A panoramic shot of the wait for ships to pass going the opposite way in the Suez, before they let us through. They run 50 ships a day.
We survived through the Gulf of Suez and dropped into the dense Red Sea. By tomorrow night we’ll be passing through a 9-mile-wide channel into the Gulf of Aden off the Coast of Saudi Arabia and into the Indian Ocean on our way to Singapore below the equator.
I spent some time over the last couple days improving my satellite phone communication system and fixing one antenna hookup. It’s crucial that I stay in solid communications with Bikernet or you wouldn’t have to read this bullshit. Let’s get to the news, then I’ll tell you about the other women I found on board and the threat of pirates.
George Christie Released
Flash news bulletin from the Bikernet headquarters. George Christie has been released from jail on $2.5 million bail, and he’s still under house arrest. The club has assigned a well-known political attorney from the Bay Area to take the reins of the case. “It’s going to be a fight,” George said in a conversation I had with him from the Red Sea. If he’s found innocent, there is no way to get the time back they took from him. Maybe financially he can kick their ass. Welcome back, Brother Bandit.
Now we know
I read the following and now life makes sense.
On the first day God created the cow. God said, “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of 60 years.”
The cow said, “That’s a kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. Let me have 20 years and I’ll give back the other 40.”
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of 20 years.”
The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me 10 years and I’ll give back the other 10.”
So God agreed (sigh). On the third day God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a 20-year life span.”
Monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for 20 years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back 10, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?”
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I’ll give you 20 years.”
Man said, “What? Only 20 years? No way man. Tell you what, I’ll take my 20, and the 40 cow gave back, and the 10 dog gave back and the 10 monkey gave back. That makes 80, okay?”
“Okay,” said God. “You’ve got a deal.”
So that is why for the first 20 years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last 10 years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
Chris Tronolone
Social Services in Citrus County, Fla.
Tell me we don’t have a great Social Services Division in Citrus County.
I’M THINKING OF MOVING TO CITRUS COUNTY!!! WHICH WAY IS IT?
Rogue
Confessions of a Catholic Boy—
Tommy Shaughnessy enters the confessional box and says, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.”
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“And who was the woman you were with?”
“I can’t be tellin’ you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Tommy, I’m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O’Malley?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Patricia Kelly?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Liz Shannon?”
“I’m sorry, but I’ll not tell her name.”
“Was it Cathy Morgan?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Fiona McDonald, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration. “You’re a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned, and you must atone.”
He gave Tommy penance and dismissed him.
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
Tommy says “Five good leads.”
Rogue–
Orientation To Heaven
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven.
They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say…… LOOK!!! HE’S MOVING!”
Catts
The Pirate Alert
What I report in these segments is square business, except for one item I mentioned in one of my very first reports. Sure, I paint the picture with my slanted brush, buts it’s more or less fact. In one of my first reports I said something about the drunken captain. I gotta square that away. He’s not a drunk by any definition. In fact, without this guy’s vast intelligence, sense of humor and willingness to constantly help and teach, I wouldn’t have anything to pass on. He’s good people and one of the few crew members who can speak English and is willing to rap with passengers.
So he told me the other day that there’s considerable risk as we leave the Red Sea and enter the Gulf of Aden, which is bordered by Somalia. Pirate ships are noted to be running off the coast. He explained that a pirate recently tried to attack a ship in this gulf. The ship radioed for help and fortunately a flotilla of U.S. ships were in the region. A destroyer happily veered from its course at 35 knots and steamed into the bay to assist.
Fuel vessel lumbering along in the Suez with the desert behind it. Could it be a pirate ship, or one selling souveniers and trinkets while pumping fuel? Probably the latter.
That’s not always the case, though. This captain was off the Ivory Coast when pirates jumped the stern of his ship and took everything that wasn’t tied down. He spotted the thieves and chased their vessel until he would have been forced to run aground to catch them.
Pirates as they exist today are just as bizarre as they were 100 years ago. Running in high-speed boats, they pull alongside ships, throw lines on board then climb the ropes. Some of the vessels search the dark gulf with a line between two fast-moving speedboats. They find an unsuspecting vessel and pull in front of it then shut their motors down. The line is caught by the bow of the ship and pulls the pirate vessels along side so that a captain cannot maneuver his ship away.
Ah, so our captain had drills today and one contained pirate maneuvers. I should shut this off right now, because what I may reveal could assist pirate activities. This ship has one general alarm — six short blasts and a long one. “Any more and the crew gets confused,” the captain explained. “We once had three alarms, a fire alarm, man-overboard and a general alarm. These crews just can’t handle that many.”
Here’s the crew trying to don the fire attire during an engine room fire drill. The ship would be sunk before they got dressed for action.
The alarms are set up so that when it blasts, the crew members are assigned posts. Some of them know what they are supposed to do at this gathering area, but unfortunately they stand around and wait for the officers’ instructions. For several reasons this alarm system is ineffective. In some cases the alarm requires men to run to stations on the main deck, which would make them easy targets for pirates with firearms.
On top of a slow alarm system, the ship has no means of protecting itself from pirates. There are no weapons. When I asked for a saber, the captain just smiled. He is allowed weapons, but doesn’t have any. He instructed his crew to take up fire hoses to knock would-be pirates over the side, but unfortunately the hoses are close-range devises and I would assume that pirates are well armed. On top of that, in order to use a hose, crewmen must stand in plain sight on the deck.
“If they get on board I offer them good whiskey and money to leave us alone,” he said. It’s an odd formula, but I’m a wild-eyed westerner who would prefer to battle with them and kill as many as possible before allowing one of the bastards on the ship. I say we tip a container over onto their craft and sink the sonuvabitch. Am I wrong?
Ah, but the Red Sea is as smooth as a baby’s butt and the temps are rising daily. Tonight after the drills the captain threw a barbecue on the exposed deck behind the bridge. It was 80 degrees in 15 knots of warm wind as we chowed down four decks above the Red Sea. Next stop, Singapore.
Ride forever, Bandit.
