Having spent considerable time with bikers of all nationalities, races, species, phylums, breeds and mutations, I have been privy to some of the most interesting displays of personal hygiene deficiencies known to man- and just about every other animal on the planet, past or present. This phenomena is due to the unidirectional flow of wind while motoring along the highways and byways. Simply put, it’s very difficult, if not impossible to detect one’s own odiferous nature while riding. This said, it seems necessary to give our bros a few telltale signs to look for, which I’ve used myself, to determine when a quick tumble through a local sewer might be needed to freshen up bit for the ladies. These signs are as follows:
1) Everyone comments on your new leather pants, and you’re not wearing leather pants.
2) Fish and Game puts your beard on its endangered species list.
3) Every time you get blasted and pass out, your bros bury you.
4) Your old lady offers to wash your bike, providing you’re on it.
5) Your bros offer to wash your old lady, provided you’re on her.
6) You fart and everyone complements your new cologne.
7) Buzzards circle your booth at the swap meets and everybody pays your asking price without haggling.
8) The French chicks will no longer ride with you.
9) You find yourself commenting on how clean and fresh the head is at the clubhouse.
10) You go for more than 24 hours without being pulled over.
11) You keep finding those little cardboard, pine scented trees hanging on your handlebars.
12) Regardless of how many guys you fight, you always win.
13) You drop your soap in the pen and the other cons quickly hand you theirs.
14) No matter how fast and recklessly you ride, your bros ride faster.
15) You’re getting ready to have sex with your best bro’s old lady and she fakes an orgasm the minute you take off your boots.
16) Children cry at the crosswalks.
17) Your bros keep taking off your apehangers and putting on drag bars.
Special Agent Zebra, MD
