Hey,
I wish I knew what the hell I was doing today. I’m headed for hip-replacement surgery. But in a sense it’s a blessing to have a week in a hospital. I’ll get to finish my next book, Chance II.
I’ve written several books, and this might be my last. They haven’t been wildly successful, although I always enjoyed the process, albeit hard fucking work. I’m going to work on making this one the best. You just never know.
Let’s hit the news, then I’ll expand.
QUICK, OPEN THE BIKERNET BAD JOKE LIBRARY— Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. John the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day John revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King’s chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause John readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s bra while she bathed. Soon after, she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of John would work as the antidote to cure the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned John to their chambers. Horatio then slipped John the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, John worked passionately on the Queen’s large and magnificent breasts. The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and John left satisfied and hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, John found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, John couldn’t have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underwear. The King immediately summoned John.
The moral of the story………… Pay your bills.
–from Rogue and Jerry
THE MASTER ON HARMONY—
I would rather be a flower, spreading sweet air and giving people fragrance.
I would rather be a bridge, linking everyone’s transit and giving people convenience.
I would rather be a tree, protecting thousands of pedestrians and giving cool freshness.
I would rather be a pond, nourishing travelers’ minds and quenching people’s thirst.
I would rather be a lamp, illuminating the road in the darkness and giving people brightness.
–The Venerable Master Hsing Yun
AMERICAN IRON TEASER– New cover, Yoshi’s 1972 Harley-Davidson XLC bobber custom…a gray Panhead from Yoshi upcoming in Cycle Source, too. I think Yoshi owes me another t-shirt.
–Markus Cuff
Supreme Bikernet Feature Photographer for Bikernet and American Iron
NEWS FROM CHOPPERTOWN — Our buddies at Dickies found a box of messenger bags in a warehouse and turned them into Choppertown bags! We put them at a crazy price for you this week and when they’re gone, they’re gone forever.
We also put a bunch of different bundles in the Weekly Special section so you can get DVDs in time for the holidays.
This week we’re continuing our series of great holiday bundles to save you a couple bucks on the best movies in our library. We got the Two Wheel Terrors download bundle and the Choppahead download bundles on sale this week so you can enjoy those great series.
REMEMBER: We’ve reinstated our “Build Your Own Bundle” plan so you can save every time you order. Choose ANY three DVDs or downloads (even discounted ones!) and you save 10%, any four save 15%, and any five take 20% off. Now you can stock up on DVDs for Xmas.
Two Wheel Terrors Bundle (4 movies)
“Enjoyed all 4. I like how you give time to each of the bikes & their builders.” ~Bryan M. verified buyer
–Zack and Scott
www.choppertown
BIKERNET COVERS SAIGON HOG RALLY— Art Hall attended the Long Beach Ultimate Builder Show last weekend and by this weekend he was riding on the warm streets of Saigon with the HOG group from the region. Amazing.
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–Bandit
TECH OF THE WEEK— How to improve Wi-Fi at home. Plant it high: The antennas on a wireless router “work something line an umbrella: The higher you put them, the more coverage you get below.” Locate it on the second floor if possible.
Play with the antennas: Many people ignore the router’s visible antennas, but “they’re not there just to look impressive.” Tune the antennas like you would a carburetor, a little bit at a time.
Turn off other gadgets: Baby monitors, Bluetooth devices, cordless phones, and even an operating microwave oven can disrupt Wi-Fi signals. “Finish popping the Orville Redenbacher before you turn on the Netflix.”
–Consumer Reports and The Week Magazine
Do have another design specially for Street Glides?
–Roderick
Email: rodvik@gmail.com
kuching, Sarawak, Malaysia
We will investigate and get back to you. Have you reached out to the manufacturer?–Wrench
Dream Racer… FREE PREVIEW!–
Dream Racer has just returned from a 48-hour movies marathon of the best motorcycle films held at Deus Ex Machina in Milan. After a quick stop at a 3-day Motorcycle Show, Dream Racer is on its way to Australia to a fully booked out 400-seat cinema as part of the Real Film Festival.
