.
“What do you mean?” asked Mom.
“Well, ” sniffed the little girl, “I overheard my sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can’t wait to get it in cider.”
Don’t try this at home, boys and girls!
Something to think about!—
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. The American tourist standingnearby complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fishandasked how long it took him to catch them. “Not very long,” answeredtheMexican. “But then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?”askedthe American. The Mexican explained that his small catch wassufficienttomeet his needs and those of his family. The American asked, “But whatdoyoudo with the rest of your time?” “I sleep late, fish a little, playwithmychildren, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go intothevillage to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, andsingafew songs…I have a full life.”
The American interrupted, “I’d like to give you some advice. I’m amanagerwith GE, have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! If you startfishinglonger every day, you can then sell the extra fish you catch. With theextrarevenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the largerboatwill bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on untilyouhave an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to amiddleman, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants andmaybeeven open your own plant. You can then leave this little villageand movetoMexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you candirectyour huge enterprise. “How long would that take?” asked the Mexican.”Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,” replied the American. “And afterthat?””Afterwards? That’s when it gets really interesting,” answered theAmerican,laughing. “When your business gets really big, you can start sellingstocksand make millions!” “Millions? Really? And after that?”
“After thatyou’llbe able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late,playwith your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta, and spend youreveningsdrinking and enjoying your friends!”
Well, them Bikernet females was like a bunch of braying mules. They were hootin’ and hollerin’, crowding the doorway, pointing at the little fella. I grabbed my pants and hobbled away, hollerin’ back at them, “I’ve got news for you. See if I offer to get naked with you again, ya’ floppy-titted, fat assed dikes.”
Sin Wu hollered back, “We aren’t getting naked for you, ya’ slime-ball. We’re getting naked for the paying subscribers to Bandits Cantina. Only the finest strip bare for the pleasure of a real connoisseur of female flesh.” Some days are like that, goddamn it. I’ll let Bandit tell you to live free and ride with the wind. As for me, I’m finishing off this six pack.
March 2, 2002 Part 3
By Bandit |
Continued From Page 2
What Was I Suppose To Do?—In 2001, five times more money was spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer’s research. That means that in 30 years there will be people walking around with huge breasts and erections–but they won’t remember what to do with them.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From an Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who had moved to Texas from the East Coast: recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILI # 1 MIKE’S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy. __________________________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR’S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be take seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer.
CHILI # 4 BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LINDA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
CHILI # 6 VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: the best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
CHILI # 7 SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 TOM’S HOTTER THAN A TEXAS SUMMER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare it’s existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he’d have reacted to a really hot chili?
Cyril HuzeVee Switch Housing
New from Cyril Huze is this very simple & clean looking part to install an ignition switch between the cylinders. Can be bolted on Huze Dreamliner motor mount or on most after-market motor mounts. If you keep your original equipment 2-piece Evo motor mount, you must use a top motor mount adaptor also available from the company. Ignition round key switch in 2 or 3 positions must be ordered separately. Chrome.
Cyril Huze
Tel: 561-392-5557
Fax: 561-392-9923
Website: http://www.cyrilhuze.com
Hey Digital!
Well it’s 39 outside,but clear and sunny. So i got out the shit and took pic’s
I left gaps in the G pad for ventilation purposes. The helmet still sits a little high so the trimming will lower the helmet and also clean up the rough surfaces of the G pad. Well there it is,,,I will let you word it however you choose to do so. Sorry it took so long,,,My ol’lady is handicapped and has more illnesses than Bandit has pieces of junk in the storage container out back of the hideout.So thats why I am so busy around here.You and the crew are doing a great job on the site and i think Keith does some work on the site,but spends more time out in the field (playing)abroad or back home.I think he relies alot on you guys to keepthe site going.I cant wait to hear how that new scoot of yours rides ,,
See Ya,
SCOOT
Mensa test—
Here’s a riddle for theintellectually minded. The answer is at the bottomfor those who can’t think thisone through.
