Monster Garage Tool Bike

Walter riding the machine.Y’know, reality T.V. is a kooky business. It’s a relatively new gig and folks are just now startin’ to get ‘er figured out. Now, all of us know that SOME bikers and hot rodders are fucking CRAZY, and the Hollywood types have discovered this in a BIG way. Personally I don’t know what to make of it, but I did an episode of Monster Garage and came away feelin’ like that unknown guy on Star Trek. You know the one. He beams down, but he ain’t beamin’‚ BACK.

I’ve built a couple of bikes and laid out a hundred or so paint jobs, and for the past few years I’ve been locked in mortal combat with God and the Devil. (www.armageddontopfuel.com) So when my wife told me she sent in an application for Monster Garage I thought hmmmmm, more HIGH ADVENTURE. This was all before the show even aired, and we had NO idea what we were getting into.

My wife and I flew down to Long Beach where she met up with friends and lounged by the hotel swimming pool while I was introduced to a hellish project called the Grim Ripper. The crew was made up of a pot smoking Jesus freak, a member of the Sinners MC, A hearse driving artist, a Bobcat employee, and me. Oh and George Barris was on the design team and brought the damn batmobile (HOLY CRAP!). Jesse was busy that week getting some bike ready for Sturgis, but he came around now and then to throw sparks, smile for cameras, and joke around with us. In the end we set the car on fire and became the first ever monster garage failures.

I told them to keep their tools, but through some crazy mix up, they showed up one by one at my door, anyway. So I gave them to my wife, who used the toolbox as a side table, and that was that.

Next thing you know the show airs, and all of the hard work we did must have made nice padding on the cutting room floor, because they made us look like a bunch of first class heels.

Then they called me up and asked me to be on another show.

So I thought about it for a while. Then they told me that my audition video was the best ever and had me send them a copy of it to use on their best of MG show. So I did, and they edited that all screwy. The thing that kept runnin around in my head was, “I like making cool shit, and I like the crew, we had fun, and cars on fire was interesting. But I was sick of them editing the video to make me look bad, what the fuck?”

One good thing about agreeing to take MORE time away from my shop, and spend MORE time being made to look like a fool was that it would give me the chance to return the tools. But the wife had a better idea, “Look, they can’t edit your work. Take those stupid tools, build a chopper out of them, and ride it there.”

That’s right boys, I didn’t marry her for her money.I was trying to run a business, and didn’t have all the time in the world for this project, so I put the word out that we needed parts. Lucky for me, folks thought it was downright diabolical and couldn’t wait to be a part of it. My good friends Walter and Sarah came through in a big way. Sarah donated her Chopper Guys frame and Walter lent me his 80-inch Evo and 4-speed out of his Pat Kennedy project. From there great people donated time and odds and ends. Soon we had enough parts to start the thing.

I gave myself ONE WEEK to build the bike.When I say I built the whole bike, I actually mean I built about 85 percent of it. My friends did the rest. It went down like this: It had to be a true chopper, and to me that means a kick-start, rigid, no front brake, suicide clutch, hand shift freak show. From there I figured it’d be cool to make it look like it launched forward so hard the tank exploded and all the tools came flyin’ out. I even built a special wheel hub out of a ’57 Chevy axle so I could run a 5-spoke E-T. My job was all the design, welding, fabrication and paint plus some of the assembly. The able boys at Lucky’s Choppers in Georgetown did the plumbing and wiring with lots of friends chipping in on everything from parts runs, to bodywork, to detailing. After a quick 3-minute test ride, we loaded ‘er in the van for an 18-hour drive to Long Beach.

I had the time of my life riding the “Economizer” up to that garage, and whether or not it made the point, we all had fun riding it and posing for pictures by it, and all of us monkeys signed it. Second time around we spanked that ol’ hearse BUT GOOD and everybody parted friends. After it was all said and done Walter bought my share of the bike for a nice chunk o’ green and he’s been puttin’ the miles on ‘er ever since. Conder Customs is now relocated to Sonoma, CA. If you have some tools you don’t need, look us up, my wife is still short one end table.

TECH CHARTOWNER: Walter and Sarah McQuillen

CITY: Port Townsend, Washington

GENERAL

YEAR/MAKE: 2003 Everybody loves a theme bike. I bet those tools ‘ill hurt if you crash into that seat. I bet he don’t ride it. CONDER CUSTOM
MODEL: Snap together, no competency needed
ASSEMBLY: Tim Conder, Chris Montes, Walter McQuillen, Speed Merchant, Lucky’s Choppers, and Sean Walker
TIME: 7 days
CHROMING: I wish I had time for ART BRASS to do it.
POLISHING: Walter

ENGINE
YEAR: 2000
BUILDER: Harley
DISPLACEMENT: 80 inches
CAM: H-D
CARB: S&S
IGNITION: Crane
PIPES: Lucky’s Choppers

TRANSMISSION
YEAR/MAKE: Rev-Tech 4-Speed
SHIFTING: wrong way for resale, right way for Walter

PAINTING
PAINTER: Tim Conder
MOLDING: Chris Shimke
COLOR: Straight red toner
TYPE: PPG Single stage
SPECIAL PAINT: Autographed by impressive famous people

FRAME
MAKER: Chopper Guys
TYPE: Der Swedish
OTHER ALTERATIONS: Tim Conder

ACCESSORIES
HANDLEBARS: Drag
RISERS: Choppers Inc.
HANDLEBAR CONTROLS: PM
FENDER: Tools
HEADLIGHT: 4 3/4
TAILLIGHT: Cat-eye
SPEEDO: No
PEGS: Tools
FOOT CONTROLS: Tools
GAS TANK: Tool box/tweaked Sportster
OIL TANK: Tool box/Heartland
AIR CLEANER: Choppers Inc.
SEAT: Tools
MIRRORS: No
GRIPS: PM

FRONT END
TYPE: Wide glide
EXTENSION: 10 over
Builder: CCI

WHEELS

FRONT
SIZE: 21×2.5
Builder: V-Twin
TIRES: Avon
BRAKES: No

BACK
SIZE: 16×7
BUILDER: E-T
TIRES: Avon
BRAKES: ISR

SPECIAL THANKS: Alyssa, Walter and Sarah, Chris, Chris, Lucky‚s Choppers, Scott/Speed Merchant, Sean, Vidal, Dave, Jason, Sam and The Central Tavern Consortium, George Barris and ROCKIN‚ EDDIE MUNSTER.

ThisWalter guy is a close friend of mine, and he puts THOUSANDS of miles a yearon a suicide/jockey shift rigid evo. His wife Sarah rides an old FLH andthey are some of the COOLEST people I know. NOT cooler than ME…..but coolall the same. Make ’em famous, I owe ’em money…….

Tim Conder
The Conderosa

http://www.armageddontopfuel.com

Conder Custom
P.O. Box 565
Boyes Hot Springs, CA
(707) 935-7764
theconderosa@hotmail.com