I returned to the Headquarters on Wednesday only to find the paper work stacked to the ceiling. The truly crucial forms had been burned in the Bikernet top security incinerator. The rats running wild in the basement reminded me far too much of the corroded stench of holds on the ship, something had to be done. I called Renegade, Snake, Wilburn Roach, and Wrench together to a closed door, top echelon meeting in the garage. We all sat on milk crates and passed cold beers around. The sniveling level was immediate and intense, something like a Jenny Craig meeting of fat chicks in a Krispy Kremes donut house.
Renegade pissed and moan in his usual the dire, the end is near for the old school guys, demeanor. Even Wrench complained about the constant sexual escapades, and the number of slinky women roaming in and out of the headquarters at all hours of the night. You would have thought that there was some level of commercial vice syndicate immersed in the usually staid surroundings of Bikernet. Snake just went through one beer after another while nodding fervently. The poor bastard couldn’t afford to pay a woman for a hand shake. Wilburn Roach, our antique bike guru had nothing to say. For some reason in his aged condition, he paid no attention to women and was more turned on by a rare gas headlight.
I had accusations up to my ears and was about to crush a beer can against my wrinkled forehead in despair when the garage door opened and in walked Sin Wu with a plate stacked high with piping hot soft chocolate chip cookies. She was wearing a ruffled pink apron, a pair of six inch spiked heels that were candy apple red and nothing else. The angry fervor in the garage melted like the chocolate in the cookies and all attention turned to Sins delicious half Asian form. I was stunned my self as she bent over revealing that cleavage I had missed so much as she offered me the first cookie.
Snake popped the top on another beer and said, “Ya know Jon Towle can’t wait for you to get started on his Sportster project.” “Yeah,” Wrench said staring at Sin’s bare ass, “Nuttboy has been in the garage checking the Rev Tech power plant everyday since it arrived. When can we get started?”
They were as calm as kittens in front of a warm hearth. I just shook my head and pulled at my graying goatee. We better get to the news:
New Cantina Girls Set To Rock The Babes of The Cantina
Sin Wu recently cut another deal with Moose from Hardtail Babes.com and we are springing 71 new images of some of the hottest girls in Pennsylvania into the Babes department—- Hang on.
Jon Towle’s Ironhead Sportster Project sees light of day—
We mentioned that some time in the distant future we might, if the little bastard straightened up, build the infamous Jon Towle a Iron Head Sporster, the only Harley the short fuck will ride. The moment we mentioned it, OldDawg contacted us with a garage sale deal. He was cleaning his garage of the chassis pieces he had collected to kick off a Sportster project of his own, including a Pauchco rigid frame. We cut a deal, set the parts in the corner of the garage and kept looking for a drive line. OldDawg informed us last week that a basked case 1978 Ironhead had been air freighted to the Los Angeles Airport this week. We’ll report on progress as we move ahead.
Teaching The Code—
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?”
The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your brother if he’d sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”
So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?”
The mother replied, “Of course I would! I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity like that.”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
The girl replied, “Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!”
The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?”
“Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million could buy?”
The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?” The boy replied, “Yes, sir. Potentially, we’re sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we’re living with two sluts and a fag.”
–From R.B.
New Drama Set To Be Launched This Week—
A new Episode is due to be launched this week and more are in line to sizzle the tits off new tires as Bandit’s Cantina unfolds. The Digital Gangster has been on vacation and as usual, everything went all to hell.
Digital Gangster’s Rigid Revealed–
Yes, just days before the Bikernet computer geek left the state of Washington and took his wife and 17 kids to a little-known abandoned silver mine in the hills outside of Tombstone, he fired it to life. His plan was shattered when he returned to town and the family found him before he could pack and leave.
Just before he left he warmed the beast and packed it with provisions. I suspect that it was destined to become his breakout vessel for when he returned to the constantly drizzling state of Washington. As we all know the suicide rate for Washington inhabitants is almost as high as all of Canada. The imprisoning effects of over a 150 inches of rain annually would drive any man to extreme measures for freedom. Can you imagine the effects on a biker? Good god.
Even An Attorney Can Learn
Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who could solve the problem.
“The good news is I can cure your headaches. …The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he realized he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need – a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.” The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see – size 44 long.” Joe laughed, “That’s right. How did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” was the reply. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?” Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see – 34 sleeve and 16 and 1/2 neck.” Joe was surprised, “That’s right. How did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” he replied again. Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?” Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure.” The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see – 9-1/2 E.” Joe was astonished, “That’s right. How did you know?” “Been in the business 60 years!” Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?” Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure.” The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see -size 36.” Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head, “You can’t wear a size 34. …. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.
–from Chris Wright
The Finale
I’m not going to judge whether is was pure unbridled jealously or high priced poontang that had the men of Bikernet in an uproar. As far as I’m concerned, as long as the coffers weren?t’ dry and there was still gas in the motorcycles, life couldn’t be all bad.
Actually the women were still here when I got home and we have enough parts to start on a new motorcycle projects. Life is good and the brotherhood strong. Thanks for sticking around while I circled the world. Let’s go for a ride.
–Bandit
