So often I see a Car Person cut a biker off in traffic and after the biker beats the Car Person to death with a wrench, the bro drives away, leaving a perfectly good kill to go to waste.
Now, I’m not one to advocate sparing Car People for any reason, in fact, I support random killing of them without motivation of any kind, but I do hate to see one go to waste.
Below are several recipes which I have developed over the years that you can use to make delicious main courses and even a few deserts with the next Car Person whose head you crush against the curb.
Car Person K-bobs
Grill the dead Car Person over an open flame. When the skin is a golden brown, ram a hunting knife into the chest to test to see if the Car Person is done. Resist multiple stab wounds, though stabbing even a dead Car Person in the chest feels terrific, it allows the meat to cool too quickly and could lead to dry steaks.
After the Car Person is done, salt lightly and ram a seven foot pole through the car person, starting from the ass and exiting the top of the skull. You may need several bros to do this. Unless the dumb motherfucker caused you to lay down your scoot or something severe, at which point you’ll probably have the adrenaline required to ram the pole up his ass yourself.
Serve with Jack Daniels and a light salad. One fat assed Car Person should serve about eleven hungry bikers.
Car Person Ice Cream
A personal favorite. Whirl the Car Person into a thick froth in a high powered cement mixer. After the Car Person is compeltely pulverized, mix in one gallon of cream, a quart of butter, one pound of salt and two pounds of chocolate. I like to add a touch of molasses as well, to add character, but this is up to you.
Serve in bowls with butterscotch or chocolate syrup for you chocoholics. Sprinkle strawberries on top or blueberries, whatever your heart desires. One Car person should make about twenty gallons of ice cream.
Car Person Ala Carte
For all you non-French speaking bros, Ala Carte means, “off the cart.” Slow roast the Car Person for four hours in a utility oven, we use a brick kiln at Bikernet. Baste with butter and sauces at hours two and three. Shove a 9/16″ wrench up the Car Person’s ass. When it pops out, the Car Person is done.
After cooking the Car Person, cut it into pieces using a Homelight chainsaw and serve heaped with garnish and olives. Your guests can take pieces as they please. Makes a great dish for watching bowl games or bar fights.
Be sure and cover leftovers and refrigerate after the games.
Happy dining.
Special Agent Zebra