At the exact same time, there aretwo young men on opposite sides of theearth: One is walking a tightrope between two skyscrapers, the other isgetting a blow job from a 75 yearold woman and they’re each thinking theexact same thing.
What are they both thinking?
.
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Don’t look down.
Another Don?t Try This At Home
G.C.E.’S
The following questions and answers were collated from British GCSE papers (16 yr olds)
Name the four seasons?
Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
How is dew formed?
The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
In a democratic society, how important are elections ?
Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
What are steroids?
Things for keeping carpets on the stairs.
What happens to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
Premature Death.
What is artificial insemination ?
When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
How can you delay milk turning sour?
Keep it in the cow.
What is a fibula?
A small lie
What does varicose mean?
Nearby
What is the most common form of contraception?
Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”?
The caesarean section is a district of Rome.
What is a terminal illness?
When you are sick at the airport
Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning ?
Hands that judicious can be as soft as your face.
What is a turbine ?
Something an arab wears on his head.
Continued On Page 4
March 2, 2002 Part 2
By Bandit |
Continued From Page 1
BUELL PRO RACING SUPPORT PROGRAMS REVEALED
AMA Buell Pro Thunder and Formula USA Buell Lightning Series to Return in 2002
MILWAUKEE, Wis. (March 1, 2002) – Buell Motorcycle Company recently revealed its professional racing programs for the 2002 season, announcing support for the five-round national AMA Buell Pro Thunder series and the eight-round national Formula USA Buell Lightning Series, presented by Buell Pro Series Accessories.
?Both Buell customers and dealers are actively involved in amateur level racing around the world. And we?re excited to add to that involvement by once again sponsoring programs that give our customers and our dealers an opportunity to compete at the national level in professional roadracing,? said Erik Buell, chairman and chief technical officer of Buell Motorcycle Company.
The AMA Buell Pro Thunder series, which pits Buell racers against twin-cylinder, triple- cylinder and single-cylinder motorcycles from many other manufacturers, will be a featured event at select AMA Superbike rounds. The events will be held in Daytona, Fla. on March 10; Fountain, Colo. on June 2; Elkhart Lake, Wis. on June 9; Brainerd, Minn. on June 30 and Monterey, Calif. on July 14. The championship runner-up Hal?s Buell team and the Tilley?s Buell and Kosco?s Buell team will be among the top dealer-sponsored teams competing in the Buell Pro Thunder class.
The Formula USA Buell Lightning Series, presented by Buell Pro Series Accessories, is a horsepower and weight restricted Buell-only spec-class. The F-USA events will be held in Daytona, Fla. on March 3; Summit Point, W.Va. on May 26; Loudon, N.H. on June 16; Toronto, Ontario on July 21; Elkhart Lake, Wis. on August 4; Long Pond, Pa. on August 25; Portland, Ore. on September 8; and Daytona again on October 20. Defending class champion Kosco?s Buell will return along with many other Buell dealer teams to compete in the series.
To learn more about Buell motorcycles, visit your local Buell dealer today and experience the pure streetfighter attitude, style and performance only found onboard a Buell. Call 1-800-490-9635 for the Buell dealer nearest you. Or pull into www.buell.com.
Bikernet Readers Can Help—
Dear kindhearted friends
Now that the holiday season has passed, please look into your heart to help those in need. Enron executives in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level.
And, as if that weren’t bad enough, they will be deprived of it as a result of the bankruptcy and current SEC investigation.
Now, you can help! For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that’s less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an Enron executive remain economically viable during his or her time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem, but it’s a start!
Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to an Enron exec it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than rent, a car note or mortgage payments. But to an Enron exec $700 will almost replace his per diem.
Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable an Enron exec to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
HOW WILL I KNOW I’M HELPING?
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the exec you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, off-shore accounts, pyramid schemes, dummy accounts, tax shelters, and other investment holdingswill be mailed to your home. You’ll also get information on how he plans to invest his golden parachute. Imagine the joy as you watch your executive’s portfolio double or triple!
Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the exec (unsigned fora signed photo, please include an additional $50.00). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples’ suffering.
HOW WILL HE KNOW I’M HELPING?
Your Enron exec will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the exec won’t know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.
YES, I WANT TO HELP!
I would like to sponsor an Enron executive. My preference is checked below:
[ ] Midlevel Manager
[ ] Director
[ ] Vice President (Higher cost; please specify which department)
[ ] President (Even higher cost; please specify which department)
[ ] CEO (Contribution: Average Enron janitor monthly salary x 700)
[ ] Entire Company
[ ] I’ll sponsor an Exec most in need. Please select one for me.
It’s just that easy so do it now!
* Please charge the account listed below ___________ per day and send me a picture of the Enron executive I have sponsored, along with my very own Enron “Keep America Strong; Sponsor an Enron Exec: Ask Me How!” T-shirt to wear proudly.
Your Name: _______________________
Telephone Number: _______________________
Account Number: _______________________
Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] Cayman Island Express [ ] Discover
Signature: _______________________
Mail completed form to “The Invisible Hand” or call 1-900-2MUCH now to enroll by phone.
Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the executive they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, Congressional subpoenas, grand jury summons, or third parties.Keep in mind that the executive you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations
Contributions are NOT tax-deductible
Introducing…
The 2002 FastDates.com Corona Extra Suzuki team
February 29th? That’s us on the cover of the new 2002 Suzuki Genuine Accessories catalog featuring AMA 750cc National SuperSport Champion Jimmy Moore and the USA themed FastDates.com sponsored Corona Extra Suzuki racebike!
And this is the first formal announcement that the SBK World Superbike sponsored 2003 Fast Dates calendar and FastDates.com website is again a reciprocal sponsor of 750cc National SuperSport Champions Team EBSCO Corona Extra Suzuki for the 2002 AMA National Roadracing Championship
As we prepare for the opening AMA round at Daytona this week our 3 rider team is finalized with our returning National Champion Jimmy Moore and crew chief Michael Tjon in 600cc and 750cc SuperSport, together with new teammates Steve Rapp with crew chief Jeremy Daniel in 600cc SuperSport and Extreme, and Jordan Szoke with crew chief Lance Bale in 750cc SuperSport and Extreme. Team co-ordinator is again Kerry Andrews with the team’s Suzuki GSXR bikes being prepared at his shop HyperCycle in Van Nuys, CA. Team principals are Landers Sevier and Tim Saunders.
FastDates.com is the world’s leading publisher of motorcycle racing and pinup calendars, and produces the popular FastDates.com motorcycle website. The 2003 SBK World Superbike Championship endorsed Fast Dates racebike pinup calendar is sponsored by Team EBSCO Corona Extra Suzuki and Performance Machine. FastDates.com’s director is Jim Gianatsis, former Cycle News editor, now director of Gianatsis Design Associates a Los Angeles based motorsport ad agency, and producer of the Los Angles Calendar Motorcycle Show, the biggest custom and high performance streetbike show in America.
Details at http://www.FastDates.com
and http://www.corona-suzuki.com
Katja Poensgen to join us?
Other news sources are recklessly stating that European roadracing beauty Katja Poensgen will be joining our team at Daytona. Which is not correct. What is correct is that FastDates.com director Jim Gianatsis, together with Landers Sevier, have been in contact with Katja to join our team since her departure from the Alstare Corona Suzuki as the star of the European 750cc SuperStock Championship back in 2000. At that time Katja decided to stay based in Europe and accepted a 250cc Grand Prix ride on a factory supported Aprilia, which unfortunately fell through for lack of sponsorship just as the 2001 season started, leaving Katja to contest just some of the GP races on another team’s less than competitive spare bike.
