We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our little space and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, SHIT is inevitable. For those who hate SHITTING at a public restroom, the following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at a public restroom. Memorize these definitions and SHITTING will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE. – Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing SHIT in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden laughter similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen your missing the humor. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, complain that the air is burning your eyes. Everyone likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes everyone feel uneasy. Especially in an elevator.
JAILBREAK – (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE) Definition: When forcing turd, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall and speak so as every one will hear and groan and say ” Farrrr Fuckennnn Oooout the paint’s in jeopardy today.
COURTESY FLUSH – Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the turd hits the water and the turd is whisked away to the refried bean factory down stairs. This reduces the amount of air time the turd has to make your eyes water. This can never help you with pride doing the WALK OF GLORY.
WALK OF GLORY – Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very gratifying moment especially when someone walks in after you (Be sure to smile). As with all farts, it is best to breath deep through the nose because to you the smell does not exist. Should not be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET DUMPER – (OCD) Definition: A colleague who shits at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Shitter enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Shitter before entering the bathroom.
THE SHITING FRIENDS NETWORK (SFN) – Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency shitting goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of the Out Of The Closet Shitter and identify SAFE HAVENS.’ Or better still send the new unsuspecting office clerk in to deliver crapper paper and have his nose hair curled.
SAFE HAVENS – Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of an OCD of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR – Definition: A dumper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, inform the Turd Burglar he’s “in for some paint removing odor.” This way you will be assured of eye contact as you exit.
CAMO-COUGH – Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that they are about to have the eyes burned right out of their head. This can be used to drop a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.
ASTAIRE – Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used by fudge packers for permission to suck your dick. Hit the divider of the stall you are occupying so hard with the heel of your fist that the fudge packer leaves in shame. This will remove all doubt that your stall is occupied by a Ladies Man . If you hear an ASTAIRE leaving the bathroom tell him in a firm voice to “skip the fuck out of here the ladies room is next door.”
WATERMELON – Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also a proud moment. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, be sure to say “Hay!!! Listen Up. ”
HAVANA OMELET – Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Groan loudly and say “far fuckin’ out” Remember this is usually a good time to perform the Water Works…
UNCLE BRUCY – Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Brucy is probably a toe taper and makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as always you should speak up and tell the toe taper to “skip the fuck out of here, the ladies room is next door.”
THE WATER WORKS – Defination: You have had a rather unusual smelly dump. Just before exiting and doing the Walk Of Glory sit there for a few minutes with out blinking until your eyes start watering. then take the walk of glory be sure to make eye contact with whoever is at the sinks and say “the stall is free now.”
