With Bikernet?s recent forays into the world of Hollywood motion pictures, a lot of our gentle readers have been asking how the glamour and glitz and big money of show business have affected the staff at Bikernet. Below are some of the most frequently asked questions and answers, intended to put or readers at ease and let them know that Bikernet still the same, friendly bunch of early-release hooligans it?s always been and that Hollywood has in no way affected us or our operation.
Dr. Special Agent Zebra, Ph.D.,
Senior Gynecologist
Bikernet.com
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READERS ASK:
Dear Dr. Zebra,
Is it true that Bandit is snorting rare black rhino horn in order to improve his sexual output and satisfy all the pre-legal teens whom now flock to his estate in the prestigious neighborhood of San Pedro?
Signed,
Big Hole Layla, Tennessee
ZEBRA RESPONDS:
Dear Ms. Big Hole,
That was a rumor started by a local tabloid. Bandit?s use of ground black rhino horn is prescribed by a medical professional and is purely for medicinal purposes to control his sagging hemorrhoids. The radical improvement in his sexual prowess is purely a coincidental side effect, and the video which Bikernet will be putting out later this year documenting his staggering feats of sexual glory is for educational purposes only and all proceeds will be going to charity.
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READERS ASK:
Dear Sirs,
Credit Management Inc. has been notified of your outstanding debt to Empire Limousine of Beverly Hills. Per your failure to return your rental limousine on January 1, 2000, and per credible accounts that you have in fact destroyed said limousine and made an illegal and possibly felonious attempt to turn it into an operational motorcycle, you are hereby ordered to pay an amount of $78,928.38, to replace the lost property of Empire Limousine. Additionally, we have informed the proper credit bureaus of your delinquency on this account.
If you desire to rectify this grave issue prior to our taking legal action on behalf of Empire Limousine, we urge you to call our offices at your earliest convenience or mail payment in the form of a money order to our address listed.
Very truly yours,
J. Martin
Collections Supervisor
ZEBRA RESPONDS:
Dear J(ackoff?) Martin,
While Bikernet makes it a policy never to respond to solicitors, in your case we will make an exception. Thank you for your interest in our website. Unfortunately we would never have a use for a limousine, as we are bikers and car people are the loathed spawn of the bowels of Hell. Unless of course said limousine was converted in some fashion into a motorcycle at which point we would be very interested. Nonetheless, your asking price of $78,928.38 is ludicrously high and were we to entertain riding in a stretch motorcycle with a hot tub in back, which we very well might, we would most assuredly shop for a better price, say free.
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READERS ASK:
Dear Dr. Zebra,
I read that Digital Gangster is a coke whore and takes it up the ass from the Chinaman in order to secure product. Is that true?
Wondering in Montana,
Big Joe Titshot
ZEBRA RESPONDS:
Dear Mr. Titshot,
Yes, in part, this rumor is true. We are not sure which article you read and the coverage of this event was impressive to say the least. But, you may not be aware of all the details.
In reality, what happened was this. Digital Gangster, in an effort to save several young and impressionable school children from what appeared to be an entry into the dark and fiendish world of illicit drugs, snorted all the coke off the hood of a 1969 Lowrider in Pasadena recently, in order to prevent a dealer from being able to get the kids to ?try the shit? and ?get hooked?. It was during this heroic and selfless act, that the Chinaman happened to be riding past, saw Digital Gangster, head down, plowing through a full powdered key like a fuckin? South Dakota snowblower, misread the situation and in an effort to save Digital Gangster from what appeared to be a poor decision which would have lead him down the highway to hell, (and clearly under the peer pressures of the nearby youngsters who were chanting, ?Go! Go! Go!?), the Chinaman rammed his Weird Bros. forks directly up Digital Gangster?s ass. Of course there is also the rumor that the Chinaman performed this act of misdirected rescue to secure the cocaine for himself, but I think we can all dismiss this as simple yellow journalism.
Myself and Jon Towle were summoned by Bikernet Air Ambulance to the scene where we performed an emergency procedure known as an Acute Front Fork Removal, whereby the front forks were taken from Digital?s buttocks, the wound was closed with a pop rivet gun and Digital Gangster was flown to Bikernet World Headquarters where he is recovering nicely and is expected to be riding again as soon as we can get him to stop trying to chew through his handcuffs.