Coming into the 2002 season Katja was again hoping to put together a European based Grand Prix ride but couldn’t. Meanwhile at EBSCO Corona Suzuki we had to go ahead and finalize our 2002 race program which was for three riders which have been signed. We are now in discussions with Katja to join the team as our 4th rider, but nothing can happen in time for Daytona. If Katja does join the team, as we hop, her first race could be round 2 at California Speedway, Fontana, April 6-7th.
For additional information contact
Jim Gianatsis, FastDates.com
PH: 818.223.8550
Continued On Page 3
March 2, 2002 Part 1
By Bandit |
Take for example the women who are bouncing around the Bikernet headquarters. They’re a bunch of tight-assed bitches. It’s that Dragon Lady, Sin Wu and her gang of lesbo-lust nymphet?s. They wouldn’t recognize prime stud talent if it bit ’em on the ass. Just yesterday, I get wind of something new happening at Bikernet. I hear that the site is going naked. So I figure to get in on some of the action. I mean what horny harlot could pass up a chance to do the ‘slow dance’ with the Snake? Maybe it’ll be a steaming hot tub with a bevy of beauties all hot to have me join ’em.
So, I pop for a six-pack of high-powered “Still Reserve” and one of them glow-in-the-dark condoms. I figure to state my case loud and clear, so I drop trousers just before I knock on the door. It was a cold night and they took their time getting to the door. By the time they opened it, the cold had given me a case of “shrinkage”, if you know what I mean. Anyway, when they opened the door, there I stood, proud as can be?a six pack of beer in one hand, a condom in the other, and a less than rigid salute.
Did ya’ ever have a day where no matter what you did, it always turned out to be the crappy end of the stick. Some days are like thin Kleenex, ya’ blow yer nose too hard and end up with a handful of snot.
Bikernet Caribbean Report—Just got in from the shop, trying to finish the Sportster chopper beforeleaving for Daytona, so this photo of the “Let’s save the underratedSporty” is not even an hour old. We still need to finish some details but ,don’t we always?
The winner of the Trivia is Aaron Pritchard from House of Thunder in GuymanOklahoma, as soon as we know the size and address the shirt will be on theway.
Work is getting kind of brutal, sort of looking forward to our Daytona”vacation” and getting to see all those new bikes and ideas, seems like isnot gonna be too (too,too) crowded, like always we waited until the lastminute to reserve hotel rooms and this year we found with no problem, wedid not even had to bribe the reservations agent this time, cool ! If anyof our readers see us around come say hi and shoot the shit for awhile, oneof the coolest things about this events is meeting people face to face.Just in case here’s a shot of what I look like, you might know already Yolyfrom the mag article.
Another thing, the orange West Coast Chopper will be in Daytona and it’sfor sale if interested shoot an e-mail and let us knowJose@ ChopperFreak.com
Next week we will not report since we will be in Florida, but we promise alot of stuff by the time we come back……..See ya soon !
Jose…….Bikernet Caribbean
We?ve Always Done It That Way—Does the statement, “We’ve always done it that way” ring any bells… ? The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8. 5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.
Why did “they” use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse’s ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.
Now the twist to the story…
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass.
… and you thought being a HORSE’S ASS wasn’t important!
Continued On Page 2
February 21, 2002 Part 3
By Bandit |
ByLayla
Continued From Page 2
Ready Camps
We are a new companyhere in Grand Junction, Colo., and I’m sure your readers would enjoy hearingabout us. We are trying to be at the popular scooter events across thecountry and can have a campsite ready and waiting when your subscribersshow up. We’ll also take it back down and clean the site afterwards. Takesall of the work out of camping out and leaves more time to do what bikersare known for, party!
If you are looking for a great outdoor vacation but don’t want to haul allof your gear with you, the folks at ReadyCamps might be able to help youout. They rent affordable luxury camps in the western United States. Youcan pick your own spot or they can recommend a scenic spot. For bikers,hunters, fishermen, boaters, mountain bikers, four wheelers andoutdoorsmen alike. If they can get a four-wheel drive vehicle there, theywill get a camp there for you. Imagine driving into your favorite spot andhaving a camp there waiting for you, including a 16-by-32 foot tent,generator, microwave, coffee maker, TV/VCR, fluorescent interior lighting,quartz exterior lighting, wood stove, cook stove, eating and cookingutensils, ice chests, beds, table, chairs, water, firewood, and fuel.Virtually a 500 square foot cabin in your favorite motorcycle eventlocation. You can reach us at (970) 257-0800; or visit us on the Web atwww.readycamps.com.
