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A Little Boy’s Valentine’s Day Card
Couldn’t pass up the opportunity to pass this one along……Too damnfunny! Have a great day.
Little David comes home from first grade andtells his father that they learned about thehistory of Valentine’s Day.”Since Valentine’s day is for a Christian saintand we’re Jewish,” he asks, “will God get mad atme for giving someone a valentine?”
David’s father thinks a bit, then says, “No, Idon’t think God would get mad.
Who do you want to give a valentine to?”
“Osama bin Laden,” David says.
“Why Osama bin Laden?” his father asks in shock.
“Well,” David says, “I thought that if a littleAmerican Jewish boy could have enough love togive Osama a valentine, he might start to thinkthat maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start lovingpeople a little bit.And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines toOsama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d startgoing all over the place to tell everyone how muchhe loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.”
His father’s heart swells and he looks at hisboy with newfound pride.”David, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve everheard.”
“I know,” David says, “and once that gets him out inthe open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him.”
Pearly Gates
After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the PearlyGates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. “How dare you attack thenation I helped conceive!” yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in theface.
Patrick Henry comes up from behind. “You wanted to end Americans’ liberty,so they gave you death!” Whereupon, Henry punches Osama in the nose.
James Madison comes up next, and says “This is why I allowed the federalgovernment to provide for the common defense!” He drops a large weight onOsama’s kneecap.
Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, JamesMonroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America.
As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him backtoward the gate where he is to be judged.
As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams”This is not what I was promised!”
An angel replies: “We told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you,
idiot. What did you think we said?”
Food for thought…………
I sat in a movie theater watching”Schindler’s List” and asked myself,”Why didn’t the Jews fight back?”Now I know why.
I sat in a movie theater watching “Pearl Harbor”and asked myself, “Why weren’t we prepared?”Now I know why.
Civilized people cannot fathom, much less predict,the actions of evil people. On Sept. 11, dozens of capable airplanepassengers allowed themselves to be overpowered by a handful of poorly armedterroristsbecause they did not comprehend the depth of hatred that motivatedtheir captors.
On Sept. 11, thousands of innocent people were murderedbecause toomany Americans naively reject the reality that some nations arededicated tothe dominance of others.
Many political pundits, pacifists and media personnel want us to forgetthe carnage. They say we must focus on the bravery of the rescuers and ignorethe cowardice of the killers. They implore us to understand themotivationofthe perpetrators. Major television stations have announced they will assistthe healing process by not replaying devastating footage of the planescrashing into the Twin Towers.
I will not be manipulated.
I will not pretend to understand.
I will not forget.
I will not forget the liberal mediathat abused freedom of the press to kick our country when it wasvulnerable and hurting.
I will not forget that CBS anchor Dan Rather preceded President Bush’saddress to the nation with the snide remark, “No matter how you feelabouthim,he is still our president.”
I will not forget that ABC TV anchor Peter Jennings questionedPresident Bush’s motives for not returning immediately to Washington, D.C.,and commented, “We’re all pretty skeptical and cynical aboutWashington.”
And I will not forget that ABC’s Mark Halperin warned that if reportersweren’t informed of every little detail of this war, they aren’t”likely -nor should they be expected – to show deference.”
I will not underestimate the intelligence of our adversary whopatiently planned and meticulously orchestrated a devastating act ofwar.
I will not forget that the terrorists desire a world society wherewomen are chattel and freedom is forbidden.
I will not isolate myself from my fellow Americans by pretending anattack on the USS Cole in Yemen was not an attack on the United Statesof America.
I will not forget the Clinton administration equipped Islamicterrorists and their supporters with the world’s most sophisticatedtelecommunications equipment and encryption technology, thereby compromisingAmerica’s ability to trace terrorist radio,cell phone, land lines, faxes and modem communications.
I will not be appeased with pointless, quick retaliatory strikes likethose perfected by the previous administration.
I will not be comforted by “feel-good, do nothing” regulationslike thesilly “Have your bags been under your control?” question at the airport.
I will not be influenced by so-called,”antiwar demonstrators” who exploit the right of expression tochantanti-American obscenities.
I will not forget the moral victory handed the North Vietnamese byAmerican war protesters who reviled and spat upon the returningsoldiers,airmen, sailors and Marines.
I will not be softened by the wishful thinking of pacifists whochosereassurance over reality.
I will embrace the wise words ofPrime Minister Tony Blair,who told the Labor Party conference,”They have no moral inhibition on the slaughterof the innocent. If they could have murdered not 7,000 but 70,000, doesanyone doubt they would have done so and rejoiced in it? There is nocompromise possible with such people, no meeting of minds, no point ofunderstanding with such terror. Just a choice: defeat it or be defeated byit. And defeat it we must!”
I will force myself to:
-hear the weeping
-feel the helplessness
-imagine the terror
-sense the panic
-smell the burning flesh
-experience the loss
-remember the hatred
I sat in a movie theater, watching in quiet reverence as the bloodofyoung soldiers turned the sands of Normandybeach red in “Private Ryan” and asked myself,”Where did they find the courage?”
Now I know.
We have no choice.
Living without liberty is not living.
**********
Author unknown
BIKERNET OFFICE MEMO
Dear Bandit:
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individualsthroughout the company have been using foul language during thecourse of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easilyoffended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. Wedo, however, realize the critical importance of being able toaccurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of “TRY SAYING” new phrases has been provided sothat proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in aneffective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
Here goes:
TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You’ve got to be shitting me!
TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a shit.
TRY SAYING:
I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It’s not my fucking problem.
TRY SAYING:
I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This shit won’t work.
TRY SAYING:
I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING:
He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He’s got his head up his ass.
TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat shit and die.
TRY SAYING:
So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my ass.
TRY SAYING:
I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
Fuck it, I’m on salary.
TRY SAYING:
I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your ass.
TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.
TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING:
He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He’s a prick.
TRY SAYING:
She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She’s a ball-busting bitch.
TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.
Thank You,
Human Resources
Bill Clinton?s Run
Every morning, Bill Clinton jogged near hishome in New York state.
And on each run, he happened to jog past a hookerstanding on the same street corner, day after day.Apprehensive, he braced himself as he approachedher for what was most certainly about to follow.
“Fifty dollars!” she would shout from the curb.
“No. Five dollars!” fired back Clinton.
This ritual between the ex-prez and the hookercontinued for several days. He’d run by. She’d holler”Fifty dollars.” He’d yell back, “Five dollars!”
One day, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompanyher husband on his jog. As the jogging couple nearedthe now infamous street corner, Bill suddenly realizedthe “pro” would bark her $50 offer for all to hear(including Hillary) and he would have to come up witha very good explanation for his wife, the juniorsenator.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them pasther, Bill became overcome with anxiety on how tohandle the situation.
Sure enough, there she was, standing where she alwaysdid. Bill tried to evade the streetwalker’s eyes asshe looked up at the jogging executives.
Then from the sidewalk, she yelled to Bill: “See whatyou get for five bucks?”
Be Careful What You Wear
Be careful what you wear (or don’t wear), when working under yourvehicle…especially in public. From the Sydney Morning Herald in Australiacomes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart,only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the carthere in the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under thechassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turnedprivate parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quicklyput her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place.
On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staringat her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.
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