Just before Bandit was strapped into a wheelchair, the brain surgeon took our morale officer, Dr. Ladd Terry, aside. “If, for any reason, Bandit has severe headaches or acts wacky, take him immediately to an ER!” The look on his face was so stern that the Vietnam veteran asked if he could carry a k-bar blade on the plane. His palms sweaty, Terry pushed the rusting wheelchair aboard the plane and requested that Bandit be handcuffed to his seat.
Upon arrival, the good doctor kept smiling. But he pulled Layla, Sin Wu and Coral aside and warned them of the possibilities. Bandit seemed OK, except for the violent redfreak stare in his eyes. Little did the doctor know what would happen if Bandit was handcuffed to the bed that night with the three women in the headquarters…
Determining the actual definition of “wacky” has been increasingly difficult. For instance, Bandit is suggesting that we develop a T-shirt using the above art… Sin Wu sat on the dining room table spread eagle and demanded that Bandit eat her for lunch. When he requested food, she threatened to take him to emergency. We better read the news carefully because some of the items were submitted by Bandit:
Just think what I could do with a digital camera that takes up to 30-second movies with sound! Most Pro runs last about 30 seconds from burnout to finish if everything’s going right. Even a 10-second burnout or wheelie would be very cool. I sent this one into freedom film already.
–Helen
Bikernet Drag Racing Correspondent
Enter To Win Custom
Roaming Roosters of roamingroosters.com is offering a custom-built motorcycle sweepstakes packet for $30. You can win a bike, $500 cash or $100 cash. The packet includes a free motorcycle sweepstakes T-shirt, an entry form for the drawing and info about Roaming Roosters Inc. Check it out.
Bandit’s New Project Bike
How about I ride this with a full-faced helmet to Sturgis next year? Imagine the girls I could pick up. Hell, my mother might actually approve of one of my bikes at last.–Bandit
Sunday Post Discovers Pentagon Retirement Plan
The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered them an early retirement bonus. They promised that any general who retired early would receive his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general’s body. The general would get to select any pair of points he wished. The first man, an Army general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. The measurement was 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.
The second man, an Air Force general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. The measurement was 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man “From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles.” The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted, and the pension expert said that this would be fine but that he’d better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop ’em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general’s penis and began to work back. “My God!” he said. “Where are your testicles?” The general replied, “In Vietnam.”
Rally Worth Checking
Cherokee Choppers Fall Bike Rally and Swap Meet Sept. 7-9, 1335 Wolf Town Road, Cherokee, N.C. Live bands–Twist of Fate, Smokey Mountain Express and more. Appearances by The LaFons Top Fuel and Junior Drag Race Team. Games at 4 p.m. Sat., bike show at noon Sat., with judging at 3 p.m. For details and vendor registration, call Bob Parker, (828) 497-2779 (or 9274). Entry is $10 per person all weekend. Gates open at 10 a.m.
Flamed Pipes In Action
This new set of pipes was covered in the Thursday Bikernet News, but we had to test a set for ourselves. Here’s that flame pipe on my Panhead last night.
–Teddy Bear
Vehicle Deer Repeller–
This contraption, which mounts inside the front grill, generates an animal-repelling frequency 725 feet in front of the vehicle. On/off/auto switch can be set to activate at 30 or 50 mph. Includes mounting bracket and hardware; weather resistant. $29.99.
–from Earl for Bandit
Motorcycles Are Dangerous
Just heard from Tabasco Bob that a local Bandido who has been getting lots of shirts and banners through us got hit on his bike by an old lady coming out of my local Safeway on 38th Street. He dislocated his shoulder and hurt his neck, but his “Tabasco” bike was totaled. She tried to say she didn’t see him (she was turning one way and looking another) and then said he was speeding. The cop asked her how she knew he was speeding if she didn’t see him. He said he was going slow due to the new gravel and he didn’t want to wreck his new paint. She’ll be maiming someone else next week.
Just heard about an ABATE member on a trike who died yesterday after a drunk sideswiped him.
Heard about a couple who owns a bike shop getting hit on the way back from Sturgis.
This Sunday we almost witnessed a sideswiping hit and run while waiting for our dinner on Hood Canal. Kid didn’t have a license or insurance.
Michael T. just got out of the hospital with five broken ribs from ass-ending a car that was definitely at fault.
I hope all you guys heal completely. It seems there’s a lot of suffering going on.
On a lighter note: Tabasco wanted to know if that “great hug” he gave me last week out on the sidewalk (for the benefit of the punks across the street) had worked. I told him yes, it had. And another biker had come in a half hour later with his “finger” cap on too while they were still around. I believe it had some effect.
Sorry to sound so negative. It just seems there’s a rash of shit happening around me.
–Helen
Where did he put his finger?–Bandit
Rodeo Position Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One says, “I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.”
“I don’t think I have ever heard of that one,” says the other cowboy. “What is it?”
“Well, it’s when you get your mate down on all fours and you mount her from behind. You then reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and then you whisper in her ear, ‘Boy, these feel just like your sister’s,’ and then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.”
HORSE/Back Street Choppers
The HORSE is making good progress on its road to rehabilitation, capturing in print enough fine chops and sassy commentary to rekindle the flames of how you think you remembered it used to be back in ‘those days.’
–John Siebenthaler, creative services
Sunday Post Out
If we get any more art like this for T-shirts, Bandit may be put away for some time, if we can find him. Seems every time he comes up with something the girls don’t like, they handcuff him to a bed or the wheelchair and drag him away or close the bedroom door for hours.
–Renegade