Thank you,
Dennis Thomas
Owner
ReadyCamps
P.O. Box 3172
Grand Junction, Colo. 81503
Dear Liberal:
Thank you for your recent whiney-assed letter criticizing the treatment ofthe Taliban and Al Queda detainees being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
As part of the Administration’s Liberal Re-training Program, you’ll bepleased to learn that the Administration has decided to place one detaineeunder your exclusive care. Your detainee is scheduled to be delivered toyour personal residence on Monday. The detainee is to be cared for pursuantto the standards you strongly recommended in your letter of admonishment. Itwill be necessary that you hire your own caretakers. We will also conductweekly inspections, of course, to assure that your detainee is actuallybeing cared for in the manner you personally prescribed.
His meal requirements are simple, but we strongly suggest using menus thatdo not require utensils. While he does bite, the rabies test was negative,although he does have a bad case of body lice that we haven’t completelyremedied.
Although he is sociopathic and very psychotic, we do welcome your promisedefforts to overcome that “attitudinal problem” with your promised counselingand home schooling. He’s extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and canextinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or light bulb. We donot suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these proficiencies at your nextbridge party.
He also has the ability to make a variety of lethal bombs from commonhousehold products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up,notwithstanding that it may conflict with your moral values or disrupt yourmaid’s daily routine.Please heed the large orange notice attached to your detainee’s cage. “Doesnot play well with others.”
Your detainee generally bathes quarterly, with the change of seasons,assuming that it rains, and washes his clothes simultaneously. That shouldhelp with your water bill.
Be assured, your detainee absolutely loves pets of all kinds, but isespecially fond of cats and dogs. He prefers them roasted. You take goodcare of our detainee now.
BUSINESS-101 Marketing Concepts:
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say,
“I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Direct Marketing.
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says,
“He’s fantastic in bed.”
That’s Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say,
“Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Telemarketing.
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say,
“By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Public Relations.
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says,
“I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”
That’s Brand Recognition.
The City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam
NAME: ____________________________
GANG NAME: ______________________
1. Little Johnny has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has toreload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value ofthe restof his hold?
3. Rufus pimps 3 hoes. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricksperday must each ho turn to support Rufus’s $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 tomake20% profit. How many ounces will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and$100 for a 4×4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4×4’s, how manymore corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?
6. Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If hiscommon-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left whenhe gets out?Extra credit bonus: how much more time will he get for killing the hoethat spent his money?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and theaverageletter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eightounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?
8. Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in hisgang.What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?
9. Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a Boa Constrictor thateats 3small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a weekas a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the Boa on one week’s income?
10. Billy steals Joe’s skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joeloads his .357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his Magnum,howfar away will Billy be when he gets whacked?
Continued On Page 4
February 21, 2002 Part 2
By Bandit |
ByLayla
Continued From Page 1
THIS SEPARATES THE MEN FROM THE WOMEN
A little test to sort the men from the women.
Every day, millions of images go to your brain, but you know, only some of these are focused. To prove it, take this test: Stare at the picture and see how fast you can find the car.
time for the man: 12.46 minutes
time for the woman: 1.23 seconds
Historic Moment
At 8:02 p.m. on Feb. 20 this year, it will be an historic moment in time.
It will not be marked by the chiming of any clocks or the ringing of bells, but at that precise time, on that specific date, something will happen which has not occurred for 1,001 years and will never happen again.
As the clock ticks over from 8:01 p.m. on Feb. 20, time will, for 60 seconds only, read in perfect symmetry 2002, 2002, 2002, or to be more precise – 20:02, 20/02, 2002.
