One of the hardest things during the holidays is knowing what to get that special outlaw who has everything. To help our loyal readers (you should get a job) avoid the cliche’ gifts like fruitcake and pipe bombs, I’ve compiled a list of wonderful gifts that will delight the heart of even the most heartless two-wheeled criminal scumball.
Happy Holidays (unless you’re a Car Person, then may you burn in eternal Hell)
Special Agent Zebra
1) Jack Daniels, pint size for the youngsters, fifth for the tea toddlers and the gallon magnum for the true afficianado of fine stump brewed paint removers.
2) Bullets. Here’s something no outlaw can have enough of. Drop a few hints, find out what size they wear and remember, you can always exchange them for your own caliber if your outlaw doesn’t live until Christmas day.
3) Bail Bondsman coupons. These are a lovely gift to find under the chopper on Christmas. They say I care about you and I want to see you set free. We recommend at least $1,000, as bails aren’t getting any fucking lower these days what with the commie pinko bastards in Washington and their phony 3-strike bullcrap.
4) Chromed lugnuts on a string. Drape multiple sizes around the Christmas chopper. They look lovely and you can never have enough chromed lugnuts, especially the hardtail riders.
5) Road maps. Sure, he’ll pretend like he doesn’t need one, but then why does it take him three weeks to go to Daytona, when you live in Daytona?
6) Teeth. Teeth aren’t all that easy to find, but if you look around, you can locate them in the dumpsters behind dentist offices. You can even find used teeth scattered around the floors of local club bars and pool halls. Teeth are something we all need from time to time, they’re easy to carry in a front shirt pocket and they look great.
7) Two-ended bottle opener. We all know how aggravating it is when we’re so damned liquored up we can’t remember which end of the bottle opener opens the bottle. A two-ended bottle opener assures hours of carefree drinking and those colorful motorcycle endos you so often see when a bro hits a curb at 80.
8) Toes. Bandit, this one’s for you. We all know someone who’s ripped off a piggy in an open primary or just sweeping a sweeper a bit low. Or, like in Bandit’s case, simply slamming into a bridge embankement at 90 miles an hour with his club brothers and shearing it off on concrete.
9) A Coffin. For that special someone whom you’re thinking of getting the magnum bottle of Jack for, or someone whom you’d just like to see deadern’ hell, a coffin will insure the sonofabitch doesn’t come looking for his scoot. Oops. Was that out loud?
10) Coffee cake. Christmas just wouldn’t be the same without coffee cake. Just be sure that the blade you cook inside is tempered steel and designed for cutting metal or it won’t get through the bars on the window.
