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 My life is usually peaceful. I tweak on the bikes at Bikernet, tweak on my own, drink a little beer and watch television. Ever since Bandit broke up with his last wife, I decided to avoid the pitfalls of life and stick to myself. This particular day at the Bikernet headquarters was a perfect example of why my selfish decision was justified. Bandit volunteered to install the new Holly carburetor from Screamin’ Eagle on Brenda Fox’s new Deuce. Ms. Fox works at Bartels’ Harley-Davidson in Marina del Rey when she’s not modeling or performing promotional miracles for various companies. I’ve seen Bandit ride with her and there aren’t many people who care to keep up with the big bastard, but Brenda does. Anyway, she’s determined to make this sucker into the sleek chopper she’s always wanted. For those who think only rich cats can afford new H-D’s well, check this: She shares an apartment, pays a lot of doctor bills, has a junk car and is just a working chick in a dealership. This bike is her baby, her life. Sure, she scored a deal, but she’s still a workin’ chick who managed to afford a new scoot. Now, back to my example of how downright distracting, disturbing and tumultuous Bandit’s life can be. It was slightly overcast in the San Pedro Harbor when Markus Cuff, the photog, rolled in to take these shots. Still early, this long-legged blond storms the gate looking for Bandit. She’s in her early 20s and dressed to kill. She latched on to the boss and pulled him toward the house. We had three operations to handle on Brenda’s bike in a day, plus take notes for each tech and photograph each process. We needed to move. Marcus was fashioning an all-white miniature studio in the corner of our leaning garage so he could document each product. I began to loosen the Softail shocks, then was told to leave them alone. I got a cup of coffee and kicked back while Marcus shot each product. First there were lower shocks, then the Rip Saw Samson Exhaust system, then the Holly carburetor kit. Before kickin’ off the tear-down, Markus, the scrawny film master dressed in all black, set up his lights and took a before-shot of the bone stock Deuce. The sun was cresting high noon when Bandit stormed into the garage. “Is it done yet?” he asked sarcastically. “We’re burnin’ daylight.” Finally, the shots were taken and we went to work removing the shocks and replacing the exhaust system. But with each delicate task, another woman arrived and drug Bandit into the Bikernet headquarters. There was one striking, dark-haired girl who seemed to glide along the pavement. She was of medium height and didn’t have gigantic boobs, but she had a sense of poise about her which drew my attention and distracted the big guy. I finished with the shocks and was dismantling the exhaust system when Bandit returned. “Snap it up, damnit,” he said. “Fuck off,” I returned and finished taking off the heavy stock system. He was with me throughout the exhaust install, then just as we were about to tear into the stock carburetor, Brenda arrived. She’s a bundle of energy, seemingly bounding off the walls. She was on her way to Palm Springs Bike Week when she jammed into the headquarters to lasso Bandit for what I don’t know, and he disappeared again. When he returned, the CV carburetor had been removed along with the stock manifold. We carefully set these components aside and not in the shit can. We would need some of them before the operation was over. The factory instructions call for removing the negative lead to the battery. In this case, it’s not a big deal, but still advisable. Here’s the disassembly deal: Remove the stock air cleaner, carburetor and intake manifold. See Photo 1. Remove the stock choke assembly from the stock carb (you’ll need it) and set it aside. See
 Take the MAP sensor off the original manifold and attach it to the new one. Install new intake seals to the intake manifold. Connect the vacuum hose to the fitting on the manifold and the electrical connector to the MAP sensor, if present.
 Install the intake manifold to the heads, but just finger tight. We quickly discovered that a shortened allen wrench would be beneficial to the operation. So we cut one down for use on the left side of the bike. The other side was best handled with a long allen with a ball end and a small box end wrench for leverage.
 Disassemble the stock enrichener cable assembly. Remove the enrichener valve, spring, plastic nut, 90 degree elbow, hex nut and star washer from the cable.
 Pick up the new cable from the kit and install the star washer and hex nut just removed from the existing assembly (I already had this stuff on the new cable). Install the rubber boot over the straight steel cable guide. Install the original plastic nut and spring along with the new enrichener valve. This is a simple operation, but be careful not to mix up the parts. The rubber elbow seems strange, but when you have the new cable guide in place it will straighten out the boot. It all slips into place. Slip and screw in the new cable assembly into the back of the carb body. Install the new gasket. There are two gaskets; match up the one you need and slip the carb into place with the three allen bolts. Don’t tighten them past snug at this point because ultimately the carb will come back off. Use a long allen wrench.
 Now comes this convoluted plumbing and hardware system. It’s simple once you get the hang of it, so here’s the score: Place a large ID washer over each banjo bolt and slip it through the holes in the mounting bracket, then place a second large ID washer over each banjo blot to seal the plumbing. Place the breather manifold over the banjo bolts with the hose fitting on the manifold toward the rear of the bike. Place the remaining two washers over the breather bolts. On Twin Cam engines, the last washers will have small IDs. While holding the assembly together, insert the banjo bolts into the tapped holes in the cylinder heads. Tighten each bolt a little at a time until the assembly is loosely held in place.
