It’s the Sunday before Memorial Day. There’s a reclusive code in LA: Stay off the freeways on holidays. It’s wild, half of the 13 million population of LA county are on the road all weekend and the other half is loading up at Home Depot for a 3-day barbecue. A quart of Tequila is as hard to find as a buck gallon gas.
The new Bikernet headquarters is a flurry of projects from diamond plate heads to lit stairways to heaven. I hauled tools in every direction and worked to almost 10:00 p.m. yesterday. Then she said, “You wanna go to a titty bar?” There’s no planning around here. Just run at it as fast as you can.
We took the Shrunken FXR to Joker last week. They’re checking our mid controls notion. Chris Hill’s wrecked Road Glide is in pieces, waiting for parts and paint. The King is calling to me, “Let’s ride, asshole.” And finally the evil Run For Breath Best Of Show Gargoyle is coming to life on the welding bench. Oh, an I’m supposed to hit a window installation seminar at Home Depot this afternoon. Better finish the goddamn news:
OCC Investigation Continues
BBC News obtained secret documents from the Discovery Channel which reveal the British actors? names, and acquired scripts for future episodes of “American Chopper.”
“The scripts we read tell us that the program will turn violent,” said Horston, the BBC News reporter. “At the end of this season, Paul Sr. has shit-fit? when Paul Jr. shows up, once again, late for work and can’t finish a motorcycle that’s being built with an Aqua Man? theme. The script calls for Paul Sr. to take a huge manifold pipe and hit Paul Jr. right in the side of the head and to repeatedly beat Mikey with a motorcycle chain for being a fat, lazy bastard.”
According to the documents, the role of Paul Jr. is portrayed by Clive Collins, which is an extraordinary feat considering the fact that Collins is black. Tony Flackery, who spent the last 10 years in the “British Touring Shakespeare Company”puts on a fat suit to play the role of Mikey.
“If you watch the show closely, you can pick up some clues,” said Horston. There was an episode two weeks ago where Paul Sr. is ordering special paint for a motorcycle. The camera focuses on the piece of paper and you can see Paul Sr. writing the words red colour. “Spelling it c-o-l-o-u-r completely gave it away.”
The disclosure about “American Chopper” has already cast a shadow of suspicion over the popular British reality program, “U.K. Hot Rods,” which focuses on a London father and his two sons who run a shop that customizes racing cars. The Daily Mirror is preparing to report tomorrow that the British family is actually portrayed by three American actors. No other details have been released.
Meanwhile, the Discovery Channel is expected to hold a news conference next week to answer the allegations made public in the BBC News report. Coincidentally, this is not the first time Discovery has faced a major scandal. Back in June of 1996, an ABC 20/20 report revealed that all of its animal nature programs were actually shot on the Universal Studios backlot. “It was an eye-opening report,” said ABC’s John Stossel. “For instance, our undercover investigation back then revealed that the Discovery Channel would toss a gazelle inside a fenced area that looked like the African Serengeti. Then they would release a ferocious lion that had been starved for days. The poor gazelle didn’t have a shot. That’s how the Discovery Channel got all those great close-up shots of the lion devouring the gazelle. I said it back then, and I’ll say it now; give me a break!”
TRIPS TO THE BIKERNET EMERGENCY ROOM
FEMALE SOFA—– A 500lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.
PRICKLY PAIR—–OUCH ! In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had “…a rat in her privates…” and it bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn I don’t think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
PING PONG ANYONE?—– A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel (as you do)?!!. The concrete then hardened (no s%^t!), causing constipation and pain. Under general anesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man’s rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball. (Boy we live sheltered lives – thank goodness)
BLIND DRUNK—– A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.
OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH!—– A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man (Classy or what??). While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man’s penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
And you thought YOU were having a bad day!!!!
–from Bob T.
Mikuni American launches “Explicit Performance”
Mikuni American, manufacturer of the industry leading Mikuni HSR 42/45/48 Performance Carburetors for the American V-Twin market and a sponsor of the popular Iron & Lace Custom Motorcycle & Pinup Model Calendar, has kicked off an exciting and sexy new advertsing campaign in 2004. The advertising campaign is being produced by Gianatsis Design Associates, Mikuni’s advertsing agency and publisher of the popular Iron & Lace Calendar. Mikun’si Vice President of Marketing, Lee Chapin explains the radical new advertising approach for the otherwise conservative Japanese fuel induction manufacturer,” “We felt it was time for a fresh new approach towards marketing the HSR carb, one that was completely new to the industry and hadn’t been done before. Because of our name recognition in the motorcycle industry we felt an image ad featuring just a photograph with minimal text was the way to go. Together with our advertising agency Gianatsis Design we discussed numerous images concepts.
Brand Model and Talent Agency in Santa Fe Springs, CA, refered photographer Jim Gianatsis to a new model named Andra Cobb. Andra was booked, sight unseen, and proved to be one of the most beautiful, and the nicest models Jim Gianatsis has ever worked with.
The Bikernet Veterinarian Clinic
My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. He found out that the problem was hair in its ears so he Cleaned both of its ears out and the dog could hear fine.
The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some “Nair” hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.” The lady says, “I’m not using it under my arms.”
The druggist says, “Oh. Well, if you’re using it on your legs, don’t shave for a couple of days.”
The lady says “I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my schnauzer.”
The druggist says, “Stay off your bicycle for a week.”
–from S&C
SCREAMIN? EAGLE TEAM PREPARES FOR SPRINGFIELD DOUBLE-HEADER
MILWAUKEE (May 28, 2004) – The Screamin? Eagle Performance Parts Racing team is preparing for one of the toughest weekends on the 2004 schedule as the AMA Progressive Insurance Flat Track Championship series rolls into the Illinois State Fairgrounds for a dirt-track double-header on May 29-30.
