I’m down to a lousy week before my trip and I’m still learning how to use a laptop computer, the iridium phone, the handheld GPS and a goddamn digital camera that I haven’t even picked up yet. I spent two hours on the phone with tech support for the phone yesterday. It’s fuckin’ nuts.
I was working with Nuttboy on the Cantina drama when he pulled a gun on me, told me to get the fuck out and not to bother him for five months. I wrote a couple chapters of the drama. We’ll post one this week and another next. After that, you’re on your own. I’ve got books to finish.
Psycho Mary News
Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary’s heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said, “Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good new is you’re being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you’ve regained your sanity. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he is dead.”
Mary replied, “He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry.”
Another Reason We Need Gun Freedom
A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, “This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill.”
The man takes a look through the scope and starts laughing. “What’s so funny?” asks the clerk.
“I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house,” the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, “Here are two bullets. I’ll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and shoot the guy’s dick off.” The man takes another look through the scope and says,
“You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!”
–from Rogue
Custom Chrome On Wheel Line
We recently received a letter from a reader who wrote: ” I AM LOOKING FOR A REVTECH/WELD RACING BX-30 19″ CHROME FRONT WHEEL FOR A 39MM NARROW GLIDE.
We immediately went to the guys who knew the answers at Custom Chrome and this is their report: The wheel he wants HAS been discontinued for nearly 6 years. The CCI part number is 17-871.
We have none. Don’t know of any dealers who have one either. If he’s gonna be real anal about it— maybe somebody has one— somewhere.
Thing is, as much as he might want this particular wheel, he should get over it, for a number of reasons.
1) There aren’t any. 2) And… the wheel was recalled for a rare leak or two (porosity?) to boot! We literally crushed all the ones we could get back as well as our remaining inventory. 3)To me, it’s kinda like Harley’s recall on seven-spoke mags in the late ’80s. I always wanted one of those things because they were so light (and now rare)… but bottom line, I’m better off without one, since you can break the things. 4)Same thing with the wheel this guy wants. Great look– bad wheel! 5)I’d rather he considered one of the newer Revtech wheels cause those things are beautiful and bulletproof… with that new “split and spin” construction Weld uses. As hackneyed as “new and improved” is— it’s TRUE about the current Revtech wheels.
Tribute To Phil The Painter And to America
I own a 96 Road King and was inspired to fly the American flag after the events of Sept. 11. However, I couldn’t find a flag anywhere and I didn’t want to put a sticker on my bike.
That’s where your site came in. I saw the awesome oil filters painted by Phil Staddens and was inspired. I’m no painter by trade but I did my best and masked the stars and stripes on a Fram filter that cost me $4. I then used spray cans and painted the “Captain America” oil filter you see in the attached picture. The three cans of paint cost more than the filter, but it was worth every penny.
Thanks to you and Stadden, I’m flyin the flag of strength and unity! Be safe and take care on your trip.
–Rascal
From The Blonde Files
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
“I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”
“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.
“Do you have the container it comes in?”
“YES!” said the blonde. “I’ll go home and get it.”
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, “TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.”
EMAP And Motorcycle Cruiser Support Gun Laws
The attached column, “Scum in the Pool,” appeared in the American Rifleman, a publication of the NRA that I get. It appears that Motorcycle Cruiser and EMAP don’t care for guns, or gun owners.
Thought you might find a place for the article.
–Mike
Math Training At Bikernet
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: “Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I’ll be home before midnight. -Your Husband”
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: “Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18- year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don’t wait up honey.”
WORLD TRADE CENTER STRIKES BACK
All of the rubble from New York… all the huge blocks of concrete and steel, the old busted up computers, refrigerators, water heaters, air conditioners, fire trucks, broken glass, etc., should be shoveled into C130s and C5As, flown over Iraq and Afghanistan and dropped from 32,000 feet.
An old Coldspot can do a heck of a lot of damage from 5 miles up! With each assault we can drop pamphlets: “Greetings from the 110th floor of the World Trade Center.” The next day it could be from the 109th floor… then the 108th floor, the 107th, etc., etc.
After 110 days of this, I can’t imagine much left standing on the ground. Can’t you just see the headlines: “WORLD TRADE CENTER STRIKES BACK!” What wonderful irony this would be and think how much money we wouldn’t have to spend on bombs or missiles! …not to mention the 100 million tons diverted from New York and New Jersey landfills…
YO MAMA, OSAMA!
–from Katmandu
Relationship Advice
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s butt and say, ‘Lets do it!’ ….and she’s always sound asleep.
–from Chris T.
I’m late with the Post–But personally, I prefer to stay at home under the covers with a nude woman and play rather than to go out drinking. If I go out, it’s to scoot across town on the touring chopper to see Coral. She likes to call and ask for help with her homework. I can’t resist.
Anything to go for a ride. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving–Bandit