 Take a step back from the carb and marvel at your accomplishment, and wonder if you couldn’t just eliminate all that crap. You can’t, so keep moving. Find the 90-degree nipple hose fitting and screw into the backside of the air cleaner backing plate. Be careful not to over tighten. The hose fitting should be pointing toward the back of the motorcycle after installation. If it’s loose when you get to that position or too tight to make another revolution, take it out and wrap it with Teflon tape. Install the backing plate gasket to the front of the carburetor using three studs. Align the backing plate to the bracket by installing the two flat head screws to the mounting bracket. Again, don’t tighten that sucker. You are actually aligning the entire assembly before tightening it all down. Ultimately, the carb body will have to be removed to allow you to tighten the intake manifold.
 Finger tighten the banjo bolts (installed into the heads) to align the carburetor back plate and intake manifold. Making sure everything is aligned, tighten the left side of the intake manifold bolts to secure the manifold in position. Now the dress rehearsal is over. Remove the backing plate, mounting bracket, manifold breather tube and carburetor assembly, then tighten the right-side intake manifold bolts.
 There is one more operation before bolting the sucker entirely back together. It may sound easy, but this was the toughest part for me. You have to route and connect the throttle cables to the carburetor throttle wheel. The trick is to make sure you have the right cable going to the correct side of the wheel. Remember the push/pull system, so operate the throttle on the handlebars to determine whether you are working with the proper cable. You will need to loosen the adjustment under the throttle housing on the bars for some slack. I had a hard time routing the pull cable end into the wheel. You need to open the butterfly to make this happen. The push cable fits easily. Find the cable bracket and insert the cables. Then roll the pointed end of the bracket onto the top of the carb body and into place. Install the bracket onto the carb body and torque the allen screw to 3-5 foot pounds. Now smear grease on either side of the carb gasket for a secure seal. Install the carb with the three allen bolts and tighten to 10-12 ft-lbs. Readjust the throttle cables to factory specs. I may have caused the pull cable to bind under the tank, so be careful that the cables don’t catch. Check the throttle to make sure it’s operating properly. Look down the throat and make sure the carb butterflies are opening and closing, not sticking or binding. Install the fuel line. You may want to take the protective sleeve off the old line and use it on the new one. Secure each end with a 3/8-inch hose clamp. On either side of the carb body is a mid-range adjustment screw. Turn it in until it bottoms and back it out slowly two turns. It should be adjusted to go. Loctite the banjo bolts and put them into place with the manifold breather tube, bracket and bolt assembly to the cylinder heads. Reinstall the carb-to-backing plate gasket and backing plate to carburetor and mounting bracket using two flat-head screws and three 1/4 studs. Tighten all five fasteners 3-5 ft-lbs. You don’t need to seal this gasket with grease or any adhesive. Tighten the manifold breather tube banjo bolts to 10-12 ft-lbs. Attach the short end of the manifold breather hose to the 90-degree fitting on the backside of the backing plate and secure with 3/8-inch hose clamp. Cut the long end of the manifold breather hose to correct length, connect it to the manifold breather and secure with clamp. Install the air filter to the backing plate and secure with three Button-head screws. Tighten to 3-5 ft. lbs. Apply Loctite (blue) to the threads of the cover screw removed from the original air cleaner and install cover using screw and washer.
 Secure the choke knob, tighten and adjust to factory specs.
 We cleaned the bike and made sure the pipes were free of fingerprints. Then we fired her to life. The fleet center guys told us that we could see gains of 60 to 72 horses and 70 to 82 pounds of torque. We called Walter from Bartels’, who watches out for Brenda. Bandit asked him to check over the installation and remove the EPA canister, which was no longer needed, to clean up the plumbing on the bike.
 The bike seemed to run fine out of the gate. If you do have a problem, the idle mixture screws on the sides of the metering block can be adjusted. The correct adjustment should fall between half and three turns out from bottom. If it doesn’t perform well there, you may need a new slow jet. The main metering jets can also be swapped from the standard #58 to #62 to richen the mixture. So that’s the story. It wasn’t until we were taking the final shot that Bandit returned to the garage. He seemed drawn and tired, his hair a mess. Brenda slapped him on his ass and dashed out the gate. He looked over the bike and nodded a quiet approval, then pulled a pewter flask from his back pocket and downed a healthy swig. He sat hard on the shop stool and took a deep breath. “Helluva day men,” he said. “Nice work. I’m buying tacos and tequila for dinner.” Just then, a tall Oriental bombshell in short shorts stepped into the garage. Her plump tits tried to escape her top as she tapped Bandit on the shoulder. “I need to see you inside,” she said in a voice that would melt chrome off the new Samson exhaust system. Out of nowhere, Bandit seemed to snap out of his earlier doldrums. “You guys go to the harbor and order for me. I’ll be right down,” he said as he turned and followed the legs that have made good men bad, and pure men, sin. That’s the last we saw of him. –Wrench
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