This historic event will never have the same poignancy as the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month which marks Armistice Day, but it is an event that has only ever happened once before, and is something that will never be repeated.
The last occasion that time read in such a symmetrical pattern was long before the days of the digital watch and the 24-hour clock at 10:01 a.m. on Jan. 10, 1001.
And because the clock only goes up to 23:59, it is something that will never happen again.
Do We Really Need More Security?
Almost 150 years ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a privateinvestigator, Mr. Alan Pinkerton. He was actually the beginning of theSecret Service. Since that time, federal police authority has grown to alarge number of agencies – FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA, BATF, SS, ATF, etc. NowCongress is considering a proposal for another agency: the “Federal AirTransportation Airport Security Service.” Now you tell me, does the image ofa security officer at an airport eating a donut, wearing a jacket that says
F.A.T.A.S.S amuse you as well?
Rogue
Digital Fuel Optimizer For Electronic Fuel Injection Systems
?Stand alone? technology (no factory ?re-maps? or Website-downloads required.)
Increased Horsepower everywhere!
Crisper Throttle Response
Full 3-range Adjustable Fuel Delivery Curve
Easy installation and Set Up
Simple Screwdriver ?Dial-in?
DFO- all you need to know, for maximum GO!
Our testing has found that the Screamin’ Eagle upgrade ?Module? is a download of optional EFI ?maps? through their diagnostic tool into the OEM black box. Both of these maps are still emission based and therefore are very limited in their function and cannot address the huge possible number of combinations that consumers are going to produce.The Dynojet product although adjustable to each bike, it requires a laptop computer or internet downloads to effect changes to each bike.
DFO is much broader in its range of adjustment(equally effective on stock bikes, all the way up to 100hp-plus, big displacement motors) and that adjustment is very easy to achieve by the end user. Peak horsepower is only one issue that needs to be addressed; the true beauty of our product is the improve- ment in roll-on and throttle response that creates a seat-of -the-pants improvement that will truly impress anyone whotries it!
This one product will address all issues of fuel injection with equal and effective ease and at a price consumers have come to expect… in other words comparable to jetkits.
Bikernet Caribbean Report
Just got back from Indy, and I have a bunch of news. We got the new AmericanIron Magazine (April issue) with my girlfriend’s bike featured, cool. Forthose of you who don’t know about the Indy dealer show, it’s a showcase ofeverything that has to do with motorcycles. Thousands of exhibitors bringtheir stuff and show what’s new for 2002. Of course, what interests us isthe American Big Twin market, so that’s where we spent most of the time.This year a new all-ABT section was added so we did not have to walkmiles and miles of static-charged carpets to find the good stuff. Also, wenoticed the effects of the sucky economy.
Several companies were no shows, and this usually means there’s financialproblems. Others attended the new Cinci show and skipped this one.There wasn’t as much new stuff as past years, but we managed to capturesome photos of the new products like the S&S 124 cubic inch motor.
Most of the “famous” bike builders were present, although Jesse James was ano show. A bunch of new bike companies were showing their motorcycles. Sadly, most of these won’t last through the year. American Iron Horseunveiled its new chopper. It’s pretty cool and at a good price — about $26,000. Orange County Choppers was there with a bunch of bikes, as wellas Bourget’s and its new models. By the way, it was pretty cool to berecognized as the guy that does the Caribbean Report in Bikernet, so Iguess we are doing something right.
After seeing many, and I mean many, bikes, we liked these two the most. Oneof them is a Jap chopper from Cobra with a Honda engine and a cool orangepaint job, but the other was a super slick old school bobber that CustomChrome had at their booth. This blue bike was only 350 pounds and mostlyhandmade. It was so clean!