The Dakar Rally Countdown has now begun! A race dubbed insanity on wheels…10,000 kms (6,200 miles) race over 14 days across the harshest deserts on the planet. The toughest motorsport in the world.
Get an inside view of what it takes to compete in this insane race with multi-award winning Dakar Feature Film, DREAM RACER.
Watch the first 30′ of the full feature film absolutely FREE. Get Ready…this is not for Mr. Everyday!
Rare 1955 Porsche 550 Spyder to star at RM Sotheby’s Paris sale during Retromobile week–
Wonderful Porsche 550 Spyder, shown at the 1955 Frankfurt Motor Show, takes the spotlight at RM Sotheby’s Paris sale
Desirable 1955 Mercedes-Benz 300 SL Gullwing also joins auction highlights
RM Sotheby’s returns to Paris on 3 February, 2016, for its third annual sale during the Retromobile week.
Frequently updated list of entries available at www.rmsothebys.com
THIS JUST IN FROM THE AUSTRALIAN BIKERNET BAD JOKE LIBRARY– The moist finger…
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
I thought to myself; “I really need a new fucking boat!!”
–from Ray Russell
WILDEST BAGGER OF THE YEAR— The Ness Family does it again. Cory entered a bagger in the Long Beach Ultimate Builder show and it took the grand FREE STYLE prize.
It’s a double engine or four cylinder Evo-styled V-twin. He designed the fairing and the front wheel design would stop anyone in the streets. The bike was a knockout and we will try to bring you more on this monster on Bikernet Baggers.
[page break]
UNCLE MONKEY ON BEING PATIENT– As I waited patiently to pay for my breakfast the cashier, manager and two waitresses struggled to figure out another customer’s bill that was entered wrong overcharging significantly. It wasn’t a big deal.
We are all human and mistakes will be made and this one was quickly being sorted out. As I stood there another man walked up to the counter beside me to pay his bill. He was clearly pissed off when the cashier took my bill and rung me through right away. It didn’t matter that I was at the front of a line of one.
My total wait time was less than 45 seconds before they sorted it out and came to me. He had just walked up but he was offended that he had to wait; offended that he couldn’t cut the line. It was then that I had an epiphany. Somewhere along the line we men forgot how to be a gentleman. It may seem trivial to many of you but that’s the problem.
My father was considerably younger than his siblings so as a result my cousins were older than my dad and aunts and uncles even that much older. As such I grow up around a much older generation than the baby boomers.
Often considered the greatest generation they had fought two world wars, grew up when phone calls were handled by an operator in the middle of the line, you had to go to the theater to find out the latest news and world events.
They grew up when the war, polio, TB would wipe out large swaths out of small communities. They were reserved and polite to a fault. They opened doors for the women, took the time to teach a lesson to someone younger whether it was ringing up a sale or throwing a knuckle ball.
They wore suits to watch the ball game instead of just on Sundays. Even the ones from back in the sticks had a good suit, knew that they had to clean up when something important came along whether the President was coming to town or just a dance in a barn on the outside of town. They were gentleman.
It meant that if you gave someone your word they could bank on it. It worked because those gentlemen were the population. The scammers and low-lifes were the exception to the rule and not the norm. When our tractor broke down in the middle of harvest the dealership opened late on a Sunday so we could get another one.
A simple hand shake cemented a deal that they would look at the old one, fix it if they could, sell us the new one if they had too. The call to the bank was greeted just as well. “Just come on by when harvest is done and we will see what we can do?”
My dad could trust the salesman to give a good deal, he could trust that my dad would come back to pay, the bank manager knew he could trust both to do the same. A gentleman’s agreement between gentlemen.
A large part of that mentality, that being a gentleman was lost on the baby boomers or they just forgot it. I know because every day I see them push to front of lines trampling over the last of the greatest. It has gotten worse with each generation.
My son’s friends give him a hard time because he opens the car door for his girlfriend, something that he has learnt from me from opening the car door for my wife every time for the last 24 years.
