With each new year comes new opportunity. We’re all one year closer to those much-anticipated statues of limitations. We’re all one year older, which is a feat in itself. The new year is a time to make resolutions, which will lead to greater happiness, longer front forks, bigger jugs and faster rides.
Below are a few new year resolutions which I have specially crafted for self improvement and pass along to all the bros out there who are wasting your lives reading our outlaw drek when you could be riding in the snow like fuckin’ men, you pansy scumbag tailpipe licking swine.
Zebra New Year Resolutions
1) I resolve not to kill more Car People than I can eat.
2) I resolve to be a true gentleman and give Towle’s old lady an orgasm before I have one.
3) I resolve to stop siphoning gas for the Great Northern Steamer out of the West Hollywood Sheriff’s patrol cars.
4) I resolve to uphold resolution 3 until I go on reserve.
5) I resolve to stop shooting inside Bandit’s house unless it’s a true emergency or deer season.
6) I resolve to obey the speed limit while riding in Germany.
7) I resolve to pay for all drinks I order on the third Tuesday of every month.
8) I resolve to stop having sex with One-Eyed Kathy in the head of the Tavern in New Orleans on the Sabbath.
9) I resolve to refrain from doing standing burnouts at the crosswalks in Beverly Hills and spooking the straights.
10) I resolve to return Swedish Lina to the embassy in Miami Beach, as soon as I can find someone who can get the handcuffs unwelded without burning her delicate wrists and ankles.
11) I resolve to part out Digital Gangster’s new chop and use the money to support the less fortunate.
12) I resolve to somehow register the Great Northern Steamer in one of the 50 fuckin’ states before the odometer hits 20,000.
13) I resolve to nail the stunning Spanish Ana in the ass, riding 100, over the Long Beach bridge, at exactly midnight, with her tits painted purple and her nipples gold and a Jack Daniels I.V. in both arms, while she sings the Mexican National Anthem.
To everyone who still isn’t dead, Happy New Year, ya fuckin’ criminals
Special Agent Zebra
Bikernet.com Beverly Hills
Never let ’em catch ya.