We managed to attend some of the parties, but missed others. It’s not easyto walk the show all day and then party all night. I guess I might begetting old, or maybe just need a vacation to charge the batteries….whoknows…
All in all, it’s cool to see old friends and be able to talk to them withoutbeing crowded. It’s also good to be able to see the new parts and bikes before theyare showcased in Daytona.We hope that next year the show will be better and with lots of new stuffand companies, once this fucked up economy gets sorted out.
Well, we are waiting for the Trivia answers, and we will only wait for thisweek. If not, the shirt is going out.We have to get ready for Bike Week and it’s insanity. But that’s a storyfor next week.
See ya guys later
Jose- Bikernet Caribbean report
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February 21, 2002 Part 1
By Bandit |
My days are filled with kids, feeding pets, answering endless e-mails and phone calls, and trying to get Sin away from women and closer to work. Boring shit.
There are a few new and exciting things happening with Bikernet that I?d like to tell you about. One in particular is nudity in the Cantina. That?s right folks, we have naked women in the Cantina Girls lineup, compliments of www.cyberfoxes.biz.
If you?re not already a Cantina member, you may want to join now because soon we?re going to increase the price of subscriptions. The Cantina just hit its one-year anniversary and we underestimated the work it would take to keep it changing and exciting. Normally the Cantina is advertisement-free since it is subscription driven, but soon you?re going to see some banners from Xandria, one of the world?s largest sex toy companies. We?ve become an affiliate so that Sin and Coral can get their sex toys cheaper and, let’s face it, sex sells.
As you can see on the home page, Von Dutch has come on board and we?re glad to be associated with these guys. They?re working hard to keep the Von Dutch legacy alive and their product line is not too shabby either. You should check them out when you have a sec.
Pretty soon we?re gonna have something going with Bad Pig, so keep your eyes peeled for their banner. Speaking of Bad Pig, here?s a shot of our very own Brenda Fox, an ex- Bad Pig hottie in yet another of her stunning photos.
For those of you who follow the site, you may have seen our latest contest with Nick The Dick. Well, we have a winner. T-Bear answered the correct number of times Nick died so he?s the winner of the 2?-inch Eight Ball Risers donated by Aeromach.Congrats T-Bear! Send your address to layla@earthlink.net so I can get these in the mail to you and don?t ask for a Dragonfly shirt either. All you get are risers.
Another thing I?d like to mention is Jose, our Bikernet Caribbean reporter. He pours his heart in to each weekly update he sends us and I for one would like to publicly thank him. It sure makes my job easier when I have to pull all this crap together for the news. THANKS JOSE! You?re the best and I don?t care what JJ said about you.
I know Yoli has a lot to do with keeping you going so I would like to give a big thanks her as well. Hola Yoli!
All-righty then, with all the crap out of the way, let?s get to the news?..
Now in FastDates.com Pit Lane News…
Ducati’s New 2003 MotoGP “Motobambinodici” Grand Prix Roadracer!
Exclusive spy shots of Ducati’s upcoming MotoGP roadracer now revealed in the Pit Lane News section at FastDates.com
http://www.FastDates.com/PitLaneNews.HTM
Plus….
Sports Illustrated Supermodel Rebecca Romijn turns killer biker!
Rebecca becomes Killer Biker Chick on her Ducati Monster! All the gruesome details.
http://www.FastDates.com/PitLaneNews2002.02.2.HTM
A World-Wide Sportbike Calendar Review
Pirelli, Yamaha, Ducati and more! The sexy nude factory sportbike calendars you can’t buy in America. And you thought bikinis were too revealing?
http://www.FastDates.com/PitLaneNews2002.01.2.HTM
The Los Angeles Calendar Motorcycle Show – July 2002
Hot Bike, White Brothers, Performance Machine, and The Recycler present A two day decadent display of chrome, horsepower, live music, big boats, parties, beautiful calendar girls. What more could you want? Full details and Exhibitor Registration information online at…
http://www.FastDates.com/BIKESHOW.HTM
FastDates.com -All the really important motorcycle stuff you want to read and see. Not the fluff the other guys try to feed you. Because life is too short to take anything too seriously.
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