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HISTORY OF FRANCE– – Gallic Wars – Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
– Hundred Years War – Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.”
– Italian Wars – Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
– Wars of Religion – France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
– Thirty Years War – France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
– War of Devolution – Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
– The Dutch War – Tied
– War of the Augsburg League/King William’s War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
– War of the Spanish Succession – Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
<- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
– French Revolution – Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
– The Napoleonic Wars – Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) Due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
– The Franco-Prussian War – Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
– World War I – Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
– World War II – Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
– War in Indochina – Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
– Algerian Rebellion – Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; “We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
– War on Terrorism – France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.
The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be “Can we count on the French?”, but rather “How long until France collapses?”
–from Ray R.
READERS SHOWCASE EDITOR’S REPORT–Well it has finally stopped raining here in the land of Dixie. The monsoonrain coming after the biggest snowstorm in 10 years. With temps in the 50stoday. I expect the Carolina country roads will be filled motorcycles, astheir riders try and get one day of riding in before it rains again.
Ofcourse that ain’t squat compared to what’s going my old homeland of NewEngland. They can’t even get the bikes out of the garages. Unless they spenda few hours shoveling. That last storm dumped 2-ft up there atop of the 3-ftthey already had. Crazy Angie’s boyfriend had to go get a snowmobile twomonths ago, ‘cos he was jonesin’ so bad.
She tells me, “He said I’m going tobuy US a snowmobile for winter fun. What a shock to see a 2003 New PolarisSnowmobile takes only one rider? Well, first of all their isn’t room enoughon the seat for his big ass, never mind mine. I weigh 120lbs. I ‘d have tostarve myself for a year to fit on the back of that small seat .
Then itsays right on the windshield one person only NO passengers .. I said ‘Howstupid are you?” He said, ‘Pretty stupid, I never saw that.’ He paid $8,000for a one person play toy and never saw that sign.”He took off on it in a blizzard and she hasn’t seen him since.
She’s notworried tho. Hishot rod dresser and old softail are residing in her garage and he has tocome back for them someday. If not, she’ll just get taller heels and ahandsome young guy to set her on the dresser. She’s already takingapplications. E-mail any advice you all have for Angie tocrazyhorse@bikernet.com.
I’ll be skipping Daytona this year. Instead I’m hog tying my husband anddragging him off to Tahiti for TBear’s Tropical Biker Adventure. I even gota passport. I still can’t believe they gave me one. Wow, I feel almostrespectable. But then TBear has one, and if they gave him one well…….
Hey, Reader’s Showcase is getting some of the highest hit counts on oursite here. So if ya gotta bike to show off or tale to tell, send them indammit! Reach millions, well maybe not millions, reach thousands of folks. Show ’em your stuff. Tell ’em how you built it.Check out Dave Lango’s time machine road cruiser in the pic above. You’ve got to check out his trailer.
You cansee more realbikes by going to Reader’s Showcase. Come-on, send me some stuff, give mesomething to do besides paint all these bikes and clean out the catbox. Fourweeks and counting before I leave the country. I hope they let me backin.
–Crazy Horse
LA CALENDAR SHOW ROCKS WITH NEW BAND–We are definitely excited about having the hottest new recording groupin America, the beautiful Beu Sisters as the featured musical group atour LA Calendar Motorcycle Show. We are promoting them heavily in allour print advertising and throughout our FastDates.com website, as wellas selling their CD online via Amazon.com.
http://www.FastDates.com/BIKESHOW.HTM
http://www.FastDates.com/BIKESHOW.2EventSchedule.HTM
http://www.FastDates.com/Collectors6Music.HTM
You can find out more about The Beu Sisters on their website which youcan reach via the links above. I also recommend using the shopping linkthere to Amazon.com to get their CD. I’ve already given copies of theirCD to some of my friends and they all agree it is awesome and can’t stopplaying it.
ARLEN NESS’S NEW BUILDING FINALLY OPEN–Arlen will have the Grand Opening of his new facility on the weekend of March 29th and 30th. The film crew from the Discovery Channel will be there to finish the filming of the television special!
Lots of riders think Arlen was born with riches. He wasn’t. He was a postman who built bikes in his spare time. He was in a club in the late sixties and rode with the worst of us. In those days he was a home built kinda guy. I think he spent 30 years in the same little shop. He’s spent almost five years preparing to move into a building he built with his son, Cory.
THE REASON JON TOWLE IS SHORT, REVEALED–We recently pressed Jon Towle to help with artwork for the Run For Breathe, charity ride in Charlotte. Here’s what he said, “Oh, by the way, I know all about the “suffering kids”. I had, whattheir kid had, for the first thirteen years of my life. Many trips tothe hospital, being on a breathing machine all the time, many nightsfighting for breath to where your ribs and lungs get so weak, you don’tknow if you can do it anymore–until they give you a huge adrenalin shotto make up for exhausted muscles.
It scares the life outta ya. I wasthere. I was suppose to be at least seven inches taller than I am now,because of it. breaking blood vessels from coughing so hard to catchyour breath, missing three weeks of school at a time. Shall I go on? Iknow the whole story of what they go through. I’m lucky to be alive! They told my folks, I wouldn’t make it past nineteen. But I’m too stubborn to go along with that shit.
Of course I’ll draw the black and white logo for their event. I’ll spend every waking moment when I’m not caring for my own kid (Mr. Mom) or drawing for Bikernet.
–jon-
THE BIKERNET BLONDE DEPARTMENT–A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together.Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me toshow it to you!”
–from Rev CarlR
SEND YOUR THANKS TO THE MILITARY MEN AND WOMEN–If you are so inclined, visit the Department of Defense web page belowand sign a brief message thanking the men and women of the U.S. militaryservices for defending our freedom. The compiled list of names will be sentout to our soldiers at the end of the month. So far, there are only3,800,000 names.
Pass the word that we can honor and support the defenders of freedom.
National Military Appreciation Month –from Giggie, Compu-Fire THAT’S ALL FOLKS–Between the massive King 9 tech and the news, I’m hammered. “Somebody get me a Jack.” Thought I’d take a break for dinner, but the two bitches started tearing at each other over stale Chinese food. I went to the cupboard to refill my drink and escape back to the inner sanctum of Bikernet. Sorry we can’t always have the news up, by the middle of the day, east coast time, on Thursday. There’s numerous factors at play. Sex, whiskey and motorcycles. Do I need anymore excuses? There’s a new tech on Gates belts out there in cyber space somewhere, and Frank Kaisler sent me a home-built wiring tech, that will hit the site this weekend. What else. We may have a major feature on what Billy Lane is up to next week. I hope the gloss black powder coating arrives from Custom Powder Coating in Dallas tomorrow. I need to get back on the King for an American Rider deadline. The coater was snowed in for two days this week. It’s a bitch fighting deadline. There’s always something that jumps into the mix. On the other paw, we always make it through. It’s part of the challenge. The King is coming together. Can’t wait to show it off. Let’s hope the sun shines on Daytona as all the brothers and sisters roll into the town that doesn’t want them. Ride Forever–Bandit Continued On Page 4
