That’s all the sniveling you’ll get out of me. On the other hand, the weather improved immeasurably as we putted through the Med. It was like motoring on a calm lake, although the attentive captain pointed out to me, “While we will be in Genoa, Greece is being hit with major storm.”
Being on a ship is like being the mercury in a thermometer in the cockpit of a jet. We muscle our way from one climate to another. Hamburg and Antwerp were freezing, so we headed west out of the Black Sea. As soon as we did, we headed into the Gulf Stream then turned south and rolled into the summer zone and milder weather. As we turned into the Med the weather calmed even more and the seas flattened, then it cooled slightly, but stayed calm as we headed northeast to Genoa in the Ligurian Sea.
Genoa is not like the previous ports. We didn’t have to take on three fastidious port pilots to dodge bridges and piers up a 40- to 80-mile river. This harbor was built right on the coast in the 11th century and there are few flatlands. Hills opened to winding streets and tall baroque buildings that now house a city of 650,000. It’s predominately a medieval city of weaving narrow streets, vast cathedrals, ornate museums and spectacular galleries. Again, the cabbies know where to find the ships and arrived on the dot. The people don’t speak as much English as the folks of Belgium or Germany. I found that even the dark-haired beauty who spent time with me spoke very good English, but struggled with the words, always attempting to put an A on the end. She spent a year in Baltimore training to speak the language. That must be the problem.
It was a little cool the first day, but we didn’t need scarves or gloves and the sun shone constantly. Oh shit, I forgot to finish my description of the harbor. Better get to the news.
And The Winner Is…
Once a month we pick one lucky person who’s submitted their name and what they want in the Cantina drawing. Here are the winners for December…yes, we’re behind.
Charles G. Williams from Roanoke, Va.
Wanted: Would love to have Bandit T-Shirt, size XXXL………Thanks dude.
Well, Charles is the winner cause he said thanks. I’m gonna give this other guy a T-shirt as well because I like his style and all we have left are the larger sized shirts.
Garland Freymann from Bremerton, Wash.
Wanted: Any T-shirt size XXX, leather pouchs or a blow job from a good-looking bitch.
Congratulations guys!
Sin
Dearest Bandito Bastard….
Although it’s not done yet, I thought I’d give our Sunday Post subscribers a preview of the monster machine I’ll be takin’ your ass to task with the next time we meet at a Long Beach stop light.
Finished the ignition wiring this morning – just need to do the timing so we can finish the next tech article in the Bikernet Garage.
Been doing some work with Richard over at Joker Machine. Have some sweet one-off custom covers for the belt drive and air cleaner on the way to bring trick factor to maximum. Should be here in a few weeks.
Hope everyone enjoyed the weekend – Mondays suck…….
-Digital
Computer vs. Cars
At a recent computer exposition, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry to the auto industry and stated that:
“If General Motors had kept up with technology like the computer industry had, we would all be driving $25,000 automobiles that got 1,000 mpg.”
In response to Bill’s comments, GM issued a release and stated that:
“If General Motors had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you’d have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would then have to pull over to the side of the road, close all windows shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.
4. Occasionally executing a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall an engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable and was five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would run on only 5 percent of the roads.
6. The airbag system would ask “are you sure?” before deploying.
7. Occasionally, your car would lock you out and would refuse to let you back in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
8. Every time GM introduced a new car, buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would work like they did in the old car.
9. You’d press the START button to turn the car off.
And here’s hoping YOU have a great day!
A Little Extra Effort
This is a laugh for all those women out there who so look forward to that wonderful time once a year when they get to be “intimate” with their OB/GYN doctor!
In Sydney, Australia, one of the radio stations pays $1,000 to $5,000 for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. This one netted the winner $5,000….
I was due later in the week for an appointment with the gynecologist. Early one morning I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 a.m. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in “that area” to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” but didn’t respond. When the appointment was over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal…some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc.
After school when my 6-year-old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mum, where’s my washcloth?” I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it.”
I wonder how many people were in this situation…???
This New York guy left home for work on Sept. 11 at about 6 a.m. to go to his office in the World Trade Center. When he got to Manhattan, he went to his girlfriend’s apartment in the Village, turned his cell phone off and thought of spending some good time with her.
At about 10 a.m., while still at her place, he turned his cell phone back on, and a second later it rang. He answered, and it was his wife who screamed at him, “Where are you? I’ve been trying to call you for an hour. I’ve been worried sick about you!”
So he answered, “Where do you think I am? I’m in my office!”
What $20 Bucks Will Get Ya?
Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looks over and says to the old lady, “I know just what you want, and for $5 I’ll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair.”
The old lady is surprised, but doesn’t say a word. The old man continues, “For $10 I’ll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I’ll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you’ve ever had in your life.” The old lady still says nothing, but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
“So you want the nice romantic evening in my room,” says the old man.
“Hell no!” replies the old lady. “I want it four times in the rocking chair.”
P.S. My kind of women
Huzzy One
Biker Kama Sutra
Two bikers are in the bar talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, “I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.” “I don’t think I have ever heard of that one,” says the other biker. “What is it?” “Well,” the first biker replied, “it’s where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and you mount her from behind, and then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands. You whisper in her ear, ‘These feel just like your sister’s’ and then you try to hold on for eight seconds!”
A man appears before the Pearly Gates.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asks.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offers. “Once I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, ” Leave her alone now or you’ll answer to me!”
St. Peter was impressed. “When did this happen?”
The man answered……”A couple of minutes ago.”
Hey, It’s Sunday, Take A Break
The port in Genoa is much more picturesque. It has a breakwater that runs across the front of the harbor and inlets to afford the ships entry. Cruise ships are moored very close to the brightly lit town. Since we’re a scurvy lot, they put us on a decrepit dock as far west of town as they could stuff us. The port and related businesses are the underpinnings of Genoa. Since the 1100s shipping has been the mainstay of the region. Just like all the other ports we’ve visited, the industrial portion of the harbor, especially where we sat and rocked back and forth as cranes shifted cargo to get the Genoa stash aboard, was a dump. The roads were a mess, with potholes the size of manhole covers. Containers were stacked everywhere. Old cement buildings sat abandoned between docks with the windows busted out and the exterior metal cranes and hardware bent and rusting.
Columbus was born in Genoa and we went past a house he lived in, but he wasn’t home. I only had two days to chase women and on the second, my time was running out as the sun set on the starboard side of the ship. Dierk, the cargo supervisor, searched the area for the remaining items to load. It’s a riot watching these guys in action. The departure times change as fast your girl’s sex drive. She’s hot to trot one minute and slowed to a stop the next. I had to check with him every four hours for an update.
Finally, at about 7 last night, we pulled away from the dock and headed out to sea. The chief officer still didn’t know what was on board. He had a stack of invoices and manifests that he couldn’t make sense out of if he had an accounting license. He’s still waiting for a report from the abrupt port agent.
We’re heading to a narrow strait between Sicily and the Italian Peninsula after passing an erupting volcano called Stromboli. Right now we’re passing the islands of Corsica (French controlled) and Sardinia (Italian island) on the starboard and the peninsula on the port. In a couple of days we’ll be entering the Suez Canal. I sure hope the captain picked up a case of Marlboroughs or we’ll be in deep shit again.
That’s it for the news. I’m kicking off chapter 20 of Chance’s second dice-rolling book based on this world-wide run. Each port gives me new ideas and a fresh set for the next chapter. I’m up to 17 of the original Chance series, which is being published in HORSE- the chopper rag, and I’ll get caught up with No. 2 before we throw lines over the side in Singapore.
Ride Forever, Bandit.