They mock him when he adds sir or madam when talking to customers older than him. He dresses the best that he can, thinks a night of drinking is one or two drinks of top shelf liquor instead of drinking into oblivion on the cheap stuff.
You see the thing is being a gentleman has a trickledown effect if you treat women like a gentleman they will behave better; together they will raise children who aren’t dickwads. A young fellow ask Hugh Heifer how he is so successful getting all those “bitches”. Mr. Heifer’s response was a simple gentleman’s answer of that he doesn’t call the young women he is with “bitches”.
I can hear many of you now, “but I’m a hard ass. I ain’t a whammy pammy momma’s boy.” You can still be the bad ass and still be a gentleman. Think of the many examples from movies – all the James Bonds, Jason Statham from Transporter and pretty much every other movie he has been in, Charles Bonson, Clint Eastwood.
They carry a weight, a presence to themselves because they are first and foremost gentlemen. Their adversaries lack that gentleman quality. It’s why we root for the good guy, why we boo the bad guy. Jack Nicholson’s character will always say that he’s a prick, but in a nice way, a gentlemanly way.
-bad Uncle Monkey
DRIVER’S LICENSE ALERT— A Massachusetts woman won the right to wear a spaghetti strainer on her head in her driver’s license photo. Lindsay Miller, a member of the satirical church of Flying Spaghetti Monster, argued that she had a first amendment right to wear the colander. “I do hope this decision encourages my fellow Pastafarian Atheists to express themselves,” Miller said.
–from the Week Magazine
BLONDE JOKE DEPARTMENT OF THE BIKERNET BAD JOKE LIBRARY NOW OPEN– SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her driver’s license.
She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together! Just yesterday they took my licence away and now today you expect me to show it to you?”
–from Robert Tronolone
THE CONTROVERSIAL LAW OF THE WEEK— The Obama Administration has proposed banning smoking in public housing, a measure that would affect more than 940,000 households nationwide.
Advocates of the proposal say banning tobacco in the apartments and indoor common areas of the country’s public housing system will improve the health of 1.3 million young and elderly residents, and save $153 million a year in health care and fire-related costs.
—The Week magazine
I love this shit. They’ll stop us from doing anything harmful, or risky, then the last 20 years of our lives will be spent sitting idle in assisted living prisons, which will cost an absolute fortune. Oh boy, I can’t wait. On the other hand I sorta agree with drug-testing welfare recipients. Hell, guys get tested at work. –Bandit
BIKERNET UNIVERSITY PHILOSOPHY CLASS–
I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job: a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit and his ancient one ton truck refused to start.
While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands.
When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His face was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave his wife a kiss. Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.
“Oh, that’s my trouble tree,” he replied. I know I can’t help having troubles on the job, but one thing’s for sure; those troubles don’t belong in the house with my wife and the children. So, I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again.”
“Funny thing is,” he smiled,” when I come out in the morning to pick ‘em up, there aren’t nearly as many as I remember hanging up the night before.
–Professor Ming
ONE FINAL BAD JOKE LIBRARY ITEM– Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men.
That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and
said, ‘You are the woman of my life. I love you.’
Then we made love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, ‘What’s for dinner, Batman?’
–from Jerry and Rogue
BACK TO THE CREATIVE PROCESS— I’m unbelievably fortunate to do all the crazy shit I’ve done. And I haven’t stopped. What is it about some of us who can never give up, never stop.
I’m still seriously moved whenever I run into a soul who has read and comments positively about one of my books. Folks in motorcycle rights often comment about Sam “Chopper Orwell.” I have two goals for 2016. I want to create a Bronze sculpture for a Hamster Charity event. And I would like to finish my motorcycle screenplay.
Plus, on a daily basis we do our damnest to improve Bikernet and the Cantina. Hang on! Next week I may have the wildest true story you ever read. Plus, we are working on a couple of features and a story about a high school buddy, car and bike builder. It never stops.
Ride Free Forever,
–Bandit
