Being a well-known expert on the art of motorcycling, I frequently receive requests for tips, pointers and general advice from our bros out there across America and the world. In an effort to spread the wisdom, I have selected some of the most common questions and the solutions to these everyday situations, so that all our bros out there can get the most out of their motorcycling experience.
Dear Special Agent Zebra,
How do I get a woman?s head unstuck from between the rear tire and the fender of a ?57 Knucklehead dresser? We?ve tried everything, pulling on the head, grease, even a crowbar and hammer.
Baffled in Minnesota
Dear Baffled,
Who says you need to get it unstuck? I?d leave it. Is the woman still connected to it? If so, you have a lively conversation piece, not to mention a loyal riding partner. But, if you must remove the “head”, try applying the front brake, opening the throttle and dumping the clutch several times quickly, in rapid succession. This “powerjacking” has always done the trick for me. If you still don?t unstick the “head”, let about half the air out of the tire and ride at high speeds for several miles, being mindful to ride extra aggressively through the curves. If you still don?t get the “head” unstuck, try removing the fender (I know, it?s a pain in the ass). One of these remedies should get you past this common problem so often associated with the ?57 dressers.
Undercover,
Special Agent Zebra
Dear Special Agent Zebra,
What does it mean when, every time I ride past the local police, they shoot at me?
Ducking in Florida,
Dear Duck King,
This is a common problem that many bikers have come to me with over the years. Chances are there is a “warrant” out for your arrest. You may even be “wanted dead or alive”. What these fancy terms mean is, the police are jealous of your fancy bike and they?re having trouble expressing themselves. Remember, not everyone has the kind of good conflict resolution skills that all bikers are blessed with at birth. Try filling a glass bottle of your favorite softdrink with gasoline. Stuff a rag into it, leaving plenty of tail. Then light the rag on fire, drive by the local police, give a hearty wave and a cheerful, “Hello, boys! Drinks are on me!” and lob the burning bottle of gasoline in their general direction. Be sure to have a good amount of speed built up before releasing the bottle as there will be a considerable flare up. Your point will be well taken and your rearview mirrors should give you quite a story for the next round of beers at the local clubhouse. Best of luck.
Undercover,
Special Agent Zebra
Dear Special Agent Zebra,
Recently a good bro of mine asked me what time it was. I got so angry that I beat him to death with a nearby engine block. Now I?m lonely and have nobody to ride with. What can I do?
Bored in Bama
Dear Bama,
You?ve made a classic error. If I had a nickel for every time I sent a bro down the road for asking that very question, I?d be a richer man than I already am. I can?t bring back your dead bro, but I can help you avoid the same problem in the future. The first thing you?re going to need is a common bathroom scale. Weigh yourself. Make sure you aren?t on your motorcycle when you do this, as it will greatly affect the reading your scale gives you. Write the number down on the wall with your knife. Then weigh the amount of crystal meth you?re doing on a daily basis. If the weight of your daily intake of crank is greater than your own body weight, you have found your problem. If your daily intake of crank is actually lower than your body weight, you should be riding a fuckin? bicycle, your friend was simply an asshole and should have kept his miserable stinkin? mouth shut and he got what he deserved! Now stop writing to me or you?re next, motherfucker!
Undercover,
Special Agent Zebra