Screamin? Eagle rider Rich King is set to contest a tight TT course on Saturday night before heading onto the famous Springfield Mile on Sunday afternoon. In 2003 King rode a Harley-Davidson XR750 to a pair of race wins on the Springfield Mile, one of the fastest flat-track ovals on the AMA Grand National circuit. The TT course, which is laid out in the adjacent rodeo arena, presents a very different challenge.
In recent years the Springfield TT has been won by production-based motocross motorcycles set up especially for the event. The Screamin? Eagle team will counter with the Harley-Davidson XR550, a purpose-built racing motorcycle powered by a Blast-based single-cylinder engine that features a broad powerband ideal for dirt-track racing and the agility to handle the tighter turns and jumps of the TT course. For the Springfield Mile, King will be back aboard his mighty Harley-Davidson XR750 V-Twin, one of the most successful racing motorcycles in the history of the sport.
?Harley-Davidson has a long, proud history in flat-track racing,? said Screamin? Eagle Racing Manager Anne Paluso. ?Competing at a historic venue like Springfield will bring out the best in this team. Rich has demonstrated he is a master of that mile, and he?ll give the TT everything he?s got on Saturday.?
The Screamin? Eagle team had a frustrating day on May 22, when the AMA Progressive Insurance Flat Track Championship series made its first stop at the high-banked Florence Speedway half-mile near Union, Ky. King narrowly missed the main after finishing fourth in a heat race and third in a semi-final. Defending AMA Grand National Champion Chris Carr rode his Quality Checked Pre-Owned Ford/Lancaster Harley-Davidson XR750 to victory in the 25-lap main, his third straight win this season.
GRAFFITI Bobber From Cyril Huze
Here a Bobber that nobody expected me to build–Except me & my client Paul Gren, from Orlando. When I immigrated in the US in ’86, I lived in NYC. The city had a big impact on me. Here’d the proof. The bike draws a crowd, and it’s not illegal to spray can your own bike with graffiti.
–Cyril Huze
We’ll feature this bike next week. Watch for it.–Bandit
New Pledge Of Allegiance Authorized
Since the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord’s Prayer are not allowed in most public schools anymore because the word “God” is mentioned…. a kid in Arizona wrote the attached NEW School Prayer. I liked it….
Now I sit me down in school
Where praying is against the rule
For this great nation under God
Finds mention of Him very odd.
If Scripture now the class recites,
It violates the Bill of Rights.
And anytime my head I bow
Becomes a Federal matter now.
Our hair can be purple, orange or green,
That’s no offense; it’s a freedom scene.
The law is specific, the law is precise.
Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.
For praying in a public hall
Might offend someone with no faith at all.
In silence alone we must meditate,
God’s name is prohibited by the state.
We’re allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,
And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.
They’ve outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.
To quote the Good Book makes me liable.
We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,
And the ‘unwed daddy,’ our Senior King.
It’s “inappropriate” to teach right from wrong,
We’re taught that such “judgments” do not belong.
We can get our condoms and birth controls,
Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.
But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,
No word of God must reach this crowd.
It’s scary here I must confess,
When chaos reigns the schools a mess.
So, Lord, this silent plea I make:
Should I be shot; My soul please take!
Amen
–from Bob T.
The above is an interesting prespective; however, the other day I walked past a building that sported the slogan that the ultimate terrorist weapon was religion… Perhaps the pledge should read “On Nation Under The Code Of The West”?–Bandit
A Cantina Religious Moment
One Sunday morning an old biker entered a church just before services were to begin. He wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged. In his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.
The church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city. It was the largest and most beautiful church the old biker had ever seen. The people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and accessories.
As the biker took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his appearance and did not attempt to hide it.
The preacher gave a long sermon about Hellfire and brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money the church needed to do God’s work.
As the old biker was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked him to do him a favor. “Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship here.”
The old biker assured the preacher he would.
The next Sunday, he showed back up for the services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat. Once again he was completely shunned and ignored.
The preacher approached the man and said, “I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our church.”
“I did,” replied the biker.
“If you spoke to God, what did he tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?” asked the preacher.
“Well, sir, God told me that He didn’ t have a clue what I should wear. He says He’s never been in this church before.”
–from Rev CarlR
Sturgis Zone Web Site Could you please take a quick look at http://sturgiszone.com/ I think it would be an interesting link for your visitors. Undercover snoops explores the strange and bizarre at the Sturgis Rally, with thousands of photos.
thanks,
Charlie Hind
charlie@sturgiszone.com
Rigid Report Coming From Florida I have attached a story and some images(2 e-mails) of my trip to Florida. The lovely redhead Robin is my first love and the person that has been in my life the longest (not the way I wanted but what the Hell) outside of family.
I wish I could relate the bridge experience better, but I am still a writing novice. But that day ROCKED!
Bike night tomorrow – wheels still not back on the bike, but I believe Ms. Nicci will be joining me anyway. Watch for my report to hit Bikernet in the next couple of day.
–RFR
LET’S CUT A DUSTY TRAIL–It’s a holiday Sunday, enought of this bullshit. let’s ride, chase women and have some fun. Next week will be wild, hang on.
We’ll post techs, events, fiction and a girl or two, if I can find someone who with a warm heart, who is bubbling over with passion. Ah, there’s nothing like the life we lead. Couldn’t be much better.
Happy Memorial Day, brothers. Freedom is a constant fight.
Ride Forever,
–Bandit
